Coalescence
by Openhome
Summary: This is the sequel to my first story, Singularity. As a sequel, you need to read Singularity first to understand what is happening in this story. Coalescence follows Jasper and Alice from their meeting in the diner to their acceptance by the Cullens.
1. Chapter 1

This story is the sequel to my first fanfic about Alice called Singularity. As a sequel, if you have not read the first story, you will not understand this one.

**Coalescence** is defined as the process of coming together to form one whole or to unite, or the joining of two things into a new and unique whole in which the original parts are still recognizable. It is also the term used to describe the joining of two galaxies.

_For me, it is the perfect definition for the process of love._

Coalescence picks up Alice and Jasper's lives after they have met in the diner in Philadelphia. The year is 1948.

A huge thank you to my wonder-beta, remylebeauishot who signed on for a second story. Thanks for believing in me! Also, thanks to all who read and reviewed Singularity! I hope you like this one.

All Twilight characters are the property of Stephenie Meyer, the original cast of characters belongs to the author. Any resemblance to any other work of fiction is purely accidental.

* * *

It's ironic that I met him in Pennsylvania.

There are no straight roads in Pennsylvania. There is no way to get easily or quickly from one place to the other here. No matter where you go, the twists and turns force you out of your way. The drive is fun and the scenery is beautiful, but it takes so long to reach your goal.

Ironic.

There were no straight paths in my life. Nothing came easy.

I thought about these two truths as I swerved around another bend heading north out of Philadelphia.

Truly, I was barely able to think at all.

I took a breath and smelled the thick perfume of our combined scents. Cinnamon, cedar, and spicy nutmeg combined with my floral and fruit scent. It was overwhelming. Everything today was overwhelming. I couldn't imagine what Jasper must be feeling.

This was supposed to be easy.

He was my life, my destiny, and it was supposed to just happen effortlessly.

The man I had seen within minutes of my birth, the man I had longed for for 28 years was sitting beside me in my car. He was _holding my hand_. I should be able to tell him anything and everything. I should be able to tell him all about my crazy, wonderful, horrific life, but I just couldn't.

Why wasn't this easy?

I looked over at Jasper and saw a peaceful smile as he waited for my answer to his very logical question. He wanted to know why today had gone so insanely wonderful. He deserved to know what happened, and he was patiently waiting for it. He deserved an honest answer.

An honest answer might make him run. No, it _would _make him run. The truth about me was just so bizarre that he would leave me. That vision of him running from me hadn't changed except to become excruciatingly painful.

There was something odd about that smile, which also made me wary. It was too serene, and I couldn't tell if he was simply happy, or if something else was going on under the calm façade. Was it a calm and peaceful pool, or the calm water before a falls?

I took in his scent with a deep breath again and braced myself. The last thing this was going to be was easy.

"Why don't I start at the beginning?" I asked, trying to hide my nervousness. It isn't pleasant confessing to being a freak among the mythical.

"How far back is that?" he asked quietly. His face remained unchanged.

I turned my attention to the road -- I _really_ didn't want to crash my car again -- and started with my known life.

"Twenty eight years. I woke up on March 18th in 1920," I began as I glanced at him. The sight of him made me lose my train of thought again. How was I going to give him his answers feeling like this?

He looked like he was still thinking about something, but he looked a little happier than before.

"Woke up? What does that mean?" he asked curiously. His deep voice filled the car and reverberated in my body.

"Um, well, I know it's very strange, but I just woke up. It was like I was made like this." I moved my driving hand to wave at myself.

"What about before? Who made you?" He was now very curious, and I had his full attention.

"I don't know. I woke up in a forest without a memory or maker." I laughed at myself. It sounded ridiculous even to me. "Do you know I didn't even know what I was for almost a year? I just happened across two others, and they told me I was a vampire. I was _so_ shocked." I giggled at that memory.

I looked at him and he was now both enthralled and dumbfounded. I pressed my lips and waited.

"Let me get this straight. You don't remember who you were, you don't remember the burning or who changed you, and you didn't even know you were a vampire?" His voice raised a pitch with each statement.

"Um, yep." What else could I say? "I didn't know we had venom or that we don't need to breathe or anything. I just was, and I didn't know why or what I was. It was all very confusing." My hands convulsed in his at my memory, and he gripped the one he held a little harder. He was still holding me, and I clung to that fact as a drowning person clings to a life preserver.

"No one helped you? How did you _not_ kill a whole city? Weren't you mad with the thirst?"

"Well, yes, of course I was," I chuckled again. "I even remember thinking that I probably _could_ kill a city. I killed a lot of people in my first year, but, luckily, I wasn't near a city." I hadn't realized how close I could have come to destroying a town until now, and the thought chilled me. "I awoke in the woods, and I just ran and ran, eating along the way. I never came to a city, just a school –"

His quick intake of air stopped me.

"I didn't kill anyone," I said rapidly. "School was out for a break, and I hid there from a storm because I didn't know what it was –"

"Hold on," he said, rubbing his hand over his black eyes. "You didn't know what a storm was?"

"I'm not explaining very well, am I?" I grimaced.

"I'm just not used to this kind of story. I've dealt with hundreds of newborns, and they all remember their past. They all are very aware of what they are. What happened to you?"

"I wish I knew. When I woke, I could remember the names of many things, but not all. I didn't understand anything. I couldn't understand what was happening, so I just ran. I ran and I killed everyone in my path. I tried so hard to remember something, anything at all, but all I knew was the name Alice. I don't really know if the name is really mine," I finished miserably. My voice had grown quiet while I told him. I took another deep breath and felt calmness settle in around me. It must have been his scent that calmed me so.

Then he reached over and placed his free hand over our interwoven fingers. I tingled from that addition touch. I reveled in what it meant. He wanted to calm me. He didn't want me to be upset.

"Tell me about the school," he said quietly.

"Well, there was this storm. I liked the rain because it cleaned me off, but it was a bad storm, and it turned to hail. I had no idea of what was going on, and I thought someone was throwing ice balls at me because they were mad at me." His rusty laugh echoed in his chest again.

"Really, it made sense. I was already terrified at killing so many humans, so I figured God or something was trying to kill me. I ran into a large building and it turned out to be a school. I didn't know that at first, so I thought it was just a place for tiny humans -- which I suppose it is. The scent there very nearly drove me mad! If the children had been there, I think I would have killed the entire student body, but they didn't come for a few days, and I was able to comes to terms with what I was doing and who I wanted to be."

"You left? As a newborn vampire, you left a school filled with the scent of humans?" He sounded incredulous, but his cockeyed smile conveyed that he was impressed. I liked that.

"I really didn't want to kill them. They were children. I learned to read and do math there, and I learned that I had a choice to make." I smiled at the memory of my first triumph, and then shrugged. Part of me wanted to tell him how I knew to leave, but the wary part shushed it quickly.

"I've never heard of a newborn who could do that. What happened next?"

"Well, I wandered around for about a year until I came upon Charles and Makenna. They are nomads, and they told me what I was and showed me how to live and how to act like a human, but they left after a few days." I clearly recalled the loneliness that engulfed me when they left, and then trembled as I realized again that I didn't need to be lonely any more. "After that, I wandered around."

"Until now?"

"Oh, heaven's no." I laughed. "I have traveled quite a bit, but I also got jobs and went to school."

I looked over at his silent form. He just sat there staring at me.

"Jobs?" The word was a muted gasp.

I bit my lip and tried to continue nonchalantly. "Of course. I needed money. It's not cheap having a home and a car, you know. And you can't put a price on truly good clothing."

He closed his eyes and breathed deeply twice.

"Vampires don't need clothing or cars or homes. We just need blood, or at least I thought we did," he said shaking his head.

"Of course I don't _need_ those things," I began and then cringed when I realized just how much of a lie that was. The house and car were optional, but the clothing was a touchy subject. "I just like having them. Nice clothes bring out the best in me, and the car protects the clothes. The apartment and house are handy for mail and as a safe place to keep my possessions."

"Like clothes?" There was a hint of sarcasm cracking his voice.

"Yes, and other things. I have my photo albums at my apartment and my furniture is tucked away in my cabin in New Hampshire."

I looked again, and he sat there with his mouth agape.

I wilted inside. This was what I was afraid of. I was too much of a freak for him.

"I didn't get a car immediately. It took a few years. I got a job first and then --"

"What exactly does a _vampire_ do for a job?" he asked in the same sarcastic, cracking voice.

"Um, well, I tried a lot of things at first, but everything was afraid of me. I tried working in orchards, and farming --" His laugh stopped me.

"You tried to work at a _farm_? Animals are terrified of us."

"Yes, I know that now. I didn't know it until I went into the barn and stampeded all the animals but the sheep." I laughed again, and his deep bass joined my soprano.

"Did you return the animals to the farmer?" he asked amid chuckles.

"No. I figured I had done enough damage. I thought it best to leave and let him gather his animals and clean their stalls. They made quite a mess when they left." He laughed again, and I smiled at him. His laugh was wonderful, like the low melody of a well played bassoon.

"Why didn't the sheep run?"

"They didn't get a chance. They saw me and dropped dead on the spot. They just let out one last "baa," and rolled over with their little legs sticking straight up in the air. Sheep die easily." He was laughing so hard the car shook, and I laughed along with him. My voice was like the clear sky, and his was the deep earth. I rejoiced in the slow return of life to his eyes.

When we both stopped laughing, he asked, "So what job _does_ work for a vampire?"

"I became a seamstress for a very nice Jewish couple in Nashville." My voice turned soft with the memory of Hank and Myrtle.

"Didn't you shred the material?"

"Sometimes. I am very good with clothing now, though."

"I've noticed," he said eyeing my outfit and the body under it again. That was just so exciting in new and unusual ways.

"Didn't they notice that you were different? How did you hide your eyes?"

The question was simple, but the ramifications of where this would lead hit me like a bucket of cold water. My eyes were honey, not red, and the reason for it was at the core of my freakishness.

I took a breath, smiled a small smile and said, "For starters, both of them were nearly blind, so they didn't see me for what I am. My eyes were golden then, because I was eating animals."

"When did you start that?"

"When I was one and a half."

"How did you know to drink them? I can't stand the smell of them." He wrinkled his nose with the last statement.

"I saw two others doing it, and I thought maybe I could try it. I didn't like killing people." I braced myself.

_There. Ask me now. Ask how I saw them._

"None of us likes to kill," he said bitterly.

Jasper looked like he was pondering something I had said, and I held my breath and waited for his inevitable question, but the one he asked wasn't what I expected.

"You never even _snacked_ on anyone at your job?"

I giggled at his question and at my relief. Then I inwardly cursed my cowardice.

"I mostly did piece work, so I worked at home. I never even _breathed _at their shop until a few days after Hank died of a heart attack."

"Home? Where did you live?"

"In a church," I replied offhandedly. Jasper just let out an exasperated huff and began rubbing his thumb over my hand again.

"And that wasn't in the least bit_ ironic_ to you?"

"I didn't know we were supposed to be damned until I met the New York covens. I lived in a bell tower of a church near the store for two years. I know dozens of hymns," I ended proudly.

"Hymns, right. How did you get to New York?"

"I moved there with Myrtle after Hank died and took care of her and her sister, Edwina. They were both as blind as bats," I explained.

Jasper just looked at me.

"Yes," I said, knowing what the next question would be. "I cared for the sisters. I worked as a seamstress at night for a while and then Edwina taught me all about the stock market."

He chuckled again.

"The worst part of it all was that they both wanted to get me married off, so they kept inviting suitors over, and –"

His burst of laughter cut me off again. I smiled at him.

"You need to take it slowly," he sniggered. "I feel like I'm missing some very funny and very important points. I swear, Alice, you have had the strangest life."

_Oh, you don't even know the half of it_, I thought with a new wave of guilt.

"Do you have any questions about my life?" I needed to push the issue. Maybe if he asked me, I could find the courage to tell him of my burden. I knew I could handle the future if Jasper was by my side. I would not be free of this growing guilt until he knew.

"Just a few dozen or so. Why did you choose to stay with two old, blind sisters?" He was smiling and shaking his head in disbelief.

_Push harder_.

"Did you want to know about my eyes?" If he did, I could tell him about the visions of Carlisle and Edward. I could be free.

"You said you eat animals. I don't know how you stand it, but if it makes you happy, I'm OK with your decision," he shrugged.

My heart sank as I realized that I had to tell him outright. I gathered my courage and began to open my mouth with the confession that would free me, but instead a flash of a vision swallowed me. Jasper was running, and I was calling brokenly after him. I had scared him.

That vision caused an intense physical pain, a burning, within me, and it ended any hope of telling the truth. I decided I needed to change the subject entirely.

"Isn't it time that you tell me about yourself?" I asked sweetly, trying to hide my fear and disappointment.

His face fell, and he removed his hand to run it through his thick golden hair. That sent a strong wave of fear and panic through me.

"You don't want to know about me. There isn't anything good to tell," his words were stinging whispers as he turned to look out the window. A fresh wave of loss swept over me. Then, the running vision hit me again, and I nearly gasped from the pain. I felt Jasper tense by my side, but he didn't look at me. I could _not_ allow this to happen now.

I decided to keep on with my life's story, just omitting some parts. I could feel shame growing as I did.

"Well, then," I continued cheerfully, "I'll just continue with my adventures. I've had quite a few in my twenty-eight years."

I watched Jasper as he turned his head. He didn't look at me but rather kept his eyes focused on the floor.

"Jasper? Is that OK?" Could he hear the fear in my voice? He looked up at me with a face filled with the same shame that I felt. I smiled at him to try to erase that look. He returned a weak smile, but he squeezed my hand.

I began with the two sisters, and continued on through my life. He laughed at most of it. The coven war made him angry, for some reason. He didn't like the idea of me fighting in it, which made me a little angry as well, because I was a good fighter, and he needed to give me some credit.

And so the hills and trees and fields flashed by as I shared everything about myself except that which was most important. Every mile caused my guilt to grow, but every mile also meant another miraculous minute with Jasper, and I walked that fine line with great care.

I ended my stories of Europe with my decision to return home. I told him of the wonders of Europe and he listened with rapt attention as I spoke of its beauty. I didn't tell him of the agonizing reason for the whole horrid journey or the joyous reason for my return. I simply stated that I didn't want Paul to force me into his coven. As he sat beside me transfixed, I wallowed in the mire of my lie.

I felt as if I was searing my very soul in the unforgivable sin of lying to him.

I was trapped between two immovable realities: I had to have Jasper, and I had to have him truthfully and fully. I couldn't figure out how to do both. I needed to tell him of my gift and its horrid burden. I needed to share my most intimate and hidden secrets with him, but if I shared who I truly was, I would lose him.

I drove him through various boroughs of the city, showing him the sites and spectacles of New York until the sun set. Then we drove to the unspectacular section of the city.

"I've never met any vampire quite like you, Alice," he said as he smiled at me.

I cringed as I realized that I didn't deserve that smile.

_Coward._

I pulled over behind a large brick building near the shantytowns by the river. "We're here," I said as happily as I could manage.

"This is your house?" he asked in confusion.

I laughed despite myself. "No, this is a good hunting site. I will take you to my apartment later. You need to eat, right? Well, it's almost twilight, and the workers will be coming home." I shrugged. I felt so guilty bringing him here, but he needed food, and I needed time.

His face turned from confused to questioning. "Won't you be coming with me?"

I had never been so tempted to hunt a human before. I wanted to say yes so badly, but I could not bring myself to kill today. Not with the memory of the kind humans in my life fresh in my mind.

"No."

"I don't want to leave you here, though," he said with a frown. "What if someone comes by?"

"No one is coming, and I am good friends with the vampires here. Besides, like I've said, I'm a really good fighter." My guilty heart rejoiced in the knowledge that he wanted to be with me, wanted to protect me, and that the desire to stay with me was stronger than the lure of the blood around us.

His hands, so still for most of this trip, rubbed mine, and my entire stomach filled with a strange fluttery sensation. He looked torn. "Go on," I said, and he opened the door, let go of my hand and nodded.

"I'll be quick," he said, and then he was gone. The crushing weight of loss pushed down on me. Part was his absence, but part was my guilt.

When he left, I let my head drop into my hands and let out a frustrated sigh. I had dreamt of our first conversation thousands of times. I had played the scene in my head and created the careful words that would let Jasper know the truth about me.

This was nothing like the dream. This was a nightmare.

I wanted to tell him how much and how long I have loved him. I wanted to share my joy and my life. I needed him to know me, not just know about me.

None of it had come true, and it was my fault. That hazy vision of him running from me was the most horrific and terrifying vision I had ever had. The sharp burning was intensely painful. Every time it flashed through my head, I felt like I was on fire. It was worse than the one that showed me Maria, and far worse than the one that showed me Paul's death. Jasper running from me was something I could not possibly endure.

I tried again to think of a way to tell him about me, the real me, but nothing came. I was so sure of so much of my future, but now that it really counted, my hateful gift was no help at all. I was such a coward.

_Am I was such a horrid creature that he would run from me? What had I done to make him run? _

The questions chased each other through my wide mind causing nothing but destruction until an altogether new vision filled it. Jasper was almost done hunting. I could see his form near a wooden fence bent over a large male as pain twisted his features, and then the crouching form of Chi-Yang leapt on him.

I threw myself out of the car and headed towards the overpowering scent of the humans. I played the scene over and over to find the right place. The fence was over to my right, and I flew towards it. It was tall, meant to hold out the vagrants that filled this part of the city, and I took it in one bound. Jasper was there, several hundred feet away, and Chi Yang was coming out of the shadows behind him.

I screamed, "NO!" as I sprinted towards their forms. Jasper instantly turned, concern flashing on his face, but I sped past him to hit Chi Yang's running form full force. The impact sounded like thunder, and it forced us both back about twenty feet. I leapt up as I landed, ready to kill my friend to protect my love.

I wanted to stop them before either one got hurt, but I already knew that I would kill Chi-Yang if he tried to hurt Jasper. I intended to stand in front of Jasper and tell Chi-Yang who he was, but Jasper was already in front of me, arms outstretched and in a fighting crouch.

"No, Jasper, Chi-Yang, stop it!" I yelled as I tried to lunge past Jasper, but Jasper moved with me, and wouldn't let me pass.

"What have you done, Alice?" Chi-Yang hissed out the words in a hate-filled rage.

"Chi-Yang, listen to me. Stop. He isn't a threat." I wrapped my arms around Jasper from behind, willing Chi-Yang to see that Jasper was mine.

"Look at him! Look at his scars! He is a soldier, a _murderer_, and they are always a threat," spat Chi-Yang as he circled in what I knew was his attack mode.

"No, he is a friend. He is my friend, and I brought him here." I tried to make my voice as calm as I could but only partially succeeded.

Jasper was trying to open my interlocked fingers. "Alice," he said desperately, "let go and run. I won't let him hurt you."

"I will never run from you," I answered him.

"Then you will die with him," growled Chi-Yang with a side step nearer to us.

"Alice, oh Alice, why?" The voice was Mai-Li's, and she nearly wailed the words. I saw her behind her mate, a look of betrayal on her face.

"No, Mai-Li, please listen to me. He isn't a threat to you," I said in a desperate plea.

"Get back!" Chi-Yang yelled to his mate, but she didn't move. I watched as understanding dawned on her face, followed by joy.

"Chi-Yang! Stop it! Stop it now," she snapped at her mate. Then she strode past him and hit him on the shoulder with a resounding clang.

"He's with you? _Really?_" She was almost squealing the words as she slowly approached us.

Chi-Yang stood erect but still ready to attack as he watched his wife advance. "Mai-Li, are you insane?" he gasped.

"Oh, Chi-Yang, stop. This is Alice's friend, and he is welcome in our home." She sounded like she was speaking to a naughty child.

I released Jasper as he stood, and walked around him. He reached out to grab my hand and tried to pull me to him. "It's OK," I assured him, "these are my friends."

I quickly walked to Mai-Li who embraced me with another laugh. She was grinning hard enough to split her face. She had always been such a hopeless romantic.

"Isn't is just wonderful, Chi-yang? _This_ is Alice's _friend_," she said as she hugged me. I was very glad I couldn't see her face.

When she finally let go I looked over at Chi-Yang and then at Jasper. They both stood there looking rather awkward.

"Don't be rude," ordered Mai-Li as she pointed to her mate. "Come and meet him." Chi-Yang slowly advanced and raised his palms, and Jasper did the same. They stopped about 10 feet from each other and nodded in unison.

Mai-Li smiled at them, and put her arm around me for one last squeeze. She winked at me and then let go, and I prayed that Jasper hadn't seen that. She walked back to stand slightly behind her rather miffed looking mate. Chi-Yang hated it when he didn't get to fight.

I took a deep breath and immediately felt calmer as I went to stand by Jasper who moved to stand just slightly in front of me. He put his arm protectively around my shoulders and looked at me curiously. This must seem terribly strange to him.

"Chi-Yang and Mai-Li, this is Jasper Whitlock," I said as calmly and formally as I could.

"Welcome to New York, Jasper Whitlock," Chi-Yang said as formally.

"As I said, you are most welcome here if you are a friend of Alice's," giggled Mai-Li from behind her mate. She was still grinning and unabashedly eyeing Jasper. She caught my eye and winked again. The woman was downright embarrassing.

"I apologize for the rude first meeting," added Chi-yang curtly. I wondered what Mai-Li had done to him to elicit that. He didn't apologize easily.

"I'm glad to make your acquaintance, and I am also sorry. I didn't intend to intrude in your feeding," Jasper said calmly, and as he did, an unbidden wave of calm relief swept over me. As I watched, both Chi-Yang and Mai-Li relaxed as well. The strange calm seemed to be spreading.

"Your demeanor and scars made me think you were a soldier here for battle," chuckled Chi-Yang. "You must admit, you look the part."

I felt Jasper tense just a bit. "I've had that problem all my life. It is a common mistake. I don't fight for a coven any more."

"You must be very good at it. Not many of us can survive that many attacks and come out victorious each time," pressed Chi-Yang. "Soldiers of your obvious talent and skill are very rare indeed. You must be an incredibly gifted killer, more than any other vampire I have met."

Chi-Yang's face betrayed his irritation and distrust of this situation, but it also held a hint of something else; jealousy or perhaps greed. Beside him, Mai-Li was nearly jumping in her enthusiasm and joy.

"Where did Alice find you?" she asked from behind her mate.

"We met at a diner in Philadelphia," said Jasper calmly. There was very little inflection in his voice.

"Ah, I see," said Chi-Yang, but the questioning look he shot me told me he didn't. So long as Jasper was safe, though, I didn't care. Besides, Mai-Li would take no time to fill him in.

"I brought him back to meet everyone, and see the city," I explained, "I want to show him my home and the sites." I tried to make my voice sound calm and friendly, but my irritation with myself was growing now that the immediate danger was past. I should have been more careful. I should have seen this.

"How long have you known each other?" asked Mai-Li. From the look on her face, she was as hungry for answers as for blood.

"Seven hours," I answered quickly. Was it really true? It felt like a lifetime, but only seven short hours had passed.

"So you met Jasper seven hours ago and the first thing you could think of was to bring him to New York to hunt?" Chi-Yang's tone was ice as the anger underneath bubbled to the surface just a little. In his mind, I had brought a dangerous looking, strange vampire to his city. I felt my own anger rise just a bit. It was also my city, and I had earned a place here.

"I brought a _friend_ home to meet _my_ friends and see _my_ city," I answered just as icily. There was no way I was letting him get away with acting like that. I felt Jasper's arm tense a bit, and I panicked under it. What if Chi-Yang truly saw Jasper as a threat? He was a brilliant fighter, and never ever gave up. I would fight for Jasper, and Mai-Li would fight for Chi-Yang. It was the way of vampires. I felt myself sicken at the thought.

Mai-Li also felt the building tension and turned angrily to face her mate. "Alice has lived here and protected us for over a dozen years. Now she brings _one_ friend to see us, and you take offense? Where are your manners?"

Chi-Yang glared at his wife. Then I realized she was talking quietly in rapid Chinese. I didn't know Chinese, but whatever she was saying was making a difference. His face went from anger to confusion and then to realization within a few seconds. When Mai-Li returned to his side, she was unabashedly gloating, and his face had softened considerably.

"Oh, yes, Alice. I'm sorry to be so angry, but his face… well… you must understand, I've never met a vampire who shows his battle prowess so strongly in his features."

"It happens all the time," said Jasper quietly, as a wave of relief rushed through me.

"We have drawn quite a crowd," whispered Mai-Li in concern.

I looked around and saw about half a dozen humans looking at us from through a gap in the fence and the building to our right.

"We can take care of the ones by the fence," said Chi-Yang matter-of-factly. "Can you take the two by the building, Jasper?"

Jasper nodded, still holding on to me. I turned cold inside. We would have to kill them. The dead man with the ripped neck was sure to be noticed by them, and they saw our little discussion and quite possibly heard my attack on Chi-Yang.

"Do you want one?" he asked me quietly. I couldn't answer, so I just shook my head.

"She never does," sighed Chi-Yang. "Ready?" Jasper nodded and turned slightly.

"Now," whispered Mai-Li, and I closed my eyes and braced myself for what I would see in my head.

Seven lives flashed by and then were snuffed out. I caught a glimpse of crying women and children and was stabbed by grief as the vision left me. I felt Jasper return to my side within just a few moments. I turned and saw the two bodies in his arms, their heads lolled to one side, nearly severed by his bite. There was little blood because both had been completely drained. He was indeed a gifted killer.

"In the water," I directed quietly as I went to pick up Jasper's first human. Without a word, seven bodies landed in the dark water.

"Alice, you must bring Jasper by to see us Saturday. I would love to show him China Town. Will you bring him over?" Mai-Li was more subdued, but still very happy.

"I'll have to talk to Jasper about it," I said quietly, not looking at him. I would need to check my visions long and hard before I took him anywhere dangerous. "I will call you."

"Then we look forward to your call," said Chi-Yang. In his mind, it wasn't really an optional invitation. He was the senior vampire inviting a junior one for an interview. I hated that.

I felt Jasper's arm go around my shoulders, and some of my frustration and anger vanished as his arm fit around me. I knew he was protecting me, he was guarding me, and that thrilled me. His touch, as always, brought my skin to heightened awareness, and I could feel my shoulders tingle under the weight.

We backed away and turned to walk swiftly to the fence. He released me just long enough to jump over, and then his arm was back in its place. Perhaps it was the distance, or perhaps just the relief that the whole episode was over and he was safe, but I calmed down rapidly as we walked to my car. I was still very angry with myself, though.

"Alice, are you all right?" Jasper's deep voice sent waves of pleasure through me. I finally turned to look at him, and his face showed deep concern.

"I'm just so sorry that _that_ just happened. I should have been more careful, it didn't need to go so badly," I said, looking away from his crimson eyes. Why hadn't I been more careful?

"I didn't think it went badly. Though, they are rather vicious for teddy bears." His face was serious, but his tone was light.

"You stepped foot in the city for less than five minutes and were nearly killed by my _good_ friends," I spat. "Jasper, I'm so sorry. You asked if it was safe, and I told you it was. I can't believe this all just happened. I am so, so sorry. Honestly, I have no idea why he acted that way." I looked up to see his serious eyes, and his odd cockeyed smile. This time the smile wasn't pleasant.

He sighed. "You truly don't know?"

"No," I moaned miserably. He stopped and turned to me. He held out his hand. I looked at him curiously, but placed my hand in his.

"This is why," he said with just a hint of bitterness, and he raised my hand to his scarred cheek.

At first, I was lost in the thrill of touching his face, and I raised my other hand to feel it. It was so smooth. The bite marks made ripples, but only barely, like tiny waves on a quiet lake. I ran my hands across his brow and down his strong jaw line, feeling the silky stone of his face.

_I was touching his face._

"Don't you feel it?" he finally asked.

I was confused. I was feeling a dozen things right then, some of which I had no words for. He saw my confusion, and formed his hand around my fingers, and slowly traced the deepest of the scars, one just under his jaw. Then he continued to trace another on his neck. I tried to concentrate, but tracing my fingers gently over Jasper's neck had my head spinning. I looked into his eyes, and he pulled my fingers away.

"The scars?" He nodded, and I finally understood.

"They cover me. Most of them are here on my shoulders and neck," he said. His voice was hard, almost angry as he continued, "but they are everywhere else as well. Each one is a reminder to me and to the whole world of what I was. I was the head of the army of the damned, and these scars are my rank insignia as its general. Each one is a victory of sorts. Each one represents a life that I took in battle." He took a step back from me. "You see Alice, I am a walking threat to any of our kind that looks at me. No matter where I am or what I am doing, I will always be seen as a dangerous threat. I will always be confronted and fought. I will always be seen as the enemy. Always." His eyes looked to the pavement, and his quiet voice took on a pain that nearly broke me. "So now you know. I am a murderer among the murderous, and I have never really known peace. No one died today in that little confrontation. For me, that is a first. For me, today went very well."

Suddenly the memory of a twisted kiss flashed through my flustered mind. I stepped forward and very gently traced his scars again. He looked at me in surprise, but I kept tracing as I met his gaze. Even now, touching him brought a small smile to my face.

"Don't you see them?" he asked hoarsely. I was keenly aware of how close we now were.

"Of course I do."

"Don't you understand what they are?"

"I know what they are, Jasper, and I know what you _were_." I kept my voice quiet and gentle, but I felt my smile grow as I continued to trace the scars down to his collarbone. I think I felt him shiver under my touch. "I just don't see them as ugly or you as dangerous, and I don't care about your past."

He caught my hands and held them. "You should. I very nearly killed you in that diner." A flash of pain shot through his face and seemed to jump into my heart. "I almost ripped you apart. I would have killed you instantly and then finished off the humans to hide what I had done. You should care very much what I was and what I am." His eyes were pleading now, but for what? Did he want me to let him go? That wasn't an option. So I did the only thing that I could, I squeezed his hands, and pulled them to me, dragging him closer.

"I told you, Jasper Whitlock, that I don't care what you did or nearly did, and that is that." His face turned from passive to angry, and I thought for just a second that he was going to pull his hands free. Then the anger turned to incredulousness, and that flowed into a look that melted me. It was the look of a wide-eyed child seeing the world in a new way. It was the look of vulnerability.

I began to lead him away from this horrid place. I would take him to my apartment now, and see what would happen next. As I tried to pull away, though, his hands suddenly shifted in mine, and he was beside me again, with his left arm across my shoulders and his left hand holding mine.

"Is this OK?" he asked.

"Yeah. It's fine." _It's perfect. Incredible._

I slowly slid my free right arm around his waist, and we walked to my car. As we did, I noticed that we fit together like two pieces of the same sculpture made by a skilled master artist to fit perfectly together. Despite all the lies, the fear, and the near death experience, Jasper was right. Today turned out very well.

I just wished I could feel better about my part in it.

* * *

**Jasper**

She touched me. I expected her to pull away, to recoil from my battle wounds and all that they represented, but she simply reached out to feel them with both hands. And smiled. I felt her joy, but I could not understand why she was happy.

"Don't you feel it?" I pressed.

She didn't. I would have to show her, so I cupped her hand in mine and held it to my most damaged features. She just gently touched them, a look of wonder on her face. When she did finally look at me, I pulled her hand away, waiting for her to turn away from my ugliness.

"The scars?" She knew. I nodded and waited for the inevitable, but she didn't move. I would have to tell her.

"They cover me. Most of them are here on my shoulders and neck, but they are everywhere else as well. Each one is a reminder to me and to the whole world of what I was. I was the head of the army of the damned, and these scars are my rank insignia as its general. Each one is a victory of sorts. Each one represents a life that I took in battle." I stepped back to let this wondrous good vampire get a good look. "You see Alice, I am a walking threat to any of our kind that looks at me. No matter where I am or what I am doing, I will always be seen as a dangerous threat. I will always be confronted and fought. I will always be seen as the enemy. Always." My voice broke under the strain of my emotions, and I had to look away. She would leave now, and I knew that I couldn't take that. Not now. Not after feeling hope for the first time as a vampire. "So now you know. I am a murderer among the murderous, and I have never really known peace. No one died today in that little confrontation. For me, that is a first. For me, today went very well."

In a second, her hands were back on my face, tracing the lines of my sin. I couldn't comprehend this. I looked at her hard, trying to get a fix on her, trying to understand why she was still here. Then, more surprising than her touch, a beautiful smile spread across her perfect face.

It was as if she couldn't even see them, like she couldn't see me.

"Don't you see them?" I asked again. My voice was thick with emotions that threatened to bury me.

"Of course I do."

"Don't you understand what they are?" Surely she must know.

"I know what they are, Jasper, and I know what you _were_." She whispered as her hands continued to trace my lines and her smile inexplicably grew. Her touch brought out feelings in me that I was totally unprepared for, and my skin reacted with an almost violent need for her to touch more of me. The reaction was so intense it caused me to shiver. "I just don't see them as ugly or you as dangerous, and I don't care about your past."

I caught her hands a little too roughly, but she needed to know she was wrong. "You should. I very nearly killed you in that diner." I couldn't contain the pain that erupted from me as I said it. "I almost ripped you apart. I would have killed you instantly and then finished off the humans to hide what I had done. You should care very much what I was and what I am."

"I told you, Jasper Whitlock, that I don't care what you did or nearly did, and that is that."

She was wrong, but I didn't know how to tell her. She refused to leave me, refused to turn from my hideous face and the terrifying, soul destroying past that created it. I tried desperately to think of ways to make her understand, but the budding hope chose that moment to bloom. The strength of it shattered the blackened walls of my inner self. Finally, I knew beyond a doubt that she loved me. Something inside locked onto that fact with an unbreakable hold.

I was stunned as she pulled me towards the car, unable to process what I felt from both of us. I couldn't stand her pulling away, and my arm moved to encircle her and pull her against me. She stiffened, but readily fell in beside me.

"Is this OK?"

"Yeah. It's fine." As she uttered the words, her hand drew itself across my back, and she formed herself to me.

I couldn't name half of the emotions I had felt in the last seven hours. It was like refusing to breathe for one hundred years, and then taking a first breath in a field of flowers. I was still reeling from the fact that I_ was_ feeling and that I _liked_ what I felt. No, naming these emotions wasn't even possible yet.

Hers were just as tumultuous. I knew most of them, and they were strong enough to leave me reeling. Yet, there was something underneath, something I recognized all too well. The subtle mixture of fear, guilt, and anxiety were all too familiar to me. Those emotions belied at best a duplicity and at worst a lie. I pushed the idea back, but it refused to leave my mind. I had been lied to all my damned life, and it was the one thing I could not tolerate. If I sensed that Alice was lying to me, it would destroy me.

* * *

I hope you like where this is headed. It really will be a rather bumpy ride at first, but love always is.

Please, PLEASE read and review! I really love your ideas and feedback! I would love to hear from you in a pm if you have suggestions or questions

I'm sorry it took so long to post this, but I am back to work for the school year. I will try to post once a week at least, but now that school has started, it is harder for me to get everything done.


	2. Chapter 2: Taming the Beast

This story is a continuation of my story, Singularity. If you have not read Singularity, you will not understand this story.

To my readers: thanks so much for all the wonderful reviews and messages you sent! I am so glad to see so many returning readers!

To my superbeta: Remylebeauishot, you are wonderful!

The main Twilight characters and plot line belong to the wonderful Stephenie Meyer. I claim all original characters and plot line and carpal tunnel syndrome as my own. I need to type less.

* * *

Jasper held my hand as I drove to the apartment building, and stiffened as I parked my car. "You live with humans?"

"Yep," I said, trying to read him. Why would my apartment cause him concern?

"I'm not good at being around humans for long."

"We won't be here long," I explained. "I have some items I need to gather, and some business to take care of, and then I was going to move everything to my house in New Hampshire." I didn't want to push Jasper too fast, but I did want to have him to myself for a while. Besides, the cabin had heavily bolted down iron beds.

"Doesn't it bother you?" he asked.

"What?"

"Being so near humans."

"Not really. I live on the top floor, and you can barely smell them up there."

He looked doubtful as he got out and came with me to the back of my car.

"How many things do you travel with?" he gasped when he saw my full-to-capacity trunk.

"I was at a friend's wedding, so I needed a few extra things," I said with a grimace. He was right, I didn't exactly travel light.

"Wedding?"

"Yep. It was for a friend from college who got married. I did the flowers," I added with pride.

He just stood there holding my suitcase and staring at me.

"What?"

"Did you just say that you provided _flowers_ for the wedding of a _human_ friend whom you met at _college_?"

"Um, well, yes. I didn't get to that part of my life on our drive up. I'll fill you in when we get upstairs," I said with a smile. I needed to prepare him. That part was hard for all vampires to grasp.

"_Flowers_?"

"Oh, for Pete's sake, Jasper, she was a _very _good friend, and it was all I could really do for her besides give her the house." _Oops._

His cockeyed smile appeared again, and this time it was very amused.

"House?"

"Oh, just grab that other bag and come on. I can see that this is going to take a while." We silently headed into my building, and took the elevator to my floor. Jasper looked pained, but he simply could not be hungry. He had eaten three men tonight. We didn't talk until I closed my apartment door behind us.

Two things made me both very uncomfortable, and very excited at the same time. First, Jasper was in my house, and we had nothing to do. That was both very good, and very bad. Second, Jasper was holding my suitcase which contained the French lingerie I had bought before Emily's wedding, and our new identities. Regardless of how much I wanted him to see those thing, I could _not_ let that happen. At least not yet.

"Let me take that from you," I said as I gently removed the suitcase and waved to the large living room. "Have a seat, and I'll be right back."

My happiness grew as I placed my bags by the bed. Jasper, _my Jasper_, was in my home.

Just to see how strong it was, I leaned my knee against the spindle legged bed frame and shoved. The

two legs on the far side gave way with a thud, and the bed tilted ominously on its side.

"Alice?" called Jasper. He said my name like that a lot, I noticed.

"It's nothing, just bumped the bed." _Stupid, fragile bed. _I sighed and set the bed back up on its now wobbly legs. So much for that idea.

I walked back to the living room, and found Jasper sitting on the sofa looking at my photo albums. The one he had contained the pictures from my disastrous trip to South America.

"Where were these?" he asked as he held up one of my drawings.

"Those are the Peruvian Andes. And that one is of some of the odd looking trees in the desert there," I said pointing to my other drawing. I sat beside him, and felt the thrill of his closeness again. I hoped that the thrill would remain for all eternity. It was like taking my first breath each time I was close to him, and I needed that feeling.

"You're very good," he said appreciatively.

"Thank you." The words were automatic, but his praise touched me in a way no one else's ever had.

"You must have been an artist before."

That thought had often occurred to me. I wondered if, as a child, I used to draw and color. "I really don't know," I sighed, "but I would like to think so. That's what I went to college for."

"Did you truly go to college?"

"Of course. I have a degree in art and design. It's one of the few real things about me." That statement had such a poignant double meaning.

"Why on earth did you got to college?" His face held the same curious and questioning look as all the others of my kind held.

I took a deep breath and looked at the floor. "I had nothing when I was made. I wasn't even wearing shoes. I told you that all I had was a name, and I will never know if it is mine, though it does fit me. The very first thing I obtained when I was able to was a set of clothing. They were mine. They were the only thing that truly belonged to me. I have needed clothing ever since. I know it's silly," I added shooting him a sideways glance. His face was almost expressionless, except for a look of what might be compassion or pity. "I know vampires don't _need_ anything that the humans crave, but when you have nothing and no one, well, you learn to treasure the few real things you own." I looked at him again, but he was far away in some memory. Feelings flashed across his face so quickly that I couldn't make them out, but I seemed to have a very strange reaction to them, almost as if I was feeling them with him.

I wondered if we were somehow connected.

He said nothing, so I continued. "That's why I have homes and cars, and it's why I have a real and true diploma. I needed to feel like I belong here, like I really truly existed before, like I had a life." My voice was choking off into a whisper, so I stopped. When I looked up again it was into the bright crimson of his eyes. The emotions in them took me be surprise, and I almost gasped. I had never seen such a look of understanding on anyone's face.

"You had nothing, so you made a life for yourself," he stated simply.

I nodded as I felt hope growing. Perhaps, just perhaps, I wasn't too much of a freak after all.

"You have made it a most incredible life," his eyes were boring into me. I began to feel so many emotions that I had a hard time looking into those eyes. I think, though, that he was proud of me.

He was leaning very close now, and our faces were just a few inches apart. I could even smell his breath, tinted deliciously with the scent of blood. I wondered if he would mind if I kissed his mouth. I wanted to feel his lips, and taste his sweet breath so badly that it almost ached.

Then one of my annoying visions flashed through my head. Ivan was dialing a number on his phone. He was about to call. I decided in a split second that I would ignore it, and then the vision shifted to him banging on my door.

I hated Ivan.

I sighed just as the phone rang. Jasper tensed at the ring, and then watched amusedly as I got up to answer it. I was sure he could tell exactly how I felt about this.

"Hello?"

"Who is he?" asked Ivan in a loud, irritated voice. I knew Jasper could here him, and I was sure that Ivan knew it too. Big bully.

"His name is Jasper and he is my friend," I stated flatly. I looked out the window rather than at Jasper.

"That is what Mai-Li said. You should warn us before you bring newcomers to the city, Alice. You don't know whom he may be working for. New York is a prime target, and we can't take any risks with strangers_._" His voice wasn't angry yet, but it held a warning in it.

"Jasper is a nomad. He doesn't work for anyone, Ivan, and you should know better than that. I would never endanger any of you." I could feel my anger rising at his stubborn accusations and his lack of trust. "Haven't I proved myself after so many years?"

Ivan paused, and his voice was slightly friendlier when he spoke. "I know you wouldn't put us in danger, but you just cannot be sure of others. Five days ago, Chi-Yang and I burned three vampires who were scouting us out. They nearly got away from us. If another coven is trying to move in, I cannot take chances."

"I'm sorry." That did explain the violent reaction Chi-Yang had to Jasper. "I really wouldn't bring anyone here that I wasn't sure of."

"Maybe now you will stay so that things don't sneak up on us, eh Alice?" The words were joking but the tone was not. If I had been here, nothing would have snuck up on them.

An old twinge of guilt rose in me in response to the rising need to protect what I no longer wanted to be mine. I didn't need this now. I was finally free to find the life that had been calling me from my birth. I did not want to be drawn back into another coven war for a city I was ready to leave.

"I can't promise anything," I said.

Ivan waited for a moment composing his reply.

"I see. Well, in any case, I would like to meet this Jasper. I know you are going to Chinatown on Saturday, what if you come over tomorrow night. Lena and Vasily will be here by then."

I closed my eyes and saw them running through some nondescript field somewhere in the Midwest. They were panicking a herd of cows on purpose as they ran. Ivan must have called them home.

"I don't know yet if we are going to Chinatown," I began as I held back my anger at Chi-Yang's assumption, "but I would be glad to see you all tomorrow."

"Wonderful!" His voice betrayed his relief. "I'm looking forward to meeting your, um, _friend_. Besides, I want to make sure he is good for you," he whispered not quite softly enough. I cringed as Jasper chuckled.

"Great! See you then," I said rapidly as I hung up.

I looked over at Jasper to see the very amused half-smile on his face. He had heard it all. If I

had been human, I would have blushed crimson.

"More teddy bears?"

"Um, yeah. That was Ivan. He and his brother Vasily and Vasily's mate Lena want us to come over tomorrow." I rapidly searched and saw a quick glance of Vasily and Jasper playing chess, which

shocked me because Vasily didn't seem like the brainy type. I took a deep breath and went to sit beside Jasper. "We don't have to go anywhere. I can gather my things and make my final arrangements, and we can leave this place."

"I don't mind meeting them. He seemed more concerned than angry on the phone. Which is best for you?"

"I'm not sure. There isn't any danger here for us." The word _us _nearly stuck in my throat. "Besides, Ivan really is a lot of fun, and I think you might enjoy meeting them." I looked over at him, and for the first time noticed his clothing. It was torn and stained with use, but there was no blood. He was good at being a vampire.

"We should go shopping for some new clothes for you," I said without thinking.

"Is this a formal occasion?" The teasing sarcasm dripped from his word.

"Yes, actually it is. This is, after all, New York, and we have appearances to keep up."

"Torn clothes don't meet expectations?"

"Not really, no." I wasn't kidding about that. His clothes didn't fit him well and were quite stained. I tilted my head to look at him, and he smiled at me as he stretched. He did that on purpose; vampires don't need to stretch. I liked it, and for a small moment, my mind became occupied with wondering what the long body looked like under the baggy clothes.

"How long have you had those?" I asked.

"Three weeks. I was planning on looking for new ones when I hunted, but none of the men we killed were close to my size," he said with a shrug. It had been so long since I had been forced to find clothing that way that the simple statement took me by surprise.

"This is New York. In New York, we buy clothes. We should go shopping tomorrow. I have some tinted glasses here, and the shadows won't reach the street until noon, so we should be all right."

He frowned slightly as he considered the idea of shopping. "It would be faster and easier to just kill someone. Besides, I don't think I've ever been clothes shopping."

I felt my jaw drop.

"Ever?"

"Nope."

"You have never gone into a shop to buy clothing? Never."

He laughed at me. "Alice, soldiers don't shop. We kill."

"But what about before? Didn't you mother or father ever take you shopping?" I couldn't imagine such a life.

"Before the Civil War, we usually made our own clothing or took it second hand from relatives. I was given my uniform when I signed on. As a vampire, I just killed someone my size and hoped for the best. Are you all right?"

I nodded slowly. He had never had his own clothing. Ever. He had spent eighty years wearing dead

men's clothes. Well, that was about to change.

I felt myself smile. This was the perfect way to spend the day. The fog would last until late morning, and the building's shadows would let us roam freely if I was careful. A wave of pure excitement swept over me. It would be my first gift to Jasper.

I met his curious gaze, and leapt onto the sofa next to him. My smile was threatening to take over my face.

"Let me show you the city and take you to a few shops. We can buy a few things, and then you will have your own clothes for which no one died." I remembered clearly how much that small victory had meant to me.

His brow knitted together in concern, which wasn't the reaction I had hoped for.

"What exactly do you mean by 'a few?'"

"I mean a _few_. Just enough to let you have a good supply."

He looked around my apartment with his eyebrow raised. "I think your idea of a few and my idea of a few may be different."

"Don't worry, Jasper. I won't get more than you want." I knew it was probably a lie, but this was my area of expertise, and I didn't want him to ruin my fun.

"My eyes will give us away, and won't it be sunny?"

"Yes, it will be sunny, but the buildings cast long shadows, and I have a very good shopping route that I take to avoid the sun."

"Shopping _route_? How often do you shop?"

"Only when I need to," I said with a smile. It was true. I just had a lot of needs. "Besides, we can give you some of my old, smoked lenses to shop with."

"Alice, I'm not good around humans." The words were leaded with meaning.

"Jasper, you just ate, and with me near you, you won't have time to even think of food." _Believe me_. "We can just buy the items, and I can fit them to you here. You won't even need to be measured by a human because I can do that here, too." I tried to keep my face happy as a warm feeling spread throughout my body. There was no heat, just an incredible anticipation at the thought of touching him.

"I'm not used to being near so many people. I don't do well when I'm with humans."

I didn't understand. "Does it bother you to be here?"

He looked uncomfortable, and I felt a twinge of anxiety. I should have taken him to New Hampshire.

"It's not so bad here," he said after a pause. "The scent of them isn't too strong, and you are all alone up on the top floor. It is just rather strange to have so many people so close and not be hunting them."

There was no way I was letting him talk me out of this.

"Jasper, please let me take you shopping. Please? I want to make up for Chi-Yang, and I want to do this for you. I want you to feel comfortable and welcome here, and new clothes that fit properly will help with that. Baggy vampires draw attention."

He sighed and looked up at the ceiling. "If it isn't for too long, I think I can handle some shops."

"Let me get my tape measure and take your measurements." I nearly bounced off the sofa to go get my sewing kit. I was delirious with the thought of measuring his body. I would need to be very careful not to go too far because the idea of wrapping that thin little tape around him had me giddy.

I returned with the tape, and motioned for him to rise. He had been lounging on the sofa, stretched out and relaxed, and he had the most bemused look on his scarred face. He stood in one, lithe move and stood over me, still smiling his half-smile. Every crystal of my body became exquisitely aware of how close he was to me.

I pulled the measuring tape out of its tight roll, and shredded it.

"Oops," I giggled, a little too nervously. I quickly got the second one and very carefully stretched it out and brought it behind his neck. To do so, I had to stand on my tip toes and stretch my body up against his. He stood perfectly still, looking at me in the most disconcertingly amused way. It was almost as if he knew exactly what I was feeling and found the whole thing humorous. It took everything I had to measure his neck and memorize the number.

"What is the size," he asked lazily. His breath brushed my face, and I looked up again, still in the awkward position. I knew I should move, but I was drawn to this tall man's body in a way that mimicked the way we are drawn to blood. I _needed_ to feel his chest against mine. I had to force my body to slide away from him.

"Fifteen and a half." I blinked twice and gathered my wits. "You need to turn around." He instantly faced away from me.

Without his eyes and smile, I was able to concentrate a little better. I quickly measured his back and arm length, and then raised his arms to measure for the sleeve. He really was quite thin, and I wondered how well he had been able to eat before he was changed.

It was time to measure his waist, and I braced my will to control my now very uncontrollable body. "Waist now," I murmured as I reached around him.

I quickly slid the tape around his middle and memorized it. And I stopped. The last measure was the pant's inseam. I felt the odd puffiness spread across my face and down my neck, as I thought about measuring the inside of his leg. Had I been human, I would have been scarlet. Again.

"Do you know your pant length?" I asked as calmly as I could. Even trying to stay calm, my voice squeaked slightly.

He was silent for a moment and I wondered what he was thinking. Then I wondered how on earth I was going to get _that_ measurement if he didn't know it.

"Thirty-five or six," he said in his deep voice. There was a very husky edge to it.

He turned to look at me, and there was something new in his eyes that I couldn't understand, but I reacted to it immediately. The strange, heat-less warmth filled me again.

I reached up to trace his face. He stood perfectly immobile as my hand lightly traced his hairline. Then I noticed two pine needles in his hair. I snickered as I pulled them out. How had I missed them before?

"When was the last time you washed your hair?" I laughed. He smiled and ran his fingers roughly through his golden mane. Four more pine needles and a twig fell to the floor.

"I soaked in a river about a week ago," he shrugged. "This isn't bad. Last month I got a pine cone in it, and I had to find turpentine to get the sap out."

"I can do better than a river here. I'll draw a bath, or do you prefer a shower?"

He looked at me blankly. "We'll start with a bath, and you can try the shower later. What kind

of shampoo do you use?"

"I don't."

That would also need to end. "I have a wonderful selection, but the best one for you might be the cocoanut. The rest smell like flowers."

"I don't want to smell like a flower," he nearly growled. "I bathe when I need to, and cold, rushing water does just fine."

Maybe I was pushing civilization a little too fast.

"You certainly don't have to bathe. You aren't all that dirty," I said diplomatically as a small brown leaf drifted down from his head. "I simply have a bath available, and taking a bath in warm water is far more pleasant than a river."

He sighed again. "I suppose it would be. I haven't had a warm bath in a decade or so," he shrugged. "I'm just not used to worrying about such things."

I smiled at him. I wanted to do so much for him. I knew a bath wasn't going to make him happy, but maybe it would show him that I cared.

"The cocoanut doesn't smell floral at all, and the shampoo will get everything out," I said as I grabbed his hand to lead him to the hall bath. I handed him the small shampoo bottle and ordered, "Sniff," as I began the bath water.

He sniffed the bottle and raised his eyebrows. "Is it alright for your standards?" I teased.

"It's not bad," he shrugged. I squeezed past him and grabbed two towels for him. He took them with a questioning look but didn't say anything.

"Um, the soap is here," I directed his attention to the small, white bar. He grabbed the pink one beside it and scrunched up his nose when he smelled it.

"I _like_ the rose smell," I said, "but I know you don't. The white one doesn't smell like anything but soap."

"What do you need rose scented soap for? You already smell like a whole field of flowers."

"I like my toiletry items to enhance my scent rather than detract from it."

He blinked twice before continuing. "I usually clean off with river sand. It does a good job. I can't imagine that soap would work as well."

I had done the same thing for the first five years of my life. I hadn't even considered soap until I moved in with Edwina and raided her endless cache of scented bars.

"Soap doesn't work as well for scrubbing, but it is very pleasant and doesn't itch later." Sand irritated even our skin when it got in the wrong spots.

"It's the same with the shampoo. It will clean your hair, just not tar or sap, and it feels _so_ good as you rub it in. I think you will like the feel of it." I reached over and turned off the steaming tub. "I'm sure you'll like this. Let me know what you think of it all when you're done."

"Thank you." He said simply. I smiled at him, and quickly exited the bathroom.

I went out to the sofa and tried to concentrate on anything but the knowledge that Jasper was bathing in my house behind a thin, easily destroyed door.

Today hadn't gone like I planned at all, and I was wishing more and more that I could run up to New Hampshire and just leave all the New York mess behind. I had known him for all of nine hours, and nothing was going right.

I sighed heavily and began to do what I needed. I looked ahead to see the shopping trip, the meeting with Ivan, and the Saturday with Chi-Yang. My teddy bears were quickly becoming a huge pain in the neck.

Shopping would go well if we stuck to the smaller shops. I could see no major issues except that Jasper was indeed easily distracted by humans, and I would need to be careful to ensure that nothing deadly happened. The only other issue was how annoyed Jasper looked. Typical male.

The day with Ivan looked just as harmless. I could catch glimpses of Mai-Li showing off some bamboo scrolls and Chi-Yang showing off his vast collections of ancient war items. He had more swords than a museum. I also saw him and Jasper hunting in what looked to be a slum. My heart sank. Jasper was still a vampire, and I wasn't even close to getting him to try an animal.

Things seemed set and harmless, so I decided to push the visions even further. I looked further ahead trying to see when we would leave New York and what might be in store. I knew it would be hard because we hadn't even made plans yet, but I tried to grasp just a quick vision.

Three visions came in rapid succession. They were blurry, but clear enough that I knew what they contained. The first was of Jasper running with a look of fear on his face. I had already seen this, but it still hurt badly. I pushed past the vision, hoping to catch a glimpse of another future.

The next two visions descended in a flash and were far worse. They were both of fires. I covered my mouth to hold back the scream of pain as the visions pierced my mind. The first fire seemed small, but I was looking _out_ of the flames. The second fire was larger, and I was on the outside watching crystal bodies burn. Neither one contained Jasper. Fear crippled my mind as it filled with a single, terrified thought_. What had I done?_

_

* * *

  
_

_**Jasper**_

I begrudgingly noticed that the warmth was incredibly soothing. I hadn't bathed properly in so long that I had forgotten what the warm water could do for our cold bodies. I didn't want to admit that because it meant Alice was right.

Confound that woman!

I began to wonder if she even knew how to live like a normal vampire. Cars, clothes, college, and scented soap were as far from my life as you could get.

I had the sinking feeling that my simple, careless existence had just ended. And I couldn't have been happier. I felt my face smile as I remembered her childlike joy and infectious enthusiasm. She had so much _life_ in her; more than I had ever seen in any living creature.

No one had ever been concerned that I had a decent bath or that my clothes fit. I hadn't ever cared, until I saw that she did. If it had been anyone else, I would have knocked them to the floor for suggesting I _buy_ clothing, but because it came from her, the suggestion was only mildly annoying. It was also unbelievably kind and full of concern. I was certain that I wouldn't like shopping, but I would love spending time with her. I would follow her to the bottom of the ocean if she wanted to go there.

I shook my head and then submerged myself fully in the water. I felt myself shiver as I thought about why she wanted me to be properly fed and dressed.

She cared for me. She cared about me.

I couldn't understand why, and I absolutely didn't deserve it. She deserved far better than me.

How could someone so full of life be drawn to someone so immersed in death?

I began to use the infuriatingly slippery soap on my body. It slid out of my hands several times as I tried to rub it over myself. Stone hands don't go well with soap. She was right, though, it did clean me, and I was glad that it wouldn't itch like sand did.

When I finally got my body sudsy, I poured a handful of the shampoo onto my head and began to rub. My head foamed up like a rabid dog's mouth. I growled in frustration. I must have used too much.

I groaned as I smelled the pleasant scent and felt the suds between my fingers because she was right, again. It did feel good. That tiny woman had managed to turn me from a lethal killer to a sissy.

Dang her.

Suddenly a wave of panic stabbed me. It came so suddenly that I had no time to prepare. I nearly leapt out of the tub. The fear came from Alice, and it was so viral that it felt like a cut. Then, before I had a chance to fully react, it came under control and subsided a bit. I listened for the sound of a fight, but nothing came. I could still feel her fear, but it was now a dull ache. Still, I dropped into the water and rinsed off as much of the soapy mess as I could. Then I grabbed her towels and quickly began to dry myself.

I didn't know what had caused her pain, but I knew I would do everything in my power to stop it.

* * *

So, how would you go about civilizing Jasper?


	3. Chapter 3: A Well Groomed Beast

A special thanks to all of you who have devoutly contacted me or reviewed this story! You have no idea how much you all mean to me.

Three cheers for my beta, Remylebeauishot who is my wonderful friend and dutiful critic. A huge thank you to Jakeward for keeping Twilighted going and for faithfully posting each chapter.

As always, a shout out to Stephenie Meyer who needs to write more so all of us book starved people can once again be happily fed. All copyrighted characters belong to her. I own all the original characters and _way_ too many pets.

* * *

_**Alice**_

I wrapped my arms around myself to contain the painful burn rising in my body as I tried to calm my raging mind. The visions were not sharp enough to do anything more than see the flames and feel the panic of not seeing Jasper.

Two visions with similar outcomes.

Two visions without Jasper.

Two.

I closed my eyes and breathed deeply in an attempt to focus my mind and quell my emotions.

Two. Did it mean that it was unavoidable? Was it two different futures, or the result of a choice made in one single future?

Should I tell Jasper?

I looked to that future again, trying to calm myself enough to make sense of what I was seeing. I braced myself and opened my mind. The two rapid visions immediately flashed through, and I tried to look beyond the flames to see what was around them. I could not look into the flames yet. I could make out vegetation around the flames. Perhaps trees, but I couldn't be sure. If it was trees, that meant that New York was safe. I relaxed a little and let the pain seep out of me. So long as the visions stayed muddy, there wasn't much I could do. I would treat them as a warning, and avoid the forests as much as possible.

Should I tell him? What would he do if he knew?

I couldn't be sure of anything. They say that love makes you blind, but I was worse than blind. I had no knowledge of love, and my gift made me react violently to things that were no more than ghostlike images. My knowledge of the future didn't help me with understanding love. In fact, I was a at the mercy of my relentless gift.

I was sure that Jasper was drawn to me, but I just didn't know how much. I thought about how Jasper reacted to me. Vampires didn't usually allow touching, and he was willing to let me touch him. He liked it. So, at least, that was something. It was almost as if something was forcing Jasper not to respond to me, like something caused him pain when he tried, but I couldn't be sure. Perhaps his scars weren't only on the outside.

For the first time in my life, I was jealous of Edward. He would know the instant a female was drawn to him. It would be so easy for him to find his mate, and he would know their every need, desire and thought. When he found love, it would be totally clear to him. It was so unfair.

My mind went to the memories of Paul's coven. Their love was so evident, so permanent, so utterly a part of them. Marianne said love was almost instant for our kind, and it was felt both ways.

Unbreakable, unbending, unbidden, and instant.

Was Jasper there yet?

With the thought of Jasper, the visions of fire rushed into my mind again.

_**Jasper**_

I pulled on my clothes and rushed out of the bathroom, leaving a trail of water behind me. Alice sat on the sofa with her arms wrapped tightly around herself. I could feel the painful burn of her distress rising from her. Even thought the room was silent, she didn't notice me. She was utterly focussed on whatever she was thinking about.

"Alice? What are you thinking about?" I said softly as I bent over her. She instantly turned to me, as if she had been startled, but that wasn't possible for our kind. I wasn't exactly silent in my rush to get to her. Her face was almost touching mine.

"My old friends," she stammered.

"Which friends?"

"Paul's coven," she said as she reached up to touch my wet mop of hair. "Did you even try to brush that?"

I tried not to let her constantly shifting focus get me off topic. "You seem upset."

"I miss them, that's all," she said as she wrapped her arms around herself.

"Where did they go? I thought he was the leader of the New York covens."

She took in a quick breath against the wave of sadness and intense guilt that washed over her. "They wanted to hunt on the battlefields in Europe. They died there in a territorial fight."

Her grief over their loss was intense, and I couldn't understand it. No one grieved this much for coven members. Regardless, she was hurting, and I _had_ to stop it. I sent her peace, and she seemed to calm a bit, but it wasn't enough. As if on their own, my hands reached behind her and and began to gently rub her back. Her reaction was immediate. She shut her eyes and let me touch her. Any normal vampire would have tried to run.

"I'm sorry," I began, trying to find a way to help. "Were they your good friends?"

"I almost joined their coven. I miss them so much. You would have liked them," she added.

"I'm so sorry, Alice."

"New York isn't the same without Paul's gift and Annette's joy. Ivan and Chi-Yang are the only two leaders left. We had twenty-two before the coven war. They all left because they couldn't stay together without Paul."

"He must have been incredibly gifted. Most vampires can't stand to be near each other, and for him to have amassed a loose coven of that many mature vampires means he must have had and amazing ability to control them. I've never seen a vampire be able to control others like that. He must have been more gifted than even Maria," I mused, and then instantly regretted saying her name. Alice also tensed at Maria's name. "Do you know her?"

"No. I try to avoid powerful vampires."

"Don't worry. Maria won't dare come here. Her goals are in the South," I assured her. Still, she seemed angry at my mentioning Maria.

"What was she to you?" Her question was direct, and it caught me off guard.

I stiffened as painful memories rushed forward and filled my mind. I knew my face showed my rage. "She was my maker. I thought she was my friend and… lover." The word twisted in my mouth and came out a hiss. "She did nothing but take my life and feed me lies and death." I could feel the hate swell within me and my face twisted with it. I struggled against the memories to find the right words.

It turned out I didn't need to. As if she felt my pain, Alice sent me comfort and then lifted her hand and reached out to me. I flinched away from both.

"It's all right, Jasper," she whispered. Very slowly, she raised her hand again and began to run her fingers gently through my tangled mess of hair. I froze, glaring at her, unsure of what to do. She simply continued to rake at the knotted nest with her fingernails until it began to straighten out and lay flat.

My head tingled. No, not tingled, it was more than that. Her fingers made my skin feel somehow alive. Just as her hand had given life to mine, now her fingers sparked that energy over my scalp.

"Let me finish the story of my life," she said quietly as she stood and went behind me. I braced myself to keep still. I never allowed anyone behind me, not even Maria. Never.

But as she began to comb out the rest of my damp locks, the normal feeling of self-preservation didn't overwhelm me. It was uncomfortable sitting with her standing behind me, but as her fingers tugged at my hair, I began to relax. For the first time in my life, one of my kind stood behind me, touching me, and I felt safe. It was a surreal feeling.

She began to tell me of her life again, and the warm relaxation spread down my body. Finally, I took the risk, and leaned back against the sofa. Her fingers began swirling on my scalp, and I realized she was playing with my hair. It was utterly bizarre, but it felt so incredibly good.

I looked out the window to see a thick fog rolling into the city. I simply listened for a while. She spoke of college and the humans she befriended. I tried to stay relaxed, but I simply couldn't keep quiet after she described the Emily woman to me.

"She wasn't afraid at all?"

"No. It was so odd, but nice at the same time. I loved having her as a friend, though I hated her dog."

That did it. I sat up and stared at her. "Dog?"

"It was demonic."

"Says the vampire." I could feel my smile growing.

"That mutt ruined several pairs of stockings and not a few skirts. The thing was the most destructive being on earth," she said with a huff.

"How big was the thing?" I asked, curious now why a dog would bother a vampire. She held up her hands into an unusually small circle. I just looked at her.

"It's not the size that mattered. It was the attitude," she said defensively.

I could feel the laugh building, but I kept my composure. "Please continue," I said politely before turning back around. I had a feeling this would be easier if she couldn't see my face.

I leaned back again, relishing the feeling of my newfound trust and delighting in the stroke of her fingertips.

It was hard to keep my seat as she continued. There was nothing normal about her or her past, and for the second time in my life, I laughed freely at her misadventures. The sound of my laughter delighted her, and in many ways, astonished me. I had given up on laughter long ago.

"... flowers went all the way up to the top of the church. There was barely room for the bride and groom, and even the minister had to officiate standing _in_ the greenery. I wish you could have seen her wedding," Alice sighed.

"So it was Emily that led you to me?"

"Yes. My friendship with her was the key to finding you."

"That's weird," I said, trying to picture the odd woman.

"It's wonderful," said Alice. "Are you ready to go shopping?"

Was she joking? "No."

She cocked her head to the side and looked at me in an unfocussed way. "Don't be silly," she chided after a pause. "It's going to be fine. We will only get a few items and only be gone for a little while."

I thought about it. I wanted to be with her, and I wanted it badly enough to spend the day among humans. Something in her eyes, though, told me that the words "few" and "little" were not entirely true statements.

"I think we should take this slow. Shopping among humans seems like a dangerously big step."

"Please, Jasper, let me take you to get some new clothes." She stuck out her lip just a bit as she pouted. There was something in her look that made me want to let her do this.

"Just a _few _things and for a _little _while?"

"I promise," she said with a laugh. "Just let me change."

"_Again?_" I gasped. She just laughed at me and flew down the hall to her room.

_**Alice**_

I couldn't get the image of Jasper laying against the sofa out of my mind. He had let me touch him, and it felt so good. I loved seeing him relax a bit; it was as if the whole world was lifted from him, and his face became even more beautiful in its trust.

I let out a frustrated sigh and threw myself back on the bed. I didn't deserve his trust. I talked all night, but hadn't said anything important. I didn't tell him of my gift or the visions that haunted me. I didn't tell him of the flames.

I wanted to break something, but instead I opted to change into a silk shirt-dress with a very low neckline. Putting on a lovely dress helped my mood, and when I emerged from my room, I was almost giddy about the day. Jasper did a double take when he saw me, and the joy of seeing him flooded me once again, talking away some of my anxiety. He smelled of cocoanut and soap and forest and spice.

When I was in Jasper's presence, all the worries of the visions seemed far away, and I felt so very safe that they seemed almost silly. There was a quiet strength to Jasper. I realized that I had never truly felt safe until now.

"Hello there, Mr. Whitlock," I said. "Would you mind escorting me to the shopping district?"

His mouth tugged into his incredible half-smile, and he held out his arm to me. I was nearly shaking with excitement as I took Jasper's arm and headed off to do what I did best.

We left at eight in the morning to walk in the fog to the first of the stores we would visit. They weren't shops that I had ever gone in, but I knew that these small shops, located all round Fifth Avenue, were where Vasily and Ivan shopped. The first stores would be on the east and south side of the streets. We only had until 11 before the fog burned off, and I wanted to get the sunny areas finished first.

I was always happy shopping, but the idea that I was shopping for Jasper was deeply satisfying. I wanted to take care of him and make sure he had all he needed. I wanted to buy him the world.

Of course what I thought he needed and what he thought he needed were two very different things.

The first store had a wonderfully carved wooden door and a strong smell of wool. At the tinkle of the bell, the salesman came out from the back, and gaped at us. I was wearing a tight fitting organdy dress with a low neckline that had made Jasper pause for a moment when I came out in it. This guy was about to faint.

"Don't worry about us," I said with a wave of my hand. "We're just looking." The man peeled his ogling eyes from me and shifted them to Jasper. He gasped and he nearly dove for the safety of his counter.

The store had mostly men's suits and fine linen shirts. I turned smiling to Jasper who looked at me as if I were insane.

"Would you like some of these? They are more formal than what you are wearing now, but they would make you look very dashing."

"I don't dash." His face was set in stone.

I sighed and moved on to some casual shirts and sweaters. He stood there, tense and annoyed as I raised several sweaters up to him to see which ones he liked.

"Which do you prefer, blue or burgundy?"

"I don't prefer."

I chose two that _I _liked.

"Jasper, I need to know what kind of clothing you would like to wear so that we save time while looking," I pressed.

He looked at me with an unhappy pout and said, "I like clothes I can run and hunt in. Those sweaters will catch on tree limbs, and most of these pants wouldn't last long enough to bother with."

_Fine_. I suppressed a frustrated sigh. "How about some of these canvass shirts? They are very sturdy." He looked at me like I had hurt him.

"Alice, I think we need to go over the definition of the word 'few?'"

"Jasper," I cooed, "You need clothing, and this is a very fine shop. We can go to others today, but I really think you will like clothes like these if you try them."

He folded his arms and looked up at the ceiling before speaking. "How many do you mean when you say 'others?' I only need a dozen or so pants a year, if that."

"So we will get a dozen now so that you have them. Though, I bet it would be handy to have a few more."

"You said 'few' again."

I sighed. This was harder than I thought. "If you go through so many pants and shirts, why don't we buy them in New York. Then you won't need to be so picky about size and such when you hunt. If you take care of your clothing, it will last a long time."

His lips tightened as he hissed, "I don't have much money. Are we stealing all of these?"

"They are my gift to you," I smiled. "I have plenty of cash on me, and even more in the bank."

"That's not right," he said, sounding offended. "I don't want to take so much from you."

"Oh, this isn't very much at _all_, believe me. I love to shop, and I really love being able to buy things for others. Don't ruin it for me."

"I suppose if you bought flowers for a wedding and a _house_ for a friend, this must not seem like much at all. However, this seems extravagant to me. Clothing simply isn't a concern of mine. No one has ever cared what I wear."

"Well, I care. Besides, I truly adore shopping. Let me do this for you, _please._ I promise, I'll let you make it up to me."

"It still doesn't seem right," he grumbled. He looked so uncomfortable that I had to chuckle.

"What?" he asked in frustration.

"You are acting like this is a painful experience."

"Believe me, it is," he hissed.

"Well, I haven't had this much fun in ages. Relax and let me find you a few nice things to wear. Please?"

"'Few.' You said it again. 'Few' to me is a handful. Some. _Less_ than two-dozen. I don't see any way to get out of this day with a _'few'_ things." He crossed his arms and glared at me. I smiled back in return. Already, he knew me so well.

"Relax," I cooed and took a thick denim shirt off the shelf. "See? This one is perfect for you. We can find a few more like it, and then clothing won't be an issue."

He stood still as stone with his arms crossed. How could he hate this so much?

"I'm not asking you to stop hunting." _Yet_. "All I'm asking is for you to let me give you these." _For now_. "We can only shop for a fe…couple of hours, anyway. I just want you to have something that's yours. See? It's not so much, and you don't need to change any part of your life to wear new pants." _But it's a start_.

For a second, I thought he would argue, but he just shrugged and let me hold the shirt up to him.

We left after 20 minutes with a full bag.

Most of the shirts wouldn't need tailoring, though I just hated the idea of him wearing only non-fitted things, but maybe it was for the best. Too much tailoring might send him over the edge. Besides, he was drawn to practical clothing, and didn't really want the sports coats and suits that I showed him.

I continued on to the next shop two blocks away. Jasper needed shoes; at least three pair of shoes. He was the picture of a pained gargoyle as the terrified human got his shoe size. His face was so vicious that the poor human was shaking too hard to get Jasper's measurements. I ended up having to help.

"Just bring out the pairs I request, and I will help him on with them," I ordered the shaking teen boy. I chose a dozen shoes in varying fashions and functions as Jasper watched me with hard eyes.

"I only wear shoes when I have to, and I can't wear more than one pair at a time. Why do I need more than one pair?"

"You don't," I acquiesced, "but having them around will be handy. Besides, what if one pair gets wet?"

"I'll go barefoot. My feet are far stronger than any of these shoes."

"Yes, but then you will get dirty and your pant hems will fray."

"Gah! Heaven forbid that I fray my pants! Fine, get me a pair of boots. Happy?"

"That may not be enough."

"I can't believe this," he whined at the ceiling, looking to heaven for help.

"No one up there will help you," I teased. "Relax. Again. Please. Let's just get you two of each style then you will be all set."

Jasper slammed himself into the back of the seat, cracking the wood. "Fine," he growled loudly.

Two customers startled at the sound and backed away when they heard the growl.

"Be careful. You're going to scare the other customers," I hissed at him.

"Normally, I would _eat_ the other customers," he shot back.

He looked like a large toddler sitting there in a broken chair with his arms crossed and his face a study in how to pout. I smiled in spite of myself.

"This is funny?"

"Well, sort of. I never considered that buying shoes was a source of so much torment."

"You have no idea," he said darkly.

"The harder you fight, the longer this will take."

"That's what they said during the Inquisition, too," he grumbled.

He took almost half an hour before he grumpily chose four solid pair of shoes and stalked out. He would thank me later.

By the third store, he was quiet and apparently resigned to his fate. He just stood still as I handed him several pairs of pants and trousers. Then he walked morosely back to the changing area and tried them on for my approval.

"You act like a martyred saint," I said in frustration.

"I wonder why."

"Buying pants is not a form of persecution, Jasper. It's normal."

"It's not the act of buying clothing that bothers me; it's the enormous length of time and sheer volume of items. You do realize that this is enough to keep me clothed for at least a year," he protested. He now had six pairs each of slacks and trousers. These would need my expertise to be properly fitted.

"Only if you take good care of them. Make sure you only hunt in the heavy twill pants and canvas shirts. Those will last a while, but only if they are cleaned and laundered."

"Laundered? Are you serious? You do _laundry_?"

"Well, no, not exactly. I have done it in the past, though. It was fairly tedious, so now I have it done, especially for the finer items. I just give away the daily outfits when I am finished with them and buy more."

"I thought you said you only shop when you _need_ to." Sarcasm again.

"I do. I need to on a regular basis." I grimaced, knowing just how much my needs ruled me. "I go through clothes quickly even when I'm careful. Besides, fashions shift so rapidly that I need to shop a lot." He rolled his eyes at me. "Is there anything you _would_ like to buy?" I asked. I suddenly realized that I hadn't even asked him what he wanted.

He just snorted and hefted the bags as we walked out.

"Where exactly were you planning to put all of this?"

That was indeed a problem.

"Well, I have some room in my closet and a little in my dressers," _if_ I threw out some older items. "We can keep most of them in the car for now."

He shot me an unbelieving look. "The car? Your stuff filled the trunk. Where in your car should we put these?"

"Back seat?"

"What about your other items? You said you were moving to New Hampshire. Where will you put the rest of your things?"

"Let's just worry about that later. I'm sure we can make room," I said, not believing a single word I had just said.

By eleven, we had six large bags full of new clothes for Jasper. I had even discretely bought some underwear for him. I didn't know how he felt about that, but perhaps he would be all right with them since they were tucked in beside socks. Hopefully, he would simply accept that he now had some that fit. I wondered with a shudder if he had ever worn them at all. Dead men's clothes were one thing, dead men's underwear was quite another.

I now had to decide quickly what to do because the sun was beginning to break through the fog. We needed to either quickly head home along the northern edge of the street, or spend two hours away from the noon sun. I was desperately trying to think of anything that I could get him that he would like when the memory of him reading in a library gave me an idea.

There was a huge bookstore on the northern side of the building three blocks down.

"Would you mind if we went to a bookstore? I could use a few novels."

For the first time all day, the annoyed look disappeared from his face. "Is it a large one?"

"Yes, and it has some wonderful old books, too," I said, trying not to smile smugly.

"I've never been in one. I used to sit in my grandfather's library for hours and read. He was a minister and had more books than anyone else I knew," he smiled. "That might actually be painless."

"Good," I said with a sigh of relief. "It's about time you enjoyed this."

"I didn't say anything about 'enjoy.' I said painless."

I refused to answer him.

We walked rapidly down the street and made our way to the shaded side of the buildings downtown. Jasper opened the door to the busy bookstore for me even with his arms loaded. He may have been a soldier and murderer, but he was every inch the Southern gentleman.

He stiffened as soon as we entered and I watched the emotion drain from his face to be replaced by an odd tension. He had done this in every store, and at first I thought it was because we were shopping. I now realized it had to do with how close he was to humans. He was so lively with me, and yet around humans he barely showed any emotion at all. It must have been his past that made him shut down around people.

He looked around, and his smile returned. The bookstore was two full stories high, and every conceivable surface was covered with books. Large hand-printed signs hung from shelves to guide customers, but the people that were here seemed to ignore them. Each human was busy searching the shelves with their heads tilted to the side and a look of happy wonder on their faces. That look was now mirrored on Jasper's face. I felt the urge to go to the owner and offer to buy the place.

"What do you want to look at?" I asked. Jasper just stood there and continued to take it all in.

"Everything," he said and walked over to the rare book section to look. I stood there watching him as he gently picked up book after book. He turned back to look at me. "If I'm taking too long, we can leave."

"We can't go until at least two o'clock, so you have plenty of time. I haven't even chosen mine yet." He nodded and smiled. I felt a huge surge of joy knowing that I had finally made him happy.

"You are the little one that likes the pulp fiction, right?" asked the female owner of the shop. The owners, a graying man and his wife were used to me coming in every few months. They were good at their business, and remembered all their customers. The woman was smiling at me behind half-moon reading glasses perched precariously at the tip of her button nose. She reminded me of the pictures of Mrs. Clause I had seen once in a storefront display.

I laughed. "Yep, cheap and raunchy. That's me."

"We have some new romances in, two new mystery series and of course some westerns. You like Zane Grey and Agatha Christie, right?"

"Thanks," I waved as I wandered over to my favorite part of the store. Several older women parted for me as I joined them at the pulp fiction shelves. Jasper and I had opposite tastes in books.

I chose four romances, and settled into a worn chair to read. I would have easily finished one of the books in an hour, but I couldn't take my eyes off of Jasper's quick form as he leafed through hundreds of books. He would come by every so often to check on me, but I wasn't in any hurry at all. Watching him do something he liked was utterly fascinating.

By three-thirty, he had ten books chosen. He had an old book of maps, two books on great German philosophers, a book on the causes and outcomes of the Civil War, a few books on world history, and two others on ancient Greek myths. The owner only smiled a little as she put the books in a strong sack. "You have very diverse tastes," she said as she put my cheap romances on top.

"Yes. We do," answered Jasper a little too firmly.

"You know what they say, 'opposites attract,'" laughed the woman. Jasper just looked at her as I smiled and took our seventh bag.

"You really did enjoy this today, didn't you?" He sounded like he didn't believe it.

"Yes, I really did enjoy today. In fact, I loved it." I tried to let my smile show him how much I meant it. Buying Jasper clothing and books gave me such a feeling of accomplishment. I had given him what he needed, even if he didn't want it.

"You know, you are amazingly good at this sunlight thing," admired Jasper as we made our way back to the apartment.

"I've been doing it a while. I hate being kept in by the sun."

"How did you go to college? Isn't it sunny in Pittsburgh?" he asked as he opened the door to the apartment building for me. "It always was when I saw it."

I almost forgot to walk through.

"What did you say?" I gasped.

He looked at me strangely. "I said Pittsburgh is sunny."

I walked automatically towards the elevator. Jasper followed, looking confused.

"I lived in Pittsburgh for four years, and I never knew you were there." _Stupid visions. Stupid, erratic, useless visions. _

"I stayed on the East Coast after the war started. The first time I saw the city was just after Pearl Harbor. I ate near there."

I automatically pushed the elevator button while my mind ran in feverish circles. I had seen him. I had seen him feed on a couple, and he had been close enough for me to find. My vision had shown me, but I had _assumed_ he was somewhere far off. An irrational anger rose in me.

"Are you angry I ate there?" he asked in obvious confusion. Suddenly his eyes widened, "It wasn't someone you knew was it? Tell me I didn't kill your friends," he begged. I felt instantly guilty. Of course he would jump to that conclusion. My reaction was irrational to me, it must have been bewildering to him.

"No. No, you didn't do anything wrong. I'm angry that you were so close," I said as I tried to get a handle on my wild emotions. I took a deep breath, and calmed down. "That was seven years ago. Seven years that I could have known you. I'm just mad that we missed each other."

"You might not have liked me then," he said quietly.

"How many times did you return to Pittsburgh?"

"Six. I was in Philly three other times before we met. I hunted along the eastern states, staying away from cities with covens. Neither city was claimed. If it makes you feel better, I wish I had met you then, too."

The elevator reached my floor and I walked to my door and unlocked it. Seven years of loneliness could have been prevented if my visions had worked like they should. I found myself hating the very gift that helped me find Jasper. Why couldn't it be reliable? What was wrong with me that my visions wouldn't let me find him sooner?

"Alice?" The concern in his voice brought me back. I was being childish, of course.

"I'm fine, Jasper. I have just been very lonely, and knowing that you were so close is a little frustrating." I put down the bags and began to sort through the clothes. He had a maroon button up sweater that would go well with the new taupe shirt and brown slacks.

"I meant what I said, Alice. If I had known you were there, I would have searched the city until I found you. I would have searched the world." He was standing just above me, and the soft words drifted down like a warm breeze.

He would have searched the world._ The world_. My mind swirled with his words and the heatless warmth swelled in my body. He would have searched for me. He_ wanted_ me. A surge of love rushed through me as his words sunk in. I was wanted. My doubts evaporated, but my courage didn't grow to fill the gap. I really was speechless as his smile spread. It was as if he was reading my mind and understood how much his words meant to me. He hesitantly reached over and gently touched my cheek.

"Are those for me?"

"What?"

"The clothes. Are the clothes for me to wear?"

"Um, oh, yes. I'm going to take in the waist before we go."

"Anything else we should do?"

I could think of so many things to do with Jasper in the next two hours. However, getting ready was still my top priority. At least that is what I was trying to tell myself.

"After I'm done, we can grease your hair back, and I'll need to get ready," I ticked them off as my annoyance at Ivan grew. Meeting more vampires was quickly becoming unimportant as the memory of his fingers made my cheek tingle.

"I just washed it, why do we need to grease it?"

"It's how men's hair is done," I said. Surely he knew that.

"We used to grease our hair when I was a human boy, and I hated it." From the look on his face, he was willing to put up a fight.

"I'll need to comb it again." I tried to pat down the wildly wavy strands that were threatening to stand straight up. "Why didn't you like it when you were a boy?"

"I didn't like anyone combing my hair because it is rather unruly. I broke a lot of combs. Back then we used lard to get it to stick down. It stank and would melt down over your face on hot days. We didn't have shampoo like yours back then, and it would stay in your hair for weeks."

"You used pig fat?" I made a face as he nodded. No wonder he didn't want his hair greased. I decided not to push it further. I had forced a lot of civilization down his throat already today.

"I'll be done with these in a jiffy," I said as I grabbed the pants and the sewing kit. Jasper watched me in fascination as I ripped out the old side seams and took his pants in. He really was thin, and I wondered again if he was poorly fed.

"Jasper, when were you changed?" I asked quietly. I didn't look at him, and I wasn't sure he would answer. His past was a sore subject to say the least.

"During the battle of Galveston, on January 2, 1863. I was trying to evacuate the area of civilians when Maria changed me. I was a Major and in charge of the evacuation, and the vampires were feeding on the refugees and fallen soldiers. I was a good fighter, and Maria was always looking for new soldiers for her army. I thought she and her coven were refugee women, and I stopped to help them. For my good intentions, she handed me burning and death." His voice chilled me. It wasn't sad or angry, it was dead. He said the words without any tone or feeling. It was almost like no emotion was left.

"Were you curious about my age?"

"Well, a little. I was wondering what you were doing when you were changed. I was wondering if you were happy and well fed."

He laughed coldly. "No to both. I was very good at being a soldier, and I made a good leader, but it was a harsh and horrid life. None of us had eaten for several days, and even then our rations weren't much more than salt pork and stale gruel. I was always exhausted, both physically and mentally. I watched several of my men die in the war. War is never what the stories say it is. I can't imagine hell being any worse." His eyes fixed on my quickly sewing fingers. "Since I was changed, I have been well fed but never happy. I lived with nothing but lies and death for too long."

I stood and handed him the pants. Then I twirled a stray strand of his hair and smiled at him because I couldn't think of anything to say. He didn't look at me, but grabbed the other clothes and went to my room to change. I took a moment to gather my wits about me. I wanted so badly to make it better for him, to make him as happy as he made me, but I didn't know how. When he came out of the bedroom, though, he was smiling at me.

"You look dashing whether you want to or not," I said in triumph. He looked absolutely wonderful in the correctly fitting clothing. The sweater made the gold of his hair glow.

"No one has ever done such things for me. Thank you," he said sincerely.

I took his hand and twirled under it. "See, it isn't so bad being given gifts and having your own things, is it?"

He smiled as he watched me pirouette under his arm. "Do you always act so happy?"

"I don't _act_ happy. I am happy, at least most of the time."

"How do you stay that way?"

"I guess I have nothing to be sad about."

"You are very fortunate."

"Are you happy?" The words came out before I could stop them. I wanted so badly to make him happy, but he was so hard to read.

"I think that I am, yes," he chuckled.

"_Think_ you are?" I scrunched up my face in a pout.

"Fine. Yes, I'm happy. Here in new clothes that I bought from a _store_, I'm happy."

I continued to turn under him. "Dance with me?"

"I don't know how."

The statement stopped me cold.

"Haven't you danced?"

"Not since I was a boy. We did folk dances to fiddles and guitars. I don't remember any of them. There was never a reason to dance."

"If I taught you, would you dance with me?" I held my breath.

He laughed outright, but it wasn't a happy sound. "I don't think I'll be any good at it. I think you could find a better dancing partner than me."

_Is that a no?_ Something told me it wasn't, but I couldn't be sure.

"I don't think so. I can't think of anyone I would rather dance with." He looked at me, but said nothing. "I'm a good teacher, and I think we would make a good pair, but we don't need to worry about it tonight." My heart sank a little.

"I... would be willing to learn. Perhaps another time when we don't have plans." I caught a hint of uncertainty in his voice. I didn't know what he was uncertain about - the dancing itself or touching me.

"I'll get dolled up and come back in a wink," I said. He was right, we did have somewhere to be. I rapidly straightened my dress and put on matching jewelry and high heal shoes, and tried not to think of what it would be like to dance with Jasper. Some things couldn't be rushed. When he saw me, Jasper gave me an admiring smile, which relieved my disappointment. I made a final swipe at his unruly hair, and we headed out to meet my biggest teddy bears.

An uncomfortable feeling of nervousness grew as we drove to Ivan's house. The large vampire was a trusted friend, but after Chi-Yang's little fit, I was rather unsure about bringing Jasper to them. The visions of fire hadn't helped make me any more certain.

"Jasper, Ivan and his brother Vasily are my good friends, but they can be a little overwhelming at first."

"I did get that feeling from the phone call."

"Yeah. Well, their bark is far worse than their bite, so don't feel threatened or anything, OK?"

"_Are_ they a threat?" His tone was utterly serious now.

"No. Absolutely not. If they were, I wouldn't bring you here. Just don't let them get to you." I was wondering if I should just turn the car around and head north when their home came into view. I drove into the driveway and turned to him.

"Alice, I need to know if it is safe. I won't let anything threaten you, but I need to know. Do you understand?" He was serious and his face was almost frightening. I sensed a distance forming between us, but I didn't know why.

"If there was any kind of threat, I wouldn't be here, I promise," I said as sincerely. Then I remembered the visions that I was keeping secret and guilt hit me like a fist. Jasper stiffened in his seat, and looked intently at me.

I braced myself.

"I need you to know that I would never bring harm to you or let harm come to you. I will not let anything threaten you." He looked at me with an unfathomable expression and nodded. "If there was any danger, I would do everything to stop it. You do believe me, don't you?"

"Alice, is there some thing you nee-"

"Alice!" Lena squealed as she pulled me from my car and drew me into a hug. Jasper was by my side in an instant, but relaxed when he saw me smothered in Lena's excited embrace. Mai-Li must have filled her in.

"You must be Jasper," she said as she stepped back and nodded her head in greeting. Her eyes widened as she looked at his face and neck, but she continued to smile.

"Come! We have been waiting all day for you to arrive." She led us through the wide doors and into the home. "The boys are in the parlor. They can't wait to meet Jasper."

We walked behind her, and Jasper kept pace with me, but did not reach for my hand until we were nearly in the house. Until his fingers touched mine, the distance between us felt like a chasm. How I wished he could have finished his question. Another minute and I would have been free. He wanted to understand and was willing to ask me. I was so close.

Ivan and Vasily were waiting for us in the spacious parlor. They were dressed in fine evening wear, but their demeanor was far from friendly. They weren't openly hostile, but they both stood there with their arms across their chests looking very stern. Both of their eyes widened when they saw Jasper's scars, though neither one changed stances.

"So, you are the man that our little Alice brought home to meet us," said Vasily in a very paternal voice.

"Alice is very special to us, and we can't trust her to just anyone, so I hope you don't mind if we ask you a few questions," continued Ivan in an even sterner tone.

_Dear God, no. _ I suddenly wanted to rush back out the door and never look back.

* * *

This final scene is dedicated to my father who scared away every potential boyfriend I had until I lived too far away for him to reach. Thanks Dad, you did good. If you hadn't been so protective, I might have missed 22 incredible years of marriage to the most wonderful man on earth.


	4. Chapter 4: Meeting the Brothers

Many of you have asked about the day that Alice finally reveals her gift, and it will happen at dawn on their sixth day together. There is a very real and important reason she has held back. Don't worry, it is coming. This chapter covers a part of the last one. I will not do that often, in fact, this may be the last time. However, you need to see Jasper's response to Alice's uncertainty. It's really important.

Thanks to remylebeauishot for rushing her excellent beta job for me. After a week like mine, her willingness kept me afloat.

All cannon characters and story line belong to Stephenie Meyer. I own all other characters and a seriously tweaked computer.

* * *

_**Jasper**_

I felt the turmoil roll through Alice as we drove in the car. She felt desperation, as if she wanted to warn me of something, but the tell-tale emotions of a lie, the feeling of duplicity and guilt, were also pressing against me. My cold chest wrenched in constriction. I could not handle being lied to. Not by her. Not now.

For the first time in almost a century, I finally felt as if I had found a home. I had begun to let old barriers fall as she cared for me and tried to make sure my needs were met. I had even relaxed around her, letting her touch me as no one ever had. I could still feel the relaxed tingle as her fingers pulled through my hair earlier. I had never felt such comfort as when she did that.

Now she was lying or perhaps hiding something, which was as good as a lie. I felt my barriers rise in response to her.

She turned to me, her face a mirror of the churning uncertainty within her.

"Jasper, Ivan and his brother Vasily are my good friends, but they can be a little overwhelming at first." she began as her hands twisted on the steering wheel. Did her turmoil have something to do with the coven we were about to meet?

"I did get that feeling from the phone call."

"Yeah. Well, their bark is far worse than their bite, so don't feel threatened or anything, OK?"

"_Are_ they a threat?" Perhaps this was the source of her dishonesty.

"No. Absolutely not. If they were, I wouldn't bring you here. Just don't let them get to you."

"Alice, I need to know if it is safe. I won't let anything harm us, and I need to know. Do you understand?" If this was the lie, then it would be a deadly one for me. I would not let them harm me, or her. I felt my barriers strengthen as her fear rose.

"If there was any kind of threat, I wouldn't be here, I promise," she said, but a fresh wave of guilt emerged from her. My body tensed, as if for battle from the response. This time, it wasn't to protect myself, this time, the urge was to protect her.

She took a breath, and seemed to come to a conclusion. "I need you to know that I would never bring harm to you or let harm come to you. I will not let anything threaten you. If there was any danger, I would do everything to stop it. You do believe me, don't you?"

_Did I?_

No. She wasn't telling me all of it. That much was certain. It did seem, however, that she wanted to, so I decided to push. "Alice, is there some thing you nee-"

"Alice!" a woman squealed and ran up, pulling Alice from the car. I flung the door open and leapt over the car before I even realized what I was doing. The woman, Lena, was simply hugging her. Lena's feelings, at least, were straight forward and excited. She was nearly giddy with joy.

"You must be Jasper," she said as she stepped back and nodded her head in greeting. "Come! We have been waiting all day for you to arrive." She led us through the wide doors and into the home. "The boys are in the parlor. They can't wait to meet Jasper."

My mind whirled as we walked through the opulent home to the parlor. Alice kept glancing at me. I was well aware that we were not holding hands. I was angry. I was angry with myself for not being able to trust, angry at Alice for not telling me the truth, and angry at the God-awful timing of the Russian woman. Anger and frustration kept my hand at my side as the strong desire to touch her rose in me.

The next wave of emotions from Alice contained remorse and fear. Her countenance had fallen, and all the barriers I had erected for protection fell in response. I should have kept my distance. I should have retained my anger and redoubled my walls.

I reached for her fingers and grasped her hand.

I felt the raw suspicion of the two men in the parlor long before I saw them. Normally, I would have tensed for battle, but this suspicion was tinged with a feeling of protection, open curiosity, and a sharp nervousness. These men were Alice's "teddy bears." If they were her friends, then the suspicion was appropriate, even justified. The nervousness had me stumped, though.

When we entered the richly decorated parlor, I saw what Alice meant about "formal." The men were huge, mammoth really, and they were both wearing fine evening clothing. The material was stretched ominously across their broad chests. Their faces were stern as they stood with their arms across their chests. I wondered how close their jackets were to ripping. They reminded me of the disapproving fathers I had seen over my years. I realized that these two were filling just that role for Alice, and my mouth threatened to twitch into a smile at the thought. The normal revulsion at my appearance passed through them quickly and their protective response redoubled at my ugly face.

"So, you are the man that our little Alice brought home," said one.

"I hope you don't mind if we ask you a few questions," continued the other.

I felt a surge of anger and embarrassment come from Alice.

"Ivan," she growled in a clear warning as her body prepared to strike.

"Alice, you are our friend. A young vampire like you shouldn't rush into things. Besides, we want to know about this friend you brought to our city." He was trying to sound wise and fatherly, and my rising humor was matched by Alice's rising anger. She looked ready to rip his arm off.

"Jasper, I am so sorry they are acting like this. We should go," she said as she turned to me. I took my eyes away from the Russian brothers to look in her horrified face. Her embarrassment was rising exponentially. I felt the side of my mouth twitch into the smile I'd been fighting. Her anger only made the whole scenario that much funnier.

In all my existence as a vampire, I had never, _ever _expected to experience this.

"We can stay. It's all right with me," I said gently as I tried to quell her unease. In fact, I was beginning to look forward to this meeting. "Aren't you going to introduce us?"

"There's no need," she snapped, "because I'm going to kill them before you get a chance to chum up to them." She had quite a temper. She was rather cute when she was mad.

"Come now, Alice, we are only looking out for your own good. I'm Ivan, and this is my brother Vasily. We run the mob in New York and Chicago." It wasn't much of a greeting, but it would have to suffice.

"I'm pleased to meet you," I nodded.

"What were you before you were changed?" demanded the one called Ivan.

"Oh, I can't believe this!" groaned Alice. Alice's frustration was ready to explode into violence. Her small face was scrunched up into an angry pout. If she stuck her tongue out, she would have looked like a petulant three year old.

"It's alright, Alice." I tried to calm her again. "I was a soldier for the last three years of my human life. Before that, I was a young man headed to either seminary or college."

"You wanted to be a minister?" she asked, shocked. I suppose it was probably rather surprising, given my brutal past.

"That was a long time ago." _Long, long ago._

"I don't know. I really could see you as a man of the cloth." mused Ivan. His eyes went briefly to my face, and then he turned his hand over to glance at it. Instantly, his emotions went from suspicious to terribly uncomfortable. This meeting of Alice's was turning out to be quite interesting. "Though that does bring up the next question. What are your, um, intentions towards Alice? Are they honorable?" Ivan shifted his feet and looked to the ceiling. I felt my mouth spasm into the smile I had been trying to hide.

_Ah, _that_ question._

By my side, Alice let out a pathetic whimper and slumped. Her mood was murderous.

"Of course. What else would they be?" I said, as my mind pondered the truth of that. Then a rather vivid image of Alice showed me exactly how truly un-"honorable" my intentions could become. It took everything I had not to follow the image to its conclusion.

Alice was so angry that she was shaking. She was looking at Ivan like a predator looks at its prey. Her anger was so potent that I knew she was ready to attack and would probably rip an appendage off. I could tell which appendage she was aiming for by the angle of her eyes. I winced inwardly as I thought of her attacking Ivan there. She fought dirty.

Vasily laughed. "I can think of quite a few ways that they might be less than honorable! If you need some ideas on that, just come talk to me. A little knowledge goes a long way, eh, Alice?" He winked at me and then huffed as his brother's elbow jabbed him hard in the ribs. I heard Alice let out a low, wild growl. The emotions running through this room were so intense and so uncomfortable, that I nearly laughed.

Ivan's hand flipped open for a split second and then he looked at me. "When were you changed and where did you come from?"

I coughed to hide my laugh. _They have notes! How on earth did they get notes for _this_?_

The brothers were still suspicious and rather protective - no, possessive - of Alice. That could very easily be used against them, so I placed my arm tightly around her shoulder. Not only would it rankle the Russians, but it would hopefully protect them from her. Her mood instantly changed, indicating that she understood, and she snuggled close to annoy them. The closeness of her body brought the dishonorable, though very pleasant, image back full force. I swallowed before continuing.

"I was changed during the Civil War in Galveston, Texas on January 2, 1863. My maker created newborn armies to fight in the territorial battles of the south. Her name is Maria, and I served her for almost eighty years."

"What was your role in the army?" asked Ivan curiously. This question was spontaneous.

"I was a simple soldier at first, but my training helped me gain rank quickly. I survived the first several battles, and Maria kept me. I eventually rose in rank to be the commander of her forces." I felt their concern grow, but the sweet feel of respect now colored their emotion.

"What were your duties as commander?"

I tensed. I didn't want Alice to hear this, but she hadn't run when I told her what I was, so perhaps she wouldn't care about the specifics. "I trained newborns, came up with battle plans and led them into battle." I didn't mention having to kill them.

"That explains why you look the way you do," nodded Ivan.

"He looks just fine, Ivan," Alice countered as a fresh wave of frustration rose in her. Her fury made her so adorable. Although they were mismatched in height, I was willing to wager that Alice was more than a match for Ivan when it came to a fight. I would have loved to see her get a few choice body parts off of the big one.

"He looks fine for a _soldier_," argued Vasily with a wary glance at me. He knew she was furious with them. He took a step back before continuing. The vampire was no fool. "Alice, we were created during Ivan the Great's reign. We were made to be soldiers in a similar kind of war that raged all across Eastern Europe at the time. No one lived longer than twenty years. No one. Your Jasper lived the life of a soldier for eighty years, and that means there is more to him than simply being a _soldier_." For just a moment, I saw a twinge of fear in Vasily's eyes as he looked at me. My violent past and deep scars frightened the huge warrior. Good.

"Nevertheless, I did fight for that long as the leader of various newborn armies. I was very, very good at what I did. I was successful, but I hated it. When I was told of the freedom available in the north, I left." I made my voice velvet, and pushed against their rising concern with a wave of peace.

Ivan cleared his throat and glanced at his hand. "What kind of family background did you come from?"

Was he joking? Did he even realize that I was a vampire?

"Since they've been dead for seventy years, does it matter?" I asked, trying to keep the sarcasm from my voice.

"No. No, I suppose it doesn't. I was just wondering about them."

"They were good people who lived good lives and died."

"Ah, yes. That sounds about right," he said as he shifted feet again.

Vasily looked into his hand, frowned, and then asked, "Ah, so, what are your plans now? How will you provide for her?"

_Where_ did they get these questions? Who on earth asked these things of a one-hundred year old vampire?

"What!" roared Alice. "Provide for me? _Me_? Oh, for the love of God, Ivan! I provide for you. Remember?"

She stood there with her hands on her hips and her chin jutted out. She looked like a beautiful, little Puck I had once seen drawn in a book. Her wrath was utterly endearing. Of course, I knew better than to tell her that.

Ivan looked deflated. Apparently, she was right, and she didn't need any help in providing for herself. I took the moment to end this. "As I said, I am tired of fighting. Tired of killing. All I want is to live my life in peace as a free man."

"We understand the need for freedom," nodded Ivan. "In fact, it is causing us some issues even

now."

"We also left our armies. We traveled all over Russia, trying to find a good place to feed in peace," added Vasily.

"We came here during the Russian Revolution because the whole area became oppressive." Lena had entered and stood by Vasily. "We hope to return one day when the Reds lose their power, but until then, we are stuck here." Her sadness over her lost home was thick in her voice.

"Then we understand each other," I stated, as I sent out a second wave of peace.

Ivan sighed. "You need to understand. Alice is our friend, and not many of our kind have those outside of covens. She means a lot to us, and we will not see her hurt."

"I wouldn't hurt her," I responded automatically. My arm pulled her against me. I was shocked by how strong and how automatic that response had been. I wouldn't hurt her. I couldn't hurt her. I was now totally at her mercy.

Her feeling switched to joy. She had heard the underlying meaning to my words.

But would she hurt me?

I banished the thought as her arm returned the awkward embrace.

"So, are _we _welcome here?" she demanded.

Vasily laughed and opened his arms to her. I watched as she went over and was crushed in his bear hug. I wondered if he had any idea of how unsafe that was for him right now.

Ivan walked over to me and slapped me on the back.

"So, um, do you like to play games, Jasper?" he asked. He was trying to be nice.

Games? How long had it been since I had played games? Long enough not to remember anything more than that I once loved them. "Yes, I believe I do."

"Come with us and we'll choose something fun. We have thousands of them." Ivan led us further into the massive home to a room whose walls were lined with a few bookcases and shelf after shelf of games.

"What are your favorites?" I drawled. Most of them were so new I didn't recognize them.

"Poker, canasta, chess, and Monopoly," answered Vasily. He looked as excited as a schoolboy. I let myself smile at the inconsistency of his size and his expression.

Within minutes, I was faced off against both Vasily and Lena in chess. Ivan and Alice were squared off in Monopoly. Vasily was a solid player, but once I remembered the rules of the game, I was able to easily see through his strategy. We were done long before Alice and Ivan.

The Russian brothers were ecstatic to have me as a new playmate. It was rather odd to be viewed that way, especially since I had been ready to kill them a few hours ago. However, they did enjoy their games, as did I, it turned out.

Alice taught me Monopoly, a game she seemed to be very adept at. She won it handedly. After that, we were partners for the remainder of the games. She sat tantalizingly close to me through the night, and I wished more than once for a little privacy with her. There was so much I needed to know, so much that I didn't yet understand. I also simply wanted to be with her again. Alone. I missed her scent.

We played games all night, and began a marathon game of poker for the next day. I was rusty at the game, but quickly caught on. I had played this game often with the newborns, and relished the challenge of playing my huge opponents. We wagered only chips, but it wouldn't have mattered if we wagered air, I was too competitive not to try and win.

Of course so were the brothers. They became as serious as if they were in a battle when the game began. To us soldiers, I suppose it was a battle of sorts. We were all relentless in our desire to best the other. I felt right at home pitting myself against them because this was the kind of battle I enjoyed. I was outnumbered, and they cheated.

Now that I was finally hell bent on beating an opponent, I was actually enjoying myself.

As each hand was played, I began to see an odd pattern in the play. At first, I was unable to truly understand it, but then my attention fell on Alice. She would get her hand, make a few adjustments, and then stare unfocussed at her cards for a moment. It was so quick that I almost didn't catch it. None of the others paid any attention.

I couldn't believe what I was pondering. It was preposterous. It was not possible. Yet,

in the world of the mythical, could anything be impossible?

Alice rarely won, but her play almost always favored Ivan or me. Although the others won several hands, Ivan and I had far more wins than we should have. I began to feel for her, to taste the emotions in the room, as I always did, and Alice was nearly a blank. Her usual happiness and a sense of accomplishment were all the emotions I felt. The others had all the emotions of a game: surprise, anticipation, happiness, anger, frustration, but none of those came from Alice. Instead, she was merely cautious, except for small moments of utter nothingness. One moment, she would be sitting beside me, and the next, it was as if she had disappeared. I watched her to try and understand, but the only hint I could see was an odd blankness to her face.

By our thirty-third hand, I knew that Alice was somehow affecting the game. And she was doing it on purpose. With a growing coldness, I realized that the beautiful imp whose life had shattered mine was gifted in some way. And if she was affecting a game of chance, it was a formidable gift. I had never heard of a gift that could turn a game of chance to one's favor.

Was this what she couldn't share? Was this the untruth she carried? Or was it something far worse? How much of her was I not seeing?

Did it even matter anymore?

I wanted Alice. I needed her. The need was unconditional and irresistible, and I now realized that I could not leave.

I deeply buried my own feelings and simply played the games. I focussed on the hands and the stories the brothers regaled us with. There stories were indeed like mine, but where I ended in solitude, they came to New York. As distracted as I was, I did enjoy the endless stories of war and destruction. They'd had interesting lives, even for vampires, and were both very mischievous. They had a very odd affinity for cattle and unscrupulous humans, often both at the same time.

All the while, I writhed inside as I realized just how trapped I had become in three days. She was everything to me. She held my very soul in her small hands, and all I could do was hope that she was indeed the angel I'd imagined her to be.

After multiple hands of poker and a dozen stories each, Vasily finally did what I'd feared, and asked me to tell of my battles. I did not have funny stories of victory. What I had done was best kept in the dark hole of my memory.

"I don't have much to share. I trained armies, led battles, killed the enemy, killed the newborns, and then trained more soldiers." I sent out what I hoped was calm and focussed on my cards. I needed this discussion to end.

The brothers were quiet for only a moment before quickly starting story about using pigs dressed as priests to terrify a walled city. There was no reason for the prank other than that they were bored. I began to realize that this massive game room was probably the only thing keeping New York City from complete destruction. The tale of the Priestly Pigs somehow led to a discussion of their adventures upon becoming bloodthirsty newborns together. The two of them had decimated four villages with their combined thirst within the first few days of their immortality. Their coven had to come in and burn the the hamlets to the ground to hide the slaughter. Both brothers laughed at the memory.

"What about you, Jasper? You were changed in war, did you find refugees to feed you, too?" he asked me directly. To my surprise, I found myself answering him.

"Not entirely," I said, and then I had to catch myself. The memory of that day rushed in on me while I was unprepared to deal with it. That first memory was acutely painful, and I needed to compose myself before I could answer. The screams of my victims as they filled my head as I tried to control the agony of their deaths. I took a steadying breath, and began my story. "When the burning finally ended, Maria told me what I was. The thirst was horrid, and she told me she could ease it. She took me to feed on a camp where the civilians had fled from the bombardment. These were the very people I had helped evacuate, and I just couldn't feed on the women and children I had tried to protect. She became very angry with me, and told me that I would then feed on those who could protect themselves. It took everything I had to turn from the camp of refugees, so when she brought me to a medical tent filled with bleeding soldiers, I couldn't stop myself. We both fed from them. It wasn't until I grabbed my sixth human that I came to my senses enough to recognize what I had done. He looked at me with his pained eyes and simply said, 'Sir?'" My voice broke as the sound of his plea echoed through my mind. I would never forget him. It took me a moment to speak again, but when I did, I felt nothing. My voice was toneless. "She did it on purpose. She took me to my men to feed on them. I had led them into battle, had given them the training they needed to survive, had fought and bled for them, and they had done the same for me. She took me there to show me what kind of monster I was. My first feeding was on the blood of my own men."

"She is the monster," whispered Lena after a pause. I couldn't say anything.

_**Alice**_

I was in pain. It hurt, physically hurt, to hear the agony, and then the nothingness in Jasper's voice. I knew that the nothingness meant he was in so much pain he had made himself numb. I could almost see the killings as he spoke. I could picture his face when he realized what he had done. I had worn that face when I killed the first stranger who crossed my path.

It wasn't fair. Jasper was having a good time, and then a simple question had ruined it for him. That memory caused him horrific pain, even after all this time. I hated Maria with a heat that could have burned her to ash had she been here. Sitting beside him, all I could do was place my hand on his arm and rub it. I couldn't tell if it helped or not.

The boys returned to their stories after Jasper's tale, but neither of us were in the mood for games or conversation. I wanted to take my wounded soldier away from here and try to tend his wounds.

We left Ivan's home early Saturday morning.

"What now?" I asked as we meandered along the streets before sunrise. Now that we were alone, his mood was much lighter. He looked at me with his cockeyed smile and simply squeezed my hand.

I had spent almost three full days with him, and I was utterly happy. The visions of fire was still in the back of my mind, but I was able to tuck them away and enjoy the moments with him. The sun would rise in an hour, and we needed to decide where we wanted to spend the day.

"When do we need to be at Chi-Yang's?" he asked.

"I don't know _or _care. I'm not sure I want to go see him." The last day and a half had turned out

very well, but the memory of Ivan and Vasily grilling Jasper was still very fresh in my mind.

"I don't mind going to see them. I told you, since I didn't have to fight Chi-Yang, he is _almost_ like a friend." I snorted in reply, and he chuckled.

"I was ready to snap off various parts of the last friends and impale them with the heals of my shoes," I huffed. "I'm not willing to go through that again."

"Your shoes wouldn't have been very good at impaling them," Jasper chuckled.

"I know, but it would have been fun to try," I said with a smile.

"Lena mentioned something about a museum."

"Do you like museums? Which kind would you like to visit?" A museum meant more one-on-one time, and that was good.

"I would like to visit a historical museum. I like art, but not as much as history."

I altered course and headed for the Museum of Natural History. If we ran, we could easily make it and break in before dawn.

"There will be humans," I warned.

"It is easier to be near them when I'm around you. You tend to distract me."

At least it was mutual.

We wandered around the museum all day, starting with the back rooms where the objects were

cleaned and categorized. The rest of the museum would be closed for the first four hours of our time there. Jasper was as thirsty for knowledge as I had been, and he looked at every exhibit and read every word in the place. When he was studying an object, the constant look of tension, or perhaps pain, would be completely erased, and without the worry on his face, he became totally beautiful to me. Surprisingly, his knowledge was deep on almost every topic that the museum covered.

As we walked through the Egyptology exhibit, my curiosity about his past got the best of me.

"Were you really hoping to go to seminary?" I asked quietly.

He turned and gave me the sarcastic half-smile. "Ironic, isn't it?"

"Not any more than living in a church," I reminded him.

"I don't remember most of my life before the change, but there are some things that I do know. My grandfather was a minister, and a very good one. My father was a lawyer and was also very good. They could convince anyone of anything. Like me, my grandfather was in the war when he was young, and was badly wounded in the War of 1812. Unlike me, he survived the war and made a life for himself promoting peace and love. He was the most courageous and compassionate man I ever knew, and I wanted to be like him."

"Is that why you went to war, to be like him?"

He was quiet for a moment, and I was afraid I had pushed it too far. His voice was steady but bitter as he continued. "I went to war because I was young and foolish and dreamed of glory. I was a good leader and better soldier, and I quickly gained the rank of Major even though I was far too young. I was planning on going to either the seminary like my grandfather or the university to study law like my father, but not for the reasons they did. All I wanted was the respect and honor of the positions they held. I was willing to become anything for the glory and power I craved. When Maria created me, I still wanted the glory that came in battle, so I became the leader of her endless, useless wars."

He wasn't looking at me at all, he just spoke, and I could sense his remorse in his words and body. When he was done, he simply removed his hand from mine and moved on to the next exhibit without looking at me.

It hurt.

It hurt to see him carry so much guilt and remorse with him. It hurt that I didn't know how to take away his pain. It hurt that I had pushed him away again. It hurt because regret is a terrible burden to carry through all eternity.

It seemed to take him forever to notice me beside him, but he finally held out his hand to me, and I slid my fingers into his with relief. I was glad to know that I hadn't hurt him too much by prying. I had been around soldiers and war since 1945, and I knew how much pain they often carried. Still, I was in anguish over what Jasper was forced to bear.

I swore to myself, and to him, that I would do whatever it took to help him find his peace.

* * *

Dedicated to my husband who had to face something far worse than a vampire - my father.


	5. Chapter 5: A Twist of Fate

My beta has done her normal superb job of hand holding, coaxing, and correcting. Thanks so much remylebeauishot.

You readers have been so wonderful and so very diligent about reviews and comments. Thanks so much! I know that it seems odd, but all authors love to hear what you think, good and bad, and I am no different. PLEASE continue to review and contact me. You have become much more than readers.

The main characters and story line belong to Stephenie Meyer. I own the original characters and a really old minvan that needs some serious work.

* * *

We returned home as the shadows lengthened across the city. I showered, using my rose scented soap in abundance, and changed outfits. Twice.

When I came out in a new outfit and asked how it looked, all Jasper did was shake his head in disbelief. "Did you soil the other dress?"

"No, of course not, but I don't want to wear the same outfit to two different occasions. Does this one look all right, or should I go with something a little more formal?"

Jasper took a deep breath and thought for a minute before saying anything. "It is a lovely dress, and you look stunning in it. I don't know how formal this is supposed to be."

I glanced at my reflection in the window and went for a third dress. This one was tightly tailored and rather businesslike. "What about this one?"

"Lovely."

"Is that all? Do you think it is too stiff?"

He said nothing, so I looked at him. He looked like the deer I hunted.

"You look scared," I said in astonishment.

"The ladies in Maria's coven always asked me questions like that."

"And?" I didn't understand.

"It was a trap."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"It means that no matter what I said, it was always the wrong thing. It was like they conspired to make me answer these impossible questions, and then would get mad at me regardless of the answer. They could stay mad for _days_ if I answered something wrong. And the worst part is, I _never_ figured out what the right answer was." He was rather agitated, so I just smiled and went back to the bedroom. Men are strange creatures.

I chose a silk, semi formal dress for the evening, because I knew my Chinese friends would consider this a special occasion. I realized a little too late that Jasper didn't own a tie, and vowed to amend that problem next Monday.

The idea of shopping, though, brought with it another unpleasant thought. I hadn't hunted yet. It was close to a week now, and I was beginning to feel the burning intensify. I had no idea how to hunt without seeking out the forest, but the forest meant trees and trees were where the burning vision took place. I decided not to worry about it for now, and briefly wondered how full the zoo was as I locked the door to my apartment and went to my car arm in arm with my own piece of heaven.

Jasper was fascinated by the bright colors and rich textures of China Town. Even gripped in poverty, the area reverberated with a depth of culture and unique beauty all its own. The sights, sounds, and language were utterly fascinating to him.

Mai Li was waiting for us outside their tall, red gate. She was exquisite. She wore a beautifully embroidered red shift with matching pants under. Her hair was elaborately done up with ornate combs in it. She smiled widely as we walked up.

"Jasper and Alice, welcome to our home," she said graciously with a small bow.

"Thank you," said Jasper with a slightly deeper bow. Such a gentlemen.

I walked forward and gave her a quick squeeze and she ushered us into their massive home. Jasper let out a breath when he entered. Their home was as grand as any European castle, but done in the delicate style of China. Mixed in with ornate jars and jade sculptures were hundreds of weapons of varying ages and styles. They were everywhere. Chi Yang was the son of Genghis Khan, and he found weaponry as beautiful as art, probably more so.

Jasper's eyes rapidly took it all in, and I could tell he shared Chi-Yang's affinity.

Mai Li also noticed Jasper's interest and began to tell him of the various artistic pieces they owned as we walked along through the foyer to the grand staircase. The main living quarters were on the second floor here.

As she spoke and waved to the pieces, she would sneak grins or wink at me. I realized with a sinking feeling that this evening might be worse than the grilling we got from Ivan.

Chi Yang was at the top of the stairs waiting for us in a yellow robe trimmed in black. It, too, was embroidered all over. Yellow was the color of royalty, and he was showing off. He had gone all out for us, which was either very bad or very good.

"Welcome, Alice. Welcome Jasper Whitlock," he said without a smile.

"Thank you, sir," bowed Jasper again. He was really good at social innuendos.

"Please come in and join us," he motioned for us to sit as his mouth turned up a little into what might be an attempt at a smile but looked more like a grimace. It was rather frightening. Come to think of it, I had only seen him smile a few times, and those were pretty scary. Maybe it was best that he didn't crack a grin.

We all walked in to their simply decorated, yet very formal living area. The settees that they led us to were rather low to the ground, and Jasper had trouble fitting his tall frame on them. Chi Yang and Mai Li sat across from us with a low, black lacquered table between. Per tradition, there was a hot pot of tea on the table with four cups in place. Every vampire in New York loved the tradition that our Chinese members refused to give up. It was just so homey.

Jasper shot me a look of confusion, and I shook my head infinitesimally. We were never meant to drink it. It was a sign of welcome.

Mai Li poured the tea into our cups and sat back.

"So, Jasper, Ivan said that you fought in the southern coven wars for eighty years. I am amazed at your strength. I know of only a handful of warriors that withstood the constant battles for so long. I am glad Alice found so worthy a protector." Chi Yang was smiling as if this was the most normal way to begin a conversation. I swallowed and took a breath. This was definitely shaping up to be worse than the Russian welcome.

"Chi Yang, have your forgotten our battles with Alice? She doesn't need anyone to protect her," said Mai Li.

"Thank you!" I responded with feeling, and then I shot Chi Yang a dirty look. It was about time someone considered my abilities here.

Chi Yang laughed. "Have you sparred with Alice yet, Jasper? My mate is correct, she is almost impossible to take down."

Jasper took a moment before answering. "I hadn't even considered it."

"You should. She is tremendously fast and very agile, though not as agile as Mai Li and certainly not as deadly." He looked tenderly at his mate. Mai Li smiled in shy pride. "My mate is one of the most lethal killers of our kind. Watching her kill is a truly beautiful thing. She even survived having her head torn off."

"See, here is my scar," she said, and leaned her head back to show the thin line that was now only barely visible. I found it a little sick that they bragged about it, but they were from a much less civilized time.

"Impressive," nodded Jasper. "Not many live after that. How did you survive and how long did it take to heal?"

"Chi Yang was with me and drew my attacker off. The attacker was a very gifted seer that Alice finally killed." She smiled at me and I returned the smile with a surge of pride. "I was completely healed after seven days. Chi Yang helped me replace my head and got me a human right away, and then I ate two each day until the healing finished," she explained. I was glad I didn't know that body count before now. Fifteen humans had died.

"What was your worst injury, Jasper?" asked Chi Yang with anticipation. His love of war stories was insatiable.

"Here," said Jasper as he traced the deepest scar under his chin. "My head has been attacked more often than almost any other part of my body, but this one nearly took it off." He chuckled morbidly at the memory. He didn't even hear my startled gasp.

"It's nearly been pulled off thirteen times, and my hand was snapped off when I was a newborn, but it healed as well. I didn't have a ready access to humans, though. Believe me, if I had ever lost my head, no one would have even considered trying to save me."

A strangled gurgle came from my throat before I could muffle it. Three sets of crimson eyes looked at me curiously.

"How can you talk so easily about nearly dying?" I demanded.

"We are vampires," Jasper said quickly. "Dying is a major part of our lives. When you are a part of a settled coven, there are only two choices, kill or die trying. It's what we are." The final words were spoken firmly, almost as if he was speaking directly to me.

"He was a soldier, Alice, and he understands," injected Chi Yang. "Remember Michael and Brittany?"

"Of course I do," I snapped as the familiar images roared into my mind. Seeing their broken bodies burn in a fire in their own home was one of the worst memories I carried. Guilt seized me again as I realized I hadn't warned Jasper of the threat of fire I dimly saw. Jasper's hand briefly squeezed mine. "It's just that I don't think nearly dying is something to brag about."

"What else should we brag about?" asked Chi Yang. He was serious.

"Maybe something else you do?"

"I kill. It's what I do," he retorted. "I kill to eat and to protect, and sometimes just for fun."

"You collect things," I reminded him.

He snorted. "Yes, I collect things. I collect weapons and other instruments of death. It's a theme."

He was impossible! "What about the art and Chinese artifacts? You collect those, too."

"No, that's me," said Mai Li with a shrug.

I slouched back on the settee.

"You have an impressive collection," said Jasper with a familiar tug to his mouth. He thought this was funny. Men!

"You have only seen some of the pieces. I will take you to the lower sections where you can view the whole thing. I am a rightfully born son of the great Khan, and I have a great appreciation for the things of battle. I have several one of a kind pieces." Chi Yang was beaming.

"I would be interested, but I'm not sure Alice wants to see them," Jasper said as he looked at me.

"I was hoping to take Alice with me," interrupted Mai Li quickly. "I have some things that she might find more interesting than weapons."

Neither Jasper nor I moved.

"Oh, come now, Alice. You will be in the same house as Jasper, just upstairs with me. I have something for you," she almost giggled in anticipation.

"I would be interested in seeing Chi Yang's collection," Jasper hinted.

Fine.

"I guess the boys can play for a while by themselves," I acquiesced. I wasn't happy about it, but it really couldn't do any harm. Mai Li squealed again and I found myself being dragged to the side of the parlor and up a richly carved mahogany staircase.

Jasper was watching us retreat with a very curious look on his face.

Mai Li pulled me into a library of sorts. It was full of books and round rolls of bamboo that I took for scrolls. The place smelled of spices and incense and the crisp scent of tropical wood. Everything here appeared to be very old.

She pointed to a pile of large pillows by another very low table.

"Sit. I have so much to ask you and tell you. Oh! I am just so happy for you!" She was speaking almost too quickly for even me in her excitement. I watched her as she flew around the room, gathering items from a few shelves and grabbing scrolls off of a small, black desk. Then she came over and threw all the items but one down on the table. She handed me a package wrapped in an intricately printed paper folded like a flower around the contents.

"Mai Li," I gasped. "It's beautiful! It's far too beautiful to open."

"Don't be silly," she said with a sly smile. "I made these for you. And for Jasper, well, they are for you both." She moved her deft fingers over the packaging and the flower opened to show a pair of silken garments. One was white and the other red, and the embroidered pattern on each was the same, though done in the opposite color. I held them up to see what they were, and two silk robes unfolded from my hands. The silk was incredibly soft against my fingers. I gasped in pleasure.

"The white one is yours. Try it on!"

I quickly wrapped the robe around me and felt the gentle sturdiness of the silk as it engulfed me. It reached to the ground.

"Even though it is so soft, silk doesn't shred like most cloth. It is very durable, and these will last a long time, if you and Jasper are careful." She looked suddenly bashful. "Of course, you won't want to use them for a few months yet." She said quickly.

I looked at her curiously.

"We are too rough at first," she whispered.

"Oh, no. I mean, yes, but no. Well, yes, we are. But. I wouldn't know. Yet." I was stammering.

"He hasn't taken you?"

I bit back my first answer. "No. Not yet. We just met, Mai Li, and these things take time."

"Not for vampires they don't," she huffed. "He is attracted to you, right?"

"Yes, I think so." I hoped my misery didn't come across in my voice.

"_Think_ so? Does he touch you and allow you to touch him?"

"Sure, but not in _that_ way. At least, not yet." I looked around the room trying to find a way out of this conversation that I couldn't believe I was having.

"If he lets you touch him easily, then he is attracted. Do you have any experience?" she asked offhandedly.

"_What?"_

"Or does he?" she pressed.

"Mai Li, can we talk about something else, please? Anything? Where did you learn to fold gift wrapping like that?"

"Nice try, but no. This is why I brought you here. This is what we need to talk about. That's why I made the robes for you." She smiled at me proudly as she touched them. I wanted to melt through the floor.

"Stop looking like that, Alice. You are a mature vampire, but when it comes to intimacy, there are some things that you need to be aware of."

"Mai Li, you are my very good friend, but I really don't want to talk about intimacy with you. Or anyone else." I stood and tried to leave, and she shoved me back into the cushions. The floor creaked ominously when I landed.

Mai Li giggled like a girl and then unrolled a bamboo scroll in front of me. "You are so funny!" she laughed.

"I'm being quite serious. I don't want to talk about this."

"Oh, but you need to. First, you know we are faster and stronger than humans, which makes things more interesting and substantially more dangerous for anyone or anything nearby. Males, in particular are unbelievably driven in their needs, so you "

"No. No, no, no." I covered my ears and shut my eyes, and began to hum.

Mai Li's smooth hands jerked mine away from my head, and I clapped them back down as fast as I could. I could hear her peels of laughter as she tried to wrench my hands free.

"You are such a baby!"

"I am not! I just don't want to hear this from you."

"Coward!"

"Yep," I began to giggle along with her as we wrestled.

"You don't understand yet, Alice, and you need to be prepared. It can last for days, and we can take down whole buildings in our passion. I'm… only… telling… you… this… as… ugh, you are strong...as your… friend. Ah ha!" She crowed in triumph as she got me in a bear hug from behind. "Are you ready to behave and listen?"

"I spent years with Paul's coven. Trust me, I know. Gregorio was rather specific about the need for indestructible materials."

"Stop wriggling! There is so much more to it, though. I can teach you so many ways to love Jasper that you will be able to play for years. Forever is a very long time if you aren't creative."

I stopped trying to get out of her grasp. She had a point about creativity and forever.

"Will you behave?" she asked.

"Yes, but only because I'm trapped."

"Good. Now, look at this scroll. It was a training scroll for me when I was a girl," she said as she brushed the delicate scroll with gentle fingers. "My father was a low aristocrat. He had nine daughters, and I was his seventh. To marry us all off would have cost too much, so the five youngest daughters were trained to be concubines. This is the very scroll I learned from."

Her face held a soft glow, while mine was locked in shock.

"A _concubine?_"

"Oh, yes, we were all very pretty, and it was a good way to bring the family money and power."

"But what about love?"

"What about it?"

"Didn't you ever want to find a mate and love him?" Thinking of Mai Li as a sold concubine was beyond me.

"Love had nothing to do with marriage in China, especially for the upper classes. It still doesn't. Parents or families chose whom you were to marry, but only if there was enough money involved. With so many daughters, my father couldn't possibly afford to find us all husbands, so he had us train to be concubines instead. I studied for six years to learn the stretches and positions, and I brought a great deal of wealth to my family when I was sold."

"Mai Li, I'm so sorry."

"For what?" She really didn't know.

"That you were never allowed to find love."

She chuckled at me. "Alice, I did find love, and that is much better than almost any other woman in my city did. There were few schools and only few things that women in China could do. I could have married a peasant and farmed, but I hated chickens. I could have been married to someone I never even met so that my family could secure a business deal. I could have been a Buddhist nun. Or, I could be a concubine. It's really not so bad. Besides, the one who bought me was a mercenary for the Huns, and he only bought me to add to his harem. When Chi Yang defeated him in battle, I became his property along with the others. Chi Yang found me honorable and able to fight, so I became his concubine and then his mate."

I couldn't imagine living like that. I couldn't imagine having no options, and little hope of love. I was suddenly very grateful for the choices I had been given. Mai Li's eyes betrayed a little of her sadness.

"I really did do well, Alice. Please don't feel sorry for me."

I suddenly realized what my silence must make her feel like, and I offered a slow smile.

"So, this was your style of college?" I asked as I waved at the long scroll.

"Yes, and I was a very good student," she beamed.

"I bet your classes weren't nearly as boring as mine were."

She raised her eyebrows and smirked.

I took a deep breath. _OK, Alice, you can do this,_ I thought as I tried to overcome the crippling embarrassment.

The writing on the scroll was small, and was accompanied by a larger group of scribbles that I didn't recognize. I took another deep breath.

"So these are instructions?" I asked as my voice broke over the last word.

"Yes, and these are the illustrations that go along with them," she said pointing to the large scribbles.

"Illustrations? They look like blobs," I said as I turned my head to the side. Maybe the scroll was upside down.

"It is a person; a woman to be exact. Here is the head and here are the legs," she explained, pointing to the first illustration.

"They can't be. _Our_ bodies don't even do that. A human would snap in two if they tried it." I turned my head the other way, but I still couldn't see see any way for legs to get in that position.

"Oh, I assure you, every one of these positions is quite possible. It will take a few months, but your body can indeed bend in these forms. In fact, stretching makes us harder to tear apart."

I barely heard her as the blobs slowly began to take forms that defied both my imagination and the laws of physics. Worse than the shock of knowing Mai-Li's past and worse than knowing about this scroll, was the idea that this was supposed to involve Jasper. I was subconsciously shaking my head in a perpetual denial of what I was seeing.

Mai-Li took it as a refusal to believe her.

"It's very easy, Alice. Watch," she demanded, "I'll prove it. See this one?" She pointed to a picture that resembled a rabbit's head. "Look, it's easy." And with a smile, she pulled both legs straight up over her head and assumed the rabbit position.

I felt my eyes bulge in horror as I grabbed for a pillow, shoved it over my face and shrieked.

"You are way too old to act like this," growled Mai-Li in frustration.

"I've always thought of you as my mother," I wailed into the soft, muffling pillow.

"That's so very sweet, Alice," she cooed in pleasure. "However, I am not your mother. I am your friend. And I am a good enough friend to teach you the ways of loving a vampire."

"Did Lena know you were doing this?" If she did, I was going to burn her.

"Of course. She wanted to be here for this, but I thought it would be too much to have us both here."

"Thank God for that," I shuddered as I thought of Lena being in this room. Worse yet, Lena taking what she saw back to Vasily and Ivan. I would have never lived it down.

"Mai-Li, I really don't think we are ready for all of this," I said as I peeked above the pillow. She

was still doing the rabbit thing. "Jasper and I are taking things slowly, this is just a bit too much."

"When the time comes, it won't be slow," she persisted. The woman refused to be put off.

"It took you years of training to learn those positions and be able to stretch like that," I tried to argue.

"But you already know how to dance, and you are quite limber. Besides, it will go quickly since you are a vampire." She unfolded and leaned over to me. "It isn't as hard as you think."

Suddenly, I was knocked on my back with a thud and my legs stretched well over my head. I didn't even have time to gasp before her smiling face was looking down at me.

"This is the first position. Isn't it easy?"

"Ah! Get off of me!" I yelled, only to be turned around and wrapped backwards

"Position two," she chirped happily.

I had been pulled, pushed, and folded so much that every part of me ached. No living being could fold in this many ways, but she kept going despite all my pleas. Mai-Li was relentless, and in the midst of the pain, all I could think about was how I was going to kill her.

"Now bend backward and feel how it stretches your stomach."

I would shred her into tiny pieces.

"Stop pushing against me and let your body stretch!"

Tiny pieces. Slowly.

"This is the last stretch, stop fighting me and we can go on to oils."

Then I would sprinkle her all over a field.

"If you can learn this, it will be much harder to tear you apart. These positions not only bring pleasure, they make you a better fighter."

Then I would douse the field in gasoline.

"Just a little longer... you're almost there!"

My smile widened as I imagined the big POUF as I lit the field on fire.

"Ouch! Mai-Li, I am going to crack in half!"

"Fine." She moved off my legs, and I slowly bent forward and lay face down on the floor as I tried to make sure all my parts and pieces worked. She had ended with position forty-two in which you lay on the floor and pulled your head back enough to touch your rear. I had no idea why. I _refused_ to understand why.

"I just wanted to show you some of the oils and herbs we have found," she bubbled as she pulled a strongly scented tray over. "Sit up!"

I growled loudly.

"Fine, roll over," and she put her toe under my side and heaved me over.

"I want to kill you. You know that, right?"

She laughed. "You are so funny. Believe me, you will thank me later."

I grimaced as I realized I had thought the same thing about taking Jasper shopping just two days ago.

I sat up and put my head between my knees. I had never been pulled and pushed and stretched like that, and my crystal body was aching in response.

"You really did very well, Alice. You have no idea how stiff many of our kind are, but you fold nicely." I heard her rumple some paper and looked to see that she had wrapped the robes up again and that a second package was sitting beside it. Then I looked at the tray. It was covered with dozens of small bowls, each filled with either an oil or pungent herb mix.

"These oils do nothing for your skin, of course, but they make things pleasantly slick..."

I would have to kill Chi-Yang of course, too, because he wouldn't like it that I shredded her.

"...and hot peppers in the oil add a nice tingly sensation ...."

I hoped Jasper wouldn't be too mad, but there was no way she could live. She might tell Ivan and Vasily.

"... petals must be left in the oil for a few months, but the scent is worth the wait..."

Or, I could just kill them all and simply be done with it. That was it. That would solve

everything.

"... don't recommend olive oil because it smells bad over time..."

Suddenly her ramblings were interrupted by a massive thud and several scrolls fell off the shelf at the other end of the room.

"Oh, good, the boys are playing," she smiled. Another crash sounded from below, and a vase tottered ominously.

_"Playing?_"

"Certainly. Chi-Yang has been itching to spar your Jasper and see how he fights."

I swallowed against the panic that was rising in me. "They're _fighting_?" I yelled.

Another massive thud shook two more scrolls free. Mai-Li went to the door and yelled a string of words in Chinese with a massive voice that seemed incongruous with her slight frame.

"We had better go," she sighed sadly. I jumped up in relief and then wished I hadn't. I swear that woman cracked me somewhere.

She gathered up the two paper packages and handed me the one with the robes. Then she began to quickly descend the steps.

"Mai-Li," I called and she skidded to a stop. "Please, _please_ don't tell Jasper what we talked about."

She giggled. "OK. I won't, but you need to know that Chi-Yang had the same talk with Jasper." Then she took off at a full run down the steps.

_"WHAT?" _I roared as I hurtled after her.

I threw myself down the winding stairs after her giggling figure. I was running so fast that I nearly ran into a writhing mass of arms and legs.

"Alice!" said Chi-Yang's head which was at the bottom of the mass. Suddenly, the mass disentangled itself, and Jasper and Chi-Yang were standing there in what looked like utterly disheveled black pajamas. Chi-Yang was smiling. Jasper's face was a contorted mass of emotion. His eyes were wide as he looked at me and then he cleared his throat and looked at the floor.

I could only imagine what Chi-Yang had discussed with him.

No, I couldn't. I wouldn't.

We just stood there for a few seconds frozen in our spots, until Mai-Li giggled again. I glared at her and Chi-Yang, and he _winked_ at me.

Oh, yes, he needed to die.

"I was just showing Jasper some moves. He is very, very good in a fight. I'm impressed. Would you like to stay and watch? Or perhaps you would like to spar with Mai-Li?"

"We have had them here a long time, Chi-Yang, perhaps they would like some time alone,"

suggested Mai-Li.

"No." Jasper and I said it at the same time. We shot each other a quick glance, and then looked away.

"I would like to keep practicing," said Jasper at last.

"Fighting Mai-Li sounds fun to me," I said through clenched teeth. She came over and handed me a pair of black pajamas like the men were wearing, and then showed me to a room in which I could change. Oh, yes. Fighting Mai-Li was exactly what I needed to do.

She was a slippery and frustratingly good opponent. I did get a few good moves on her, but I never got a good kill strike. After several hours of fighting, the anger and embarrassment began to fade, and I began to enjoy our battles. However, I _would_ find a way to get back at them. Somehow.

Someday.

It was now Sunday morning, an hour before sunrise. Chi-Yang was reliving some of his greatest battles, and Jasper and I were intently listening. He was back to holding my hand, but we still avoided direct eye contact.

I was so involved in Chi-Yang's story that I didn't even get the vision before the phone rang. When Mai-Li answered, we all heard Ivan's voice loudly greeting us all.

"Having fun?" he nearly yelled. My stomach lurched as I realized he knew exactly what the Chinese couple had tortured us with last night.

"Ugh, Ivan, stop yelling," snapped Mai-Li.

"Sorry. I was wondering what you are planning for this afternoon."

"Nothing really," Mai-Li looked to her mate and shrugged. "Chi-Yang wants to go out for some Irish railway workers tonight. We were going to ask Alice and Jasper to join us."

"Just Jasper," reminded Chi-Yang.

"Don't some of them have sheep?" queried Mai-Li. Then she looked at me. "Do you like sheep?"

Jasper chuckled and I scrunched up my nose and shook my head. Sheep were nasty.

"Just Jasper," Mai-Li repeated into the phone.

"It's raining today, and a new movie just came out. It is a suspenseful mystery called 'He Walked By Night.' I could be fun."

"Ah yes," nodded Chi-Yang.

Mai-Li giggled again. "Oh, it would be perfect. Then we can eat afterward. What about Alice?"

Yes, what about me? I saw myself hunting a small dear and then returning to the city at dawn. There were no flames. I relaxed and began to think that a hunt might just work. "Don't worry about me, I'll hunt my way, and then I'll meet you all back here."

"I don't want you to go without me," said Jasper quickly.

"Are you eating animals, too?" gasped Mai-Li.

"No. I just don't want her to go alone."

My heart was torn. I wanted him with me, but if he wasn't going to eat animals, it would be best to eat with the others. Besides, after today, I wasn't sure I was ready to be alone with him yet. Mai-Li's positions were beginning to make sense to my now very active imagination. Drat that woman.

"Go with them. It will only take a few hours, and then we can meet back up before sunrise," I

said as happily as I could.

Jasper looked down at me and pressed his lips together. He didn't want to leave me. I felt a familiar surge of joy.

"We will meet you for the matinee and decide later," stated Mai-Li.

I was going to hunt. Alone. The thought washed me in dread, and I barely heard Mai-Li take down the rest of the information and finalize our plans. I would be alone for the first time since meeting Jasper. I wasn't sure I could handle that.

"Well, where was I?" Chi-Yang interrupted my thoughts. He continued with his stories for a few more hours until Mai-Li and I forced him to quit so that we could get ready to go

As we began to leave, Mai-Li called us back and handed me the two flower packages.

"What are these?" asked Jasper.

"Gifts from us to you," smiled Mai-Li. "Open them."

Jasper looked perplexed by the flower folds, so Mai-Li undid them for him. The two robes flowed out, and I had to bite my lip as his eyes widened. I thought briefly about grabbing them and running. I didn't need Jasper having any idea of what Mai-Li and I had discussed.

"They are lovely," Jasper said stiffly as Mai-Li re-folded the flower. I cringed. He knew. "What is in the other one?"

"It is also a gift I made for Alice," said Mai-Li as her quick fingers opened the other package. There in Jasper's hand was a bamboo scroll and several jars of oil. A wave of sheer panic swept through me, and I instantly grabbed the paper out of Jasper's hands.

"That is for me," I said through clenched teeth. Mai-Li giggled.

Jasper just stared at me as I crumpled the paper over the scroll and oils and clutched them to my chest. As horrified as I was that Jasper might see the contents of the scroll, though, I didn't really want to destroy their gift. I was beginning to see the possibilities offered in that tightly rolled scroll.

I grabbed the other package, shot a glare at the grinning Mai-Li, and rapidly went to my car's trunk to place them securely there. Jasper was right behind me.

"So, do you want to tell me what that was about?"

"No." _Dear God, no._

He looked like he might say something more, but his mouth simply twitched into its uneven smile and he went to open the door for me.

We said nothing on the way to the theater, but Jasper's mouth continued to twitch all the way there.

Jasper was a bundle of nerves as we arrived at the movie theater.

"This is the first time I have ever been with this many humans," he hissed with uncertainty. "I've never been in one of these theaters," he said as we entered and chose seats in the balcony.

"Never?"

He shook his head and looked around in amazement, but he had a death grip on my hand, and I covered it with my other hand to help him keep it there. Luckily, the theater had a balcony that was vacant and perfect for our needs. The movie wasn't well enough attended for anyone to join us, so it remained empty, though a few couples did come up to look. To enjoy the movie, we needed to be above the humans.

"Really, Jasper?" asked Ivan. "I love them, especially the scary ones."

"He never actually watches them. He enjoys playing with the humans," whispered Vasily from my other side.

"What does that mean?" asked Jasper.

I giggled. "Wait until the lights go off." I instructed.

We sat quietly until the lights dimmed and the familiar black and white streaks began to run down the screen. Ivan was nearly giddy and shifted constantly beside me. Jasper was so tense he was utterly still and stiff until the film began. He was torn between watching the Russian and following the opening credits on the screen. The rapidly scrolling images won, and I watched as he sat mesmerized by the story unfolding before him. It was so strange to think that this was his first movie. I could already tell that the movie would only be marginally good, but I knew that watching the vampires would make up for it.

_If _Vasily didn't lose control. Usually, we did this at night just in case he slipped.

They waited until the music began its suspenseful crescendo, and then the vampires went to work. In the dark of the theater, they each leapt down behind a couple or group and then let out a low growl or hiss. By the time the shocked humans turned, the vampires were back sitting demurely in their seats. The first time this happened, Jasper gasped, but then he caught on to the game and shook with silent laughter until his seat squeaked in protest.

Each time the movie's plot intensified, the others went into scare mode. They would hop down like a plague of grasshoppers, hiss or growl, and jump back into their seats so quickly that even I could barely see them. I couldn't imagine how the humans must have felt, but their faces gave me a pretty good idea. Jasper was openly smiling, though he was far from relaxed. After forty-five minutes, a young woman who had been hissed at twice burst into tears and begged her companion to take her home. She left leaning heavily on the thin man who had brought her. She looked up and gave us a baleful, yet fear filled stare as she left. Our entire row shook with laughter until a bolt popped off of the base of a seat.

By then end of the two-hour show, the fear in the room was palpable. The humans sat frozen in their seats for a bit, then two young males bolted for the door. Their action opened the floodgate, and the entire theater ran for the doors at top speed, several men dragging their female companions behind them.

The remaining humans in the theater lobby fled for cover as the seven of us laughed our way out into the early evening rain.

Then, the reality of my choice of prey came crashing down on me.

"Are you sure you won't come with us?" Lena's question was quiet.

"I don't want to change my diet right now, thank you," I said firmly to both myself and to her. I could not give up this part of me. Not now.

"They have chickens," offered Vasily with a shrug. I rolled my eyes at him.

"I will stay with you, then," stated Jasper. I looked into his eyes, which were now just beginning to show black around the iris.

"Jasper, you need to eat so that you don't make any mistakes. It will take me longer to get my prey." I fought the constriction of my chest as I said the rest. "You should go with them and hunt and have fun. I will be back before morning." I had seen it twice now.

"No," said Jasper, but I could tell he was torn.

"Come with us Jasper," urged Chi-Yang. "_Believe_ me, you don't want to eat with her. You will be reunited with her soon enough. Besides, we have much to show you."

Jasper didn't move, which was good because I didn't want him to move. I felt my two halves, the good Alice and the murderous vampire, begin to battle for my mind. I wasn't even sure I _could_ leave, and the vampire I had kept silent for so long roared with its new found strength.

"If Alice says that she will be back, she will. She knows these things. You can always trust her when she has that tone to her voice," offered Vasily.

Something in what he said made Jasper stiffen. He looked at me, torn again, but resolute. He would go with them while I hunted in the forest.

The vampire screamed in protest. It was so close, so very close.

"Yes, perhaps I will go with you," he said as he cocked his half-smile at me. I caught my breath. He looked sad.

"See you soon, Alice," called Ivan as they turned and walked away from me. Jasper's look was pained as he turned to follow the others. It took everything I had not to join them. My need for blood and need for Jasper were so very strong. I closed my eyes and let the battle rage, barely hanging on to the person inside of me.

A single human wasn't too much of a loss compared to watching Jasper walk away, was it?

I hated the answer. I hated that I even asked the question.

I turned with great effort and drove my car home. Once there, I changed into hunting clothes, and ran from the city in a desperate search for an area devoid of humans and full of prey. On the East coast, where humans were so thick, neither of those was an easy thing to find.

I intended to hunt for anything that I could find, but from here in New York City, that would be at least an hour's run away. I began the run at my fastest pace, so that I could finish quickly and return to Jasper, but I found that I couldn't keep that speed up. Every step of my run jarred me with a small stab of pain. Each little stab built upon the one before it so that the pain built up until my legs slowed and I was forced to stop. It was as if a band was tied around me and was constricting with each step I took. The pain and the pressure were simply too much. I wrapped my arms around my chest and tried to calm myself, to come to terms with the pain. It was paralyzing.

How did any of the others ever leave each other?

I sat on the roots of a large tree and breathed deeply. I was hoping to ease the pain, and perhaps find a scent. The pain didn't ease, but it didn't grow either. I found no near scent in the air and would need to go on soon, but I couldn't bring myself to move just yet. Instead, I looked hard to the near future to see Jasper. Perhaps a look could calm my nerves and loosen the painful band that seemed to be crushing my chest.

Jasper came into my mind quickly and easily. Even in a vision, his face calmed me, and I relaxed. I saw him in a hunting crouch. I pushed further. He was laughing and tussling with Vasily under the dim light of a cloud-covered moon. I looked again, just to make sure, and the final vision was of the vampires, each on a skyscraper in Manhattan, tossing small white balls to each other so fast they were merely white blurs. It would indeed be a good night for him.

The band around me loosened, and my mood was better. He was safe and happy, and I could now hunt quickly and free of worry.

I ran north, searching for any scent that could feed me. I found a herd of deer south of Albany, but it was small, and I only fed on one. I decided to head for the lake country upstate to find a larger herd or perhaps an elk or bear. I wanted to be full enough that I didn't need to hunt for a while. After just two hours, I came upon a large bull moose, and took him down quickly. I relished the warm blood as I felt my stomach fill.

My mood was instantly better, almost lighthearted. The moose would be enough for me, and I could now get back to Jasper. I realized with a surge of pleasure that I would be able to see him in just a few more hours. Of course, I would need to bathe and change first so that I didn't stink of moose.

Feeling much better about the world, I began to make my way back when I detected a faint but deliciously familiar scent. Wolf. I loved wolf. I was really too full for it, but I decided to hunt for just a few minutes to see if I could catch the young male I smelled.

It didn't take long. I followed his scent and discovered that the male had found my first kill and was gorging himself on the fallen moose. I came up behind him and took him in one leap, enjoying his predator's sweetness. Just as I finished and sat back, the vision of me returning to the city at dawn filled my mind and then shifted to me returning at night.

_No kidding_, I thought sarcastically. The hunt tonight had gone well.

But something in the vision's memory caught my attention. Something was wrong. Very wrong. I looked to the vision again and stopped breathing.

This time, my face was different. This time, my face was in agony.

I sat back, but couldn't feel the earth beneath me. I felt as if I was falling. I tried to grasp the ground around me to stop my fall as I desperately searched with every part of my mind to see what had happened.

With a crushing clarity, a second vision hit me, and I saw what was wrong.

It was perfectly clear. Absolute. Unalterable.

Jasper was running from the city as my cries followed him.

It was coming true.

* * *

In a little over 24 hours, all the secrets will be out. But it won't be easy. In fact, it will be the fight of her life.


	6. Chapter 6: Between Water and Fire

Thanks so much for the tremendous support you have given this story! I just love the comments and commentaries you leave. You make all the sleepless nights and endless editing worth it.

Remylebeauishot did her best for me again. Three cheers for you, BB.

All the cannon characters and plot belong to Stephenie Meyer. I only own the original plot and characters. I also own 9 baby Degus that need homes. Want one?

* * *

_**J****asper**_

It hurt. I couldn't even breathe for the pain. I had never hurt like this, and it was enough to convince me to return to her immediately.

Even if it meant I wouldn't feed.

Even if it meant I wouldn't find out what Alice was hiding.

I felt Vasily's concern just a moment before his arm went around my shoulder. He was lucky I had felt it coming; had he tried that without warning, I would have instinctively removed the arm from his body.

"The first time is always the hardest," he said.

"We couldn't stand to be apart for the first six months," nodded Lena as she held his other hand. "It gets easier with time, but it never stops hurting entirely." She smiled a knowing smile at her mate. Thankfully, he let the arm drop from my shoulders.

"We are glad you found each other," soothed Mai-Li from behind me. "I know it's hard, but this has always been her choice. She is very good and very fast, and if she said she will be here by morning, she will."

I kept walking. I needed to eat. I needed to know.

Who was I kidding? I needed Alice.

I took a deep breath and winced. Their assurances did help, but not much. I tried to calm my own emotions and dwell on the anticipation the others felt.

"You have all said that several times now. You've said, she would 'know.' What does she know that I should trust her?" I asked. So long as we were together, I might as well use the time wisely.

I sensed the immediate onslaught of anxiety.

"She loves you. Surely you can see that," said Mai-Li a little too quickly. "She wouldn't lie to you."

Interesting choice of words considering that lying was exactly what she was doing. More interesting, or perhaps pathetic, was how much I should care and didn't. All I wanted was to be with her again.

However, I needed to eat. I needed to know.

_Sure. Just keep telling yourself that_.

"That's not what you mean when you say it," I pushed.

Anxiety changed to worry and hostility, especially from Chi-Yang. Of course his natural response to anything seemed to be hostility.

"Now isn't the time to discuss Alice," said Ivan with a forced nonchalance. He looked meaningfully at his brother. "After we eat, perhaps. We will be running soon, anyway."

"Where are we going?" I asked, trying to distract both them and myself.

"Newark."

I had no idea where that was, but we were walking towards the bridge. As soon as the encroaching darkness hid our forms, the others took off at a dead run, and I tried to keep up. The pain increased infinitesimally with each passing yard.

If I hadn't been surrounded by others, I would have given up and run after Alice as fast as I could. However, I was with them, and _did_ need to know. Ivan's answer and all of their reactions confirmed my deepest fear. She was lying, and whatever the secret was, it was important.

By the time we reached the rail yards on the other side of what must be the dirty city of Newark, the sun was fully set, and my mind was in utter turmoil.

"… so that leaves the southernmost portion for me," Ivan was saying. I looked at him curiously.

"Did you hear a word I said?"

"No, not really," I admitted sheepishly. I felt like an idiot. I was among vampires who could turn on me at any time, and I was lost in thought.

_Get a grip on yourself, soldier._

Ivan sighed impatiently. "Your area is the northern track. Just head up there to hunt and meet us back at the roundhouse."

I nodded. I would need to put at least a mile between myself and the others, but they had assured me that the railway workers would be out in force now that it was spring. This was like old times. For the brief period that Maria held Houston, we ate like this, and the lure of this easy lifestyle was strong. To hold a city and eat from it whenever we desired was every vampire's dream. Thousands had been made and destroyed in the battle for such rights. It was for this that I was created.

I ran north, the anticipation of blood leading my feet while my mind and emotions followed in numb awareness. This was not going to be as easy as it used to be. My carefully constructed walls were broken at best and shattered at worst. Not only that, but I could _feel _again. Being with Alice was resurrecting emotions that I had worked decades to destroy. Up until now, the numbness had been my salvation. Not feeling used to be a blessing. Now that I wasn't numb anymore, feeding was going to hurt like hell.

I caught the scent at the same moment that my ears picked up the sound. Snoring. Thank God. If they stayed asleep, perhaps I wouldn't have to deal with too much.

I braced myself and fortified my barriers.

I felt the monster take my mind as my body drew close to the blood. They were together, my prey. Four males asleep in a box car. There snores reverberated against the metal and wooden walls. If I was careful, they wouldn't wake up.

I let the vampire take me, and pounced on the first man. In my own muddled state, I bit too deeply, and my teeth grazed the bones of his neck. His eyes opened in shock for the briefest of seconds, and his terror roared through me. I drank quickly, spilling some blood from the depth of my bite. I felt his awareness ebb quickly, but not before the terror turned to agonizing loss and hopelessness. The terror had slammed in to me, but the hopelessness drug me down and drove me to my knees. Not in twenty years had I felt the emotions of a victim so raw against my own.

I sat back for a moment, trying to erase the sting of his emotions. They had nearly crippled me.

That moment, I decided to take the dead man and leave. I didn't need to eat. I couldn't stand it, not tonight. I wondered if I ever would be able to stand it again. However, that brief moment in which I decided to let the others live damned them. A young man, still lanky in his youth, exploded with emotions that could only mean one thing. I looked over and met his eyes. He had seen.

I fought his crippling fear and set upon him with as much swiftness as I could. His blood was sweet, but the fear and grief at his lost life rocked me, and I moaned in pain as I finished him off. His emotions were sharp and painful, and I dropped his lifeless body with a thud. I slumped to my elbows beside him and tried to deal with the aftermath of two victims' emotions on my fragile heart. It was like venom in a wound, the first cut paling in comparison to the searing burn. I realized I was breathing heavily and uneven, and that my body was shaking. I heard the sobs before I knew they were mine.

Suddenly, the pain doubled, wrenching my stomach as my body reacted to the feelings. I fell all

the way to the floor from the blow. Fear, terror, loss.

The other two had awakened to my sobs.

There was only one option, and I hid behind the monster as it did what it had done for over eighty years. I could barely see. I could barely register what I was doing. I drank and killed on instinct alone as their emotions burned me and rendered me helpless. As the last heartbeat sounded, I fell back onto the wood of the boxcar, and curled into the fetal position. I held myself, trying to control my own emotions as the last of theirs burned into my memory and then were gone.

As soon as I could, I lurched out of the car, and took several deep, healing breaths in the clean air. Slowly, the smell of smoke registered to me, and I looked over to their small fire. Several coals were still hot enough under the ash, so I carefully placed them in the floor of the boxcar using a shovel. Gathering leaves and twigs, I brought them to life, and let the fire spread to the bodies of the dead.

I had done what I must.

I staggered over to a pile of railroad ties, and collapsed onto it. I had to collect my thoughts and control my emotions before anything else happened. I cursed myself. I cursed the world, and then I laughed at the irony of it. I _was_ the curse of the world.

I felt betrayed by the very hope that had brought me back to life. I had begun to feel again. I had begun to _live_ again. But I could not live and feel and be a vampire. I could not be death and _live_. It wasn't possible. It couldn't be done.

The truth of my life hit me full force; I was trapped

I needed Alice. I needed her love. I needed to feel the life that she gave me every minute I was with her.

But I could not have Alice and be a vampire.

I felt the hot rush of air as the roof of the boxcar collapsed into the flames, but I only barely noted it. With another lurch of my stomach I realized how truly hopeless my life was. The very idea that I could find love was preposterous. I was death, how could I have ever thought that I could find life?

Off to my right, I heard the booming voice of Vasily calling my name. I hid my emotions behind my quickly repaired barriers and rose on unsteady legs.

I could not love Alice. I didn't know how to love. I didn't know if I even had the ability any more. I could not feel love and kill. And I would not live with her lies.

Her lies. The thought chilled me. What if all of this was a lie?

The Russian's voice came closer, and I began a quick run back to him. I would find out the secret behind her, and then I would decide what to do. Even in my tormented mind, I could not fathom leaving her without knowing. Perhaps in her secret was a reason for me to stay. Or enough of a reason to leave.

"Jasper! We were beginning to wonder if you had run off," he boomed.

"No," I chuckled in return. "Just making sure the mess is cleaned up," and I pointed to the smoke rising in the night sky.

"Ah, I see. It's good of you to be so thorough. We have had many problems with sloppy eaters. Would you like to come wrestle with us? Chi-Yang was telling me about your throwing move, and we would love for you to teach it to us."

I smiled but inwardly moaned. My stomach was full to the point of pain, and wrestling would only exacerbate the problem. However, the others were the best sources of information that I had. They could help me determine what Alice's gift was, and playing along with them was a good way to open them up. I projected a happiness that I doubted I would ever feel again and joined the Russian on the run back to the others.

It took nearly two hours of wrestling and teaching to get them relaxed enough to confide in me.

"So, you said that Alice is a good fighter, but I just can't see it. She is so little, how lethal can she be?" I asked, knowing that the taunt would lead them in to the topic I needed to discuss.

Instantly, I found myself flat on my back and staring into the face of a grinning Mai-Li. I was impressed. She was good.

"It's not about size, Jasper Whitlock. Alice is almost untouchable. I would bet she could take you down easily," she said in a sing-song voice as she got up.

"I don't know," pondered Ivan. "Jasper is like a snake, fast and sure. She might have a hard time keeping up with him."

"She is like a mongoose, and more than a match for his, um, _snake_," laughed Chi-Yang. I don't think he was talking about fighting anymore. The other vampires snickered.

"What makes her so good?" I wondered out loud, hoping they would take the bait. There was an awkward silence, and then Mai-Li spoke up.

"She knows. It is like she can tell what your next move will be, so you have to surprise her in order to take her down."

"It is luck," argued Chi-Yang. "I believe she can alter uncertain things, like the stock market and games. Fighting would be in that category. She can alter what will happen. I think she can control luck."

"That would make sense. How else would she have sensed the crash in '29?" nodded Lena. It was as if she was just now thinking about it.

"But she saw the others when we attacked the iron works during the last coven war," interrupted Ivan. "That is more than luck."

"She nearly got herself killed in that war. Twice. I think it may indeed be that she senses when something is lucky or not. She can't tell us everything, but she gets hunches. Chi-Yang makes a lot of sense," argued Lena.

"So you don't really know?" I asked, defeat coloring my tone more than I wanted it to. Even they didn't know for sure what her gift was. However, it was obviously a formidable one.

"Not really. We don't really care. She makes us money, is unswervingly loyal, and is fun to be with," ticked off Vasily. "She knows some things, but not all. I haven't asked her, and neither have the others. After we got to know her, we just trusted her, and whatever it is that she does is fine with us."

"Now that you mention it," began Mai-Li, "I think I will ask her. I never really worried about it before now, but it would be nice to know."

"We have about 4 hours until dawn. Why don't we go back and play roofball until she returns?" asked Vasily. The idea was greeted with grunts of approval, and we headed back to the center of New York. It was a relief to run back to the city as each step eased the tight constriction that fell on me when Alice left. However, nothing eased my mind. I wondered as we ran why Ivan had remained so

silent.

As we entered the city, they explained the rules of roofball. We would take to the top of three skyscrapers and hurl baseballs at each other in an intense version of dodge ball. It sounded like fun, and had I been in a better mood, I would have enjoyed the game. The one benefit to it tonight was that Ivan would be my partner.

We took our places on three flat topped sky scrapers and waited for Vasily to return with the baseballs. The others spent the time hurling insults at each other in several languages. They really were quite humorous to watch, and I would have indeed enjoyed this night if my mind hadn't been in utter chaos. I still saw no way that I could stay. I couldn't find any way to love Alice and live as I needed.

"You are a quiet soldier," said Ivan as Vasily tossed us our balls.

"I don't have much to say."

"Do you have much to ask?"

I paused. Was this a trick? Suddenly, the whistle of a ball alerted me to the incoming hazard, and I dodged one and caught another in rapid succession. I hurled the two balls back at Mai-Li, and caught up another to which I gave a wicked twist. Lena nearly took it in her head.

"Yes, I do," I answered without looking at him.

Ivan laughed, and continued the game for a few minutes.

"She is wonderful," he whispered. The unexpected answer came with an unexpected rush of emotion, and the bitter feel of jealousy briefly washed from him. Interesting.

"I know she is wonderful." _Believe me. _

"She is strongly gifted, and only the best will do for her." His voice remained quiet, but the prickly feeling of jealous anger rose again for a moment. I was hit hard by an incoming volley from Lena, but I couldn't care about that. His words hit me harder than anything else that night.

"How strong?" my voice was too rough.

Ivan whirled to return two volleys, and I felt another ball hit my back like a cannon. I returned the favor and waited for the answer to my fate.

"She is stronger than anyone I know. Her gift is definitely stronger than Paul's, and probably stronger than any of the Volturi's, though she doesn't know how to use it properly."

I swallowed, trying to focus on the incoming balls, but it was no use.

"What do you mean by 'properly?'" I didn't even try to control the panicked edge to my voice.

Ivan turned to me and shrugged. "I mean that she is young and hasn't had time to utilize her gift like she should. I mean that she could rule our world if she chose to, but she wastes it. I mean that the one who chooses to love her must be able to help her achieve her potential. She spends her time going to college and hunting animals when she _could _be building an empire. Of course, that may be for the best. If anyone knew of her gift, she would be in constant danger.

"So now I have questions for you, Jasper Whitlock," he sneered my name like a curse word. "Are you the one who is strong enough? Are you able to love and protect the most gifted of us all? Are you man enough to help her rise to glory?"

His words cut through my thoughts and caught me unprepared. It was as if he was echoing the tortured questions of my innermost thoughts. Was I enough? The part of me that had just returned to life screamed out yes as I realized that the answer was no.

She was gifted, possibly beyond anything I had ever encountered. She was loved, not because of her powerful gift or what she had done, but because of who she was. She had chosen to somehow live as an angel rather than the demon she was created to be. She could rule an empire, and she deserved a mate worthy of her.

I wasn't that man. I don't think I had ever been him.

"No," he sighed deeply, and a sense of accomplishment rose in him like vapors off a swamp. "No, I didn't think you were." He smiled and turned back to his game.

No, I wasn't.

I felt as if the world was crushing me. The constricting feeling of loss gripped me in a vise I could not escape. My mind swam, and my eyes refused to focus. I was running before I even realized that I had descended from the building. I ran at top speed, slowing only to swim across the Hudson River, more by instinct than anything else. They did not need to have my scent to follow.

I fled until the smell of humans and civilization was no longer in the air about me. I slowed and found that I was standing in an opening in a forest, at the edge of a cliff leading down to a river. When I turned, I could only just make out the light of the city through the trees behind me. I realized that I had a sharp pain in both hands, and I looked down to see my nails cutting through the crystal skin on my hands. I tried to release them, but they remained tautly curled.

I needed to think, and I needed to do it without the emotions and suggestions of others around me. I closed my eyes, letting the sound of flowing water calm me. I tried to sooth myself with poems and songs. I tried to focus on the noise of the river. Nothing I did eased the constricting pain that threatened to rip me in two. I could finally release my hands a little, but they clenched back up. I stood there unmoving, clenching and unclenching my hands, and breathing heavy, though I had no reason to.

I heard myself chuckle bitterly. The sound had a hysterical edge to it. I had just learned that Alice was gifted beyond measure in some way, and it panicked me. I still didn't even know what the gift was. Not exactly. The hints of what her gift might be gave me a working premise, and if I was even close to the mark, she would indeed need a protector. She would need an army of them. And she would need a far better man than me.

Funny how this day had begun with my questions about her, and had ended with questions about myself.

For that now was the core of the issue. Who, exactly, was I? Strangely, that thought brought the same images of my human past into my mind that had flashed through when Alice and I had first met. Hazy and barely discernible, they blazed like a beacon in the dark night of my life.

I saw them all. My mother beaming with pride as I rode my first horse. My father's tears as I marched off to war. My grandfather and I fishing. It had been fifty years since I had tried to see my old life, and I was amazed that there was anything left at all.

My hand went unbidden to the small leather pouch in my pocket.

"No matter what is done to you, or what happens, never give up on what is right and just. Never give up hope."

I jerked at the words. They were so clear that they could have been said out loud by a man at my side. However, they had been uttered eighty-eight years ago by my dying grandfather. Even close to death, his voice had been strong.

"Never give up hope." His bass voice mocked me from my past. In a masochistic attempt, I tried to grasp the fleeting mental pictures that accompanied the words. The library -- he had found me there. I was wearing my uniform. I was going to war, and I had taken refuge in the only place that had given me peace -- even before my change being near too many people had been a challenge.

We had had a long conversation among the books. We had spoken of his memories and my grandmother, and the impossible love they had for each other. It was my last memory of him. I only knew that the news of his death found me months later on the battlefield.

I rubbed my hand over the old, slick leather pouch in my pocket. "Never give up hope," he had said as he handed me that small pouch with its precious, but odd, treasure. My mother must have given it to him to give to me. I only now just realized it. I felt the lump inside the cracked bag, the only remaining thing I had from my life as a human.

I resisted the urge to crush the bag and grind its contents to dust.

It mocked me. The tiny symbol of life, love, and hope mocked me. I forced my hand out of my pocket, and shook my fist at the sky. It was a futile attempt to force fate to strike me dead. I laughed again as I realized it had already done so.

Why now? Was this my punishment? As if the hell I had endured for eighty years wasn't enough? I was _so_ close. I was so damn close to finding happiness. I just couldn't figure out how to grasp it. My salvation lay across a gulf I wasn't able to span. I wasn't sure I even had the courage to try. The pressure that had slowly been crushing me re-doubled, and I moaned under the pain.

I could never be worthy of her. I was not strong enough for her. I could not be a part of her life. The crushing pressure rose until it felt as if my very bones would crumble.

Like a shower of ice, the full reality of what I had done descended upon me. This wasn't about her and had never been. I had become angry at her lie, but I had lied as well. I had questioned her because of her gift, and yet I had used my gift to manipulate her without ever telling her the truth. If it was a matter of survival for me, how much more so for her?

I had felt trapped, but how much of the trap was my own doing? She openly offered her life, and I grasped it like the dying man I was. No, she hadn't pulled me into a trap; I had rushed in. I had stayed because I wanted to, because I needed to.

How had I ever even considered the possibility that I was worthy of love?

From somewhere deep within me, the man who had been reborn of hope rushed forward and began fighting for the love that had resurrected him. I was surprised that a part of me was willing to fight to protect what I had found. The new man within me began sending out arguments like lightening bolts.

_You were once a good man, why can't you be one now?_

I closed my eyes and fought against the memories of death. No matter how long it had been, the cries, screams, and smell of sweet smoke would never leave me._ Being good is beyond me. I have been too evil for too long._

_How are you worse than the other murderers that Alice calls friends? _

I wasn't comparing myself to them. I was comparing myself with her._ They don't deserve her either._

_Who does? Who is better to love and protect her?_

I could not even imagine another man loving her. The very thought filled me with agonized rage. Every crystal in me longed to be her lover and protector, but I could not do it._ Someone better than me._

_Who is good enough?_

I felt myself laugh bitterly_. It doesn't matter. I'm not, that's all I need to know. _

_If it doesn't matter, why can't it be you?_

It simply wasn't possible for me to be her mate. _ It won't be me, I am leaving._

_Do you really think you can?_

That brought me up short. I was barely able to stand here. Could I leave and go further?

Memories of Alice's touch and laughter filled my mind. I smiled at them, even though they brought me pain. I was helpless against the memories of being near her. I was helpless against her love. I was simply helpless.

The hopeful part of me crowed in victory.

I could not leave. There was no denying it. I dropped to my knees in frustrated defeat. I could not be what she needed, but I could not leave her either.

As the inner turmoil ebbed, I sensed a new set of feelings, but the feelings were not coming from within me. Caution, anticipation, elation, fury and seething hate. From behind me, the emotions rolled out through the trees like a poisonous fog. Close, they were so close, and they came at me from all around, growing stronger each second.

My mouth curled into a snarl as a harsh growl rose in my chest. My body dropped into its fighting stance. I didn't have much time, but I wasn't totally unprepared. This, at least, I knew how to do well. I might not know how to live, but I did know how to kill.

I backed away from the ledge, leading the way to more open space. Yes, _this_ I knew all too well. Only a handful of my kind hated me enough to send off waves of loathing like that. I readied myself.

Suddenly, the emotions were joined by terror, grief, and... love. It pierced through the other emotions like a knife. I whirled around to see Alice's face contorted in agony. Her eyes were pleading and her hands raised towards me.

"Jasper, please. Please don't leave me. Jasper, please, no." Her voice was broken and barely above a whisper. I winced at her pain. I wanted to calm her, to stop the hurt I saw in her face, but the need to protect her overrode it all.

With a roar of agony, I launched myself at her, knocking her as hard as I could to the other side of the river. I heard her body hit the rock wall with a sickening crack, but I could not stay to see what I had done. I began racing away from her as fast as my legs could carry me. Her pitiful cries echoed back to me as I fled.

I had no choice; I had to save her.

* * *

_**Alice**_

I knew I had hit something. I knew that I was laying on my back, and that my body should have felt the pain, but as I stared at the patchwork of stars and clouds, I could not feel my body at all. Something was terribly wrong.

Suddenly, the reality of what had happened hit me as hard as the stone wall. A ball of fiery pain rose from the center of me and burst out.

"Jasper!" I heard myself scream the words. "_Jasper! JASPER!_" With each call, the searing pain grew.

I forced myself to roll over and began to sob into the muddy earth. My fists pounded craters into the wet dirt, sending up geysers of mud into the air. I could hear my voice screaming, but they were words that I didn't recognize. As the sun rose over me, I was able to slowly quiet the screams until they were little more than moans. I curled up and held myself, trying to endure the wracking bursts of agony.

The memory of his rage filled face and violent roar flashed into my mind. He had tried to kill me. What had I done? Why did he hate me?

I felt the ground tremor around me as I sobbed. There was only one answer to my questions; he hated me because of what I am. I had known it all along. The visions had told me, but I had refused to understand. I would never be his because he hated me.

I moaned again and tried to stand, but the pain and my sobs wouldn't let me. I began to inch my way towards the water before I even knew where I was trying to go. I stopped and laughed hysterically as I realized that I was trying to cross the river. My body was trying to find Jasper even as my mind was being destroyed by the pain and the knowledge that he didn't want me.

The pain ripped through me again and forced me to curl up in the shallow water. As I rolled in agony, I tried to find a solution to the pain, but there were none. The only thing that was clear to me was that I could not live like this. When I had seen him with Maria, it had nearly destroyed me, but I hadn't been ready to die. This time, the destruction was complete. The cold water helped to clear my mind enough to know that this time, I would choose death. It was the only option left.

Flames. The thought brought a strange calm to me. I would find flames, and then the pain would stop. There was no longer any reason for me to do anything else. I pushed myself further into the cold darkness of the river, and sank to the bottom. The cold darkness felt good. The flames would lead to darkness because, when the flames died down, there would be nothing left. Nothingness was black.

My mind filled with the vision of the large fire. It was very clear this time, and I could see the trees and hear laughter. This is what my visions were telling me. It was ironic; I had once been so afraid to look into the flames, and now they were all I desired. The vision faded, but I willed it to return. I had to look into the flames this time. I had to see my future clearly. I brought the vision back and looked hard into the flames, and when I did, my muffled scream was drowned by the rushing water around me.

The flames were still there, but they weren't for me. In the middle of the fire was Jaspers torn body. The flames were licking across his face and turning his gold hair to ash as I watched.

I thrashed against the water as I sucked it into my lungs. I lurched forward along the river's bottom and crawled my way through the thick mud until I was retching the water out of my lungs on the opposite bank. Then I began to furiously climb up the cliff edge in my attempt to reach Jasper. When I finally clawed my way to the top, I quickly found his scent, drawing his essence into my lungs.

And I was filled with rage and fear.

His scent was mingled with three, no, more than three, others. The vision of fire roared through my mind again, as if urging me forward. My legs began to move without any need of my mind. I desperately sped through the forest as I followed the scents.

He hated me, but I didn't care. He would never want me, but I would fight to save him. I would welcome the flames for myself, but I could not allow him to die in them. I ran like never before into the face of death and loss.

I had no choice; I had to save him.

* * *

For those of you who commented: yes, it was a very good cliff-hanger. Alice and Jasper will know the truth at sunrise the next day. A few things happen between now and then, however. Remember, it is impossible to love truly without truly knowing yourself. Jasper and Alice have a lot to learn.

For those of you who are looking for other fictions to read while these update, may I suggest the following authors:

EdwinaCullen whose work is all rated T and cannon

EliseShaw: cannon and wonderful. Rated both T and M

AmandaBeth: cannon post-Breaking Dawn, T

vjgm whose Parenting 101is a classic

I also have some authors whose work I enjoy, but they are rated M. All of the stories are wonderful and very deep, but they are for older readers.

OCDindeed whose wonderful story is an AU but very clean and YA friendly work

Leelan Oleander whose work is AH and deals with tough issues that many women face

AngelAtTwilight whose Ragweeds is currently being worked on, but is well worth the reading


	7. Chapter 7: Ghosts of the Past

A huge thanks to all my readers and especially those of you who have been willing to review the story for me. Reviews are the life-blood of writing for the authors here.

Remylebeauishot did double duty for me and gave me not only the grammar check I needed, but the reality check as well. Thank you BB!

All cannon characters and plot belong to the wonderful and talented Stephenie Meyer. I own the original characters and a macroeconomics book that I'm planning to burn.

* * *

_Alice_

Jasper's tracks and his scent were nearly impossible to follow, so I had to track the painfully obvious trail of the others. There were four distinct scents and footprints, and none of them even tried to hide their passing. Their trail swerved and backtracked as they lost and then found Jasper's trail. Several times, I feared they had lost him and would turn back to find me, but this never happened. Whoever they were, they were relentless in their hunt.

And the vision of fire never faded.

We flew across the hills and low mountains of the Allegheny range and then further south and west until we were in the thick forests of the Appalachian range. Jasper was using the streams and rivers that ran in the ridges between the peaks to try and hide his scent. I was thankful of the thick forest that not only hid our skin but also marked their path so clearly.

As I flew through the trees, I tried to keep my mind only on the pursuit. I kept myself numb to the turmoil building inside me, focusing only on reaching Jasper. The run was the only way to keep the fear and crippling loss at bay. So long as I was heading towards him, so long as I still had a purpose_,_ neither of those feelings overcame me. I did not think about what would happen if he was caught by the others.

Or what would become of me if he truly didn't want me.

We had run across most of the ridges and rivers that make up the Appalachian range when a vision absorbed me so thoroughly that I ran into and toppled a large oak. Jasper was running in the twilight in a thin forest. He was still among low hills, but the wide plains stretched out before him. He changed direction, suddenly, and ran due south, skirting the trees and trying to remain in the cover of the sparse forest. With a roar of victory, a large vampire lunged at him from behind a thicket. They collided with a metallic explosion. The attacker wrapped Jasper in a tight bear hug, and began rolling with him across the forest floor. As I watched in terror, two others piled on top of their thrashing forms, crushing Jasper to the ground.

"No!" I gasped as I pushed myself up.

I ripped the remainder of the oak off of me, and began racing again. The vision left me at the mercy of my fear, and the ripping pain of loss stabbed at my chest. Nothing but reaching Jasper mattered now. I looked up and saw the disk of the sun touch the top of the hill in front of me. I was out of time.

I pushed myself harder, but my speed was already at its peak. I desperately searched for the markers of the vision, the low hills, thin forest and plains beyond, but I didn't find them until the sun was gone from the sky. At the moment I recognized the landscape, a faint roar and metallic crash reached my ears. It was to my left.

I raced forward, nearly bursting on the scene in my rush. Jasper was being pulled off the ground by the three vampires. They were whooping and laughing in victory, and even though Jasper fought back, he was entirely trapped by their combined strength. Two had his arms, and the smallest of the three was directly behind him, holding his chest with an arm and his hair with his other hand.

My world went red in rage. I pushed back the onslaught of visions as I desperately tried to loop around behind the attackers.

"So this is the great Jasper Whitlock!" laughed the small one, spitting venom as he spoke. "Carlos is going to promote me for _this_," he hissed, yanking Jasper's head viscously back. I suppressed my growl. He would be the first to die.

"We should mount him. Take his head back and hang it on the wall," the largest one stated in Spanish. The others laughed harshly.

"Oh, yeah. That's perfect, Jose. It would prove we got him, and he could spend the rest of eternity watching us."

"Carlos has strict orders," barked out the long haired one that held Jasper's arm in an agonizing twist. Jasper was struggling, but there was nothing he could do on his own to get out of their grasps. "We destroy all of him."

"No," argued the small one, who must have been in charge, "no we don't. I want proof. If Carlos burns the head after we give it to him, fine, but I want everyone to know who we got."

I had to silence my cries as visions pounded at my mind. The visions flashed furiously, showing me various futures, and none of them was good. They were going to force Jasper down and remove his head. He would fight, but he couldn't win. The fire would consume him.

I was almost to the group, but I was forced to pause for the visions to pass. My rage redoubled as my frustration mounted. How could I save him if the visions wouldn't relent? Would it be my _gift_ that cost him his life?

I was so close that had I growled they would have heard me. I swallowed back the swelling fear and growing anger at the visions, and crouched to attack. There was no way out, but I would try. I stepped twice, silently approaching the back of the small male whom I would kill. They were slowly pulling Jasper down, his body fighting them and menacing growls and groans coming from his writhing figure.

For just a moment, the visions shifted, and that small moment was enough. I sprang up, but before I could exit the earth more than an inch, my mind showed me the reason for the shift in the visions, I was being grabbed from behind by another. My arms flew up to stop the grasping arms that surrounded me, but it was too late.

I found my arms crushed against my ribs in the unbreakable grasp of what had to be a newborn.

I roared in my rage as I tried to squirm out of his tightening grasp, but the roar ended in a gurgle as he continued to crush me. I felt my arms and ribs begin to compress to the point of fracture, and a sharp pain radiated out from my midsection.

"Be good," whispered my captor with another constriction. "Be good or I crush you right now." I stopped moving to show that I understood.

In front of me, I heard a loud cry followed by a curse and a ferocious roar. I saw Jasper thrashing wildly, rage flowing from him with every move. The pressure on my midsection eased, and I was able to turn slightly to see him.

He was fighting against the other's arms, but was unable to move. His legs kicked and his body twisted and contorted, but there was no way to escape their grasp. His eyes met mine, and I saw a wild fury, desperate and pained. I shook my head at him to make him stop, but he continued the impossible fight anyway.

The movement was enough to tip the newborn off. His arms immediately tightened around me, and I whimpered at the searing pain.

"Stop or I end her now." The newborn shouted at Jasper. The words were full of menace.

Jasper stopped fighting instantly, and the pain eased just a bit. He had already done some damage to my left arm, because it was strangely numb.

The small one nodded to his comrades, and they forced Jasper's arms sharply behind him, and grabbed him across the shoulders and neck from behind. Then the small one released Jasper and stepped lightly over to me.

"Well, well. Who are you little one?" He reached up and touched my cheek lightly with a finger before pulling his hand back and striking me hard across the face.

I heard Jasper's enraged cry strangle off behind the small man who now blocked my entire vision. He came nearer until his face nearly touched mine and took a deep breath.

"Hmm, you have quite a unique mixture to your scent. Your scent is of flowers, yet the smell on you is of the city." He took another breath and purred in perverse satisfaction, "Ah yes, the smells of New York are still thick on you. We have caught a coven member."

My white hot rage turned to ice.

"We can use her," laughed the newborn behind me. "Do we use her to get into the city or take her back to Carlos?"

The small one traced his finger slowly down my face. I tried to pull away, but I had no where to turn my head.

"What do you say, little one? Will you help us, or shall I destroy you slowly? I _will_ get the information I need." I could hear Jasper struggling behind him.

"Why don't we just take her to Carlos? We've come a long way south, so he would only be a few hours away," said the voice behind me. I stayed still, and his arms eased their grip a fraction.

"We have orders," growled the long haired one. "No one survives. Destroy any that we come across."

"Shut up! I am in command, and I say we get all the information we can first. I have a feeling that they will tell us everything we need to know," Small One said in satisfaction.

"They?"

"Oh, yes. They will tell us all we need to know, and perhaps more, if we ask just _right_," the last word was a growl.

He turned to the side, letting Jasper's and my eyes lock on each other. Jasper's face was horrified. Small One laughed and rubbed his hands together.

"She doesn't know anything," Jasper tried to choke out the rasping words against the arm that was crushing his neck. My fear and anger rose strong in me again.

"I disagree. Besides, it's not what she knows as much as who she is and what she is to you." He pulled his thin lips across his teeth in a snarling smile. "Yes, all the information we need is right here, and we will get it one way or another." His cold eyes turned back to me. "Hold them tightly," he ordered, and then turned away, whistling.

The one holding me shifted uneasily. "I hate this," he whispered.

"You'll get used to it soon enough," said Long Hair. He tightened his twist on Jasper's arm, and I watched him grimace in pain. "I for one will enjoy watching him burn slowly."

"I want to watch him see _her_ burn," said the Spanish speaking one. Jasper growled at him.

My stomach twisted under the pressure of the newborn's arms. I had to find a way out, but my visions would not come.

"But she is so little," moaned the newborn, and I felt a strong wave of emotion flow through me. Perhaps it was compassion. The newborn shifted, and I could tell he felt it too.

"Jose, this isn't necessary. She won't be a problem, we don't need to do this," the newborn hissed in response to the feeling. A second wave of emotion hit, so strong that it held my fear at bay for a moment. I closed my eyes, both to calm me and to focus my mind. The fire raged through again. The vision of it was shifting and changing, but always there. I tried to pull back, to see who was in it and how we got there. Two quick shots gave me a flicker of hope. First, I saw the newborn's face in the flames, second, I saw the newborn shift me to the side. If he did that, I would be able to possibly slip away from his unbreakable grasp.

I heard multiple thuds as branches hit the ground to my left. I didn't open my eyes. I felt another wave of pity hit me, and the newborn shifted again.

"Jose, I need the flask," called Small One, and then I heard the whoosh of flames.

Another wave of compassion or perhaps pity roared through me, this time mixed with fear.

And then I knew. It was coming from Jasper.

I looked over to him and his eyes pleaded with me to understand something. Pity, compassion, fear all washed through me again.

"Pull him down," barked Small One. Jasper struggled to keep his feet, but the little one aided the others and forced him down on his knees. I went numb. Jasper looked to me again, and the emotions tumbled down.

I understood.

"Please, don't," I begged. And Small One was instantly by my side.

"What will you give me?"

"Anything you want, but please don't hurt us," I begged again, letting my very real fear cause my voice to waver. The newborn's grip loosened again.

"I want New York," he growled

I was searching my visions, trying to live between the world of the present and the world of the possible future. Small One noticed my hesitation and grabbed my hair to yank my face up. "I don't think you realize what I will take from you. I will not stop until I have the city in my grasp. I will watch you die for hours and enjoy it. Do you understand?"

I could feel the uncertainty of the man who held me in his vice-like grip. He was shifting constantly, but his grip did not waver yet. I had to use his weakness.

"New York isn't mine to give, but—" a hand struck me hard across the face again. Jasper's strangled growl ripped through me.

"Then you have nothing that I need," he said easily and walked back over to Jasper's kneeling form. "Where shall we begin?" He began pulling Jasper's hair back and examining his face and head. He was going to rip off Jasper's ear.

"I am not the leader of the coven," I called out quickly between the rush of panic and visions that were now pouring into my head. It would happen soon. Either escape or death was just a moment away.

Small One looked up along with Long Hair.

"I'm not the leader, but I know how to get in." I tried to sound defeated, as if I had given up and was holding some great secret.

Small One looked between Jasper and I and smiled wickedly. "Perhaps I am going about this all wrong," he said as he rubbed his hands together again. He walked over to me. My visions showed me again that the newborn would shift me. When my eyes saw again, Small One was inches from my face.

"What of you Jasper? What are you willing to give me?" Pity and fear roared through me. Small One grasped my hand and began to bend back my pinky very slowly. "Or better yet, what are you willing to have her lose." I gasped and tried uselessly to pull my hand away as I realized what he was doing.

"Anything," Jasper groaned in desperation.

"I need the leader, the one who sees the future. That one stopped us years ago, and continues to thwart us still. I am here to find and kill him." Panic rose and twisted within me.

"It's the Chinese one. He's the one you want, but he is well protected and lethal," Jasper croaked against the pressure on his neck.

Small One grasped two more fingers and pulled back hard. I moaned at the pain as small cracks formed and spread along my hand. Fear and pity flowed at me like a flood, and at that moment, the newborn shifted me away and into one arm, as if to protect me. It was so fast that I wouldn't have been able to use it if I hadn't been warned of it.

As the newborn began to shift me, I executed a sharp twist and kicked with my legs, breaking out of the newborn's grasp, and pulling my hand out of Small One's grip. Roars of rage rose from the group as I pushed off the newborn and launched myself over Small One and onto his back.

The newborn was stunned and did not react at first, and in that moment, I sank my teeth into Small One's neck and began to twist as hard as I could. His hands fought back, punching my arms and then locking his own hands over mine to stop the removal of his head.

He whirled me around to face the newborn, and I saw the newborn's strike an instant before it connected. I had barely enough time to lean my whole body back and duck. The newborn's fist slammed into Small One's head rather than me.

As I heard the loud crack, my mind focused only on Jasper. Long Hair was going to pull off his head in just a second. I rushed at him, leaping over Jasper's bent form and grabbing Long Hair's black locks as I passed. I let the momentum of my jump pull Long Hair away from Jasper. He released Jasper's arm, but still held his head in a choke-hold_._ I fell back with the mass of black hair still in my hands, pulling Long Hair and Jasper down with me.

Long Hair roared in anger and grabbed my arm with his free hand. But he was now off balance and spread between Jasper and I. Jasper began hitting him in the face with his free hand, but Long Hair's arm was still around his neck, and the one called Jose was pulling him the opposite way, trying to wrench his body away from his neck. I had no time to go for the kill, and instead grabbed Long Hair's arm, and wrenched it off of Jasper's neck with a roar. Jasper was instantly in battle with Jose as Long Hair twisted in my arms and wildly grabbed at me. My shirt ripped as his hands missed me by a fraction of an inch. I danced around him, trying to pull him off balance with his hair while he pulled me into him with one arm and tried to strike me with the other. I heard the sickening shriek and crack of dismemberment, but I could not see who had been torn.

Strong arms reached under my struggling arms, and encircled my chest. "Rip her," Short One roared in my ear as he pulled me back. Long Hair began to pull the arm he still held. I kicked at Long Hair, but my legs were too short to reach his body. I felt the rock of my arm strain and screamed in pain and rage.

With a lurch, I tumbled back into Small One. I turned to look at my still intact left arm in wonder. I could feel the fissures along my shoulder heal as I saw beyond my hand the figures of Jasper and Long Hair wrestling each other. I tried to leap to Jasper's aid, but the arms around me prevented it. Small One tried to loop his legs around mine, but my vision gave me enough warning to pull my legs up and over my body. _ Position One_, I thought wryly.

He tried to pull me over, forcing me under him, but I locked my legs out wide and prevented the turn. Then I began smashing the back of my head into his face as quickly as I could. The rapid hits sounded like machine gun fire, which gave me great pleasure. Small One yelled in pain and frustration and released me. I jumped into a crouch to prepare for the oncoming attack. His face was smashed, and he wavered as he took a wide stance for his crouch. I dove under him easily and then leapt onto his back in my favorite kill position. With a shout of victory, I twisted off his head and threw it into the now raging fire. I left his writhing body and turned to find Jasper.

Both Long Hair and the newborn were on him. Jasper had Long Hair in a headlock, and was fending off the newborn's sloppy attacks with his free hand. Long Hair was pummeling Jasper with body blows to try and break the hold around his neck. I watched in terror as the newborn grasped Jasper's arm, wrenched it behind him, and punched hard at his back. The crack was deafening. I could see the crack through his shirt as his left arm was almost separated from his body. Jasper's scream cut me in two.

I was on the large newborn before I knew what was happening. I jumped on his shoulders and plunged my fingers into his eyes. The orbs hit the ground like rocks as the newborn shrieked in agony. I gripped his massive neck and began to twist and yank, but this one was huge and his thick neck would not snap. He arched back and fell, driving me into the ground. I redoubled my efforts to remove his head, bringing my knees onto his shoulders to enlist the help of my leg muscles. He rolled over, and rose to his knees as he reached back for massive hands gripped my upper arms in a painful vice, but the visions told me to hold on tighter, so I curled around the eyeless head as tightly as I could.

With his massive strength, he yanked at me, and pulled his own head off.

I hit the ground and rolled with the head once before tossing it into the flames. The newborn' body fell to the ground, wriggling and thrashing as it sought its head.

I whirled around to find Jasper struggling with Long Hair with one hand. His left arm hung limply at his side. I rushed to him, grabbed Long Hair's right arm, and snapped it off. Long Hair arched his back and screamed, but the scream was cut off immediately by the crack of his head coming off into Jasper's good arm.

Jasper stood on wavering legs and looked at me with eyes wild with pain and worry. His shirt was completely off, revealing the long crack that fissured from his collarbone almost to his hip. As his arm swung, the crack would widen and move. Without thinking, I was at his side with my arms wrapped around him to hold his arm and shoulder in place.

"Jasper…" I croaked. It was all I could get out. The relief of touching him and knowing that he was alive was almost too much for me. I felt his good arm go around me and pull me into him tightly.

"Dear God, I thought I lost you," he moaned hoarsely. I felt his body bend to encircle mine, but his left arm would not move with the rest of his body. He buried his face in my hair, and with sweet breath continued to moan. "What if I had lost you? What if I had lost you?"

I could not respond, I just held on to him until a rustling at my feet reminded me of our unfinished, grisly task. "The bodies," I said, and he released me.

I numbly broke apart and gathered the bodies of our attackers and threw them into the pyre that had been built for us. When it was done, I stood back and saw the fire of my visions. The reality of what I had been through for the last 30 hours hit me like a fist. I had seen it all. Jasper had run. I had called after him. The fire was for him, and me, and them. It had all been true. And it had all happened _because_ of my visions. I had nearly killed him because of my uncertain, lying, and _evil_ visions. I choked back a sob.

He was by my side instantly. His hand went under my chin, lifting my face to look into his. His face was twisted in pain and concern. I ran my hand up his bare arm and realized he had used his shredded shirt to tie his torn arm to his body. I looked at the jagged crack and felt an overwhelming horror rising within me.

"I'm so sorry."

"Sorry for what, Alice? I don't understand."

I looked away from the concern in his face. He tried to turn my head and meet my eyes again, but I refused. I couldn't stand to look at him. Not now.

"Alice!" He shook me in desperation. "Alice, what are you talking about? This didn't happen because of you. These men have been my enemies for decades. They found me because _I_ was foolish. Do you hear me? This is my fault. I should have been more careful. I nearly _killed_ you in my stupidity. Damn it! Stop shaking your head and _look_ at me. Alice!"

I was trembling now. All the anger, all the self-reproach swelled in me, shaken from their deep places by the rising terror that I could not name.

"It was me. My fault. Mine. It is always my fault. I could see you run, and it scared me. And I saw the flames but they kept changing and I didn't know what to do. I'm so sorry Jasper. I can't control them, they control me. I did this. It was me." The shaking became so strong that I couldn't stop it.

His arm went around me, pulling me into him as waves of calm and peace rolled into me so strong that they held back the terror just a little. I latched onto the peace and onto the man with all my strength. I pulled myself into him, trying to reach the source of the emotions that kept the horror away. I could hear him mumbling my name over and over. I felt the first rays of the sun hit me, and I opened my eyes to see the rising sun turn him into a breathtaking rainbow of color and light. I gasped at the sheer beauty of it, and the truth tumbled out into the light.

"I can see the future, but I can't control it. I can't control anything. It hurts. The visions hurt. They sometimes make things happen that shouldn't happen. I can see the future, but it doesn't help. Don't you understand? It doesn't work right. It is wrong, all wrong. I'm all wrong."

"Hold onto me, Alice," Jasper's rough voice commanded. My arms obeyed and reached themselves around his neck. I was off the ground and moving quickly in the stone circle of his arm. Waves of calm weren't enough now, though. Not even here in his arms. The terror rose to the surface and I could no longer hold it back.

He ran with me for a time that I could not measure. When he stopped, he sat on the ground in a shaded spot and pulled me into his lap. He wrapped himself around me, pulling his leg up so that I was encircled by him. But it was wrong. It would always be wrong. It was wrong because I was broken and evil. The visions proved it.

"Alice, Alice, listen to me. You are perfect, and you are more than anything I could have even imagined. You are so _good,_" he said into my hair as he pulled me even closer.

The terror rose in me until it found my voice. I couldn't stop it any more. His calming peace couldn't hold back its force, though I could feel him trying.

"No. No, it's wrong. It's all wrong. You will leave me for it, because it's wrong. Everyone leaves me. You will too. But I don't want you to leave. I can't survive that again. Not again. Jasper please. I love you, please, I love you so much. Please don't take me there, please, please, please. I'll be good now. I promise. Please," I was screaming through my tearless sobs.

"I'll be good, I promise," I screamed as the nameless terror took hold.

_Jasper_

I wrapped her in my good arm trying to give her some measure of peace. I had no idea what was happening, but I had to try to stop it. The terror in her was very real, though I couldn't understand its source. We had won. Against all odds we had survived, and we should have been celebrating that fact. Instead, she was trembling violently in my arm. I cursed the monsters that had attacked us and rendered my left arm useless.

She grabbed onto me tightly, as if he very life depended on it. Her touch sent her crippling fear through me in piercing waves. They were so virulent that I nearly moaned. Normally, I would have run, would have sought the safety that only distance provides to one like me. But I would not leave her. Not again. That had caused more pain than I could ever endure again. I bent over her shaking form and kissed her head.

"Alice, Don't worry, beloved. I'm here, Alice. I'm here. Shhh…" I said it over and over, trying to ease her pain, but the fear continued to well in her against my best efforts.

She buried her face into my chest. I heard her small gasp as the sunlight hit us, and, as if the light had triggered her, a rush of words came out that made little sense, but which carried with them tremendous guilt and self-hatred.

"I can see the future, but I can't control it. It hurts. The visions hurt. They sometimes make things happen that shouldn't happen. I can see the future, but it doesn't help. Don't you understand? It doesn't work right. It is wrong, all wrong." The words only made her emotional state worse. I needed to get her out of here and away from the scene of our battle. I needed to take her someplace calm and quiet where I could try to heal her. I remembered passing an old stone barn whose roof still partially stood.

"Hold on to me, Alice," I said gently into her hair. Her arms immediately reached around my neck, and I pulled her into my good arm. She was so close to the unnamed terror now that her emotions tore through me, and my step slowed as I tried to deal with the horrific waves.

After what seemed like forever, I was able to lean against the old, mossy stone inside the barn and pull her into my lap. I wrapped myself around her as much as I could, encircling her as if to physically block what was happening. Her terror was causing me to panic. What if I could not stop this? What if I could not heal her? I began to rock her shaking form as she continued to sob.

"Alice, Alice, listen to me. You are perfect, and you are more than anything I could have even imagined. You are so _good_," I said softly as I rocked her. I pulled her tight, so tight I was afraid I was crushing her, but I had to. Regardless of the pain, I had to hold her.

"No. No, it's wrong. It's all wrong. You will leave me for it, because it's wrong. Everyone leaves me. You will too. But I don't want you to leave. I can't survive that again. Not again. Jasper please. I love you, please, I love you so much. Please don't take me there, please, please, please. I'll be good now. I promise. Please," she was yelling, pleading, tearing apart from the inside, and I had no idea why.

"I'll be good, I promise," she screamed as the nameless terror took hold and wracked her body and mind.

I had never felt such painful emotion coming from another of my kind. I knew of it. I had felt it often from the feeding raids, and I hated it because it lacerated the very fiber of my mind. It was the worst thing I could be forced to feel – an emotion only the worst monsters created. The cry that came from Alice was drenched in the bone chilling fear of a terrified child. Her scream was the scream of an innocent, wounded and broken little girl. It burned me from within, and I felt my body convulse around her as I felt her pain and tried to take it from her.

I have no idea how long I cradled her. She trembled in my arms, begging me not to leave while I rocked her and told her over and over that I wouldn't ever leave her. The sun was long set before the emotional barrage coming from Alice shifted. I had never in all my years felt so tired. Not physically, though my shoulder ached terribly from the injury, but I had drained myself, pouring all I had into her while my mind tried to make sense of what was happening.

It was fear, raw and potent. It was pain, the cutting pain of loss. It was crushing guilt, though I didn't know what for. And it had been locked into her sometime when she was young.

Her tremors stilled and the sobs became whimpers. I could feel her try to control the ebbing terror, though it still had the upper hand. It had been an hour or so since I had spoken last, so I tried again.

"Beloved," I kissed her short hair as I whispered the words. "Alice, beloved, I'm here and I won't leave. You are safe and I will not leave you. Never."

The words finally reached her, and I felt her still. It was a blessed relief. I repeated them twice and finally felt her pull back, just a bit. I looked into her wide, honey eyes and managed a small smile.

"What did you call me?" she asked, her voice the merest whisper.

"Beloved."

She shook her head. I leaned in and kissed her perfect forehead, and she stopped at once.

"Beloved," I breathed again.

"Don't... you shouldn't... I'm not... I'm broken." She tried to push away as she spoke the halting words, but I would not let her. The terror was still present, but it was no longer in control.

"You are my beloved, and there is nothing you can do about it. I cannot leave you, and no one can make me. Not even you."

"You don't understand. My visions, they're bad. They caused this," she said hoarsely as she touched my broken shoulder. The strange mixture of terror and self-loathing filled her again.

"_I _caused this. I fought against those men when I was with Maria. Their coven leader, Carlos, is my sworn enemy. I was careless, and that nearly got us both killed. They nearly killed you," my own body trembled at the thought, and my voice broke as I continued. "I nearly lost you, and it was _my_ fault."

I took a few breaths to steady myself. "I don't know how to love, Alice. I destroyed that part of myself to survive. I had to, but you have brought life back to me. I was dead before you came, and now I _feel_ again. I feel _alive_ for the first time since my change. Do _you_ understand? You have given me life and hope when I had completely lost both. I can't leave you. I won't. I don't know how to love you, but I won't stop trying to find the way. If it takes all eternity, I will find a way to love you like you deserve. If... if you'll have me."

I looked into her lovely face, and saw an unfathomable expression. Her emotions were a jumbled mix, so complex that I could no longer discern one from another.

"'If I'll have you?'" She cocked her head to the side as she whispered my words back to me. "When I woke and saw the sun and the trees, I knew nothing. And I was alone, so _very_ alone. As soon as I began to recall words, to know the names of things, I saw you. You were the first thing that my mind saw. Your face was the only anchor I had to a world I didn't understand. Before I knew my own name, _I knew you_. And I have _loved_ you. Jasper, I have wanted you, longed for you, for twenty-eight years. _ If_ I'll have you? I have been yours since I took my first breath. I have always been yours."

And with those quiet words, she shattered my world.

* * *

So there you have it.

We will go deeper into their needs and fears later, but at least they both know each other's secret. Now these two incredible, gifted, and broken immortals can begin the journey of an eternity. Of course, they have a lot to learn yet.

If you are wondering... the words Alice was screaming are the same ones she screamed in Chapter 1 of Singularity when her parents took her to the asylum. The little girl is still there and needs to be healed.

So, what do you think? Is this beginning to answer the great Twilight question of why Jasper and Alice are connected so deeply? I look forward to your comments.

To read is human, to review is divine.

**Author suggestion**: 4stringqueen has a very original and very well written fic called Legend of Green Eyes. Rated T for terrific. Check it out!


	8. Chapter 8: The Giving

**You guys don't know my beta, but she is a true trooper and terrific friend! Thanks a bunch Remylebeauishot for being here and challenging me!! **

Thanks to all you readers who have taken the time to contact me and spur me on to better writing. Sorry this is later than I promised, but it needed to be better than it was. I love you guys!! I read and take to heart every review out there!

The original characters and plot line belong to Stephenie Meyer to whom we all owe so much. I own the original characters and plot and a broken oven. Did you know you _can _bake bread in a crock pot?

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_**Jasper**_

Her words echoed in my mind and sealed themselves in my memory forever.

"I've always loved you." It was spoken so softly, so brokenly that it tore at me. I had to be sure I had heard her. I had to be sure the words matched the emotions, even though I already knew that they would.

I gently tugged at her chin, "Look at me, beloved." She looked up with wide eyes, and the feeling that I was somehow touching the innocence of a child rose again. "Please, please Alice, say that again." She looked away immediately, as if in shame. I leaned forward again, ignoring the intense surge of raw emotion as my skin touched hers. I kissed her head again, brushing back and forth with my lips as I somehow forced my own ragged emotions to send out only peace.

"Please look at me. I need to see your eyes." I breathed the words into her hair and willed her to know that I would not, could not, hurt her. There was no reason for shame.

She took two halting breaths and moved to look at me. She was trembling slightly as I held her, but her eyes were steady and soft as she repeated the very words I needed to hear.

"I can see the future, but it doesn't always work right. In fact, it usually causes me pain." She paused and took a third, shaky breath. "I saw the sun and the trees, and then I saw you. Without your face, I would have been totally alone. You were hazy in the vision, but I knew I loved you even then. I knew I loved you before I even knew my own name. Loving you is the first thing I remember ever doing, and I have loved you since then."

The memory triggered the emotion, and I nearly swooned from the power of the love she sent me. It was so much stronger, as if the confession had freed it. Her love coursed through me, warm and delicious. It was so pure that it flashed a dozen colors, so perfect and pure that they caused me to gasp.

"It's beautiful!"

She mistook my reaction, and struggled to pull away from me. I could not allow that, and I pulled her even closer. She pushed against me, but not hard, as I pinned her to my chest.

"No, Jasper. It's not. Let go of me."

I laughed despite the obvious error of it. "It_ is_ beautiful. Your love is the most beautiful thing I have ever felt. It even _tastes_ good to me. It's brilliant; it has the most incredible hues." I snuggled close to her, willing myself to send her something as beautiful as she sent me, but I could not find the feeling within me.

Her emotions stilled, and then rose again as anxiety, fear, and concern -- if I read them right.

I opened my arm and she pulled away as her head snapped up to look at me in confusion. Of course she was confused; I had used my gift without telling her of it. I had been unfair and mistrusting, and it was now time for my own confession. The reality of just how unfair I had been chilled me; I had nearly lost her in my unjustified anger.

I smiled to show that I wasn't angry with her because I was so angry with myself that I knew the emotion would be radiating from me. I could tell from her face that she was confused by the rapid onslaught of emotions radiating from me despite my best efforts to stop them.

"I'm not angry with you, my love. I'm angry with myself. I'm not insane either, in case you are worried about that." She stiffened at the bitter sarcasm in my remark.

"Usually I'm more worried about myself when it comes to sanity," she said with an unhappy smile, but the fear and anxiety were easing little by little.

"I have been very unfair to you, and I am truly sorry. I am also gifted, and it is a very strong but subtle gift. I can sense and alter moods and emotions. It's not a gift that many expect, and I use that to my advantage. I use it every day and in everything I do, and no one knows. I should have –"

Her fingers on my lips silenced me.

"I know," she said. "You have been using it help me. You used emotions to stop them from hurting me. It took me a while, but I figured you out." The last sentence was said with a small but genuine smile. "Thank you."

Guilt washed over me, and I tried to keep it from spilling into her. I could barely look into her eyes, but I needed her to know what I had done. I needed her to forgive me for it. "I was angry with you because you wouldn't tell me of your gift. It was hypocritical and wrong of me. I ran off and led you into a death trap because I was angry, and yet I was doing the very _same_ thing. I nearly condemned you to die for the same sins I was committing. I am so very sorry." My words started so strongly, but the last few were broken whispers. Ivan's accusation rang through me. _Was I man enough?_

"So it _was_ my visions that drove you away." She nodded with a crushed look on her beautiful face.

"No, beloved, no. It wasn't you." She would not stop nodding, and a wave of deep sorrow swelled within her.

"Yes it was. Don't you see? My visions come without warning or explanation. The visions sometimes cause their own outcome. I saw you running before we even met, and it scared me so much that I couldn't tell you. Every time I tried to see a way to let you know about my gift, I saw you run and heard myself calling after you. And that is what happened. That is exactly what happened _because_ I saw the visions. I made you run because I was trying to stop you from running." Her voice was almost toneless, except for a harsh snap to it that matched the self-loathing that radiated from her.

I needed to stop her from hating both herself and her incredible gift, but nothing I was doing was helping. I tried to quickly think of another tactic. I was good at tactics. I tried to think of a thousand different ways to make her see that she was not at fault, and I finally decided upon the truth. As much as it exposed me as the monster I was, it was the best way to make her understand that I did not blame her.

I shifted her in my arm and cursed the slowly healing one that still hung limp at my side. I let her sit on my thigh, so that I could still hold her and also look at her. She was utterly endearing perched on my leg.

"Alice, you lied to protect a gift that every vampire coven in the world would imprison or destroy you for. You lied out of fear. I lied because it is what I am. I lied because it is a habit that is so ingrained in me that I no longer know the truth. I lied and then I became angry at you for doing so." I shook my head and tried to calm the inner rage that I felt towards myself. "I have been lied to so many times by so many people that I cannot tolerate the feel of them. That is why I reacted the way I did. You had every right to hide such an incredible gift from me. I am not trustworthy enough. I ran..." I paused to brace myself for the truth I hated. "I ran because I am not worthy of one such as you. I am not the kind of man you deserve."

Silence fell between us, so deep that I drowned in it. The only thing that kept me afloat in the hateful stillness was her eyes. A small flicker of life returned to them before she looked away from me and stared at my split shoulder for the first time.

"Your hurt," she said, and then she placed her hand gently over the burning crack. Compassion and concern flowed through her hand and into me, and I winced at the emotions I didn't deserve.

She jerked her hand away and mumbled a quick, "Sorry."

I took the hand and held it to the fissure. "It's not your hand that hurt," I said with a sad smile. So long as I was being truthful, I might as well help her understand all of the ramifications of my gift. I had nothing left to lose or protect, except for her.

Her hand began to gently stroke the crack as I began to speak. "I told you that my father and grandfather could convince almost anyone of anything. I was even better than they were. I don't remember much anymore, but I know I could make people do what I wanted, even as a child. I know because it is why I went to war when I did. I was very young, but I could lead men because I could bend them to my will. I was good at winning battles. Too good at it, and I didn't care about what happened to my men. All I craved was the glory of victory. I craved it until I finally saw what my desire for glory had done to the boys in my charge, but by then it was too late. I _tried _to become the great leader that I had dreamt of becoming. I don't know how long I actually led my men as a good leader should, but soon after I finally understood what a true leader should be, the Battle of Galveston began, and I was changed.

"I never became the leader I saw myself as. I don't even know if that man could have ever existed or if I had the strength within me to become him." Her hand moved to my arm and shoulder, gently rubbing as if to erase the stain of my past.

"When I awoke, my gift was manifested a thousand fold. I could sense others simply by their moods and emotions. I would feel what others felt, and I could project any emotion that I needed to. The gift, along with my natural ability as a soldier, made me almost invincible on the battlefield, and I have done the most inhumane and evil things you could have ever imagined. I became the embodiment of evil; the monster of every human's darkest nightmare.

"But I wasn't invincible. I could not exist as a monster and continue to feel as a person. To exist at all, I had to kill the very man I had longed to become. I have spent eighty years destroying every human trait I had so that I could exist in this endless death. It was the only way I could live.

"And then you came…" but I could not continue.

"I cause you pain?" The question was weighted heavily in sadness.

"No. No, you have given me life. More than life, you have given me _everything_. But I'm not ready. I destroyed myself, tearing the man out and killing him so that I couldn't feel pain. So that I couldn't feel anything. It was the only way I could survive. It is… hard to explain…but you made me feel again and the emotions are… painfully raw. When you touch me, I feel them much more strongly. It is my weakness, Alice, not your gift that caused me to run. It is my weakness that causes me pain. You have done _nothing_ wrong. This isn't your fault."

She removed her hand, and looked at me sadly. I wanted to make her eyes smile, I wanted to take the sadness away and give her joy. I wanted to heal her, but I had no idea of how.

"Then why do I feel like it is?" she asked sadly.

"I don't know," I answered helplessly as the crushing guilt rose in both of us. I took her hand again. It was masochistic, but I simply needed to touch her. Our guilt and sadness flowed together.

"I don't want to hurt you," she said as I pulled her hand to me.

"_You_ don't hurt me. I thought I was going to watch you be ripped apart and slowly burned. This is nothing compared to that," I told her truthfully.

I rubbed her hand, and she slowly lifted the other to touch my face. Her eyes lit up as she traced my hairline and weaved her fingers through the maze of my scars. I loved seeing her like this. She looked as if she was seeing something beautiful for the very first time, and her face shone in wonder. It was another thing I didn't deserve. I was the farthest thing from beautiful that our kind had.

"Alice, when you were so scared after the fight, what were you so afraid of?" I was pushing her, but I could not help her heal until I knew what the problem was.

"I was afraid you were going to leave me. I was afraid of being alone."

"I cannot leave you, beloved." I willed her to understand that.

"I like that word," she said with a small smile. But my words only assuaged the fear, they did not drive it away.

"'Beloved?' I have never used it before now, but it is the best word I have to describe you."

"Good."

I nearly laughed at her blunt statement.

"You asked me not to take you somewhere. I didn't understand. Where were you afraid I would take you? Was this fear from your past?"

She removed her hand from tracing my face and touched her forehead with her fingers. "Black pit for a memory," she said tapping her head. "I have no idea what I was afraid of. The fear just overwhelmed me and took over. I was afraid of being alone. And I was afraid of the dark or... of blackness? It's strange because I can see as well in the dark as during the day. It was just _pure_ fear." She trembled a bit at the memory.

She had no idea what had happened, but I knew a child's terror when I felt it. I decided not to mention what kind of fear it was because doing so wouldn't help. However, the overwhelming urge to rip apart whoever had hurt her surged through me. Of course I knew they might already be dead, but the need to do violence was still very real. I wondered again at her human age when she was changed nearly three decades ago.

Three decades.

"Twenty-eight years," I mumbled aloud as my mind began to grasp the magnitude of her statement.

"Why are you worried about my age?"

"You said you loved me since you awoke. You loved me since you first saw my face. That was twenty-eight years ago." I could barely register that fact. I had only known Alice for seven days now, and the emotions were enough to wreak havoc upon me. She had waited twenty-eight years to find me, and I had run from her. She had waited for something as broken and monstrous as me, and I had hurt her. It wasn't fair. It was the cruelest of jokes, and I wanted to curse fate for what it had done to her.

"Why do you look sad?" she asked as she tilted her head.

"I can't imagine waiting for so long. I can't understand why you didn't just give up and find someone else. I wouldn't have blamed you."

"I never even considered it, not even when the others tried to set me up with someone. I loved you. I have always loved you. It was as certain as the sunrise. Believe me, it wasn't easy to wait. It nearly drove me mad not knowing where you were. I used the visions to see you whenever I could. I knew we would meet in a diner, but I didn't know when or where that was. I spent years trying to find that wonderful, stupid place." She screwed her face up in mock frustration, and her expression made me laugh.

"When you said, 'You've kept me waiting a long time,' I had no idea of what you meant."

"I wasn't kidding," she smiled again. "You kept me waiting a long, _long _time."

"I'm not worthy of the wait." The bitter words slipped out before my normally careful mind could stop them. What she had already sacrificed for me far outweighed anything I could do for her.

"That really doesn't matter."

"Doesn't it? You waited for a monster. I think that matters very much." I snapped the words out harsher than I intended, and immediately regretted them. Sadness and fear redoubled in her at my bitter statement.

"It didn't matter when you fought for Maria. It didn't matter when you killed the newborns because they were no longer useful. It doesn't matter now. It doesn't matter because you aren't that monster. You aren't, and I know it." Anger joined the fear. She was willing to fight me on this point, and I would have fought back if her words hadn't finally fully registered.

"You saw that? You _saw_ what I did and still are willing to touch me?"

She said nothing, but rather raised her hand and traced the deepest of my scars.

"What else did you see?" I whispered as the last of my barriers began to collapse.

She looked away and trembled again. Fear, shame, and pain.

"I'm sorry, beloved. I should not have asked." I waited, hoping she would look at me.

"Everything."

I closed my eyes and tried to grasp what she knew. She had loved me despite knowing about me. She had waited and searched even though there was nothing but evil at the end of it. Had she even known about…

"Maria?" I gasped hoarsely.

She nodded, looking at the ground. For the first time today, I was glad I couldn't see her eyes.

"Dear God," I moaned. "I am so sorry. She was my maker, and… my lover, but she meant _nothing_ to me. If I had only known. Alice, if I had known you existed I would have never – I'm _so_ sorry."

I thought she would turn from me completely. I thought she would leap up and walk away. It's what she should have done, but instead, she leaned into my chest and laid her head against my good shoulder. I didn't realize until she laid her head against me how much my skin needed her.

"I know," she said in the same broken tone as I had.

I wrapped my good arm around her and held her tighter than I had any right to. Her emotions flooded me again, almost too powerful to endure, but I would not lessen my hold. I would be strong enough. I had to be.

"Let me tell you about my life _truthfully_ this time. It is a much different tale when it is told truthfully. You need to hear what my visions have done for me, to me, and to those I love." She was worried, and I sent a strong wave of peace to help, if it could.

She took two long breaths. "You were the first vision. You are the most important one. My next visions told me where to find humans, and I gorged myself with the knowledge they gave me. I told you about the school. I nearly killed every child in that school, but I could see what would happen if I did. I can always see what should have been and then what will be with those I killed. It was too much, to see their lives as they should be and then see the pain I caused. Every time I killed, it was like I died with them. I saw a vision of two of our kind hunting deer, and that gave me the knowledge I needed to survive without killing humans.

"I can get a vision any time. Usually, I can look to see what I want, though the vision may not come. That's how I know about the stock market. Sometimes, like when I fight, the visions tell me what is happening next, and I can use that knowledge to fight. But sometimes -- a lot of the time -- the visions hinder me rather than help me. And sometimes they nearly get me killed.

"This time, they nearly killed you."

She paused, and I pressed.

"That's how you found me last night? Your visions?" Her head nodded against my shoulder, but she didn't speak. "I would have been destroyed, or worse, if you hadn't come. You saved me, Alice. In every way, you have saved me."

"No. The visions kept coming when I was trying to reach you. They were so strong, and I couldn't see past them. I had to stop over and over again until they passed, and I was almost too late because of them."

"Alice—"

"Let me finish. I told you I went to Europe. I went there when I saw you and Maria. It was the day Peter left you. I saw you love her, and I thought she was your mate. I ran to Europe to join my friends, and I went mad for a while. I had to hide inside a mask, a shell that covered me so that I couldn't be hurt. I ran for four years until I finally broke. Annette helped me see the truth, but it nearly destroyed me. I couldn't be hurt like that again. When I saw you run in my visions, it brought back all the pain and madness. I have waited and hurt for so long that seeing you run was unendurable. Because of the pain that the visions caused, I never told you of my gift, if that is what it is. My visions ruin my life so much that they don't seem like much of a present."

"They are the greatest present I have ever received," I countered as I hugged her tighter. "Alice, why don't you see my scars and my ugliness?"

She shrugged but didn't move. "There must be a reason. Everyone of our kind sees them first. They see the destruction and understand the danger before I even get close. Why don't you see them?" I pushed. Her hand traced the bite marks on my chest slowly, and her fingers were heaven against the pain and fear I fought to keep from us both.

"I don't see them because I see _you_. I guess I look past them because I am just so happy that I found you."

"Did you see them when you first saw me in your visions?" She shook her head.

"The visions were too hazy and blurry for the first few years. I could barely make out your face. I didn't see the scars until I was so in love with you that they didn't matter." The tone was returning to her voice.

"Then I love your visions. Your visions let you see past what others couldn't. Your visions brought you to me. Your visions saved me even though I do not deserve it and can never repay it. I love your gift, beloved, because it is a part of you. Don't you understand? They truly are the greatest gift I could have ever received."

I heard her sharp intake of breath and yearned to see her face. Her emotions fluctuated between immense joy and uncertainty.

"But they feel so _wrong_. They make me a freak. Others don't have visions like me. No one else has to watch as they see things that they can't change. No matter how much good I try to do with them, they bring heartache. It is as if I can't live in peace because of them. They come and intrude on me, forcing me to see things I don't want to see. Sometimes I feel completely out of control, like my life and emotions are caught in a whirlwind that tosses me all about. The only time I have felt true peace is when you are with me."

"Then let me help," I said as relief grew within me. I brought her peace. _ I _did. This much I could do. I could help ease the pain of her gift and perhaps give back something good to the incredible woman I held. Of the things that I could do, this was the purest, the most _right_ of them all.

I felt her nod at the same time a tingling began in my left hand. I could not move it yet, but maybe in a day or two I would be able to hold her properly.

"I need you to let me in, Alice. Try to calm yourself and then let my emotions in when you feel them." She gripped my neck in response, not exactly the reaction I needed. "No, beloved. Relax against me. Let me do this. Just relax as much as you can and let me do the work." She slowly went limp against me, and the feeling of her body so trusting against mine brought forth emotions and urges I was unprepared for. I shoved them aside and focused on what I knew she needed.

I began with a small wave of calm, and felt her breathe deeply as it washed through her. It was sweetly mirrored back at me with no tension associated with it. She was not fighting me at all. Her trust was mind-boggling.

I increased the calm and placed a sense of peace and well-being within it. She didn't move, but her own emotions told me all I needed to know. Happiness and contentment fed back to me. The bitter fear was still there, but hardly a factor now. I heard her sigh softly, and I reveled in the knowledge that I had done this for her. I had given her happiness.

We sat there as the shadows moved across the debris on the barn floor, oblivious of anything but each other. I could barely control the emotions that spread between us. The calm and peace had turned into childlike wonder in Alice, and I found to my surprise that I was able to match her sense of amazement with my own. I had never tried this with another. I had never tried to heal so deeply. I had never wanted to feel another's emotions so much as I did with her. I don't think any other man had ever wanted to feel so deeply as I did now.

I felt her stir against me, and she began to trace my collar bone. I began to gently rub her back. In a rush of emotions that I tried hard to hide, I became acutely aware that I was shirtless and that her own blouse was badly torn down the front.

"Why did you say you don't know how to love?" she asked. Peace, wonder and love flowed so freely from her that I was awash in her emotions. It was so powerfully intoxicating that I had a difficult time formulating an answer.

"It is hard to explain, but in order to eat, to survive, I must kill. Until I met you, it was an absolute. Maria made me a commander of her armies, and I killed ruthlessly over and over again. I was merciless. I had to be. Like you, killing hurts because I feel every emotion my victim feels. That means that every time I eat, I die. Every time I fight, I hurt and feel the fear of death along with my opponent. Their emotions sear me each and every time. I realized soon after my change that I could not keep my own emotions and feel theirs as well. Like a light reflected endlessly in two mirrors, the emotions of both myself and those I fought and killed reverberated against me and magnified until it nearly drove me mad. I could not stop their feelings, but I could stop my own. So, over time, I killed off the last of my humanity and emptied myself of all but the most basic emotions I needed for survival. I don't know how to love because I destroyed that part of myself." I tried to give as much truth as I could, hoping she would understand.

"But I feel it in you," she said firmly. "I can feel you give me love."

"I don't think it's there, Alice. I am in awe of you. I feel connected with you in a way that I never thought I would. You touch me in the deepest spaces and have brought me back to life. I owe you everything. I want to make you happy. I want you to stop feeling afraid and know that I will always be here and always _want_ to love you. I think I have felt the glimmer of love, but I don't know how to make it grow. Beloved, _my_ beloved, I _want _to love you. If it takes me eternity, I _will_ learn how."

Her face was instantly in front of me. She smiled, but I couldn't tell if it was truly happy.

"We make quite a pair, don't we? Our gifts are so powerful, and yet they are more of a curse than a blessing. How can we have such incredible powers and yet be so weak?"

"That is the strangest part of all," I agreed. "You bring out my weakness more than anything else, but when I am with you, I feel stronger than I have ever felt."

"Maybe that's the reason," she said as her tilted her head again.

"The reason for what?"

"The reason I saw you. Maybe together, we are whole."

"I can't be whole. I can only hope to undo some of the damage, and I don't even know if that is possible. I don't know if I_ can _love you," I said.

"I love you enough for us both," she said with a smile in her voice. "You have no idea how wonderful it is to say that. I love you. _I love you_, and you _want _to stay with me. That feels _so_ good."

For the millionth time, I cursed Maria to the hell she deserved. I needed to be so much more for Alice; I needed to be everything for her. How could she accept me without the ability to truly love her? How could I honor her sacrifices without love?

"But it isn't enough, beloved. If I had known you existed, I would have endured all the pain of eighty years to meet you undamaged and whole. You can't understand how much I wish I could go back and undo what I did. I want to be able to hold you and take in all your emotions fully. I want to feel it all with you. Good and bad, I want to feel it _all_. I just can't yet. It's too raw and new. But, Alice, I swear to you I will find a way. Somehow I will."

"I think you already have, you just don't know it."

I shook my head. "How can I make you understand?"

"You can't. Jasper, I feel it in you. When you sent the emotions to me, when I felt your fear during the fight, while you ran with me, love was wound through all of it.

"You said it hurt when you felt my emotions. You said touching you makes it worse. But you carried me against you and sat with me when I was too afraid to even move. How did you do _that _if you are beyond repair?" She sat up and her face and tone were full of accusation. Her ire had all but driven the maddening fear away.

"I don't know," I said honestly. "I can feel your love. Perhaps I am mirroring it back to you," I said as I pondered the possibility that her love could be enough for us both. She huffed angrily. I was too relieved to have my feisty imp back to even try to argue.

"You are doing better," I smiled as her ire turned to triumph and shimmering happiness returned to her.

"You made me better," she said with a hint of the familiar sparkle to her golden eyes. Her lashes were incredibly long and thick. I wondered how I had missed that before.

"I want to ask you something, but I don't want to cause you any more pain," she said almost shyly.

"You don't cause me pain," I said firmly. "_I_ cause me pain."

"I know you don't feel many things, but you do feel strongly for me. Or at least you want to. What exactly can you feel? About me… What do you feel about me?"

"Protective."

"Well, that's a start, I suppose. Not very romantic, though," she mumbled. I laughed.

"I'm not kidding about that," I told her with a tap on her nose. "I want to make sure no one ever touches you again. You have no idea what it did to me to see that monster grab you. Nothing has ever made me so angry or frightened in my known life.. I will utterly destroy anyone who tries to hurt you in any way."

"Thank you," she said with a smile, "but don't tell me. Show me." She leaned impossibly close to me.

"I don't—"

Her finger brushed soft against my lips, and those new feelings roared nearly uncontrollable through me. Her eyes opened wide as she felt them, too.

"Yeah," she gasped. "Like that."

I leaned forward, touching my forehead to hers. Looking into her eyes, I let all the goodness within me, all that she had resurrected from the ash and dust of who I was, flow through me. It wasn't enough, it would never be enough, but it was all that I had.

_**Alice**_

The wave of emotion wavered twice before crashing into me. It was so intense that I cried out. They roiled through me until I was aware only of them. They were not what I imagined they would be. They were emotions like mine, but utterly masculine. They were complex without being cluttered and were so _very_ clear. They were wound tightly together, but each could be separated out. He was in awe of me and his feelings towards me were almost reverent and worshipful. He felt joy. It was a deep and soft feeling and so very fragile. He needed to protect me. No, it was too strong to be a need. It was a drive so intense it bound all the others. He had to protect me because he needed me. He _needed_ me. It was almost a burning hunger; he needed me more than anything.

The wave slowly ebbed, and my eyes were able to focus on his face. He looked in that instant like he could be easily broken. He was utterly vulnerable.

"Thank you," I said in a whisper. How many women knew the intensity of their lover's feelings? How many knew beyond a doubt, as I did now, that they were desired so much?

"My turn," I said, and carefully, very carefully, I sent him my feelings. It was strange to try to focus my emotions, but I thought if I could isolate one and dwell on it, perhaps he could feel it and make it his own.

I first sent him my own deep joy at being with him. He understood immediately and closed his eyes. I could feel him breathing deeply and I sensed that he was trying to stay calm.

"Is this OK?" I asked. I did not want to hurt him. "I can stop if it causes pain."

He simply took my hands and placed them on his chest near where his heart once beat.

I tried harder and focussed on the joy again, but this time I added my overwhelming sense of love. It was the first love I felt for him because it was the simplest. I drew on that first memory of his face and the knowledge of how much I could love him. I felt him tremble under my hands, but I did not stop. I remembered the first vision of him coming into the diner and re-lived my longing and joy at seeing him. I ran through the visions of him reading or watching baseball, and lingered on the quiet love they brought me. An then I re-played the day the universe was made whole; the day he truly did walk into the diner. I remembered smelling his scent for the first time and seeing the water play on his skin, and I was overwhelmed with the joy and love of that moment. I fed it to Jasper, willing him to understand.

I heard his soft gasp as his own fragile joy joined mine. Like an endless reflection, it grew until my mind was numb with it. I closed my eyes as waves of utter bliss passed between us. I was joy. We were joy. A stunningly bright rainbow enveloped me, ending as a perfect yellow flashed in my mind. It washed through me bringing with it pure elation.

When I opened my eyes, I found my arms wrapped around his neck, and my face buried in his shoulder. His breathing was ragged, and he was rocking and holding me tightly.

"It was beautiful," I gasped. "Jasper, did you see it? It was beautiful!"

"The colors? You saw the colors?" he rasped.

I nodded, unable to clearly think of an answer. I heard him moan softly, and quickly released my hold. His arm slid away, and I sat back to see him. His face was drawn, and he looked utterly spent. I had hurt him.

"I'm so sorry," I whispered in anguish. I wanted to hold him and stop the pain, but I knew that touching him might increase it. "I didn't mean to make you hurt. I just wanted you to know."

His hand came up and brushed my cheek. "You didn't hurt me, beloved. It just became too intense too quickly. I'm not used to feeling happiness, and I reacted to it strongly and it got out of control."

"It did hurt, I can tell."

"All right, it hurt, but it hurt in a good way. It was a healing pain. You looked like you were remembering something. What were you thinking of?"

"All the times I saw you," I admitted, feeling suddenly shy. "The last memory before I became overwhelmed was of you walking into the diner seven days ago." Had it only been that long?

"I make you_ that_ happy?" he asked incredulously.

"Of course. I told you, I have enough love and joy for us both. I didn't even get to the good parts. I will save those for later."

He looked at me strangely, and then said a very droll, "Thank you."

"Do you know what the worst part is?" he asked in a sad voice. "The worst part is wanting so badly to touch you, and not being able to handle it. Your touch both heals me and sets me on fire in ways I didn't know were possible, and I want it so very badly, but it overwhelms me." He looked as the ceiling of the crumbling barn as he said it, and I could hear a tremor in his voice.

"My hand doesn't hurt you when I touch you?" I traced the now thin crack along his shoulder. He shook his head, and I traced it down to where is was a small white line at his waistline. I felt his muscles tense under my finger, and he drew in a quick breath.

"No."

I smiled and traced his scar back up and followed it up to his collar bone, and continued up his neck.

"How about now?"

"No. That definitely doesn't cause me pain," he said as he closed his eyes.

"So small touches are bearable?"

He chuckled low in his throat. "I would say they are _slightly_ better than bearable."

I let my fingers trace around his mouth and brushed them over his lips.

"Now?"

"Bearable." It was almost a moan. His eyes were still closed, and he was perfectly lovely in the fading light. I had never seen something so endearing, so totally mine.

My lips softly brushed his. He froze, and I moved very slowly forward and up onto my knees, careful not to touch him. I tilted my head and pressed my mouth to his, only a little harder this time. I didn't understand how, but my mouth seemed to know how to kiss without much of a command from me. I let my lips slide over his, kissing first his utterly still upper lip, and then the lower one, moving slowly and gently. His hand was suddenly on my neck, pulling me into him, and his lips began to move over mine. I could taste his spicy sweetness on his breath. His lips were like silk against mine, and I kissed him back hard. Our lips moved so smoothly and easily, it was as if they were made for this very moment.

A flood of emotion hit me, but this time I matched it. They were intertwined as before, but so much so that I could only pick one emotion out. Love. It was tiny and tenuous, but it was there. My own feeling of love burst forward in reaction to it, and, as before, the feeling grew between us until it was all I could feel or think. Love, so complex and utterly singular at the same time. It filled me, ran through me, and spilled out. Then colors flashed in my mind and through my soul. They were perfect, brilliant, deep, pure and vibrant all at once.

We both cried out at the same time, and I fell back onto the dirt floor, breathing heavily. Guilt came over me as I realized I had done it again. I threw my arm over my eyes, and tried to remember the blue and the feeling of being washed in our love, so certain and so pure.

"I'm sorry," I finally said. "I won't do that again. It's not fair, and I'm sorry." I moved my arm and found myself staring into his face as he knelt over me. He was smiling.

"It was worth the pain, beloved. Are you all right?"

I nodded and smiled. "All right? That was_ incredible_! Do others see the colors and feel emotions so strongly that they are completely overwhelmed by them?"

"I don't believe so. I have only seen the colors so intently with you."

"Only with me?" My silent heart nearly exploded with that knowledge. Only with me. _Me_.

"Yes," he said and nuzzled my face with his nose, breathing in my scent.

"This is going to take some practice," I said with a very content smile.

"We have time, beloved."

"By the way, I told you so. You _do_ feel love," the words came out more smugly than I intended.

He laughed wholeheartedly and freely, and he was suddenly beside me on the ground. The sound of his laughter reverberated against the stone, filling the barn with a sound of deep joy. Then, he was over me again, holding himself up on his good arm, and leaning over to kiss my jaw.

"I felt it, Alice!" he said with eyes lit with wonder. "I felt it, and I gave it to you. I don't know how, but it was there. And do you know what? I thought love came from what you gave me, but it didn't. It came from what I gave you. The love was there; the love, it comes from the giving."

And his lips found mine as twilight fell and the world became a pulsing symphony of colors.

* * *

Ahh, Jasper. The love was in the giving all along. No matter how old they are, guys are clueless.

This was new for me, and I HOPE and pray I got it right. Please, PLEASE review and let me know what you think. Romance is scary!!


	9. Chapter 9: The Circle of Hate

You have no idea how glad I am to get this to you, my wonderful readers, before Christmas. As a very busy mother of several children, my life these last few weeks has been unbelievably hectic. However, I _really_ wanted to get this out for you while everyone has a little break.

To all of you, thanks so much for the wonderful comments and thoughts you send my way. I am now accepting anonymous reviews again, so please feel free to comment, good or bad. I truly want to hear your ideas!

**My ever deepening gratitude to my beta reader Remylebeauishot who is always there for me. She makes my stories terrific. I would also like to thank a new beta-girl who has stepped in to help guide me. Thank you and welcome EverAndAlways!**

Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and all cannon characters and plots. I own all original characters and story lines, and not NEARLY enough chocolate. Sigh, off to the store _again._

* * *

_**Alice**_

We lay side by side until the silver light of the moon brightened the woods and cast small, glowing pools around us. I wanted to lie in his arms, against his smooth chest, but I kept my touches to light kisses and hand strokes. I did not want to hurt him, especially now that I understood just how much damage I could do. It was frightening how much control I had over Jasper, and it was terrifying how much he loved me. I could not imagine how much more powerful his love would become as he continued to heal in both his body and his heart.

I watched as the moon came directly overhead, turning the leaves silver with its light. Jasper was beside me now, and our hands were the only things that touched as they lay interlaced on his belly. He was still sending me small waves of happiness, but I could tell that he was completely spent. When I tried to force my gift, it could exhaust me mentally and bring on terrible headaches. I couldn't imagine what it was like for him now; he had actively used his gift for over 24 hours straight. He had pushed himself beyond his known limits, and I could feel it draining him. And his gift couldn't be turned off. No wonder the city and its crowds made him look so tense.

The city. My car and possessions were still there, but I had no desire or need to return except for one. My friends there were in greater danger than any of us thought, and I would have to return to warn them. It was the last thing I wanted to do, though. Right now all I wanted was to stay here, or go to the mountains, or to my cabin, anywhere but the city. Unfortunately I could not leave them alone to face the threat of Carlos alone and unsuspecting.

"What is it?" Jasper drawled beside me. His accent was more pronounced when he was relaxed, I'd noticed.

"What's what?"

"Alice." It was all he said, but his tone carried a weighted message. He already knew of my torn feelings and reluctance simply by my emotional reaction to my own thoughts. It was miraculous. And it was downright annoying.

"We need to leave, but I don't want to," I said quietly to the ceiling.

"You're worried about your friends."

"Yep." I sighed. "I know they can take care of themselves, but this Carlos is a more serious threat than we thought."

"He is indeed a very formidable opponent. He and Maria often fought each other, and he is very, very good. He is one of the few survivors of the Volturi's intervention in the southern coven wars. He's slippery; they call him the "Barracuda" because he attacks swiftly with deadly force, and then runs off to hide. He is a master of escape and more gifted than Maria in choosing talented humans to change."

"Why is he so hard to catch?" I wondered out loud as my worry increased. There were only five of them now. New York would be an easy target against an army-maker like Carlos.

"He rarely ever goes into battle with his army. He stays behind and hides even from his most trusted lieutenants, so that they cannot lead anyone to him. Everyone is expendable, so he doesn't mind losing a few soldiers to keep himself safe. There are always more." His tone turned bitter as it always did when he spoke of his past.

"Why move north to New York? Why not take Atlantic City or D.C. or something?"

Jasper chuckled. "Trust me, he wouldn't stop with just one city. Carlos wants a base from which he can rule a large area. If he takes New York, those cities and the entire East Coast will all fall under his sway as well. He's wanted New York for half a century, and now that it is relatively unprotected, he won't stop trying to take it. New York is the key to the whole eastern United States. He tried to take it once before, a few decades ago. He sent a full army in to try and take it by force, but the covens here were too strong, too tightly connected to –"

"My coven war," I whispered as a knot formed in my stomach. I felt as if I had been hit. Three of my friends had died in that war. I had watched two of them burn, unable to save them.

"Yes, I believe so."

"Carlos sent another psychic against us, and it took everything I had to stop him. There were more of us then, and there is no way we can stop him now," I groaned as my silent heart ached. I would have to go back now because there was no way I could let the New York covens face this threat alone.

Jasper was instantly over me with his cockeyed smile spread across his face. "Wait a minute. It _was_ you, wasn't it?" He burst out into a laugh. "You killed the psychic? Oh, Lordy, that is rich."

"What are you talking about?"

"Carlos believed it was a great, gifted warrior that killed his precious son. He is convinced that the mighty warrior who defeated his most gifted child is still watching over New York. I thought it was Ivan or possibly Vasily who defeated Carlos's army, but it was you." He was laughing again, so I hit him.

"Jasper Whitlock, I will have you know that I am a great and mighty warrior, and you should show some respect for my fighting skill." He only laughed harder.

I sat up and put my hands on my hips. "I'm warning you, don't underestimate me!"

"I'm trembling in fear," he said between guffaws. I pushed him over with a growl, but he popped right back up.

"You are so cute when you are angry," he said with a grin. That did it. I was not cute when I was angry, and he needed to take that back. I ran through a series of attacks, and chose one that would work but not hurt him.

"So, you really think I'm cute?" I asked with a smile.

"Yes ma'am," he said as he leaned closer. I snatched his good arm and quickly dove under it and around to his back, pinning the arm behind him.

"Gotcha," I gloated as I kissed his neck.

"That wasn't fair," he said, much less smug.

"Yes it was. Surprise attack is my best method. Now, am I still cute when I'm angry?"

"Sorry darlin', but yeah. The cuteness doesn't go away that easily. When you get mad, your face scrunches up, and you look just like a pouting child. It really is rather adorable."

"When your arm heals, I am going to show you just how dangerous this cute, little vampire can be," I snapped in frustration. I would need to look at my angry face in the mirror and see if what he said was really true. Of all the things I wanted to be, _cute_ was not one of them.

"That sounds like it could be fun," he said, and I could hear the sarcastic smile in his voice.

"So Carlos thinks I'm some massive male vampire?" I asked, bringing the conversation back to the danger at hand. "And he is angry at me because I killed his psychic?"

"He has sworn to avenge his son himself. Entire covens have been destroyed by his vengeance, and he hates all those in New York more than any others. He knows by now that there are only a few covens guarding New York, and he will assume that the warrior is either Ivan or Chi-Yang. So, he is really angry with them."

"But if he knew it was me..."

"He would stop at nothing to either own you or destroy you. Alice, you have no idea how rare and valuable your gift is. The Volturi themselves would do _anything_ to have you work for them, and the Southern covens would gladly move north and take their entire war to this region in hopes of luring you into one. You have been wise to guard your gift so closely."

Part of me was sure he was joking, but he was more serious now than I had ever seen him. He looked intently at me, as if he was trying to press something into me.

"I can't _believe_ you have lasted so long completely unprotected. You have been secretive your whole life, and you need to be even more so now. Had those others taken you to Carlos, he would have done unimaginable things to you to make you his own. If Carlos finds you, he will…" He paused and shuddered. "Never mind, I _won't _let him find you."

I looked at the determination on his face and realized what he was trying to convey to me, but it was too late. I could not simply run away.

"You don't understand, Jasper. I have to go back," I said quietly but firmly.

"No, you _don't_."

"I will know when he tries to attack. Now that I know whom to look for, maybe I can see him. Maybe we can stop him or run, but I can't leave my friends to face this threat without my help. I _can't_."

"And I can't let you be put at risk. I have waited over eighty years to find you. You don't know what it was like without you. I will die without you. No, worse than that; death would be the best release without you. I _can't_ allow you to place yourself in danger. Please, beloved, don't ask me to." His very real fear permeated the silver light, making the shadows darker.

I realized again just how fragile we both had become. Together we were the most indestructible and unstoppable predators, but we were now also the most vulnerable. If either of us died, the other would suffer a fate worse than death. Fire would be the only relief left to the one that lived.

"I won't ask you to do that," I said as the bitter feeling of betrayal rose in me. I could not fight for my friends if it meant risking Jasper. "But I can't leave New York without doing something. I have been their friend for so long that I _have_ to warn them. Perhaps you could help them make defensive plans."

He looked at me unmoving and unmoved.

"Jasper please, we won't stay long. I don't want to see you fight either, but I need to help them. They are my _friends_. I can't leave them to face this threat alone," I tried to keep my voice firm and calm.

"Would they do the same for you?" he asked pointedly. I grimaced at the answer to that. As much as I wished they would come to my rescue, I knew the answer was no. They would not risk their lives or the lives of their mates for me. Even though Ivan and Vasily loved a battle, they would not fight for me if there was nothing to gain. It is the way of vampires.

He felt my answer. "I didn't think so. You never cease to amaze me, Alice. You give freely, without thinking of what is in it for you. That is so unlike our kind that it's a little hard to get used to. However, this is a vampire war, and you need to think like a vampire."

"This isn't about what we can do for each other. They are the only friends I have left, and going back to warn them is the _right_ thing to do. The reason you love me is because I am full of goodness and life, right? How can I think like a vampire and still be your angel?" I asked, looking as much like an adorable cherub as I could.

I felt his acquiescence before I heard his heavy sigh. I was glad to know the feelings worked both ways. I looked over at him to see him frowning at me.

"You are devious, you know that?"

"Yep," I smiled, popping my "p."

"Only to warn them?" He sounded exasperated.

"Only to warn them. And then I will say goodbye," I added sadly. I no longer wanted to remain in the city now that I had my mate, but I did want to say a proper goodbye to the others. "Jasper, I know you want to keep me safe, and I think I know of a place. It is with some others of our kind that I know of. We could leave New York and find them."

"_Another_ coven?" he sighed in exasperation. "Alice no matter where you go, others will want to use your gift for themselves. _No _coven is safe. Ever."

"When this is over, I will tell you of them, and we can decide then. I won't force you to go," I lied. I was finally ready to begin that journey now.

I decided to let the topic drop and try to distract him. I placed my hand on his chest and traced his ribs. He shuddered deliciously under my fingers. I felt Jasper's left hand move slightly at my side and sat up to examine his shoulder. Even in the moonlight, I could tell the fissure was now only a small but deep crack. I winced at the memory of seeing him hurt. I leaned over and kissed the injurey very softly, and was immediately rewarded with a happy, deep moan from Jasper. I desperately wanted to touch him again, I needed to touch him, but I drew back and stroked his face instead. I couldn't force him to feel so much so soon regardless of how tempted I was to try it.

"Does it still hurt?" I asked, brushing my fingers through his hair.

He chuckled darkly. "Yes, it still hurts quite a bit, but it is getting better."

"How long until you are healed, do you think?"

"Two more days, and I will be as good as new. We can use the days to travel back if you want," he ventured.

Right at the moment, I didn't want to leave this small, broken piece of heaven -- wherever it was. My visions, however, had other plans, and I was suddenly in these woods at dawn as three vampires came up on cold ashes. My body reacted to the vision as it would to the reality, and I was growling when I returned to the barn. But this time it was different. This time, the emotional reaction to the vision was muted. This time, Jasper was holding my chin and looking desperately into my eyes, his limp left hand was feebly trying to hold my right one. The shirt he had used to splint his broken shoulder was in shreds on the floor.

"Are you OK?" he asked desperately. Another wave of peace whispered through me.

"Oh, that was much better," I sighed with a slight smile.

"What was much better? You blanked out and just stared into mid-space and then started growling. You went into defensive mode. Was _that_ a vision?"

I nodded, relishing the feeling of having Jasper here and holding me while I was lost in the future. "It was so much better than usual. Usually, I can't stop myself from reacting to them, but having you here was… comforting. It didn't affect me nearly as much as it should have." I took a deep breath, taking in his wonderful scent. "Yes, that was much better."

"_That_ was just weird," he said as he looked at me with grave concern. "You really can't defend yourself when one of those things hits, can you?"

I shook my head. "Most of them aren't that intense, but the ones that are leave me helpless. We need to leave, by the way. Others are coming, and they are going to find the ashes the ones we killed. They will be here by dawn."

Jasper was instantly standing, pulling me up beside him. "Tell me _exactly_ what you saw."

"There are three of them, and they will find the ashes at dawn. That should give us about four hours head start," I calculated quickly.

Jasper nodded. "Good. With a head start, I can make sure our scent is too confusing to follow. Will you be able to tell if they chase us?" I nodded as his right hand found my left one. He took one pensive look at me, and we were off.

We didn't run at full speed, but rather ran in a confusing path full of back tracks and false leads as we made our way north until we hit the first deep waters of the river region in western Tennessee or Kentucky. As dawn broke, Jasper stopped and finally turned to me.

"I think the path will be sufficiently confusing to them. Have you seen them yet?"

"No, I didn't want to try while we were running." Jasper looked confused for just a moment and then kissed my hair.

"You were afraid I would leave you behind, weren't you?" He was almost chuckling.

"It has happened before. If the vision is too strong, I just fade out for a moment, and I have to stop running. If you keep running, then I have had to go find you. It isn't a big deal, but in an emergency, it is best not to leave reality for too long." I tried to sound like it was the most normal thing in the world, but even I heard the annoyance and fear in my voice.

"Alice, I will _never_ leave you behind," he said with utter sincerity. "You need to believe that, because I simply _won't_ leave you. I can feel when the visions hit, and now that I know what to feel for, I will always know when you need me." He kissed my head again as he said it. I could feel him comforting me, but I didn't need his gift to find comfort – his words were enough for that. He would _know_ when I needed him, and he would not leave me behind. The words chipped away at the black fear that still lurked within me.

"What does it feel like, when I blank out?"

He stood back to look at me, with a grimace on his face. "Mostly, it's just a strange change in your emotions. But when they are stronger, it's like you disappear for a brief moment. I don't like that," he grumbled. Now it was my turn to chuckle.

"So can you see them?" he asked, his tone more business like.

I closed my eyes and searched. I could see the newcomers weaving in and out of the forest, slowly searching for our scent. They were not running, and I could not see them tracking us for long.

"They found the ashes, and they are searching for our scent, but I don't think they have decided to track us."

"But they _are_ looking?"

I nodded. He thought for a moment before speaking. "I won't take a chance with it. I think we should take to the river for the daylight hours and see if we can lose them that way."

"You'll need to keep track of me if a vision hits," I said. If I stopped mid-stream for a vision, I could be swept back down the river a considerable ways.

"You go first, and I will be right behind you. If anything happens, I'll catch you," he said as he headed into the water. I dove in before him, and began swimming upstream. It felt so good to have him here and watching over me.

We swam up what must have been the Ohio River from the stench and amount of pollution. The water was easy to swim in, but we had to constantly be on guard of human fishermen and boats. We swam until the sun had turned the sky blood red over us, and we were in rapidly moving waters deep in a forested region. Jasper put his hand on my foot, and we both came to the surface. I was very glad not to have smelled the river before now, the scent of human waste and industrial sludge was noxious.

Jasper deftly moved to the shore, but leapt onto a tree branch rather than touching dry land. He was very thorough. I followed him, and we climbed higher into the trees. Jasper was now using his left arm to hold onto branches, but it still seemed stiff. He smiled at me.

"Do you know where you are?"

I looked around, and saw a bright spot over to the east of us. It was far off, but definitely shone in the waning light. I took a deep breath. "Pittsburgh." He smiled and nodded. Then he chucked a pine cone at my head.

"Race ya home!" and he was off, laughing as he jumped through the trees.

"Cheater!" I screamed in protest as I launched myself after him as I flung myself through the forest canopy on our way to New York City.

My bloodcurdling scream reverberated through the pink tiled room as I looked in horror at the destruction before me. Jasper appeared instantly in the mirror behind me with a shocked look that turned quickly into a sarcastic grin.

"It's not that bad," he laughed as he tousled my horrendous hair. It was matted to my head and looked like it was made up of the same ingredients as a bird's nest.

"Thank God we came into the city in the dark," I groaned. "What if someone had seen me like this."

Even after swimming for a day in a river, my pale skin showed deep blotches of dirt and oil. I realized that the oil was probably_ from _the river as I found a glob of it in the mess of my hair.

"_I_ saw you like that, and I don't mind."

"Don't remind me," I whimpered as I hid my face behind my hands.

He pulled my hands apart and chuckled as he gave me a kiss on my filthy nose. "You look perfect. Your clothes took the brunt of it, anyway, and you will be good as new after a bath."

"In what? Kerosene? How am I going to get the oily mess off of me and out of my hair now?" I cried in frustration. I had used kerosene before to get tar and sap out, but it was always dangerous to use and made me smell funny. I sighed and went to the kitchen to get borax, dish soap, and the whole can of kerosene.

"Save some for me," Jasper said as I set them down, none too gently, on the side of the tub. He headed out as I examined my ruined clothing before ripping it off my body. I gasped at what I saw. My trousers had dozens of rips in them and the hems were swollen with caked mud. My shirt was even worse and only barely functioning as such. The heavy material had so many holes and rips in it that I could see my skin in the most inappropriate areas possible. But the worst part was a rip that went from my right sleeve straight down the length of my stomach. Not only did it completely expose my muddy midsection, it showed off quite a bit of my bra.

"Jasper!" I hissed as a whole cacophony of emotions boiled up in me. I heard a soft chuckle from the living room where Jasper was listening to the radio.

I stuck my head out of the door, though he could have heard me perfectly well from the bathroom, and yelled, "_Why_ didn't you say something? I can't believe you let me run around like that!"

"There wasn't anything we could have done about it, and I knew it would bother you, so I said nothing." He looked at me with wide eyes and feigned innocence. I glared at him and growled.

"Honestly, what could we have done?" He tried to be sincere, but his lip curled up at the corner into the slightest lopsided grin.

"You know good and well you should have said something. I could have grabbed a shirt off a line somewhere on the way back. If I didn't know any better, I would think you were a dirty old vampire enjoying a peep show," I accused with a point of my finger. I wanted to be angry with him, but part of me was happy with that lopsided grin.

"I am both old and very dirty," he said, indicating his dirt-encrusted clothing. His smile spread across his face. "And I did enjoy it." He ducked out of the way as I threw a small decorative soap at him and slammed the door.

_Men!_

I doused my head in kerosene and scrubbed as only a vampire can. The vapors were so strong they nearly burned my throat. I took my many faceted frustration out on my hair as I fought the oily dirt and tried to force it out. I was livid at Jasper's behavior, but I was also somehow very happy. I began to realize that the frustration was not entirely based on his actions, but was rather based on unmet needs that I now had. I had spent hours in Jasper's arms giving and receiving love in a way that defied definition. It was more than I had ever dreamed it would be, and yet is was not nearly enough. I needed him. I needed to feel his love, and return it, until the emotion became light and color and my mind was stilled in wonder.

I also needed to feel his skin, and that need was growing more intense each time we touched. But Jasper could not handle that yet.

I brought up the images of Jasper as he struggled to keep my emotions under control. I saw his elation and agony as the intense emotions that rendered me helpless bored into him. I saw him lay exhausted on the floor of the barn, the moonlight bringing his features into stark contrast and aging him. No, he was not healed enough yet, but perhaps together, we could slowly begin to heal him.

I turned on the water to it's hottest setting and lathered my hair with borax and dish soap. I watched as black streaks laden with tentacles of oil washed over my body and down the drain. I had to use a tuft of steel wool to get all the grime off my own skin. I would need to clean this tub with a blow torch when we were done showering. Of course, that might not go well with kerosene.

The shower and automatic process of bathing gave me a measure of soothing comfort which was a blessing after the last four days. I felt the frustration wash down the drain with the grime. I shook my head in amazement as I realized that I had known Jasper for only ten days now. In those ten days, my life had become something entirely different from what it had been. Nothing in the world was the same now. Nothing of what I knew would ever be the same because I had_ become _something entirely different. I felt surreal as the water hit my body and the reality soaked in. I was no longer a singular individual but rather I was a part of a new whole. Jasper and I were no longer able to be apart from each other, and I felt a renewed sense of love and care for the one whose very existence was now a facet of my own.

"Alice?" His hesitant voice broke through my thoughts.

"I'm OK," I said, knowing that he had felt everything I had.

"I am sorry. I really didn't think the shirt was that important. All I cared about was getting you to safety. I honestly don't care what you or your clothing look like."

"I'm not angry anymore," I said as I quickly shut off the water and towel dried off.

"I know that. What were you thinking just now?" He was still cautious in his tone.

"I was thinking how much my life has changed, and how different things are now," I answered truthfully. No more lies. At least not until I learned to control my feelings better. "Why? What did you feel?"

I opened the door and looked into the crimson eyes set in a field of scars, and loved him again. The rush of joy at seeing his face still took my breath away. He smiled as he felt it.

"I love that, you know," he said quietly with soft eyes. "I love that you feel such joy when you see me. You shouldn't feel that way, but I am glad you do. I'm growing to need those emotions."

"Yeah, I need them, too. I know that it sounds really stupid," I began as I looked at the floor, only to have my eyes draw themselves back up to his face, "but I _need_ to feel you. I need your skin against me, and I need your emotions running through me. Isn't that terrible? I can't even be apart from you for a shower without it bothering me."

He looked pensive again, and I realized again just how broken he truly was. He really had damaged himself almost beyond repair, and my silent chest tightened at the amount of pain he must have endured.

"I could try to--" he began, but I put my hand over his mouth.

"Just get clean and get dressed, and we can sit together. That's really all I need."

"I could hold you now," he said quietly as he rubbed his hand over my arm, and left a long brownish black streak on my bathrobe.

"Eww, no!" I said with a laugh that broke up the tension. "You get clean, and dressed, and then you can hold me. And by the way, when you said you didn't care about my clothes, you lied. Jasper Whitlock, I see you look at me, and you care very much what I wear." I wagged my finger as I walked out to let him in the bathroom.

"You are only partly right," he chuckled as he shut the door. "I love how you look, but I don't care how your clothes look _on _you."

I didn't even try to be offended.

When Jasper finally emerged from the bathroom, he smelled of cocoanut and kerosene. At least we matched. I had used half of a bottle of rose scented shampoo, and I still smelled the pungent chemical on my hair. The sun was about to rise over the city, and here in my safe apartment, it was hard to comprehend all that had occurred in the last three days. He smiled a little shyly as he walked up beside me and tentatively took my hand. I watched him closely and noted that he stiffened just a bit when our fingers joined. I also noted that a small pulse of energy seemed to pass through us. I needed that touch, and coveted that energy, but I refused to move too quickly and cause him pain.

"Sit with me and let's practice something?" It came as a question, but was meant as an order.

He dutifully sat down on the sofa and I sat beside him. We were both very still for a moment while we each waited for the other to move. How could I feel so timid after what we had been through? I had loved him to the point of oblivion, and here we sat like a couple of shy teenagers in a Norman Rockwell painting.

"Your nervous," he said as he sat ramrod straight beside me.

"And you're not?" I giggled. Not all of these emotions were coming from me, I was sure of it. I reached down and pulled his right arm up and over my shoulder, and I snuggled into his side. He instantly relaxed and his body curved to mold itself to mine.

"That's better," he nodded. "Do you reckon we will ever be used to each other?"

"In a way I hope not," I said as I touched his hand again. The spark was still there. "Jasper, I need to know exactly what you feel when I touch you. I need to know when I am pushing too hard. I need to know when not to touch you."

"I _hate_ that you have to ask. I hate that there is a 'too far.' And I _hate_ that I'm not strong enough to touch you like I want." The words tumbled out fast and fierce. I could feel the anger rolling off of him.

"Jasper you are the strongest man I have ever met. I could tell you were in agony when you held me, but you kept holding on. I could sense how much strength you were using to help me overcome my fear. You pushed yourself beyond your limits, and it worked. It was _enough_." He said nothing, but his face and eyes were so full of emotion that I had to look away.

"Tell me what it cost you to be a soldier," I finally whispered.

"I told you already. I did what I was told, and I didn't care about the consequences. Even as a young human I had done that, so when I became a powerful vampire, it was second nature. The only cost to me was the pain. Rather than stop murdering, I chose to kill the last good things in me. My grandfather used to preach about the abominations of hell. I chose to become that abomination. I tried not to care about anything or anyone. I thought I had done a good job of it, but then you came. Your touch, your kindness, and your incredible life called to me in the tomb I had created for myself, and somehow you resurrected me. Out of ash you brought forth love. When I call you beloved, it is the highest form of praise I can give you."

I was speechless. I wanted to kiss him and hold him and touch him, but that was the very thing that would cause pain. I raised my hand to his face and with a single finger traced his scars again. He closed his eyes and let out the smallest sigh.

"Teach me how to love you. I don't care that you think you are weak, and I don't care that you think I deserve more than you. I care that you call me beloved. Now teach me how to make word that real."

"All you have to do is be here, Alice. I can feel your love, and it soothes the ache the other emotions leave behind."

"But it causes its own kind of pain because you cannot feel for yourself and stop feeling other's emotions?" He nodded.

"I want so badly to touch you in the most intimate ways," he said quietly as his finger traced my face and ran down my neck to my collar bone. "I need to touch your skin so badly that it is like its own form of burning, but I can't. I'm not strong enough yet." He stood up and swept his arm around the room. "It's worse with others around. I have to deal with their emotions as well, and they rub against the raw emotions that have just resurfaced. I can barely stand to be in the city." He slumped back down beside me.

"Then when we have warned them, we will leave," I said firmly.

"I don't want to take you from your home, Alice."

"I have another home that I would rather be in anyway, so you are not taking me from anywhere. Now, it doesn't cause pain for me to touch you like this, does it?" I asked as my fingers ran along his face and down his neck."

"No. Not exactly. It only hurts when you touch my skin and focus emotion into me."

I removed my hands and simply looked at him. The love I felt for him spilled over and he sucked in a quick breath in response.

"That hurt?" I asked, trying to hide my disappointment.

"That was... unexpected. It is hard to be around so many others and have you do that."

"What about holding hands?"

He smiled at me. "You are nothing if not persistent. Let's practice, and I will tell you as we go." I smiled back. Practice was good.

Mai-Li's torso was in the flames, screaming for her mate as chunks of another vampire were thrown in around her. I tried to look past her form to get some type of clue as to where or when it would be. The fear that should have been coursing through me was being held at bay, and I was able to focus on gathering clues. I saw a very tall ceiling, and many broken windows. And steel, the building was steel. I tried to see through the haze, and caught what might be a locomotive engine. Then the vision faded again.

I felt my mind return and Jasper's strong arms encased me. I opened my eyes to see the setting sun cast long shadows across my living room. We would be able to leave soon.

"Anything yet?" Jasper's deep voice asked by my ear.

"A little more this time," I said as I lay back against him. I was careful not to touch his skin, but rather allowed him to hold me in his lap wrapping his arms around me so that I was pressed against his chest. I felt completely safe. The tentacles of fear and loathing were still present, but could not grab me as they had before. "The scene is changing, but the outcome remains the same. One or more of the coven members dies in each vision. This time, it was definitely clearer, so the decision to attack has been made."

"If the scene is changing, does that mean they haven't decided where to attack yet?" He asked as his breath blew my hair across my cheek and tickled it.

"Yes, but I think the decision will come soon. They have decided to attack, it's just the timing and location that are uncertain. In some of the visions, they are coming soon, possibly within a month, and in others it is farther off. However, there will be many of them. You were right, he attacks in force."

"Your gift is truly incredible," said Jasper with a tone of wonder to his voice. "You can tell so much just from the clarity and the few hints we have been given. It's marvelous."

"It is now that you are here," I sighed again. "Without all the painful emotions, I can actually use them."

"How did you deal with the emotions before?"

"I just pushed through them, but they bogged me down. I guess it was so normal to me that I didn't think about how much the emotions got in the way of the vision. You have no idea how much better it is now."

"Oh, I think I might," he chuckled. "The fear you feel, and the constant feeling of remorse or wrongness is still very present in you, especially when the visions hit. I can't seem to push them away," he said as he lazily ran his fingers through my hair. That felt _so_ good, and the fact that he could do it so easily and automatically said volumes as to how far our relationship had come. The fact that we had to be so careful about touching skin on skin spoke volumes as to how far we had to go.

"I didn't even know those emotions were there until you began to push against them. Do you know I have always felt badly about my visions? I never knew why. It is rather strange, isn't it?" I sat up to look at him. His face held an odd look, but he just nodded.

We had practiced touching as the sun rose in the sky, but just after noon a vision of the New York covens being destroyed had hit with such intensity that I was completely overcome. Jasper's gift was the only thing to hold me together, and had brought blessed relief in a measure I didn't even know was possible. With him holding me, I could easily focus on the visions to find the clues we needed.

Now I was trying to see as much as I could before going to the others.

"I don't understand why they have decided to attack so quickly. That isn't like Carlos at all. Perhaps it is a different coven," Jasper pondered. "Can you see anyone that looks like Carlos?"

"No, I don't see any vampire who matches his description. I know its Carlos's army, though, because one of the leaders that I can see is one of the men who tracked us north. He's a black man with a missing ear."

Jasper's hiss made me sit upright. The look on his face was pure rage.

"The black one tracked us?" he growled.

"Yes. Is he someone you know?"

"We used to fight together until he betrayed Maria and I. If it is the same one, he would have recognized my scent. That is why they are moving quickly. Carlos is assuming that I killed those men and headed north. He is coming north to find me."

My stomach twisted with his words, and then a very clear vision showed me their truth. The one with the missing ear was kneeling before a thickly built and badly scarred man with dark skin and long, wavy, black hair. Carlos reared his head back and roared out Jasper's name. Not even Jasper could stop the wave of fear and rage that the vision caused.

Jasper had rolled me over so that I was facing him. His arms were holding me so tightly that I could barely suck in breath. "It's you," I cried into his shirt. "Oh, Jasper, he's coming for you."

_**Jasper**_

Her fear ripped through her as the words left her mouth. I pushed hard against it, but this fear was not going to be conquered easily.

"Jasper, he knows. He knows you're here and he's coming. We have to run!"

I held onto her and rocked. Her panic caused my own fear to roar, and I let the warrior in me come to the fore. "Tell me what you saw, Alice. Tell me everything."

"I saw the one with the missing ear kneel before Carlos. Then Carlos screamed out your name. He was so angry. I could see it clearly. They are coming now. But why attack New York if he wants to kill you?"

Bitter anger and regret flowed through me, forcing my muscles to clench. I looked at her precious face, and then had to look away in guilt and disgust. No matter how hard I tried, my past kept hurting her. Not forty-eight hours ago, I had put her in mortal danger, and now that danger had grown exponentially.

"It's me. This is because of me. He must think I have taken up with the New York covens," I finally managed to growl.

"Jasper, don't do this to yourself. He wants New York anyway. We'll warn the others and leave. It will be fine…" I felt her slip away from me for a moment, losing her to the future, and when she returned, the pike of fear pierced me again. I tried to still her, to take the fear away, but this time it wouldn't budge.

"They're coming," she choked out. "They've gone to the barn and are tracking us. They are coming here, and they won't stop. He isn't going to stop."

I held her and thought furiously, but this trap had closed about me without warning. I could find no way out.

"He won't let any member of the New York covens live because of the murder of his son," I began to explain in a voice that seemed far away. "And now he has _your_ scent." I moaned as the full measure of our danger came over me. "He wants all of you because you killed his son, and he wants me because I killed his mate. I killed her in the same battle that I took the black one's ear. Now that he has found me again, he won't stop. Only now, I don't have an army to wield against him. I can't protect you from an army.

"Alice, I have brought this on you. You don't deserve this, none of you do. This comes from sins committed in my past, and you shouldn't pay the price for them." I felt as if the world was pressing on me, crushing what little life I had and threatening to destroying the precious life I held in my arms.

I hadn't realized that I had closed my eyes until I felt her lips gently sweep over mine. Her feeling of fear shot through me but it was dwarfed by the love she felt, and anchored by sheer determination and _trust_. She trusted me to do the right thing. Something within me reared up and rose to the challenge of her faith in me. I _would_ be worthy of it. I opened my eyes to lose myself in the hope of her golden ones.

"I will not lose you, Jasper, and you will _not_ lose me. You promised. You said you would _never_ lose or leave me. We can win this together_ if_ you lead us. We deserve our happiness, and we _will_ survive and find a place where our joy is complete. Do you understand me, Jasper Whitlock? I will not give up on us. I will not give up hope." Her fingers moved through my hair, and her lips moved against mine with a furious hunger.

My body reacted of its own accord, and suddenly she was in my arms as my lips matched hers. The waves of emotion, desperate and beautiful began to churn through us, and in the midst of that desperation, I was lost in the light and endless colors of her adoration.

* * *

For those of you that wondered, the Cullens are still her goal, but the path will not be easy. Jasper will need a little convincing first.


	10. Chapter 10: Odd Bedfellows and Wet Dogs

I must first apologize to my readers for my long absence. Normally I like to update every week or two, but between another short story that had to be written by a deadline, and some pressing family issues, I simply couldn't get this done like I wanted to. Thank you all for your patience.

This chapter was excellently beta'd by The Sound and the Fury and Remylebeauishot, whose expertise in both writing and offering advice made this chapter readable. Thank you ladies – you rock!

Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and all its original characters and story line. I own all original work and piles of mismatched socks. It's not that bad to wear mismatched socks, is it?

* * *

I had never been touched like Alice touched me. I let Maria touch me for a full seventy years, yet her body never ignited my skin like the tips of Alice's fingers could. Towards the end, Maria's touch made me feel violated, like she was infecting me with her poison each time she tried to handle me. I reckon she was. But it was entirely different with Alice. Alice brought me to life, and my skin tingled with energy under her gentle touch. My skin still burned from it as we made our way over the roofs of New York City on our way to Chi-Yang's home.

My mind and emotions were a discordant mess. I was dreading this meeting. No matter what I did now, Alice would be in danger. Carlos and his army had Alice's scent, and he knew we were together. This had to end in battle now, and I needed the New York covens to do it. But the last people I wanted to be beholden to were the members of New York. To align myself with them was to bind both of us to constant battle, and I loathed the thought of it. But it was the only way to protect her.

I _dreaded_ owing my allegiance to another coven. I had finally fled from Maria and found a measure of peace punctuated only by the need to feed and the occasional fight. I had found my freedom, but I could not protect Alice by myself. Of all that had happened, this fact made me growl in rage. The one thing I wanted to do, I could not do. I felt utterly emasculated as we ran to meet Chi-Yang and Ivan, and I did not need to feel any less of a man while meeting them.

Amid the swirling emotions and thoughts, my mind was trying to formulate a plan of defense. I knew Carlos better than almost any other opponent, and he would never come at us directly. He already knew of the covens, and he most likely knew where they all lived. And he was coming with an army. Alice's words rang through my head like an alarm. He would never stop.

I had never in my life felt so trapped.

Alice could sense my vacillating moods and allowed me the space I needed, but her worried glances told me how much the distance was costing her.

We jumped down by Chi-Yang's home and ran to his gate. Alice knocked as I watched for movement. Carlos would have spies in the city even now, and though I could not pick up a scent, I would not let down my defenses now.

Almost as soon as Alice knocked, we were admitted.

"Vasily and Lena are on their way. You're sure about this threat?" asked Chi-Yang in the way of a greeting. Alice had already called to warn them.

"Absolutely," I said flatly. "The spies you killed before we arrived came from Carlos. He's been watching you for months, possibly a year. He doesn't send in an army unless he is sure of himself. I've fought him several times, and he is a most worthy opponent," I tried to convey our danger in both words and emotions, but, true to himself, Chi-Yang merely smiled in anticipation and led us upstairs. I followed, but each step I took dragged me closer to a life I didn't want to live.

Mai-Li was standing next to a very stoic-looking Ivan. Waves of fury rolled off of him. _Perfect. One coven leader is nearly giddy with joy, and the other is murderously angry -- what a night this is fixing to be,_ I thought bitterly. I hid my grimace, but Alice, so in tune with me now, noticed my mood shift. It seemed I could no longer hide my own emotions from her, which was rather annoying. Her fingers brushed against mine, and she sent me a potent mixture of trust and love.

I stood tall and sent out a calming mood. The others relaxed just a bit, and I began our tale.

"As you know, I fought in the South for most of my life, even as a human. I fought for an army maker named Maria. Of all her opponents, one named Carlos the Barracuda was the most deadly. I believe you fought him at least once before, though you would not have known it. He doesn't join the battles himself."

"The coven war in 1926?" asked Mai-Li. I nodded.

"We were attacked in 1912 by a coven that used similar tactics. We fared far worse in that war," said Chi-Yang. "Rather than attack openly, both armies used a 'divide and conquer' scheme that nearly destroyed us the first time."

"That would be his style, and his attack on you would have been around the time he stopped attacking Maria," I agreed. "Alice and I were nearly destroyed by a group of five that had been spying on the city. They are ashes now, but it was a very close battle." My involuntary shudder caused Alice's hand to wrap tightly around mine. I glanced at her to see her face clouded in the memory. I smiled and gripped her hand in return.

"_How_ close?" Ivan growled. I could feel Ivan's anger build as he noticed that quick exchange. I would need to watch him closely. I didn't need to fight a two-front war.

"Two were vampires I had fought before. They ambushed me outside the city, and I led them as far away from here as I could before they caught me." I didn't want to divulge too much, but they needed to understand the danger. "I was damaged, but between the two of us, we were able to destroy them. Barely."

Mai-Li gasped. "Alice, are you all right?"

"I'm fine," Alice said, smiling "but what Jasper is saying is true. I have seen them coming. Carlos hates Jasper and thinks he is a part of the New York Covens. We destroyed two of his armies and his chosen son. He wants vengeance."

"Five fighters. Think about it," I persuaded. "That many vampires is a preliminary assault group, meant to hunt and kill lone members of the covens --"

Mai-Li gasped and whispered several names. Alice trembled at my side. She had seen friends die this way, and understood the danger.

"Carlos doesn't just want New York. He wants to destroy those who've hurt him. All of us are on that list. Alice killed his son in the last coven war, and I killed his mate." _And he has both our scents_, I groaned inwardly.

Ivan's emotions immediately shifted. He was finally aware of the danger, and as any good warrior, he was willing to put aside his anger – for now. After all, "The enemy of my enemy is my friend." It was the one truth of all vampire relationships.

"We will need to know his tactics," Chi-Yang said, nodding at me.

"I'll be glad to share everything I know. Alice is trying to see when and where they will attack." Chi-Yang's eyebrow rose, but he said nothing. "However, we will need to develop a working defense by the morning, or we may be too late."

"So we are facing a masterful strategist who commands a large army that has a tactical advantage and that is bent on our total destruction?" Ivan asked, rubbing his chin in thought.

I nodded. "That's about it."

The huge teddy bear shot me a childlike grin. "Good. That's just the way I like it," he laughed.

"Nevski. What about Nevski of Novgorod? His strategies let him take on far greater forces, even the Golden Horde, by using his knowledge of the land to his benefit?" Vasily asked excitedly.

"I am unaware of this Nevski," I said warily. While we had been able to lay down basic strategy, the other three males in the room seemed to have veritable death wishes when it came to battle. Their answer to the devious methods of Carlos were simply to wait until he attacked, and then fight. Simple and stupid. How they had survived this long was beyond me.

"He was the greatest leader of the city of Novgorod and is the only one who defeated the Golden Horde," answered Lena with sparkling eyes.

"Technically, it wasn't a defeat, just a setback," argued Chi-Yang. As a member of the Mongolian Empire, he wasn't going to accept the word "defeat" from anyone.

"He won and you know it," snapped Ivan with a jab of his thick finger.

"_Just_ tell me what he did," I interrupted with a sigh, hoping to avoid yet another fight.

"He used the lay of the land to his advantage. He drew the battle to the area of his choice using well-laid traps and then let the natural elements work to his favor. He defeated three larger armies that way, and kept the city of Novgorod safe," said Ivan, glaring at Chi-Yang.

"He still paid tribute to us," mumbled Chi-Yang.

"Yes, but the city never _fell_ to you," hissed Vasily.

"Will you three knock it _off_? We need to work together here. Carlos wants to divide and conquer, remember? We really shouldn't help him with that." Alice was frustrated. She was so cute when she was frustrated, though I knew better than to tell her that.

"So, he used a decoy strategy to draw the enemy to battle where he knew he had the advantage?" I asked.

"He cheated," said Chi-Yang.

"You're just mad because he got your army stuck in the mud."

"That's _cheating_."

"No," I said with as much authority as I could muster, "that's good strategy."

Lena broke into the masculine melee, putting her body between the Mongol and the Russians. "Nevski destroyed the Northern Army while they were still on the Neva River because he knew that if they reached the land, he would lose the battle. He fought the Teutonic army by luring them onto a thinly frozen lake that looked like land. The knights wore metal armor and broke through the ice and drowned. He never fought the Horde directly, but he did get their horses stuck in the bogs so that they were in a much less threatening position when he negotiated with them. Stop it, you three!" As she talked, the males darted back and forth, trying to out-glare each other. Their attempts to see around her were hilariously distracting.

"I'm surprised he didn't end up as one of us," said Mai-Li, thinking aloud.

"He was too respected," sighed a resigned Chi-Yang. "And too feared."

"If we can draw them to a place of our choosing, we can regain the tactical advantage. Do you have any maps of New York?" I asked Chi-Yang.

"Old ones," he shrugged.

"They should work. Carlos will send raiding parties against us at first, so we need to _look_ separate but _be_ united. That way, we can draw the small raiding parties to our preferred location, and destroy them," I said.

"But they already know where we live. If he was successful with his spies, they will know everything," protested Mai-Li.

"Which is why we use the city to our advantage, and we only pretend to be separated. If we all hide at one home and that coven pretends to go on with their lives, we can draw them to a spot of our choosing and destroy them together." I couldn't help but smile. _This might actually work._

"I'm only staying at someone else's home if we get to bring our games," grumbled Ivan.

"And our television," whined Vasily.

***

"I don't care how much pressure you put on that, it isn't going to compress any more without exploding." My voice was dripping with sarcasm, but she deserved it.

Alice let out an exasperated sigh and let the lid of the suitcase bounce back. Clothes spewed out and spread over the piles on the bed.

"I know. I just don't want to be caught unprepared," she said as she removed the remaining outfits and tried for the sixth time to trim down the wardrobe she wanted to take.

"Unprepared? Do you need _proper _outfits for battle?" I asked as the grin spread over my face.

She looked up angrily. "Yes, as a matter of fact _I_ do," she snapped. I chuckled at her. Dang it! She was just so cute when she was angry.

"Silk skirts, black high-heeled shoes, and cashmere sweaters are good to fight in?"

"They are my preferred form of battle wear, yes," she snipped at me.

I laughed louder. I could, of course, because my items fit rather neatly into the knapsack and large suitcase Alice had given me. Her clothes, however, spilled into two trunks and several boxes. The two suitcases that she wanted to bring to the house hadn't been big enough to hold the outfits she wanted to take. Her hunting clothes were in her bulging knapsack.

"Fine," she hissed as she took out two dresses and piled them on the open box. We were shipping those up to her place in New Hampshire.

"Now the box won't close," I pointed out. She growled at me. I looked at her angry face and smiled again. Suddenly, she walked to her mirror, took a long look, and then stomped her foot in frustration. Her face became even more childlike.

"What did you do that for?" I asked, dumbfounded.

"I wanted to see if I really am cute when I'm angry."

"And?"

"Why do I _always_ have to look like a child? Couldn't I at least look like an adult when I'm _angry_? I'm _supposed_ to be the spawn of Satan, living death! But _no_, I get stuck looking _cute_ when I'm mad." I realized she wasn't talking to me as she paced back and forth in frustration. I decided not to intrude on her conversation with the sky.

She slumped back on the bed and rubbed her eyes. "Sorry," she said with a wistful glance at me. I shrugged.

"I like that you look cute when you are mad, though it does make it hard to be angry back." Who was I kidding? I _couldn't_ be angry with her.

"Thanks," she said dryly. I pulled her up and walked into the spotless living room to sit with her on the sofa.

We were moving out, or at least she was. We had less than a week to prepare for the first attacks Alice saw, and I wanted to be fully ready. Last night had been the full moon, and the first attacks would occur when the moon was at quarter. That gave us, at most, two days to take care of everything. Besides moving out of her apartment and shipping her beloved items off, Alice had spent most of her time desperately trying to see Carlos and his army. She had been only partly successful, and her frustration and anger were not directed at me.

She snuggled into me as soon as we sat, and I took a blissful moment to simply _be_ with her. Nothing in eighty years could compare with the pleasure of_ being_ with Alice.

"You really don't want to stay here, do you?" she asked after several minutes.

"If by _here_ you mean trapped in a city while waiting to be attacked by a sadistic murderer, then no."

"Yep, that's what I meant by here," she said. "Do you really believe that there are no good covens?"

"No," I said with finality. "I know of some covens that are benign, but _none_ are safe, especially not the larger ones. We are too competitive, too ruthless. I have only one other vampire I trust, and his coven isn't exactly a kind one."

"Peter," she said with certainty. I had forgotten how much she knew.

"Yes, Peter and Charlotte. He is a good man, or at least he was. He was a better vampire than me, that much is for sure. I cannot fathom why he came back for me, and I don't really know if I would have done the same for him. However, Peter would be just as murderous as any other of our kind should the need arise."

"But you are willing to fight for New York?"

"I am willing to fight with them since it's the only way to protect you and save us. I will do _anything_ to protect you," I whispered as I held her tighter. I grimaced as I thought of my new allies. They were decent vampires, and they were truly fond of Alice, but there was something they weren't telling us. I could sense their ambition and their satisfaction now that Alice had returned.

"Anything? Even throw me into a rock wall?" she asked, sounding a little hurt. The image of her body sailing into the canyon wall would forever pierce me with pain. Did she think I would have done that for any other reason?

"Beloved," I began, my voice a gentle exhale, "it nearly broke me to throw you against that wall, but it was the only way to save you. I had to get you away from them and I needed them to think we were enemies. I ran to lead them away from you. It was all to save you. Everything is to save you." She snuggled against me.

"You're fighting along side Ivan and Chi-Yang to save me too, aren't you?"

"It is the only way," I said firmly.

"But you _don't_ want to be here, right?" she persisted.

"No, I don't. I want to be somewhere that I don't have to fight constantly. I want to be somewhere alone with you. I want you to be safe, but I can't keep you safe by myself. At least here, you are protected. They truly like you and don't want you to leave. In fact, I believe they want you to lead them as Paul did." I heard her gasp. "It _is_ logical. You are the most gifted of them all, and there will be more attacks after Carlos, I guarantee it. New York may be the best place for you."

"No," she said as she shook her head. "No. I don't want to lead them. They are my friends, but I will not lead a coven. I don't want that."

"What _do_ you want, beloved?" I asked into her hair, breathing in her intoxicating scent.

"I want to live and love you in peace. I want to be free to celebrate life. I was told once that it is my gift, to live and celebrate life, and I want to use that gift. I am a good fighter, but not a good vampire. I don't even eat humans... much. I don't want to be drawn back into this world of death."

"As long as you are with me, we will always be drawn back to death. Even my scars cause fights. If we don't kill Carlos in this battle, he will keep coming for us. If we do kill him, there will be others. Many others. You cannot stay and protect New York and live in peace. You can't protect _any_ coven and live in peace."

She was silent in my arms, but her emotions roared through her in a complex array of anxious anticipation and dread.

"You are going to have to tell me sometime," I finally chuckled. She let out a small huff of air.

"You know, your gift is incredible, but it is also getting a little annoying."

I chuckled again. "It's not that intrusive. It's not like I read minds, or somthin'."

She let out a sharp and rather hysterical laugh. "Yes, that would be terrible," she said with another giggle. I couldn't imagine why that statement was so funny.

"So are you going to tell me?" My curiosity grew at her odd behavior.

"Jasper, do you remember when I told you about the safe place I know of?" she asked in a hesitant voice.

"Yes," I replied, just as hesitantly.

"It's with another coven, of sorts. They really aren't a coven so much as a family. There are five of them. Five. A father who created them, a mother, and three children that –"

"He changed _children_?" My voice carried with it every ounce of the horror I felt at that simple statement. Immortal children are the one unforgivable sin of the vampire world.

"No, they were young adults like us when they were changed; they just _act_ like kids. Very tall and lethal kids." Her mouth twitched into a smile at that statement.

"You've seen them in your visions?"

She bit her lip and nodded. The look of longing on her lovely face reminded me of a child on Santa's lap. Again, I didn't dare tell her that.

"How do you know he isn't making an army, Alice?" I tried to ask it quietly, but my suspicious nature made the words seem harsh.

"I've seen them almost as long as I've seen you," she shrugged. "These are the ones who eat animals like I do. They are good people, not just a good coven. They live and laugh together. The creator's name is Carlisle, and he is a _doctor_."

She was so fervent, as if all the world depended upon me understanding the impossible idea that our kind could live like a peaceful family. However, in all my years, I had never, ever come across a good coven. It was not our nature, and not a possibility. Yet as I looked into Alice's darkening, ochre eyes, I could not deny that what I had assumed was our nature was utterly foreign to the small angel at my side.

Then her fervent words sunk in.

"Wait, did you say a _doctor_? How is that even _possible_?" I gasped. If I hadn't learned to trust Alice, I would have worried about her sanity.

"It's true -- I've seen him work a few times. Think of it Jasper! A _vampire_ working as a doctor. Doesn't that prove something of his goodness?"

"Maybe. I have to admit, it is brilliant -- it's the perfect cover," I mused. I had never been able to be around bleeding humans, but if I could have stood the scent, a hospital would be the perfect place to feed.

"It's _not_ his cover. They all have eyes like mine," she snapped. Her hands were on her hips and her chin jutted out in annoyance. I fought back my smile.

"What of the rest of them? Are they all as good?" I asked.

Suddenly, she was animated and her dark eyes brightened. Hope overflowed from her.

"Edward was Carlisle's first child, but he stopped being good for a while. Now he is back, and he goes to school. Esme was the second one, and she became Carlisle's mate. She is always working on her house or her flowers. Rosalie was the third and Emmett the fourth, and they became mates as well. They live together and _love_ each other," she finished intently.

"They sound perfect," I hedged, not sure what to make of this odd group of vampires. They sounded like sissies. I could not imagine any vampire doing any of the things she had mentioned. "In fact, they sound_ too_ good. Don't any of them act like vampires?"

"Only in that they are always behind the times. Really, they dress abhorrently! They try to fit in, but they are at least five years behind in fashion. It's like they don't even care."

She looked at me with her wide eyes and very serious face. It took all my eighty years of training to hold back the laugh that was building to an explosive intensity within me.

"Do you mean to tell me that the_ only_ similarity they bear to others of our kind is a bad sense of fashion? Do you see that as a _vampire_ trait?" My voice shook with the effort of containing the humor that was so evident in this situation.

"Isn't that enough?"

That was it. I couldn't hold it back. Just as soon as the laughter began, she leapt off the sofa and smacked me in the arm, but I couldn't stop. To her, the worst part of this coven of misfits wasn't that they were an abomination like the rest of us, but that they dressed poorly in the part.

"Jasper!" she yelled with a stomp of her foot. The stomp did it to me again, and a fresh wave of laughter earned me another arm slap.

"I'm sorry... I'm... so...sorry," I gasped, trying to get the words out between chortles. I put my hands up to show my defeat.

"You just don't know how odd it is to have a massive coven described in this manner. The only vampiric tendency they have is bad fashion sense? Do you have any idea of how insane that is?"

"You weren't exactly well dressed when I found you," she said in a huff as she crossed her thin arms. She had me there.

"These people are important to you, aren't they?" I asked as my amusement subsided.

"They taught me more about living life than anyone else. I don't remember ever having a family, and Carlisle's always seemed like the one I was supposed to have. I know it sounds strange, but they are safe and happy. Wouldn't you rather stay with a safe and happy coven?"

"I would rather not stay with _any_ coven. However, if you insist that they are good, then I believe you." She wanted me to go with her to find them. I understood now what the torn feelings she felt earlier meant. She wanted me to join her and find their coven. The only problem with that was that if I was going to join _any_ coven, it wasn't going to be one full of sissy vampires who gardened. No. If we were to join a coven, it needed to be a strong one with veteran fighters like New York. At least they could defend themselves.

"You still don't want to meet them, do you?" she said sadly.

"No, beloved. I want you safe."

"They _are_ safe," she said, misunderstanding me. "Their coven leader wears loafers and Argyle sweaters, for Pete's sake."

That was my point exactly.

***

I watched Alice's beautiful, lithe form stand utterly erect. She looked for all the world like a wingless fairy child standing amidst the trees. There was something powerfully alluring about her here in the wild, and my eyes continued to wander along the subtle curves of her body as she prepared to hunt.

I knew that she was only partly aware of me. Her eyes would loose focus for brief moments as her mind sought her prey. I was looking forward to seeing this hunt, and I was glad of the excuse to watch my mate's body so intently. In any other situation, the focus I was giving her would have been inappropriate. Of course, my body was more than willing to focus on her no matter where we were, a recent development that held a sweet promise for the future.

I was so busy looking at her poised body, that I didn't notice the dark eyes boring into me until she cleared her throat. My eyes snapped back up to her face. I couldn't tell from it, or from her emotions, whether she was annoyed or not, but the small twitch of her mouth indicated that she enjoyed being watched so intently.

"You're making me nervous," she quipped with another twitch to her mouth. "I've never hunted with someone else, and it's rather distracting." Her eyes swiftly ran down the length of me, and then she looked away. If we had had more time, I would have gone to her to test my body's new found interest in her. I didn't know if my emotional state was prepared to take Alice as my mate fully, but my body was telling me in no uncertain terms that it was. My fingers tingled with the need for her skin.

Just before I could act on my desires, she suddenly leapt forward and began her rapid run. I let a curse fly as I followed her. Why did my body and mind choose _this_ location to come to an agreement? It was infuriating.

She ran for some time, going deeper into the forest and gaining in altitude, until she suddenly lunged forward into the arms of a black bear. I had to stop myself from aiding her. Even though I was utterly aware of her indestructibility, I could not quite get over the panicked feeling of seeing her leap into the arms of the predator.

Of course, within seconds, the bear was on the ground, unconscious from the loss of blood. My stomach lurched and clenched as I saw her feed. Not because it was upsetting; no, this was much easier to watch and endure than hunting a human. In fact, the complete lack of emotions was an incredible relief. The slight sick feeling, which was new to me, came from a bargain I had made with Alice. If I would try to hunt with her, and taste her food, if she would not ask to eat outside the city again until it was safe. And it was time to live up to my part of the bargain. I swallowed hard and tried to look nonchalant, but Alice only giggled when she hopped up and looked at me.

"It's not that bad," she said, rolling her eyes, "and the chase is fun."

I sniffed the dead beast and swallowed again.

"It stinks. How can you stand the stench of that thing?" It's heavy musky odor was not enticing. The only marginally pleasant scent came from the blood oozing from the slash in the bear's neck. I bent forward, and licked.

"It doesn't taste," I said flatly. "How can you eat when it doesn't taste?"

"It tastes like blood, and you know it. Besides, you promised," she huffed at me.

I had. I was now regretting that promise more and more. I had hoped that trying a predator would be at least similar to eating a human, but nothing called to me from this creature's blood. I had lived for the taste of blood for eighty years. It was my sole source of pleasure and happiness. The small hope that I had at last found a way to finally live at peace with myself was fading rapidly with each breath as I continued to smell the vile, dead thing at my feet.

"Oh, for heaven's sake, Jasper! It's not that bad."

"Do you_ smell _that thing? How can it be not bad?"

"You have been a soldier for seventy years, and you're afraid of _this_?" She shook a paw at me. "Aren't you the least bit curious?"

"Nope. Never have been."

"Chicken." She was trying to tease me. Her words didn't tempt me; her eyes did. Behind the lighthearted teasing, Alice's eyes dimmed in sadness. I looked at her, strengthened my resolve, and smiled.

"So, where is my meal?"

She held up a small finger, and let her eyes go blank. She shifted once, and her eyes came back to me, raking over my form.

"Am I bothering you?" I asked, amused. Hopefully, Alice was having the same issues with focus as I'd had.

"Yes, actually. I'm not used to having an audience. If you would wipe that look off your face, it would be easier," she snipped.

I tried, but when I saw her frown at me, I sniggered. She huffed at me, so I turned away while she sought out what I would be forced to hunt.

I felt it when she came back to me, and she gave a quick chirp of delight and clapped her hands.

"Wolves!" she said brightly. "Well, at least, mostly wolves. Many of them have bred with dogs now, but the blood tastes the same. Follow me."

We headed due north, until I caught the unmistakable scent of dog. Wet dog. My stomach did another somersault as I steeled myself, and matched her pace to go in for the kill. We were on them before I was ready.

Normally, I don't think when I kill. I am focused only on the overwhelming pleasure of the blood and the need to block the feelings of my prey. But this time, I had to stay in the hunt. The wolves sensed us and began a rapid run for escape. I had never had to run after my prey, and that, at least, was enjoyable. My hunter's instincts found my target, and I jumped for him, my teeth finding their mark as my arms wrapped around the torso. The old wolf fought vainly for a moment, and then went limp in my arms. His warm blood filled me, but that was all. There was no rush of intense pleasure, no overwhelming joy at the taste and feeling, no climax. I was fed, but not in ecstasy.

And I also wasn't in pain.

I looked at the wet, stinking body on the ground and wondered if the trade was worth it. I wondered if there were any way that I would ever see an animal as a good replacement for the sheer indulgence that is human blood.

Then I saw Alice's brilliant smile and wondered if there was any way not to.

"Gold is a good color for your eyes," she said in triumph.

"It worked that fast?" I asked in amazement. She nodded.

"I don't remember what color my eyes were," I said quietly. I had been a vampire so long that in the few, clouded memories of my human self, I had crimson eyes. The ramifications of that fact hit me, and I sat down heavily on the grass. I had lost even the memory of my humanity to the incarnate evil of my existence. Alice's body pressed against my side, molding itself to me. Her hand found mine, and she purposefully sent me comfort.

"I don't know if I can do this," I said, not watching her. "My belly is full, but the thirst remains. I don't feel… satisfied. It's like I didn't eat at all. I have lived for blood, for the incredible pleasure it gives, for too long. I _don't_ know if I can do this," I mumbled miserably. Alice moved to sit in front of me, perched on my outstretched leg.

"The thirst won't go away, not like it does with human blood. I just put up with the pain of the burn to avoid the pain of death. Even I slip, though. I hate it when I slip," she looked down and I could feel the deep remorse behind her words. "But it does get easier with practice. It will take a while, but please, Jasper, _please _don't give up. You've eaten, and it didn't cause you pain. Isn't that something?" Her eyes were immeasurably sad as they looked at me. She had hoped, as I had, that this would somehow magically work. I held her close, and cursed our short time again. Dawn was coming, and we would need to be back. It struck me then that for the first time in eighty years, I would be able to roam freely among the humans on this cloudy day. In response to my new freedom, the vampire within me growled with anticipation. He had not been convinced at all.

"I won't give up. Promise," I said, though the words felt false and hollow as they fell from my mouth. I wrapped my arms around her in an attempt to anchor myself to the simple good thing that Alice was. It seemed as though that goodness, the thing I longed to take in to myself, lay just beyond my reach.

**Alice**

If Jasper had been any more intense in his stare, I would have sworn he was able to see through my clothing. His eyes swept up and down my body, not looking at my eyes until I decided he needed to look elsewhere. I should have been angry at his obvious attention to my body, but rather than making me angry, it thrilled me.

I cleared my throat loudly, and his eyes darted up to my face.

"You're making me nervous," I complained as I tried not to smile. "I've never hunted with someone else, and it's rather distracting." He didn't answer, but continued to stare at me with an odd intensity. I went back to searching the future when a quick vision of a black bear flashed through my mind. I was off and running instantly. I had never hunted with another before, and the feeling of being followed was unnerving, even if I did know who it was. It only took a few moments for me to overtake the bear, and then with a few quick motions, dinner was served.

I drank deeply, enjoying the hot flavor of the bear's blood, and then a swallowing sound brought me out of my reverie. I looked over the nearly drained animal to see Jasper standing close by, sniffing the bear and looking sick. I didn't know vampires _could_ look green.

"It's not that bad," I said with a roll of my eyes, "and the chase is fun."

He sniffed at the bear, looked even greener than before, and swallowed hard.

"It stinks. How can you stand the stench of that thing?" Before I could answer, he leaned down and licked the blood from the bear's neck.

"It doesn't taste. How can you eat when it doesn't taste?" He looked positively ill.

"It tastes like blood, and you know it. Besides, you promised," I reminded him.

He didn't move or change expressions. "Oh, for heaven's sake, Jasper! It's not that bad."

He took one more deep breath and looked at me with an incredulous face. "Do you _smell_ that thing? How can it not be bad?"

"You have been a soldier for seventy years, and you're afraid of _this_?" I teased as I held up the paw of the dead beast. "Aren't you the least bit curious?"

"Nope. Never have been."

"Chicken." I flashed my eyes at him and dared him to hunt.

He swallowed hard and took the bait. "Where is my meal?"

I tried to look to my next meal, urging the visions to show me. Normally when I hunt, I focus only on the scents and movements around me, and I can easily find my prey. Then I simply become the hunt.

Today, though, my focus and instincts were on the tall man who stood nearby, watching me with a look of curious disgust on his face. It was more disgusted than curious. I sighed.

"Am I bothering you?" His voice was smug.

"Yes, actually. I'm not used to having an audience." I knew I should have just raided the zoo. "If you would wipe that look off your face, it would be easier."

He shifted and made his face an emotionless mask. Then he sniggered.

I let out an exasperated huff of air, and went back to focusing my mind on finding our prey. We had decided to have me hunt before joining the others so that it would be out of the way, and he had promised to try an animal. I hoped to make Jasper appreciate how fun and easy it was to hunt animals, but it wasn't working well so far. Jasper remained disgustedly distant. The prey that finally came into my mind gave me a surge of joy. Wolves. They were delicious.

"I won't give up. Promise." But I knew he already had given up. I tried not to allow the frustration I felt to overcome me. I didn't want to send it to Jasper, not with the disappointment so plainly written on his perfect face. When his arms encompassed me, I focused only on the pride I still felt. In truth, he hadn't wanted to hunt like this, and I was just happy he was willing to at least taste animal blood. However, I couldn't deny the disappointment I felt. It was ridiculous to hope that it would simply click for him. I had spent an entire winter alone, and it had taken me the whole time to get used to the empty fullness that animal blood brought. Even in his arms, the mere mention of the comparison between the tasteless, joyless blood I had just drunk and the rich, almost erotic taste of human blood made my mouth fill with venom. I knew he would eat again when we got back to the city. He simply would have to. I refocused my mind on how proud I was of him, and was rewarded with a swift but cloudy vision of us hunting in the mountains together. At least it was a possibility now, and that would need to be enough.

Perhaps Carlisle, with all his experience and years of practice, could teach Jasper better than I. I tried to follow that thought up with a vision of the family, but for some reason, those visions had faltered and stopped when I had found Jasper. It was almost as though finding him had removed them from my path for some reason, and that fact bothered me. I wanted both my mate and my family, because in those visions, I had seemed so free and happy.

In those visions, so very hazy and far off, Jasper's eyes had been yellow.

"I'm sorry," he said as I tucked myself deeper into his chest.

"You have nothing to be sorry for. It takes time, Jasper. We can't just change what we are, but with time and practice, you can gain control of the monster that lives in us all."

"It gets better," he said, partly as a question and partly as a wish. I lifted my head and kissed him along the chin line. I expected him to pull away, but his lips were suddenly pressing against mine.

His hand went behind my head and his fingers locked into my hair. The kiss was passionate and desperate, and wonderful. When he finally broke away from me, I was still willing to continue.

"We have to go," he whispered hoarsely. I mumbled a very unladylike reply, and his deep chuckles filled the quickly lightening forest around us.

* * *

Let me answer three questions that I have been recently asked. First, they go looking for the Cullens soon. Second, yes, they do consummate their relationship, and it is before they go to find the family. Third, this is a T-rated story, so, no, it will not contain lemons.

I have three wonderful writers whose work you might enjoy:

The Sound and The Fury

Xaipre

Justine Lark

Edwina Cullen

EliseShaw

Essay33

All are beautiful people and brilliant writers with wonderful clean stories to read.

Please let me know what you think of Jasper's first hunt. Did it go like you thought it might?


	11. Chapter 11: The Eternal Sky

Hello everyone!

Thanks so much for reading this next chapter. Sometimes conflict brings about resolution in other areas. Jasper and Alice are slowly moving towards forever, but they need a little push now and then.

Thanks to Remylebeauishot and EverAndAlways for beta reading!

Stephenie Meyer owns the Twilight series and all its characters. I own the original characters and plot. I also own a well used snow shovel and I'm pretty sure Mrs. Meyer doesn't have one of those!

* * *

_**Alice**_

Jasper watched me intently as we ran. He asked dozens of questions, laughing freely at each of my bizarre answers. His eyes, golden and lovely, glowed, and my chest warmed just looking at him. It only lasted for a short time, but I relished every moment.

His mood shifted instantly when we reached the outskirts of the city. His hand gripped mine in desperation rather than love, and his eyes lost their shine. Jasper tensed, looking like a hunted animal with his senses searching everywhere for the hint of a threat. Even though he had no need of smoked lenses, he avoided any eye contact with the humans we met. Except for the stares of several women, no one paid much attention to us as we strolled down the streets under an umbrella. The rain had come just as I had foreseen, and while it hid our identity, it also washed away any trace of vampires.

We had chosen Ivan's home as our base of operations because of its central location and the fact that several tunnels ran into the basement from surrounding points in the city. They had been used during the years of Prohibition, and now were quite handy for sneaking in and out. The real reason, however, was that the Russian brothers wouldn't leave the houseful of toys they had acquired over the years, and no one could _stand_ listening to them whine.

It wasn't until we were within sight of Ivan's home that we caught the first scent of the intruders. My body instantly reacted. I tensed and let out a low growl. Jasper, whose arm was linked in mine, sent out a wave of calm immediately. He was used to battle and hadn't altered his stance at all, and the only hint of his caution was his rapidly scanning eyes.

I let him guide my steps as my mind rapidly searched for possible attack. After a few dozen feet, he quietly hissed, "Anything?"

I shook my head, and we strolled to Ivan's home walking leisurely to anyone who saw us, but fully tensed for battle.

My knock was only cursory. Jasper shoved the wooden door open without waiting for an answer, and we stepped inside to face a worried looking Lena. The quiet click of the door's latch echoed loudly through the house.

"Did you notice anything?" she asked in a rush.

"Two scents. Where are the others?" Jasper's voice was remarkably commanding.

"Setting up downstairs. We've also caught their scents today, and Mai-Li thinks she smelled them earlier this week. Ivan wants to know what to do with them."

We rushed down into the basement of Ivan's massive home. Behind the huge boiler was a secret chamber that led to the tunnels. This is where our base of operation was. Maps of the city covered the walls, each with circles and scribbles on them, noting both good and bad locations for battle.

Ivan was crouched over yet another map when we arrived.

"They followed Jasper and Alice," Lena said as she went to stand by her mate. All eyes turned to Jasper.

"They are probably just reconnaissance," Jasper stated firmly. "When Carlos sends in assassins, there are at least three. Two open the attack and draw it to the desired location, and a third one jumps in to finish it off. He learned the tactic from the Volturi, and he's become a master of it. Alice hasn't seen an attack yet, so these two will probably watch us and report to Carlos."

"I don't like waiting. Wouldn't it be better to simply kill the spies and be done with it?" said Ivan, impatient as always.

I heard a small sigh from Jasper; he was tired of Ivan's constant desire to get himself killed.

"We are choosing our battle fields with care, remember? We need them to think that we are unaware of the approaching army. If Carlos gets so much as a whiff that we are ready for him, he will draw back and wait. He knows he has all eternity to launch an attack, and _that_ is what makes him so hard to kill. He's patient and meticulous," explained Jasper.

"So when do we attack?" asked Chi-Yang.

"When Alice sees a group of three or more. Then one or two of us will lead them to a place of our choosing, draw them into battle, and the others will descend on them. We use his own tactic against him," Jasper said with a humorless smile. "It will work so long as we stay together and coordinate perfectly."

"What about the main army? We will still need to fight them," countered Mai-Li.

"I'm hoping to break up the army by killing off the smaller groups first. Carlos will have perhaps a dozen trained newborns controlled by a few captains as his main force, and then perhaps three or four groups of the specialized attackers. The newborn army will be easier to fight if we can get rid of the older soldiers _first,_" said Jasper as I felt him use his gift to instill trust in him.

He did this so easily, leading us into battle, and I could see why he was such a formidable warrior. His face was now cold, calculating, and ruthless - none of the caring man that ran with me through the forest was left. I shuddered at what I saw, because if Jasper was right, the heartless killer he had become would need to remain if we stayed in New York.

"What have you seen, Alice?" asked Mai-Li. Everyone's eyes were on me.

"Nothing concrete. The spies haven't decided to do anything yet, but I'll keep looking," I said, trying to hide my own frustration. So much of this battle was dependent on my visions, and if I failed, their deaths would be my fault. I looked to Jasper's tall form, now leaning over the map-filled table and felt a wave of panic. Who would we lose if I failed?

The planning room had only a few pieces of furniture, but it suddenly felt too small and constricting, so I returned to the main floor and sat on the stairs where no one from the outside could see me. I knew I should be focused on finding Carlos's army, but I found myself thinking of Carlisle's family instead. I _needed_ to see them now. I needed to know that there was a future for us that didn't include death, but I could not make their images come to me. I felt abandoned, which was irrational, I knew, but they had always been my source of comfort, and now that I needed them, they weren't here.

I wondered again what I had done to change our path so that they were no longer in my future. I wrapped my arms around myself to ease the ache and tried to see Carlos's soldiers in earnest. Brief images of running and perhaps fighting were all that I caught. I knew why, of course, but the remedy to it seemed reckless. After two hours, my head was splitting from the useless effort. I hadn't seen anything, and I knew that we were taking the wrong approach. I stood and returned to the basement to tell the others what I needed.

The second my foot found the bottom step, they all stood expectantly. I swallowed, wondering if I should talk to Jasper first.

No, this would need to be a group decision.

"I can't see anything until a decision is made, and I think we need to be the ones to make it. If we send out an individual or a pair, and lead them into the trap by our own choice, then I can get a vision," I said.

"I'll do it," volunteered Ivan a little too quickly and cheerfully.

"That was fast," mumbled Lena, mirroring my thoughts.

"I hate waiting here for an attack; it gives me the heebee jeebees. I would rather draw them out and the more of them the better," he added with an evil grin.

Jasper looked at him in disbelief and shrugged. "Okay, we have the beginnings of a plan. Where do you want to go?"

"The fights. I like to go every Saturday, and a good boxing match will put me in a good mood," he laughed.

"Be careful who you kill this time," growled Vasily. "Last time you ate ring side, it took a while to clean up."

Ivan looked sheepishly at his brother. "Eating there is part of the fun. The blood and sweat from the boxers whets the appetite, and eating in a crowd adds a little excitement."

"Exhibitionist," hissed Chi-Yang. Ivan just smiled.

"Show me where it is," sighed Jasper, turning to the maps.

I turned from the room but didn't make it back to the stairs before the vision hit. I was suddenly looking down from a large building in a dirty neighborhood. I could hear the noisy crowd exiting the below me, but that wasn't what caught my attention. On the building to my right I could see the shadowy form of a vampire looking down. He motioned to someone across the street, and a vampire leapt down from a building there.

"They will attack him as he leaves," I said flatly without turning around. I had just sent my Russian teddy bear into a trap.

XOXOXOXOX

From the sounds of the crowd, the boxing match had just finished when the third vampire arrived. The two whose scents we had caught earlier had followed Ivan to the fights. Actually, they got there ahead of him. They must have been watching the New York covens for a while now, because they knew exactly where Ivan would go on a Saturday night. Four of us had formed a wide ring around the arena and now had the three vampires and Ivan in the center of it.

Our greatest danger lay in the overly eager and self-assured attitude of the Russians. Vasily was already primed for the kill when we left the house following Ivan, and even though Jasper had warned us several times that these were trained assassins, I was afraid one of the big Russians would try to take them on alone.

As planned, after the fights, Ivan exited the building and headed across the city to the railroad tracks to finish his meal. This was another of his habits, and we wanted the killers to think that this was a normal Saturday. They took the bait and followed him. Chi-Yang and Vasily were already at the depot, waiting in ambush by an oil tank. Mai-Li and Lena were running abreast of Ivan and his followers, and Jasper and I took up the rear. All of us had to stay far enough away from the assassins to remain hidden, which meant that Jasper and I had to follow more by scent than sight.

We heard the roars of vampires and crashes of rock against rock before we were near the depot. All caution abandoned, we rushed forward to join the battle. Just as we reached the outer buildings around the track, I saw that one of the assassins would make a break for it, so I turned mid-stride to meet the fleeing vampire just as he emerged from a narrow alley.

I was on him so quickly that he barely had time to yelp before my arms encircled his neck from behind. This vampire was used to battle, however, and immediately gripped my arms and threw himself into a somersault, pounding me into the asphalt so hard that it shattered beneath us. I heard an enraged roar and felt the attacker's arm release me. A sharp clang echoed from the walls as Jasper ripped the arm from his body. I pulled at his head, and Jasper yanked at his other arm. They came off at the same time with loud, metallic cracks. I fell back against the street again, but before I hit, Jasper's hands caught me. He was furious.

"Don't you_ ever_ do that again, Alice," he said, looking utterly like the vampire he was.

"I couldn't let him get away," I countered angrily. I stomped my foot on the writhing torso.

"You could give me some warnin'. Dartin' off like that will get you killed in this war," he seethed.

"I can take care of myself," I snapped with another foot stomp. An arm was trying to get away. He just growled at me.

The sudden silence told me that the fight was over, and we gathered the flailing remains of the vampire and joined the others at the sweet smelling pyre between boxcars. I was still miffed, and Jasper looked like he still wanted to kill something. Really, his need to keep me protected from _everything_ was maddening.

No one spoke as the flames licked across the wriggling bodies, quickly turning them to powdery ash. I braced myself for what I knew was coming. The others would ensure that no human who might have seen us would ever have the chance to tell what had just happened. They had to, of course, but I hated this part of a battle more than anything. My silent chest ached, and not just for the few humans who would be killed. A vision showed me that Jasper's eyes were about to return to crimson.

I closed my eyes, and crossed my arms, and willed a vision of the happy, yellow-eyed vampires to fill my mind. I heard the others leave, the brief struggles of the humans, and a cry that was silenced by a gurgle. I kept my mind focused on the family whose presence I so longed for, but nothing came. Nothing at all.

When I opened my eyes, the flames were dying and the others were standing around them. Jasper was across from me, his head down. I tried not to feel the disappointment that flooded me. I had no right to be disappointed, none at all. I would have never been able to give up human blood if I hadn't been far from humans when I first tried. The strong scent of blood lingered in the air, and even now, it called to me like a siren song willing me to break my concentration for just a moment of pure joy. No, I could not expect Jasper to resist it yet, but I had truly wanted him to try. He finally looked up at me, and I tried to greet his beautiful face with a smile, but he only looked away again. My smile did nothing to ease the feelings I'm sure he felt.

Without a word, we began to walk back to Ivan's home. I reached out for Jasper's hand, and he gripped mine firmly but still did not meet my gaze.

"A good first battle," said Chi-Yang, with a pleased tone. "If we can lure them away like this, we may stand a chance."

"It was too easy," grumbled Ivan.

I should have felt pleased that we had won the first battle, but somehow I felt that I was slowly losing my war.

XOXOXOXOXOX

I saw no other visions of either spies or assassins for the next three days. The only visions I had were of the attacking army of newborns, and though the location changed often, the fact that they wanted us in a large, open building did not. I had no idea why, but this was apparently set in Carlos's mind. He wanted us in an enclosed area.

I felt like I was locked in the teeth of a tightening trap, even though we had easily dealt with the intruders, the threat continued to grow, and. Everyone looked to me to tell them when to move and what to do; my ability was the key to our survival, and the weight of that responsibility was suffocating. Even though I was surrounded by my kind constantly, I felt utterly alone. I missed my family. I missed _my_ Jasper.

He was there, of course, always near me, but he wasn't_ him._ He had become the guarded and empty man I had met fourteen days ago.

Fourteen days.

It seemed like such a short time compared to the twenty-eight years I had waited, and yet I had been reborn in that time. Once Jasper arrived, everything slowed, every minute held a new wonder and a new reason to live. In that time, Jasper had come to life, and had become the mate I had always dreamed of, but now that man was slipping away as the monstrous soldier took his place.

I numbly went kept up the charade of our lives as I watched Jasper slip further and further away from me. We intended to lead any new spies on a goose chase of sorts, leaving our scents in places that we wanted to use to our advantage. Our forays through the city were like a complicated dance with deadly intentions. Each in turn would walk the same streets and visit the same shops, trying to show a pattern to any who were watching, while the others kept a vigil from a distance.

By the end of the three days, two figures began following Chi-Yang and Mai-Li. Once I saw their faces, my visions went into overdrive. I could see the spies everywhere and the coming army, but I couldn't see a specific attack.

"I get these two," said Chi-Yang with a mischievous smile when he returned. "I'll go alone to the next clan meeting. That should pull them out."

"I think we should flip a coin," grumbled Vasily who was apparently more than ready for his turn.

"I'm the oldest."

"We're eternal, age doesn't count. Flip a coin and make it fair," whined Vasily, who wanted to add to his kill numbers. The century old running tally of kills was a major source of both pride and competition between the males, and was one of the main reasons that they seemed almost suicidal in their need to attack any adversaries. Vasily was down by a dozen and was itching to run his macabre numbers up.

"Why don't we let Alice tell us who to use as bait," suggested Jasper. I felt their eyes turn to me again.

"It's strange," I began, still trying to push my mind to show me our future. "Last time we were able to force the fight by choice, but this time, the visions don't change." No matter how hard I searched, visions wouldn't shift. Something had changed.

"Ha!" crowed Vasily triumphantly. "I told you. My turn."

"I don't think that's it," I said slowly. "I think the whole plan has shifted. Carlos has lost two groups of fighters within three weeks. I believe he has changed tactics."

"So, what then, do we_ wait_?" Ivan huffed impatiently.

"We give it a few days, keep watching, and if nothing changes, we try a new tactic of our own," said Jasper with calm finality. "We can't rush Carlos, and getting cocky or sloppy will only end in disaster. We will continue with our façade for the next few days, and Alice will continue to keep watch," he turned to me and nodded. I tried to smile in return but failed miserably. "If worse comes to worse, we will try to force his main army into a battle. I may have a fail safe plan to do that."

Something in his words ran up my spine like spider legs. He hadn't told me of his plan, which was unusual, and the only reason he would have for not telling me was that I wouldn't like it. That worried me.

Unfortunately, I didn't have much of a chance to corner him on his little plan because we rarely had any time alone. We were always surrounded by the others as we prepared for battle, and when there was a spare moment, the men crowded onto the sofas to watch television.

They were so enthralled with the wooden box that we were now in danger of being overrun without even putting up a fight. Had Carlos known how utterly hypnotic the effect of television was on the average male vampire, he would have given up on New York and tried taking over the world during prime time.

The men would be hunched over maps or deciding routes when Ivan or Vasily would suddenly call out, "Time!" Then they would dart from the room to place themselves in front of the small, iridescent circle and become fixated on whatever was on the screen. Usually, it was a baseball game or boxing match of some sort, though Chi-Yang also loved the musical performances.

"Please tell me this is just a fad," groaned Lena after the second day of no new developments.

I had one quick vision of an even larger box with colorful images of cowboys flashing across it. "Nope," I said with a decidedly popped p.

"Well, I'm sick of it," hissed Mai-Li over the victorious roar of the men. Someone had scored in whatever they were watching. "Chi-Yang would rather sit in front of that than enjoy my company. I'm about ready to crush that thing."

"It wouldn't take much," I nodded, looking at the tiny screen in the midst of the wooden box. The antennae of the box were covered with tin foil which extended out like some robotic web so that the picture was clear.

Suddenly, Lena jumped up and shrieked, "They're here! We're under attack!"

Vasily just raised his hand, and without looking, growled, "Be quite! I missed the score."

"We're dead," grumbled Mai-Li in disgust.

XOXOXOXOXOX

I sat alone and hidden under the window of the second story drawing room. I couldn't look out of it, of course, because that would give our location away. I just wanted to get away and think for a while. My mind and heart needed a rest. But I couldn't seem to rest in the dark room. Too much was happening, and too much inside me had changed. Even the sound from the city street was different. I hadn't noticed before how much more noise there was now. When I had first moved to New York so many years ago, the streets were quiet. Horses could still be heard among the pedestrians, and only a few cars roared down the road. Now, the constant sound of cars never completely went away, even at night. So much had changed.

I sighed, and looked up at the thin strip of stars that were visible from my position. Only a few shone through the artificial light of the city, but those blinking, distant lights were the only constant thing in my life. Everything else I knew and loved had changed, died, or left me.

I both heard and felt Jasper as he came into the room. Without a word, he came to sit by me.

"What is it?" he asked gently as his arm went around me. We hadn't had much time to simply touch since we had come here six days ago. I melted into him, relieved to find _my _Jasper next to me.

"I miss you." The simple words carried my longing in their tone.

"It will be over soon, I promise," he said with a kiss on my head.

I shook my head against his chest. "I miss _you_," I said again, sending a wave of both longing and love. "The you who felt and smiled and laughed. I miss that man. I know you can't be him right now, I know you need to be a soldier and lead us, but I miss the other you," I finished miserably. I knew I was being selfish and shouldn't complain, but the last few days had worn on me. I wanted to be enveloped in the light of Jasper's love so badly it burned me, but I couldn't do it here.

He leaned his head against the wall and looked out the window above us.

"You don't know how much I want to go back to being that man. But I just can't live in both worlds. I can't be a killer and remain humane." Frustration sharpened his words.

"We can leave," I whispered.

"This is the best place for you. You could live here, with your friends and shop at all the stores you want. You have already made a good life for yourself here. Why change it?" I could feel his words making sense to me. He loved me and wanted me protected, and this city was a safe place for us. His words made me want to stay, made me want to believe that New York could finally be my home.

So I hit him. Hard.

"Jasper Whitlock, don't you ever use your gift like that on me again!"

He just smiled his half smile at me. "I had to try, darlin'. These vampires want you to stay, and I think that deep down, you would like that too."

He was right. The more I stayed here, the harder it was to leave. And now that I couldn't even see my family, there were few reasons to run away. After all this was over, maybe Jasper and I could buy a home and settle here. He was getting along so well with the others now, and we could wait until clear visions of Carlisle's family returned before trying to set out blindly to find them.

Then I realized that I was sitting below a window hiding from would be assassins under orders from a maniacal murderer to kill us. And this was normal for a seated coven in a large city. So long as we stayed here, we would always need to be prepared for an attack. Jasper would always be a soldier. Yet the lure of staying in the only home I had truly called my own was strong. My feelings were as convoluted as my visions right now.

I settled back into Jasper and sighed as I looked back up at the stars. Jasper followed my gaze.

"The only unchanging thing we have," he said in a velvet smooth voice. It was eerie how well he knew my thoughts.

"I was just thinking about how much the world has changed since I first saw the sun. It seems the only unchanging thing is the night sky. It must be even worse for you."

"This world looks nothing like the one I was born in. Even the air is different. I've spent countless hours watching the night sky and memorizing it, just as you would the face of a good friend. The only other thing that hasn't changed is death," he said in his deep timbre.

"Thanks, that's a pleasant thought."

He shrugged. "It's the truth."

"'Death is our life,'" I said, quoting Paul. I hated those words when he spoke them, and I loathed them now. Death wasn't life. It wasn't even a clean cut ending, unless it was yours. Death cut deeply and left a festering wound that never properly healed.

"Yes," he said, as if it was the simplest truth around.

"No."

"What is that supposed to mean? You're a vampire, Alice. No matter what you do or what you eat, you will always want blood. You will always kill, and you will always be a member of the dead."

"No, I won't. I want to be a part of _life_ Jasper. There is so much of it, and for all the pain and suffering of the living, it is a beautiful thing. I want to live."

"You don't even have a beating heart, Beloved," he said with a voice full of compassion. "It died with the human you once were. We are the living dead, and all the wishing in the world can't change that fact."

"So you believe we are eternally damned, soulless monsters?" I asked sadly.

"I don't know if there is an eternity or a God or if I ever had a soul. All I know is that my heart once beat, and now it's silent. I know I once was a mortal man of flesh and bone, and now I am immortal stone, unyielding and unchanging. I am condemned to walk this earth eternally thirsting for innocent blood and dying every time I drink. Until you came along, I was pretty sure this was hell," he chuckled darkly.

"If I'm a monster, how can I love you so purely?" I asked, sending him as potent a feeling of love as I could muster. He reacted by pulling me into his lap and wrapping his arms around me. His love enveloped me, deep and smooth like his voice.

"You threw a wrench in my whole notion of how the world worked, you know. You came along as an angel amidst the demons, and nothing of what you are makes any sense at all. You almost make me believe in the possibility of heaven."

"Almost?"

"Almost is a mighty big step for me," he chuckled, but then became suddenly serious. "Alice, tell me how to make you happy. Tell me what I can do for you."

I made sure my reply matched the emotions I couldn't hide. "I want to know what you're not telling me. I want you to tell me what it is you are planning to do. I know it's something bad, or you would have discussed it with me."

He took a deep breath and slowly spoke. "Carlos is a master strategist. He is either biding his time, or he will do something to lure us into complacency. We need to give him something to force him into action; something he can't possibly turn down. We need -"

"No! Jasper, no! I won't let you!" I was nearly shrieking the words.

"I have to, Alice. I think we can make it work."

I was shaking all over at the mere thought of it. My head shook rapidly in denial as I grabbed his shirt. I felt as if I needed to hold him here. Yet even as I tried to convince him that he mustn't use himself as bait, the vision of that action hit me clear and concise.

He was running through a large open area, and vampires were surrounding him. They leapt at him, but three others came from behind to rip into the attackers. Jasper didn't fall under the attack, but I didn't see it all before I was drawn back into the sitting room.

"That was it, wasn't it? It will work," he said nodding.

I tried to speak to him, but an angry growl was all I could get out.

"Alice, it will work. I'll have the others follow me from a distance. I've done this kind of thing before. Stop growling and listen to reason," he said in exasperation.

I tried to swallow the burning anger that was now rising in my throat. I pushed off of him, shoving him into the wall so hard that it cracked. Then I whirled on him, and let the anger I felt flow freely.

"Don't you talk down to me, Jasper! You keep complaining about the suicidal vampires in this house, and here you are, the worst of the lot! I can't let you do this Jasper. Whether it works or not, I can't. Don't you understand? I need you protected too." My voice trembled with rage.

"If you want to end this war, I have to go and draw out the enemy. It's the only way to ensure that the battle is fought on our terms. Did you see me fall in battle? Did it work or not?" I felt him soothe me, but I didn't want to be soothed. I wanted him to be safe. I shook my head and wrapped my arms around myself.

"You've been planning this from the beginning, haven't you? You were going to offer yourself to him if we couldn't find a way to fight," I said quietly. The horror of the sacrifice he was willing to make for me erased the rage and replaced it with pure, cold fear.

"When I realized that Carlos had your scent, I knew the only way to end this was to trick his army into a battle. The fact that the others are willing to fight for their city gave me a chance to come up with a plan that I think will work. But, yes, I will go to Carlos myself if it will keep you safe." He leaned over to me and wrapped me in his arms again, holding me tight against his strong body. I realized I was shaking violently.

"Beloved, I will come back to you. If the others will fight with me, we can divide his army and defeat them. Alice, stop crying, I can do this. You have to trust me," his voice was just a whisper, and I could hear the sobs coming from my chest drowning his words out.

"I can't let you. I have to go with you. You can't leave me like this. You can't. I won't survive, Jasper. I. Won't. Survive... I would rather die." The words were rushed between the heaving that ripped at my chest. He had to understand. I had to keep him safe.

"I will come back to you. I will never leave you, Beloved. Look for me. Look and see what will happen if I act as bait. If it leads to my death, I won't go. Alice, Beloved, look for me."

"Do you promise?" I asked, unwilling to help, but unwilling to let him do this without me. If he had already decided to go to Carlos, the only way to keep him safe was by using my gift. I truly was trapped.

"I swear to you, I won't go if you tell me not to," he said as he looked firmly into my eyes.

I closed my eyes, and tried to trust Jasper. I tried to trust his love and his skill. The vision came as before, but this time I pushed on, trying to look beyond the first moments of battle that had frightened me. It all happened the same way, except that now I could see the invading vampires fall one by one, surprised by the attack on their flank. Jasper never faltered. Then, the vision twisted to one of the house. All three of us girls were in the house, waiting, when suddenly vampires crashed in through the windows from each side of the home.

Jasper's arms constricted around me as I let out a small cry.

"What happened?" he asked into my hair. He was surrounding me, pulling me into the safe cocoon of his body in his attempt to calm me.

"You don't fall," I said, trying to make sense of what I saw. "You don't fall, but the army will come here to engage the rest of us. They will attack the house."

"We will get you to safety before I go," he said, a little less sure of himself. "If you hide, will they still come?"

I once again tried to look to a future I dreaded, and saw a dozen vampires searching the home again. One cried out and the others joined him, weaving back and forth as they caught our scent.

"They will still come to the home, and they will catch our scent, so unless we are very careful, they will still find us," I said with no emotion. This was utter madness.

"That is what we will do, then. I will lead the first group away, and your scent will lead the second one to an open space of_ our _choosing. If the group that comes after you is made up of newborns, which I believe it will be, they will fall for the trap readily. If you can see them, you can stay one step ahead of the second group until we join you. Then we can finish off the army and perhaps go after Carlos himself." Jasper was nearly giddy as his plan formed, but I felt as if a crushing weight lay on my chest. The timing, the location, and our survival all depended on me.

I began to shake again. "What if I'm wrong?" I asked, my voice a quiet wail. I could kill us all.

Jasper pulled me up into his arms, and strode over to the window. With a plan in place, he no longer felt the need to hide.

"You won't be," he said with certainty. His faith in me was unwavering. "Alice, look at the stars." I turned my head from his chest and looked up at the dim lights. His voice became grave and thick with emotion. "You are my world, and the center of my universe. I will always come back to you. I will never leave you, and I will _always _love you. Forever. My love and my promise are as eternal and unchanging as the stars in the night sky. Until the last star blinks out, you can be certain of my return... and my love."

_**Jasper**_

The words seemed so easy to say, yet when I uttered the promise, I felt both completely bound in a way I could not understand. Words are normally such small and trite things, but these carried with them the weight of eternity. Those words, which simply stated the greatest truth I knew in the form of a promise, brought me a strange and wonderful comfort.

The truth in them strengthened me somehow. It was a promise I was bound by eternity itself to keep. Until the stars fell from their places, I would always be with Alice.

Her fear, which had pulsed in her like a cold heart, still ripped through her and into me. It had eased, but I could still feel it. I hadn't meant to cause her so much anguish. I knew she wouldn't like the plan, but I was unprepared for her violent reaction to it. Of course, had our positions been reversed, I would have never allowed her to take the risk I was trying to take.

She trembled again in my arms, and I tried to use my gift to perceive what she needed. The promise hadn't been enough, perhaps because I had given her nothing tangible with it. I needed to give her something, something real and precious, as a token of the promise that had touched me like no other. But I was a nomad, and had nothing to give.

Nothing but an odd and rather macabre token of a heritage of love.

It wasn't enough, and I cringed at the unworthy thing I had considered. But what else could I give her? She deserved so much, and I had so little. I couldn't even give her my undivided time or the full measure of my love here in this barricaded house. I was finally ready to try and take her fully as my mate, but we were in the midst of battle, and I couldn't do that. Besides, when the time came, I wanted to do it right. I wanted more than anything to simply do things right by Alice.

My mind again turned to the small leather pouch in my pocket. It was worthless and ugly, but it was a part of me. Perhaps she wouldn't see it as pathetic. Perhaps the lumps of silver would make my promise tangible. Maybe she would see the story of love and courage behind the tarnished metal. The worst she could do was laugh at me.

In one fluid motion, I pulled the pouch out and sat with her on a nearby ottoman.

She looked up at me with a face that showed absolute trust despite the waning fear. The promise I had uttered caused her to glow, to radiate happiness. She deserved so much more than what I could give her, and I nearly hid the pouch from her, but her quick eyes caught the movement in my hand. She looked at me curiously.

"I want to give you something," I began, my voice less steady than I wanted. "It's rather stupid, actually... they aren't worth anything... the only value is sentimental. If you don't like them, just say so, because -"

Her hand on my mouth stopped me, and she held out her palm with a knowing smile. Of course, she had already seen this. She looked ridiculously happy, even with the knowledge of the worthless thing I was about to bestow on her.

I let the two lumps of twisted metal fall into her hand.

"It's the only thing I have from my past," I said simply, hoping she would somehow understand.

"Tell me about them," she whispered at she looked at the tarnished silver with undeserved reverence.

"I can't tell you everything. I wish I could, but I don't remember most of it any more," I said as I glanced at her. She was beaming at me. "My grandfather fought in New Orleans during the War of 1812. He was infantry, and he carried a lucky silver dollar around his neck in a leather pouch, much like this," I said as I held up the ancient bag. "During a battle, he was struck with a lead ball from an exploding cannon. He took the lead in the chest, just over his heart, and would have died if the ball hadn't glanced off of the dollar. The force of the impact split the silver and imbedded both pieces deep in his chest. The flash caused him to be blinded for a while. He awoke after weeks of being unconscious to find that a single woman had nursed him to health while others had left him to die. He never saw her because of the damage to his eyes, and before he regained his sight, she was forced by her family to leave. He only knew her by her voice. She was the most compassionate person he had ever met, and after a year of recuperating and two years of seminary, he set out to find her. He took with him the half of the dollar that she had somehow removed from his body when the surgeon refused. It was truly his good luck charm.

"It took a long time, years I think, but he finally heard her voice singing in a church. It took a while to convince her of his love, because she wasn't a comely woman at all and had resigned herself to living as a spinster. What convinced her of his love was that he still held the broken silver dollar. She had held onto the other half."

I wasn't looking at her as I spoke; I needed to concentrate on the foggy memory of the story. There was so much more to it, but I could only remember that much. Pity, it was a good story.

"They made these into wedding bands," Alice stated factually.

"Yes ma'am, they did," I said as the reality of what I had just given Alice sank in. "She ran away from home to marry him, and all they had for wedding bands was the broken dollar. He hammered them into the rough rings you see. They bought new ones eventually, but they kept these as proof that they were destined to love each other. Grandpop gave them to me to keep during my battles. He hoped they would bring me luck too. It didn't work. These bands don't look like much now, but they were once round. They got mangled in my pocket."

Alice deftly pulled the metal bands back into circular lumps, unclasped the pearl necklace around her neck, and placed the smaller of the two bands on the string. I didn't tell her that the smaller one was Grandpop's - Meemaw was not a small woman. Then she slid the other into the pouch and returned it to me.

"You gave me a part of your past," she smiled, strangely shy now.

"I gave you a lump of black metal," I began sarcastically. "But that metal is all I have to give you." I was suddenly fighting an odd lump in my throat. "It's not enough, but it's all I have to represent the promise of an everlasting future," I finished with a shaking voice.

"You gave me forever," Alice rejoiced, her voice also shaking as she gently wrapped her small fingers around the worthless piece of twisted metal. "I cherish you, and I cherish this. Forever. The stars are my witness." Her smile was breathtaking.

Suddenly, the old, twisted lumps I had kept for so long became unbearably beautiful to me. Perhaps I was not so different from those shards of twisted scrap metal. As I saw her treasure the odd relics, I saw that they were like me - twisted and tarnished remnants of a war. And Alice took them as they were, smoothed out the edges, and cherished them. Just as she had me.

My internal thoughts were shaken back to reality by Alice. She was so excited that she was bouncing on my lap.

I laughed at her, my beautiful fairy. Grinning wildly and bouncing for joy, she looked just like the little girl she hated. I said nothing, but hugged her tight, rejoicing in the gift I had both given and received.

* * *

**Is the story still heading the way it should? Alice and Jasper are almost done with New York, and will soon find solace in each other. We are near the half way mark, and the Cullen family with soon make their lives much, much more complex.**

**I love to hear from you, so please review or pm me with your thoughts!**

Thanks to some friends, I have some recommendations for you of authors who have written T-rated fics.

Angel Ren

Philadelphic

Elessar1201

Sillybella

Freakyhazeleyes

Katmom

Endlessly Drowning

TheSingingGirl

Brynna

Gleena

Princess Bertha

Persephonesfolly

I would also like to recommend a new one-shot I wrote called Resolution. You can go to my author's page to find it.


	12. Chapter 12: Crossroads

Hello all! I hope this chapter finds you all happy and healthy. I have a rather long author's note at the end regarding several issues, and I would truly appreciate it if you read them. Thanks!

Thanks as always to my beloved betas Remylebeauishot, EverandAlways, and SoundandtheFury for their awesome beta work and wonderful suggestions. Also, thanks to Mistrial who helped me work through some important issues and has some great ideas! All of them are truly wonderful women!

_Jasper told Alice that he can't live as a vampire and love. This chapter explores why. Fair warning, Jasper the Vampire is a rather scary individual. _

Stephenie Meyer owns all Twilight characters and plot lines. I own the original characters and plot and a car that died. Again.

* * *

_**Jasper**_

I deeply inhaled Alice's intoxicating scent, and felt the rush of emotions that I could not quite name once again. It was very frustrating to feel an emotion that I could not dissect and label, but such was her affect on me. Her tiny fingers found their way around my sides, and I waited for her arms to encompass me. That was not her plan, however, and her nails gently scraped down my sides, creating a trail of both heat and shivering ice. I wasn't expecting it, and I stiffened. Then her nails began to playfully dig at my ribs causing an intensely uncomfortable feeling that caused my arms to convulse down against my body.

She grinned mischievously and giggled. "You're ticklish?"

"No," I answered firmly and a little too quickly. Technically, I didn't know if I was or not, but my reaction had startled me, and I was fairly sure I didn't want to know the answer to her question.

"Has anyone ever_ tried _to tickle you?" she asked with the devil dancing in her eyes. The little vixen was planning to, that much I could tell. Part of me loved that fact, and part of me was afraid I might actually be ticklish, and that would be a death sentence in this house. Ivan and Vasily would _love _that.

"Vampires don't tickle each other," I cocked my eyebrow as a warning. "And we're _not _ticklish."

"Is that a fact?" she asked playfully, and began to run her fingers down my sides. I found myself jerking away almost uncontrollably. The feeling was wonderful and heinous at the same time, and I nearly lurched backward from the sensation.

Damn it! I was ticklish. How could a warrior like myself have such an infantile reaction to physical sensation? How on earth had I lived for eighty years and not known this?

Alice laughed in triumph and hugged me tightly.

"What am I going to do with you?" I growled in frustration.

"You're angry because you're ticklish?" she laughed again, looking up at me with feigned innocence.

"It's a weakness. Weakness will get us killed."

"I won't use it on you during the battle. I promise," she said in mock seriousness as she crossed her heart.

"It's not you I'm worried about. I can't have a weakness now. Too much depends on my strength," I said the words more intensely than I had intended.

"Jasper, I know you are feeling even more pressure than I am, but honestly, how is being ticklish a weakness on the battlefield? Do you think one of them will try to take you down by going after your _ribs_?" Her arms were crossed and she looked like she was about to laugh.

"It's not our enemies I'm worried about," I grumbled, picturing two large Russians and an agile Chinaman ganging up on me.

Alice laughed again, but this time there was a decidedly evil sound to it. Her hands darted behind my knees, and I felt them jerk up on their own as I cried out in surprise. The movement forced Alice into my chest, and she once again assailed my sides, but this time I fought back.

"Stop it!" I warned as I tried unsuccessfully to grab her hands, but she only laughed harder. Her fingers began a torturous move towards my belly, and I roared in frustration. I willed my arms away from my body, and pulled Alice into a tight bear hug. She screamed in mock protest, but continued to attack, so I wrapped my arms all the way around her and went after her ribs from the back.

The effect was stunning. She arched her back and squealed in protest. I whooped in triumph, and began my vigorous counterattack. Not only did she squirm deliciously, her wriggling rubbed her body up against mine in incredibly intimate ways. Weakness or not, ticklishness had some definite perks.

We both began to squirm and wriggle as we went after each other. Suddenly, the settee beneath us groaned and collapsed, knocking us both back into a tightly locked and laughing ball. My laughter burst out in my newfound joy at playing with Alice. I had forgotten how much fun it was to simply be with her. We rolled about, knocking furniture around as we continued our battle on the floor.

Until Alice suddenly went limp against me. I held her for the few seconds it took her to return. When she did, all the playful joy was gone.

"Vasily and Lena are going to kill a group of three," she said with no emotion whatsoever.

"When?"

She blanked out for a moment before answering. "Soon. It may be happening now. The three fought like newborns, but without the strength. Why would Carlos send untrained fighters against them?"

"Because it's an excellent way of getting rid of yearlings. Send them into battle _without_ their strength, and if they survive, keep them," I said with a bitter self-loathing. That had always been my preferred method of disposing of yearlings because it was so much easier than doing the job myself. I grimaced at the memory of the monster I had once been. The same monster I was willing to become again.

"Carlos just wanted us to rid him of useless fighters?"

"No, he wants to lull us into a feeling of superiority," I said with certainty. The joy slipped away as the soldier stepped forward. "Alice, I know you don't want this, but it's time to bait the trap. I can lure the experienced fighters away from the city, while you lead the main army up the river. We can take them in the Hudson River Valley." Then I realized not all the fear was hers. I was not just protecting her, but I was sending her away from myself, and the mere thought of that action caused me anxious pain. However, this war could not be won without tricking our enemy.

Winning also required her help.

"What do you see happening? Alice, you said it would work, tell me now, what happens?" I pleaded desperately. I needed her gift to keep us all alive.

She looked to the floor and I could see her shoulders slump with the weight of the task I had given her.

"You survive." Her words were quiet and sorrowful.

I wrapped her in my arms and lay back on the ottoman and settee. She draped herself over me, letting me stroke her hair and her back as she slowly melted against me. Her sorrow blanketed me.

"I won't leave you," I swore again. "Never." I felt her emotions still as I continued to pass my hands over her body. I chanted those words over and over, hoping to make them true, and trying to use them as a talisman against a destiny that, until now, had broken and destroyed me. I had always felt that I had no control over the evil that was my life, but that had to change now. I had to be strong enough to return. I had to control my destiny no matter what it took to make that happen. This time the words had to come true.

***

The railway depots on the port of Newark stank of death and pollution. Oil, diesel fuel, human waste, and rancid sweat gave the black place an evil smell. Among the overwhelming odors, I was trying to detect the scent of alcohol. I needed a drunk, preferably an unconscious one, to make my run here look authentic. Alice had, against her better judgment, given me the location where I could eat and do little damage to myself. Somewhere behind the roundhouse and the coal pile a group of men was passed out. Or so I hoped. I needed the ruse to work perfectly to ensure that I returned to Alice.

My mind flicked back to the last image I'd had of her. She had been terrified. Not just of the battle or of losing me, but the old fear, the child's fear and guilt, crippled her as I left. She had been forced to hold onto herself, to wrap her thin arms around her tiny body and squeeze to stop the encroaching fear. The look of agony in her eyes was almost enough to make me stay. Even though the plan was a good one, I would have stayed to keep Alice from feeling so much pain. If there had been any way around this, I would have never left her side. The only thing that spurred me on was the promise of her safety.

Even now, the urge to return to her and hold her was shredding my resolve to finish this fight. I battled against the emotions and refocused my mind on my hunt, both to find my prey and fulfill my part of the plan. I found the scent after only a few paces, and quickly ate my fill of three men. To my great relief, they never woke, and their remaining comrades were none the wiser as I broke their necks. I learned long ago to never leave useless living men where they could feed my enemies.

There was a small part of me that protested my actions. The man whom had recently been reborn screamed that the loss of life was wrong, but I couldn't listen to his warnings. I was in a war, and the human side of me had no place here. I pushed back those emotions and thoughts and focused only on being the vampire I was. I had to become the monster within so that I could survive this fight. With my scent spread over the rail yard, all I needed to do now was wait.

I wandered through the yard but only made it a few hundred yards before the air around me was thick with anticipation and bloodlust. My mouth automatically twitched up as my own rage and bloodlust settled into place. All of my other thoughts dissipated in the rush of venom and hatred that flooded me. The anticipation of battle was so familiar that I simply slid into it. The feeling was one of natural comfort, like pulling on good leather boots that molded to my every move.

However, this time, the rush was tinged with need. I had something to return to, something to fight for, and like my last battle, making sure Alice was safe upped the ante. I had a promise to keep.

As I had done since my re-birth, I used my gift to lead my moves. I could feel eight distinct individuals nearby and at least one other in the distance. I hoped the ninth was a member of the New York cavalry, because eight on one didn't make for good odds.

I began to position myself in an area I knew I could use for my benefit.

Within seconds, the party split up, and the first three ran towards me at full speed. I felt three others hedge around train cars and two others ascend the roundhouse behind me. They were hoping to jump down on me unawares. Some days, I love my gift.

I readied my attack just as a surge of pure joy came from my right. Vasily was there and realized how many were attacking. He was nearly giddy with the prospect of bringing his numbers up.

A split second before the three reached me, I dropped to the ground and spread my arms wide. Two went sprawling, having been tripped by my hands, and the third sprang over me, twisted in the air, and then lunged at me from the rear. Of course, I was ready for his attack. He came at me low, grabbing at me with wide hands. This one was a wrestler, which suited me because my thin frame was hard to hang onto. I caught his hands with my own and threw him into his comrade who was up and trying to take me from the side. I heard Vasily crow in triumph as I felt the pain of death nearby.

"One!" he shouted in glee.

The third vampire tried to grab me around the waist, but I side-stepped him and wrapped my arm around his head. I turned with him, swinging him as a shield. Vasily rushed past me as the two vampires from the roundhouse jumped to the ground.

"Eight?" he laughed as he grabbed the smallest vampire and doubled him backwards until he snapped.

"Behind you!" I yelled in warning, but the newcomer was already on his back, and the wrestler was lunging at his chest. They were making the fatal error of choosing the largest to attack first.

I grabbed the one I had with both arms, flung him forward into the wrestler, and then used his hair as leverage to I snap him back, separating his head from his shoulders. It didn't snap completely off, but it was close enough. His rasping gurgles could be heard over the fight as he gripped his torn neck and fell. His fear and despair ripped into me, and I crushed my own emotions back with all my strength. I _had_ to be stronger than my gift.

I pulled the wrestler off Vasily and yelled for him to turn. He immediately complied, and I gripped the wrestler in a bear hug around the waist and flung him into the head of the one on Vasily's back. I heard the sharp crack of the two heads meeting, and Vasily chuckled as he began to pound his attacker's face with the back of his own head. I gripped the wriggling man with my left arm so that I could hold his hair with my free hand. I used the wrestler's face to repeatedly slam it into the back of Vasily's attacker's head.

The one in my arms was able to reach behind me and grab my own head, trying to pull me forward as I held onto his waist and hair. I was instantly off balance and incredibly vulnerable, but I could feel the cool happiness of Chi-Yang from the woods, and I knew help was coming. A high-pitched screech came from his direction followed by a laugh. No one liked a kill as much as Chi-Yang.

With a loud crack, the head of the one on Vasily split a bit, and the stunned vampire stopped moving. I used the moment to try and get a killing hold on the wrestler, but before I could get a better grip on him, a body slammed into my side, forcing me to the ground and freeing the one in my arms. Both vampires began hitting me hard, but before any damage was done, they were ripped off of me.

"Ha," laughed a very cheerful Vasily. "Three!"

I heard a loud harrumph come from Chi-Yang as I regained my feet and checked my body. They had only done minor damage.

"Where are the others?" asked the Russian impatiently as he finished removing the head of the first one I had taken down.

"You can't count that one!" protested Chi-Yang.

"Shut up," came the grumbling reply.

I pointed to a line of boxcars, and Vasily ran off . Chi-Yang looked at me with consternation. "Well, he can't," he sniffed as we ran off to find the last three. A thunderous crash told us where to look. A tanker car was lying on it's side, spilling a its contents from a rip along its top. Whatever was in there was petroleum based, and now the ground was soaked and apt to turn into an inferno if we were not careful. Of course, that would be a rather handy way to burn the intruders and hide our battle here.

I felt a surge of perverse pleasure and another of crippling fear just before I heard the metallic rip and snap. To my right, Vasily and Ivan had just twisted another one in half. The brothers were grinning at each other.

A sharp feeling of fear to my right flank let me know that at least one was hiding among the rail cars, and I leapt up onto the nearest boxcar just in time to catch a glimpse of the fleeing vampire. I yelled for Chi-Yang and took off after him. If it hadn't been for my ability to sense his moods, I would have never been able to catch him in the maze of rail cars. Leaping across the tops of the cars, Chi-Yang and I were able to head him off at the very edge of the yard. Chi-Yang caught him, did a twisting throw of the panicked vampire, and I quickly rid him of his head. We both carried the pieces of him back to the now burning tanker car.

"That's all of them," nodded Ivan, indicating the glistening rubble that was rapidly disappearing in the flame. The familiar rush of victory flooded me with its intoxicating ecstasy. The only thing that drew me back to earth was the reality that Alice was north of here drawing an army away. An army that was mine to kill. The predator in me shouted in triumph and anticipation of more battles. I yearned for the kill now. I thirsted for battle and the right to fight and win safety for myself and my mate. All of us did.

Without another word, we were off towards the mouth of the Hudson and our mates. The only sound as we ran was an argument between Chi-Yang and Vasily on how to split the kills.

I could not worry about their little tiff. In fact, the only thing I knew or cared about was that Alice was ahead of us, leading an army away from the city, and waiting on me to help. My brilliant plan now seemed like the suicide mission it was. My Alice was in danger, and though I knew she could easily avoid the army, I never ran so fast in my life.

Alice, Mai-Li, and Lena were leading the newborns north along the Hudson towards Bear Mountain State Park and the large expanse of West Point Military Academy. She had seen that the military base was having target practice, and the noise of the early morning explosions might hide the sounds of the battle. We had chosen to lead them away from the city because Carlos wanted us trapped inside a building, and we weren't about to let them do that.

We ran up the sludge of the Hudson and caught the army's scent just past Younkers. The newborn army had little in the way of training, because they left a path of destruction and death in their wake. I counted seventeen bodies alone that we had to dump in the river. I hated wasting time cleaning up their mess. The scent of our enemies mixed with the scent of our mates silenced us all and forced us into a run so fast that we would have never been able to follow them if we didn't know their destination.

The wind was screaming so loudly in my ears as I ran that I almost missed the first shout of battle. It was a victorious roar, followed by several low rumbles of approval. We had just entered the wild parts of the park, and I began desperately searching for the landmarks Alice had described, the thin bridge across the Hudson and then the stony top of Bear Mountain to my left.

Once I spotted the area, I dove into the forest until I came to a human path that led to a tower near the top of the mountain. Within seconds, I was at the tower, and in front of the advancing army below. We males were arrayed in a strong fighting position on the mountain. Vasily was at my flank and Chi-Yang and Ivan were behind the army, creating the jaws of a massive trap. I could hear and feel the wildness of the advancing newborn army noisily encircling the area. The icy feel of my own panic rose over the fevered pitch of the newborns as it slowly gripped me in its vice.

I couldn't feel anything but newborns. Alice and the others should have been here already, but I couldn't feel them. I very nearly charged the army in my growing fear, but before I could walk half a dozen paces, I could suddenly feel the women coming quickly towards us. Alice must have finally seen us here.

Before I could even get a strong feel for my mate, she and the other two flashed through the trees to stand behind Vasily and me. If it hadn't been for my years of experience, I would have been distracted by the buoyant relief I felt at seeing Alice. Now, however, my vision shifted to bright crimson as I crouched to protect her

"Don't you dare!" I heard her yell behind me, and a wave of sheer exasperation rolled off her. That confounded woman was angry with me for protecting her. Unfortunately my sarcastic reply never left my mouth, because the first wave of newborns attacked at that moment.

They were trained, but just barely. Our plan relied heavily on the inexperience of this army. Ivan and Chi-Yang were not only closing the jaws of our trap, they were also trying to find and kill the two captains of this army because once they were gone, the army would be fairly simple to shatter.

I felt the joyful rage of the newborns all around us, but my crimson focus was only on those within my reach. I took two down easily, using a few tried and true lunge techniques which these new ones were no match for.

"Stop hogging them. I _need_ some, Jasper," growled Vasily from my back, so I tossed him the next one to come at me. From below the hill, I heard shrieks and thunderous crashes. Ivan and Chi-Yang were both hard at work. I felt the crushing fear of death pound at my sanity from all around me, but I refused to give in to it.

I felt Alice thrill at victory as she took down one, and I shot her a baleful glare as I caught another newborn. She stuck her tongue out at me and dodged a newborn before leaping deftly on his back.

"Jasper," groaned a very upset Vasily. I sighed and handed him the already broken newborn so that he could remove the head. Really, these Russians were whinier than Yankees.

The army, which had been at least fifteen strong was in shambles, and Lena had already broken away to start the fire on the stone cap of Bear Mountain. Vasily caught the last two newborns who were trying to flee, but one got his strong arms around his chest. I ran over to keep the newborn from crushing him as Vasily roared at me in rage and frustration. He didn't want to share any kills. Vasily quickly popped the head off of one newborn while I grabbed on to the one holding him. We tugged his arms off together. Vasily growled at me, and I relinquished the writhing appendage as he gleefully began dismembering them.

"Jasper! The last three are running," called Alice as she bolted past me down the mountain. I followed on her heels and Vasily was soon chasing after us. We ran directly into the path of the fleeing vampires, and each took one. I used a flip technique that Chi-Yang had taught me, Alice seemed to pirouette around the newborn until she was able to strike from the back, and Vasily simply tackled his into an old tree that was toppled from the blow. He was giggling like a little boy as we quickly returned to the top of the mountain with our kills.

"Stop!" Ivan screamed from the tree line. He and Chi-Yang were bringing up armfuls of vampire rubble, but he seemed to have trouble holding on to his. Alice gasped at the same moment I noticed the reason for Ivan's trouble; he was trying to hold onto the stone with only a thumb and an index finger on his right hand. The remainder of his hand was gone and all that was left was a crescent shaped gouge. Half of his hand had been bitten off.

"How many have you burned?" he asked in a panic.

"Eight," Lena called down to us with a slightly sickened look to her face.

"Damn! Help me look in these," he ordered as he threw his pieces on the ground and began breaking the heads and torsos apart in search of his lost digits. All of us helped him rip apart the faces, throats and bellies of the vampires we had, but his hand could not be found. Vasily and Lena went off to search the area as we burned the now infinitesimally small, white pebbles. Ivan kept a hand out of the flames on the hopes of joining the fingers of the other hand to his. I couldn't imagine that working, but perhaps it was worth a try. We all joined the search for his digits until the dawn forced us to stop. The loss of part of a hand dampened all our spirits.

The rain Alice had foreseen sizzled on the hot ash as the fire burned itself out. I could tell from the smell that this would be a heavy storm, which would not only keep visitors away, but also wash away any trace of the battle. Our group's emotions were mixed as we ran home. Vasily felt triumphant, Ivan was understandably upset and grouchy, and Chi-Yang was happily pleased. Killing was like an elixir for him. The girls were simply relieved.

Alice, however, also felt tremendous frustration. Despite all her visions, her friend had been hurt, and we hadn't found Carlos. That didn't surprise me, but it angered her. No one spoke of Carlos until we returned to Ivan's home. Once we had stopped running, Alice immediately began trying to see our enemy in earnest. She had been having visions all the way home, and I had no idea what she was seeing, but her mood had grown more and more sour as we approached the home.

"Could you find anything?" asked Mai-Li as she gathered her thingsbefore returning to their home. Alice merely shook her head miserably.

"I'm seeing all kinds of visions, but none of _him_," she said with a slump of her shoulders.

I put my arm around her and pulled her to my side. This battle, and our need to rely so heavily on her gift had worn her down. Alice responded by laying her head against my chest and shutting her eyes. I could feel her bone deep weariness, which had nothing to do with her body and everything to do with her mind. She was not only burdened with our care, but she was angered and fearful of something. I tried to help, pushing waves of peace and happiness at her, but the battle had drained me as well.

"It's how the Barracuda operates. He sends in a lightening fast army, but stays just out of reach," I said, soothingly.

"It makes me furious to think that he is nearby," Ivan growled as he held up his damaged hand. "He owes me for _this_."

"We've only found his hiding place twice," I said with a grimace. "He was so close to us that he could tell exactly what we were doing the whole time. That's how he works, he takes over a familiar place that you know and _should_ have seen, but never think about."

I felt Alice blank out, and then return with a wave of raw hate. Her low growl made us all instantly defensive.

"He's at Paul's home," she hissed violently. "I saw him in front of the fireplace. He's taken over their house."

Ivan's violent roar shook the house and quickly receded as he ran down the road. The rest of us followed after him, each of the others mirroring his wrath. These vampires were no longer just covens protecting their homes; they were now on a vendetta to kill the source of past pain. I could feel them all re-living old wars and pulling up painful memories, even Alice.

They were so intent on their prey that not one slowed in the slightest even as the streets began to fill with life and sun made the clouds thin overhead. I thought at first that I might need to physically stop them from breaking down the door of the Long Island home, but these warriors were disciplined enough from their pasts that each of them simply slid into the trees behind the house and looked silently at Alice.

"He's waiting for something," she mouthed, barely even breathing the words. "I can see him standing there with maps around him. He's just waiting." She looked perplexed for a moment, and then her eyes bulged round and she let out the softest of gasps. She rushed to the edge of the trees at the back of the home and dropped to the ground, looking intently at the rear entrance. We all did exactly the same thing.

If she hadn't made us look, truly_ look_ at what was happening, not even our perfect vampire eyes would have caught the slight wave that dashed by us. It was an odd shift of colors and light, like a ripple of water running through the air. Then the door to the home opened, and a very young girl emerged from the ripple.

She was stunning to watch. Her face was more perfect than any I had ever seen. Her angelic face looked utterly innocent and helpless as it was framed in ebony curls that dropped to her waste in cascades. Everything about her demanded love and protection. She was naked, and had been changed so young that her body was tiny and showed only the faintest hint that she was female. She grabbed a shift dress that lay by the door, tossed it gracefully over her angelic form, and went inside.

This was the answer. This was how he did it. Carlos had done the unthinkable and had managed to change a young child. I felt the rage and disgust of us all as we realized what he had done and what we must now do. No one here wanted to destroy this perfect, precious child. However, none of us could allow Carlos to escape.

Without a sound, Mai-Li ran forward and caught the door before it closed as Lena and Vasily went around to the front to wait for our signal. We moved with swift silence towards the soft voices in what must have been the sitting room of the house.

"Are you sure, nina?" a male voice asked smoothly. Only the barest hint of dissatisfaction colored his words.

"Of course I'm sure," the child said in Spanish. Her voice was musical, like the notes of a perfect flute or harp, each word sounding ethereal. "The army is completely destroyed. Higgins ran when he saw the others fall, but the rest are gone. I'm hungry," the whine in her voice didn't match the perfect tone of it.

"I'll let you have a few, but then you must go and see what plans they are making. We will leave soon, but I need to understand them better first."

"You just want to kill the one called Jasper," said the angel. "I was close enough to him, you should have let me fight."

"No little one. I did that once, and it cost me my son. I will not lose my daughter, too," he smiled at her adoringly and cupped her face in his hands.

It was Chi-Yang who led the first attack. He rushed forward, grabbed the child and flung her at his mate. The little thing simply wriggled out of her grasp, tore off her shift, and faded into the wave. I realized that she didn't disappear, but rather seemed to wrap the colors of her surroundings around her body. I heard her scream, and she began to run frantically around the room, seeming to want to hide and strike at the same time.

Carlos was able to get behind Chi-Yang, and was attempting to bend him back when Ivan's body crashed into them both. They smashed into the massive fireplace, and the house rang with the thunderous impact. The wall gave way and the stone pounded to the ground around us.

Alice and I tried to corner the child, but her phenomenal gift made her almost impossible to catch. Even Alice couldn't get a hold of something she could not truly see. Also, she didn't have the heart to harm the child; none of us truly did. It was the greatest defense a child had, everything about them led others to want to protect and love them. It was what drew prey and ensnared the covens who changed them. Entire covens had fought to the death in their protection.

Vasily had joined the fight, and the wall that separated the parlor from the kitchen came down, bringing a large portion of ceiling with it. Alice, Lena and I were damaging walls and stairs as we tried to grab the little girl. The entire home was now shaking from the blows.

With a whoop of triumph, the three men managed to wrap their arms around the large Spaniard, and immobilize him. Ivan had Carlos's head in a Full Nelson while Vasily and Chi-Yang held each arm.

And then the unthinkable happened. An agonized cry, wholly heart wrenching, went up from the small child, and she was suddenly wrapped around Carlos, holding him and shaking as she cried, "Padre, mi padre." Her voice was an agonized plea, and every vampire in the room froze.

"Por favor, no! Don't kill my daddy!" she wailed, still holding to the vampire she considered her father. No one moved.

With loathing and immense effort, I moved over to the child and tried to calm her as I pulled her arms from around Carlos. His clothing ripped off as she struggled to hang on, but between Lena, Alice and myself, we were able to finally pull her free of him. Despite her pathetic pleas, Carlos had to be destroyed.

The instant her hands were free of him, the child began screaming and flailing about, her voice reaching a fevered pitch as we pulled her away. Lena and Mai-Li took her from me, still screaming in fear and loss. "Downstairs," I said over the wails. Perhaps the misery I could feel coming from the home's basement would be enough to keep the child occupied while we dealt with her creator.

"Alice," hissed Vasily as he held onto the struggling vampire, "would you care to do the honors? Your vision brought us this victory. Just as your hands killed the son, they can kill the father."

Carlos's reaction shocked me. I was expecting anger at the revelation that she was the killer of his son, but instead, a rush of understanding and frustration flowed from him.

"_You?"_ he spat at her, venom spraying across her face. But he didn't mean it as an accusation. It was a gasp of recognition.

Before I could stop her, Alice deftly removed his head with a look of triumph in her eyes. The others quickly tore the body apart and left the pieces where they fell to writhe in agony. I enjoyed watching him be torn apart, in fact I would have been thoroughly thrilled except that Carlos's reaction to Alice made me feel that we had somehow missed something.

In the sudden quiet of the slowly crumbling house, a lone human cry went out, and the home was flooded with the smell of fresh blood. Alice gasped, and was suddenly gone, descended down the stairs to the horror I knew waited there. I ran after her, hoping to stop her from becoming what she loathed, but I couldn't get to her soon enough. It had been well over a week since she last ate, and the basement was thick with the smell of blood and the wretched feel of despair. In the fraction of a second that it took me to descend into the makeshift prison that held Carlos's human feast, Alice had all but drained a middle-aged woman. I didn't even try to stop her as she moved on to one of the last few survivors, a tall man who sat rocking himself in a fetal position in a corner. Two more of the pathetic feedstock still lived, but they were nearly mad with hunger, thirst, and fear. The smell of decay was as thick as the blood here.

How many times had we stocked such a prison for Maria and her army? How many times had I fed from a pit like this?

I felt the child's joy as she took the life of one of the last two humans. The final human was a lanky boy, perhaps in his late teens. He sat with his eyes closed and his lips moving in a silent prayer. His arms were spread out, trying to feebly protect a older woman behind him. He didn't realize that she was already dead. She had died here a few hours ago, perhaps of thirst, yet he still tried to protect her.

I could feel his courage. I could feel his innocent self-deception that somehow he could stop what was sure to happen next. This one would have made a fine soldier and reminded me of the boys I once led. He reminded me of the long dead boy I once was, and his strength resurrected the human withering within me. In honor of his inner strength and the memories of the boys I once led, I snapped his neck for him. It was the least I could do.

I knew what must happen now, but the mere thought of the act wasn't bearable. I could feel the weight of all that had happened today, of what I had become for the last few days, and I could not endure this. I walked over to Alice who was standing now, looking over the man's body and trembling. Her shame and self-reproach flew from her like poisonous darts. I wanted to take the pain from her, but I lacked the strength now. I needed to get us both away from here.

I touched Alice's shoulder lightly, and she was suddenly wrapped around me in a tight grip with her head buried in my torn and filthy shirt. I pulled her up the stairs, through the parlor and up to the second floor where little damage had been done. I took in her feelings and tried once again to send her peace as I tried to find enough strength to send her the love I felt for her. It was difficult to find the pure feelings amidst the battle and death, but I was eventually able to send her a ribbon of love, and she responded with a thread of hope. I wasn't used to so much despair coming from her, and I worried that this battle had cost her dearly.

"Alice, beloved, talk to me," I pleaded. Her face slowly turned up and her eyes looked into mine. I couldn't stop the shock I felt from showing on my face. My angel stood before me, looking utterly wretched and sporting the eyes of a demon.

"Jasper," she said, barely whispering. "Jasper you were right. We can't do it. We can't live as vampires and _love_ as people. Vampires truly can't _live_. It isn't possible, is it?"

She looked so broken that I ached to help her.

"You can be good, Alice. If anyone can, it is you. You didn't mean to kill those humans, I know you didn't. I'm so sorry. But it's over now, beloved, we have peace and we can be together. It's over now."

She shook her head and laid it back down on my chest.

"Jasper, we can't be together and _live_ here. I shouldn't have returned at all. I should have trusted myself and left this place and this life. If we stay, we will lose each other, and we will lose ourselves. We can't _live_ as vampires, and I want to live_." _Her voice held an intense fervor that I hadn't heard from her before.

"If this is about the humans you killed then --"

"It's about us, Jasper. This is all about us. Those humans didn't even have futures for me to see because their paths crossed a vampire. Don't you see? We truly are living death as long as we choose this path. I can't be this way. I choose life. Jasper, please help me choose _life_."

Her crimson eyes were pleading, and though I didn't understand her, I knew that whatever it was she needed, I would do it. I would walk through the fires of Hell for her.

"Tell me what you need."

"If I say that we need to leave, will you go? That's all, I just need you to go if I say to," she said, but her voice and emotions wavered in uncertainty.

"Whatever you need," I said with meaning.

Alice looked at me with a small smile before her face went blank and then contorted in shock. Suddenly, a bolt of raw fear shot through me so intensely that I doubled over with the pain and cried out. This was beyond the burning fear of death, this was sheer terror felt through the mind and heart of a child. Alice's arms wrapped around me as the bone shattering death shriek split the air.

The child had been ripped apart.

_**Alice**_

I held onto Jasper's tense form as he writhed in the emotions of the child. I had seen the horror of her death just a moment before it happened. Chi-Yang had done it. He was the only one who could.

I tried to erase the memory of the vision, but it was burned into my mind so deeply that I knew I would forever carry the scene with me. The beautiful angel was being held by Lena when Chi-Yang simply stepped up and tore her small body in two.

What I had witnessed in my mind, Jasper now felt, and I could not imagine his pain.

My beautiful, sweet and gentle man had been nearly destroyed again in the last week as the soldier came forward to fight. Now that man was feeling the death of a child as if it were his own. He had given me great strength, and now I gathered what strength was left in me to send back to him.

We must have looked pathetic in Gregorio's old bedroom. Neither of us had much left to give, yet we clung to each other as we rode out the horror and pain of the battle. After a few minutes, Jasper stood and took a few deep breaths. His body had pushed the small ring that hung on a chain against my chest. Though the ring and I were the same temperature, it seemed to burn into me as I thought about the choice that lay ahead of me now. That ring, and the love it represented, depended on me to survive. It was a burden Jasper couldn't share.

"They're waiting for us," he said. My mind flashed to the main floor for a moment and I saw the others standing around a pile of rock. Their faces were grim and set.

"You promise? You will leave if we need to?" I asked him again.

"I still think this is the best place for you, but if you know otherwise, then we can leave. I want peace, too, Alice, but I _need _protection for you. I can't lose you," he said in a quiet voice.

"I know," I smiled as I took his hand. The ring weighed heavy on its chain around my neck. "I have a choice to make now, and the outcome will affect us forever. I will try to make the best choice."

I took a breath and descended the stairs to make a decision that would change us forever.

***

Long ago, I had stood at a crossroads like this. I suppose I have stood here many times, and none of those choices had been easy. I had turned against my very nature to become what I desired. I had turned from my desire to find my mate to become a woman worthy of him. I had turned from friends and left them on the plains of Africa to return to a life that wasn't anything more than the promise of a possible future. But this crossroads was unlike the others. These roads lead to death and loss, but I didn't know which one would destroy us.

For the last two days, rapid visions of both glory and death repeatedly flashed through my mind. Even when I tried to see the immediate future, confusing visions of a hazy, distant future would break through becoming clearer and yet more conflicted with each passing hour. The only time I found relief from them was in battle. It was as if Jasper and I were doomed to a fate that we couldn't escape.

Even this home was doomed. We planned to open the gas line and light a candle in an upstairs room as we left. Nothing remaining after the gas explosion would give a clue as to what had truly happened here.

Nothing remaining after my absence would tell what I had done here, either. It was the curse of our endless lives, to be eternally here and yet leave no trace of our existence when we left. As far as the living of New York would ever know, I had never even been here.

I stood by the window as they pleaded with me. I might be in the broken home of old friends, but I felt like I stood on a precipice that had no safe descent. No matter what way I chose, I might fall.

"Alice," Ivan purred. "We are offering you the city. All of it is yours, just say so. You and Jasper could rule us here, and extend your influence over the whole East Coast. Think of it! You could be a queen here. Just promise to stay with us, and we will follow your every word. We swear it." His voice was so smooth and yet passionately fervent at the same time.

This was it. This was the broken path. And I didn't know which path to take.

I looked to Jasper. His eyes were down, but his fists were clenched. I knew he felt trapped between his overwhelming urge to protect me and his desperate need for peace. This was my decision, but I didn't think it would be this hard. My whole life had been entirely focused on three things; finding Jasper, finding my family, and finding myself. Jasper was here, I could no longer see my family, and I now doubted myself. I had once been so sure of my path, but now the road was blurred to the point of obscurity.

I turned to look out the window into the night. My red eyes looked back at me, holding both condemnation and undeniable promise.

It would be so easy. So very, very easy. Staying here was just so perfectly simple.

A few human voices could be heard as the city quieted for the coming night. Those voices and the sweet blood they promised called to me from the road, and the beast within me roared in delight. The memory of our victory and the human blood I had tasted cut across all that I had fought to become and let the beast closer and closer to the surface. I was so close to becoming the vampire I hated; that vampire looked so enticing now.

I longed to see my family and let their laughter and yellow eyes call me back to myself. But they didn't come. What choice had I made to drive them from my mind?

A horn honked, and I looked out onto the New York dusk. I could protect the humans here and the city and both my friends. I could be a great and benevolent leader and finally bring peace. I calmed my mind and focused on that path. It was what Jasper wanted, or at least said he did.

For the last two days, the visions of my future had turned from hazy possibilities to solid nightmares. Between the constant visions of war, my future had twisted and turned until I could barely understand what I was seeing.

I pulled my future into my mind, hoping that the right vision would come and I could make my choice. It came quickly and clearly. We were all dancing in a large room. Our gowns and dinner clothing was glorious in the light of a large chandelier. I don't know if it was a home or a ballroom, but the scene brought back fond memories of the glory days of New York. I noticed that my eyes were yellow as I was whirled by Jasper. We were dancing and smiling with the others, and life was just as I had dreamed it might be. Yes. I could bring those fabulous days back.

I felt myself relax as I at last made my choice, and I felt Jasper's response beside me. He had moved between the others and myself. I smiled; he was protective as always.

Before I could turn to him, several scenes flooded in at once. My decision had loosed a flood, and a maelstrom of visions hit me like a volley of bullets. Battles, several of them, raged hazily in my mind followed by the inevitable flames, but I could not see who was in them. Then we were dancing again, but though the gowns were brilliant, our smiles were gone, and my eyes were red. Then the scenes shifted, and in hazier futures, I stood alone, with red eyes and a pained face. I felt my body suck in air as my mind absorbed the agony etched on my face. Across from me stood others, many others. The others wore cloaks.

With finality, the last vision shook all that I was and all that I knew. It was set far off, but it was clear. I stood surrounded by stone walls, with crimson eyes and an emotionless face, and I wore the cloak. This vision was now more set in time than any of the others. If we stayed here, my greatest fear would come true.

I gasped at both the pain and the terror of what I saw, and Jasper's arms were around me in an instant. Reflectively, I grasped him around the chest and held him tightly until his peace drove the waves of fear away.

At last I understood.

We truly couldn't stay and _live._ Because of our gifts, or specifically mine, I would never find peace here. No matter how hard we tried, there would always be danger, and someday Jasper would lose his life protecting me from that danger.

Jasper had said he couldn't be a vampire and love, and he was more right than even he knew. Neither of us could be vampires and find the love we desired.

We had to leave, and I had to find the family that was lost to me now. My future and Jasper's life depended on it. We didn't need the family for love and companionship; we needed the family to survive. Our only chance at salvation lay with Carlisle's family.

Like a bright dawn at the end of a long, dark night, the vision of us running with the family through the woods near my cabin hit me and quickly left. The relief was instantaneous, as was the unmitigated joy that flooded my heart.

This was the reason for their absence. I could not waver like I had. The decision to live like I did had to be absolute with no room ever for doubt. I could save Jasper, I could save myself, and I could have my heart's desire, but I could not waver in my commitment to what I knew was right.

I grabbed Jasper's hand, turned to the others, and said with a wide smile, "It's time for me to go. I love you all, but your ways lead to death."

* * *

First off, I wanted to mention that Singularity and Coalescence are up for an Indie Twific Award! They were nominated in the Canon / AU Story that Knocks You Off Your Feet Category. Voting has ended, but being nominated is truly humbling! **_To all who voted or nominated my stories, THANK YOU!!_** You have no idea how much it means to me that you took the time to nominate and vote for my stories.

As many of you may have heard, someone stating that they are an administrator has been forcing authors off of fanfiction because they violated the terms of service (TOS) here. Several authors were targeted and many others have chosen to move their stories. Most of the authors wrote what are considered MA or NC-17 stories and these are not allowed on this site. Others posted lyrics within their stories, which is also against the TOS.

It has now come to my attention that the administrator who has done this may not even be a real administrator at all.

None of my stories is in danger, but I did want to address this and let you know about it.

If you are concerned with this issue, I would recommend either contacting the administration of the site or visiting the page of shortbritches85 who is starting a petition to get a separate, adult section to separate M stories from the main site.

Rcommendations for this week:

The Cannabean Betorthal by ItzMegan73. This is rated M, but has so far been very, very clean and is a wonderful romance.

And one of my readers, Marliarna, has written some very fun rated T short stories that you should check out!

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	13. Chapter 13: Becoming One

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This chapter contains Jasper and Alice's first intimate moments together, and while I have been very careful and fully assured by my betas that it remains well within the T rating, I want you to be aware of the contents. Should you have ANY issues with the contents of this chapter, please immediately pm me or put it in an anonymous review.

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* * *

_**Alice**_

"No, Alice, please don't go," said Mai-Li. My silent heart ached at her plea, but I was unmoved in my commitment now. The only way to survive, the only thing that could save us both, was by leaving New York.

"I truly am sorry, and I will miss you all terribly. You have been true friends, and I wish I could stay with you, but I can't. I can't bring you the safety you are looking for. It would be wonderful for a while, but we will be attacked again and again, and one day we will lose. We will lose everything."

"But that is exactly why we need you here," hissed Ivan, the smoothness in his voice gone. His tone now held an unmistakable threat to it, and I could sense Jasper's tension rising as a quiet growl rolled deep in his chest.

"Without you, we will be killed," stated Chi-Yang. "Without your gift, will be destroyed just as surely as Paul's coven was."

My already substantial guilt grew a hundred fold. _Paul's coven._ I had left them when they needed me most, and it had cost them their lives.

I could feel Jasper calming us even as he moved to a more defensive position in front of me. My stomach clenched as my mind showed me the vicious fight that was clearly possible now.

"Paul's coven did what I told them not to do. I warned them, but they wouldn't listen. If I had been there, I would have died in the attack as well," I said the words with an unsteady voice as I tried, yet again, to convince myself of their truth. What I knew as the truth and what I felt was the truth were two very separate things, but now was not the time to feel guilt for my past sins. I needed to focus only on convincing them of their danger and then escaping.

"Paul's coven openly defied the Volturi because he thought _you_ would protect them," said Lena quietly.

"No," I gasped as the ramifications of what she said hit me. My empty heart ached as my mind struggled with the knowledge that Paul had believed I could help him stave off the Volturi.

"The Volturi control most of the world's mafia, Alice. They controlled us until you came and made us all so rich that we didn't need them anymore. Paul began to break ties with them; to lie about our wealth and the source of it. If he hadn't, the Volturi would have demanded that you be handed over to them. They love wealth as much as power, and you are the source of both." Lena's voice was cold, and she refused to look at me.

"But he went to them freely," I protested weakly. "He went to them and allowed Aro see his memories. If he was lying to them, they would have known."

"Memories can be altered, Alice," hissed Ivan. "Our minds are vast enough to create false images to send to one like Aro. Tell me, did you truly _see_ Paul's coven die like you saw Carlos's army?"

I nodded, unable to answer him because my voice could no longer find words. Paul had gone to Volterra to meet with them. He had used me to fulfill his foolhardy scheme, but he also protected me from a fate worse than death, and I hadn't even realized it.

"The attackers who killed them, did they wear cloaks or capes?"

My mind went to the searing image of the coven's destruction. With the clarity that only truth can bring, I finally saw the capes -- flowing black against the white flashes of the bombs.

A sob shook me. "But why? Why wouldn't they believe me? Why would they stay if there was so much danger?"

Vasily stepped forward, and Jasper shifted his position with a low hiss. He was trying to alter the mood of the room, and I could feel wave after wave of calm sweep over me, but it wasn't helping. Despite his efforts, I could tell that my good friends were on the brink of becoming my most deadly enemies. Again, Jasper had been right. For vampires, friendship only mattered when there was something to gain.

"The Volturi will not share power with anyone, but they will use covens such as Paul's to keep their version of the law. For their alliance, Paul gave fealty and paid a tribute, a percentage of his take from the mafia here. When you came, our money grew ten fold, and we as a city became more powerful and wealthy than even the Volturi. Paul wanted to slowly reduce their standing here in the West and eventually become the ruler here. You nearly attained that goal for him. He was even able to use the parties you threw for us to gain powerful allies. He was so very close to succeeding, but the Volturi got word of what he was doing and demanded that he come and make a report to them. He was chastised by them and told to leave Europe and return to New York immediately, but he refused to do so. He stayed behind to build a faction of European vampires that would back him when he tried to take power. He thought he had fooled Aro, but I believe his ambition told the Volturi what his memories did not convey. When you told us of their deaths, we knew who was behind it.

"Alice, they know about you. Paul told them that you were simply gifted in money as you had told us, but they know the truth or at least part of it. They are coming soon, perhaps within a few months, and they want you. They have demanded that we hand you over. Your only hope is to build an army and stay with us." Vasily stood just a few feet away from me, but I felt as if he was lost in a distant fog. They knew about me. _They_ killed Paul's coven, and they were coming here.

The conflict I had seen with the cloaked figures replayed in my mind as a new vision. I was no longer among the New York covens as they faced the cloaked Volturi, and the result of the meeting was death. This time, I could see the features of my friends turn to ash in the flames.

I wrapped my arms around myself to try and keep the clawing pain away.

"You don't understand," I rasped. "You don't win. We can't win a battle against them. That is what I saw when I told you that your ways lead to death. You all die, and I am taken. We _can't_ win."

Ivan roared in frustration, and Jasper crouched and hissed, ready to fight. My teddy bear was now my deadliest enemy.

"You don't have a choice," Chi-Yang's cold voice sounded above the din. Something in his tone sent shivers through my already aching chest.

"What is that supposed to mean?" growled Jasper as he went into a full crouch.

Chi-Yang's smile was as cold as his voice, and his red eyes were hard as steel when he answered. "If you stay, we will find a way to fight and win, but if you go, we will tell them all about your gift. We will tell them _everything_ and then give them your scent. They will relentlessly hunt you down. The choice is yours."

Jasper growled menacingly again, but did not attack. The tension was thick and the totality of their betrayal was enough to crush me. These one-time friends were now willing to hand me over to my darkest fear. After all that we had been through and all that I had done for them, they were willing to destroy me. My anger rose against the reality of their threat.

"It doesn't have to be like that," said Ivan with icy calm. "All we are asking is for you to lead us. That's all. We will protect you, little one, and you can live with your mate in peace. It can be like old times. You are rich enough to buy a palace, and we will be your court. We can live like we did in the twenties."

"_That's_ the future that leads to death," I said as my desperation mounted. "You don't understand. The Volturi_ won't_ be stopped. You will be able to hold them at bay, but only for a while and then you will all burn. All of you." My voice cracked as the visions of their deaths flooded my mind. "I'm trying to save you from yourselves."

"If you leave we will be forced to accept their rule and do what they want. We will be little more than _minions_ to them," snapped Ivan. He was coming closer, shifting to an angle on Jasper's left while Chi-Yang shifted slightly to his right. It was their favorite angle of attack. A quick vision warned that they were going to take out Jasper to try to get to me.

I felt my body tighten, readying for a battle I loathed to fight. My mind was racing, trying to find any possible way to end this, but all the visions, all of them, ended in death and flames. In desperation I tried to find a link between Ivan and the Volturi, some way to both save them and to get out of this house and out of a fate that I should have never even come near.

Then, the one thing that both the New York covens and the Volturi had in common came to my mind, and I had my answer. Money. This was all about money, money and power, both of which I offered in unending supply.

"What if you pull a Nevsky?" I asked quietly. I almost laughed in relief as a quick vision of Jasper and I driving came to me. This might just work.

"Explain," said Lena. I could tell this situation was not to her liking. Perhaps she was the key to our escape. I felt Jasper send out new waves of calm and pity. He was already working on her.

"Having the Volturi as partners has its advantages," I argued. "They hold a substantial empire that extends around the globe. With telephones and telegraphs, they can contact anyone of their choosing within days rather than weeks. With my help, you could be on the ground floor of a whole new type of business. If you are the ones to initiate the idea, they will see you as partners, important partners, rather than minions." The mood shifted as Jasper sent them anticipation and excitement. We made such a good team.

"But if you aren't here, we won't know which decisions to make," countered Ivan as his stance became less threatening.

"I'll tell you. I can give you the names of companies to put stock in so that your wealth continues to grow. I can let you know which new technologies will work and how to use them. When the Volturi come, you will be both wealthy _and_ a vital source of new ideas. You will still work under them, but like Nevsky, you will have them in a good bargaining position.

"If I'm here, it won't work," I continued, trying to press my point and show them the danger that my presence entailed. "They won't leave without my gift, and that means that you will die trying to protect me. Don't you see? You only have the upper hand without me."

"You make sense, but how do we know you aren't double crossing us? How do we know you are speaking the truth?" asked Chi-Yang.

"You just trusted me with your lives in battle. Why won't you trust me with them in business?" I replied pointedly.

"You thought we were your friends during the battle. That isn't true anymore. You could betray us just as easily as we are willing to betray you."

His words stung like venom in my chest. I had been so wrong about my "friends" here. I had been so stupidly naive.

"I'm. _Not_. Like. You." The hissed words were my declaration of freedom. I truly wasn't a vampire like them, and that was a _good_ thing.

Chi-Yang just shrugged and nodded.

"So you will leave us with instructions. That's it? Do you really think that is enough?" asked Ivan, still vying for a better deal.

"I'll call with stock market tips and warn you if I see anything," I promised. "When the Volturi come, you will be more than ready for them. Now, I have a demand of my own."

Chi-Yang snorted. "You are hardly in a position to demand _anything._"

"I think I am," I pushed back. "I _won't _stay. I would rather fight you than face the future I see if I stay here." The ice in my voice matched my determined rage. "If you let me go, then you can have almost everything you desire, but with me, you _will_ burn. That is as certain as the sunrise now. If you want my help, you must not tell them about my full gift. Just tell them the same thing Paul did, that I am gifted with money, and then tell them the truth about why I left."

"The truth is that you saw them coming and ran from them in cowardly fear. You want us to tell them that?" Ivan asked with a raised eyebrow.

"The truth is that she found her mate and left the city," said Jasper firmly. "The truth is that her mate couldn't live so close to other covens. The_ truth_ is that her mate would have found a way to destroy you all." He pressed his point by sending anxiety through the room. He was very, very good at conflict.

The heavy silence that followed his threat was pregnant with tension, but Jasper was used to these situations and shifted the anxiety to peace. He sent it out so strongly now that even I began to relax because of him.

"Do we have an agreement?" he asked quietly.

"Yes," said Mai-Li quickly with a sharp glance at her mate. "There is no need for more death here today."

I was both relieved and pained at the same time. Mai-Li was the closest thing I had to a best friend. It hurt to know that that was no longer possible.

"I have one request, though," she said with a small smile at me. There was a definite longing to her voice, and I knew that she, at least, would miss me. "If you ever see that it is safe for us to return home, please let us know."

"Let us all know," Lena whispered, and then in a stronger voice, she said, "You should go now, before we change our minds."

I looked around the room into the faces of the ones I had nearly lost everything to protect. The sharp feeling of betrayal swept through me, acutely painful even through the peace of Jasper's gift. Ivan wouldn't look at me.

Jasper came to my side and began to usher me out, placing himself between me and the others. Suddenly Ivan was in front of us, a look of torn anguish on his face.

"_Please_, Alice. Please _stay with us_. I don't know what I will do without you here."

I would have felt sorrow or pity for him before this day, but I couldn't feel it now. I would not ever consider him a friend again. However, in honor of the kindness I once felt, I told him the only thing I could think of to bring him peace.

"You survive without me. If I were to stay, you wouldn't survive at all."

Jasper's arms went around me as he quickly pushed me out into the night.

I clutched Jasper's hand as if it was my only lifeline, and we ran at our fastest speed back to the city. I was numbly aware that he pushed me into the passenger seat of my car as he rushed into Ivan's home to gather our few items there. Within a few eternal seconds he was at the wheel of the car.

"You can't drive," I reminded him, but my voice sounded distant to me.

"_You_ can't drive," he said firmly. "I'll figure it out. It doesn't seem that hard." He gave me a small smile as he deftly pulled into traffic.

"I can too drive," I insisted, a little more alert now. He looked sideways at me and let out a small sigh. Suddenly, the little peace I felt evaporated into an avalanche of painful feelings. I was pummeled by emotions of rage, betrayal, fear, loss, and loathing. They struck with such force that I cried out, but before I even had a chance to take another breath, the peace washed through me again. He had protected me from so much more than I even realized or understood.

I slid over to him and buried myself into his side. His arm went around me as he leaned over to kiss my head.

"Where to?" he asked roughly. These last few days had cost him dearly, and I knew he had to be exhausted by the constant use of his gift, yet he still did what he could to protect me from my own emotions.

"North along the Hudson," I said. "We are going to my cabin – where I should have taken us first." I was now far too angry and frustrated with myself to feel his peace.

"You're not helping me," he reprimanded gently.

"I'm sorry," I sighed. It wasn't fair to him, and I knew it. I took several deep breaths as I tried to calm myself.

"Put your head in my lap," he instructed. I did so immediately, glad for the excuse to touch him. I felt his hand on my back, gently stroking my skin. It should have bothered me that his hand was under my shirt, but right now, I needed his touch. My body drank up the electrical feeling of his skin touching mine like it had been parched dry.

"Do you have any idea how much I _need_ you, Jasper Whitlock?" I asked.

His hand stopped moving for a second, and I heard his breath catch. I pulled up so that I could see his face. It was torn with a myriad of emotions.

"You need me?" His deep voice wavered.

I reached over and touched his face, allowing the stroke to fall down his neck and across his chest. He shuddered under my fingers.

"You've been protecting me since we met, I just didn't realize how much," I said, my own voice wavering. "I've never met anyone so strong. I didn't even know how wrong I was about the others, and I really couldn't have survived all this without you. You give me so much courage and strength. You heal me, Jasper. You make me whole, and I need _you_ more than blood to survive."

He took several deep breaths, and I could feel the swift rush of emotions my words evoked in him.

"You have no idea what that means to me, Alice."

His voice was rough and deeper than usual, and it reverberated through my body as his happiness reverberated through my mind. I smiled at the joy I had given.

We said no more for a while, I simply rejoiced in the feeling of love and the wonder of his touch. His hand continued it's leisurely, gentle path until I was nearly purring in contentment. Finally, I felt the car slow, and sat up to look at the road.

"Which way?" he asked quietly, looking at me with wonder. I hoped that he was returning to the man I loved.

"Take the right fork. I'll let you know as we get close to the turns," I said with a smile. These crossroads were easy to navigate. Happiness began to build within me at seeing the familiar roads because I knew the beautiful place they led to.

"What are you hoping to find in the cabin?"

"Peace." I smiled at him, and he gave me a look a little like possessive hunger. "Peace and quiet, and a time to rest and get to know each other. That's all," I said as my mind reminded me of how much of a lie that was. My mind, and a goodly portion of my body, screamed out the most important thing to be found in that cabin -- iron beds.

***

I crouched deeply into the rock's crevice and kept my senses keenly alert to give me the warning I needed for a quick escape. Any hint of movement, the mere trace of a scent, or the slightest whisper of noise would be enough to have me instantly bolt from my hiding place. Of course, my current surroundings hindered all of those senses. The wind roared so loudly here in the peaks of the White Mountains that hearing or smelling Jasper was nearly impossible. That's what made the game so fun.

I eased my head around the rocks and looked across the rocky terrain around me. My hair whipped wildly in the high winds as I scanned the crags and tree line below – which held so many places for a predator to hide – but saw nothing. So I settled back into my hiding place to wait for the imminent attack. I didn't need my visions to tell me Jasper was going to find me; that was simply a fact. Hitting him with the carcass of a fish insured his vengeance.

I let my mind return to the memories of the last two days -- days of healing and happiness that helped to erase the pain of the three weeks I had spent in New York. Here, in the beauty of the mountains, I could almost pretend it hadn't happened. Almost.

We arrived at the cabin after dawn on May 3rd – twenty days after we had met. Neither of us had any desire to do more than hold each other on the single sofa we uncovered in the cabin. We simply sat for hours, surrounded by silent dust and muslin, touching each other and talking about what I had learned of Paul's coven and the danger I had been in. As I worked through my feelings, Jasper did his best to ease my frustration at myself. I had trusted vampires, and it had very nearly cost me everything. I had trusted Paul, and he had used me as a tool against an enemy that would destroy us all. I wondered how many other things I had missed in my time with them. I felt foolish, betrayed, and exploited.

For his part, Jasper began to relax once I had worked through all that had happened. He could not, and would not, let his guard down until he was sure I was healing, but then he was willing to finally open up to me. He spoke of the pain during our battles and of his life with Maria. He even told me about some of his past battles. He shared with me what it was like for him to fight and destroy, and the agony of feeling the little girl's pain at her death.

He drew into himself as he spoke of her. "She was beautiful, wasn't she?" he asked, not wanting an answer. "She was just so perfect. I didn't want her to die, but I know she couldn't have been saved. She still held on to so much of her innocence, and she was _so_ afraid. Her fear at her death was almost the worst thing I have ever felt. The saddest part of it all is that we will never even know her name." I held him then, and marveled at the strange compassion he could feel even in the midst of murderous battle.

As he lay in my arms, he told me again of his mindset before he met me, and his desire to find a coven to kill him, and I shuddered at how closely I had come to doing exactly that.

By nightfall, we had decided to clean ourselves up and make the home livable. Though it took a while to get the water heated on the wood stove, I made sure we both enjoyed a warm bath. We didn't need it to be warm, but it just felt so good, and the water washed away the filth and stench of death and battle. When I emerged from the bubbles, I felt as if I had indeed washed away the mistakes of my past. I don't know if it was Jasper's gift still working in me or if it was my natural urge to find hope in my future, but I was a whole and happy woman as I dried and dressed to meet my personal heaven in the living area.

We still said very little as we cleaned and organized, and we touched even less, but there was a slight tension growing between us that was strangely pleasant. It was like the wonderful current that electrified our skin when we touched; only it filled the air between us with an exciting promise of future joy. Even as I worked, I kept seeing Jasper look at me with an odd but intense expression on his face. I couldn't name the look, but it spoke to my deepest instincts and made my stomach both clench and fill with happy butterflies at the same time.

And then, as the room filled with the mid-morning sun, I noticed a small circular object hanging from a piece of twine around Jasper's neck. It was hidden underneath the sweater I had chosen for him, but the fragile ring was definitely there. My entire body tingled with excitement and intense anticipation when I saw it because I understood that by wearing it, Jasper was claiming me as his own. Jasper looked up curiously at my happy gasp. His beautiful cockeyed smile met my grin.

"I found some twine and thought I should put it on," he said with a shrug. I was instantly by him, carefully touching the circular bump under the soft weave of the sweater. He leaned down and kissed me hard, and I resisted the urge to crush my body against his. I didn't want to destroy the very items that had given me such joy.

This kiss was intense, and his lips moved against mine fervently until his mouth parted and our tongues became engaged in the activity.

"You taste so good," he said when he finally pulled away. "Better than I ever thought possible."

"Yeah, you too," I said stupidly. I was too caught up in the intensity of both my emotions and actions to be coherent at the moment.

I was suddenly too shy, too unsure of myself, to look directly at his grinning face, so I traced the outline of the old ring that hung over the silent hole of his heart.

"Is this how you wore them before?" my uncertainty asked. Suddenly alone with him, my mind wandered to the searing images of Maria. I would have given anything at that moment to not know of his past lover.

As always, he understood the meaning behind my words.

"She never knew they existed. These are symbols of sacrificial love. I refused to defile them with her touch," he said vehemently.

"But you will wear it with me," I whispered, an incredible feeling of weightlessness filling me. _Never with Maria, only with me._ At that moment, I could fly.

He leaned over, kissing my forehead and then laying his own there.

"It makes you happy, doesn't it?"

"Of course. More than happy -- so much more than happy."

He frowned. "I just wish I had something truly special to give you. You deserve so much more."

"You gave me the only thing left of your human life: the untainted symbols of sacrificial love. You give me yourself. What else is there?" I asked in honest frustration. "How can I convince you that you are _everything_ I've ever wanted?"

A deep purr resounded within Jasper, and an answering need quivered through me. It was a hot hunger that grew of a longing other than thirst. Before it could consume me, though, it was met by the cold grip of uncertainty clawing its way through the heat. As much as my body desired his, that timid hesitancy wanted distance. I loathed my hesitation and… fear. Now we were so close, and it was so perfect. Why did I fear touching him? Why did I fear the next, most natural, step? Why did I doubt everything about myself in the face of absolute intimacy?

I shyly looked in his eyes, and met the same bewildered mix of emotion from him, but I didn't know if it was his, or mine mirrored in him.

"Beloved," he purred, deeper now. Then there was a deep chuckle. "We have time." The words were sweet breath pushing against my face. "Show me the beauty of these mountains?" he said as a question, husky and low. I could not find my voice to answer, so I nodded, and his hand found mine and we walked into the wildness of the woods around Lost Pond.

Running across the rough terrain with Jasper immediately cleared my mind and let the now uncomfortable heat within me cool to a simmer. As much as I wanted to be running up the stairs to the iron beds, he was right again. Neither of us was quite ready for that, though we soon would be.

I spent the next day showing Jasper the full beauty of the ranges that make up the White Mountains. By nightfall, we ended up along the Dry River at the base of the Presidential Range. The normally low river was rushing at spring flood stage, and it was beautiful in the rising moonlight. We had been talking of our pass times, teaching each other the small, important things about ourselves.

"I saw you watching a baseball game once," I said.

"I played a rough version of the game in the war. We'd wrap old, bloody bandages into a ball to play. It was one of the only ways we were able to forget the horror and just be boys for a while. I still like watching the game because it reminds me of something good in my life."

"Bloody bandages?"

"Yep. It's morbid, I know, but it was all we had," he shrugged. "We all wrestled, too. It was fun pitting ourselves against each other and givin' the new guys a good wallopin'."

"Sounds fun," I said with as much sarcasm as I could.

"Boys play differently than girls."

"No kidding."

He laughed and tousled my hair, which made me squeal in protest. He laughed harder at me, so I pushed him into the deep water in the curve of the river.

Vampires don't go down easily, and he grabbed my arm just as he fell, dragging me under the water with him. I came up with my short hair plastered to my face and what I thought was a look of rage on my face.

And he laughed at me.

"Dang it, you're cute when you're mad," he sniggered.

That was it. I looked with both my eyes and mind for a good form of revenge, and found it almost instantly. My hand shot into the water and brought up a large trout, which I used to hit Jasper's grinning face.

To my consternation, his smile only got wider.

"Oh, darlin', are you wantin' a fight?" he asked with playful delight. I began to swim away from him as quickly as I could, but I immediately felt my head hit by the same slimy dead fish that I had used on Jasper.

"Jasper!" I screamed, as I smelled the unmistakable stink of fish guts coming off my hair. "I just shampooed!" I yelled in frustration to the rapidly running form of my laughing mate.

My visions did me proud, and I saw him perched in the top of a tree near the summit of one of the lower mountains in the range. I didn't even try to take him from below, but rather ascended the peak from the far side, took careful aim, and launched the fish at him as he scanned the forest below. I was already running when I heard his whoop of protest.

Which is why I now crouched on the windswept top of Mount Washington diligently searching for a vampire armed with the need for vengeance and the mangled carcass of a fish. I had to laugh at my situation, and the ridiculous joy of finally being free.

Suddenly, I was laughing in a room full of people. No,not people -- vampires. _My _vampires. Emmett and Edward were frantically wrestling in a wide room, and they were both so intent on the struggle that they didn't see Esme's figure dash up with a scowl on her face. With a swift motion of her hands, both boys were suddenly trouser-less. Rosalie doubled over in laughter while Carlisle hid his face in his hands and shook with laughter.

For their parts, Edward and Emmett just stood there, trying to gather the shreds of their pants and their dignity as Esme glared at them, hands on hips.

"Take it outside and leave my furniture _alone_," she seethed, pointing to the door. "Haven't you two already done enough damage to this house?"

The boys mumbled a faint, "Sorry, Esme," but neither one moved. They looked unsure of what to do next since they were standing there in boxers. Suddenly, Emmett's hand shot out and smacked Edward's head hard enough to make him stumble forward, and the fight was back on, sans pants.

Esme let out an impressive, guttural roar, and the boys simply dropped the remnants of their clothing and ran for the door, trading punches as they did.

I wasn't fast enough to stop the giggle that bubbled up after that.

Drat.

I searched for a vision of Jasper, but none came, so I decided to try and look around the normal way. I crawled out of the fissure, began to scan the horizon around me, and came face to face with the gaping mouth of a partial fish.

I screamed loudly and tried to run for it, but Jasper was quicker, and suddenly I was caught from behind and we went tumbling down the slope. I was securely locked in his fish-bearing arms while chunks of it pressed into my belly as we rolled.

I should have been angry, but his glorious laugh rang in my ears and lightened my heart. By the time we rolled into the trees, we were both laughing so hard we couldn't talk. We spent a few short moments smacking each other with fish remnants until we could gather our senses and speak again.

"I can't believe it worked," he said in triumph when the last of the fish was thoroughly ground into our clothing.

"What?"

"I was able to sneak up on you. I can't believe it." He was grinning from ear to ear.

"How did you do it?" I wondered out loud, a little disconcerted that he had managed it on purpose. Stupid, erratic visions.

"I followed your scent as far as I could, but I never chose a way to attack. I just kept walking and focusing on your trail until I felt you. I never decided at all to attack, and let me tell you, that was tough." He was still laughing and the smugness he was feeling radiated off of him like stink off a dog. "Your giggling helped, too," he said as he rumpled my hair.

I smiled at him and sighed. I had forgotten how much I truly _hate_ fish.

"We stink," I said.

He smiled his cockeyed smile. "Yep."

"The dawn will be here soon, shall we go back to the cabin and clean up?"

"Wanting a bubble bath?" he taunted.

"No, just a quick lake bath will do," I replied tartly. I really could use another bubble bath, though.

Jasper smiled and took my hand as we began a leisurely run back to the cabin. He kept glancing at me, and his face held an intense look of desire; something akin to a hunting predator's look, only somehow tender.

Along with those wistful looks, the hungry feeling radiated from him -- or perhaps from me and was simply echoed by him -- and it ever so slowly heated my body again. It was warm and demanding and not unlike our thirst. Only this hunger was seated deep within both my belly and my dead heart.

We quickly gathered our things and I sent Jasper off to the far side of Lost Pond while I took my bath on a shelf created by a submerged slab of stone. The place was a favorite of mine, because the thick pine boughs of an old, leaning tree dipped all the way to the water and created a semi-circular space that was almost magical. There, behind the heavily scented curtain of green, I laid my clothes across a branch and quickly began to bathe in the thigh deep water. The starlight made dapples of silver light flit over the water as it shone through the branches, and the light was mimicked by fireflies as they danced among the reeds. Except for our presence, the lake's water was almost still, and the night's sounds created a background symphony to accompany the beauty of the place.

I felt myself melt into the natural rhythm around me. Each sound and motion of the breeze called to me, a mystical creature in a mystical place.

I carefully scrubbed every part of my body that the horrid fish had touched, and glided off the submerged shelf to rinse my body and wet my hair, and then quickly returned to the ledge for my shampoo. I didn't want to take too long; the strange hunger was gnawing at my belly in the most demanding way.

I felt the shampoo bottle drop into the water as a clear vision flowed over me. It was of Jasper. He was standing by the large window in my bedroom with his back turned to me and his body framed in sunlight. The sun sent shards of shattered light across the room as it hit his naked skin. Then the vision shifted. I was standing motionless in a dark pool of water surrounded by pine boughs. Jasper was behind me, the starlight speckling through the tree boughs onto his naked skin. "Alice?" he said.

"Alice?" His deep voice went through me -- through my very bones.

I felt myself gasp, and my instincts told me to face him, but my fear kept me rooted to the spot. I felt his cold hands gently trace a line of fire across my shoulders and down my arms. I didn't look at him; my eyes were locked instead on the trunk of the tree.

"Is this alright, Beloved?" His question was a rumble made of the deep sounds of the earth.

"Yes." My answer was the breathless reply of the night breeze.

I heard the water stir behind me, and my stomach fluttered at the thought of him moving closer to me. I had wanted this since I first saw him in the hazy vision that began my life, but I had also feared this as long as I had wanted it. Now that the time had come, I felt utterly unsure of myself.

I felt him come to stand behind me, his body carefully separated from mine by mere inches. Instead his hands began to massage my scalp as he washed my hair. Under the electricity of his fingers, the flutter became a tremble, and my body tensed in anticipation. He continued to rub my hair, gently loosening the tension with his soft, slow touch, and I felt my muscles respond despite my growing apprehension. My fingertips pulsed with the need to feel his skin, but I could not move. I was firmly locked between desire and uncertainty.

He continued to work through my hair, and then his fingers worked their way down my neck. I gasped at the feeling of his slick fingers against my utterly bare skin, and felt myself moan as they slowly explored their way across my back. His touch was gentle and his hands were smooth from the lather. The hunger in me grew to a fire, a burn that had to be quenched. He worked his way down my back until his hands rested on my hips.

I had never been touched there. I had never felt this.

His hands paused there, rubbing small circles, and I knew he was waiting for me, but for the moment, I couldn't understand why. Then a thick glob of bubbles fell to the water around my knees. Oh. Right.

Instantly, I dove into the dark water and swam quickly around feeling the soap slip from my hair and my courage wash away with it. I could make out Jasper's pale form as he stood under the hanging pine branches. He was waiting on the ledge, facing me, and I could feel his eyes on me as I swam. The hungry burn turned almost painful. I was so afraid, and so unsure of myself, and so very, very sure of my fate all at once.

Just inside the evergreen ring, my destiny, my mate, waited. _My mate_. It was time to make him fully mine, to take his body as I had taken his heart. And I was ready to become fully his. Forever. For the first time in my life, the word eternal held an exquisite promise.

I slowly swam over to him trying to let the motion of the water soothe my nerves. My chest felt strangely empty as I neared the ledge. It was as if it missed the pounding heartbeat that should have hammered in the now silent space; the last human reaction to the reality that I was about to join with my mate in the most physical and intimate way. I swam almost to his legs before daring to stand. His hand appeared just above the water. I tentatively took it, and he pulled me gently but quickly into his arms.

Nothing in this world could have prepared me for the sensation of him.

The feel of our wet skin sliding against each other in the most intimate areas was enough to make shy away. Instead as his hands pressed me against him, a low, wild growl sounded from somewhere deep within me. I needed him, needed to touch his skin, and needed him to ease the fire smoldering in my body. Only he could stop the burning hunger now.

His lips smiled as he kissed me. First across my brow, and then down my face to my jaw, and then up to my lips. My growl was met with an equally fierce one reverberating through him. My uncertainty and fear slipped away and my arms wound around his neck, pulling me up into his kiss as his hands pressed me even harder against him. The feeling of our bodies, silken stone pressing softly into silken stone, was almost too much to take, and yet I couldn't feel enough of him. My mouth became desperate in its need to taste him, and my hands yearned for the electricity of his skin.

I felt my mouth open to his, and our tongues began an intricate dance as we tasted each other's venom. My hands exploded with the sensation of rubbing over his muscular back and then down his spine. The growl became a roar in my throat, and I brought my arms back up to wrap around his neck as my legs wrapped around his torso.

Suddenly, he broke away from my kiss and caught my face with his hands.

"Beloved, we have_ time_," his words were a murmur, a moan of happiness. He gently pushed me down from him, lightly kissing my eyes, and then brushing kisses across my lips. His eyes held a look of triumph as he stepped away from me and slowly gazed down at my body. I dropped my eyes, utterly aware of just how exposed I was.

"You are exquisite!" His voice was exultant and worshipful at the same time. "I never dreamed you could be so beautiful." I felt my smile, shy but growing, spread over my face. His hand pulled my eyes back up to his. "_Never_ hide from me, Alice. I need to see all of you. You have no idea how much I need to see you now."

Hesitantly, because I didn't know what I should do next, I let my gaze fall across his muscular form. Even in the shade, the crescent bite marks could be seen, creating a filigree web of silver that cascaded down his long body. They were a permanent reminder of horror; a permanent tribute to strength. I lifted my hands to caress his face and slowly let them drift down, tracing the muscles across his chest and abdomen, and tentatively resting them on the side of his hips.

"I have never seen anything so beautiful in my life," I whispered. He was simply... masculine. He was sleek and strongly built despite his thin frame. The stone of his body was harder than mine, as if the structure of his muscles had retained the differences defining male from female. Yet, poised between my hands, the evidence of his utter maleness was inescapable. Looking at him, the wild hunger completely enveloped my body and tugged at my mind. I needed him now. I needed him at every level of my being... but I had no idea of what to do.

He felt it, of course. His cockeyed smile and lifted eyebrow told me he felt it all. He tenderly leaned over to kiss my lips, and his arms scooped me up against him.

"I don't know... I want to... but I just don't --" The halting words fell from my lips even as they kissed him back.

"Let me love you, Alice. Let me do this for you. I have wanted this from the day we met, but I wanted to do it _right._ Let me _show_ you now how much I love you," he begged as he kissed my face, my jaw and my throat. His lips worked their way across my chest, igniting it on fire. I didn't even notice when he carried me into the cabin. I only knew we were inside when I felt the soft sheets and heard the groan of a bed as I was laid on it. Jasper's hands slid behind my neck for a moment, and when he pulled away, I could see the metal bands swinging from his hand as he placed both rings on the bedside table.

"But--" I began, and was silenced by his smile.

"They'll get crushed."

I looked at him, not understanding his actions at first, but then I saw the wild possessiveness in his eyes as he raked them over my body. I could feel his own need, his aching _want_, so strong it was undeniable now. His untamed desire for me crashed over me, making the aching burn so intense I moaned. Oh, yes. They would get crushed.

"I mean for you to have them forever," he said firmly as he returned to the bed. His eyes never left my body.

"Forever," I echoed. The word soothed my innermost fears.

"I am eternally your mate, Alice. I will be with you until the stars themselves fail. Nothing can ever end that now." He was over me, his body pressed against mine, and I felt myself falling under his spell. My body moved against his with motions so instinctual that I did not command them.

He laughed in an answering growl that was anything but tame. His hand traced my face, and then went down the length of my body gently swirling along my skin and pressing into my hips, pulling me hard against him. I purred in response.

"Do you remember the colors?" He asked, his rough voice an octave lower than normal.

"Yes," I smiled at the incredible memory. And then he released his feelings. I was suddenly caught up in a whirlwind of emotion and animalistic hunger. I thought I knew how he felt, but he had held his full emotions at bay. These feelings were unbearable in their intensity. This was his unrelenting, voracious desire for me, and my own desire, dormant for so long, rose to meet his. I was nearly drowned as our love and desperate need echoed between us, growing to a crescendo that my body arched to meet.

"You haven't seen anything yet," he growled, fulling unleashing the instinctive side of our nature.

_**Jasper**_

The rings tinkled quietly as I laid them on the small table, and they distracted me for the briefest moment. They lay together, one ring on the other with their cords intertwined. There was something utterly beautiful about the way the old metal laid there. Or perhaps it was simply what the rings represented that was so lovely.

My gaze fell back to Alice, and my eyes drank in her unparalleled beauty with more pleasure than blood had ever brought me. She was lying back on the bed, utterly exposed and fully trusting. She looked confused and her eyes passed between the rings and me.

"But—"

I smiled at her protest. She was so innocent and unaware of what we were capable of.

"They'll get crushed," I said with a voice low and gravelly from my painful need.

My eyes went again to her form, memorizing every curve and indentation; a compulsory need that I could not ignore. Nothing in the universe compared to her. I had once wondered at her age, concerned that she was more child than woman, but her body, though small, was that of a fully grown, fully feminine, woman. The curve of her waist as it swelled to form her perfect hips proved that, but it was her exquisite breasts, perfectly full spheres, that held my awe. Alice was definitely a woman.

Yet she still held the timidity of a child in her heart.

"I mean for you to have them forever," I said, hoping to show her that there was nothing in this to fear.

"Forever," she said, and her timidity vanished with the word.

"I am eternally your mate, Alice. I will be with you until the stars themselves fail. Nothing can ever end that now." She had to know that. If there was any true thing in the universe, it was that.

I felt her trust in me, her pure and perfect belief in my ability. No one had ever had so much faith in me. That faith made this act even more beautiful and necessary.

My body fled to hers, and I was over her, my need to mate, to become finally and fully one, was more painful than any burn in my throat had ever been. I held that need reigned in as tightly as I could, but I knew I was losing ground in that battle. The only thing keeping me from taking her in my nearly insane state was her trust, her innocence, and the fact that she was a gift I could never deserve.

No one else had ever taken her. No one else had even _seen_ her. What she was shyly sharing with me, what she was waiting for me to take from her, she had shared with no other. It was mine alone. She was mine alone. And I was entirely hers.

Her body moved in response to me, a demonstration of her willingness. I laughed in joy and growled in desire, all at once. Of its own accord, my hand traced her curves in reverent adoration until I gently eased her into the right position below me. She groaned under me, shivering in her anticipation.

My emotions were set to explode.

"Do you remember the colors?" I asked, barely able to keep them at bay.

"Yes," she sighed. The memory filled her with serene happiness.

I let myself overflow into her. All of it poured from me: my adoration, my love, and my lustful need. She took it in with a cry, and arched her perfect body into mine.

"You haven't seen anything yet," I said. It was my last coherent thought as the man and predator melded into one.

* * *

**So, what do you think? _PLEASE_ tell me, because I truly do want to know.**

We are now half-way done with the story. Finding and becoming a member of the Cullen family will make up the second half of this tale.

As for recommendations today, I would like to suggest that you go look into the final list for the **Indie Awards** and take a moment to vote for these very deserving stories. Scroll down the vote page to find a true jewel, An Introduction to Swirl and Daisy.

I would also like to recommend one of my favorite T-rated one shots by Leelan Oleander called Burning Man, one of the funniest Emmett stories ever written.


	14. Chapter 14: In Search of Home

Please don't kill me.

I tried, I_ really_ tried to get to the Cullens, but Jasper and Alice had other ideas. This chapter became a monster, and I needed to cut it in half. The plus side to this is that the next chapter will be posted within a few days. This is only from Jasper's point of view – the explanation for that is below.

If you ever have a chance, be sure to thank Remylebeauishot, Mistral123, and Vanessa James! They slogged through _thousands_ of words to help me fix this chapter. Seriously, they deserve medals. I love you ladies!!

Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and all its characters. I own the original characters and an ancient laptop that died while I was on vacation (which explains why this was so late in posting).

* * *

_**Jasper**_

For the first time in my immortal existence, I had no idea what day it was. For the first time, I couldn't care less.

Alice was laying over me, her hands running lazily down my arms as we slowly returned from the intoxicating oblivion of our lovemaking. Nothing in my experience could have prepared me for the sensation of losing myself in her love. When we had finally come together, the strength of our emotions and the _feel _of our physical love wholly engulfed us both. We would tumble through a wave of passion only to be swept into a pool of joy after the physical act was complete. The tidal shifts continued to roll over us until the physical and emotional acts came together in perfect harmony, bathing our minds in colors so bright and intense they outshone my memory of the sun.

My body could have gone on like this for days, perhaps weeks or longer, never tiring of the feel of Alice. However, I was blissfully emotionally spent, and I could feel the same in Alice. Besides, my throat burned.

I swallowed in an automatic, but useless, attempt to ease the burn. Alice felt it, and moved her body so that she could face me. The feel of her skin against me, of the shift in her subtle curves as she drew herself up to look at me, nearly drove me back into the lustful madness from which I had just emerged. Truthfully, I would happily sink back into that state.

Alice's beautiful face engulfed my view as she looked at me curiously. I smiled automatically at seeing her face. Even though we hadn't disentangled from each other in several days, every time I caught a glimpse of her exquisite beauty, it was like the first time I saw her and knew she was for me. The same rush of love, breathlessly new and exciting, ran through me.

"You feel different," she said out of the blue.

I chuckled at her odd statement. "You've been _feeling_ me for quite a while now. What is different about now?" To make my point, I grabbed her arms and pushed her up and down along my body. She giggled and kissed me when I pulled her back up, and I promised myself to do that again. The feeling of her sliding over me like that was positively invigorating.

"You know, I have baby oil in the car. We should do that again with the oil," she mused as she cocked her head to look at me again.

"Dear God, woman, I love you."

She laughed again, the pure notes strengthening my already happy mood. When she looked at me again, it was with serious eyes. "You _are_ different, Jasper."

"I know," I said as I brushed her wildly tangled hair out of her eyes.

"It's like the jagged edges of you have been worn away. You seem…" She pursed her lips and struggled for words. "You seem softer now, like a quiet mist over a smooth lake. There is a peace within you that's real, not something you manufactured. It makes you even more beautiful."

"_More _beautiful?" My hands traced the features of her face. She looked at me as if I was an angel and not the gargoyle I had been forced to become. You couldn't make something more of what wasn't there in the first place. My hands traced along her neck and dropped to slide down her back. "You did this to me, Beloved. When you gave yourself to me, trusted me with everything you are, it changed me. I feel it too."

"I'm not the same either."

"No, you're not."

"I feel so sorry for all those other vampires who think they know what love is," she said with a sigh.

"Sorry for them?"

"Yep. They have no idea what they are missing. They don't get to love you." Alice punctuated her sentence with a kiss on my shoulder.

"Most vampires wouldn't really think I was much of a catch. Especially the males."

Her giggle did wonderful things to her body as it lay over me, and I stopped her talking to kiss her hard.

She was quite serious, and she really did feel pity for them. Although it defied everything I believed about myself, she considered herself the most fortunate vampire on earth. I felt a surge of pride at that.

"No woman has ever been more thoroughly loved than me. I'm quite sure of that," she said as she broke away. My pride grew that much more.

"Are you sure of that? Because I'm willing to try harder. We need to be sure of these things," I said, my voice more purr than words. She giggled again, and I raked my fingers down her side, causing her to squeal and ball up. The whole ticklish thing was becoming one of my favorite weaknesses. Suddenly, she was all over me, kissing my face and body at vampire speed. My little pixie threw herself into loving me with as much rambunctious energy as she did everything else. More, actually.

A loud crack outside brought me out of our joyful lovemaking, and I was instantly at the window trying to find the source of the noise.

"Moose," Alice said lazily from the bed at the same moment as the creature walked into view. I relaxed a little, but the false alarm brought up a thought that I cursed myself for not realizing earlier.

"Do the New York covens know of this place?"

"They have never been here, but they know of it."

"We should leave," I said with finality. If they knew of it, they might try to find it. I shook my head at my own stupidity. I should have thought of this. They could have easily attacked while we were locked in each other's arms.

"They aren't coming," Alice said with the same finality in her tone. I turned to look at her, and saw her smiling at me, eyes wide with wonder. The crystal of my skin caused thousands of tiny rainbows to sparkle across the room and play across her face.

"This is my vision," she whispered

"You saw me standing here?"

"Uh-huh. You are just so beautiful Jasper. I saw this in the lake, right before you came to me. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever foreseen, but it really didn't do you justice."

"You saw me looking at a moose, but didn't see us in bed? How did you miss the first part? For a seer, you don't catch the important things very well."

"I think I couldn't see past the fish. I really do hate fish." I watched her laugh, sprawled across our bed, and felt the peace of completeness fill me. She truly had changed me.

Then I looked around the room.

The bed had twisted off its base, and each of the four legs now leaned at odd angles. The bolts had been sheered off, and poked from the floor like mangled teeth. Shredded bed linens and what were possibly once pillows littered the floor in a pattern that resembled a bomb's blast.

We had nearly destroyed the place.

I was so proud I could have burst.

"Oh my," Alice said in awe. We looked to each other, and she covered her gaping mouth with her hands and giggled. "I can't believe we did this."

"I can."

She scrambled from the bed and let out a yip when she saw her hair. She tried patting the upright mass, but it just popped back up.

"You could have told me I look like this," she scolded.

I laughed again, totally at ease with her. "You are beautiful. Besides, I think it looks cute on you." I looked at her annoyed face and held back the chuckle that threatened to break out. That would only get me into trouble. The red was nearly gone from her eyes, and the burn had returned to my throat.

"What day_ is _it, anyway?" asked Alice as she broke a comb in her hair.

"I have no idea."

"That's weird. Normally, I know how many seconds pass, but I have no clue how long we've been here. That's really... incredible." She smiled mischievously. Again, a surge of pride swept through me. "We need to hunt, though, so it must have been more than seven days." She stood and made her way to the door.

I leapt in front of her, blocking her way, and pulled her into my arms.

"Where _exactly_ are you going?"

"To get hunting clothes," she said with exasperation. "You don't expect me to hunt naked, do you?"

I raised an eyebrow.

"Jasper Whitlock!"

The other eyebrow went up.

"You can't be serious."

The right side of my mouth went up.

"You are _such_ a man," she huffed.

"Yes, ma'am."

She turned her head to the side and looked at me before she went blank. It only lasted a moment, but when she came back, she did so with a gasp. "Oh!" She covered her mouth and looked at me with round eyes.

"So -- what shall we do until nighttime?" she finally asked, having seen the inevitability of my plan.

My drawl was long and lazy. "Well, you did mention something about baby oil..."

***

I understood numbers one through four, but after that, I was at a total loss as to what I was looking at. No matter how long I stared at the bamboo scroll, the figures on it refused to look like the humans Alice said they were. I turned the thing on its side, thinking that one figure looked a bit like a man doing push-ups that way, but none of the diagrams formed anything that resembled bodies, at least not normal ones. Except for number thirty-seven. I could make out the body, but I was absolutely sure neither human nor vampire could do that.

"I don't see how this works," I huffed. I hated admitting defeat.

Alice smiled and righted the scroll. "I'll do number thirteen. I really want to try it. Once you see it, I think the other ones will come into focus for you." She lithely stood in the robe that covered her drying body. Her hair was still wet from the bubble bath after our hunt.

I had dutifully eaten, but remained woefully unsatisfied. The burn, normally gone after feeding on humans, still remained as a nagging reminder to the pleasure I hadn't felt. Alice promised to make up for the lack of taste in our meal and had brought in a suitcase full of things that she swore would make me happy.

She paused and looked at me coyly. Shy uncertainty flowed from her. I was mesmerized by her still hands holding the sash of her robe closed. There was something utterly alluring about her as she undressed for me.

"Alice, there is no reason for you to be shy, my love. I just watched you take down a bull moose, what else is there to see?" My tone was teasing, but the suspense was killing me. I really wanted to watch her remove that robe.

"Well," she said with a playful pout, "you haven't seen this." The robe fluttered to the ground, and she stood in the morning light clothed in the most delicate lacy thing I had ever seen. I felt my body tense in odd places, and I swallowed hard. I had no idea how it even stayed on her, but seeing her features tantalizingly hidden by something so sheer nearly reduced me to a puddle.

"Alice, I… um… wow."

"Do you like it?" she purred. Her smile was anything but innocent.

I tried to answer, but all I managed was an unintelligible gurgle. As a man of war, I had never really appreciated the deadly beauty of lace, but the flimsy stuff was a potent weapon on Alice's body.

She slinked away from me, and contorted her body on the floor in such a way as to cause the air in my lungs to escape in one whoosh as my body spontaneously contracted.

"Do you see it now? _This_ is number thirteen." She looked back at my paralyzed form and laughingly wiggled her bottom. For just a moment, I was too shocked to move, but then she winked at me with an evil grin, and I was suddenly on her.

Dire enemy or not, I would be eternally grateful to Mai-Li.

***

_May 17, 1948_

I had no idea why, but the gilded mirror gave Alice immeasurable joy. She was standing before it, combing her hair when the vision hit, and I felt her flood with extreme happiness before returning to me. She had done this several times in the last few days, and it was becoming annoying.

Or maybe I was just annoyed at the timing. Or the utter nothingness of animal blood.

"Sorry," she said when she noticed my face. I hadn't hidden my annoyance very well.

"What is it you see in that?"

She sighed and shrugged before answering. "It's the family. I can see us with them."

"And that makes you happy?"

"It makes me happy because _we _are happy there."

"So the mirror helps you see the future?"

"No," she laughed. "I see the far future in it, yes, and we are with them. I don't need the mirror to do that, though. I see us with them no matter what future I look to."

I tried to keep the stab of raw jealousy at bay. She had told me of the family, of course, and we had talked of them several times. A large coven, so close that they were a family, that could protect us. They lived far from the city, but easily interacted with the humans in their area. They lived happy, peaceful lives. Regardless of how often Alice tried to tell me how wonderful they were, I couldn't help but feel angry and jealous toward them. I wasn't ready to share yet. I had just claimed her for my own, and I had no desire to share her with a family – especially one like Carlisle's. Her longing, though, was strong. She had obviously wanted to be with the family for a long time, and was more than ready to find them. I, however, wanted nothing more than to run far away and love Alice in the blissful place of exploding color and perfect wholeness that we had created for ourselves. I wanted to be enough for her.

"They won't care about your past, Jasper. They won't turn us away," she said as she came to sit on my lap in the third bedroom we had destroyed.

"How do you know that, Alice? Your teddy bears in New York ended up nearly destroying us. They were your friends for twenty years. You fought for them. Yet they turned on you and were willing to turn you over to the Volturi. How do you _know _that this family of yours won't do exactly the same thing?"

"I've seen them since I was a newborn, Jasper. They aren't like other vampires, not at all. They are like me, and we are meant to be with them. I know I was wrong about New York, but I'm not wrong about this. I _know _it."

"I can't let anyone hurt you, Alice. I just can't. Please understand that."

"They won't hurt us." She snuggled up under my chin, and I held her tight. "I don't want to leave this place," she murmured.

"Neither do I. I've never felt as happy as I have here. I finally feel alive in your arms, and I don't want it to change. We have to go, though." She had seen Ivan and Chi-Yang discussing coming for her. Neither of us could imagine them trying to ambush us, but the fact that they were even considering it meant that our time here was done. We both hated that.

"Jasper, please."

I took a long breath to hold back the fresh onslaught of jealousy. How could I share her now?

"This really is important to you?" She nodded, and I felt her vacillate between hope and anxiety. She truly desired this. She had asked me for nothing -- only that I love her -- and even now she hadn't come straight out to ask me to find the family. She only asked that I consider it. After all she had given me, all I had put her through, how could I deny her this?

"This is what you want?" I hoped she would say yes, so that I could give it to her. I hoped she would say no, so that I could keep her as my own.

Alice knew, of course why I asked. "What are you afraid of?"

"I'm afraid of losing you because I don't know if I can be good enough keep you." What words were there to explain the complex emotions I was feeling?

"Jasper, my love, I'm yours eternally. There is no possibility of leaving you." She took a breath. "I refuse to cause you pain. I only want to find them because I see them bring us safety and peace, but if you don't want to find them, we won't. I will always choose you. Always."

But her sadness belied her words, telling me exactly what that choice would cost her. She loved me enough to lose the one thing in the world she wanted. She would choose me above the vampires who were like her -- vampires so good that they loved like a family.

"Why?" I asked. I closed my eyes and tried to put into words what I barely understood. "Why do you call me beautiful? Why did you choose me? Why do you think I can be good like them?"

She traced the crescent markings of my evil. "Strength." She moved on to another. "Loyalty," and to another, "Perseverance," and to another, "Patience," and to my most recent, "Sacrificial Love. These aren't the markings of an evil man, my love. They are the markings of a good man who withstood the evil around him. You have greatness in you, Jasper, and I believe in you." Her eyes held an intensity that made the gold in them glow.

"And this... family... will see me like that?"

"Eventually. They need us as much as we need them."

I wrapped my arms around her, and breathed in her scent as if my entire existence depended upon it. Because it did. Then, I let out the breath, and latched onto her faith in me.

"Then it's time to find the Cullens."

***

_June 1 _

Alice's eyes carried her sadness at my reaction. She truly enjoyed her meal of polar bear, but I couldn't really tell the difference. Even these great carnivores were onerous to drain, and I wondered if I would ever actually _taste _the blood I was now drinking. It all tasted like nothing. It felt like nothing. The absence of joyous ecstasy when I ate was becoming a heavier burden than I could endure.

"It will get better. It just takes time, Jasper," Alice said as she smiled at me. The concern radiating off of her told me more than her words that she, too, was despairing of my ability to abstain from human blood.

I fell back on the wet ground and tried to ignore the emptiness that engulfed me.

"I miss it too much," I said to the sky.

"You need to give yourself a chance. It's only been four weeks. Four weeks without feeling death, Jasper. That has to be worth something, and the burn will get better."

"I don't mind the burn so much." Compared to the injuries of constant battle, the burn was fairly minor, though it did wear on me. "I just didn't think I would miss it this much. The only joy I felt for eighty years, the only relief from the torture of my life, came when I drank. Yes, it nearly was my undoing... but now... it's all I can think about."

"We will find them, and Carlisle can help. I see it, Jasper. I know it will happen."

As her hand traced circles on my back, I tried to keep the dread I was feeling from reaching her. The last thing I wanted now was to meet up with this perfect family. The last thing I wanted to admit was needing help from a _gentle_ vampire.

Finding a coven that wishes to be hidden is nearly impossible. If it hadn't been for Alice's visions, we would have never stood a chance. When we left the cabin, in a car so full of possessions that it kept scraping the rough road as we bounced along, the family had been somewhere white. We could only guess that it was Canada or Alaska. Alice thought she saw others of our kind with them in the vast acres of melting snow. It would take a while, but Alice would eventually find them. That was certain as death, as they say.

I cherished each day of our travels as one more day that I had Alice to myself. Each vision, each step, took us closer to the future I dreaded. Each feeding confirmed that I could never be the good man Alice saw. I could not be one of them.

I knew I was living on borrowed time.

***

_June 28 _

I quietly cursed the Cullens and their constant need to move. They spent only a week or so in the snow covered land, and then Alice saw them clearly walking through a temperate forest. Temperate climates meant more humans, and more humans were sheer torture for me.

I crossed my arms tightly across my chest and tried to contain the feeling of emptiness that crushed me. Even now, I could feel the slight trembling that came whenever Alice was gone. The slight shaking wasn't entirely from missing her presence. Without her, I could barely contain the evil within me. The monster had been denied too long, and the need to feel the blood of humans rose in me so strong that I had to fight my body to keep it from finding my prey. I closed my eyes, cursed myself, and held on to the hope of her return.

"They aren't here, but they were," Alice laughed as she ran up to me. She leapt into my shaking arms, and I pulled her into my kiss. Her presence healed my ache as her happiness healed my mind. Without her here, I was lost. Without her, I had to fight my desire to find a human, minute by agonizing minute. It was a losing battle, and I knew it, but somehow with her in my arms, I could still hold on to the ghost of hope.

After a moment, I noticed a very pink package hanging from her arm.

"Alice?"

"Rochester has the cutest shops. I really need to go back there. Don't be mad, Jasper, _this _is a gift for you," she said, responding to my growl.

"I'm not wearing _anything_ that comes out of a pink box."

"I said it's for you, not for you to _wear._ It's my own little way of celebrating." Her smile was coy again, and I blessed the humans I could no longer be around for creating the lace temptation that I hoped was in that box.

"They were here in the early 1930's, and left after changing Rosalie. I think we can cross off the area around New York. They wouldn't bring Rosalie back here so soon. We should make our way to Pennsylvania and look there until another vision comes. Guess what! I found Carlisle's medical license, Edward's car registration, and Rosalie's death certificate. Isn't that wonderful?"

"When do I get to open it?"

"Did you hear a word I said?"

"Yep, all sixty-three of them." I kept my eyes on the box. She was swinging it side to side, taunting me.

"Gah! You're incorrigible," she laughed. "Well, we might as well spend some time in these lovely woods since it will be a sunny day. Let's see..."

"There is a shaded glade one half mile to our east. It's full of lovely ferns that desperately need to be trampled," I suggested with what I hoped was a seductive smile.

"Ferns?"

"Don't knock it till you try it." I grabbed the bag from her, snapping the ribbon handle, and opened it to find that it held nothing inside.

"Where --"

"Search me?" she shrugged, and with a smile she darted off due east. "Catch me if you can."

I bolted after her, determined to search every inch of her to find those wisps of potent lace.

We spent the night driving to the hills and forests of Pennsylvania. Alice knew what to look for, but we simply didn't know where those things would be found. The family had moved to a hilly area covered in a thick, deciduous forest. She had seen Esme and Carlisle surveying a plot of land and discussing blueprints; apparently, Esme was going to build this home from the ground up. Rosalie commented about Emmett going to the town's college after his years of high school were over. So they were near a town that was large enough to house a college or university somewhere in a wet but temperate climate. That could be anywhere.

We headed due south of Rochester to the town of Williamsport. Our normal way of travel was to scout out a good place for me to wait while she went into town. So, we drove along rutted paths that were barely passable until we were deep enough in the forest that we could safely hunt and I could wait.

I felt utterly useless.

We exited the car and began our normal search for the nothingness of our meals. Although Alice only needed to hunt every seven days or so, we were hunting every three until I got used to the diet. It had been forty-seven days since I had last felt the joy of human blood, and the idea of hunting for animal blood disgusted me even more now than it had when I first tried it. Back then, I had a small hope that I could get used to the lack of taste, to the lack of ecstasy. Now I knew better. Now I knew that it would never be enough, and I could never be like Alice.

My desire for human blood was so strong that I began shaking shortly after we began our chase of a herd of white tails. Their powerfully pounding hearts should have piqued my hunter's senses, but they only turned my stomach. The herd split, and Alice went after the does, leaving the two larger bucks for me, but even as my senses homed in for the kill, my legs slowed.

I jogged on a bit more, but then stopped as the deer escaped. I didn't even watch them run; I looked at my trembling hands and tried to suppress the monster who demanded a human heartbeat.

I could endure the burn, and I could eat the tasteless warmth, but like a drunkard who needed his booze, I could not go without the _feeling_ that human blood brought me. I had needed it for too long. I'd _existed_ for that feeling, despite the pain it brought, and I couldn't go without it.

I forced my shaking legs to run as I tried to begin the hunt again, knowing that Alice would find me. I didn't want her to see me like this.

But just as I tried to focus on the scent of deer, another sense told me of the presence of humans. Ahead and to the right, so far that it was truly beyond my normal ability, someone was feeling fear. The monster roared up in me, and my mind focused now only on my kill.

I ran towards the fear with nothing more than instinct guiding me. The monster gloried in sweet anticipation of what awaited. All I knew was that I was finally filling the void that ate at me. Then I smelled the unmistakable scent of blood. The beast consumed me utterly, so that all I could do was think of the blood of my prey. I could now hear them, and then three figures were before me. All I knew was delight as my sight became crimson. The largest figure stood and tried to block me, so I ripped him from the ground, broke him over my knee and drank of him. The scent of blood was strong in the air, and amid the pain of fear and death, I dropped the body and turned to the smaller ones, roaring in victory.

Something grabbed me from behind, pulling me from my desire. Rage and the need to kill boiled within me as I turned to destroy the intruder. I grabbed at the arms, ducking and spinning under them. The other was screaming useless words at me, but I didn't care. Nothing would keep me from my human blood.

I twisted the other's arms violently behind and held them firm with my left hand while my right one wrapped around the neck. I could feel the fear emanate from the other, and again rejoiced in my victory. But there was something else, too. Something that was wrong and didn't belong here. Just as I began to pull at the head, the love reached the man underneath the monster, and Alice's scream of pain brought me to myself.

I whirled her around to face me, terrified at what I had done.

Her eyes were wide as her hands reached out to encompass my face. "They're children, Jasper. They're just children," she said between sobs.

I looked over at two young children who were screaming and hiding behind a tree. One child had fallen and was covered with bloody scratches. For that blood, I had killed their father in front of them.

For the taste of human blood, I had nearly killed my mate.

The monster had won.

I roared, letting all the loathing and evil out, and ran blindly through the woods until I came to a boarded up, foul smelling hole in the side of the hill. I dove in and ran the ink black length of the water logged mine until I came to its end. My lungs unnecessarily drew in the thick, poisonous air, and I heard rasping screams echo through the deathly stillness. It took a moment for me to realize that the screams were my own and the rough hitches in my breathing were sobs. I leaned heavily against the muddy wall and began beating against it, not caring about the filth. This black pit was a fitting place for me. Here at least, I could not harm anyone.

I felt Alice at the same time I heard her. Her sorrow and grief were palpable, even at a distance, and I hated myself all the more.

What ludicrous twist of fate had forced her to be bound to me?

"I know you won't believe me, but this is my fault, too."

I turned to the wall, pulling away from her outstretched hand. I felt her hurt, but I could not stand her touch right now. I did not deserve it. I never would.

"Jasper, my love, I pushed too hard. I'm so sorry. I let my dream hide the fact that you were in pain, and I should have known better. I know you hate yourself, but you need to know that this is my fault, too. I'm just as guilty for –"

"Stop it!"

"But it's the truth. Whether you believe it or not, it is my fault."

"No, it's not. Stop patronizing me, Alice. Just, stop." I felt her move closer, and I sunk down into the wretched muck swirling at my knees.

"I thought since you had so many years to practice control that you would just be able to move on to animals, but I was wrong. I assumed something I shouldn't have. Stop blaming yourself for his death. You did what a vampire would do, nothing more. You went forrty-seven days without tasting human blood, and I don't know of any others who have tried that. I'm not angry with you."

Her hand touched my shoulder, and since I couldn't pull any farther away, I endured her touch. I didn't deserve the love she sent me; it only made me feel more like the evil thing I was. We sat for hours in motionless silence as I worked through my anger. Her hand moved slowly to my back, and she slid closer in minute movements until she was next to me. I could hear only the water drip around us, like tears falling in the earth.

"Say something," she finally pleaded in a longing whisper.

"I've never hurt a child. Never."

"They survived, Jasper. I told them and their mother that a bear attacked. When they find the body, it will look like an animal attack."

"I killed their father in front of them. I know the damage I did to them, Alice, I felt it." I waved my arm at the utter blackness. "This blackness is what is inside me. Don't you understand? This cave is me; cold, black, and filthy. The only good thing in my life is you, and you don't deserve to be polluted by me. No matter how much I try, I can't be the man you see in me. I _can't_."

"I don't believe you, Jasper Whitlock. I simply refuse to. I _feel_ the strength within you. The man in you is stronger than you give him credit for. It may take a long time, but you will overcome the monster and become the man _you_ want to be. I have foreseen it."

I heard the smile in her voice, so out of place in the black darkness, and hated it.

"How can you say that? How dare you say it! I almost killed you!" My voice screamed out my anger. She had no right to have faith in me.

"But you didn't."

"I wanted to!" I grabbed her by the shoulders, willing her to understand. "After all we've been through, we're back at the beginning. I'm back at the beginning. I'm _still_ the monster." My voice ended in a weak waver.

"It's not about the thirst is it?" she asked, ignoring my outburst.

She was refusing to believe me, and I wanted to shake her. I wanted to push her far away, but I _needed_ to hold her. I closed my eyes, took her in my arms, and felt her love and trust pour through my shattered, silent heart.

"Have you ever seen a drunken man without his booze?" I finally asked. I felt her nod. "I'm like one of them. I'm the alcoholic who needs his drink."

"But not because of the thirst," she said as a matter of fact.

I took a deep breath and tried to keep myself from screaming in frustration at her.

"You won't stop, will you?"

"Nope. Never."

"Yes, it is the thirst, but not the burning one," I said as I relented. I could not stop her infernal optimism any more than I could stop the sun from rising. "Feeding from humans caused me so much pain that I wasn't even aware how much I truly enjoyed it. Once I stopped eating them, I realized that I _needed_ the joy of the blood. I don't really know how to explain it, but the only thing that brought me any happiness at all was that incredible ecstasy we feel when we kill. After so many years, I need the feeling of blissful relief for my mind more than my throat. I'm not strong enough to protect you, and I'm not strong enough to be like you. So, you see, I'm not the strong one you think I am." My eyes were still closed, and I held on to Alice with all my strength.

"You're right, I was wrong," she said quietly, and my chest constricted at her words. "I was wrong to think that I could teach you. I'm the one that's too weak, Jasper. But Carlisle can help."

I let out a loud groan. "The _last_ thing I need is to be taught by a vampire who wears loafers!" I already felt wholly unworthy of her, and now she was telling me I was weaker than him.

"You think of strength only in terms of fighting and victory. What if strength is also measured in terms of truth? What if it is measured in love or kindness? What if maybe, just maybe, strength is about sacrificing what you want so that you can live according to what is right?"

"What if I'm not strong like that? What if I can't? They won't accept me Alice. They will love you, but I will never be one of them."

"You're wrong, but I will let you learn that. Carlisle has gone almost three-hundred years without killing anyone. He's only bitten four humans: the four who make up his family. Somehow, he taught them to deny the thirst and in doing so, they learned to love each other. They are a family, Jasper. They are our family, and they are waiting for us. They just don't know it yet." I felt her smile as her head lay against my chest.

"You still believe in me," I said, incredulous at the absurdity of it.

"Yep. You went forty-seven days this time, let's see if you can do forty-eight next time. I'll help you by finding humans, and I'll watch more carefully so that we don't have another accident. What else do you need?"

"I need you not to leave me. I don't want to be alone. Leaving me behind hurts and makes the thirst worse."

"Then you will come with me into the towns, and we will wait until you are better controlled to search the larger cities. What about now? Do you think you can safely go into Williamsport?"

I winced and answered honestly, "No, not yet."

I felt her go limp against me for a moment. "These mines are considered too dangerous to work in, but the ones further west are open. I'll show you where you can find a miner. Then we will get cleaned up and go into town."

"Thank you." It wasn't nearly enough, but it was all I could say.

_September 1_

Even in the late afternoon, the summer heat shimmered off the road in thick waves. We were close to town now and farms were giving way to clusters of homes. I could sense the humans around me, but nothing moved in this heat. Late afternoon in South Carolina was as still as midnight in other places. To my body, it felt good.

Alice and I kept to the long shadows that covered the road, but as a precaution, we both wore hats. To any human eye that might look out into the heat, we looked to be a perfect young couple. We held hands as we walked, and Alice's purse swung beside her floral print dress, and she looked at me with adoring eyes, just as any other lovers might. She did adore me, and for that I was still astounded.

However normal we might look under our wide brimmed hats, nothing of our appearance was real except for Alice's adoration. My eyes were orange here. It had been 15 days since last I fed on humans, but even with recent blood in me, I was still only barely under control. In fact, my last humans had been another accident, proving to me that my self-control was tenuous at best. Alice held my hand for safety's sake and to offer a measure of support.

I went fifty days after my rampage in Pennsylvania before I had to eat another human. By then, we were at our southern most destination of Charleston. The port city was wonderfully full of the loners and drunkards that made up my human diet.

The men whom I had surprised at the fishing hole seven days later were entirely accidental.

"These forests don't look quite right," she mused as we walked.

"What's missing?"

She giggled. "Believe it or not, ferns. There is more undergrowth in the forest the family stays in."

"Ferns, huh? Well, at least _that_ is something to look forward to." She snorted.

"You're doing well." It was a statement rather than a question, which gave me a bit more confidence. I hadn't gone near a city in the last fifteen days. Alice left me to explore only at my insistence, and only on cursory trips. I spent my alone time in the hills around Greenville and Anderson exploring the numerous caves and finding fragments of gems. I had in mind a present for Alice, but I refused to think much of it. As much as possible, _if_ it was possible, I wanted it to be a surprise.

"It is easier to be around people if I eat shortly before. I don't think I can go much longer than twenty days in a large city, but if we stick to the smaller towns on the other side of the Appalachians, then I should be able to go a little longer." A car passed, and I braced myself. However, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.

An older couple was rocking on their front porch as we walked passed their dilapidated home. I watched in amusement as both of them inhales from hand made pipes and blew smoke rings with unnerving accuracy. Again, the faint lure of their blood was present, but nothing I couldn't handle. I nodded at them, and they nodded in unison in reply. I hoped it was a sign of progress, but I wasn't sure.

"The other side," she murmured, and I felt her leave for a moment. "This area just doesn't seem right." Her soft sigh showed her frustration.

"It's only been four months, and we still have most of the United States to look in. Don't get frustrated, Alice." I couldn't be happier that we seemed no closer to finding the illusive Cullen clan.

"I just hope it's not another twenty-eight years," she said sadly. She actually _missed_ the family she had never met, which always struck me as odd.

"We have forever, love," I reminded her with a soft kiss. However, the words were far from comforting to me. We didn't have forever. I looked away as I thought of the two painful truths that haunted my existence: I was not man enough to protect Alice and provide what she needed, and because of that I couldn't keep her for myself. My time with Alice was limited.

"Don't worry, we won't stay long. If you have any trouble at all, we can run back to the car. I just want to see the court records and then we'll leave." She misunderstood my silence. I simply nodded and didn't try to explain.

_November 2 _

The autumn leaves were just now at their peak, and a gust of wind blew them around us in a wild dance of color. We returned to our hidden car with our arms full of clothing for me. It felt good to shop with Alice again. My orange eyes passed for light brown here, and in the midst of the autumn storms, we explored the town freely.

Nashville was entirely the wrong place, but it was on the way from the hills of the southern Appalachians to the deciduous forests of Michigan and Wisconsin. And, it was a good place to shop. Alice really needed to shop.

"I told you dancing was fun," she said as a smug smile played on her lips.

"Humpf."

"Come on, Jasper, admit it. You liked it._ And _you're getting better at being around humans."

"It was... easier. At least the honky tonks have the kind of dancing that I know how to do." I dumped the packages in the already overflowing trunk and began moving things around to fit them in. My hand came across a small package with an odd scent, so I opened it. There was something very lacy in it and dead foliage. I looked curiously at Alice.

She smiled at it in an oddly gentle way and took the box to show me the contents. "This is a garter." She held up the beautiful, fragile lace. "It's from Emily's wedding, as are the pressed flowers. I took them as a way to remember her." She delicately removed the flattened blooms. "And these are identities I made for us." She handed me two sets of papers and smiled.

The first contained my name. A birth certificate, diploma, and another set of papers I couldn't identify.

"Those are transcripts. If you have a full set of papers, you can really do anything you want without being detected. I learned to forge them in Chicago. They are very handy if you want to be human."

"Is this how you lived among humans for so long?"

"Yes. I have to change them up every eight to ten years because we don't age, and I change the names often. The only thing I don't have yet is a social security number, but I want to get that legally -- sort of."

"Why do you need it?"

"To pay taxes."

"You have got to be kidding me."

"I have a lot of money, Jasper, and the government likes me because of it. My lawyers pay the taxes, but I will need a social security number soon. I made these for you so that when we find the family, you are ready to begin your human life."

I shifted the papers and found Alice's new set. The name Alice Whitlock was clearly printed across the top. A strange lump filled my throat, making it impossible to talk.

"You kept me waiting a long time," she whispered with a smile.

I carefully placed the papers and delicate items back into the box before grabbing her.

"It's a good thing you got new clothes, Alice _Whitlock._ 'Cause I aim to ruin these."

I was going to make up for all those years today. I was going to love her until we both lay in bliss. I was going to shred what she was wearing.

_December 6 _

There was something very satisfying about sneaking around Vasily's city under his nose. Chicago was large enough that we could steer clear of them anyway, but it was cathartic, nonetheless. I leafed through the stacks of papers, learning the subtle differences between the various documents as I searched. Alice was right, we could easily become "human" with the right documentation. The legal side of humanity fascinated to me.

"Why does each state do it differently?" I asked as I closed another file cabinet. The subtle scent of humans rose from the new drawer I opened, but I was full of human blood and it held no sway over me.

"I don't know, but it makes forging them harder," Alice said without looking at me. This had become our habit. I would eat a human before going into towns, and cover the red with animal blood until my eyes were an odd orange. Then we would search the records for any trace of the family. If I ate before entering a town, there was less chance of an accident. I was getting better. My current record stood at 53 days, but there was no way I would risk being thirsty or even slightly weak in _this_ city. I came here as a red-eyed vampire.

Stale smelling dust rose as I leafed through the records of 1932. I was amazed at the names and dates before me; so much information that could be so easily forged. Alice said the guard wouldn't be here until almost three in the morning. It was more than enough time to search for Carlisle's name.

I heard Alice hiss, and was at her side instantly to see a death certificate signed in Carlisle's unmistakably perfect script.

"He was here in 1917," she said as she stroked the paper.

We began tearing through the birth and death records, finding several other death certificates until 1918, when the number of certificates began to rise dramatically. The words _epidemic_ and _plague_ began to occur with startling regularity then.

One record caught my eye. It was just like the others with Carlisle's signature, except that his hand shook when he signed this death certificate. Alice stopped and looked at the thin sheet in my hand, and gasped. Vampire's hands do not shake unless they are upset. Very upset. In my hand was the death certificate for Elizabeth Masen.

"I wonder what upset him," she wondered quietly.

"Do you want it?"

"No, it belongs here. Leave it."

I replaced the document with a feeling of dread. We were closer than ever to the family.

---

"If you hand me one more thing to carry, everyone will know that I'm not human," I hissed as we meandered down the busy downtown sidewalk. I had to shift a round box to see.

"You were the one that insisted we bring gifts to them," Alice chirped beside me, happy as a clam.

"You always take gifts when you enter the territory of a seated coven. Normally, it's a snack."

"I really don't want to have a moose or a wolf in my car. Besides, these will be so much better. Emmett and Edward will love them." Shopping for gifts made her so happy.

"These seem kind of normal for you. Don't you usually go overboard on gifts?"

"They already have everything they need, Jasper. Trust me, these gifts will make them all very happy. Rosalie and Esme will love the purses I have, and these outfits will be perfect for them. Edward loves music, and these old recordings and rare jazz scores will make him happy. You have no idea how overjoyed Emmett will be to get this hand made poker game. He loves poker, but he doesn't get to play much. He will be thrilled that you like poker too."

"Why doesn't he just play with Eddie?" I asked curiously. Alice looked at me with an undecipherable look to her face. "What?"

"Um… first, don't call him Eddie. He might try to take your head." She paused and looked at me and then her face went blank for a moment. When she came back, a brief but strong feeling of concern filled her. She just smiled quickly and began to walk.

"Oh, no you don't," I hissed.

"Don't what?"

"Stop it. You know good and well _what."_

"It's really nothing Jasper," she said and began to walk again.

I dropped the boxes and stood my ground. There was no way I was letting her get away with that.

"Tell me what you saw."

"Jasper, it really was nothing. Really."

She was lying. I knew it, but I wasn't sure how to get her to tell the truth. I hated it when she did this. I crossed my arms and stood stone still.

"Fine," she huffed. "Emmett doesn't play with Edward because he cheats. Happy?"

"And?"

"That's it -- he cheats and you won't like it. I also saw that we need to find them when the boys are gone. That's all, Jasper. It will go better if we meet Carlisle first because the boys will be overly protective."

"That's all? You're not hiding anything?"

"No," she said, but the pause was just a little too long.

"So, Emmett likes to play games, and Eddie is a cheating sissy?"

She rolled her eyes at me. "You had better not act like that when we meet them."

"Don't worry, I'll be good," I said as I picked up the boxes again and we made our way out of the city. I was now very curious about these brothers, especially _Eddie._

_December 25 _

"You were right, Jasper, this is incredible," Alice said as her smooth body leaned against me. "It is the perfect place to spend Christmas."

The entire night sky was clearly spread over us, and it was as if we were laying among the stars.

"I've wanted to bring you here since I first climbed Devil's Tower. You are so incredibly beautiful under the night sky," I said as I nuzzled her head. Nothing, not anything, could compare to the beauty of Alice with the starlight shining on her perfect skin.

"Are you ready for your present?" she asked. I could feel the childlike anticipation building in her. I chuckled at her, my bubbly mate.

"Yes."

We each reached to our sides, and pulled out our wrapped gifts for each other. Mine, of course, was smaller, but I hoped she would like it. I felt her leave me and I poked her side.

"Don't you dare. You promised," I growled. I was fairly sure she had already seen it, but she said that she would at least try not to look.

She sighed, handed me my present, and reached out her hands to take the small, wrapped box. The present was small enough to fit in them.

She smiled coyly at me. "You first," she said with a slight tremor in her voice. She already had seen me open it, but she still wanted me to go first. Typical Alice.

I laughed again and opened the box. Inside was a new, black leather hat. It was done in the cowboy style, with a wide brim, like I liked. I smiled and put in on. It fit perfectly, and Alice squealing with delight.

"Do you like it?"

"I love it! Really, it's perfect, Alice," I said as I kissed her. It was. "How does it look?"

"It looks better than I thought," she said with a tilt of her head. "Of course, it looks _really _good on you naked." Her grin was positively mischievous.

"Now for yours," I said as my own anticipation grew.

Alice slowly pulled at the wrapping paper, and quickly revealed the small oak box. Her gasp told me that she hadn't completely foreseen it, and I was immensely grateful for that. Her aversion to surprises was becoming burdensome.

"Oh, Jasper."

"Do you like it? It's for our rings. I don't like leaving them on rocks," I explained as she held the box as if it would crumble under her touch.

"Oh, Jasper… it's… it's perfect." If she had been human, she would have cried. I looked at the box and then her face and felt the pride of my work grow in me.

It was a small jewelry box I had carved from a fallen oak tree's roots. The burled wood was the perfect background for the carving on the outside. Into the lid and the sides, I had carved as perfect a replica of the night sky as I could. I had placed tiny gems which I had gathered from our travels into the holes. The swirling wood showcased their glittering beauty.

"It's my promise, my vow. As long as the stars shine, Beloved, as long as they shine." My quiet voice was rough.

Her breathing hitched, and quickened as she slowly reached over and took our rings from the rock on which they lay. Her eyes never left our rings as she carefully dropped them inside and closed the lid of the box. With deliberate slowness, she placed the box back on the rock, and then was instantly on me, covering my body with hungry kisses. Christmas lights held nothing in comparison with the lights we saw on that peak.

* * *

I'm sorry. I know, I promised, but I couldn't post a 16,000 word chapter without the site having heartfail.

I really am sorry about not getting to the Cullens yet, but they do arrive in the next chapter. Besides, I needed to show the growth of these two as a couple and the conflict within Jasper.

When I first read the Twilight Saga, the character of Jasper struck me as very convoluted. I wanted to show why and how he became so "weak" when it came to humans and why he seemed separate from the family. I hope that this chapter and the next one clearly explain the dichotomy of his character.

So, what do you think of Jasper's struggles?


	15. Chapter 15: Old Friends

Hello everyone. Well, it's finally time. This chapter introduces several people you know and love.

My betas pulled me back from the brink of disaster in several spots. Honestly, if you see them, send a thank you to** Remylebeauishot, Mistral123, and Vanessa James**, they deserve it!

A big hug to everyone who has responded to this story. I truly love your comments. Please keep me posted on how the family comes across to you.

Twilight and all its characters belongs to the incredible Stephenie Meyer. I own nothing worthwhile, but the IRS won't believe me.

* * *

_June 24_

I wasn't sure, but it seemed like there might be something in it. I smacked my lips quickly and again caught the wisp of taste. I sucked in some air over my tongue, and immediately regretted it.

"What are you doing?" asked Alice with a quizzical and concerned look on her face.

"I can taste how bad this thing smells," I said with a poke at the rancid fur beneath me. She grimaced at my disgusted words.

"I was smacking my lips trying to get a good taste of the blood. I think I actually _tasted_ something in it this time."

"Really?" Her smile was triumphant.

"Maybe." I didn't want to get her hopes up. "It tasted... sweet? I'm not sure, but at least it did taste," I said with a small smile of my own. It wasn't anywhere near the visceral rapture of human blood, but it was _something_.

"Oh, Jasper, I'm so happy for you." She hopped onto my knees as I knelt by the carcass and kissed me thoroughly.

"Don't rush to assumptions," I warned. However, the very idea that there was sweetness in the blood, that I could taste anything in it, gave me hope.

"I told you, carnivores taste better," she said.

"I didn't say better; I said something. There is a difference. You still have to admit, all of your food stinks to high heaven. I don't know which is worst, bear, dog, or elk."

"Dog," she laughed. "I hate the smell of dog more than anything -- even fish."

I shuddered at the very idea of trying cold fish blood. "I can't believe you did that."

"Sometimes curiosity isn't a good thing. You know, this deserves a celebration of some kind."

I patted the dead lump below us. "We have ready access to a bear skin rug."

"Ew, besides, it's too lumpy. I'm serious -- we deserve to celebrate your victory. I think a bubble bath and a big bed are in order."

"I've never considered bubbles much of a reward," I grumbled. Lethal predatory males shouldn't smell like a girl. It went against nature.

"The bubbles come with a few recipes from Mai-Li," she said with a purr in her voice. "If we head to Vail before going into Denver, we can get into one of the lodges. They will be nearly empty and we can finally get a bed and a bath and play a bit." She was so excited she was bouncing on my knees.

"Are you sure?" As much as I loved that scroll, I wasn't sure it was a good idea. We had spent the last month in the Rockies, eating and playing. Thirty two days was a long time for me to go without a human and still retain my self-control.

"Trust me, I'm psychic," she chirped.

---

"I'm not used to this anymore," I hissed to Alice as she signed the registry for a three night stay. Several of the guests stared at us as we stood at the desk waiting for a key.

"I don't see any danger," she whispered.

"This may not be worth it." Private suites didn't mean much to me; I was far too near humans after abstaining from their blood for so long.

"A hot bubble bath is always worth it. I need to get the smell of animals off me."

A very nervous bell boy came and took our luggage and led us, nearly running, down a series of corridors to our room. Alice was right, of course. The lodges here at Vail were almost empty in summer.

Alice smiled and tipped the boy as he backed out of the room and dashed back down the hall as quickly as he could. We both relaxed as the sound of his pounding feet grew more distant. She walked over to the bed and gingerly sat on it.

"This is the first time we've been near a bed in over a year," she said.

"What about that abandoned cabin in Wisconsin?"

"There weren't sheets, so it doesn't count. Besides, it fell apart."

"If I remember, the whole cabin fell apart. It was listing badly when we left." _That _was a good memory. I looked at the bed. It had a heavy headboard, and luxurious linens, but it stood on spindly legs. "I don't think that will last long, either."

"We can snap off the legs. It might make less noise that way." She grinned at me and walked over to open her suitcase. "Besides, we can leave money behind if we do any damage. I used a false name and address, so we won't be found."

She filled her arms with all manner of bottles, each uniquely fragrant, and went into the large bathroom to begin our bath. I pulled out the now well worn scroll and looked down over the cryptic forms that writhed over the surface. We had tried all of them up to fifty-one. There were sixty poses in all, and I wondered if three days was long enough to try the remaining nine. I began to picture us as we tried to decipher those forms, and suddenly three nights didn't seem nearly long enough.

I heard Alice beside me and looked over to see her place several hundred dollars on the bureau.

"That bad?"

She snickered mischievously. "Worse than you can imagine."

I glanced back at the scroll and wondered about the last pose. "I dunno, darlin', I have a fairly good imagination."

She went blank for just a moment and put four hundred more dollars down. My smile was a mile wide as she wrapped her fingers around my collar and pulled me into the bathroom.

_June 29_

The scents were utterly familiar to me, but they smelled strange in this crowded city and out of place my new life. Still, my joy doubled as I took my second breath.

Alice froze beside me and let out a low growl.

"It's okay," I said as I pulled her close to me. Even though I knew who it was, I would not take any chances with her. Ever. "What do you see?"

I felt her go limp, but didn't look down at her. Until I knew where they were, I needed to scan our surroundings.

"I can't believe it," Alice squealed in delight. She tried to rush forward, but I caught her in time to pull her back.

"Not like that," I hissed. "_Never_ like that. They are soldiers like me, and they don't know who you are."

We walked down the sidewalk, surrounded by the few tall buildings that Denver boasted as its tiny downtown area. It was an unusual place to find a vampire, but the proximity of the rail road tracks might have something to do with it. In fact, the scents did lead us in the direction of the train yard. I went as quickly as I dared down the darkening roads. There were only a few humans around now, most of them having gone home for the night.

After crossing two roads, we entered a warehouse district.

"Alice?" I hoped her vision could give me a clue as to which nondescript building they might have entered.

"Stay here, I think. No, wait... walk past building seventeen, and make sure you touch the walls. We can meet them on the loading docks that way."

I did as I was told. I'd learned early on to simply trust my mate on such issues, so I walked loudly for a vampire and touched the walls as I passed. When we came to the more shielded loading area, I turned to face the building, and pulled Alice behind me just a bit.

Thirty-two seconds later, Peter's blond head peered out of the door. He let out a whoop and ran back into the building. I could hear him calling to Charlotte to finish her meal quickly and come out. Alice tried to wriggle her way around to my side, but I wouldn't allow it.

Peter slowly emerged from the dark doorway, followed by Charlotte. They both wore wide smiles, but proceeded with caution like normal vampires. Alice was so excited that she would have run to them had I not blocked her.

I held my hands up, and Peter followed, walking slowly forward until we stood only five feet apart. He and Charlotte's familiar scents washed over me, bringing both comfort and gnawing pain. Like all familiar smells, their scents brought memories rushing back to me, and those memories weren't pleasant.

Peter's eyes were on my grinning mate's face.

"Damn, it's good to see you, Major," he said as he held out his hand. I stepped forward and grabbed it firmly, holding it in both of mine.

Even as we shook hands, though, he seemed oddly hesitant.

"It's good to see you too, Peter," I said, sending him as much emotional reinforcement to those words as I could.

He had the oddest expression on his face as he looked from me to Alice. "So, who is this?"

Charlotte peered from behind him. She was all smiles.

Alice bounded around me to grab his hand. He tensed, but didn't retreat at her quick movement.

"This is my Alice; my mate." There was so much pride in those words.

"Well, I'll be damned," he said with a quiet laugh. "You did it, you son of a gun. You did it."

"Oh, Jasper," sighed Charlotte as she stepped forward and held out her hand to Alice. Alice gripped it, beaming from ear to ear.

"When did this happen?" he asked.

"A little over a year ago, on April fourteenth." My smile was also wide as I thought back to that wondrously bizarre meeting in the diner.

"I had given up on you, you old coot. I figured you'd be alone forever." He was slowly shaking his head. Then he looked directly at me and asked, "So, what's wrong with your eyes?"

"We don't drink human blood -- at least I don't, and Jasper is trying not to," Alice answered as if it was the most normal answer to give. It wasn't normal at all, of course, and Peter and Charlotte simply froze, looking at us.

"I get that look a lot," laughed Alice, who once again knew my thoughts. "I'm not any weaker than I was when I drank from humans. Yes, it is very hard. Jasper is still struggling with it."

"So, you… but don't you… _why_?" Peter looked at me in disbelief. I laughed despite myself.

"What_ do_ you eat?" asked Charlotte with a far off look on her face. She had already guessed.

"Animals. Wild ones, not the domesticated kind. Domesticated animals don't taste good at all." Alice was utterly serious.

They turned their bewildered faces to me for an explanation. I had to hold back another laugh.

"Alice doesn't want to kill people. She found that she could live on animal blood and has tried a vast array of animals in her life. You remember what it did to me to feed?" They both nodded. "I am slowly trying to shift my diet to see if I can handle it. Saying it's _hard _is an understatement. I still need to feed from humans, but I'm getting used to feeding from animals. I've gone thirty-six days now without a human." They looked at me incredulously, and I felt just a sliver of pride as they tried to process my new life. For the first time, I realized just how far I had come since meeting Alice.

"Don't they stink?" Peter's voice held an odd, high pitch. I bit back another grin.

"To high heaven. I think the moose are the worst, but Alice says that dogs stink the most."

"Dogs?" Charlotte's pale skin took on a slight green tinge to it, which looked very strange on a vampire. I wondered if that was how I looked on my first hunt.

"Wolves, and wild dogs – not the cute little ones that live with humans," Alice said, a smile tugging at the corners of her mouth. She was having fun. "The worst smelling is dog, but the worst tasting is fish; cold blood is absolutely horrid. I eat strictly mammals, though carnivores taste the best. My favorite is African lion, but it's hard to get here."

Peter and Charlotte shifted uncomfortably. Neither one knew whether to take Alice seriously or not.

"Major, I… I don't know what to say. If your eyes weren't such an odd color, I would say you were jokin' with me, or finally went completely mad. But there you stand with them bizarre golden eyes... and... I just don't know what to say." Peter had always been a decisive man, which is why he was so good in battle, but right now he looked absolutely dumbfounded.

"You always said I was the crazy one," I reminded him.

"Yeah, but I wasn't _serious_ then." His warm smile spread back across his face.

"We need to go somewhere else," Alice broke in. "There will be several men coming soon, and there is no reason to kill them. Peter and Charlotte, do you want to stay in the city or return to the forest? There will be some strong thunderstorms tomorrow and we could spend some time in the city."

"How do you know all those things?" asked Charlotte.

Alice's smile was mischievous. "The same way I knew you were here." She tapped her head with her finger. "I know lots of things."

Once again, they looked to me for help.

"We have a lot to talk about," I said as I heaved a sigh. The little shrew had done that on purpose just to show off. I would make Alice pay for that. "Perhaps the roof of one of the downtown buildings would be a good place to talk about old times and new."

Peter whooped and clapped his hands together. "This sounds like a mighty good tale. I don't trust him, but you won't lie to us, will ya darlin'?"

Alice laughed and crossed her heart. "Never."

I dropped my head and shook it in defeat. Despite all my warnings, my mate had won them over within minutes. They loved her.

---

"In all my years, I _never_ thought I would end up here." Peter's statement was more a growl, but it was quiet enough not to draw attention to us.

I looked over and saw my own frustration mirrored on his face.

"How long is this going to take? Does she do this a lot?"

"As often as she can. Alice likes to shop, and she loves to give gifts to people. I spend an inordinate amount of time waiting like this," I said with a final sigh. At least I wasn't alone this time.

I felt Peter slouch on the bench where we sat, his red eyes hidden behind the sunglasses Alice bought for this trip. I didn't need them, but being near even the few humans who walked the rainy streets of Denver made my throat clench. I wasn't thirsty, but I hadn't drunk from a human in over a month, and it was wearing on me again.

I glanced around and nodded at the other men who sat under the awnings of shops here in the small downtown district, their crossed arms and slouched shoulders matched ours.

"How long does it take to find clothing?" Peter asked. He sounded almost desperate.

"How long has it been since you or Charlotte last bought clothes?"

He shrugged.

"_Has_ she shopped since she was changed?"

"No. Why would we? We just steal what we need."

"So Charlotte hasn't shopped in twenty-one years? Alice will _love_ that." My words were thick with sarcasm.

"She can't possibly buy much more. How in hellfire am I supposed to carry all this?" he asked as he swept his hand toward the boxes and sacks at his feet. I knew exactly how he felt. As a nomad, I carried all I needed in my pockets or in a small knapsack. There was no way all those items would fit in anything small. I grinned at him and his consternation, but said nothing.

"So, this is what you want?" he asked after what seemed like an eternity. Three older women hobbled by, and I held my breath before answering.

"Alice is what I want, and this is Alice's way of living. She doesn't accept the normal life or limits of being a vampire. There are no dull moments with Alice around." He snorted and slunk even lower on the bench. "Unless she's shopping," I amended.

"I don't know how you do it."

"Which? The diet or being around humans? I won't admit it to Alice, but it_ is_ very liberating not having to drink from humans. I miss it terribly, and my control isn't very good, but being able to walk among them without fear of being recognized for what I am is nice."

"Is it worth giving up the ecstasy?" I could feel his eyes boring into my head, so I turned and faced him. I wouldn't lie to my brother in arms.

"I don't know. I don't know if I can or will ever be able to give up human blood. All I know is that I can't give up Alice. This new life, it is incredible. You have no idea how much she has changed me."

He looked at me hard and then nodded. He understood that at least.

At that moment, Alice and Charlotte emerged from the store, giggling at some shared joke. My heart warmed seeing Alice so happy with Charlotte. Then the rest of me warmed as I noticed the bright pink packages hanging from their arms.

"_Yes!"_ I hissed.

"What?"

"Do you see those pink boxes? Those are what make sitting here worth it." I smiled at him but said no more. That was something he could discover on his own.

---

Alice drove up to the hotel just as the sun set, and I raced from my hiding place to wait for her behind the lobby. Though it had only been a little over a day and I had been with friends, I felt fractured and frayed. Even before I reached her, her presence began the healing process I so desperately needed.

She raced behind the hotel's office and leapt into my arms, and the moment our skin touched, I was complete again.

"I missed you," she mumbled. After a long, deep kiss, she released me and looked around. "Where…"

"Don't even try to look because you don't want to see them. They're opening pink boxes," I said with a grin. She returned my smile with a positively devilish giggle.

"Good for them. Hopefully, Peter will be a little more forgiving. He thinks I'm a freak."

"You are, and don't look angry with me for saying that. You flaunted your strangeness, and you know it. Besides, when they are done with the boxes, he will be willing to worship you, trust me." I turned toward the well-lit road that ran through the center of city. "Are you sure Las Vegas is a good place for them?" _And me?_ "They'll love it, and so will you. Are you finished?" she asked, looking into my now deep orange eyes. Peter and Charlotte traveled along the rail lines, and we had followed them on our run to Vegas. Two hobos had satiated my need for blood for a while. There was no way I could sit in the crowded casinos that Alice described without drinking first.

"I'm fine," I said as I smiled at her. I looked into our completely full car – Alice barely fit in it now – and tried to see pink among the bags.

"I have them in the overnight bag," she laughed as she went around to grab the suitcase. "I found a few more items at some of the smaller shops here. You won't believe what merchandise I found just outside of Vegas!"

---

"There will be others here who wear sunglasses, so don't worry about appearing out of place. No one here will care, anyway. I won't gamble much, so that I can see any problems and help you out. We need to leave this casino by one and be home before six tomorrow morning or we will be caught by the sun. Any questions?" Alice rattled off the final instructions to us as we stood in the door of the Flamingo Casino. It was blissfully dim inside and would hide our pale skin easily. We wore sunglasses with our evening gowns and jackets, and just as Alice said, we weren't alone. Even so, we all walked with stone-like stiffness as she whisked us into the gaming room.

"_Smiles_," she hissed, and the three of us instantly pulled our mouths into happy smiles that matched those of the humans around us. Alice said that people were only happy in the early evening; by midnight, we could scowl with all the ferocity of our kind, and we would look just like the humans here.

We started at the Roulette tables, and true to her prediction, no one thought anything of our odd appearance. In fact, all the humans were far more attracted to us than afraid of us. The constant flow of booze only made the sexual tension rise throughout the night, until I could barely stand to be in the crowded poker game that ended my night at this casino.

Alice was right. If we stayed in any casino for too long, we attracted unwanted attention. A large man in an expensive suit came up to Peter and me during our poker game and asked us if he could buy us drinks on the house or show us to other gaming tables. The offer was pleasant, but the threat was real.

Peter simply smiled fiercely and said, "My, don't you look delicious." The human turned bright red and then deathly white as Alice tried unsuccessfully to hold back her giggles.

"He wasn't sure quite how to take that," she laughed as we cashed out our winnings and left.

At each casino, Alice helped us win, but not too much. Although she could have easily shut the place down, we strategically lost so that it didn't look suspicious. Still, by the time we moved on to the El Rancho casino, we were all several thousand dollars richer, and the smiles on Peter's and Charlotte's faces were real.

"Alice, you are the most wonderful vampire in the world, and I love you. I truly do," Peter laughed as we walked down the crowded road at dawn.

"I haven't ever had this much fun," said Charlotte as she dodged a very drunk couple. "I don't know which is better, playing the games or watching the humans."

"Will you be able to stay until Independence Day?" asked Alice. "The fireworks are wonderful." She was enjoying their company so much that she really didn't want them to leave.

"That will give us two more nights of gambling, right? I think we can manage it," he grinned. Peter really didn't like to stay in one spot too long. He had been Maria's chief spy and assassin, and he never lost the feeling of paranoia that his past left him with. "You don't see any problems, do ya, Alice?"

"None except that you are going to have bulging pockets when you leave. Have you ever considered purchasing a car?" she laughed. I was amazed at how quickly they came to trust Alice.

_July 4 _

"I love this city. Nowhere else on earth could I look like a vampire and appear_ normal_." Peter was surrounded by humans and totally relaxed. Now that it was night, he didn't need to wear the sunglasses. Several of the humans around us had bloodier eyes than his.

"If you think this is fun, come back in a few years," Alice said in hushed tones. "Not only will there be more casinos, but the streets will be paved so the dust won't be so bad." The dust was one of the reasons for so many red eyes; the other was lack of sleep. The humans here didn't even come alive until dark. This desert city was the perfect vacation spot for vampires, and with Alice's gift, it was also an incredibly profitable place.

The jostling crowds didn't bother us, of course. Even here, humans knew enough to stay away from us. Mostly. Drunken humans are too stupid to know what's best, but we enjoyed watching them too much to destroy them.

"Are you okay?" Alice asked quietly. I stiffened and checked my control.

"I'm fine. Did you see something?"

"No," she cocked her head to the side, her normal stance for checking the future. "Nope, you're fine. I wasn't sure how hard it was for you here in the crowd."

"So long as I eat carefully, I don't have as many problems," I reminded her.

Suddenly, a rocket streaked up through the sky, and the crowd cheered as the first of the fireworks exploded. We all "Ahed" our approval. The beautiful display lasted over thirty minutes, and was well worth our time. We made our way slowly to the cars afterward. We were parting tonight so that we could drive across the desert in the dark to hide our skin.

Peter and Charlotte spent some of their earnings on a Chevy so that they wouldn't have to carry their new wardrobe. Five days with Alice, and they were burdened down with more clothing and books than they could possibly carry. I would miss them, but I was oddly at peace. A part of my past had returned and fit seamlessly into my new life.

"If we find the golden-eyed coven, do you want us to tell them about you?" Peter asked before climbing in his new car. Alice had drawn them portraits of the Cullens on cocktail napkins when she told them of the family, and he stowed them in the glove box. They promised to keep their eyes open for them in their travels.

"No, don't say anything if you find them. I don't want them knowing about Alice's gift."

"A gift like hers will be hard to hide. Are you sure they won't use her?"

My gut clenched. "I hope not."

"I don't know if I could take Charlotte to a new coven. After seeing what Maria and the others did, I don't trust them. I've never heard of a good coven. Never." Peter kept his voice too low for Alice and Charlotte to hear.

"I know. I don't like it, but Alice has seen them. She's even seen us with them, and she assures me it will be fine. I have to let her try."

Peter shook my hand before sliding into his car. Charlotte hugged Alice and blew me a kiss, and then they were off.

"Do you miss it?" asked Alice as she watched them speed away.

"Miss what?"

"Being free and on the road like Peter. Do you miss it?" She wasn't angry or afraid, merely curious, so I answered her honestly.

"I don't know if you noticed or not, but Peter isn't free anymore. You _attacked_ them, and now they have a car loaded down with useless things." I kissed her head. "I think I might miss it once we find the family, but for now, all I can feel is sorry for them. I've grown to like being able to be a part of the human world; it makes me feel a little less evil, a little more alive." I felt her mood lighten at my words.

"I love you, Jasper. I wish I could somehow tell you how much," she said as we walked to our car and got in. "You will like being part of a family, too. Just wait and see."

I tried not to grimace at her statement, and decided to play along.

"What do they do for Independence Day?" As much as I still hated the fact that I would need to share Alice with them, their lives were fascinating to me.

She sat in the car and went very still. "Same thing: fireworks and lots of them. Only they do their own." She paused for a few moments before laughing. "Emmett nearly caught the forest on fire," she gasped, "and Edward took out Esme's rose bushes. Remind me not to make Esme mad," she laughed again. I smiled despite myself.

"Anything else?"

I felt her disappear again, and when she returned it was with a whoop of triumph.

"Their house! I saw it, Jasper! Esme wanted the boys to catch it on fire because she isn't happy with it. She did a modern house in the style of Frank Lloyd Wright, and she hates it because it's _too_ modern." She rolled her eyes and shook her head in frustration. Esme's fascination with old styles was a source of constant annoyance for Alice.

"Did you see anything more? Is it in the mountains?"

"No, but it is definitely in a thick, deciduous forest. So I don't think we need to head into northern Canada. It really is a nice house, I don't see her issue with it," she huffed.

"Which direction?"

"Head back south-east to the Rockies. We'll make our way north and then west." She began sketching the home for me in her well-used drawing book.

"We'll find them, Alice." _As much as I hate that fact, we will._

_December 22, 1949_

I knew better than to laugh at her, but the look on Alice's face was hilarious. She was trying to be happy, and failing miserably. We originally came to this small store to see if they could make boots for Carlisle, size nine – wide, but I had come back to get the boots I wanted. And Alice was beside herself.

Carlisle's boots were classic; deep brown, plain, and very professional looking. My boots were every ounce cowboy. I had them made with black leather to match my hat. The toes were not as pointed as most, but still had the steel tip I wanted. The stitching and cut outs on the side were things of beauty, and these boots were exactly what I envisioned a boot to be.

For Alice, they were a fashion desecration. From the look on her face, I would need to vigilantly protect them from her. I wondered how long I could wear them and how on earth I would manage hiding them from a determined psychic.

"This really is the best Christmas gift you could give me," I offered, trying to coax some forgiveness from her. She only grunted. The poor shop owner looked as if he would either soil his pants or faint at any moment. I really couldn't blame him. Facing an angry Alice was a terrifying prospect.

"I'm going to wait in the car," she said as she took Carlisle's boots and marched out.

Perfect.

"Did you get the other package done?" I asked quietly. The salesman simply nodded as he handed me the box that contained my old shoes. He didn't like to look me in the face.

"I don't get many requests for these types of things, but it turned out well." I could feel his pride swell despite his fear. "They turned out… very… lovely."

He handed me a tightly wrapped package and I handed him his pay and a handsome tip. His face instantly brightened. I doubt that he got many tips like that in this dusty Montana town. I hadn't even seen the product yet, but I didn't need to. I loved the lace unmentionables that Alice constantly found, but they were just so easily shredded. I smiled as I thought of the supple black leather items in the bag. Of course, I was cheating. Leather lingerie was more of a gift for me, but I hoped she would see it differently.

"Is that my Christmas present?" she asked as I stowed the packages in the back seat. The trunk was full enough to burst.

"Yep."

She squinted and then sighed. "How did you do that?" she asked in frustration.

I made the mental note. If I didn't see it, she couldn't either. Handy.

"I ordered it, but I haven't seen it yet."

"Oh, well, thank you," she said curtly. Her smile was forced -- she hated surprises.

She drove slowly through the snowy hills as we headed to a cabin she knew of. We would spend our second Christmas high in the Bitterroot Range. I couldn't wait.

Without warning, her hands dropped from the steering wheel, and I had to grab it to keep from skidding off the slick road. I pulled Alice's body from the driver's seat and took her place at the wheel. This vision was long, and it worried me to have her missing for so long.

When she returned, her joy flooded the car.

"I saw them! They are spending Christmas near their new home."

"_Where_ near home?"

"I don't know, but they were watching the sunset! The sunset!"

I was confused. "_And_?"

"They watched the sun as it set over the ocean. They're on the west coast!"

_May 16, 1950_

"I used to love swinging from the trees when I was a boy. This is so much better!"

Alice jumped across the span of the bridge to join me on one of the massive supports. I could feel the red metal sway under us as cars passed below, but none of them noticed us here.

"I love the smell of the ocean," she laughed as she faced the setting sun. It had turned the sky above us a red that matched the color of the bridge, but was now sliding behind the incoming fog bank. San Francisco is a friendly place for vampires, especially in late spring, and this bridge was the best toy I had ever found.

We watched the sun slide down its path in the sky as the whistle of the wind, the faint sounds of traffic and the constant squeaking and ringing of the bridge wove themselves into an odd concert around us.

"We can stay here a while, but only if you promise not to buy anything else. I can't even fit in the car any longer." It was true. The painting Alice had bought for Esme was lovely, but the stupid thing kept hitting my head when we went around corners. Alice was so preoccupied with seeing the family that she often didn't catch it.

The petulant look on Alice's face told me that staying here might not be an option. She was bound and determined to shop in the quaint stores. Shopping might be worth it, though, if it kept us from the family for a few more days. We had found the spot that Alice had seen in her vision, Carmel near Monterey Bay, but we found no more evidence of them. I had to admit, they were very good at disappearing. Being so close had frustrated Alice and terrified me. I couldn't enjoy the magnificent ocean views, knowing that I was about to lose my mate.

I looked to the dying light and again wondered how long I had. Alice felt my anguish, of course, and hugged me.

"It will be fine. They will love you," she said. Her words did nothing to ease my feeling of imminent loss. I knew they would not love me. Only Alice had ever done that. What they would do is take her attention from me, and though it was utterly selfish, I could not endure that.

"Race you to the shore," she called to distract me, and I found myself running along the wires, trying to reach her. My long legs quickly brought me into grabbing range, but her body went suddenly limp, and before my hand could catch her, she fell from me. I dove after her and was able to catch her leg and then reach and grab one of the supporting wires with my left hand. Several wires splintered from their inter-winding spiral, but the support held, and I swung Alice over my shoulder and scampered back up the thick metal rope. She still did not wake, so I quickly ran to the next support, and laid her gently down. My voice cracked with the panic I felt as I rubbed her arms and called her name.

She opened her eyes, and a bright smile spread across her face, to be followed by a look of utter bewilderment.

"What happened?" she asked as she sat up. I hugged her tightly before answering.

"You blanked out and fell. I almost didn't catch you in time."

"Oh, Jasper, I'm so sorry." Her eyes were wide as she realized how close to catastrophe we had come. If she had made it to the road, we would have had to kill anyone who had seen her fall.

"It's not your fault," I said as I kissed her head. I wondered again how many times she had nearly killed someone because of her visions. I cringed as I thought of how easily she could _be_ killed in a battle if they hit at the wrong moment.

"I saw them, Jasper. I saw them clearly," she said over the wind and metallic noises that now rang in my ears like a discordant prelude. "Emmett was sitting on the floor roaring in laughter as he tried to hold up a car. Rosalie and Edward were standing on opposite sides of the garage, glaring at each other, and in between them was a huge wrench. It was bent and twisted so that it looked like it fit perfectly over a head. Only, I don't know which head it fit over." She began to laugh at the memory, and I had to chuckle. The family seemed to ruin a lot of good tools that way.

"That's not the best part, though," she continued. "Esme came in and began scolding them and told them that they were so noisy that the whole town of Eugene could hear. Eugene! Jasper, they're in Oregon!" She laughed again, and kissed me hard in her joy. I tried to be happy with her. I tried to take in her joy and force it to be my own, but all I could think was that my time was up. I looked out over the bay with eyes a brighter red than the bridge, and tried to comprehend losing part of Alice to the Cullens. The clanging of the bridge's wires became the tolling bells of death.

_Eugene, Oregon -- May 20, 1950_

I looked out of the car's window and tried to ignore the orange of my eyes in my reflection. We were finally doing what I dreaded. We were driving to the Cullen home to meet the family of golden eyed vampires that Alice already loved.

Alice and I had hunted as soon as we got to Eugene, trying to get my eye color to change. She refused to let us go near the home until Edward and Emmett were gone because they would not take kindly to us, though I knew she meant that they would fear me. Two young, male vampires would not react well to someone like me.

When she saw the boys leave for a college baseball game and overnight hunting trip, we rented a small motel room to clean up and dress. She was wearing a French dress and matching pillbox hat, and I was now sporting an Italian suit and fedora hat.

I felt ridiculous.

Alice's hand reached across to straighten my tie for the hundredth time, and I growled a clear warning.

"Relax," she said with a huge smile plastered to her face.

"You relax." I pointedly looked to her rapidly bouncing knees as the car trembled in time with her tapping heels. It sounded like a jackhammer in the small space.

Her hand flitted to my collar again, and I grabbed it. "If you touch my clothes again, I will tear off this monkey suit and knock on their door buck naked!"

Her eyes went wide and her smile disappeared. "You wouldn't!"

"Look and see," I hissed. After a moment, she gasped loudly and crossed her arms to keep her hands still.

"I'm sorry," she said as her feet began their rapid pounding again. "I'm just so excited!"

"I know. _Believe_ me, I know." I had stopped trying to calm her two miles back. There was just no use in it, and I wanted to save my gift for when it was most needed. Carlisle would be instantly defensive as the sole male, and I wanted to make sure I could calm any situation if necessary.

"Alice, I need to know that we are clear on how to approach a coven. You can't just run up and hug them." As much as she denied it, I knew deep down that that was exactly her plan.

"I know what to do," she huffed. "We've been over this a hundred times, but they won't care, though, Jasper. None of those things will matter to them."

"They matter to me," I hissed as we rounded the last corner and came upon the modern home. We drove the car because Alice said hearing the engine's sound would warn them of our approach. She felt that walking silently up and surprising them might not go well. Between her constant tapping and the squeaking of our struts as the overburdened car labored down the dirt road, they had been hearing us for miles now.

Alice yipped when she saw the door of the home open and three of our kind walk out. I felt her unbounded joy, and grabbed her shoulder in warning.

"Slowly, like I said."

She stuck her tongue out at me, but opened the door at human speed. I had stopped the car at the edge of the forest so that we could approach slowly. They needed to see that we weren't a threat, or that_ I _wasn't a threat. No one was afraid of Alice.

We walked around to the front of the car and stopped with our hands raised, palms out. I looked into the face of Carlisle, and into his emotional mood, and was shocked. In both body and spirit, he was golden somehow, like the sun and just as warm. There was none of the anger, the natural ferocity of our kind, in him. However, a fierce protectiveness welled up in him as soon as he saw my face, yet he did not become aggressive. He stepped defensively in front of the two women, Rosalie who was growling and Esme who was smiling nervously, and raised his hands in reply. I noted a worn set of loafers covering his feet.

Alice was right when she said they weren't like any other coven. They were torn between curiosity and happiness at seeing Alice's eyes, and outright fear at seeing me. I had never seen a more harmless looking coven. Of course, I had been fooled once by a harmless looking vampire and would never allow myself to be tricked again.

I carefully tested the mood of those around me. Their fear of me was considerable, and Carlisle was now on guard. It didn't feel like they would attack us, but the potential was there. They would easily become aggressive, especially Rosalie, if we made the wrong move.

Very slowly, I put my arm behind my mate -- and took a handful of her dress. She turned and shot me a baleful glare and a dose of anger, but I didn't care. So help me God, she was not going to jump on these people.

"I'm Jasper, and this is my mate, Alice. We have come to visit with you and mean no harm. There are gifts for you in our car," I said as I sent out the strongest thrust of peace I could.

Carlisle's answering smile was... _comforting_. "I'm Carlisle Cullen, and these are two members of my coven. You are welcome here. Your offer of gifts is kind, but unnecessary, I assure you."

A very strong twinge of annoyance emanated from Rosalie as he said that.

And so we began walking towards the home and the curious faces of a vampire family. Alice was exuberant. More than that, she was full of hope and the feeling of _home_, and I was happy for her. My angel had found her place among her kind. Yet, my only hope was that they would not see me for what I was, a demon hanging onto the heel of an angel and hoping to slip into heaven with her.

_**Alice**_

_We're here. They're here. This is just as it should be. _

The outcome wasn't certain yet, and the immediate future was still a garbled mess because of unmade decisions, but this_ was _how it should most serene sense of belonging filled me. This was my place. After so long, I had found _my_ place.

I was so caught up in my own happiness that I very nearly ran forward despite Jasper's hold on me -- drat him.

I wanted to run, to tell them how much I missed them, and to hug them all. Of course, if I did, I would be in my underclothes because Jasper wasn't about to let go of my dress. Besides, they would probably think it was weird.

Still, as the gravel slowly crunched under my feet, I could feel myself trembling with growing excitement.

My smile threatened to crack my face as I looked at each of them. Esme, the only mother I had ever known, looked at me with _kindness_. Carlisle's face held wonder and a look of welcome that I had never seen in one of my kind. Rosalie looked... annoyed. I took that as a good sign, because she always looked annoyed. Each of them stared evenly into my eyes with astonished recognition

It seemed to take an eternity, but we finally crossed the yard and began ascending the steps of the front walkway. Their scents hit me, the sweet smells of the earth all mingled into an incredible incense. I caught a future glimpse of us talking in the home as my foot came to rest on the top step.

Carlisle came forward and Jasper stepped in front of me, protective as always. In the most human of motions, Carlisle held out his hand. Jasper froze. Vampires did _not_ shake hands when they first met.

Very slowly, Jasper removed his hand from my back and took Carlisle's. Carlisle looked curiously at his burnt-orange eyes and scarred face, but smiled warmly.

Esme stepped forward and held out her delicate hand. She was still behind Carlisle, but smiled a little despite her obvious nervousness.

"Hello," she said with a hint of hesitation.

Rosalie nodded without smiling.

Then it was my turn. Trying to contain myself, I held out a trembling hand towards the man who taught me how to live. He grasped it with both his hands, and my arm grew somehow warm. I had to fight myself not to wrap my arms around him.

"You're trembling," he said gently, the wonderful lilt to his perfect voice comforting me.

"She's _bouncing,_" corrected Rosalie with an amused smile.

"I'm just so happy to be here. You have no idea how wonderful it is to _finally _meet you." My voice sounded breathless, even to me.

Carlisle looked at me strangely as he released my hand. I reluctantly let go. Now that we had found them, I needed to touch them to make sure they were real.

Esme's smiling face greeted me as her hands wrapped around mine. "Finally?" she asked.

"Oh, yes, Esme" I laughed, suddenly giddy in my relief. "I've been watching you all my life! I've watched you and waited for thirty years to meet you all."

Every vampire on the porch froze while I giggled in merriment. Beside me, a very deep voice hissed, "Alice!"

"Well… that's… kind of… odd?" said Rosalie. Her own gorgeous face was skewed as she tried to understand my statement.

Esme's hand dropped mine, and Carlisle moved protectively in front of her. "How do you know my name?" she asked.

Jasper was behind me, frantically sending out as much calming peace as he could, but he was so annoyed with me that each wave of calm was followed by icy frustration. Of course, maybe he was sending that only to me.

"How did you find out about us?" asked Rosalie with a deep growl. She was already in a partial crouch.

Carlisle's face remained calm, but he was now clearly protective of his family as he stood with his arms out wide.

"I'm terribly sorry we disturbed you. We will be leaving now," Jasper quickly said as his fingers wrapped themselves around my shoulders, and he began pulling me back from the house that took me thirty years to find. He was growling in response to Rosalie and desperately trying to get me away from the family that I had so badly confused. I dug my heels into the ground, and tried to pull free of him, but one heel popped off from the pressure, making me stumble just a bit. Jasper took advantage of that and began dragging me off the steps.

"Stop it," I huffed as I turned to face him. "They aren't going to attack because I said something weird." I stomped my good shoe to emphasize my point and to pop the other heel off. There is nothing worse than uneven shoes.

His eyes were fixed on Carlisle who had moved down the steps with Esme at his side.

I felt the growl growing in Jasper's belly as the two males watched each other. Why did he have to be so obstinate?

Carlisle must have sensed Jasper's threat, because he stopped and pulled Esme behind him.

This was not supposed to happen.

I put my hands on Jasper's chest and cursed myself for forcing him to wear so many layers of clothing. I needed to touch him.

"They won't hurt us, my love. Please believe me," I said with a quiet and steady voice. He looked into my eyes for a moment, and then returned his gaze to Carlisle. He was still tense, I could feel it through the clothing, but he stopped his retreat. I turned to Carlisle, willing him to understand our odd behavior. "We were betrayed before by another coven. My mate is desperate to protect me."

Carlisle paused for a moment, and then slowly dropped his arms and stood. Esme walked to his side. She looked to her husband, and they joined hands and slowly walked towards Jasper. Even I knew that was the wrong thing to do for vampires, but somehow it was so right when they did it.

"We didn't mean to frighten you, Jasper. Neither I nor any member of my family have any intention of harming either of you." Carlisle's smile returned, comforting and warm. "I also understand the need to protect your mate. Jasper, if you feel you need to leave, by all means do so. Please know that we would welcome your return at any time. You obviously believe in our… lifestyle to some extent, and we would love to get to know you." Esme was nodding beside him. She was intently looking at our eyes, and Jasper's scars.

Jasper was no longer growling, and I took the chance and placed my hand on his as it rested on my shoulder. He was clearly torn and very anxious. I sent him my love before facing him. Our future rested on this decision, and the decision had to be his.

"I trust you. It's your choice."

He looked intently at me, strangely torn. He wanted something, but I didn't know what.

"It's safe?" he asked, so quiet that I barely caught it. My smile was wide as I nodded.

Esme took a hesitant step towards Jasper. "Please don't go. Won't you come inside and tell us about your lives? As Carlisle said, you are free to leave, but I know we would love to get to know you." Esme's voice was just as welcoming as her husband's.

Carlisle joined his wife. "You were betrayed and nearly destroyed because of her gift?" he asked, giving Jasper the chance to tell.

Jasper looked at me, and a strange pain flashed across his face before he looked back to Carlisle and simply said, "I can't allow her to be hurt."

"Your gift must be very powerful indeed. Powerful gifts are powerful burdens to carry," said Carlisle gently and with a look of compassion.

"Yes, it is," I said, stunned by Carlisle's understanding. "I shouldn't have said what I did, but I really have waited thirty years to find you. I saw you and Edward hunting when I was just a newborn, and so you taught me to hunt animals without even meeting me." I laughed at the ridiculous reality that was my life. I was talking much too fast, but now that I had told the truth, it spilled out like water breaching a dam. "I've watched you all these years, and I've seen you build your family. I know when you added Esme, Rosalie, and Emmett. You have no idea how much I've longed for this day -- the day I would meet my family."

I heard Rosalie whistle quietly, but no one else moved or spoke for what seemed like an eternity. Carlisle stood deep in thought, and Esme looked to her mate for guidance.

Finally, Carlisle walked over to me and placed his hands on my shoulders. Jasper tensed but didn't back away.

"You honor me," he whispered. Then he turned to Jasper. "You are right to be so protective. You came here in hopes of joining us?"

"Yes, sir," Jasper said, looking him in they eye.

"That changes things a bit," Carlisle said after a pause. "Please, come in and talk with us. I give you my word, my vow, that we will not harm you. You're the first of our kind to ask to join our family, and I believe we need to understand each other better. I want to know more about you and your gift, Alice, and the danger you have been in. If I'm not mistaken, your scars tell of a long and hard life, Jasper, which I am also curious about. You seem to know a great deal about us already, but I'm sure you have several questions you want to ask us as well." His voice remained absolutely calm and soothing.

Jasper softened, both physically and emotionally.

"We have several gifts for your family. I would be in your debt if you took them. Why don't we get them out first?" Jasper nodded to me and we moved slowly back to the car while the family followed at a distance. I really didn't think that they cared, but Jasper did, and that was reason enough.

When Jasper unlocked the trunk, it sprang open with a loud pop. I heard Esme gasp and Carlisle utter a very quiet, "Oh, my."

"I really wish Emmett was here," Rosalie giggled. "He has no right to complain about my shopping habits after _this."_

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I can't tell you how much my beta's did for this chapter. I was really off on a wrong path, and they drug me back. If you liked it, thank them. If it was horrid, that's all me.

So, they are home, or at least Alice is. Jasper has found his family, but he doesn't know it yet. He has a long way to go. Tell me, what do you think will be the hardest thing for him?

(I already mentioned Cheatin' Eddie the Sissy Vampire, so he doesn't count).

I wanted to share with you two authors that you might be interested in.

quothme and VirginiaMay

Do you have other authors whose work is excellent and clean? PM me, I would love to share them with my readers.


	16. Chapter 16: Conspiracy of Spite

Hello all! This is the first half of a double installment that will hopefully go up by tomorrow – if fanfiction doesn't fail me like it did yesterday.

Did you ever wonder why Alice took his bedroom? Was it spite? A joke? Just Alice being Alice? Here is your answer.

Thanks to all my readers who have faithfully reviewed this story. I am thrilled that we have almost 500 reviews!

Huge thanks go to the three best beta readers and hand holders around: Remylebeauishot, Mistral123, and Vanessa James!

Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and all its characters and plot lines. I own original characters and plots, and a garden that was covered in snow last week.

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Jasper moaned when he heard the family's shocked exclamations. He shot me a look of utter annoyance, but I merely smiled at him. Their reactions were just what I wanted, and nothing could stop me from being happy as I let my mind wander to the future. They would open the presents, that much was certain. I could tell they would be thrilled with the gifts, but the more distant future still writhed in uncertainty. I would need to be very careful from here on out, and that wasn't going to be easy.

"Focus," Jasper hissed as he jabbed the purses and Carlisle's boots and books at me while he took out the painting.

"Why didn't you get a trailer or a larger car?" asked Esme in bewilderment.

"I tried. Jasper wouldn't let me," I said with a roll of my eyes.

Jasper laughed a little too loudly, and Esme backed up just a bit. My chest clenched at her reaction to him. They really were very afraid of him. When he looked at her, though, his face was calm. "You don't understand Alice's ability to shop. I _had_ to keep Alice to one car's worth of items. It wouldn't matter if we had a bus, she would still fill it up. You don't know her potential when it comes to buying gifts and unnecessary 'necessities.' If I had let her have her way, she would have brought a caravan of delivery trucks trailing behind us."

I opened my mouth to argue, but thought better of it. He was probably right, and we had fought about it enough already.

We walked over to the family and handed each one their gifts. Soft "thank yous" sounded around us, and Rosalie's face glowed with her wide smile.

"I can help you replace those struts," she laughed with a final glance at my sagging car. She turned and walked into the house with Esme following. Carlisle smiled and motioned for us to precede him inside. He wouldn't turn his back on us.

Jasper kept his arm firmly around me as we entered the home. I knew the inside of the home so well now that it felt like I was returning home, not seeing it for the first time. I noted all the familiar furniture and art, relishing each piece as if it were a long lost friend.

Beside me, Jasper walked like a soldier entering an enemies stronghold. He was vigilant to the extreme, his eyes flitting over the room as if he expected an attack at any moment. His arm held me tightly, and he hunched over a bit, protecting me at all costs. He was so melodramatic.

The spacious entryway ended in a wide staircase. On each side of the stairway was an entryway into another room. We turned to the left, and went into a very modern living space. It was wide open and furnished with craftsman style furniture. Except for a few mismatched pieces of ornate antique furniture, the room was a lesson on home decorating. I had seen this room a dozen times, and yet with that strange familiarity, I was seeing it for the first time. I sighed in contentment. I looked sideways at Jasper, and he rolled his eyes.

"Please come in and make yourselves at home," said Esme as she indicated a sofa across the room.

Rosalie was already seated, the beaded purse I'd found a year ago lying over her lap. She was opening the package containing the fur overcoat with a look of rapture on her face.

Esme opened her purse as well, but she took her time admiring the floral pattern and delicate fringe. "These are wonderful, Alice. Where on earth did you get them?"

"In a dress shop in Tennessee. They were quite a find, even for me." I smiled happily at their obvious pleasure in my gifts.

Carlisle had unwrapped the rare portrait by Whistler and was admiring it. "This will be perfect in your studio, my dear," he smiled at his mate. Esme gasped and had the painting in her hands in less than a second. "A real Whistler? How on _earth_ did you know that I love Whistler?" She beamed at me, and I returned her wide smile.

"Normally, gifts to a seated coven are the first step in gaining acceptance. You brought these for this reason?" Carlisle indicated that we should take a seat, which I gladly did. However, Jasper chose to stand behind me, his hand lightly lay on my shoulder as a reminder that I was doing this all wrong. I made a mental note to remind him that I always did things the wrong way, and he needed to get over it.

"Alice and I came to find you because your coven has made the same choices as she has. You are right in your assumption, sir." My heart dropped at his statement. I hated that this wasn't his choice, too.

Carlisle nodded, and from his stance I could tell that he was trying to assess us, especially Jasper.

"Your gifts are unexpected and greatly appreciated," Esme said as she looked pointedly at Rosalie.

"Yes, thank you," Rosalie said before turning back to admire the dress she had just unwrapped. As well she should, I considered it one of the highlights from Jacques Fath's current collection.

"Where are my manners?" Esme fussed. "Please let me take your hat and coat, Jasper." She held out her hands expectantly, and I held my breath. Jasper had chosen to wear his hair down under the wide brimmed fedora to help hide his scars. Jasper hesitated just a moment, then his hand left my shoulder as he removed his hat and coat and pulled his free hand through his hair to brush it back. The scars that rippled across his hands and face were unmistakable in the brightly lit room.

If Jasper had frightened Esme before, he terrified her now. She had never seen such a mangled vampire, and as her wide eyes swept over him, she gasped and backed away into a defensive crouch.

Rosalie slowly stood with a hiss escaping her now ferocious face. Jasper didn't move. Carlisle and he were standing across from each other, staring intently at the other. Carlisle no longer looked like the father. He left no doubt as his status as the leader of his coven. His eyes were hard, his nose flared and his body was tensed for battle. Yet, even before Jasper could redouble his gift, Carlisle calmed and relaxed a bit. His stance didn't change, but his face softened as he assessed my mate. Jasper forced his calm into the room, and the tension continued to ease, but didn't completely go away.

"Rosalie," Carlisle's quiet command stilled her instantly, and a raised hand motioned for her to sit. "Your past is quite different from ours, Jasper, and my family has never seen a warrior before. I myself, in all my years, have never seen anyone who survived so many attacks. We were unprepared for you. Please forgive us."

"It's quite alright, sir, I assure you. My appearance normally causes far worse reactions," said my southern gentleman. His hand returned to my shoulder as peace filled me. I could tell that Carlisle's gentle response had caught him off guard.

"Nevertheless, I was wrong, and I'm very sorry. You are our guests." Esme's voice carried so much warmth that even Jasper seemed to respond to it. To her credit, she smiled a little as she took his hat and coat and placed them on a tree by the door.

"I took no offense, ma'am"

Carlisle seemed to come to a decision, and he sat down to open his gifts. He was happily surprised to see the rare volumes of Shakespeare's works, but was stupefied by the boots. "You even know my shoe size," he said in wonder. He chuckled and shook his head as he tried them on. Then, he carefully placed the boots and books to the side as he waited for Esme to return to her seat. Rosalie was still absorbed in her gifts.

Esme moved to her mate's side and sat by him in one fluid motion. She smiled at her mate, who took her hand before relaxing back into the love seat. It was a small motion, but it spoke volumes of their love. I looked up to Jasper, hoping to see a similar reaction from him. Jasper's hand never left my shoulder, and I sensed his watchful caution in his silence. Though his stance was more relaxed, he would not give up the tactical advantage of his standing position. I smiled at him to show that I understood, and he nodded in reply.

"Your gifts are marvelous," Carlisle began, "and I am honored to accept them." He looked directly at Jasper, and I knew that something more formal than simple gratitude was taking place.

"Thank you. We are honored to give them to you," said Jasper's deep voice, and his hand tightened briefly on my shoulder. Something important had just taken place. I didn't understand all of the exchange, but a rapid vision of Jasper and I carrying a couch down the stairs flashed through my mind. Moving furniture seemed to be an important part of our future here, although I couldn't imagine why. I tried to suppress my smile.

"You came to us with the intention of joining us, for which we are also honored. It seems that you do indeed know all about us, right down to our sizes." He chuckled and shook his head as he looked at the two of us. "My coven is at a serious disadvantage here, it seems. Before two covens can join, there needs to be a degree of understanding between them. Perhaps we should begin by learning of your pasts. Please tell us about yourselves." It wasn't really a request, and the feeling of subtle formality lingered in his words. However, his smile was so paternal that I had to fight the urge to jump up and hug him. He was the only father I had ever known. I kept reminding myself that he didn't know that yet.

Carlisle kept his attention on Jasper, clearly letting him make the choice and take the lead. Carlisle's gentle wisdom surprised me. Without knowing our pasts, he had correctly discerned our present.

"I am the older of us, perhaps I should go first," Jasper said with a glance at me. I smiled and nodded.

"My name is Jasper Whitlock. I was born in Texas in 1843, and lost my life during the Battle of Galveston during the Civil War in 1863. I was changed by an army maker, and I fought for her as the captain of her army for almost eighty years. During that time, I killed thousands -- both human and vampire. I left my maker fourteen years ago to become a nomad and find peace. It didn't work well, and I eventually travelled to the east coast in an attempt to find a coven to end my life. I no longer wished to exist." The bitterness in his voice was tangible. "Then one morning, I went into a small diner in the city of Philadelphia, and Alice hopped off a barstool and scared the death right out of me. We have been together for the past two years."

Jasper's straightforward confession of his past left the room in silence. Rosalie was looking at him with wide eyes, and I couldn't tell if it was fear or surprise on her face.

Esme spoke first. "Jasper, your story is amazing but heartbreaking. I am so sorry for your painful past. I can't imagine being so alone for so long." Her voice was brimming over with compassion. I wanted to run and hug her.

"There is no reason to feel sorry for me. I chose that path just as much as it was chosen for me," Jasper said. He wasn't angry, just honest, but I could tell her answer had softened him.

"Thank you for telling us truthfully," Carlisle said looking at my mate intensely. "I've never met anyone like you, and I'm equally amazed at your story. I've never heard of a soldier lasting so long in the battles of the South; you must be a skilled warrior. I need to know, though, if you present any danger to my family. Do you still consider yourself a warrior? _Are_ you a danger?"

I held my breath. The future twisted in my mind, writhing in the words of the moment.

"Yes, sir, I am. I do not _want_ to be a soldier any longer, and I don't want to be dangerous, but I am and will forever be both. No matter how far I run from my past, I can't get away from what I am. I have been relentlessly attacked because I bear the scars of battle. No matter where I go, I am always deemed an enemy, and so I am one. I do not fight because of my desire, but rather because of others' fear. Regardless, I make a deadly enemy," Jasper ended quietly, with no hint of animosity in his violent words. He had again simply spoken the bitter truth.

Carlisle smiled, but sadness touched the corners of his eyes. My heart sank in its eternal silence as I wondered if that had doomed us, but the future replayed again, showing us filling the garage with furniture.

"Again, thank you for your honesty. I promise you, so long as you desire peace, I will not view you as an enemy."

He turned his golden face to me. "You are a seer of some type." It was a statement rather than a question. Jasper's fingers twitched, but he remained still. I could finally tell them everything. The room was heavily silent, waiting for me.

"I am a seer," I began, hoping to find a way as I spoke to convey to them all that I needed to say without scaring them.

"What is it you see?" asked Esme at my pause. Her eyes were kind as she nodded her encouragement to me. She knew, somehow, that this was difficult for me.

"I see the future, or at least parts of it, and I usually know what will happen after a decision of some kind is made. I see our kind most clearly, but I can see human events at times." I waited for a response, but the only one was Rosalie's rapid intake of breath. Carlisle and Esme sat in tightly controlled stillness.

I was suddenly very unsure of how to proceed, and almost giddy at the prospect of sharing my life. I'd waited thirty years to share my story with Carlisle. I'd dreamed of this day since I'd first seen him running through the forest after deer, but now that the moment was here, it was difficult.

Jasper's fingers rubbed my shoulder, and his other hand came up as I was washed in peace. I touched his fingers before continuing. I needed his touch to anchor me.

"Maybe you should start at the beginning," he whispered. I had spoken those words on the day we met, over two years ago, when I first tried to tell him about me and my gift. The memory of that failed conversation gave me strength to share with my family. From the beginning -- that I could do.

"I woke on March 18, 1920 without a maker or memory. I don't even remember the burning. I simply woke up and was what I am now --"

"How could you _not_ remember the burning?" Rosalie's face was jealous.

"I don't know. I really don't know anything at all from before except that my name is Alice. I'm not even really sure about that, but the name fits me somehow." I looked at Rosalie's disbelieving face and realized I would need to take this very slow.

"You truly don't remember your family or life from before?" Esme asked. Her voice was full of concern.

"I don't remember anything at all. I don't know why or how I was changed. The very first thing I knew after I saw the sun was that Jasper was to be my mate -- I saw his face in my mind. I didn't even know my name yet, but I knew him." I looked up at him and felt the wonder of that first moment of love. For the first time in days, he honestly smiled back at me. How I had missed his smile.

When I looked back, Esme and Carlisle were holding hands.

"Without anyone to guide me, I ran wildly north, controlled by my instincts and my need for blood. I killed over an over again, unable to stop myself until I hid in an empty school." I heard Esme gasp, so I smiled reassuringly at her. "I didn't, don't worry. My visions told me what would happen if I stayed in that school and waited. I could see the destruction and death I would cause, and that knowledge gave me the strength to leave. Two months later, I saw Carlisle and Edward hunting deer. I didn't know their names or see their faces, but I knew I belonged with them. It took me two years to try it, but I did eventually learn to live without human blood. I tend to make mistakes though."

"You taught _yourself_?" Rosalie asked. Her tone was both incredulous and offended.

"Yes, with Carlisle's help." I looked at Carlisle. His face was full of emotions I could not even begin to name. "If I hadn't seen Carlisle and Edward, I would have been utterly wild. I've seen the family as it grew, and knew each time a member was added. I even saw you as a newborn. I saw you push Edward into a tree and then he pushed you in the water." I chuckled at the memory.

"I still owe him for that one," Rosalie said darkly.

"No, you don't," Esme snapped. I wondered how long Rosalie could hold a grudge.

"He ruined my –"

"Enough. That was a long time ago, Rosalie. Let it go." Carlisle had the most bizarre way of being both gentle and commanding at the same time. He nodded at me to continue.

"Before I tried to drink from animals, a nomad couple found me and spent a few days teaching me what I was and how –"

"Wait, you didn't know what you are? How could you not know?" Rosalie now sounded curious, but still offended.

"I had no memory," I explained again. "Nothing. I had no knowledge of vampires at all. In fact, I had pretty much decided that I was a demon who got lost and couldn't find hell. I had once heard of those, at least. It wasn't until I met Charles and Makenna that I understood anything. I was so happy to know what I was, that it didn't even occur to me that being a vampire might be a bad thing."

"You didn't even..." Carlisle's voice held an odd pitch. He looked at me and grinned. "Something tells me this is going to be a very good story."

"You have no idea," said Jasper from behind me. A sweet note of humor tinted his words.

The family looked at me with bright anticipation, and I threw myself into my tale. I held nothing back, and each new adventure, each new path I spoke of brought with it sweet relief. This was my family, and I was sharing myself with them.

The family laughed and groaned at my early life. They sat in silent wonder as I told them of all that my gift showed me, and my agonized years when I thought Jasper was lost to me. They rejoiced at my return to life, and my successes at school. When I reached my final days alone, Esme leaned over to Carlisle, and he held her in a surprisingly intimate way. I took my time while describing the day I at last found Jasper, telling them of my wonder and trying to use frustratingly faulty words to describe the miracle of being found. Jasper's love filled the room as I retold our story. I was nearly overwhelmed by my emotion as I spoke of my last battle in New York and our betrayal by the covens. Three weeks later, we began to look for you."

The evening sun was shining its slanted rays through the windows as I ended. It had taken several hours to tell them of my life.

"You two are amazing," Esme said, looking at us in wonder. "You have no idea how happy I am that you found us."

"You've always been my family. How could I not look for you?"

Esme stood, and walked slowly over to us, her eyes on Jasper. She nodded to him when she stopped before me and held her hands out. I took them, and found myself drawn up into the soft stone of her hug. Jasper's hand fell from my shoulder as I pulled myself into the embrace I had waited for all my life. No words can describe the first hug your mother gives you, and for a moment, I was lost in her. Her stone arms gently held me and a sense of serene peace filled me. This was the gift of a mother, the gift of finding complete solace in an embrace.

When we pulled apart, Jasper was at my back, and Carlisle was behind Esme, both males watching the other as we shared our first mother-daughter moment. They each pulled us to them in a show of territorial masculinity. Both Esme and I huffed at the same moment.

"Your stories are amazing, and I am truly honored that you have chosen to join us. So long as you are trying to live as we do, I believe you would be a welcome addition to our family. However, we can't make a firm decision until Edward and Emmett arrive..." Carlisle began, but Esme cut him off.

"Why not?" she demanded still miffed at him.

"We can't possibly decide about adding members to the family without them here," he said very gently. He looked cautiously at his wife.

"They won't have a problem with another brother and sister, dear."

"You don't know that and – "

"Oh, yes I do!" Esme put her hands on her hips and looked at him defiantly. I loved her.

Carlisle took a breath and looked at his wife. "I, too, believe they will happily welcome Alice and Jasper, but we need to let them have a say in it." His voice was firm and final. He turned to us with a warm smile. "In the meantime, please accept our hospitality. What's ours is yours in every way."

"Would you two like to see the house?" Rosalie's voice startled me. She still looked annoyed, but it was an excited annoyed. "Esme did a great job on it, though _she_ doesn't like it." She rolled her perfect eyes.

Esme's face twisted into a look of pained pride. "It was an experiment in the Prairie School of architecture. It looked so much better on paper."

"We would be honored, ma'am," Jasper said gallantly. He was such a gentleman. He didn't like her self-deprecating look any more than I did.

Esme smiled, still proud to show us her home, and began walking us through the rooms. She stopped to comment on items of both art and oddity that she had chosen as decorations. Her choices were often remarkably sentimental. The mix of modern minimalism and ornate antiquity created an odd charm.

However, Esme lacked the refined sense of color that I had learned in college. Her choices were light and almost uniformly neutral. The place needed some bold points of color. I began to make a mental list of what areas needed perking up.

After a tour of the six rooms on the main floor, including an incredible library that made Jasper gasp and a music room that also strangely held his attention, we went up the wide stairs to the second floor.

The second story boasted a living area filled with games and a television and three spacious bedrooms. Jasper headed immediately for the television before I pulled him back.

We entered Rosalie's flamboyant bedroom first. It was done in a mixed baroque style that defied explanation. She used ornately carved and gilded pieces of furniture that were covered with a myriad of nicknacks. She seemed to collect a vast array of lovely, but mismatched items that crowded the room and made it swim in a garish array of colors.

The poor girl needed me more than I realized.

"The humans thought we were insane, but Esme _finally_ listened to me and gave each room its own bath," boasted Rosalie. "After hunting and romping through the woods with Emmett, we definitely need our own."

Jasper grimaced and I smiled nervously. If Rosalie knew how much I had seen of her romping, I don't think she would have welcomed me into their room. In fact, I'm fairly sure she would have tried to kill me.

Next, she showed us Esme and Carlisle's room. This one was done in modern craftsman style furnishings with the clean lines I had noted downstairs. Again, the pallet was almost completely neutral, but it worked well against the straight forward simplicity of the furniture.

Finally she led us to a room without a bed. The first thing I noticed was the beautiful sunset that the massive windows framed. The western wall was almost completely made of picture windows that could slide open horizontally. As the house was on a small rise, it overlooked a valley through which a small stream bubbled. The effect was stunning. More importantly, the room was filled with the sofa, shelves, and dresser that we would remove after dark.

"This is_ it_," I sighed, as I looked around at the items in the room. This room was decorated with deeper colors than the others, all very masculine. Burgundy, dark brown, and ochre mixed with light wood here.

"What's it, dear?" Esme was behind me, looking confused. I had no idea how, but moving this room's furnishings had a great deal to do with us staying here. That future, of us standing around the furniture in the morning sun, replayed in my mind again. How on earth was I supposed to convince them that we needed to empty this room?

"I saw this room in my visions," I said, trying to find a way to tell her the impossible.

"You saw _Edward's_ room? Why? It's so ugly." Rosalie looked as befuddled as I felt.

I couldn't fathom why I needed to move Edward's furniture. Why couldn't my stupid visions come with instructions?

"I like the room," said Jasper simply. "It has a nice view."

"Edward is a bachelor," Esme explained, "and I wanted him to have easy access to the forest. He gets… overwhelmed sometimes being around two mated pairs."

Oh.

"Your house is simply breathtaking, Esme, and especially this room. You did a lovely job with it," I complimented her. "The windows are perfect, and the valley is astounding from this perspective. I think it is a wonderful room."

"Thank you dear," Esme beamed.

Rosalie's face went from quizzical to inspired. "This could be their room," she said with an intensely wicked smile. "It would be perfect for them!"

"Rosalie, don't start with Ed –"

"I'm not being mean to Edward, I'm being practical. They need a room, and since there are two of them, it shouldn't be a small one. Besides, all Edward does is listen to his music here, and he can do that anywhere."

"Where would he go, then? I'm not going to kick Edward out of his room."

"We don't want to be a bother," added Jasper. He was looking intently at Rosalie and had a slightly panicked tone to his voice, but I wasn't sure why. "We aren't even sure that everyone will agree to let us stay, so there is no need to cause trouble."

"It's no trouble, _believe_ me," said Rosalie with more emotion than was necessary. "Edward can stay in the garage until we build an addition. It has electricity so he can play his music as loudly as he wants, and he_ can't_ complain about all the loud banging out there. Besides, it will only take a few days to add on another room for him. It is meant to be; Alice _saw_ it." She looked like the cat that had caught the mouse.

I knew this was all a part of her spite and their hateful relationship, but for the moment, I couldn't care less. Rosalie was my favorite person on earth right then.

"I really do love this room," I smiled at Esme. "This room has everything I ever wanted. It's just perfect for us -- almost like you made it with us in mind. If Edward wouldn't be too angry, we would love to have it. We can move the furniture ourselves."

Esme looked unsure of the plan, but I could tell she was wavering. She hated saying no to anyone.

"I know Carlisle won't like it, but you said yourself that the boys would welcome them," said Rosalie with determination.

"If it makes them angry, we could move it right back," I persisted. Jasper's hand constricted around mine in a warning I chose to ignore. "I know it's a lot to ask, but please Esme, this room is just so perfect, and I have waited so long to be here." I was in full whine mode. Jasper's hand moved up and encircled my arm and squeezed. I shot him an annoyed look and he glared at me.

"He doesn't spend much time here anyway. What can he do here that he can't do in the garage?" Rosalie shot me a bright smile. We were now sisters in a bizarre conspiracy.

"Well, I was planning to give you the office, but it does make sense to give you two the larger room. If you really do love it so much, I guess we could empty the room and get it cleaned out and ready. That way we can paint it before ordering furniture for it." Esme seemed resolved, but not happy. I hated pushing her like that, but our future depended, for some unbelievable reason, on getting this furniture out the door.

"I'm not sure that this," Jasper began, but Rosalie quickly cut him off.

"It will be perfect. Trust me." She shot him a breathtaking smile, and gleefully grabbed two cubist paintings from the wall before skipping from the room.

"Rosalie, be careful with those." Esme shot me an apologetic smile before darting after her daughter.

"What are you doing?" Jasper hissed when she was gone.

"I don't really know, but we need to have this furniture in the garage or things will go badly."

"You can't be serious." He crossed his arms and glared at me.

I jumped up and kissed him on his nose. "I'm completely serious. If we don't move Edward's furniture out, there will be a fight."

He was instantly angry. "There will be a _fight? _You forgot to mention a_ fight." _

"It will only happen if we don't get this stuff all moved by ten in the morning. Relax my love, this is going just as it should," I smiled at him and hugged his stiff body.

"_This_ is how it is supposed to go? We are _supposed_ to enrage the eldest son of a loafer wearing coven leader?" His words dripped of sarcasm. I smiled brightly and handed him a side table. He stood there with his eyes closed, breathing deeply for just a moment before trudging down the stairs.

We deposited our loads outside of the garage while Rosalie and Carlisle busied themselves with emptying the large building. Esme was already hanging the two pictures. From the look of the wet floor, she'd already begun cleaning.

"You're sure about this, Alice?" Carlisle asked after moving a car. He was still calm, but looked strangely harried.

"Oh, yes," I said with a bright smile. "This is exactly what I foresaw. This and shopping. Don't worry, we will have Carlisle in proper shoes in no time."

"You knew Rousseau?" Jasper asked incredulously. His tone pulled me from a nice vision of Esme and I shopping for furniture.

We stood in our new room, now empty of everything except our luggage. Esme and I had been talking color schemes while Jasper and Carlisle stood a tense, but bored, guard nearby. Carlisle's surprising announcement came after Esme asked his opinion of the choices we had come up with. He tried wiggling his way out of offering an opinion by commenting that he was like his "old friend, Rousseau" and preferred a white room, a _tabula rassa_.

"Certainly. The continent of Europe was alive with new ideas and thoughts at the time, and I immersed myself in learning there. I met Kant, as well, and was present at Voltaire's death. Those were wonderful times," Carlisle smiled at some memory before looking at Jasper. "I'm surprised you know about them."

"My father was a lawyer and my grandfather was a clergyman. I believe I heard of them during my youth."

Carlisle looked at him. "It is a difficult thing to have religious training like that and become one of us."

"Yes, sir, it is," Jasper agreed.

"I was the son of an Anglican clergyman, born in the early seventeenth century, at a time when humans saw the world more clearly and believed in such things as vampires. Unfortunately, it was also a time of deep religious fervor and fanaticism. My father was a stern man, one of the fanatics, and I was raised under his rigorous ideals. Becoming a vampire was _not _a part of those ideals." He chuckled at the obvious irony.

Esme returned to her husband's side and handed me the sample colors we had created using her pastel pencils.

"I think we should let you two get settled in until Edward and Emmett return," she said with a wink. "You said around ten?"

I nodded and looked to that certain future. Edward would drive up the lane with the top down and an acutely pained look to his face while Emmett bellowed out some song. "I can't wait to figure out the song that Emmett is singing," I giggled. "Whatever it is, it's driving Edward nuts."

Carlisle and Esme just looked at me.

Carlisle shook his head in wonder again. "That is going to take some getting used to."

"But it's a wonderful thing to have around," Esme said with a smile. "Just so you know, Emmett makes a habit of driving Edward nuts. It's a hobby of his. We'll see you in the morning," and with that, they turned from the room and left.

I looked out the window and saw that the sun was just now beginning to lighten the mist around the house. Rosalie was downstairs playing the piano absently while she waited for the morning and her mate's return.

It had only taken a few minutes to empty Edward's room, but it took most of the night to get the garage ready for his return. Esme didn't want to make him too mad, so the whole place was scrubbed and painted and then furnished just as his room had been. Rosalie was now happily awaiting their arrival.

I turned back to Jasper. He stood alone in the room, his arms crossed and eyes down. He looked lost. I went to him and wrapped myself around him. His arms encircled me but didn't pull me tightly in.

"Tell me what you're thinking, Jasper. Give me your feelings, my love."

He stood, stiff and unyielding for a moment, then, with a small sigh, his own emotions poured through me. Uncertainty, frustration, anger. No, not just anger, fearful fury. Jasper was a pot of boiling emotions that roiled violently within him. He was in so much pain, and he had hidden it from me.

My silent chest ached for him.

"I'm powerfully angry," he finally said. That much was clear.

"I know. Come outside with me?" I asked, hoping that putting some distance between the house and us might let him relax. My mate was hurting, and I needed to ease it in any way possible.

"Yes," he seemed pleased with the suggestion.

We slid the silent window open and jumped into the gossamer mist. I had only one vision as my feet landed in the grass below; we were driving away from this home in the weak light of dawn. My dead heart froze, and I wondered if I had somehow lost my family.

* * *

The second half is coming. Edward and Emmett arrive and the fun begins in earnest. So, Jasper isn't happy at all, and feels very uncertain. How do we get him to relax and enjoy the Cullens? Which one will be the first to make him feel welcome and safe?

Here are some recs for you to peruse (thanks to Marliarna for these)

"The Mirrors" and "Tips for Better Living" by adorablecullens (both rated M)

"200 Years of Solitude" by philadelphic (I highly recommend it, but **serious** tissue alert!)

"Plus One" by chels926 (Rated T)

I've had several of you ask about Alice and Jasper fics, so here are some of those. Most show variations of the meeting with the Cullens:

Hunt the Squirrel by Xaipre – hilarious

Law of Gravity and Fear of Fire by Chicory

Immortal Emancipation by Emile Fauve

Becoming a Cullen, by KelliNew

Beginnings by Cactus452


	17. Chapter 17: CoFreaks

Hello everyone! Here is the second half of the famous meeting between Alice and Jasper and the Cullens. I have tried very hard to make this meeting my own. Any resemblance to other stories is purely based on the fact that we are all writing about the same event.

A huge shout out to my lovely betas who did double duty this time by getting two chapters ready to go in one week. These women are wonderful and remarkably talented and give their time and energy to this story. Thank you Vanessa James, Remylebeauishot, and Mistral123!

* * *

The woods around the house were thick with the scents of the family, and we quickly found a good path through the trees. We followed it down the valley for two miles until we came to a place where the stream pooled. Jasper found an old tree that had fallen, and he threw himself down on the mossy trunk. I tried to ignore the anger and pain that rolled off of him and curled up in his lap, laying my hand on his chest to send him as much love as I could.

He took a deep breath. "I don't want to be angry, but this is all so strange. None of them _feel_ like vampires. Not even Rosalie, though it would be an improvement if she did. How on earth can these vampires possibly protect you from anything? Gardening and medical research are hardly helpful in a battle.

"I can't understand Carlisle – I can't relate to him at all. He isn't anything like the coven leaders I've known. He isn't like any vampire I've ever known, and yet he is over three centuries old. He is selfless, entirely _selfless_, but there is a fierceness to him that makes him feel fundamentally dangerous to me. I don't understand it, and I don't trust him."

"And that makes you angry?" I asked, more than a little confused.

"No. He's hiding something, they all are. That makes me angry. But what's worse, what hurts me to my bones, is that_ you_ are lying to me. That makes me _furious_." His voice and body were cold and stiff as ice.

My guilt rose in response to his fury. I hadn't lied to him, but I hadn't trusted him with the whole truth either. I needed this future for us, we both needed it, but I had tried to _force_ Jasper into it.

My mind was filled with fluctuating visions, each showing vastly different outcomes. I tried to focus, tried to find the best way to deal with this crossroad, but there were no clues in what I saw. All the futures meshed into colorful arrays of meaningless blurs.

Then, two distinct visions flashed through, and each pierced my heart like a knife. The first was of flame, distant but set in time. The second was far more painful, and it showed me with the family – alone. I could not let either one come true, but I had no idea how to stop them.

"Alice," he said, still angry, as he shook me from my vision. "Alice, I don't need you to see the future. I need you to tell me the truth of the present."

"But don't you see? Our future hinges on this present," I said in a voice filled with desperate fear. I had hurt him. I couldn't save him if he wouldn't stay, but I had hurt him so badly that I may have driven him away.

I tried again to see the future, but the only thing that came was a memory from my past. The memory of Marty's diner returned to me, and for just a moment I was reliving a small miracle. I remembered Joe and his frighteningly disfigured face. I remembered Lizzy who loved him in spite of it. Then I clearly saw the way Lizzy twisted her face into a horrid grimace so that she could kiss Joe's destroyed mouth. I had seen the miracle of true love that day. I hadn't given Jasper that love yet, and it was time.

My mate deserved a love like that.

I couldn't change the world, and the future wasn't mine to control, and I needed to stop trying to do just that. This time, my visions couldn't help me. So I went with what my heart told me, and I decided to trust my mate.

"I didn't lie, Jasper, I just didn't tell you everything. You deserve better than that, and I should have trusted you. I am so _very_ sorry." Hearing the anger and coldness in his voice was acutely painful. He had been in agony because of my doubt, and I had no right to cause him that pain.

I sat up and looked at the emerald mist that surrounded us. Its color was soothing but did nothing to ease the wretched feeling in my gut. "Edward is gifted. I'm not entirely sure of the extent, but I believe it is as powerful as mine." There was a long moment of thick silence. The future flipped back and forth.

"What is his gift?" he asked in a strangled voice.

I tried to think of a good way to tell him. I tried to come up with something that wouldn't sound threatening, but no matter what I came up with, I knew he would perceive it as a threat, so I said as nonchalantly as I could, "He reads minds."

I looked timidly up at my mate. He was glaring at me.

"Oh, is that all?" he replied, using my tone of voice to mock me. "So that's what you've been hiding from me," he seethed. "You decided not to tell me until we got here that one of them has a dangerous gift? Do you know what a gift like that makes Edward capable of? Do you know how quickly he would destroy us? I can't believe you hid this from me!

"And they are hiding it to, aren't they? I knew we couldn't trust the old one." He laughed bitterly. "He told us a coven is built on_ trust and understanding_." Jasper's voice was ragged with his rage. "And you fell for it. Can Edward see your visions? Can he feel my gift? Alice, don't you see how dangerous he is?"

"He's not dangerous, Jasper. He doesn't even rule the coven. With a gift like that, he could build his own army, but he chooses to live with a family instead." My argument was a good one, but not good enough for Jasper.

"You can't know that! You can't trust that coven, Alice. Carlisle already lied to us. What makes you think we can trust any of them?"

"Look at how they live, Jasper," I said desperately. "Look at them. They aren't trying to rule a city or build an army. They just want to build good lives for themselves, and they are willing to let us become a part of their lives."

"How do you know that they are willing to do that? How do you know Carlisle won't turn on us?"

"He trusted us enough to let us into his home," I said miserably. As terrible as it made me feel, Jasper had a right to his anger.

"Which was an utterly stupid thing for a coven leader to do," he snapped. "No coven allows others in without challenging them first. They didn't even want the gifts. Where were the promises of fealty, the tests of loyalty? How is this coven supposed to protect us?"

"You said Carlisle had a strange fierceness to him, a dangerous side that you didn't understand. Maybe that fierceness is _love_ for his family. Maybe he is driven to protect in a way that you haven't ever felt before. Maybe he is as protective of Edward as you are of me." The future became a blur of uncertainty.

Jasper became very still behind me. "Love isn't enough. If the coven were to be attacked, love wouldn't save them."

"Love saved you," I whispered. "And your love saved me. And they can save us." He didn't move, but I felt his anger fade just a bit. "If we leave, we will be attacked. I have seen it over and over, and that is the _truth_. We need them, and maybe they need us, too. There are already three males and two females, and with us it makes seven. That's a large coven and would make a strong army. What if you taught them how to fight? What if you taught them how to protect themselves?"

"It's mighty hard to fight in loafers."

"That really bothers you, doesn't it?"

"You have no idea," he chuckled darkly.

I turned to face him, determined to love him in exactly the way I'd seen Lizzy love her broken husband. If it came down to a choice, he had to know I'd choose him. The family I longed for no longer mattered; I was willing to twist myself to meet the needs of my mate. I pushed against the feeling of loss that welled up within me. "We can leave," I said truthfully. "I promised you that I wouldn't stay if you wanted us to go, and I meant it. If you need to leave, I will go with you. I will _always_ choose you over anything else. Forever."

"You would truly give all this up for me, Beloved?"

I closed my eyes and relished the word. It had been weeks since he had called me that. I put my hands on the sides of his face and looked into his eyes, sending every ounce of myself into him.

"In all the world there is only you Jasper Whitlock. I want to be with this family, but none of them are worth losing you. If you say so, we will leave and never come back. You are enough for me -- you always have been."

I felt the shift then. Something in those words, something in my decision, changed the future and brought him peace.

He kissed me lightly on the lips and then pulled away. "You would do that for me? You would give them up?" he asked again.

"Yes."

"If I say that the place is dangerous, we can leave and you won't try to stop me?"

I could feel his hope build, and I tried not to let my disappointment show. He truly hated it here.

"We can go to the car now and drive off, if you want." I swallowed the lump forming in my throat as the future settled on us driving back over a mountain range. I would accept this. I would give it all up for Jasper. Then, just as I was sure that my family was lost to me, I saw us standing with the furniture again.

"I don't need you to leave these odd vampires, Alice. What I need is your promise not to lie to me again. You have no idea how painful it is to feel deception from others. It is unendurable coming from you."

"I'm so sorry Jasper." I leaned into his chest and he pulled me into his lap. "I know you find it hard to believe, but our only chance at a good future is with these frustrating, loafer wearing vampires. All other futures lead to battles and flames. I don't know why, but in order for you to be safe, we have to be here."

"I need you to tell me everything. No more lies and no more half-truths. Tell me everything." He kissed my head, and sent me his love. I soaked it up as parched ground pulls in rain.

"There are two futures for us. While we were looking for the family, I only focused on our future with them, but the other has always been there. If we stay with the family, we live and join them while they hunt, play, and shop. We even take them to the cabin in New Hampshire," I added with a smile. "If we take the other path, and it is still blurry, we travel for a while but end up in fights. One of the fights, at least, ends in flame. I don't know who burns." I shuddered at the possibility.

"But there is no danger here? Not even from Edward?"

"Edward isn't a danger to us. I don't really know the extent of Edward's gift, but I believe it is powerful. I know he reads minds, but I don't know how, or what his limits are."

"Well, at least Carlisle did that right. A _good_ leader doesn't give away their tactical advantage right away like some vampires I know," he said as he twisted me in his lap to glare it me. I just smiled.

"It wasn't that bad. I think the whole thing has gone really well so far," I said honestly.

"We terrified that coven. You do know that don't you?"

"I thought they handled their fear of you well," I said. "They never even tried to attack."

"They were afraid of me, but they were terrified of you. For the first time in my life, I wasn't the scary one in the room. It was rather fun to feel the emotions behind their faces."

"They were terrified of me?" I asked in wonder. That was a first. "That makes me kind of happy. I don't ever get to frighten our kind." I turned to him and smiled. I terrified them!

His anger subsided. "I'm not sure that having a coven be more afraid of you than me is a good thing. They don't seem to be good judges of character."

"They are wonderful judges of character. They listened to you rather than attacking you. Besides, they let us have the room, and at least we got the furniture moved."

"What is it with the furniture? What on God's green earth made you agree to move furniture out of a house that we may not be welcome in?"

"I dunno. It's what the visions showed. If the furniture was moved outside, things went well -- if it wasn't, you got into a fight with the boys."

"You didn't mention the fight with the boys," he said dryly.

"Once we got the furniture outside, it became a lot less likely."

He took a too deep breath behind me, the kind he took when he was trying not to get frustrated with me. It usually didn't work.

"Just so we're clear, you don't see any more fighting now, right?"

"Um, well, no real battles. There may be some issues with Rosalie."

"No kidding._ I_ could have foreseen that."

"She has an interesting personality," I said, trying to be kind to my new sister and change the topic at the same time.

"You don't know the half of it," he said with a sigh.

"Bad?"

"It's the emotional equivalent of metal on a chalkboard, only worse. I am curious about her mate. I don't know whether to fear him, praise him or offer my condolences."

I laughed. "Emmett and Rosalie love each other very much. It is a rather physical and loud kind of love."

"I did catch that in her moods," he sniggered.

"So, we can go back?"

"No more lies?"

"I promise," I said with conviction. "But you need to promise me the same thing. Please don't hide your feelings from me, Jasper."

"I want you to be happy. My feelings aren't important compared to that."

"I _can't_ be happy if you are hurting. Don't you understand that?"

He looked at me for a moment. "All I need for my happiness is you," he said quietly. "If we stay here, you will be safe and we can be together?"

"Yes, it's perfectly safe, and we will always be together," I sighed with a roll of my eyes. How could he think differently?

"And Eddie the Cheatin' Vampire isn't a threat?"

A very clear vision showed Edward punching Jasper.

"Don't you _dare_ call him that!" I yelled in sudden desperation.

Jasper's grin was mischievous. "I just intend to see if he really can read minds," he said cheerfully.

We'd decided to simply keep quiet about our knowledge of Edward's gift. Jasper didn't want to enrage the coven, and I didn't want to rock a boat on already choppy seas. I think Jasper intended to use this as a test of the coven, or more specifically, Carlisle. I made Jasper promise me not to call Edward anything unkind when they came, but I was fairly sure he wasn't going to be nice. Our future was more set, but it still depended on Edward. I truly hoped he wasn't the obnoxious pig that Rosalie said he was.

We returned to the room and changed for the day. I chose a lovely crepe shirt-dress in a cantaloupe print to meet my brothers in. It is hard to be angry with someone wearing bright crepe, and I wasn't taking any chances today. I had been excited yesterday, but today I was just plain nervous.

"You're going to do it again, aren't you?" Jasper asked in frustration when I tried to take a comb to his hair.

"Do what?"

"Jump on them. I can feel it."

"Jasper, I am not going to jump on two young male vampires. I do know better than that. And _you _had better not grab my dress again," I said with a warning look.

He just raised his eyebrow and crossed his arms. For a moment I was utterly distracted by how beautiful he looked in the morning light, and I kissed him hard. Feeling him against me did wonderful things to my body. His hands slid around me in the most delicious way before I realized what was happening.

"Not fair," I hissed through my kiss.

"Just claiming my territory," he grinned. "It's been too long."

"We'll have a bed by tomorrow," I suggested with a smile.

"I am willing to _meet_ a mind reader," he said. "I am _not_ willing to love you within ten miles of him. There's something fundamentally wrong with that."

"It doesn't bother the others," I reminded him.

"I'm not the others." Jasper grinned as a hot flash of physical need roared through me. I gasped and kissed him again before smacking his chest for doing that to me.

"Point taken, now stop it before I get flustered," I mumbled.

"Too late," he smirked.

"It's almost time," called Rosalie from downstairs. I squealed in excitement and clapped my hands. Jasper's face turned serious as we ran down the stairs. He was being a grump again, but I refused to let that bother me. I tried to focus on my joy and ignore the nervousness that was eating away at me. My family was becoming complete today, and I wanted to be happy.

Esme and Carlisle were hanging out laundry. Actually, Carlisle was standing there reading a paper and holding out clothes pins for Esme.

Both of their faces brightened when we walked into the yard. Esme walked over, flanked by Carlisle, and gave me a small hug. The comfort that small act gave me was still astounding. I would have never guessed that the arms of a mother could offer so much.

I wanted to do the same with Carlisle, to wrap my arms around him and hold him tightly, as a daughter holds onto her father. I wanted to know what his arms would feel like around me, but I was sure that would send Jasper over some testosterone-driven ledge.

"You look lovely today," Esme said as she returned to her mate's side. "Did you have a pleasant morning?"

"We did some exploring," said Jasper tactfully.

"The forest here is thick and sparsely inhabited by humans. It is also well supplied with animals for us," said Carlisle. "The best hunting is around Mount Saint Helen's. There is a good stock of carnivores between there and Mount Hood."

The sun was burning off the morning haze, and the pale shadows were quickly shrinking to the length I had seen in my visions. I realized now that I really was at a loss about Edward's gift. I didn't even know if Emmett had one. I knew Edward could read minds, and I knew he did so easily, but I didn't know the distance required or if he actually heard words or got images. I would need to start sending him messages soon if this was to go well.

"… but the best place is with our sister coven in Denali," Rosalie was saying. "Even the herbivores in Alaska are tasty."

"Sister coven?" Jasper asked.

"A family of five that lives in a rustic cabin in Alaska," Esme answered. "They eat as we do, though for _very_ different reasons." Rosalie rolled her eyes and snorted.

"Alice took me to Canada, and we had Polar bear. It was… interesting."

"How long have you tried our diet, Jasper?" Carlisle's voice was gentle, almost overly so. He still feared my mate.

"It's been two years."

"The members of the Denali coven all fed from humans before switching to animals," Carlisle said thoughtfully. "They all said that after eating from humans for so many years that it took a very long time to make the switch."

"It has indeed been difficult," Jasper said with a guarded look to me. "So, all of your… family has refrained from humans?"

"Only Carlisle and I," answered Rosalie with a look of pride. "Esme made a few mistakes, Emmett has made _lots_ of mistakes, and Edward went off the wagon for three years, playing God and killing anyone he thought deserved death."

"Perhaps we shouldn't discuss Edward's past without him here," suggested Carlisle. Esme shot her daughter another glare. I could tell they were trying to hide Edward's gift and his dark past from us. However, to be fair, Rosalie was painting a very bad picture of Edward.

I listened part way as Esme explained a little of their backgrounds to Jasper. She was cautiously relaying some of their pasts, and as much as I wanted to listen, I kept getting distracted by the shadows as they slowly crawled to the proper place on the ground. With each infinitesimal shift, my mind flew in every conceivable direction and my nervous excitement grew. I tried to see the immediate future and the distant future as well, but the only sure thing was that very soon, a dusty car would come bumping up the road carrying two vampires.

Suddenly, I realized that Carlisle had a look of concentration on his face, and that he was probably trying to contact Edward.

I began to shout out to my unknown brother.

_**Edward! Can you hear me?**__**EDWARD!**_

_Oh, you can't send messages, can you? Well, then. Um, __**TESTING, TESTING!**__ Edward, __**CAN YOU HEAR ME!**__ I don't know if you can hear me yet, but Carlisle looks like he is trying to talk to you. I need to tell you something important!_

_Don't listen to Jasper. __**Please**__ don't listen to him. He's only trying to protect us and he fears your gift. And I think he wants to annoy you. I know he might be saying some rather mean things right now, but just ignore him. We need to be here. We need the family, and you need us. It all depends on you now. Please don't send us away. It all depends on you._

"… hope Alice didn't see all our first mistakes," Esme said, calling me from my mental chanting.

I smiled at her and shook my head. "I only saw the family at odd times."

"Good," she said with a happy smile before turning her attention back to Jasper. "Well, I have tried to be as good as Carlisle, but it was very hard for me because my sense of smell is so strong and…"

The sun was almost in its spot.

_I don't know what Carlisle is telling you, but I know he fears Jasper. He has nothing to fear. We won't hurt any of you. We can help, truly we can. Jasper's ability at fighting and mine at foreseeing can make the family safer. Jasper needs Carlisle, and you need Jasper. We need each other. _

_Can you see my visions? If you can, when you get here, give me a sign -- but not a sign that Jasper can see. Oh, and if Jasper is calling you Eddie, ignore him. He's just mad. And I didn't tell him you cheat. Actually, I did, but only to hide your gift because he hates your gift. Of course you probably know that by now. So hopefully you also know that he is just trying to protect me because that is the kind of man he is._

_Can you hear me yet? I wish you could project your thoughts as well, that would be very handy. I'm so excited! Can you see this?_

I began to let my visions replay in my mind as my apprehension grew. I really had no idea what Edward's gift meant for us.

_Weren't those nice? See? We fit right in._

_Oh, I forgot. I'm Alice by the way. I'll tell you again when I know you're near, but in the meantime, I'll tell you a little about me. Maybe I should show you. Oh, wait, I don't know if you can __actually __**see**__ anything. Well, if you can, here is my life in a nutshell._

I sent out my memories in a quick stream, reliving my life again. I tried to focus on the good parts for him, no need to overwhelm him. I dwelt a little too long on Jasper, though, and accidentally sent a few very private memories.

_Oops, sorry about that. Though I bet you're used to it. How do you do it with Rosalie around? That has to be annoying. Is it weird knowing what your parents do at night? Never mind, I really don't want to know that. _

_Can you hear me thinking to myself while I talk to you? That would get very confusing. It's really confusing for me, so I can't imagine being you right now. I know I'm babbling, but that's just what I do. Besides, I've known about it for sixteen years, and I'm __**really**__ curious. What is it like for you? Can you turn it off? Believe me, I wish I could turn off my visions sometimes. _

My vision of the car flashed through again, and in the far distance I could hear the faint crackle of tires on gravel.

_**YOUR HERE!** I'm so excited! Can you tell that too? I wonder if your gift is like Jasper's. Can you tell what emotions I am feeing? _

_Oh, yeah. I'm not supposed to tell you about his gift, but you'll know about it soon enough. Oh, this is so exciting. What is Emmett singing? It sounds dirty._

_Okay, I'll just recap everything I've said. _

_Maybe not everything._

"Alice?" Jasper was beside me looking at me with an accusative glare.

"They're coming," I said with a smile. The sound of tires was now plain to the others as well.

_Okay, from the beginning. Testing, testing. One two three four. Testing. I really wish I had paid more attention to how this works. Testing, testing. I feel like a disk jockey._

I felt myself giggle, and smiled back the questioning looks of the others before submersing myself in my mind again.

_Heeellloooo. I'm Alice, and this is Jasper. Sorry about your furniture, but it was absolutely necessary, though I don't know why. That's just how my visions work. Oh, wait, you may not have heard that part. So, from the beginning..._ I sent him my life again, only without the reference to Mai-Li's scroll.

_As you can tell, I've waited a long time to meet you. I'm like you, a major freak in an already freakish world. We could be co-freaks. It would be so much fun, and Jasper will love it in time._

_I'm just thrilled that you two are finally here. _

_Speaking of Jasper, just ignore him. I apologize in advance for anything he might try to do or say. Oh, and don't trust your feelings. He's bad about that._

_I really wish I knew if you were getting this. It's so annoying not knowing. I have a hard time with not knowing things, but you probably realized that by now, if you're getting any of this. I really wish I knew how this worked._

_So, um, Jasper thinks you are a danger to us, which you're not. I hope. I really need this meeting to go well, and I know that Carlisle, and maybe Esme, are already talking to you as well. They are wonderful, and I've waited for years to call them my parents. I just love them so much. I bet everyone here is talking to you now, because everyone just got __**really**__ quiet. _

_Doesn't that get confusing? Do you ever get headaches?_

_Sorry about Rosalie, she's probably gloating. She gloats well. But it really was necessary. For some reason, I just had to move into your room. Don't ask me why, because I don't get it either._

The convertible came into view and flashed behind the trees at the end of the lane. The ragtop was down.

_Can you hear me? Edward? **I can see you. **Wow. You're hair is a terrible mess – I have some stuff that can fix that. You really look annoyed. Maybe even mad. Yeah, you look really mad. Oh, the furniture. Right. I'm sorry. I had to do it. We made the garage all nice for you, though. What is that song that Emmett was singing? I'm dying to know._

_Emmett looks mad too, doesn't he? He shouldn't be, it was Rosalie's idea after all. He's looking hard at Jasper, please let him know it's okay. Yes, I know he looks frightening, but Jasper won't hurt you. He really is a kind person, regardless of what he may be calling you right now._

_I truly am sorry for calling you a cheater, but you kinda are._

_Please give me a sign. Anything? I love this family, and I want to stay, and it all depends on you, and Emmett, of course, but mostly you. _

_Edward? Heelloooo, Edward? Oh, come on, give me something!_

Jasper moved to stand directly behind me and put his hands on my shoulders. He was tense, and I could tell that the least altercation would cause a fight right now. His hands were ready to pull me behind him and defend me. How I wish he understood what I did, that there was nothing to defend me from.

I looked harder at my brothers. Emmett looked positively fierce. Edward looked angry, and rather put out. Perhaps it was the situation, he was, after all, literally put out of his home, but that offended look seemed to be normal him. Rosalie was perpetually miffed, and Edward was perpetually bored and stuck up.

_Oops. You heard that, didn't you? Sorry, but it's the honest truth. Maybe if you smiled more it would help._

_Did you hear that? You are good at not giving away any clues, but I really need the clues right now. _

_Testing. Testing. Roll your eyes or something. _

_Maybe I need to be louder. __**CAN YOU HEAR ME? IF YOU CAN, GIVE ME A SIGN. I'M GETTING A LITTLE WORRIED HERE. THIS IS REALLY IMPORTANT. **__Do brain waves have volume like sound waves? I never even thought of that. _

They slowed the car down, both glaring at us. Emmett's lips were curled up into a snarl and his eyes were set on Jasper. It was a normal reaction, and one I was prepared for. However, even though I could see anger on Edward's face, he wasn't overt hostile. I couldn't even name the emotion playing on his face. Anger and frustration were clearly etched in his perfect features, but there was perhaps a hint of humor there as well. He touched Emmett on the shoulder, saying something quietly, before jumping out of the car and slowly approaching us. He still gave me no sign that he was receiving messages.

_Whoa, he's big. I should have warned Jasper better about him. He looks really mean, but when I've seen him, he's always laughing. Esme said he likes to bother you, but I can't believe he holds a candle to Rosalie. Between the two of them, they must drive you crazy. I could help with that, you know. I could warn you. _

Emmett was much larger than in my visions, and I felt Jasper tense when he saw him. Edward was taller, and a bit leaner than I had seen, but he looked as he should, young and handsome and haughty, and I smiled broadly at him. He ignored me and shot a baleful glare at Rosalie, though that may have been their normal greeting.

Emmett strode over to his mate, never taking his eyes off of Jasper, and drew her to him. Rosalie slid easily into his arms, and they kissed. Emmett's body blocked Rosalie completely, and when they were finished, he shot his parents a sharp look before moving into a position beside Esme.

"Be nice," said Esme by way of a greeting. "Edward and Emmett, we have some wonderful news. This is Alice and Jasper, a pair of nomads who accept our way of life. They have come to live with us."

_We can move the furniture back. We can live in the garage if you want, but your room is really nice, and I do love the view. So do you see images as well?_ I focused on the future, sending a quick glimpse of Esme and I shopping. _See, isn't that nice? We belong here with you. Well, not just you, but the family. So, please, can we stay? Please?_

"Is that why Edward's stuff is in the garage?" asked Emmett. He was still staring at Jasper, but I'm sure I heard humor in his tone.

"I thought it was a good idea to give them his room," said Rosalie with a cheerful smile. "He didn't need all that space anyway," she gloated as she stood by her mate and beamed. "Besides, need to be kind to our new sister and brother." She added with a hateful look at Edward. Only she could make hate look that good.

_Like I told you it was all her idea. It really was her, not me. I just ran with it. This has something to do with you shoving her into a pool of water in 1933. And you have to admit, that one was your fault. _

"Nothing has been decided yet," broke in Carlisle. "Your mother was hoping to let them have your room, Edward, which is why the furniture is in the garage. We would build you a new one, of course." He looked a little nervous. "I know this is a rather odd thing to come home to –"

"_Odd_ doesn't begin to cover it," snapped Edward. He stood ramrod straight, staring into the garage stuffed full of his things with his hands on his head, gripping his hair. "Bizarre, astounding, and mystifying don't even cover this. This is nothing sort of _freakish_."

_**YOU HEARD ME!**_ I was so excited I could have kissed him. _Oops. Not really though, because __that would make Jasper crazy. It was just an expression. I'm a happily mated woman. _

He whirled on us his lips set in a thin line, and I heard the faintest growl come from Jasper.

_He didn't mean it, he's just nervous. Jasper has only known pain and betrayal. He doesn't understand about the family, but he can learn to trust. Please, Edward, please. Help me make this work._

"So, these two and Rosalie got you to agree to empty Ed's room?" Emmett asked his parents with a chuckle. "That's impressive," he said with a nod to us. Then he scooped up Rosalie into a huge hug. "Nice job, baby doll. This day is turning out to be a lot more fun than I thought."

"Oh, it will only get better, right Alice?" she said with a wink. Even I could feel her smug joy.

"What's with him?" Emmett jutted his chin in Jasper's direction.

"Jasper was a soldier, son. He has seen almost eighty years worth of battles in the southern coven wars," Carlisle was trying to calm the conflict before it started.

"Soldier, huh? Bet you know some good moves."

"I am fundamentally lethal," answered Jasper with no emotion. I could feel him behind me trying to calm things.

"Really?" Emmett looked pleased with that.

_Don't let Emmett try anything. Jasper isn't kidding about the lethal part. Look to our future, Edward. Look and see, this is meant to be. _I let the visions pour into my mind. Shopping, laughter and music filled my mind. So did the vision of Edward punching Jasper.

_Ignore that one. That probably won't happen anyway. Jasper is just trying to tease you, but you are a better man than that. Right?_

I replayed the happy visions of Esme, Rosalie and I.

_See, doesn't it look nice? I have been looking forward to this for so long, you really don't want to ruin it for me, do you? Esme is so happy, and Rosalie actually likes me. Don't you want to make them happy too? Wait. let me rephrase that. Don't you want to make your mother happy? She is such a wonderful person, and I would hate to disappoint her._

_Does whining carry the same tone in your head as it does in your ear? Just wondering._

Edward rubbed his eyes and left them closed for a moment. "We need to talk," he said before looking meaningfully at his father.

"We don't need to talk, Edward. Esme and I love them and want them to stay," said Rosalie.

"If my girl likes them, they're good by me," agreed Emmett. "Besides, I've always wanted to learn to fight."

"This needs to be a _family_ decision," Carlisle said in that firm tone he used with Rosalie, "and everyone should have a chance to speak." He meant Edward.

Carlisle turned to us and tried to change his nervous expression into a semblance of a smile. "Would you mind terribly staying out here while we go inside to talk?"

"Not at all," Jasper said calmly. His arms pulled me closer to him from behind.

Edward marched through the side door followed by his parents and siblings. Before entering, Emmett gave us a nod, Esme gave us a smile and Rosalie winked. The furniture thing was looking like a good idea after all.

"Edward wants to kill me," Jasper sniggered. I couldn't see him or move to hit him, so I opted to flip him over my back. He landed with a solid thud at my feet.

"You be nice," I hissed to him as he lay smiling up at me. Then I realized he wasn't looking back at me, but was rather looking up my dress.

"You really are a dirty old man, aren't you?"

"Yes'um., but you put me here," he said with a smirk. He jumped up and came to stand in front of me, wrapping his strong arms around me. "You really are very nervous," he said as he snuggled into me.

"I want this so much, for both of us."

He kissed my head and then kissed my lips. "The family loves you. Edward hates you and wants to kill me, but the rest of them really like you."

"Tell me you're kidding about Edward."

"I am. Mostly," he chuckled.

"Why are you is such high spirits?"

"You missed what I felt. The interplay between the members of the family was intriguing to say the least. Carlisle was worried about Edward and Emmett but more worried about making his mate angry with him. Esme was ready to attack either of them if they started anything. Rosalie was happily vengeful, Emmett was thrilled with the day's entertainment, and Edward is the most frustrated vampire I have ever felt. I have no idea how they've kept from beheading each other."

"So your happy?" I ventured cautiously.

"Amused. I can still feel them from here."

Suddenly Emmett's voice boomed out, "Cherry Coke!"

I looked to my mate. "Is that a good sign?"

Jasper shrugged. "I don't feel anything but annoyed humor. Relax, Alice."

I did, thanks to him, but it only lasted a few minutes. Our future, our very lives depended on this meeting, and I was ready to burst.

Emmett's booming laughter echoed through the house again. "A dog? She went after a little dog?"

I suddenly felt the need to defend myself.

_It really was a vicious little thing. It took out dozens of stockings and several nice skirts. Do you know how hard it was to find good clothing during the Depression? _I sent him the memory of Emily's dog. _See? It wasn't an animal, it was a demon infested mop._

_Please don't be mad, Edward. I really am fun to have around._

I was getting desperate. Jasper held me firmly and hummed a song I'd never heard, his deep bass voice vibrating through my body and soothing my mind. Edward's voice was the next to break the quiet hum of their discussion.

"That was sixteen years ago! Can't you drop anything?" he yelled.

Jasper chuckled.

_I told you, she caused all this, I just went along with it. You do need me here, you know. Emmett and Rosalie really love tormenting you, even Jasper said so._

_Please, Edward, please. We've been through so much. We need this family to survive. Please, help us stay._

Esme was the next one to yell, "Knock it off you two! Don't make me get between you! Put that down!"

"You were right, darlin', you don't want to make Esme mad," Jasper laughed.

The silence that followed was almost complete. We could easily hear the subtle murmur of their speech, but the words were too fast and too low to make out. I kept up my mantra of begging Edward for help while visions flashed through my head, each one still twisting in its place, but finally, the swirling mess began to form itself into a furniture store.

I gripped Jasper's arms as they held me.

"It's good," he said softly. "I think it's very good."

"Good for me or for you?"

"Maybe for us both. For all their anger and pithy arguing, they do love each other. The love and loyalty they feel toward each other is quite strong."

_Please Edward, please. Please Edward, please. Please Edward, please. Please Edward, please. Please Edward, please. Please Edward, please. Please Edward, please. Please Edward, please._

"Argh, will you shut up?" Edward's voice rang out.

_Sorry._

"So they aren't angry and there isn't any danger?" I asked, almost afraid to hope.

"Oh, they are still plenty angry, but I don't think they're angry at us any more. Honestly, I don't understand how they've kept all their body parts; Edward is so angry he could kill Rosalie." He seemed thrilled with the prospect.

Before I could ask him about his vacillating opinion of the Cullens, Esme was at the door, smiling broadly and beckoning us in. Jasper grabbed my hand and we walked quickly inside. The family was lined against the wall in the dining room, and everyone but Edward was smiling. Edward looked like he had a headache.

_Oh, I get those too. _

He rolled his eyes.

_Are you talking to me yet?_

"Jasper and Alice," Carlisle's warm voice called me back from Edward's face. "We have some issues yet to work out," he glanced at Edward, "but I and my coven would be honored to have you as members of our family. That is, if you still want to join us."

"We are equally honored to accept," Jasper said. He squeezed my hand, and I tried to keep my feet on the ground.

Carlisle walked over to grip Jasper in a handshake, but their fingers never met. The instant Jasper's hand left mine, my legs pushed against gravity, and I was in Carlisle's arms. He caught me, stiff and unsure at first, but then his arms encompassed me, and I was finally in the embrace of my father. If Esme brought me peace, Carlisle brought me comfort and a feeling of _place._ I was supposed to be his child; I'd known it from the moment I'd seen his hazy form. I may not have been his own creation, but I was his child, none the less.

I heard the cautious hissing around us, but I still held him, my only father. Finally, Edward's voice rang over the sounds of anger in the room. "Oh, for the love of God, it's just a hug. She is capable of far worse, believe me."

_You haven't seen anything yet, brother._

I looked up at Carlisle and smiled. He looked proud and very happy. Then I turned to my new brothers. I would have hugged them as well, but Jasper looked pained as it was. I didn't want to push him too far.

"Welcome to the family," boomed Emmett. He reached over and tousled my hair. "For such a little thing, you managed to wreak havoc on our family in a very short time. Nice job! It was getting boring around here."

I turned to face Edward, sliding back into Jasper's side at the same time. I didn't want to take any chances as I finally spoke to my fellow freak. Besides, holding Jasper seemed like a good idea right then.

_What do you think, Edward? Are you ready to share the spotlight with a sister? We could make quite a pair – me a faulty psychic, and you a stuck-up mind reader._

Edward just looked at me, an unhappy smirk on his face.

_Aren't you going to say something? No "welcome to the family?" No "it's nice to have such a talented and wonderful sister?" _

_You aren't still mad at Jasper are you? And you can't blame me for the bedroom thing. It really was helpful in getting Rosalie and Emmett on our side. Besides, you thought it was funny._

He rolled his eyes.

_Nothing? You won't say anything at all? You realize I will bug you until you talk to me, and I have a lot to say yet. I would love to go over my plans for a wardrobe change for everyone, and I have some wonderful ideas for your hair. Would you rather I talk to you, or show you in a vision?_

He closed his eyes and sighed. Finally, he opened his eyes and spoke to me directly The words he said would be repeated a thousand times through our years as Cullens.

"You are the most annoying creature I have ever met. Do you _ever_ shut up?"

From beside me, the deep voice of my mate answered in the tone of a martyr.

"Oh, no, she never stops. Not ever."

_**Jasper**_

I watched the face of the most dangerous vampire I had ever met with mounting frustration. He was as confounding as Carlisle. We had invaded his family, taken over his space and insulted him. All he felt in reaction to this was extreme annoyance and a bit of humor. He found it _funny_. Mostly.

I knew from the emotions around me that Edward was second in command of the coven, and he could have easily retaliated against us by refusing our request. Yet he stood across from me with little more than mild aggression, and that wasn't really focused at me.

These were the oddest beings I'd ever met.

Didn't they understand how dangerous I was? Didn't they see me as the invading monster?

"No, and we're not odd," Edward said with a twitch of his face.

That was annoying.

"Not as annoying as coming home to a small vampire with an obnoxious mental voice screaming at you from a garage filled with your furniture. Trust me."

A light feeling of humor filled the room. The family was enjoying this one sided conversation.

"It takes a little getting used to," said Emmett with a wide smile.

"It can be used against him, too," Rosalie said. She pulled her mate into an intense and rather inappropriate kiss.

"Ugh, take it upstairs," groaned _Eddie._

"_That_ will cause conflict," he growled at me. Rosalie was right, it could be used against him.

"You know it won't help. You can still hear us," laughed Rosalie when she came up for air.

"Not anymore," Edward reminded her. "I don't live up there any longer. You know, the garage might not be a bad idea after all."

"Well, then I will just have to try something else to get you back for the pond incident," sneered Rosalie.

"You can't let anything go, can you? You always have to--"

"Stop it you two. Rosalie, take Emmett upstairs or into the woods. No one needs to see you two reunite." She shot her two children a maternal glare so intense that it was actually frightening.

"Now."

"If you insist," said Emmett with a shrug, and he threw Rosalie over his shoulder and darted upstairs. I tried to block the feelings of lust that wafted down from above.

Edward looked at me, and his mouth twitched into a small smile. In this, we were alike.

"As for you two," Esme began with a warm voice and a mood that was incredibly loving, "it's time to properly welcome my daughter and son to my family." She took two steps closer to us and opened her arms. Alice slipped into them as if she had been born to be there.

It had taken all my control not to rip Alice from Carlisle's embrace, but Esme's gentle love was such that I felt no threat from her. No one moved as they stood there, holding each other with their eyes shut and a look of serenity on their faces. When they finally let go, both of them looked as if they wanted to cry. For the first time, I was truly happy we had found the Cullens.

Then Esme did something that I was utterly unprepared for. She turned to me and took a step, arms still wide. The tension in the room rose ten fold, but no one moved. I looked to Carlisle. His face was a mask of caution and concern, but he nodded to me. I looked to my mate, and her face was filled with wonder.

No one but Alice had ever loved me. No one but Alice had touched me in love. I slowly stepped forward, not knowing what to do or expect. I tried to calm my nerves and calm the room, but I was having a hard time with both.

I slowly extended my arms, and Esme wrapped hers around me and pulled me close. Slowly, and very carefully, I brought my arms around her, and was smothered in a love so pure that it glowed in my mind. This love was nothing like that which Alice and I shared, and yet it was so very familiar. I had once flourished in this kind of love, and there was a space within me that took in Esme's gift and relished it. I had forgotten how potent and powerful the love of a mother could be.

In that moment, I began to understand the odd strength that bound this family so tightly together.

Esme stood back, smiling from ear to ear, and said, "Welcome home."

* * *

Please, please, please (Alice-style annoying begging) let me know what you thought of this. I don't normally ask for reviews, but getting the family right is important to me, and I really want to know your thoughts.

The story isn't done yet, far from it, but we are getting there. From here on out, though, it's a family affair. We have games, pranks, weddings, and fun in store for the future. Oh, and Maria, we can't forget her. There may even be a pale, brown eyed human in their future as well, and she will hit both Alice and Edward on the blind side.

I want you all to know that I am going to be incredibly busy in May, so there will be no posts on this story until June 4th.

I will, however, be posting a one-shot I did for the Twilight Canon Fodder Challenge. The story won second place in the veteran category. All of the stories are wonderful canon one-shots and can be found under the author name **TwiCanonFodder.** I highly recommend them.

You may notice that parts of this chapter bear a strong resemblance to Xaipre's Hunt the Squirrel. Again, we both came up with the same idea for Alice separately. Xaipre knows of the similarities and does not have an issue with them.


	18. Chapter 18: Odd Man Out

**Happy Belated Birthday Giovanna! **

So, I'm not dead and I didn't give up on the story. I know it's really late in coming, and I'm terribly sorry about that. There is a long and boring note at the bottom about that.

A super huge thank you to my three beta readers, Remylebeauishot, Mistral123 and Vanessa James. You guys caught an embarrassing number of mistakes. Thank you! I also must thank sarlovesoccer who has made herself available to me when I need off the wall advice.

Stephenie Meyer owns the Twilight Saga and all its characters. I own original characters and a hundred story ideas that won't leave me alone.

* * *

_**Jasper**_

"We still have a few matters to clear up," said Carlisle, and the pause before the words "clear up," hinted that there were several matters rather than a few.

A loud thud sounded upstairs and Edward moaned at the same moment that a distracting shower of lust washed over me.

"Can we do this outside? Preferably _far _away," Edward spat in disgust.

_Thank you._

"Don't mention it."

Carlisle's lips briefly twitched before he said quite seriously, "Of course. Perhaps the Council Rocks?" He looked at his mate and son who both nodded. Esme was also trying to suppress a smile. Apparently, this happened a lot.

Another wave of hot passion flamed over me.

"Fine, let's just go," groaned Edward. "Council Rocks," Edward called upstairs. "But only when you're done, and I mean _really _done!"

"It's gonna be a while," called Emmett's very happy voice.

Esme giggled and grabbed her mate's hand as she and Carlisle followed Edward out the door. I grabbed Alice's hand and strode outside, instantly running after the others. Alice was at my side, but she kept turning to Edward. The sneaky little thing was having discussions with him. Traitorous imp.

Edward sniggered from my flank.

That was simply infuriating.

He sniggered again.

We came to the top of a hill, and a jagged ravine suddenly opened before us, as if someone had split the hill down the middle and thrown the stones down into the triangular wedge. I'd already noticed that the area around Eugene held many such boulders. These, however, had been arranged into a rather loose circle of massive stones with flat tops. They looked quite natural, but the symmetry and flatness of the rocks led me to believe there was nothing natural about this place.

I found myself suddenly wrestling with the bitter consequences of my past. The similarity of this place to others I had been in caused a weakness in the wall I had placed around my memories. This place was too much like the rubble that Maria held court in, places of enormous pain and suffering. Stepping into the rocky gorge forced the memories of what Maria had done to me and to others to rush out like steam under pressure. Guilt, fear and rage rose unbridled in me as I struggled to maintain my control. I felt Edward's horror at the things he saw through me, and I redoubled my efforts to control my mind and hide my feelings.

I could not let my past destroy this future.

Carlisle and Esme hopped up on the flattened stones, unaware of my inner turmoil. I did not look at Edward, but I felt tension build within him. Feeling my emotions through him made the task of hiding my anguish all the more difficult. I wrestled with my past, struggling to force the horror back to its pit, but I could not seal the memories there.

Beside me, Edward went from annoyed to utterly furious. He was not used to the violent practices of the southern covens.

Alice chose a large stone on the opposite side of the circle from Carlisle and sat facing them. I came up beside her and pulled her into my lap. She instantly snuggled into me, and I grasped her love as my anchor. She was tremendously happy, and I tried to use her joy to soothe my inner agony at being in this place.

"Interesting place," she said, totally unaware of what it meant to me.

Esme shrugged. "It saves me from buying dining room sets." I then noted that several of the surrounding stones had massive chunks broken from them and there were several uprooted trees surrounding us.

"Our children… disagree on many things," said Carlisle with a stoic look. "Edward and Rosalie often argue, and Emmett and Edward like to wrestle. For the most part, it's done in fun."

I smiled despite my wavering moods. Young vampires always wanted to fight. That's what made them such good soldiers.

"I owe you both an apology," Carlisle began, speaking formally now. "As you are aware, I wasn't truthful with you before. I didn't know you'd already seen Edward's gift, Alice, and I'm sure it looked like we were intentionally hiding it. We were." He paused for effect, and I had to hide my surprise at his confession. "Not only does his gift give us a great advantage as we live among humans, it also helps us defend ourselves. To protect both my son and my coven, we do not under_ any_ circumstances let others know about Edward." He looked directly at me as he spoke.

I wanted to believe him, to believe that he had only been protecting his own, but I could not bring myself to trust him yet. I had never known of a trustworthy coven leader.

"I will not allow anything to threaten my family," he reiterated, his eyes fixed on me.

"Yes, sir, I understand." I did understand the need to protect what was yours, and I understood how much of a threat I posed. The memories blazed out again, and I heard Edward shift on his rock.

"Alice and Jasper, as I'm sure you know, the way we live our lives makes us bit of a spectacle in the vampire world. We stand in direct contradiction to our kind's very nature. This choice gives us happiness, but it also makes us rather vulnerable. To keep ourselves safe, we follow a few strict rules. If you wish to be a part of our family, you must be willing to follow our rules. Jasper, you may find it difficult."

I braced myself for his demands. Demands I knew I would not _ever_ be able to keep.

"First, as with all of our kind, we do not draw attention to ourselves. This is harder for us than others because our family interacts with humans on a daily basis. You must be able to _safely_ interact to maintain the charade. If this is an issue, you will need to honestly let us know." I nodded my understanding, as I quickly covered my frustration. This was the one rule I had no hope of following, yet from Carlisle's tone, we would be punished or asked to leave if I broke it. I felt my past take its grip on me; I had no hope here, and Alice would pay the price for my weakness.

Edward stirred on his rock and said to the space between us, "Just so we can help. All of us make mistakes." He was trying to keep the peace.

Carlisle caught the gist of his words immediately, and his next words were spoken with unusual softness. "You have already said that this life is difficult for you, Jasper, and I only mean for you to be honest about your limitations. It takes many years of practice to be able to live among the humans, and that is with training from the newborn stage on. It may be substantially longer for you. I would like to ask you, though-"

Alice stiffened in my lap at the same moment that Edward let out a soft cough.

"- how long you were able to go between human feedings." Only the briefest pause in his speech let me know that he had altered his question.

"Fourteen or fifteen days, sir."

"Please, call me Carlisle," he said with a soft smile.

"Yes, sir."

Alice elbowed me.

Carlisle sighed and continued. "Secondly, we do not ever tell others of our gifts. _Ever. _This rule may be difficult for you to follow, Alice." We were both surprised at his words. I hadn't considered that anything would be hard for Alice now. "I know that you can see when there is danger, and you use your gift to determine what is safe, but this is now no longer your decision to make. As the leader of this family, I must ensure their safety. It is my primary goal and concern. Regardless of how safe you think it is, you must _never_ tell anyone of Edward's or your gifts."

"I kept it a secret until I met you," Alice said plaintively.

"I'm sorry if I was unduly harsh, Alice, but Edward told me of Jasper's desire to keep your ability a secret and of your blatant disregard for his wishes," he said with that bizarre calm warmth to his voice. "My dear, your ability to see into the future is unique among our kind. You could destroy entire covens with a gift such as yours. Every coven I know, including the Volturi, would do anything to have you, and now I must do everything I can to protect you. Jasper knows this just as well as I, and I'm sure you've nearly driven him mad as he has tried to keep you safe. His desire isn't based on paranoia, but rather the absolute truth that there are those who would kill anyone or anything to have the gifts you and Edward possess."

His words stilled Alice, and brought me a measure of peace. He spoke the words honestly, and with an emotion so strong that it made all the others fade in comparison. It was similar to the way I felt when Alice went into a trance; the need to protect what is yours at all costs. Just as Esme had somehow brought the love of a mother into this new life, Carlisle kept the paternal protection of a loving father. It was a surreal feeling coming from a vampire.

Beside us, I felt Eddie relax just a bit. Then I felt his anger when I said his name like that. He took things so personally. His anger redoubled.

Yep, this definitely had possibilities.

"Jasper?" Esme's soft voice called me back from my game.

"Ma'am?"

"My mother was ma'am, I'm Esme," she said dryly. "Edward said your gift is subtle, but very potent; that you can feel and alter emotions and moods. Is that correct?"

"Yes, Ma- yes."

She chose to ignore my slip. "And you used it to help you in your previous life? Didn't it make being a soldier difficult?"

For the last eighty six years I had kept my gift as much of a secret as possible, even Maria did not know everything I was capable of. For the last fifteen, I had tried with all my might to forget what could never be forgotten. In that time, only Alice and Peter and Charlotte had shown concern for me. And only Alice knew what my past had done to me. The memories of what I had been, of the atrocities done by me and to me, rushed in. I couldn't bring myself to answer Esme.

"Jasper's gift helped him control newborns and fight in battle," Alice said. Her hands grasped mine, and she sent me every ounce of love and calm that she could. My mate knew I was struggling.

"Training newborns is a difficult task," said Carlisle, hedging around the truth.

"Why newborns?" asked Esme innocently.

"Newborns are used in southern armies because their strength makes them unstoppable. After about a month, the thirst eases and they can be trained to fight." Carlisle's voice was tight with what he wasn't saying. "Their makers control them with lies and false promises of increased hunting grounds."

"They force newborns to fight? What if the newborn doesn't want to?" When no one answered her question, the first hint of truth hit her. "But, that's terrible! Why would someone change a human just to force them to fight or die?" I felt her revulsion and shock as she turned to face me with wide, pleading eyes. She knew, but she didn't want to believe it.

I needed to answer her this time. She deserved that answer, but I loathed what I was about to do. I didn't want this gentle woman who offered me a mother's love to understand how utterly evil I was. Esme's face was filled with concern for me, concern that somehow left me feeling utterly naked.

I fought back against the searing pain and crippling shame of my memories. I had to force my voice to remain calm.

"A human was always chosen for their ability to fight. Before a battle, Maria would change several dozen newborns, and they would be forced to fight or die. We would feed and train them, and before their strength was gone, use them in battle."

"Several... dozen?" Esme's voice sounded too high. "How did you control them? How did you feed them?"

"To a southern coven, humans are simply the herd. We fought for possession of cities full of them, but also ate from them. We would fight for a city and its herd, and then rebuild our army after the battles ended. It takes time to build an army. She would constantly create newborns, and I always trained them. I would go out every night with some to feed and train. Maria would steal young humans and keep them as feed stock to supplement our hunting while we built the army. It was easy to steal hundreds of them from various places and keep them in pens." Horror now radiated around me as Esme understood my words and Edward saw my memories. I fought the urge to jump up and run. They finally understood, and I was now a pariah to them, a thing unclean. They had accepted my scars and my mate, but they would never accept my past. How could they?

I fought to keep my voice steady as memories of pain and death seared me. I could hear their screams, see the roaring pyres and feel their pain again. It took all I had, but I met Esme's eyes. Esme's face was etched with her internal horror. "You need to understand, this is how it is done in the south. I was re-born into the life of a soldier, a murderer, and fought my way to the top of my maker's army." I closed my eyes for a moment, trying to stop the images that were tearing at my mind. "I could control them, train them in battle and lead them. I became their captain by the end of my newborn year, and for fifty years, I didn't once regret my actions. My scars are from a hundred battles, and I used to be proud of them. My scars are from a thousand different deaths, and I used to flaunt them as my rank. It took almost eighty years to understand that they were nothing more than the visible mark of my sin."

Cold fear flooded the space between the rocks, rising like black water to surround me.

Esme looked at me with wide eyes. "But what do they do when their year is over?" I could tell by the waves of rancid disgust that she already knew. My mind went to memories so painful that I shuddered. Here, amid stones set up like sepulchers, this good family was about to understand exactly what I was. I felt Alice beside me, my anchor to the man I had become, and something within me reached out to her. I hadn't ever felt so in need of her. Letting Carlisle and especially Esme know what kind of demon I truly was shook me to my very bones.

I struggled for the words as the sounds of screams, the feeling of betrayal, and the faces of my comrades beat against my sanity. I heard Edward hiss and growl as he saw what I had been.

"I killed them. All of them," I said through gritted teeth.

If emotion had sound, the ravine would have thundered, but instead the silence suffocated us all. The only noise was our unnecessary breathing, which sounding much too ragged for our kind.

In my lap, Alice's love poured into me and held me on the rock below. I pulled her love into me, once again marveling at her, my savior. A savior my past may have betrayed.

I took a breath and looked into the faces of the others. They finally held the full measure of terror that they should. Edward's mouth was curled into a snarl, but he was remarkably composed for having witnessed that small portion of my evil.

And then something shifted.

At almost the same moment, Esme's and Carlisle's repulsion gave way to pity. No, deeper than pity, cautious compassion.

"I don't deserve your compassion."

"But... you didn't... want that, did you?" Esme asked.

I looked into her ochre eyes, and spoke the utter truth. "I did at first. When I first became a leader for Maria, I saw the duty as important; as myself as important. It was all a part of the twisted lies she wove around us and bound us in. It did it because I believed her lies, but the choice was mine."

"Their emotions..." began Carlisle as what I was saying dawned on him. My memories shifted to what my pride had made me endure, a pain that still burned within me as a constant, smoldering pyre that was mine to endure for eternity. Beside me, Edward let out a moan of pain. I pushed the memories down again, but a new rage was coming from the mind reader - or from me. I hated that he knew me, hated it almost to the point of violence.

"Every time I took a life, I died, or, more precisely, I killed of a part of the man I once was." My words were slow, deliberate, desperate. "By the time I finally left Maria, I had lost the ability to feel. All I knew was need: the need to find peace, the need to stop killing, the need to stop the pain. It was better without Maria and battles, but every time I take a life, _every time_, I must endure their deaths. I do not want to be the monster I am. I want to be worthy of Alice. When I said Alice saved me, I meant that in every way, she is my salvation."

In any other coven, the leader would have seen me for the threat I was. In any other coven, they would have forced me to prove loyalty and then exploited my gift. In any other coven, my honesty would have been enough to condemn me to death. I was a threat on a magnitude so great that no one would ever want me to stay. But Carlisle simply looked at me, and felt compassion and... respect.

"Don't. I don't deserve that," I said. I didn't deserve it, and no strong coven leader should be willing to give it.

"That's how you view everything, isn't it? Everything comes down to superiority and military maneuvering for you," Edward hissed, breaking his silence at last. He shook with rage. He had seen it all, and he had a right to his fury. "You were wrong, Carlisle. He truly is nothing more than a killing machine, a monster!"

"He isn't a monster," Alice said with heat.

"Not anymore," I agreed. I radiated calm to back up my lie.

"Edward, stop. We've been over this," interrupted Esme.

He looked to Alice and answered her instead. "You see him as he is, but you have no idea what he can still do. Your love blinds you."

I felt Alice bristle in anger even as I tried to suppress my own.

"You _don't_ know me," I growled at him. "You only think you know what I've been through or what I've done. You have no idea what I have chosen _not_ to do." My words were clipped as I controlled my anger. "You were reborn as the young and foolish son of a loving family. I was reborn into hell where the only way to stay alive was to kill. I was _made_ into a monster, a killing machine, a weapon of death. Who are you to judge me?"

"I only judge you by your own words and memories. You are evil, you said so yourself. You are a weapon and nothing more. What right do you have to enter my family?"

"Edward!" Carlisle's voice rang clear.

I didn't realize I was standing until I felt Alice's hands on my chest. I dared not look at her, but kept my eyes on my enemy. I rose to answer his accusations, and to fight if necessary.

"I was the monster you saw, but I'm not him any more. You don't have anything to fear from me," I lied smoothly as I projected calming peace, trying to deflect his rage.

"I have _everything_ to fear from you," he snapped back. "I fear what you were and what you are still capable of."

I began to restate my lie, to convince him that I was no longer the murderer I saw myself as, but I couldn't. With sudden clarity I realized that I _had _spoken the truth. The words I had so long used to describe myself weren't true any longer; I wasn't the monster I had once been. He was still there, lurking below the surface and totally at the mercy of the bloodlust that held my life in its grip, but _I _was no longer the monster because I had_ chosen_ not to be. I was no longer a killing machine because Alice had saved me. I was not a weapon of death because I had chosen life alongside her. That realization swept away my rage.

"You are right, I am still capable of doing great harm, but I _won't_. I told you, I am no longer that monster," I confessed, more to Carlisle than Edward. Edward already knew my thoughts.

"If you want to be a part of my family, you need to defend the carnage of your past," Edward spat, still full of rage at what I was. "I don't care how much you want to be here, you can't bring a killer here and expect us to accept him." His eyes bored into Alice.

Somehow, I had to make this right. For Alice and for me, I had to. "I was all that you saw, and worse, far worse, but I'm no longer that killer. I'm not good like Alice, but I will not harm you. Any of you." I turned to Carlisle, hoping he would understand. I slowly raised my hands, closed my eyes and dropped my head in a pose of defeat. I gritted my teeth in an effort to remain in this helpless position. This was not a place of torture, and Carlisle was not Maria. "You are my coven, and I swear my allegiance to you. I will die protecting you. I swear that I will_ never _harm a member of my coven."

Carlisle was instantly by my side, and he placed his hands on my shoulders. "You are already a member, Jasper," he whispered.

"You don't know that!" Edward hissed at his father.

"Is he lying?"

Edward stood silently, the rage leaving him to be replaced by uncertainty.

"Son, is he lying?" Carlisle asked softly.

"No," Edward admitted in defeat. "No, but that doesn't make him safe. You didn't see what I did. You don't understand how evil he is."

"That doesn't make him any more or less damned than the rest of us." I felt his need to protect and to care for me flood through me with the touch of his hands. "We will discuss this later," Carlisle said to him as he released me and returned to his mate. Alice slid in beside me, and I took a moment to fill myself with her, and give myself to her.

"Edward tends to take liberties as he sees fit," Carlisle began, turning his attention back to me. "It is one of his many weaknesses."

"It had to be done and you wouldn't do it. I told you, his gift makes him powerful and his indecision makes him dangerous."

I decided to throw out a peace offering. "I was a monster, worse than a monster, and you are right to fear me. I am still dangerous, but not to you,"_ yet. Keep this up and we will see._ "I will defend my coven, not destroy it." I wondered how young and inexperienced he truly was to take on a vampire like myself.

"I'm old enough to know that unless you see yourself as a member of a family and not a monster within it, you won't fit," he said, looking at Carlisle. The silence between them was heavy.

I had had enough. He was pushing this issue too far, especially for one who was guilty of the same crime. He head snapped up and his wide eyes met mine. _Yes, I know what you did._ I took a breath, and sent out the peace I didn't feel. "I will not harm you, but I don't need to defend myself to you," _you stuck-up, immature, mind-reading pig! _

"I am not, and don't call me that!" he seethed. He was ready to explode, yet he wisely stayed put.

"Why not? It's true. It's what Rosalie calls you," I said with a sense of victory.

"How do you know that?"

"I told him," Alice said with a smirk. He had made my mate angry, truly angry. I was thrilled.

"I'm glad we aren't at home," mumbled Esme as she watched us.

Rosalie was right; this really had the potential to be quite fun.

A final, quick thought of attacking the young pup passed through my mind, and Alice was again in front of me, imploring with her eyes for me to drop this. I smiled at her and nodded. I didn't want to fight him anyway, at least not yet. His ability would give him an undeniable advantage, the cheater.

"For the last time, _I don't cheat_!"

"Oh, yes you do," bellowed Emmett's voice from the forest. He and Rosalie appeared almost instantly in the clearing. Their lustful happiness surrounded them like an aura. How they carried that much sexual tension within them was beyond me.

"It never goes away, either," said Edward to the air above his head. His anger was evaporating and remorse filled it's place. He turned to his brother. "And I don't cheat. I've told you before; I can't turn off my gift no matter how hard I try."

"It may not be entirely your fault, but it's still cheating," Emmett said with a grin.

"We are not having this conversation again," Edward hissed.

Emmett's presence altered the entire emotional equation as quickly as turning a switch. He was utterly transparent, without the layers of emotion that I was used to. He was relaxed and happy and almost as excited as Alice, as he stood there holding his mate in a grip that was rather lewd. His straightforward emotions were the perfect compliment to Rosalie's convoluted anger.

"You do cheat. I can't even play tic-tac-toe with you, brother," he said happily.

Edward was a ball of frustration again. Of course, hearing the inner monologues of everyone around him all the time had to wear on him. A part of me felt sorry for him, but not enough to let down my guard. He was still the most dangerous vampire I knew.

"Always about strategy," he said to Carlisle with a nod in my direction.

"Oh, I forgot," gasped Alice. "We have a gift for you, Emmett. You too, _Edward_." I relished the way she said his name, as if it was something that tasted bad.

"You got me a gift?" Emmett's face glowed.

Alice was again completely in her element. I was grateful for her intercession. "It's in the car. I was so excited about you two coming home that I totally forgot about them."

"Well, why don't we leave this place and go get your presents," said Esme as she slid off the rock and hugged her huge son. She took a breath and walked to me with a shy smile. She cupped my cheek, and I again felt her love. Somehow, some way, she had been able to see past what I was. She was willing to accept me as I was. A strange tightness filled my stomach as she turned from me.

Alice led the way this time, with me by her side. I could hear snippets of conversations coming from the others behind me. Edward and Emmett were the most verbal, but I could only hear a few of the almost silent words.

"A danger?"

"... nothing but a murderous beast."

"... change..."

"... wanted to be a soldier, too."

"... different from you," hissed Rosalie as we arrived at our low sitting car. Rosalie was right, the struts were shot.

Alice quickly popped open the trunk and beamed as she handed the gifts to her new brothers.

Edward was genuinely impressed and grateful. He had at least been brought up well.

Emmett let out a loud whoop when he opened the leather poker set.

"You play?" He looked at me excitedly.

"Of course," I shrugged. Right now I didn't feel much like playing.

"But you can't cheat, right?" Emmett's excitement grew.

"At poker? In a way I do."

"He can read your emotions, and change them. That makes him a cheater of sorts," snapped Edward.

_At least I admit it_.

He huffed.

"I can't stop feeling what you feel," I began, trying to explain to this simple vampire why playing poker might not be a good idea. Suddenly, Emmett's transparency ended as layer after layer of emotion took over.

"I think I can handle that," he smiled knowingly at me. He began to hide his mood, bringing into play the normal tangle of emotions that most vampires felt.

It was my very first hint that Emmett was neither simple nor a fool. His happy state of mind was a conscious choice, and that was not a simple thing to do.

His contagious excitement, or my competitive spirit, took over and I smiled at him. "Well, if you don't mind being beaten, I think I could play a few hands." I hadn't played poker since Las Vegas. "Are we only playing for chips?"

"I don't know. What else you got?"

"Well, we could play for money," I suggested. I was quite good at poker.

"You will not play for anything of worth," Esme nearly growled. "I will _not_ repair this home again because of a stupid game."

"Okay," Emmett clapped his hands and rubbed them together in anticipation. "We'll keep it simple. You've got clothes, right? Let's play strip poker!" He laughed.

"Emmett Cullen! What have I told you about being naked in the living room?" snapped Esme. Emmett feigned an innocent smile and headed towards the house. The massive devil was anything but innocent.

Monday's sun rose behind thick clouds as we played cards. Alice and Edward were the odd ones out, and they sat on opposite sides of the room, glaring at each other. I didn't need to read minds to know that they were in the midst of a silent sibling spat. I was immensely happy about that. The rest of us were huddled around the dining room table with stacks of chips and cards piled around us. Carlisle was a fair player, but Esme's emotions gave her away every time. Rosalie was a natural at the game. Not even I could feel past the veil of constant anger that she hid behind.

We didn't talk much once the game began. The only conversations were the hilarious stories of past games and why the boys couldn't play most of them in the house any more. Esme had the patience of a saint.

"I didn't think cards could do that kind of damage," I said as I bent the seemingly fragile things.

"Oh yeah," chuckled Emmett. "Took the whole wall right out. You have to make sure they are at the right angle, but with enough velocity, these little buggers can take down a tree."

"I hate to break this up," Edward interrupted as the room filled with the weak sunlight, "but we have school."

"Spoil sport," Emmett moaned. I had to hold back my laughter; he looked just like a massive child when he said that.

Esme glanced at the window and frowned. "Couldn't you just skip today?"

"Mr. Morris is already upset about the amount of school we've missed and its finals week. Skipping today would just cause more problems, especially if we want to keep living here as long as we'd planned," Edward answered. I was surprised that his emotions were regretful.

"Yeah, well old man Morris is just upset that Rosalie is better at math than he is. Come on, Rose today's the day you show that creep that it is possible for a pretty girl to ace his precious geometry final. And nobody better touch this game 'til we get back." Emmett punctuated his last sentence with a stern look around the table.

Carlisle set down his cards and waved a hand. "Don't worry, we'll hold the game and be here waiting when you return."

"Esme has other ideas," Edward said with a glance out the window. He had an odd habit of looking into space when he spoke of someone's thoughts.

"They need furniture," Esme said with a coy look at her mate, "and Brenner's can order just about anything they might want. Why don't we head into town and have the others join us after school?" I felt Alice shudder in excitement beside me. Edward sighed in resignation.

"Oh, Esme, that would be just wonderful!" she exclaimed. Of course, Alice had already seen this, and she was badly overacting, but Esme seemed pleased.

"What will we tell the townsfolk? When they see us with Jasper and Alice, they will be curious," said Carlisle.

"They could be cousins visiting from out of state."

"Or better yet, Jasper could be Rosalie's brother. They do look alike," said Edward with a little too much excitement. The dog _would_ try to match me with Rosalie. He grinned at me.

"I'm going to say no to that," snapped Rosalie. The feelings were evidently mutual.

"He can be my younger brother while we are here," interrupted Carlisle, "But Edward's idea has merit. Rosalie and Jasper do look alike. I think of all of us, they could pass for brother and sister."

"Emmett, drive your truck to school so that we can bring home a few things for them, like paint," Esme continued.

"A truck? You have a _truck_? How could I have missed a truck?" gasped Alice beside me. That did not bode well.

Esme giggled and gave her a quick hug.

"My Studebaker is faster. I'd rather take that."

"Don't be silly, Edward, Emmett won't mind taking the truck," said Esme.

"It's not Emmett I'm worried about," he said with a quick sideways glance at Alice.

_It won't work. She can't be stopped._

"Maybe he should take his car. With three vehicles there, I'm sure we will have plenty of room," Alice said with a smile of victory on her face.

_Told ya._

"All right then, let's get ready for our day," she said. "You three clean up and head to school. Alice, the stores open at ten, and we should leave here around nine-thirty. We'll take Carlisle's car." She ticked off the instructions like a sergeant and then headed up the stairs. Not even Maria could give orders with the authority of Esme.

We left the house promptly at nine-thirty. Alice and Esme were nearly giddy with excitement, but Carlisle's emotions and face mirrored my stoicism. Neither one of us was looking forward to this, and it was comforting that Carlisle was sensible in this one thing. At least I wasn't alone here.

We traveled with Carlisle and Esme. It wasn't my choice, but I couldn't say no to my coven leader without reason. Alice was bubbling over with excitement as she bounced beside me. She nearly began salivating when the others left for school and she saw the truck's massive bed, and her excitement only increased with each mile. By the look in Alice's eyes, she was going to shut down the stores and probably attempt to fill the truck. Her leg was tapping again as she happily chatted with Esme about bizarre words like Scandinavian Contemporary, Americana, and Hoosier.

I sat quietly by, thinking about the events of the last day and watching my coven leaders as they glanced at each other with looks of the purest love I had ever seen. None of this made any sense to me.

A coven leader who knew what I was and respected me. A motherly vampire. A huge man who acted as a newborn, was married to a shrew, and loved this half-life. A vampire with incredible powers who played piano and argued with siblings instead of using his gift for his own good. A coven that accepted me for what I was.

It made no sense, and yet I was content with it.

As I watched my mate talk, I felt an odd sense of protectiveness for these vampires. They were my coven – like it or not. I was now bound to protect them, and somehow I wanted to do just that. Was it a measure of the man I was? I hoped so. Either that, or I was getting soft.

Eugene had less than 40,000 people, but it boasted a large downtown area. The main road offered two good furniture stores and several clothing boutiques. I was thrilled to see that there were only two tailors in town, and one was closed for the day. At least I was off the hook for a while.

Carlisle parked along the street and exited the car as naturally as any human I had ever seen. I braced myself to be among the humans. Alice smiled at me and squeezed my hand before we got out. Knowing that she saw no danger made the trip much less harrowing. Still, this was yet another reason I was glad that Edward was stuck at school.

"Furniture first?" Esme asked Alice with a bright smile.

It took a moment for Alice to answer. That was a difficult question for her because there were only eight or so more hours to shop, and she had to choose wisely.

"I suppose so, though I wish Rosalie had been able to come with us."

"Don't worry; it will take us a while to look through the catalogues at Brenner's. She will join us when she's done. Besides, they _don't_ need any more furniture," Esme rolled her eyes to emphasize her point.

Alice put her arm through mine, and we began to stroll through the shopping area behind Carlisle and Esme. After two blocks, we entered the furniture store and the chemical smells of furniture oil and plastic assailed me. Intermixed with the obnoxious smells, the scent of human blood sent hot venom pouring into my mouth and searing down my throat. After the last two days, my emotions were very frayed, and the smell of the humans was almost more than I could endure. I stopped breathing, and Alice squeezed my hand in support.

"Dr. and Mrs. Cullen!" called out a gray haired man. "How wonderful to see you again! Have those boys of yours broken more of my furniture?"

"Oh, no, Mr. Brenner," laughed Esme, perfectly at ease with this beating heart. "Not this time, at least. I'm here to get some bedroom furniture for Carlisle's brother and his wife." She waved her hand towards us, and the balding man nodded. His heart rate increased as his natural fear grew, but he kept the pleasant smile on his face. Alice went right up and shook his hand. He magnanimously waved them over to the showroom. Alice looked at me and beamed. I sighed and dutifully joined her, listening to the salesman drone on and on about the virtues of plastic.

After an hour of constantly being asked if I liked various pieces of furniture, I was ready to run through the wall of the store to escape. Finally, Esme and Alice decided on a sturdy looking bedroom set and a pair of matching chairs. They went to sit down to look through the thousands of upholstery scraps with Mr. Brenner.

"We can escape now if we move quickly," Carlisle whispered beside me. He looked at me hopefully.

"They'll know," I whispered back, nodding at Alice. I didn't need Alice angry with me.

Both of the girls laughed happily as the salesman pulled out a thick, brand new sample book. I looked at her and saw that she was fully distracted. "Now!" he hissed and ran out the door almost at vampire speed. I was torn for a moment, trying to decide which was worse, spending time with Carlisle or staying here. It only took the smallest portion of a second for me to follow him out the door.

"You have no idea how thankful I am Alice is here. Esme loves to shop, especially for home items, and while I love spending the time with her, I hate shopping. Truly hate it. I am more grateful than words can say," he said when I was abreast of him. He was rather pleased with himself.

"What do you want to do?" He looked at me with a hopeful expectation that was far too childlike for his three-hundred years.

"I... have no idea," and I didn't. What do two old vampires do in a small town, besides the obvious?

On the main road, there was a small bookstore, a library, two diners, and a movie house that had Cinderella billed for Friday night. Not much to do here.

"Perhaps the book store," suggested Carlisle. He looked behind us nervously.

"They can find us anywhere. You can't hide from Alice," I reminded him dryly. Truthfully, I had only tried once or twice, but I was sure it was almost impossible.

"You're right," mused Carlisle. "That will make Christmas difficult."

"It makes everything difficult," I grumbled.

"I thought I'd seen everything in a mated pair until I saw you," he chuckled. "Can you keep any secrets from her?"

His mood was lighthearted and he was truly curious. The total lack of aggression and anger in him still set me on edge. I felt as if he was hiding something.

"Can you keep any secrets from Edward?" I countered.

"He is a good man."

I said nothing.

"I know he is young. He was only seventeen when he was changed, and he retains much of his youthful... impertinence. He also retains much of its pride. His ability hasn't helped him tame those traits, and, in fact, it has often made him assume he is right. However, his gift is also a constant burden that he must carry. Just as yours is." He paused for a moment. "I realize that you showed great restraint at the rocks. Thank you."

"He was right, you know. I was a monster, and without Alice, I would still be one."

He looked over to me and placed his hand on my shoulder as he opened the door to the small book store. I tensed, but didn't feel threatened.

"That is what makes you so wonderful to have in our family. None of us have had to deal with the world you were reborn into. Only Edward lived as you did, and he found it terribly difficult to leave. Your choice amazes me."

We walked into the bookstore, and I was burned again with the scent of books, dust and human blood. I swallowed the venom that pooled in my mouth and focused on the comforting scenes of the store as I looked at the walls all lined with shelves of books. It seemed that bookstores were always the same. I had been in them from coast to coast, and they all smelled and looked alike.

"There isn't much here," said Carlisle apologetically, "but they have a nice stock of periodicals and your typical books. What do you like?"

He was already walking towards the tiny art section.

"History and philosophy," I answered automatically. His eyebrow rose but he said nothing as he nodded in the right direction.

"I like philosophy myself, but usually within a religious theme."

"Isn't it rather odd for a vampire to care about religion?"

"It was going to be my chosen profession. It may no longer be my vocation, but I still find the study both enlightening and rather calming."

"I've done far too much evil to find religion calming," I said bitterly. "I think it was once important to me, but not anymore. I have been looking to philosophy for enlightenment."

"I find the words of philosophers fascinating, but they tend to ring rather hollow in the face of eternity. I do, however, have a particular fondness for Thoreau and his ideas on natural man."

"A vampire with a fondness for 'natural man?' That's almost morbid." He smiled at me and walked over to the art section, obviously looking for a book for Esme. I looked through the offerings for history and found a book on medieval China that looked promising and a volume by Thoreau. Then I went over to look at the romances for Alice. I picked up a nauseatingly violet colored Harlequin Romance by one of Alice's preferred authors and began flipping through the pages to see if she might like it.

"You have interesting tastes," Carlisle sniggered. "On Walden Pond is one of my favorites, but I must confess to never having read one of those." He picked up a flowery book, flipping through the first dozen pages in two seconds. "Do you think Esme would like one of these?"

"I don't even know how Alice stomachs them," I said.

"You've read them, then?" His lips curled up in smile.

Thank God vampires cannot blush.

"No, of course not!"

He looked at me knowingly with those unnerving yellow eyes. "Your secret's safe with me," he whispered. He knew.

I squirmed and tried to find a way out of this. Finally, I decided to confess. Reading cheap romance books was minor compared to murder, but somehow if felt far worse. "Alice buys these by the dozen. While she would go into towns to look for you, I had a lot of time to kill. I actually prefer the westerns she buys." I swear the man was gloating. "I was a recuperating vampire. What else was there to do?"

He laughed outright.

"If you tell Edward or Emmett this, I will kill you, but I am rather addicted Esme's magazines. The stories are so emotional and just so _human_. She's caught me looking in them, but so far, I don't think she knows what I read. One of the reasons I come in here is to read them in the back corner there." He pointed to a chair squeezed between the book shelves. "Perhaps we could spend some time here, reading until our mates are done," he said with a wink. Then he went and sat down, opening a large volume which he held at an odd angle. The old man was astounding.

I stood there, utterly uncertain. I could feel the human's eyes boring holes through me as I held onto the overly purple book. Then I simply gathered a few more books, walked to the western section, grabbed a few of those and sat in an overstuffed chair in the corner. With any luck, the human would never know which ones I chose to read.

After four books, I felt the unmistakable joy of my mate. I quickly dropped two of the pink ones to the side of the chair and kicked them under a bookshelf. Carlisle looked up at me and I nodded to him. He followed me to the counter. When Alice and Esme walked in, we were just finishing up the purchases.

"They're here," Alice sang as she bounced into the small shop. "The others arrived a few minutes ago, and Edward and Emmett are waiting for you at the sporting goods store. Rosalie is looking in the window of one of the shops."

Once again, I fell in love with her as she stood at my side, smiling at me. The joy of having her near washed through me, just as I hoped it would for all eternity.

I felt her curiosity and opened the bag for her to see my selections. She grinned at me as she pulled out the purple book.

We followed Esme and Carlisle out the door and down the street just in time to see Rosalie slip into a boutique. Alice gasped.

"She is about to make a terrible turquoise mistake. Go on and find Edward while Esme and I stop Rosalie," she said and kissed my cheek lightly before grabbing Esme's hand and rushing into the store.

"Is she always like this?" asked Carlisle incredulously.

"Yes, sir. It's worse in major cities."

"Perhaps bringing the truck was a mistake."

"It was - a big one," I said sagely. Carlisle grimaced.

"Shall we go find Edward and Emmett," he asked.

"There is no way I'm going near Edward," I said as I waved the purple book in front of him. He would know, and I would _never _live that down.

He looked torn for a moment. "If you fill your mind with something else, like a song or a book, he can't or won't break through. After a while, you will become engrossed in something else and it won't be an issue."

I looked at Carlisle and wondered if he understood the tactical advantage he was giving me. "What do you usually think about?"

"Latin Mass, Shakespeare, anything really," he said with a shrug.

Anything? I could definitely do anything. I filled my mind with a dirty Spanish ditty that I'd heard sailors in the Gulf sing. I hoped Edward knew Spanish.

Just as Alice said, the boys were at the sporting goods store. Edward glared at me as we entered.

"You have _got_ to be kidding me," he whined. He closed his eyes and said, "I'm not whining."

"You look upset, son."

"You would be too if one of your family members came in singing the Ave Maria and the other came in singing a disgusting sailor's song."

"How disgusting?" smiled Emmett. "Can you teach me?"

"No," Edward and I said at the same moment. Replaying it in my head was one thing, teaching it to Emmett was something I would live to regret.

Once again, I had the odd sensation of feeling my own emotions flow through Edward. I wondered if it was as strange for him as it was for me.

"Stranger," he said looking straight at me for the first time in a day. We looked at each other, measuring the other's strength and weakness in a silent standoff. At least there was no anger between us.

I tried to ignore Edward's annoyance and focus on Emmett's transparent hopefulness instead.

"So, do you play any sports?" he asked.

"I once played a game of dodgeball on the roofs of New York City."

"That sounds like it could be fun," he mused.

"There were several of us and we played with several balls at once, so it took some skill."

"How about football or baseball?" Emmett asked, with a sly smile.

"I played a version of baseball when I was both human and a vampire," I said, growing more excited. Perhaps it was Emmett or perhaps it was me, but the prospect of playing a game with these odd vampires was really rather attractive.

Even Edward's mood lifted a bit.

"I want to build a basketball court," Emmett said. "I think we can make it work if we use telephone poles and reinforced concrete."

"_That_ wouldn't be conspicuous at all," Edward droned with a roll of his eyes.

"Lots of people have long concrete driveways. We could always take out the poles when we move. Besides, we could use it for tennis."

"How do you plan on making the basketballs last long enough to play with them?" Carlisle asked. "Besides, tennis has never really gone well, especially near the house. Remember the kitchen wall?"

"What if we angle it away from the house?"

"Why don't we just focus on baseball and football? Now that Jasper is here, we have the potential for much fairer teams," suggested Carlisle.

"I think the reinforced concrete idea might work, if we do it right," mused Edward. The same excited feeling was growing in him. The Cullen boys liked to play.

"We can go talk to someone at the hardware store, I suppose, but-"

"Great," exclaimed Emmett with a hard punch to Carlisle's arm. He picked up several dozen bats and a large bag of baseballs and strode to the frightened looking teen at the cash register. For a family that wanted to maintain anonymity, Emmett wasn't much help.

"You should see him when he's excited," chuckled Edward. His annoyance had faded now that my mood was better.

We followed Emmett down the road to the hardware store where Dr. Cullen was once again greeted with open friendliness and his sons were greeted with fear. I noticed that Emmett naturally evoked that response, and my presence made it even worse.

I was again introduced as Carlisle's brother. We "boys" stayed back while the good doctor talked with the owner of the store about the possibility of reinforced concrete and supplies for Edward's new room. It took a good bit of lying to explain why a home miles into the hills outside of Eugene might need such strong materials, especially when most of the roads here were still dirt.

I joined Emmett by the small bags of concrete that were piled at the back of the store.

"... several dump trucks worth," Edward was saying.

"They poured the foundation for the house, I don't see the difference."

"That was a lot less concrete."

Emmett frowned and turned back to the bags, and then I felt my mate, Rose and Esme enter the store. They were all as happy as they could be.

Edward sighed and muttered, "Oh, no."

"You wouldn't believe what Alice helped us find," Rosalie said as she held up several bags of clothing. "She even convinced Esme to go with a lower neckline and more modern dresses."

Esme was happily standing by her mate, also holding several bags.

Alice came up to me, and I placed my arm around her, whole now that she was here. She also held several bags. I was again grateful for the lack of men's clothing stores.

"What are you guys doing?" Alice asked innocently.

"Talking about concrete," Emmett said.

Rosalie rolled her eyes and Alice huffed. They were both disappointed for some unknown reason.

Edward snorted. Then, suddenly, Edward stiffened and flashed fear. I tensed looking around to see what danger was nearby, but he only growled, "They're fine," to Alice who was eyeing him appraisingly. I knew that look.

He looked at me, "It's not funny."

"Oh, yes it is."

"I got these from Sears and Roebuck, and there is nothing wrong with them," he said with an exasperated sigh.

She just looked at him.

"No, I will look like a punk in those, and you need to leave my hair out of this. My clothing and my sense of style are both just fine," he sneered.

She turned her head to the side.

"I don't care! They make my hair feel funny and I won't use them. No, not even for that. You _can't_ make me."

_Now you've done it. You've gone where angels fear to tread, Eddie. She can and she will._

Suddenly she laughed and smiled shrewdly. She had learned to play Edward like a phonograph.

"Don't you dare! That's low"

_Told ya. She'll stop at nothing._

She flashed him a grin and walked over to Esme. "Don't you think the oil will work well on Edward's mop?" she asked with a childlike innocence. She was good. Edward growled low and she giggled. "And those shirts we saw at JC Penney would bring out the color of his hair."

Rosalie wandered closer to their conversation, and Emmett tapped Edward on the arm.

"Hey," he hissed. "What's up with the girls?"

Edward looked as if he wanted to take Emmett's head off.

"They wanted us to bond," he whispered.

"Bond like what?"

"They want us to develop a closer emotional bond by talking about important issues," I answered.

"We were talking about cement. That's a bonding subject. Isn't that good enough?"

Edward looked at him like he was an idiot, and then said a harsh, "No!" in the direction of the girls.

Rosalie turned to him and beamed. This was going to be good.

Esme walked over, smiling sweetly at us. "Alice has wonderful tastes. She wants to buy you all something as a gift from her. I would love to let her choose some newer clothes for you boys. It always makes me proud to see you two well dressed." The girls watched us, already relishing their triumph.

Emmett put his arm around me suddenly, and I nearly lurched aside to rip it off, but he didn't seem to notice me. He just looked imploringly at Esme and said, "But Jasper and I were just bonding here, talking about the new driveway." He was pathetic.

"You need my help Emmett, and this will go much quicker if you cooperate," Alice said stalking towards him with raised eyebrows. I looked at his flannel plaid shirt and for once had to agree with her.

"It's not gonna work," I said to him.

He dropped his arm and his head in resignation.

Within minutes, the Cullen coven headed to JC Penney so that Alice could begin her life's goal of making the clan fashionable. As we walked along, I couldn't help but smirk at the emotions of the family. The girls were joyful as they strode along the sidewalk with their mates. The men were brooding. For once, I fit right in with the Cullens.

It took the rest of the afternoon, but Alice managed to fill both Carlisle's and Edward's cars and a good portion of the truck with dozens of bags of clothing, an oriental rug, matching towels, a floor lamp, and paint. As we headed back to the house, she was nearly in a state of complete bliss. If we had been in a larger shopping area, she would have been almost catatonic with ecstasy.

As we sat in the car on the way back, I couldn't help but look back at Edward who slouched behind the wheel of his car looking every ounce the tortured soul he was. There was something in him, some mixture of emotion that warned me that he was up to something.

I felt my mate stir in my arms, and I suddenly wanted very badly to be away from this family for a short time. Better yet, a long time. I hadn't held her for days, and I longed to fill us both with the beautiful light of our love, but there was no way I could do that with a mindreader in the house or the garage.

I began stroking Alice's cheek with my finger, relishing the feel of her perfectly smooth skin. She looked up at me with such a look of love that I caught my breath. I would need to love her properly. And soon.

A feeling of frustration pierced us from behind, and I turned to see Edward glaring at me. I smiled back, and settled into loving my mate. Let him stew back there.

Too soon, our ride ended, and we began the task of unloading the cars. It only took a few minutes, but that is a very long time for our kind. I wondered what kind of evening activity a vampire family does at night.

"Ed Sullivan's show, what else?" Edward answered easily.

"Before we turn on the television, I would like to give you and Alice something," Carlisle said with a small smile.

Esme went to the closet to get two boxes. Alice was at my side in an instant.

"We want you to have these as welcoming gifts," she said as she handed Alice the smaller of the two. Alice opened the lid to find a set of elaborately decorated hat pins. She squealed in delight, and for the second time in as many days, hugged both Carlisle and Esme.

"I hope you like them," Esme said as she handed me the box. I popped off the lid and felt a stab of anxiety from Alice at the same moment that a wave of triumph came from Edward.

There in the box, sitting innocuously in tissue paper, were two furry loafers.

"Edward said you admired mine, so we got you your own. The fur on the inside is particularly comfortable," said Carlisle with a happy smile.

I looked at Edward who was chuckling behind Esme. The coward would hide behind his mother. He laughed harder.

"They're wonderful, Carlisle," said Alice. Then she shot me a glare.

"Thank you," I squeaked, and then lowered my voice to its normal timbre. "I've never gotten loafers before."

"We thought you could wear them while you watch television," Esme smiled. I forced myself to smile back. I could not be mad at them, and didn't want to disappoint her. I promised myself that I was going to remove an appendage of Edward's as soon as I could.

"They look so soft," gushed Rosalie.

Alice removed them from the box and stepped hard on my foot as she handed them to me.

"I've never owned _anything_ soft before," I acquiesced. I slowly bent to remove my boots and my dignity.

This place might be Alice's heaven, but it was my hell.

* * *

Poor Jasper.

WARNING, rather long A/N.

I must apologize for taking so long in posting this chapter. My hope was to have it ready around the fourth of June, and I totally blew it. However, it was for a good reason, and I would like to explain why.

This story was meant to end in a chapter or two, when Alice and Jasper are married. As I began to think about how to end it, I realized that, though they had reached their Happily Ever After at the wedding, they still had some growing to do as individuals, and the story had some unfinished parts. I also realized that I hadn't done the wonderful interplay between the family members justice. So, I began to rework this chapter and plan out a slightly longer version of Coalescence, one that showed more resolution of both Alice and Jasper not just as a couple, but as individuals. To do that, I would need to extend the story by a _few_ chapters into the Twilight timeline and show a little of Bella's effect on them.

All of this means that I needed to make sure this new story line would work with the old one and that I was really committed to showing a portion of Edward's and Bella's story. So, for the last two weeks, I have re-drawn out the story of Coalescence to include this small part because it is an important part of who Alice and Jasper are.

On the plus side, the chapters should post MUCH faster now.


	19. Chapter 19: Battling the Monster Within

Hello Readers!

**I gave in to the dark side and now have a twitter. You can follow me at KaylaOpenhome. It will be very boring, trust me.**

Thanks to Remylebeauishot, Vanessa James, Mistral123 and EverAndAlways for beta reading! You readers have no idea how many words these beautiful ladies slog through to get these chapters right.

Stephenie Meyer owns all the Twilight characters and plot. I own a lost kitten that I'm very allergic to and my family adores. (Trust me, they have made it clear they will choose her over me)

* * *

We stood across from each other in the empty room, glaring and stiff. Between us, on the floor, was the innocent looking box that contained the heinous foot wear I'd been given. I could feel Edward's gloating joy rush up from the floor below me.

"There is no way, Alice," I said in an almost silent whisper as her eyes flicked to the package.

"They meant for these to be a welcome gift for you, and you can't refuse them."

"Edward did not mean for these to be a welcome gift. He knew exactly what he was doing."

"Esme and Carlisle meant them as a gift."

"And I thanked them. I even put the vile things on for them, but I will not wear furry slippers every night. I am a _vampire_." I nearly hissed out the last word. We were trying to keep our voices low enough that Esme and Carlisle couldn't hear us. I didn't care what Edward thought of the whole thing.

Her mouth was pressed into a thin line as her eyes darted from me to the loafers. She finally let out a huge sigh and stomped a foot.

"Fine! If you wear them, I promise to never touch your boots. Ever," she said morosely.

"Really?" This must have been important to her.

She stared at the boots that rarely left my feet and slumped. "Promise."

I looked at her, unsure I could really trust that promise.

"You said ever. That means _for_ever. You really mean forever?" Furry slippers might be an appropriate compromise if it meant that my eternal boot vigilance could come to an end. I loved my boots.

I could feel Edward's amusement at the whole thing. He was playing his piano pretending to happily relax, but I knew just was he was doing. He chuckled.

Alice chewed on her bottom lip as she stared at my boots. Finally, she took a deep breath, crossed her arms and said, "Fine. Forever. Your boots will be safe forever. Cross my heart and hope to die."

"That promise only works if you have a heart and are actually alive."

She stuck out her tongue at me. The "alive" comment was a running argument between us. "I said your boots are safe, and they are."

I walked over to the offensive box and pulled out the slippers. A slight feeling close to nausea hit me as I ran my fingers over the fur. Safe boots were worth this, I reminded myself as I pulled off my boots and put on the things. I refused to admit to myself that they felt rather comfortable.

Edward laughed.

The need for revenge flooded me.

I looked at Alice, who was smiling at me, and felt the old wonder at her beauty return. Now that the family wasn't surrounding us, my need to feel both her body and soul overwhelmed me.

Then, I realized that I could kill two birds with one stone.

She felt me, of course, and came into my waiting embrace, melting against me. I was immensely glad for the Oriental rug we had brought home.

I waited for the moment of my revenge as we slowly undressed each other. I could feel Edward's mild discomfort and smiled at the future potential of that.

When her body was fully against mine, I sent out a potent thrust of sheer lust so strong that it was undeniable. She cried out and kissed me fervently. A crash came from Rosalie's room and a loud gasp sounded from Carlisle's room.

Edward groaned.

I did it again, and Alice pushed me down on the floor. "What are you doing?" she asked between breathless kisses.

"Loving you," I answered. "I need you."

My own passion was no longer forced. Edward called me a rude name.

"I need you too, but what are you doing to Edward and why will he run screaming from the house?"

"I'm teaching him one of the world's greatest truths; 'Old age and treachery will overcome youth and skill every time.'"

As I gave myself to the growing need, I sent it out and let it grow around me. Frustration so strong it bordered on painful rose to greet me from below. Edward let out a gurgling howl, and then I heard the door slam below and the trees rustle as he ran away.

Edward wasn't anywhere around the next day. I was oblivious to his absence until I felt Alice's body stir against mine as the last of the colors between us faded into the gray light of dawn. I had missed her more than I had realized. From the other two rooms, I could feel an odd mix of elation and embarrassment; from Emmett, gratitude and awe.

"I don't know whether I should hit you or ask you to do that again," sighed my mate.

"Everyone else seems happy about it," I mumbled into her hair. I positioned her over me so that we could look at each other. "Do you have any more of that baby oil?"

She rolled her eyes at me. "Baby oil is for places we don't mind ruining. This is a very expensive rug, and I won't have us ruining it with oil."

I looked down at the woolen rug with its intricate pattern. The thing had withstood us well. The loft was a little mashed, but there were no rips or bare spots.

"So, since we are putting good furniture in this room, baby oil is..."

"An outside toy."

"Spoilsport."

The shower in Esme's room began to run, and Alice gave me a peck on the nose. "Are you ready to start our new day with the family?"

"Do you really want me to answer that?"

She smacked my chest and slid off of me. A second later, our shower was also running. I flopped my head back with a huff. She would probably demand that I bathe as well.

"Nope. You and Carlisle will be digging the foundation for Edward's bedroom today after the rains pass."

"So, now you're a mind reader, too?"

"I just know you," she said as she turned off the water. A second later she purposefully stepped over me, dripping wet, and gave me a wonderful peek.

"Thank you."

She turned and gave me a naughty look before throwing on her clothes. I wished for a few more hours of darkness.

When we made it downstairs in time to send off Rosalie and Emmett, the room was silent. I wanted to avoid Emmett at all costs, but Alice wouldn't wait.

"Sunny by four," warned Alice as she reached the bottom step. It was lightly drizzling outside, but the clouds were thinning. "You will need to load the truck quickly."

"Load the truck with what?" asked Emmett without looking at us. No one was looking at us.

"Cement; Carlisle and Jasper will dig the foundation out today."

"We will?" Carlisle turned to his mate.

"Well, since you both will be here, I thought maybe you could get a start on it," she said with a small shrug.

The room fell into an uncomfortable silence.

"Did everyone have a good night?" Alice asked a little too brightly. She did that on purpose.

The room instantly filled with brittle embarrassment, and suddenly, four pairs of yellow eyes fixated on odd spots in the room. Emmett slowly walked over and put his arm around me. His face contorted as he tried to come up with something to say. Finally, he shook my shoulders and uttered a very sincere, "Thank you." Then he nodded and strode out the door with his arm around Rosalie.

That vampire touched way too much. It was creepy.

Alice snorted. She was an essentially evil elf. "So, shall we paint today, Esme?" she asked, as if nothing had happened.

"Oh, yes, that's a great idea," Esme said much too enthusiastically.

"The drizzle is already slowing. You two should be able to start in a few minutes," chirped Alice.

"We can, can we?" Carlisle's voice was light and mocking.

Alice eyed him. "You'll both need to change. It will still be wet, but you will be fine."

Mud. Terrific.

The girls went back upstairs to change and start transforming Edward's old room into our new one.

Carlisle's mood matched mine as he tried not to notice I was in the room with him. I was fine with that.

After several minutes, he cleared his throat. "So, last night. Was that ... normal?" His calm voice cracked a bit.

"That was normal for Alice and me." I looked at a painting Esme had done and tried to ignore the feelings coming from Carlisle.

"It was... um... I don't think the English language has the words for that."

"It was for Edward."

"Ah, well, then I suppose I will leave it to you two to work things out. Either way, a little warning next time would be helpful."

"How would you like me to warn you?" I asked, trying to keep the smirk on my face from sounding in my voice.

"I don't know, but I need a warning. Esme nearly killed me," he chuckled. "Not that I don't truly appreciate that." We both cast sideways glances at each other before returning to watching the dust settle on the walls.

"Maybe a secret tap," I mused.

"Anything will do, really, just about anything." He turned to me with a smile and walked into the washroom to gather what looked to be rubber pants with boots, and then headed out to a shed and began loading construction materials into a wheel barrow.

"Are we going to build the addition ourselves?"

"Yes - we thought it best. Esme drew up the blue prints... last night," he said that while intently focused on wooden stakes. "It will give the kids something to do for the next few days."

He looked at me. "You will want some of these rubber boots or waders. It gets messy when we play in the dirt." I nodded and quickly went in to get the waders. The things were incredibly baggy and annoying, and for a moment, I considered leaving them behind. After wearing fuzzy slippers while watching Ed Sullivan, though, waders seemed fairly harmless. It was a strange business being a vampire in this coven.

By the time I returned, he was already measuring the edges of the new room. It would go behind the kitchen.

Within minutes, we had the room roughly laid out, and Carlisle was calling his mate to see if the markers were spaced right. Then, we dug. By the early afternoon, Esme declared the hole perfect and ready for the cement Emmett would bring. Carlisle and I hadn't spoken much during our work, but the silence wasn't awkward. It was made of a strange feeling; a brotherhood forged in mud, like the kind I had once felt with my own troops during training. I had a strong feeling that the old man had done this on purpose.

I felt Alice behind us as we washed off the tools. Then I heard her giggle. "Do you have any idea at all of how you look?"

I looked over at Carlisle. He was a mess of dark mud and lighter sand, a man-shaped blob with golden eyes. I put my hand up to my hair and felt odd strands poking up, held in place by thick mud that was caked to every part of me.

Alice laughed again, and a fresh chunk of the stuff hit my chest. By the time I looked up, she was already in the house.

"Be happy we did this without Emmett," Carlisle said as he walked past me. "They nearly dug the whole foundation during one massive mud fight. The only problem was that they did it in the wrong spot. Shall we go clean off in the stream?" He walked past me and led the way to the small stream, which he entered with the waders. He stripped off his ruined shirt and tossed it aside, and I followed suit. We would both need new shirts; Alice would be thrilled.

"It won't take all the dirt off, but at least we won't plug the drains," Carlisle said. I plunged my head into the stream and rubbed as hard as I could. When I came back up, the rivulets of water that ran down my chest were almost clear.

I felt a sudden rush of emotion from Carlisle and turned to see him staring at my scars.

"They cover me," I said simply. "Not so much on my legs, but they mark the whole of me." I turned back to rinse again, even though it wasn't necessary.

"Does Alice know?" The words were no more than a whisper.

I looked up into his eyes and saw inordinate compassion there.

"We've been mates for two years, she knows every scar."

"Does she know not all of them were from battles?"

A shiver of cold ran through me. "How did you know?"

"I've been a doctor and a vampire for a long time. I know the marks of torture when I see them. Who did that to you?" he asked, correctly pointing to the pattern of scars that ran the length of my body. I was prepared this time to hold back the onslaught of terror that those scars always brought on. Still, I had to close my eyes and focus my mind before answering.

"My maker. Maria ordered it done to me, though I didn't know it. I wasn't a very cooperative soldier at first."

"I thought so. If you had been captured, they would have burned more and bitten less." He looked more closely. "Your fingers, as well?"

I nodded, re-living the pain of those days, as I was ripped apart, bitten, and slowly put back together, only to have it done again. Maria had orchestrated my "capture," and then had come and pretended to rescue me. She nursed me back to health as she began to love me and feed me the lies that kept me bound to her. It was three decades before I saw her order it done to another and learned the truth. By that time, I thought of her as a strong leader for having it done to me.

"It really wasn't your choice, was it?" His voice was like velvet.

"By the time she_ rescued_ me, I was nearly mad with pain, thirst and the need for revenge. She told me it was one of her enemies who had damaged me, so I attacked them as soon as I was healed. By the time I knew that she had arranged it, I no longer even cared. I chose this life, Carlisle, but it took some... convincing." I looked into his golden eyes. "Whatever you do, don't tell Alice," I pleaded.

"I will make sure no one ever knows, if that is your wish. If I may ask you, just now, your memories of your past almost overtook you, didn't they?"

I nodded.

"That happened at the Council Rocks as well?"

"Yes. I have spent years trying to bury my past, to hide it away in a far, dark place in my mind. For some reason, those memories keep rushing out. They are stronger here, and I can't control them as well."

"Do you have any control over when they emerge?" he asked, sounding professional.

"Not always," I said and looked down at the clean, rushing water. It was so clear, so untainted. My words rushed out, as uncontrolled as the water below me. "Something triggers them, like your question or a familiar place. At the Council Rocks it was the layout of the place. Maria used places like that carry out her brand of justice."

"What happens when the memories overtake you?"

"When they breach my... defenses, they are much more powerful than normal memories. It's like I am there again, living through it." I shifted my feet in the sand and began to walk to shore. I was done sharing.

"You should tell Alice," he said abruptly. "Trust your mate."

I said nothing as we walked back to the house. Alice was waiting outside, a smirk on her perfect face. Carlisle began to walk towards the door.

"Esme said, 'Don't you dare,'" she relayed. Carlisle sighed and took off the waders and hung them on the clothesline. I did the same and started to follow him inside. Alice watched me closely, smiling a secretive little smile and pulled me to the side before I was able to enter the house.

"The others won't return for at least two hours," she said coyly.

"I'm filthy," I reminded her.

"Esme told me about a small waterfall near here, and I thought you could clean up a bit there."

"They will be pouring cement this afternoon, so what's the point?"

"Baby oil is the point," she said with a roll of her eyes. She pulled out the small bottle of soft smelling oil.

"I suppose clean has its advantages."

She smiled and disappeared into the woods. I followed like the well trained dog I was.

"No," I heard Alice gasp and turned to see her cringe at something.

"Uh-oh, that's going to take a while to clean out," laughed Rosalie from behind me. I looked over to see Edward's head slowly emerge from the poured cement as two trees toppled from Emmett's hasty retreat.

Edward roared, shook off the cement, and shot after his brother. Part of me wanted to follow; Edward would most probably catch Emmett, and that was a fight I wanted to see. Some small part of me also would have loved to participate in it.

"Not again," moaned Esme. "If they don't knock that off, we are never going to get this to set right."

"Actually, it might go faster without them," Carlisle said as he pulled the skimmer across the hole left by Edward's face.

"Wonder how this one will end," laughed Rosalie, perfectly at peace with the fact that her mate was probably fighting another vampire at the moment.

Alice giggled, and then burst out laughing. "You know all those old paintings of naked gods and goddesses holding leaves up to hide their parts? That's how it ends."

"When?"

Alice looked at the sun. "About forty minutes. They will come out of the woods right over there, trying to sneak into the house."

"I'll get the lawn chairs," said Rosalie as she poured the final tub of cement into the foundation. "This is better than Ed Sullivan any day."

She was right about that.

Just as Alice predicted, the boys came loping through the forest, heading for the house. We heard Edward's soft exclamation several hundred yards away.

"It's not anything we haven't seen before, Edward," Rosalie called out. She was clearly enjoying herself.

"Lawn chairs?" he called back in disgust.

"You wantin' a peep show, baby girl?" Emmett asked happily.

"You betcha," purred Rosalie.

"No!" roared Alice and Esme at the same time. I wondered if modesty was a mood that I could instill. Probably not.

I heard sharp snaps come from the forest, and soon two pale glittering bodies could be seen coming at us through the trees. They emerged just as Alice said, holding pine branches over their indecent parts. Laughter erupted around me. I noted that Edward's ears were almost plugged with concrete. Surprisingly, I could not see one bite mark on Emmett.

Emmett strutted through us, grinning like a mad man. Edward skulked behind him. Just as they got to the door, Emmett turned and saluted us all. Then he bowed with a flourish. Edward's face scowled in disgust as the huge man gave him a full shot of his backside.

A loud crack sounded, and Emmett's face plowed into the ground. Behind him, Edward brought his foot back down, whirled around and disappeared into the house. Emmett followed so fast that we heard the crash of a window on the other side before the door had even begun to close.

My standoff with Edward continued until the end of the school year. The "children" would dutifully head off every morning with a weather report from Alice. Every afternoon, they would come home with a truck full of supplies to work on Edward's room. Carlisle returned to his duties at the hospital Thursday night, leaving the evening activities to be watched over by Esme. He would not leave until he was sure the others would be here and behave. I knew he was staying behind to protect his mate. I would have done the same.

Edward made it a habit of leaving the house before we all went to our rooms for the night.

During the day, I was kept very busy. While Esme and Alice painted and schemed over design catalogues, I would work on the room or work in the yard as Esme directed. She was a slave driver when it came to the work, but it was pleasant enough. My only concern was my growing thirst, which didn't come from my throat, but rather my circumstance.

Our furniture was scheduled to arrive mid-June, and Edward's room was almost finished by Friday morning, so we planned a family vacation to the mountain range between Mt. Adams and Mt. St. Helens after school let out. We would go ahead of Carlisle, who needed to finish his duties before joining us. For the momentous trip, Emmett purchased three army jeeps from the surplus store in Portland.

I couldn't imagine why we needed jeeps, but he insisted on them. Once he had them home, he filled the backs with tents, various balls and an armload of bats. The entire family was eager to go and be vampires for a while. Their concept of being a vampire, though, was fundamentally wrong.

Saturday evening, the three jeeps, full of toys and vampires, headed for the smorgasbord that is the Cascade wilderness. I drove, trying to hide my disgust at eating animals again, and Alice enjoyed the open air of the jeep.

"It would have been faster to run," I grumbled after yet another curve on the rough mountain road.

"It's hard to carry balls when you run," she said.

"Most vampires don't worry about the balls; you do know that, right?"

"Most vampires don't play sports and have good clean fun."

"That's because most vampires are normal."

We arrived at the right location with a sudden stop. The road had been changing from gravel to dirt and then to two small tire tracks. Finally, there was nothing but bushes and a rock face rising above them. We were at the base of Mt. Adams. The moon was just setting as we climbed out of the jeeps, and the mountainous terrain was bathed in blue starlight.

"It's beautiful," whispered Alice as she brought me our backpacks. She was lovely in the starlight. Her skin glowed, and her dark hair framed her beautiful face as it reflected the starlight in small twinkles. I could have looked at her all night, but Emmett was in a hurry to get us into the middle of nowhere.

"He wants a few bears before Carlisle comes and tells him not to overeat," said Edward as he pulled his backpack on.

"Isn't that a little ironic?" I asked.

"It's his favorite for just that reason," laughed Esme.

"Are you bums ready yet?" yelled Emmett. He threw each of us an assorted array of sporting equipment. I got a bundle of tightly bound sticks with bulbous ends.

"Golf clubs," Edward said with a smile.

I closed my eyes and suppressed my urge to crush the things. If anyone from my former life had ever seen me with golf clubs, they would have attacked me on the sissy factor alone. Alice caught the huge bag of golf balls.

"We'll head to base camp first, and then we can hunt and go off to play," ordered Emmett. He slapped on a coon hat and tried to look commanding. Esme giggled as Alice moaned. I tried to come to terms with the fact that I was following a vampire wearing a raccoon.

We went single file, with me bringing up the rear, and Edward walking between Alice and his family. I admired his desire to protect, but Emmett should have been the one in front of me.

Edward turned back to scowl at me.

_Nothing personal, he's just bigger._

We began a slow run, ascending through an invisible path that Emmett seemed to follow on instinct alone. Perhaps this was the reason for his taking the lead here. As we ran, Alice began to pull forward a bit, her face showing the conversation she was having with Edward. I watched, uncertain and alarmed as she ran forward to pace Esme. Edward dropped back to my front flank.

I was instantly alert and ready to attack if need be.

He sighed. "I just want to talk with you, apparently," he said, sounding annoyed.

"Apparently?"

"Alice had a vision. Because she had the vision of me being here, here I am. How often do the visions cause themselves?"

"A lot. It gets rather confusing," I confessed.

He laughed, an open and happy sound, and I let my defenses drop.

"Thank you."

"You're welcome," I said, wondering what had caused her to have a vision of this. Surely there had to be a point.

"I think the point is for me to apologize for the incident at the Council Rocks. I really was out of line, and I'm sorry."

_Bet those words tasted bitter._

"Yes, they did,"

I wasn't expecting it. His words were honest and his mood was amused, and he was apologizing to me. Vampires don't usually make it a habit of apologizing.

"Most vampires don't have to live with Esme," he chuckled. "Or Alice. She has a very persistent mind. I've never met anyone who can nag like she can."

I dared not respond to that. He chuckled again.

"I wasn't really angry at you," he continued.

"Yes you were. I'm really good at reading emotions, and that one was anger. Actually, you were a few steps beyond angry; you were ready to attack me."

"I wasn't prepared for you, not at all. I have seen war and death in a thousand minds. I've even been in the minds of murderers, but what you have done and seen was beyond anything I had ever witnessed. The violence and the carnage shocked me. All I could think of was that you were bringing this evil into my family. In the midst of all the memories of what you were, I forgot to listen to the man you are."

"You are the only member of this family that has realistically reacted to what I am. There is no need to apologize for hating me for what I was or for wanting to protect your family," I wanted to stay angry at the youngster, but without the rage, he was moderately easy to be around.

"Thanks."

_Except for that_.

"But I wasn't angry with you," he explained, ignoring my last thought. "I feared you and was ready to fight you, but the one I was angry at was me."

I didn't understand. I looked over at him. He had a small smile on his face that was slightly daring, as if he wanted me to try and guess his secret.

I decided not to play and continued on with the march.

"Alice is right, you are melodramatic," he said with a roll of his eyes. "I was angry at myself because I felt like you were not good enough for us when you first came here. Your own thoughts were along those lines, and I assumed that I was right; you shouldn't have come to us. When I began to see the place you came from and the things you did, it only confirmed my belief that you had no right to my family, but then the feelings of your victims came to me, and they were the same as what I had done. I was angry because I am no better than you, and I don't deserve this family either."

_That's complicated._

He shrugged, "It's the truth. I don't trust you, not at all. I think you have the potential to do great harm to my family, and your bloodlust is only barely controlled. However, you have just as much a right to my family as I do, and that still really irks me."

"So, I think you are a spoiled rich kid with dangerous powers and you think I'm a dangerous powder keg set to go off, but we're okay with each other because we're both inherently evil and don't deserve what we both have. Is that about it?"

"That sums it up nicely," he said with a wry smile. The ambivalent amusement was there, but no trace of anger.

"I suppose it could be worse," I said with a shrug. "I suppose you could be a spoiled rich kid with dangerous powers who acted like Emmett."

"I heard that!" yelled Emmett.

We both ran on in silence, trying to maintain the fragile truce.

The area of the home base was a large outcropping on the western face of Mt. Adams. It was near the summit, and there was still snow here in the higher elevations. There was a shack made of sturdy branches that nestled against the side of the mountain. Emmett threw his footballs into the small shelter and then turned to us.

"Stash the stuff you don't need here and then go set up camp," he said curtly. "We meet back here at oh-seven-hundred."

_Who is he fooling?_

Edward shrugged.

"I told Alice of a special spot at the base of the mountain that you could go to, Jasper," Esme said with a happy smile. "Rosalie and Emmett usually take the summit. Edward stays here at the base camp, and Carlisle and I will be by the waterfalls just east of here."

"So, we are really going to set up tents?" I couldn't believe that vampires would do such things. Tents were the most ridiculously fragile things a vampire could live in.

"We need to look normal to any humans that might find us here," Rosalie explained. "We don't actually use the tent. We would rip them to shreds in minutes. They are just to keep people from wondering about us."

"It's just another small trick to keep people from knowing about us," added Esme.

Eating any humans that came by would have taken less work.

The spot Esme told us about was mesmerizing in its beauty. It was thickly forested with a floor of soft pine needles in the deep shadows under the trees. A quickly flowing stream cut the valley floor almost in half, and its sound echoed up the valley's walls like a deep laugh.

"It's perfect," Alice said, radiating happiness. She was very excited and happy to be here. Of course, she _liked_ bear.

She turned her angelic face to me, and my stomach did its familiar flutter as I watched her. She danced over to me, seeming not to even touch the earth under her feet.

"I know what you've done for me," she began. "I know you still hate it here, and that this isn't a good place for vampires, and no vampire should ever act like these people. I know what it costs you to stay here with me, and I love you even more for it." Her adoration of me was so strong it was almost physically warm as it pulsed through the air.

I set my backpack down, and her fingers found my chest before I could even stand back up. She was looking at me intently.

"I mean it, Jasper. Thank you. I don't deserve this happiness, but you helped me find it anyway."

"You deserve so much more than I can ever give you," I mumbled into her hair, pulling in her scent and letting it overcome me.

"Tell me the truth, Jasper. Do you hate it here?" she implored.

"No, I honestly don't hate it." I struggled for the words to describe what I felt around the family. "Having a mind reader around is flat out annoying. Rosalie still feels like rotting food looks, and Emmett is going to drive me nuts. Carlisle is still a mystery to me, but I do like Esme."

"Well, at least there is one thing here you like," she laughed and hit my chest. "Now, tell me the truth."

I took a breath, filling myself with her. Perhaps Carlisle was right, though I hated that thought. "It's hard being in a coven again. The memories of my past come at me at odd times, and that is hard to deal with."

"Is that what has been bothering you? Memories?"

"Uh-hum," I said as my fingers began to wander down her back. "I know you saw a lot of what I did with her coven at the end of my time there, but there was so much more that you didn't see, so much that I never want you to know about. Those memories come at me when I don't expect them to, and it's hard to work through. I don't want to be trapped by my past, but I can't seem to get away."

"How is this coven similar to Maria's?"

"It's not. That's the frustrating thing. Nothing about this coven should remind me of my life there, but the memories keep overtaking me. It's almost as if the moment I relax here, my past erupts to ruin it."

"What can I do to help you?" she asked, sounding desperate.

"I'm not going to leave," I said to comfort her. There was nothing more she could do to help me feel at home here.

"I'm not worried about you wanting to leave," she said. "I don't even see it. I just want you to be happy here."

"Alice, the only way for me to be happy is to be at your side. This is my coven and you are my mate, and I am happy with both."

"_Happy_ happy, or your version of happy?"

"How am I supposed to answer that?"

"Just tell me if you are really happy. You know, _happy_ happy."

I hated it when she did this. "I don't even know what _happy _happy means."

She rolled her eyes at me. "It means, that you are really, honestly happy, not Jasper happy."

"What exactly is Jasper happy?"

"Stop being such a male! It's that happy thing you do where you are really still sad or angry or annoyed, but you act all happy. You're not fooling anyone, you know," she added with a raised eyebrow.

"I'm happy here," I said, hoping to end the confusing discussion. Her other eyebrow went up and she sighed.

"Fine."

"Alice, even though I can manipulate a lot of emotions, you need to understand that I don't feel them. I'm a man; men just don't _do_ emotions like women. Trust me, I've felt both, and I know the difference. I'm man, and I'm man-style happy."

"Man happy?"

"Yeah, man happy. I don't need to laugh and giggle with the guys to bond with them, because men don't bond like that. We do things and compete and try to kill each other. We bond in violence. It's fun."

"You have a weird sense of fun," she laughed. "Maybe we shouldn't worry so much about your past and focus a little on our future," she said with a half-smile.

"And what do you see in that future?"

"Active bonding," she giggled.

"The only one I want to actively bond with is you," I said as I kissed her.

"Oh, we will be very active," she purred. "I can see that for certain, but I can also see that you will get very active with Emmett, too."

I groaned. "I was wrong. _That_ image is enough to make me leave."

"Please stop yelling 'Fore.'" Carlisle's voice was taking on a pained tone.

"You're supposed to warn other golfers," Emmett said with a grin, egging his father on.

"Exactly _who _do you think you're warning?"

Emmett just huffed and turned back to the mountain range. "Dead white pine with the lightning strike," he said, indicating the tree a mile away on a ridge that was our next "hole." Emmett took aim, mumbled "Fore," and then swung the club so hard that the shaft bent. The branches on the side of the tree snapped and a small puff of white showed where the ball disintegrated against it.

"Hole in one!" Emmett crowed.

"You hit the branch, not the trunk, that's a two stroke penalty," said Esme at his side. They began arguing over the vague rules of vampire golf.

I went last, and by the time my ball smashed into the tree, there was only a deformed trunk left. As we ran to the broken tree to find our next goal, I realized how much that mangled, scarred trunk looked like me.

After four days of hunting and playing with the Cullens, I was feeling just as mangled as the tree we had destroyed. I could have enjoyed myself out here, I _should_ have enjoyed myself, but I couldn't. My past had risen in me, and it was chipping away at the joy of the present. I found myself wrestling with my past as I tried to hide it from everyone around me. There was no release from the conflict: the blood was too bland and my memories were too strong. I was very full, and totally unsatisfied. It took all my years of discipline to keep my agitation hidden.

I was also frustrated by the interplay between Edward and Alice. Having him in my head was bad enough, but having him in hers was maddening. I could not stand the idea of Edward knowing my mate better than me. The anger of our first few days had passed, and they were beginning to use their gifts in unison, like a game between them. A game I wasn't a part of.

The issue wasn't the vampires I was with, but rather simply being around a coven again. I was starting to become familiar with them, to be at ease with their presence. I was even beginning to care for the vampires around me. Yet, as soon as I relaxed and let my guard down, something, some minor scent or motion, brought back my past. I wanted to relax among them, to fit in as Alice did, but instead, I found myself having to block memory after painful memory as the hours passed. I could not relax and let my guard drop.

The frustrating thing was that I was also having a good time playing strange games that no vampire should play. Much to my dismay, I found that I did enjoy them. I found myself envious of their freedom, of their lives. I wanted to laugh as they did, to play without reservation, but I couldn't. I finally understood what Alice saw in this coven, and I wanted to have a small part of what they had, but my past, now unleashed, wouldn't let me.

Each passing hour, the differences between the Cullens and myself became more apparent, and my chances at ever finding a place among them became smaller. Somehow, hunting animals among these golden eyed, fun loving vampires made me need the blood of humans all the more. The monster within me was screaming for the release that only human blood could give me. The pain of killing no longer seemed like a high price for the ecstasy, the state of complete bliss that I could only find in murder. Once again, I was becoming the demon among angels.

I shoved the thoughts aside to try and hide them from everyone around me, though I knew Edward picked up on some of them.

"We could try football," suggested Emmett after the last golf club was bent and unusable. I was instantly wary, football meant physical contact, and I wasn't sure I was ready for that yet.

"Better to find that out here than in Esme's yard," Edward whispered. He was looking forward to the game, and his exuberance was hard to ignore.

"Football would be great," said Rosalie. "We only have one day left, so why not have a game before night?"

"It will take a while to get a field ready, so we'd better get to it," agreed Emmett. His exuberance was double that of Edward's, but I knew it was because he was itching to have a wrestling match with me. Either way, I knew I was going to end up touching Emmett more than I wanted.

Football, and all it entailed, came all too soon.

We marched off to a marshy clearing that was just now drying out from the spring thaw. The Cullens seemed to have a thing for mud. I wasn't pleased with the situation. I knew it was risky because Edward and Alice kept exchanging glances, and I wasn't sure how I would react to a body slamming into mine, or hers. I had seen the game, of course, and it involved much more physical contact than I was comfortable with. Alice might have been teasing about active bonding, but I wasn't.

"You played before?" asked Emmett, driving me from my thoughts. Carlisle and Esme drove logs into the ground at the two ends of the long clearing to use as goal posts.

"Nope, but I've seen it played by humans." I pulled my boot from the muck with a loud sucking noise. "This is going to be messy."

"Oh, yeah it is," he said with a wink. Vampires shouldn't wink.

"Getting muddy is half the fun," said Rosalie. "Cleaning each other up is the second half." She kissed her mate seductively and sauntered to the center of the field.

"It's the game that keeps on giving," laughed Emmett as he watched her go. "Now, this is a football, and the goal is to get the football through your goal." He handed it to me, so I threw it easily across the field and through the two trees.

"You can't kick it or throw it," Emmett said, "'cause that makes it too easy. You have to run it in. We start at the other team's goal post with a normal snap to the quarterback, and then all hell breaks loose as the quarterback tosses the ball to others who try to get it to the other side of the field. When you try to run, the other team will try to tackle you to the ground. You have four chances to try to run it in before the other team gets to try it. We'll show you a play first," he added, nodding to both Alice and me.

With that, the coven took positions across from each other, and tried to demonstrate the subtleties of the game. Football Cullen style was more like an open wrestling match with the goal being to crush the life out of a helpless ball.

After ten minutes of playing, the five mounds of laughing dirt rose from the muck and motioned for us to join. I looked at Alice and saw hesitation in her face for the first time since we joined the coven.

"'Bout time you got some sense," I hissed.

"_This_ is supposed to be fun?"

"It's your coven, you tell me."

She looked at me for a moment, and then slowly began slogging through the mud. I left my boots behind. I was willing to sacrifice a lot of things for Alice, but right now my boots weren't one of them.

It was quickly decided that Alice and Edward would be on opposite teams. I stood close by Alice as Esme snapped the ball to Carlisle, our quarterback. The feelings were lighthearted around me, but the very idea of Alice getting tackled by another vampire was bothering me. Carlisle caught the muddy ball and darted left, avoiding Rosalie's rush at him. I saw Alice flash past me as the ball flew at her. A thunderous crash sounded over the field as Emmett plowed into Carlisle. Alice tried to run the ball up the field, but a faster mud form began to intercept, I threw myself at the form, and caught it by the heel. Edward and I fell into the mud. Something stepped on me as it ran over us, but I couldn't tell whom it was. I pulled myself from the mud just in time to see Alice tackled by Rosalie just after she threw the ball to Esme.

It was all I could do to maintain my composure as I saw them both fall, but they came up squealing with laughter. Mud hit me from the side where Emmett had tackled Esme. The ball was under them, one third of the way up the field.

"See? Nothing to worry about, old man," laughed Edward as he stood and got into position by his siblings. They were all having a wonderful time, and their enthusiasm began to lift my mood.

The next play, Carlisle threw the ball to me, and before I could even turn, Emmett's huge grin filled my view. Alice knew it was coming, of course, and snatched the ball from me as I fell. I found myself in a wrestling match with a very strong, very unskilled fighter who laughed incessantly. It was like trying to wrestle the electric agitator on Esme's washing bucket.

He fought like a newborn, which was well suited to his strength, and even better suited to my skills. With a deft twist, I was on him pulling an arm back. He flailed around, but my grip was firm. He then bucked straight up and over onto his back, a good move if I hadn't been trained to recognize it. As he dove backwards, I dove forwards, landing on his chest ready to fight. He would have been more of a threat if he hadn't been nearly roaring with laughter.

"You should have seen your face!" he bellowed, pointing at me. I began to chuckle.

"You looked like the deer I ate this morning," giggled Rosalie. They were all laughing. There was no fear, no aggression and no pride. Simply playful fun.

My laughter surprised me.

So did Emmett's hands as he clapped my shoulders.

"We don't hurt our own," he said quietly. "You and Alice are perfectly safe from harm, and you need to get over your issues with touch. You're too much like Edward." He gave me a wry smile before heading back to his position. There was an odd look to him, and it took me a moment to realize what had changed in him. There was a playful wisdom dancing in his eyes.

Then I realized he said I was like Edward.

By the time Esme called halftime, we scored twice, and I had wrestled a dozen times with various members of the other team. The only ones who did not directly attack me were Esme and Edward. Even Carlisle got in a shot. The old man was much more conniving than I gave him credit for.

I was enjoying the game, mud and all, but something very cold and dark was tugging at my mind. I stood and looked around. For a split second, the pine trees around us changed form and became the drooping, moss-covered trees of a Louisiana swamp. Edward's sharp intake of breath brought me back to the mountain meadow. He nodded at me, and I returned the nod, hoping to hide what I felt. I cleared my mind and attempted to stay in the present. I did not want to relive that battle. Not now.

We switched sides, and began the game again, but this time, the mud held more than sticky dirt for me. This time, I was in two places at once.

I was playing football in the soft twilight on a mountain meadow.

I was caught in a trap in the vile mud of a Louisiana swamp in a battle to get access to New Orleans.

The ball snapped and Carlisle sent it sailing to me. I caught it and ran through the mud towards the goal.

We ran through the hanging trees, knee deep in black swamp mud, hunting down the last of the New Orleans coven. We had nearly been destroyed in this battle, and these last ones would put up a hard fight.

I heard Edward come up beside me and I hurled the ball to Alice. I twisted aside just in time and avoided his lunge at me.

I saw movement in the sludge to my right and called out a warning to my few remaining soldiers, but it was too late.

I heard Alice laugh as she dodged past Emmett. Emmett roared in frustration and tried to turn on the mud, with disastrous results.

I heard the sucking sound of bodies rising from the muck and the shrill scream of death from one of the newborns. I twisted away as a body lunged at me from below. There were too many, and we were too far apart.

I saw Alice race across the goal line, and Rosalie plow into her, unable to stop herself in the wet mud.

I saw Enrique, my lieutenant and friend of four years, taken down by two mud covered bodies. I watched him be torn apart as I fought for my life. Bodies rose around us, and the thick air filled with screams and the sounds of metallic stone.

I saw Emmett's form rise from the mud and come for me. It wasn't Emmett, but I knew it was. I tried to keep my hold on the present, but Emmett's form was too familiar, too threatening. I gave in to my instincts. I was in the stinking mud of Louisiana. He was my enemy. Two screams filled the night. I braced myself to take his head when I was caught from behind by another enemy. He had me in a strong grip, but I was stronger, I twisted his fingers back, prepared to rip them from him, when Maria's voice sounded above the shouts of war.

"No, Jasper, don't do this!"

I looked up to see Maria, but it wasn't her. Another set of strong arms held me down.

Hands held my face as I struggled against the mud and my enemies. "No Jasper, you are safe. It's me. It's me. Come back to me, Beloved."

Maria twisted into Alice, and the battle faded into the starlit night of the mountain.

_**Alice**_

Jasper came to himself at last, held down by us all. The look of terror on his face made my silent heart spasm in pain. The terror was replaced by horror as he realized what he had done.

"Flashback of a battle," Edward said curtly to Carlisle. "Let go of him," he ordered to the others.

The family stood and backed away rapidly, Emmett and Carlisle standing in front of their mates. It pained me to see their guarded stances.

"He won't hurt you," I said, my voice shaking.

Jasper stood slowly, looking utterly ashamed.

"Jasper?" Carlisle's voice was commanding. "Are you in control of yourself?"

Jasper looked at the ground and nodded.

"We pushed you too far. I'm sorry," Carlisle said, gently now.

"It isn't you," Jasper spat. "It's me. I'm sorry, so sorry." He sounded beaten.

"Jasper, you didn't do it on purpose," I said, trying to reassure everyone.

"Alice," Edward whispered. I looked up at him and he shook his head. I wasn't helping. But what could I do? I had to do something to make this right. Edward shook his head again.

"Jasper," Carlisle began, "Everyone here has made mistakes - everyone - and we will all continue to make them. You did no harm."

"I attacked a member of my coven," Jasper said, his voice almost a growl. I could feel his shame coming from him.

"Did you?"

Jasper looked up at Carlisle.

"Who did you attack?" Carlisle's voice was a mere whisper, more wind than sound.

"An enemy. It was the mud; it reminded me of a battle I nearly lost near New Orleans." Jasper's voice was toneless, dead.

"Then you have not attacked a member of our coven." Carlisle placed his hand on Jasper's shoulder. Jasper winced and pulled back, but Carlisle kept his hand there. Esme came up by her mate and smiled reassuringly at us both.

"Let's clean up. We need to break camp in the morning," said Carlisle, looking to Edward. Edward nodded his head.

Wordlessly, I led Jasper away. He followed me mechanically. No one said anything. I heard the goal logs fall as pulled Jasper into the trees and to our stream.

We said nothing as we entered the magical valley where I had loved my mate for five days. Jasper just stopped when he saw the stream.

"Let me clean you up," I urged him. This was not how I envisioned our bath.

"Jasper?" He said nothing but stepped into the stream. His boots were back at the field.

"It's so clean," he said, staring at the water. "It keeps flowing from the earth, always so clean."

"Jasper, you're scaring me," I whispered. He looked at me with sad eyes.

"I'm sorry, Beloved. I'm so sorry."

"Jasper, just tell me what is wrong. Tell me what you need." I wanted to send him my love, but he was frightening me so badly that I wasn't sure I could.

"I want this so much. I want it for you. I want it for both of us, but I can't have it. I realize that now. It's not for men like me."

"What? What isn't for you?"

"This life - it's so surreal. For a moment, I can feel so happy here, like I belong, but then my past comes back to take it all away. Men like me don't deserve this. I know that now."

"Stop saying that!" I tried to yell, but my voice cracked and came out muffled. "Jasper Whitlock, you are a good man. You are the best of men; you just don't see it yet. You deserve this life more than anyone."

"No, Alice. You're wrong. I've tried, and I can't. I can't escape my past. It was always there, waiting to overpower me. _It will always be there_. Can't you see? I can't live on animal blood. I want to, but I _can't _do it. I can't be a part of a coven of good vampires because I'm too evil. I've been lying to myself all this time. I am beyond redemption, Alice."

I pulled Jasper down onto a rock and wrapped my arms around him, holding him to me as I knelt before him. My breath was coming in hitches. "No, Jasper. It's not true. I know you, I know your feelings and your future, and you belong here. You are worth saving, Beloved. You are worth saving."

* * *

So, were you wondering why Jasper had it so easy at first? Well, that's the way it always is in the beginning. We have taken in over a dozen broken children, and it is always perfect at first. It's when they finally feel safe and their walls come down that the hard part begins. That's the funny thing about healing, it hurts at first. A lot.

If you are wondering why I chose to write about Jasper's memories or his sudden inability to control them as I did, please look up PTSD. It hits when people either feel very afraid or very safe, and Jasper is finally beginning to feel safe. His reactions are based on my experience as a foster mother and a military wife.

Don't be mad at me about the kitten. We have LOTS of pets, including 3 other cats, and I really am allergic. We found the poor little girl stuck inside a car's engine in a parking lot. She is very cute, but she makes me sneeze like nobody's business. Thank God for Zyrtec, because I am definitely losing this battle!


	20. Chapter 20: Hidden Things

Hello all!

I have some wonderful new to share! Coalescence was nominated for a Glove Award in the Jasper Awards Category. There are some wonderful stories in all the categories. You can see the nominees and vote at http:/www (dot) thegloveawards (dot) webs (dot) com/ . As with all addresses, you must replace the (dot) with a real one .

My beta readers did it again! They pulled a mediocre chapter up to a good one. Thank you Mistral123, Vanessa James, and Remylebeaishot! Special thanks to Sarlovesoccer for being willing to help with story development.

This chapter contains a scene from Jasper's past that I created back when I was writing Singularity. I was trying to find out why Jasper could be so bad, and then change to become so good if vampires were frozen when they change. My only answer was that Jasper was a very good man with a fatal flaw, and that he was coerced into becoming the killer he was when Maria exploited that flaw. Other authors have devised similar paths for Jasper. We all came to a similar conclusion when faced with the mystery of Jasper. I have tried to keep my story from being like any others, but if you notice a similarity to another story, please understand it is only coincidental.

However, I did pattern Esme after the writings of Elise Shaw whose beautiful stories have brought her to life for me. I credit her with Esme's wisdom.

Stephenie Myers owns the Twilight series and all its characters, and a goodly portion of my soul. I own all original characters and a 15 passenger van loaded to the roof with camping stuff. Wish me luck!

* * *

_**Alice**_

Jasper finally relinquished himself to me. His body slowly curved to form itself to mine, and his arms wrapped around me with desperate strength.

"I'm sorry," he whispered into my hair over and over.

"It wasn't your fault, Jasper," I said to him. I sent him love and reassurance, hoping it would help.

"Ever since you saw this coven, you have wanted to be here. You deserve to be here, but I can't be good enough for them. They're going to find out about me, and they won't let me stay."

I pulled myself up onto his lap and wrapped my hands around his beautiful, tortured face. "They aren't angry, are they?" He didn't answer at first, but rather looked intently at me, searching for something. "Are they?" I asked again, worried that Carlisle hadn't been truthful.

"No," he said at last. "No, not even Emmett. Rosalie was the only angry one, but that's normal for her. They felt surprise and caution, but not anger. They should have been furious."

"But they weren't," I said softly. I began to stroke my fingers through the mud of his hair. "They weren't because they know what I do, that you are worth saving, Jasper Whitlock."

"I don't deserve you, Alice, I never will."

"And I will never, ever, deserve you," I said fervently, hoping this time he would believe me. Why could he not see what he meant to me? Why couldn't he see what he was?

"You deserve someone who can live with these people and _be_ one of them."

"Is that what the problem is? You don't think you can be one of them?"

"I know I can't!" His voice was full of the hate that I could feel pulsing through him. "I want this Alice. I want to be like them. I want it more than you know, but every time I get a hold of it, it slips through my fingers."

"Jasper, what slips through your fingers? What aren't you telling me?" I asked desperately.

He took a deep breath, and seemed to shudder as he slowly let it out. "I used to be able to control myself. I could keep the monster I was away from the man I am learning to become. I knew joining the Cullens would be hard because I still need human blood so much. I didn't realize that I would have to fight against every evil moment of my life just to be with them."

"I don't understand, Beloved. Why do you have to fight?" I said the words with as much love as I could. I needed to understand him. He looked at me, and I could feel him. Not the emotions coming from him, I felt him inside of me. I could now _feel_ the hole in him. He was finally letting me share his pain.

I reached out to him, driving my love and devotion into that hole in an attempt to fill it.

"I'm fighting against myself," he admitted with a ragged voice. "I'm fighting against the man I was in order to become the man I want to be. I'm losing."

"This isn't just your battle to lose. It's my battle too. You're not a lone soldier anymore, Jasper, and it's high time you let me help."

"She's right," said a gentle voice behind us. Carlisle walked out from the trees. He dropped Jasper's boots on the soft needles of the forest floor. The thud seemed to silence the forest around us.

Jasper looked at the boots, refusing to meet Carlisle's gaze.

"Trust your mate," Carlisle said. Jasper closed his eyes. I looked at Carlisle in confusion.

"Alice, you said you met many soldiers in your years of searching for us. Did any of the come out of war unscathed?" Carlisle asked me.

"No, of course not," I answered.

"You promised," Jasper hissed, still keeping his eyes closed.

"And I intend to keep that promise. I simply need for you to hear me, and for Alice to understand what I am about to say," Carlisle explained. "Jasper, you are not broken. What you are experiencing is occurring because you are finally healing." He turned his face to me, looking intently at me as if he was willing me to understand something. "When soldiers come home, they come with many scars. Some are on the outside, but most of them are inside, buried deep and never tended to. Like decaying wounds, they fester until they destroy the man who carries them. These young soldiers come back home and try to forget what they saw and what they did, only to find that they can't have a normal life until all the wounds are healed. If they ignore the inner wounds, they slowly die inside. If they try to heal and return to their life, their past comes back to destroy them. So long as they keep it a secret, keep it locked inside, they cannot heal. No man can do it alone.

"You are right, Alice; Jasper isn't alone any longer, and it's time to call in the cavalry. Jasper truly is battling with himself. The family stands ready to help, but we can't do anything until Jasper allows us to." Jasper did not move.

"I don't understand," I said again, but it was only partly true. I did understand that my Jasper was healing. I did understand that he was battling something. What I didn't understand was what to do.

"Trust your mate, Jasper," Carlisle said again, and then he was gone.

"Jasper?" My voice was a whisper. What had I missed in him? How had I failed him?

The bubbling of the stream filled the air around us like a taunting laugh.

"It isn't you," he said finally. Of course he would say that. He would never let me take the blame for hurting him.

"Jasper Whitlock, what is hurting you?"

"I didn't want you to know. I didn't want to ruin it for you."

"Ruin what?"

"Your world. _This_ life. Everything. I never wanted to find the Cullens. _Never. _I can't bear the idea of sharing you. I hate that the mind reader knows you better than me. I hate being around others who have so much self-control when I know it is beyond me to do what they do. It's what I've been telling you, but you wouldn't listen."

I caught my breath. All his torn looks, all the sarcastic statements, all the stalling had been because he was in real pain. I had been so selfish that I couldn't see it. My blindness had done this.

"Jasper, I'm so-"

"No, don't. Not yet. I thought that once I got here, I would hate it so much that I could put up walls and endure it. I could have handled hate. I _want_ to hate it here, but I can't._ That's_ the problem." He opened his eyes and pinned me with a desperate look. "I'm not sure I can explain it, but when I began to like being with the Cullens, or most of them, the walls I had built came down. I no longer had my hate to keep me safe from my past. You healed _me_, Alice. You brought _me_ back to life, and I want to stay alive. I want to _live_ again, but to live again, I have to fight. I have to fight the monster I was to stay the man I am."

"Your memories," I said to myself.

"You were enough to make me whole," Jasper said, his eyes boring into me. "So long as we were alone, I was whole, but I was a whole man sinking in quicksand. My past sucks me back in, and I can't escape it. I can't be the man you want me to be because the other man, the merciless monster who killed everything in his path, wants to destroy what I've become. He wants to have control."

"If we leave, you will be whole again, but not healed?"

"I could leave and feel at peace with you, but I will never be free of my past. It's been set loose, and I don't know how to put it back."

"Like the soldiers who can't get rid of the nightmares," I said. I looked into his beautiful face and saw weariness there. I could not imagine the kind of battle that would cause a vampire to look exhausted.

"I'm tired of holding them back, and I'm fearful of what will happen if they rush in again like they did today. I can't get rid of them, and I can't live with them. I need to be healed, but I don't know how."

"Carlisle said to trust me. It's your memories you haven't trusted me with, isn't it?"

"My past is worse than you know. I don't want you to see the past that Edward saw, the man he saw me being," Jasper said, averting his eyes again. He was sitting, hunched over like a small child.

"I've seen your past."

"Not all of it."

"You don't want me to know your pain," I said, pulling his chin up and looking him in the eye.

"I don't want you to know who I really am."

"I know who you really are, Beloved." I whispered the words and gently kissed his eyes and then his mouth. I let myself feel the kiss, feel it and the love that went with it so that Jasper would know. As my lips tenderly moved against his, tugging at him, I let my fingers trace the scars that he hated. I slowly undid his shirt, taking my time with the ruined material. Then I traced the scars across his body. My fingers knew them, each one a precious piece of a puzzle that I now needed to put together. His lips began to move against me, and his hands gently traced my face. I looked up to see him watching me with that intense gaze that always made me thrill in loving him. I slowly pulled away, never taking my eyes off his.

"You can't live with the secrets. That is what Carlisle was saying, isn't it? Like all those soldiers, you will battle with your past until you make peace with it." I kissed him again, hard this time so that he knew how much I loved him, that I still wanted him. "I have failed you, Jasper. I rushed ahead with all my plans and didn't truly see your needs. I am so very sorry."

"It isn't you. It's me."

"There isn't a you and me anymore," I said, kissing him again. "There is only us; we are one. I cannot live without you, and I refuse to try. I cannot live without easing your pain, because it is my own. I can feel you, Jasper. No matter how well Edward may know my thoughts, you are my heart."

The muscles in Jasper's face relaxed just a little, but he looked even wearier now.

"Just tell me what upset you at the rocks. Just tell me one thing that Edward saw."

We sat there in silence for a moment. The silence aged him, and for a moment, I saw all eighty years of his life etched on his face. Then, just as quickly, he exhaled, and the years blew away with his breath. He looked at me and then nodded and pulled me into his embrace. He held me tightly, and I gripped him.

"I told you what Maria did when I awoke from the burning. She led me to where my own men lay injured and helpless. I couldn't stop myself from feeding from them. I wanted to leave, more than anything I wanted to run from that place, but there was so much blood..." His voice broke off, and my silent heart clenched in pain.

"When the men were dead, Maria simply tossed a lantern on the hay beds and laughed. I wanted to kill her, I launched myself at her, but she had too many others with her. She led us all back to the home she used as her base. At that time, she was using the chaos of war to help her regain her lost territory and move into Texas.

"The house was in a constant state of mayhem, and the newborns fought constantly. I had more control over my emotions than most, and I unknowingly began to effect the emotions of others. Maria immediately saw that I was gifted and, though she didn't fully understand it, she knew the advantage that my gift gave her. That, and my natural ability to fight made me irreplaceable. She would wage battles between us to weed out the weaker fighters, and I won each fight. I enjoyed the feeling of power winning gave me, and I loved the praise Maria heaped on me. She kept me close and began to feed me more, trying to coax loyalty out of me. Even then, killing hurt. My slight reluctance wasn't... acceptable to her.

"She sent me on a mission one night. She sent me northeast to Austin to see if the city was held. I thought she was giving me yet another honor, but instead I was running into a trap Maria had set."

Jasper stopped, the monotone of his voice had abruptly ended with the last word, and I could feel the shame and pain of his memory swelling within me. We had moved from feeling each other to truly being each other. I tried to take it in, to relieve him of it, but it was so overwhelming. He hurt so badly, that I shuddered from the pain.

He instantly pulled away and looked at me with concern.

"No." My voice held firm, despite the sharp hurt I felt within. "Don't stop. I want to know this, to understand it." I kissed him again, gently and slowly, then I slid back against him. The pain was worse here, but I knew it was where he needed me. He took several breaths before continuing, and the shame and remorse of what he was about to tell me pressed down on me like lead.

"I went about two hundred miles north west to the Guadalupe River. There are rock formations there in small canyons that are hidden from the rest of the world, and it was the rocks that triggered the memory. They caught me there, amidst the rocks. Maria knew the leader of a coven that used this place as a base, and she had offered him blood in return for his help. There were four of them I tore one apart before the others could lay a hand on me, but I wasn't strong enough to fight them all. I'm never strong enough."

I sat upright. "How can you say that! Jasper, I-"

He closed his eyes and placed his finger gently over my mouth. "Let me tell it, Beloved." I nodded, but this time when I leaned back into him, I held him around the neck, tightly pulling him to me.

"I was there for almost two weeks, held down against the rocks of the canyon. It took them a long time to break me. That's something, at least; I didn't break easily." His voice was so rough, I held him tighter with trembling hands. I could not block the images of dark shapes hurting my Jasper from coming into my mind. I began to shake from fear and fury, but I held him firm.

"They held a group of men and women, gifts from Maria, which they ate in front of me, taunting me with the blood as they bit and tore at my body. Twelve days of hell. Some days, they would simply put a bleeding corpse nearby and make me writhe in burning agony. On others, they would hold me down and bite all along my body. They took off each finger, each toe, and put them back on. I don't even know how many times they ripped me apart. By the end, I was nearly insane with thirst and pain. I hated them in a way I never even knew possible. I wanted nothing more than to kill them all. I still remember the day Maria and her group came in and rescued me. She killed them all of course, but I didn't see it. I only remember running to the last three captive humans and gorging myself on their blood. I was utterly feral. Their blood, the sheer joy of tasting it, healed me in a way I didn't know possible. Every time I drink, I feel that healing. Maria came to me, soothing me and offering to give me more blood. She held me as I limped back and brought the humans to me herself. She stroked me and kissed me and called me strong. She told me she loved me and only wanted to keep me safe. She told me she needed me. I had always wanted power, and she told me I would have it with her.

"I helped her in every way. I accepted her love and constant battles without question. Every lie she told, every touch, every death - I believed it all."

I wanted to tell him something, anything to ease the shame and pain that throbbed in us both. I wanted to tell him that I still believed in him and loved him, but I couldn't say anything against my sobs that shook us both. With great effort, I finally choked out the only thing I knew to say.

"Thank you... for trusting me."

He shook his head, trying to convey something. I looked at him, but he refused to meet my eyes. His breath came in gulps. "I'm so sorry... I'm never... strong enough..."

"Yes, _we_ are."

He sucked in a deep breath and buried his face in my neck.

"_We_," he breathed.

"Yes, Beloved, _we._ We are forever. We are eternal. We are stronger than anything," I breathed back.

"You aren't ashamed?" His eyes darted up to mine and then quickly shot away.

"Is that what you are afraid of? You thought I would be ashamed of you?" I put my hands on either side of his face and forced him to look at me. "Jasper Whitlock, there is no shame in being hurt by others. You did nothing wrong. You are the most incredible man I've ever met, and the strongest person I know. I am and will forever be proud of you."

Suddenly, his hands were all over me. My shirt fell in tatters. He kissed me with a desperate need. I had never felt such need from him. It was as if the loss of the secret had left a hole in him, and he was trying to fill it with me.

We tumbled into the stream, grasping at each other and tearing at everything that separated our bodies. Our mouths and hands were everywhere, hungry with the need to touch and claim.

The clear water of the stream flowed past us, taking away the mud and filth, and somehow washing the memories away. When the dirt was gone, Jasper picked me up and strode to the soft pine needles. He lay over me, no longer weary. His smile was that of a prisoner who had at last tasted freedom.

This time, when the colors came, they did not flow between us, they rose within us and filled us. We were one.

We didn't stay around the house the day the furniture arrived. Jasper made it clear that he was too close to the edge to be near humans. I could tell from Edward's face that he was speaking the truth.

The days between our return from Mt. Adams and the furniture's arrival were filled with awkward quiet. The family was polite and friendly, but the playful banter was gone. In its place was watchful concern. We worked together to complete Edward's room and fill it with his furniture, but the conversation around us was cautious, as were the actions.

Jasper withstood the obvious unease, but it wore on him. He was too careful now. Everyone was.

We hunted while the others set up our room, and being away from it all helped him relax a bit. His eyes were still haunted as he took down an elk. I knew it wouldn't be long before he would need to feed from a human.

As we hunted, I kept getting the strangest visions of the family. They seemed to be in each other's arms, writhing against some silver thing. Even Carlisle and Edward tried it, which was very awkward to watch.

There was laughter in the house when we returned to it. The happy roar of Emmett made Jasper cringe as we approached. He knew that laughter was only there because we were gone. I wondered if he would ever be able to laugh openly and claim this happiness as his own.

Yet, when we entered, the laughter didn't stop.

We walked in and found Emmett and Rosalie completely covered in what looked to be a thin spring that wound around them both.

"Hey, you're back!" He greeted us, and began walking towards us. The springy thing didn't break like I thought it would, but simply spread out.

"If you break it, you lose," warned Esme.

'Oh, yeah," grinned Emmett, and he returned to Rosalie's side. Rosalie never moved. She looked like she was enduring whatever game they were playing with bored grace.

"What are you doing?" asked Jasper with a light tone. I looked over at him, and saw open curiosity on his face. The mood in the room must have been much more relaxed than I had realized.

"We've discovered the joy of Slinkys," droned Rosalie. She rolled her eyes.

I caught a very brief vision of a waterfall of metal leapfrogging down the stairs.

"That could work," said Edward with a nod. He walked over to a wall covered with stacks of square, blue boxes and began pulling metal tubes out.

"Not tubes, springs," he said looking at me, and then he let one end drop to the floor. It was rather pretty.

"Why are Rosalie and Emmett covered in them?" I asked, looking back to the two vampires who were trying to ever so carefully untangle themselves.

"Well, Edward wound one of these things around Emmett, and it was so much fun to watch him try to untangle himself that we thought it might make a good game. It's harder than it looks because the Slinkys are very breakable," Esme said with a childlike smile. "These little guys have a lot of potential for play." Suddenly her innocent comment took on a whole different meaning as I saw she and Carlisle wrapped in nothing but Slinky. I shuddered and Edward made a noise like retching. I would need to work on that.

"Please do," Edward hissed. "Alice had an idea about using all of them to make a Slinky waterfall on the stairs," he said out loud.

"All of them?" asked Emmett. "That would be fun, but won't it ruin them? I want to save some of these for later."

I was suddenly hit with a vision of Slinkys covering Rosalie and Emmett. Gah! This was getting ridiculous. Then a vision of Jasper and I wound tightly in the things hit me. I looked over and saw Jasper watching Rosalie and Emmett wiggle and twist. He had a wicked glint to his eyes. Poor Edward would need to spend the night far, far away.

"Always do," he whispered with a grimace.

"Why don't we all save a few for later," suggested Carlisle diplomatically. He grabbed six of the boxes and whisked them upstairs. Jasper was fast on his tail.

"Wait, wait," called out Emmett as he bent down to twist the Slinky around itself. "We need some, too." Who knew that one simple wire could make so many vampires so happy?

Edward was running his hands through his hair and looking intently out the window.

I decided to follow Jasper up the stairs. I had nearly forgotten about the new furniture. I walked into the room and was amazed. The furniture we had ordered was perfectly placed in the room, and on Jasper's tall dresser, Esme had set a large vase of her roses. The room looked lovely and smelled heavenly, but it was the care that had been taken that made it truly beautiful. Another two vases of daisies and lilies stood on either side of the mirror that sat on my chest of drawers. She had placed doilies under all of them, each one hand crocheted. On the walls, she had hung three of the paintings I had admired. She had done this for us.

"They did a nice job," said Jasper as an understatement. His face was filled with the same sense of gratitude as mine. He walked over to the closet and placed the Slinkys inside only to pull out a wooden boot tree. It looked hand carved and still smelled of oil and wax.

"Thought you could use that," came Emmett's happy voice. We turned to see him grinning at us from the doorway.

Jasper looked at him for a moment before finally saying simply, "Thank you." I knew what was bothering him. He had tried to kill Emmett not five days ago, and yet the vampire had made a gift for him.

"Do you like the flowers?" asked Esme. Her eyes shone. "I know you don't like intricate lace, so I made the doilies simple for you. The roses remind me of you." She walked into the room and looked around, and I launched myself at her.

We stumbled back, laughing as we hugged. "I'm still not used to that," she smiled and hugged me back. "Rosalie helped me pick out the paintings," she said when I finally let her go.

I turned to my sister and she instantly put her hands up. "No. I'm fine without the hug. Just say 'thank you,' and we can go play with the Slinkys."

Spoilsport.

"Thank you," I said as directed. She smiled and nodded and went out. The others followed. I stayed back for just a moment to look at the room. I had chosen it, but they had taken my choices and made it something special. Without even asking, they had known what I wanted. I was beyond grateful. I looked back at the mirror for a moment, seeing the lovely arrangement Esme had created there, and then my reflection shifted. As before, so very long ago, I was staring at my reflection in the future. I was a bride, wearing white and lace and a veil. Beside me, my sister and mother fussed over me. I looked radiant on my wedding day.

_I was a bride! _

How could that be possible? The vision faded, and I slowly turned from the mirror.

"What is it?" Jasper asked quietly. I looked at him. He didn't want to get married, I was sure of it. He would see no use in it. Yet, I would be a bride.

"I just saw a glimpse of the future," I said, telling as much of the truth as I dared. "It is beautiful, Jasper, truly beautiful." I smiled at him and wondered how it would come to pass. I would never tell him, though. Never. This had to be his choice, it had to be something _he _wanted.

"Shall we go have some Slinky fun?" I asked.

"Can we do it here?" His cockeyed smile caught me off guard and I kissed him.

"For the love of God, these are _children's_ toys!" Edward called up from below.

Edward fled the house as we all headed to bed. Poor thing. I would need to look into the future for him. Surely there was someone there. Surely, he would not be alone for much longer. As annoying as he was, he truly was a good person. I could not imagine hearing all of us, knowing all our secrets, and yet still treating us all as equals. He never seemed to use his gift against us. He never spoke of the burden it must be, and yet I knew, oh how I knew, that it was a great burden to carry. I think even Jasper was beginning to respect that aspect of him.

I would have never thought that Slinkys could have been so much fun. Of course, we utterly destroyed them, but the game Jasper and I played was very much worth the cost. The poor toys sacrificed themselves for a _very_ good cause.

Jasper and I thoroughly tested our new bedroom set, stressing it to the limit of its strength. The heavy wooden bed frame was exactly what we needed, though a few heavy bolts would help with the swaying motion. I wondered how Esme would feel about holes in her floor.

The mirror in our bedroom held true to its promise in the morning's light. Every time I glanced in it, I saw myself as the bride I would be. The rush of emotion each time I saw it was so wonderfully intense that it was hard not to share it. Jasper kept looking at me as I dressed and brushed my hair, but he said nothing.

Esme was already downstairs when we finally came out of our new bedroom. She greeted us happily as she threw the twisted pieces of mangled metal into the trash bin. Jasper grinned at her as he did the same.

The toys had somehow brought the family together again, and I wondered if Emmett had done that on purpose. Probably not.

"Ah, good, you're up," said Carlisle as he emerged from his study. "I wanted to talk to you before the others arrived. Please come in." He motioned for us to go ahead into the large room. I went in first, with Jasper close by. I had no idea if he did that out of courtesy or protection, or both.

Carlisle shut the door behind us.

"I wanted to speak with you about the memories," he said looking at Jasper. "I've been doing research on shell-shock and the treatments for it. As I mentioned, I think that perhaps the reason they are so potent is that you haven't dealt with them before. You are once again in a coven, and that triggers the memories. Yet because you feel safer here, which is a very great compliment to us, you're defenses are weaker and won't hold out against the onslaught. Is that a fair assumption?"

Jasper nodded, his face guarded. "Yes, sir." I cringed hearing the tone he used for a superior rather than a family member. Carlisle frowned, but didn't address it.

"I think it's time to replace those old memories with new ones. Perhaps we can force them to come, one by one, deal with them, and offer safe experiences to replace them. It takes years for humans, but for a vampire, it may take less time."

"Or more," warned Jasper.

"Yes, or more. Jasper, do you want to stay as you are?"

"No, sir."

"Then let us help you overcome your past." Carlisle's words were so softly spoken that they seemed to float on silken air, but they were firm. He made it clear in his musical tone that this was not a point that could be argued. He was a physician, and he was set on curing his patient.

Jasper stood absolutely still. I could feel his wavering thoughts. Hope and despair floated around him. I wondered if Carlisle knew what he was asking; if he knew this required more trust than Jasper could give. I saw him slump and then my mind showed him wrestling Carlisle. He had chosen to trust them.

"What do I need to do?" Jasper asked. His voice was almost hollow.

"Come with us into the forest. I have an idea." Carlisle's smile was small but sincere as he said it.

"I'll be with you," I said as I looked to the future. I saw wrestling and laughter.

"I would prefer you to stay behind, Alice, if you don't mind." He turned to Jasper. "She will be perfectly safe with Esme, I swear it."

I began to protest, but Jasper looked at me intently and said, "I want to do this alone."

"It will be fine," I purred. "You will be fine." I was so proud of him.

Within twenty minutes, the boys all headed off with Carlisle in the lead. I could tell now that they had planned this. My own faith in Carlisle wavered as they ran off, and I found myself chewing on my lip. Vampire teeth really do hurt.

"Come with me into the garden, Alice," said Esme. Again, it wasn't a request, though it was kindly spoken.

I could hear Rosalie in the garage. She was working on our struts and had the music loud, and the crackling of the radio sounded out of place in Esme's garden.

It was sunny, and I watched mesmerized as a million rainbows lit up the faces of the flowers. The area burst into color and light.

"It's so beautiful," I gasped.

"I grow them wherever we live, just for days like today. I wanted you to see it." She looked like a little girl sharing a deep secret. Then, she donned the ugliest gloves I had ever seen and knelt to the ground to begin pulling innocent looking plants up with an almost tangible fury.

"What are you doing?"

"Weeding," she said as she smiled up at me. She patted the ground and handed me a pair of hideous, newer gloves.

"Do you really need these?"

"No, I suppose not," she admitted with a purse of her lips, "but it's how I always did it. It feels _right,_ somehow." She turned back to the garden and I pulled on the gloves. They felt like bags on my small hands.

"Why do you hate the weeds so much?" I had to ask after watching her go after a dandelion as if it were a mortal enemy. I pitied any vampire who tried to take her on.

"Carlisle asks me the same thing," she chuckled. Then she looked around at the sparkling flowers. "I work very hard to make the garden lovely, but if I neglect it at all, the weeds sneak in and destroy it, so I take them out quickly. They will ruin the beauty of what I've made if they stay." She smiled at me as she answered, but the smile didn't reach her eyes. There was a deeper pain there that told me this wasn't about a garden anymore. I began to pull out the same plants I saw her yank at, but it didn't give me as much pleasure.

"It's like my life," Esme said, without looking at me. "The garden is what I want to be, but the weeds are what I am."

I watched her twist her fingers around the base of a swamp grass shoot and rip it from the ground. She threw the bruised grass behind her with a look of disgust.

"How can you say that? You are the most loving vampire I've ever met. Your love is the only thing that drew Jasper into this family. You are the garden, Esme, you are a garden that sparkles."

"Thank you, Alice, but I can only try to be like the garden. The only reason you see me as a sparkling garden is because I have to daily pull out the weeds." She turned to me, and pulled off her gloves. "Did you see what happened when I was changed?"

"No, the first glance I had of you was when you hunted."

She nodded and looked at the grass, tugging absently at a round leaf. "Edward believes that we have lost our souls, and Carlisle believes that we might somehow still have souls, but that we must earn our place at heaven's gate. He tells me that I will be welcomed to heaven," she smiled a little. "I want to believe him, but I don't know how to believe anymore. I was raised like most others to believe in heaven and hell and a gracious God, but I never found or felt that grace until I opened my eyes as a vampire. Funny, isn't it? The first good thing that happened to me was to be reborn as the damned."

"You are _not _damned, Esme." My words were heated. It hurt to see her this way.

"Oh, but I'm afraid you are wrong. I am damned twice over." She looked at me and then went back to ripping out weeds as she spoke. A plant died with each word. "I met Carlisle for the first time when I was very young. We were drawn to each other then, but to save me, he left. He didn't want this life for me, even though he was attracted to me. By leaving, he condemned me to a life that destroyed me.

"I wanted to become a teacher, but instead agreed to marry a man I didn't love to make my family happy. He hurt me, and I wanted to get out of the marriage, but my family wouldn't hear of it. They even blamed me for the bruises that covered my body. My husband went to war, and came back as a true monster. He hurt me in so many ways. Finally, when I found out that I was pregnant with his child, I left. I ran away and made a new life for myself and my baby, thinking that perhaps God would help me because I was helping myself. My little boy died in my arms just a few days after he was born. I was praying as he took his last breath. God, if there is a God, took him while I prayed.

"I couldn't take the pain any more. It hurt to breathe, it hurt to feel my own heart beat. I committed suicide, Alice. I jumped from a cliff and tried to die. Carlisle found me in a morgue and bit me as I lay dying and unaware of his presence. So, you see, I am doubly damned. So strange, isn't it? The first grace I ever received, I felt when I opened my eyes to see my mate. I found it when I was finally, completely damned."

"No," I said, shaking my head and refusing to believe what she said about herself. "No, you cannot be damned. Nothing that loves as you do can be evil."

She reached up and touched my cheek. "You sound like Carlisle and Edward. They tried to convince me for years that I was good, that I had hope."

"Esme, you are _so_ inherently good. Don't you see it?"

"I do now, but I still must fight all those thoughts and memories. Every day, I must remember that I have worth, that I am able to love this family, that this is my second chance, my grace. It's just so hard.

"I didn't bring you here to feel sorry for me. I am happier now than I have ever been, though I will forever miss my little boy." Her sad eyes softened and her lips went into an automatic smile as she thought of him. My throat constricted at the loss she would carry throughout all time. "I brought you here to understand Jasper. You see, you have no memory of your past. You have no recollection of what you might have been or what you lost. It is a very great gift not to have memories that you must constantly battle. Carlisle tried for years to convince me of my worth, as did Edward, but they couldn't. I finally realized it on my own. While Edward was gone, I began to see myself more clearly. It took a while, but when Edward came home at last, I realized that I had made a home worth returning to. That I was a person worthy of love.

"Your Jasper is the same. He sees you as a his grace, as a gift that he shouldn't have, and he feels unworthy. I see you trying to make him feel worthy, trying to force him to feel like he belongs. You can't, Alice, and you need to stop trying. He must discover it for himself."

"But I need him to feel like he belongs here. We need the family, Esme. Without you, our path leads to death. Without you, he will never find out how truly good he is," I protested.

"Edward says Jasper wants to stay here, but he fears what he might do. That's why the boys are with him now. You can't make him become what you want him to be, Alice. It's not your place. Only he can make this choice, just as I finally did. Only he can find his worth. All we can do is show him the path to follow; he must discover where that path leads."

"It's so hard to watch, Esme," I said in a rough voice. I had to clear a lump out of my throat before I could continue. "He is the very center of my life. I needed him before I knew I needed blood. Everything I have done, I did to somehow be with him, to save him. Even before I met him, my life revolved around his. He is in so much pain, and I want to heal him. I want him to find a happiness like you have."

She pulled me to her in a warm embrace. I marveled again at how she could feel and smell just as a mother should, when I had no memory of one.

"Alice, you have begun it. Don't you see? You have saved him, and he can finally have that peace and happiness as his own, but the rest is up to him, now. You have prepared the earth and begun the planting, but he must choose what his own garden will look like. He will need to figure out which things are weeds and pull them out himself."

I looked around at the dancing colors of the rainbows on flowers. I hadn't even seen the weeds before because the light and the colors had hidden them. Now that I was here with Esme, I could see them creeping into the garden. In every corner and under every bush, weeds were waiting to take over and choke out the beauty. I could see the damage they would do. And I understood.

Only Jasper could determine what he would become. We could help him, weed with him, and plant with him, but only he could build his life.

I looked into her gentle eyes, and loved Esme. I loved her spirit, and her wisdom. I loved her ability to love. Then I focussed on the lovely flowers that hid the weeds, and saw that this garden wasn't about weeds. They were here, just as they always would be, but they were not in control. This garden was about the love and grace that Esme couldn't find.

"Esme? May I ask you something?" I asked, trying to find a way to put my thought into words.

"Of course, dear. You may ask me anything." She turned back to her garden.

"You said you don't know what to believe because you never found God's grace and love as a human. What if you didn't see it because you _were_ that love and grace? Maybe the greatest evidence of grace isn't what you suffered through, but rather what you've become. Perhaps the greatest testimony to love is that a doubly damned vampire can create something as beautiful as a garden, or a family like one. You are the most beautiful example of love I've ever seen. Perhaps you _are_ the evidence you never found."

Esme stopped and looked at me. Her eyes softened and then lit up. So quietly that it sounded like the wind whispering through the flowers, she said, "Thank you, Alice."

* * *

So, how does Jasper go from injured soldier to bridegroom? I have it all planned out, but I would love to hear your ideas!

Recommendations:

Bronzehairedgirl

Ermireallydontcare (who has the coolest screen name I've ever heard)

Persephonesfolly

OCDIndeed who is again updating her epic piece, The Fallout

Thebugroom

intellectualthicket


	21. Chapter 21: The Reason Why

First off, thank you to whoever submitted my work to the Single Shot Awards! I truly appreciate all of you who submit my work!

Two of my one shots are up for awards. Resolution is up for AH and We Who Are Left Behind is up for Best Human. You can see all the stories here: h t t p : / thesingleshotawards . blogspot . com **Please take out the spaces!**

Also, thanks to everyone who voted for Coalescence in the Glove Awards. While it didn't win, all your votes mean a lot to me!

Once again, I have the most wonderful beta readers on earth! Thanks so much Vanessa James, Mistral123, and Remylebeauishot!

Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and all its characters. I own original characters and plot and two of the biggest tents they make!

* * *

_**Jasper**_

I had no idea what they planned, but the Cullen men weren't nearly as tense as they should to be. Edward, whom I knew was listening to my every thought, was hesitant and hopeful. Emmett was excited. Carlisle felt as Edward did, but with more confidence in whatever we were about to do.

I was unsure, and I hated being unsure. I needed to know without a doubt what would happen. I needed to know how this would end, and Alice wasn't here to tell me.

We came to a clearing that had been partially destroyed by either playful vampires or raging elephants. I went to the far side and waited for whatever it was that they had in store for me.

"Will you relax? This isn't some kind of punishment," Edward said. I wondered if the smug look was one of his permanent features. He glared at me.

"Thank you for coming, Jasper," Carlisle said. He turned and hung his shirt up on the branch of a nearby sapling. I hadn't noticed before, but he had a few bite marks along his shoulder. I couldn't imagine Carlisle in a battle. Of course, the old man was full of surprises.

Emmett already had his off and was happily flailing his arms and legs around in a strange hopping motion. I watched him as I slowly unbuttoned my own shirt. This would be the first time the boys would see me, and I wasn't sure how they would react.

Emmett continued the odd, rhythmic motion.

"Are you dancing?" I finally asked him when curiosity got the best of me. Edward laughed.

"Nope. Calisthenics to warm up," Emmett explained.

"Those are called Jumping Jacks," Carlisle informed me with a glint in his eye.

"Flailing your arms like that won't warm them," I reminded the eager vampire. Surely he knew that. Edward laughed again.

"It's not to get_ physically_ warm," Emmett said, as if I was a child. "It's to stretch the ol' muscles out, get 'em ready for the day." He then began touching his toes in a motion so fast he looked like a jackhammer.

"Emmett likes to prepare for wrestling," Carlisle chuckled.

I shot him a warning look. Wrestling wasn't a good idea. I had just tried to kill Emmett over a game.

"That's why we're here," said Edward. I _still_ wasn't used to that.

"You need to replace the old feelings of fear and danger with new feelings and memories. We thought a fun day of play might give you a good base to start from," said Carlisle calmly.

I wasn't ready. I couldn't trust them.

"You can trust us, and you will never be ready until you try," said Edward, not looking at me, as was his custom.

"We won't let you harm us, and none of us will harm you," Carlisle continued. "This is just for fun. I have a little experience with these things, and I will make sure you don't harm us. Edward will know when your past interferes, and we can stop. I won't force you, Jasper, but I would like to challenge you to try. You have to trust us sometime."

I nodded at him and worked to calm myself. This was a bad idea. I tugged at the last button on my shirt and turned to hang it on a thin branch. All movement and sound ceased in the meadow. I turned and looked at the others. Emmett was staring at me, frozen in place, and Edward looked away, just as everyone did. The reaction of Edward and Emmett to my scars proved that this was indeed a very bad idea.

Edward's eyes locked on mine. "I'm sorry," he mumbled and then his features softened a bit.

Emmett took a breath and clapped his hands. "You ready for this?"

"Most likely," I shrugged and crouched into a defensive mode.

Grinning like a naughty boy, he hunched down, waited for Carlisle's signal, and launched himself at me. I immediately twisted out of the way and used my motion to push him into a tree as he passed. The tree trunk splintered, and the top of it came down on him. I waited for him to leap from the tree, but nothing happened at first. Then the leaves began to quake and the tree started giggling.

"You look so funny when you fight, all serious and focused. Lighten up, this is supposed to be fun," the tree laughed at me. He would never last long in a real battle.

His second attempt was much more precise, and before I could completely move from his path, he had my left arm. With a fluid motion, he slammed me to the ground and tried to get a better grip on me. I kicked my leg against the ground, and found myself on top of him. He held my arm tightly, but I was able to move about using my feet. However, I could not break his grip.

He began to chuckle again. "Gotcha," he crowed. He radiated smug satisfaction.

Trying not to hurt him, I brought a knee up and knocked his arm off mine at the elbow. Tricky move because I didn't want to snap the arm there. He let go, and I writhed from his grasp. I jumped from him and landed a few yards away, crouching and ready to counter his attack.

To my surprise, he didn't leap up, and for a moment I thought I'd hurt him. Then, he leisurely stood and turned to Edward.

_Does he even know _how_ to do this?_

"Knees! That was brilliant. Take notes, Edward. We need to use more knees," he said cheerfully.

"Look out," Edward warned as I landed on Emmett's back.

I brought my mouth to his neck, and waited for his acquiescence of the fight. He just stood there, very still, staring at Edward. "Tell me he's not kissing me," he begged.

The clearing burst into roars of laughter. Emmett snorted and then began laughing. I felt myself chuckling along with them, carried away by the mirth around me, and dropped from his back. Edward was nearly doubled over, and Carlisle had his head thrown back and was laughing so hard he was shaking.

They really had no idea of how to fight.

Emmett turned to face me, laughter breaking through his words as he tried to speak. "That was the... strangest thing... anyone has ever done to me."

"It's how a training fight ends. Once one opponent makes a mortal move on the other, the practice is over. How do you end them?"

Emmett shrugged. "We just play around until it gets late and then come home before anyone gets mad at us."

"He means before Rosalie gets mad at him," cut in Edward.

I could see the need for that.

"What kind of coven uses a _kiss_ as a mortal move?" Emmett demanded. He was looking at me oddly. Edward stifled another laugh.

I could not believe he was thinking that. "For the last time, it wasn't a _kiss_. I would have bitten your head off. Don't look at me like that!"

Emmett began his jovial laughter again, wagging his finger at me. "I _did not_ kiss you. Had we been it battle, it would have been a killing cut to your neck," I explained in desperation. I couldn't believe he thought that of me.

"He's just having fun at your expense," Edward said, his eyes dancing.

"How do you know who won?" I asked in frustration. This was _not_ how fight training went.

"Usually, it's scored like human wrestling," Carlisle explained. "When one pins the other on the ground, they win."

"So they fight on the _ground_?" That explained how they ended up without clothing.

"Oh, no. That's not how it happened," Edward said with a shudder.

I decided I might not want to know what happened.

"I've taught them several deadly moves," Carlisle interrupted, "but for play they fight like they did as humans."

This coven just got stranger and stranger.

"We really don't want to hurt each other," injected Edward. "We just want to have fun and keep our skills up."

"And Esme gets upset if she thinks we're playing too rough. Not that _kissing _is a real fighting skill." Emmett added with a raised eyebrow.

I glared at him.

"It felt like a kiss. Now, pin me this time." He launched himself at me.

I was able to fight off Emmett, though his skills were rapidly increasing. Not once during our mock fights did I have any issues with my past. Perhaps it was because fighting Emmett wasn't anything like a real battle, or perhaps it was simply the enjoyable mood around me, but I began to relax and finally let myself enjoy this day. Nothing had happened. No one was angry. In fact, I was beginning to have fun with the large one. So far, this was simply an experiment in useless tactics. What good could it possibly do to _pin_ someone?

Edward, however, was another issue. If I thought too far ahead, he was able to see my moves. If I went on instinct, he was able to block and shift with incredible speed. I couldn't catch him, and I really wanted to catch him because of his smug self-assurance. There was something very unnerving about it.

For the fifth time, we took our positions across from each other. A small smile played on Edward's lips, and in my mind, his eye flickered from golden to red. I saw Edward shift. But he didn't say anything. I felt a twinge of unnecessary fear ripple through me.

"Ready?" Edward asked. He had seen it. My old feelings of distrust returned.

I went for him straight on, but just before I reached him, I dropped below his arms. I felt his hand slip on my hair as I went under him, twisted and grabbed at his legs from behind. He jumped as my fingers gripped his trouser legs. He flipped backwards, arcing over me. I turned again, and grasped for his arms. He was ready for that, and brought up his foot to kick in the chest. It knocked me backwards onto the hay.

I pulled at the hay beneath me, and watched it turn to green grass in my hands.

"Hold!" called Edward.

"What are you seeing?" Carlisle asked me.

"I don't know." I could feel fear build within me, but I had no idea why. Nothing had changed in this meadow.

"He saw another vampire's face," said Edward quietly. "There was hay, like in a barn."

"Take my hand, Jasper," Carlisle urged me. He extended his hand to me. The dirt there reminded me of something that remained just beyond me. I slowly reached for his outstretched arm, and he gripped my hand and pulled me up. "Nothing here will hurt you. Is this a memory you recognize?"

I shook my head. "It was a fight, but I have no idea which one or why it would happen now."

"Then let's keep going. Perhaps by pushing you further in a safe situation, we can find the source of this." He looked at Edward, who nodded an answer to the unspoken question.

There was something in him, his dangerous ability; his smug calm that made me hate him in that moment. The anger and fear in me rushed forward, and I went after Edward with everything I had. I rushed forward, screaming my rage and hit him straight on. His hands caught mine, and we began to truly fight. His face remained calm, and it infuriated me. The calm, almost smug, look dissolved into the face of the first vampire I murdered. Grass became hay and tree trunks melded into the walls of a barn.

Joshua, Maria's oldest newborn, smiled at me as I tried to overpower him. He had taunted me, calmly reminding me of my weakness at every turn. He was going to kill me. I could feel it in him.

Our bodies clashed, and in a twisting motion, I was at his vile neck. I opened my mouth to kill him as he had taught me, and I was jerked back and pinned by the arms of another. I roared in my fury, but the arms wouldn't yield.

Suddenly, Joshua's face was replaced by another's, and I recognized the other vampire I hated. Edward was here, and I would need to kill him. He was dangerous, more dangerous than Joshua would ever be. I wrenched my arms and legs, but the one holding me wouldn't let go. He was shaking me.

Emmett was shaking me.

I was back in the bright wooded area.

"C'mon, Jasper, snap out of it. It's just annoying, old Edward. You really shouldn't try to kill Eddie. That would be a bad thing to do," he admonished me like a small child throwing a tantrum.

"I'm fine. Let me go!" I rasped. His arms allowed for very little breath. He stopped shaking me, but didn't put me down.

"It'll be fine, Emmett," Edward said.

He released me, and I dropped to the ground. I backed away from them, hands up.

"What did you see?" asked Carlisle.

"It was my first day as a vampire. Joshua, Maria's oldest and most lethal newborns, challenged me to battle right after I was brought to her stronghold. He was gifted in some way, and had been Maria's favorite. Within hours of my eyes opening, I was forced to fight him in Maria's makeshift arena. I didn't understand my gift yet, but I could feel that he wanted to kill me," I explained, not looking at the vampire I had just tried to kill.

"They were in a barn, with others around them cheering them on. It was like some kind of sport," Edward explained with a pained look on his face.

"Joshua challenged me to the fight, knowing I had no idea how to kill another vampire," I explained, as the memory came on strong. "It was my first introduction into what would become my life. He was always calm, cold almost, and when he came after me because of my gift, it was the first time I had to fight. The feelings around me in that barn were almost as dangerous to me as he was. I killed him by taking pieces of him one at a time. In the end, he tried begging for his life. Maria just set him on fire and smiled as he screamed. I was less than six hours old."

"Edward became Joshua?" asked Carlisle. I nodded. "What about now? Who is he now?"

I looked at him strangely. "I know who he is."

"Do you know who I am?"

"Of course I know who you are," I said with bitterness in my voice. "You are Carlisle, and you lead the Cullen Coven."

"No, I'm not," he said. "Who am I?"

Then I understood. "You are the head of this… family," I admitted. And that was it. That was the difference. Edward wasn't Joshua, we weren't in a battle to the death, and this wasn't a coven. Carlisle was not Maria, and I had no reason to fear.

"Better," said Edward with a nod at his father.

I hated him. It was wrong, and I knew it, but I hated him, nonetheless. I hated him for knowing me. I loathed him for knowing Alice.

"I can't help it," he growled. "I can't help it any more than you can, and you know it." I did know it, and I swallowed back the bitter hate, trying not to feel it. Yet, the very fact that he knew Alice so well, knew her as intimately as me, kept me from curbing the rage that focused on him.

"You're jealous," he gasped. "You're not mad that I know her thoughts, you're mad that you don't."

"Someone, clue me in here," cut in Emmett, who stood beside me, clearly confused.

"One of the issues here is that he feels threatened by me," Edward explained. "And that's plain stupid."

"Do you have any idea what it is like to suffer through hell, only to find heaven given to you in the form of a person? Do you have any idea of what it's like to have the center of the universe be something so good you cannot ever truly grasp it? She's like the sun, giving off light and life, and I am only able to revolve around her. I can't ever come near enough to touch her. _But you do._" I spat out the last words with all the loathing I felt. It wasn't fair, the loathing wasn't directed solely at him, but I took it out on him anyway. "You are like her, able to abstain from killing, and you _know _her. You see what I can't. You know her most intimate secrets."

Edward stood across from me, his hands clenched and white. Fury rolled off of him, hot and heavy. "You're a fool!" he finally hissed at me. Emmett moved to stand between us.

"Edward," Carlisle said gently.

"No! Not this time," he growled, jabbing a finger at his leader.

"Not my leader, my _father._ Get that through your head," he seethed at me. "And understand this - I _wish_ I knew what it was like to love like that. I can see it in all of you. Every time you look at your mates, I know _exactly_ what I don't have. Do you have any idea how much I want that? How much I want _someone_ to make this horrid eternity worthwhile?"

"Don't you know how insanely unfair it is that you found a love like that? You are so unworthy of her it's almost a joke."

He stood across from me, taking fast, angry breaths. His words sliced into me, and the fury I felt rushed out of the wound.

"I know exactly how unworthy I am."

Across from me, Edward also seemed to deflate. "Do you want to know what she thinks? She thinks about _you_. Constantly. She _feels _you, desires you, and wants to comfort you. She may have other thoughts flitting through her mind, but behind each and every one, is a thought of you.

"I've never seen a love like yours. Not ever. It's like you two are two sides of one entity. Your link with her is almost magical. You two are so entwined that you are utterly inseparable. You have no idea how much I want a love like that."

For the first time, I understood the honest truth about Edward. We did understand each other. He hated his life as much as I hated mine, but we were trapped here, unable to change. We both bore gifts that we could not escape. Yet, I had found my small piece of bliss in this life, and he remained alone. I understood alone.

"Yes, you do," nodded Edward as he moved away. I had to admit, his refusal to use his gift to harm us spoke of a strong, good man who had tight control of the monster within. I respected that. His eyes met mine, and we nodded to each other. I might not like it much, but I could live with a man I respected.

"My turn," said a very relaxed Carlisle as he took his position across from me.

"Carlisle..." Edward's voice was strained in the warning.

"Jasper seems fine," Carlisle said firmly, and he put up his hand and spoke to Edward in the privacy of his mind.

"I'm not fine," I hissed, hating the words as I said them. They were the truth; I was anything but fine.

"Who am I?" Carlisle asked again.

"The leader of this co- family," I admitted. I could not refuse a coven leader.

"I'm not Maria, Jasper. I won't harm the members of my family. Not ever."

"But I could hurt _you_," I argued. Why was he pushing this? I couldn't control my mind, and I had no idea of what might happen.

"You need to do this, Jasper. Edward and Emmett can stop you from hurting me," he said smoothly.

"I don't want to do this. I don't want to take the chance of damaging you or your coven," I pleaded.

"You won't," Carlisle said. "I trust you."

My gut twisted in a way that I didn't know it could. I was the last person on earth he should trust. Yet he stood there smiling and ready to wrestle with me. In that moment, I knew that I would have to take control of myself. He trusted me. He had trusted me all along, and, by God, I would be worthy of it.

I tightly bound the emotions and memories of my past and shoved them aside. My new found conviction gave me enough strength to master them, at least for a while.

Both Edward and Emmett watched us intently. They had no reason to fear, I would be gentle with the old man. Edward snorted, and at the same moment Carlisle launched himself at me. It was a straightforward frontal attack, so I raised my arms and moved to deflect him, when he twisted mid-stride, dropped to the ground, and kicked my feet out from under me. Before I hit the ground, he was on my chest, holding my arms to my side and effectively driving me onto my back.

Both Edward and Emmett let out howls of victory and Carlisle looked down on me with a very smug smile. "Got ya."

I had underestimated the old man again. That was a very bad habit. I grinned at him despite myself.

Carlisle immediately got off my chest and returned to his fighting stance. Once again, at Edward's signal, he attacked, this time I was ready. He came at me straight on, but I watched his body this time, looking for the first sign of a curve. Just as he reached me, I ducked under him, moving to flip him, but he somersaulted over me and grabbed my arms as he did. The velocity of his attack drove us both to the ground, me on my back, and him on his stomach.

"That's two," he snickered, his eyes dancing mischievously. "Ready for three? You attack this time."

Was I ready to attack him? I searched myself and my surroundings; nothing was out of place. I swallowed a goodly portion of bitter pride and looked to Edward. It hurt. Edward cocked an eyebrow and then nodded.

"Attack me," Carlisle whispered, and I did. I ran at him, and twisted to my left just as I reached him. I hooked my right arm in his, and used him as a counterbalance to whip myself behind him. My left arm went under his, and I had him.

I picked him up off the ground and held him there. Carlisle just laughed and called out "uncle." I let him go.

"Nice move," nodded Emmett.

"We only have about two more hours before I need to prepare for work. Perhaps we can stop the play for a while and Jasper could teach us some of his moves," suggested Carlisle.

"Only if you teach me to attack from the ground like that," I said, a smile lifting my lips. I had done it. I could feel the tension leave as the memory faded from me. My past and all its horrors were still there, but for now, they had no power over me.

For two hours, I was a member of the Cullen Coven, playing with my brothers and my leader. For two hours, I was a free man. When it was over, I couldn't wait to return to Alice.

She was doing it again. For the last two days, every time Alice saw her reflection, she would pause and stare for just a little too long. She was having a vision about herself, a good one, but she refused to tell me what it was. She would just smile coyly at me when I asked.

"You know how much I hate that, don't you?"

"Hate what?" she asked innocently. She came over and pressed herself against me and kissed me.

"It won't work. I still want to know."

She just smiled again and walked out of our bedroom.

We met the others as we always did in the large living area. Emmett had set up a game of poker for the men to play. The pouring rain had stopped the plans for playing outdoors today. That, and the fact that the ladies were heading into town. They were all very excited about a shopping trip. None of us wanted to be anywhere near them.

"I say we wager something good this time," whispered Emmett as he shot a look at Esme.

"Like what?" I hoped he wouldn't say clothing.

"You got money, right? How about a penny-ante poker game?"

"I don't have many pennies. Alice likes paper money."

"Don't worry, I'll get the pennies, you get the paper money," he winked at me again, and I tried to hold back a shudder. That was just plain weird.

Alice danced over to me and kissed me. She was dressed for an outing, and looked lovely. I didn't want her to go, but I sure as hell didn't want to go with her, either. Neither shopping nor humans would go well with me today. Poker would be a good diversion while she was gone. We all waved to our mates as they drove away, and then the others dove into action. I ran upstairs to grab some cash, and when I returned, a cider barrel full of pennies sat on the floor by the table. It was dirty and smelled a little musty.

"We hide it in the basement," said Edward from the piano.

"You have a basement?" I was astonished that I had missed that.

"We keep it well hidden," said Carlisle as he put a few dollars on the table and began rapidly counting out the pennies. "I've found a well hidden hiding spot to be very helpful when the need arises. It's where we keep our true valuables as well as legal papers."

There was a soft sound behind me, like a bottle cap being pulled off of a pop bottle. I turned to see Emmett holding up one of the kitchen cabinets. Beneath it was a perfectly square hole, just large enough to fit his body.

"The drop is only about fifteen feet straight down," he said as he effortlessly held up the cabinet. "But the room at the bottom is big enough and is concrete. We built the house on a rise so that the water wouldn't be an issue." He set the counter down gingerly and joined us at the table.

Carlisle began to shuffle one of ten decks we had. Vampire shuffling tended to ruin them within a few hands. Emmett and I stacked our pennies and watched him.

"Wait," said Emmett before Carlisle could begin dealing. He turned to me. "Don't get me wrong, but I just need to know something. Do you have any bad memories associated with poker? Any at all? I'm not going to get killed here, am I?"

In any other place in my life, I would have been offended. Instead, I felt myself grin. "Nope. I'm very good at poker, and my memories of this game are all quite pleasant. Yours, however, are about to become nightmarish, and you may very well indeed get killed." I smiled at Carlisle and Emmett, and settled into a game I knew.

As we played, I could hear the piano in the other room. Edward was occupying himself while we enjoyed our game. His isolation from the others struck me as the chords of a classical piece flowed through the home. As hard as my gift was to live with, his would be intolerable. He could not escape us, and yet he couldn't be with us. Just as now, his gift made him unwelcome in many situations. He knew the secrets that none of us wanted to admit to. No matter what he did, we were all aware of that fact, and it made him both integral to this odd group and forever a pariah within it.

The piano's music changed into a soft and more lighthearted song. I could feel gratitude emanate from him. I hadn't felt that from him before. Fair enough.

_You're welcome. _

"So, what exactly are the girls buying this time?" Emmett asked nonchalantly as he threw in nine pennies. I couldn't tell from him if his hand was good yet or not. Damn, he really was more complex than I thought.

"Plants for the garden," Carlisle said as he threw in nine pennies. Someone was bluffing, because my hand was pretty good.

"We live in a forest. How many more plants do we need?" Emmett asked.

I threw in my nine pennies.

"Alice wants to plant a new garden plot and try her hand at roses," Carlisle answered.

"And Rosalie went along with them while they looked at greenery? My girl doesn't usually go shopping for that."

"Rosalie is hoping Alice will shop with her for another dress or two," Edward called from the parlor. "Alice is hoping to get a_ lot_ more than a dress or two," he finished sarcastically.

"Wish I had known that," grumbled Emmett. "I can't find two pairs of my bib overalls. I have no idea where they went, but I need more."

I refused to speak, but from the feelings in the room, everyone but Emmett knew exactly what had happened to those overalls. It took about five seconds for Carlisle to break and chuckle. Edward began to laugh softly, and I finally caved in as well.

"Oh, she didn't," Emmett growled.

Edward burst into laughter. "Oh yes, she did."

"You traitor! I love those bibs. Why didn't you warn me?"

"Because they look ridiculous on you, that's why," Edward retorted as he wandered into the room. "Besides, it was Rosalie's idea, and I don't feel like crossing her over your hideous clothing."

Emmett wagged his finger at me. "That woman of yours is crafty. She comes across as so cute and tiny, but she has a wicked mind. When those two get together, trust me, it's going to be bad. At least Rosalie should be happy now; she always has hated those," said Emmett in defeat. "Well, if it makes my baby happy, I suppose I can put up with a waistband and a belt."

I thought of my boots, now safely on my feet, and was very grateful for the compromise I had made with Alice. Then I remembered Alice's visions in the mirror. They had become constant, and she had taken to looking at her image in just about every reflective surface she could find. Whatever she was seeing elated her, and that now had me worried.

Edward coughed from the doorway, but not fast enough to hide his chuckle. I fixed my eyes on him.

"What." It wasn't a question, but rather a demand.

"You probably don't want to know what she sees," he warned me.

"Clue, please?" asked Emmett with a hint of irritation. He hated not being a part of any and every conversation.

Edward cocked his eyebrow at me and continued to smile like the Cheshire cat. I was going to have to ask him. I turned to Emmett.

"Alice is seeing visions when she looks in a mirror. Whatever she is seeing makes her very happy - happier than I've seen her be. Normally, when she does that, she is seeing a gift or surprise I have planned for her, but I don't have anything planned."

"Wait, so she is seeing something you don't have planned yet? How do you know what you are supposed to surprise her with, if you can't see it?"

I sighed. I really hated this. "That's why I'm asking him." I jabbed my thumb at Edward.

"But if she sees it, it won't be a surprise," mused Emmett. "That's confusing."

"It's Alice," I shrugged.

"It's women," added Carlisle.

"Actually, Alice hates surprises, but she likes trying to figure them out," said Edward. "It's kind of a catch-22 for you, isn't it?" he asked, looking at me.

"You have no idea," I mumbled.

"Oh, yeah, I do," Emmett said.

"Fine. She sees herself in a bridal gown on the day of your wedding," said Edward abruptly.

"What!" I was suddenly breathless.

"Apparently, you two are having a wedding. Congratulations," he said, and broke out into a laugh.

Emmett began to guffaw and pushed himself away from the table, breaking the legs of the chair. "I thought I had it bad," he roared in delight. "But you have to figure out a way to surprise a psychic with her own wedding!"

"I just don't understand why, though," I said leaning over the counter and looking at the others. If we had been human, we would have been drinking whiskey. We all leaned on the kitchen counter trying to figure our women out.

"She seems to need reassuring," said Carlisle. "She almost comes across as a child. Perhaps a wedding will make her more secure."

I looked at Carlisle. He was right. She needed this. Just like she needed to get an education, wear fine clothing and leave her mark on places. She had even told me why long ago; she needed to know that she was real, that she belonged.

"But why a wedding?" I mused out loud. Of all the worthless things for a vampire, being wed by a human had to rank way up there.

"Perhaps it is the solemn vows. There is something wondrous, even for our kind, in speaking those sacred vows before witnesses," said Carlisle.

"It's not the vows for Rosalie," snorted Edward. "She needs the dress and the flowers and the fluff. Alice loves all those things, too."

"Esme did fret over the dress quite a bit," agreed Carlisle.

"Rosalie loves being the center of attention," said Emmett, "but for her, it's still about the vows." He looked over at me. "We've been married three times now. The first time was just as soon as my eyes were finally yellow. That was a very long year." He grinned evilly at me. "We knew we would be mates on the day my burning stopped, but we had to wait a whole year. Rosie wanted to do everything right and, well, there were other issues involved, but she needed those vows. She needed me to say the words to her, before God and everyone. I guess the wedding wasn't necessary for the mating part, but I wanted to say those words and make an eternal promise to her. That's what made them so special; we did it even though we didn't need to. We chose to do it for each other. It sounds stupid, but it made our love seem more real somehow."

"That doesn't sound stupid, son, that sounds just about right. It was that way for Esme and me. We were mates, but to honor her, to honor the gift of her love, I made my vows to her to make her my wife before making her my full mate. I know it is a ridiculous, human tradition, but I used to be a very ridiculous human myself." He chuckled at himself and Edward groaned. "For a moment at our wedding, I felt entirely human. It was as if this one human moment had the power to bring the man I was to life for a brief span of time. Esme felt the same."

"You honored her with your vows," I said, more to myself than them. I thought back to the night I had given Alice the twisted silver rings that my grandfather had made. I had done it then without knowing. I had honored her love with my unbreakable promise. I could do that again for her. If it made our love more real to my mate, I would stand before a stadium of people to say those words. She deserved this. "I could honor Alice like that. I would like to."

"It isn't just about honoring her," said Carlisle with a faraway look. "Having Esme say the same vow back to me, to see her face glow with love, was... incredible. I needed to hear her say those things and see her love."

"So how do you plan to surprise her with it?" asked Emmett.

"With a wedding?"

"No. That would be a bad thing; I guarantee it," he laughed. "How do you plan to surprise her with proposing? She sees everything."

"I have no idea," I said, defeated. "It's impossible."

"Jasper, I may have an idea or two. Let me think about it a while," Carlisle suggested. He looked like he was concentrating on something.

"A Tale of Two Cities?" asked Edward, looking at Carlisle with a half-smile.

"I get tired of reciting the Iliad, and I think it best if I keep my plans to myself. I could have Jasper teach me his dirty sailor song, if you prefer."

"Oh, yeah!" shouted Emmett. "Teach me, too!"

I looked at Carlisle's grinning face and swallowed a lump of guilt. I had been damned for over eighty years. I had murdered thousands, but the very idea of teaching a filthy song to Carlisle seemed morally wrong. I couldn't bring myself to do it.

"No," snapped Edward quickly with a look of disgust on his face. He felt the same way I did.

We all heard the distant crunch of gravel under the tires of our mates' car as they turned onto the dirt road.

"I suggest that this conversation be forgotten," said Carlisle quickly. We all nodded in agreement. These odd vampires, males that two weeks ago I was willing to destroy at the slightest provocation, were now my co-conspirators in the most convoluted campaign I had ever waged. Together, we were set to defeat Alice's gift in order to achieve the goal of a wedding.

_A wedding._

It was hard for even my mind to comprehend that. I removed the thoughts quickly and focused on readying myself for my mate's return. I began to feel her, and her presence brought me the peace I needed. I braced myself for the scent of humans that would be on them.

Emmett ran off, a look of panic on his face. He returned seconds later carrying a pile of blue material. "Hide these for me, Edward," he pleaded and shoved them across the counter at his brother. Edward stood there and cocked an eyebrow at him. They began a silent and rather hilarious series of mental bargains I could only imagine what Emmett was willing to give in return for his favorite clothing, I had worn the most detestable thing I owned for the safety of my boots.

I didn't have the heart to tell him that Alice would have seen that move.

For the next few days, I could think of nothing but giving Alice what she wanted. It wasn't just the fact that she wanted it - it was the fact that she did, indeed, need it. Perhaps I did too. The idea was preposterous. It came from a life I no longer claimed. It was a needless and useless thing, redundant vows that could not bind us anymore than mortality could. Yet, as I thought of them, as I thought of saying them to my Alice in a ceremony witnessed by all, the lure of such vows began to tug at me.

I could honor her. I would honor all her goodness, all her patience, all her impossible love. I would finally do something worthy of her.

Yet, I had no idea how to accomplish it. I knew it would happen; I knew that every time I saw Alice catch her reflection. Like so much in my life, it would happen because she saw it, but her visions didn't come with instructions.

The only thing keeping me sane was Carlisle's confident smile and look of concentration. He was working on something; I just wished he would share it with me, though I know he couldn't.

My desire and my frustration made my constant need for blood even worse. Ever since the Council Rocks, my need for the release that only human blood could bring increased day by day. Alice and Edward both knew it, but did not speak of it, thankfully. Their shared looks provided their own agony. I did not want to fail Alice, but every night when Carlisle returned, I could smell the humans on his clothing, and the monster thrashed against the hollow ache that only blood would fill.

To exacerbate the issue, Carlisle and Esme left us Thursday night. They were only going to Portland for a weekend medical conference, but they would not return until Tuesday, which left the children to fend for themselves. There was something about their leaving, some solid comfort their presence gave me which was now missing, that made me even more unstable.

It made us all unstable. Within an hour of their departure Thursday night, Rosalie and Edward were arguing over some past issue. I could feel the tension rising in the room as Emmett joined the fray, and something about the animosity flowing between Rosalie and Edward set me on edge. Alice felt it.

"We could hunt, if you want," she suggested.

I almost laughed at her. The last thing I needed was tasteless, joyless killing. "It won't help."

"What about a run with me?" She smiled at me. Even that might not lessen the need for blood, but it would probably let me ignore it for a while. She ran her finger across my lips, and they heated up under her electric touch.

Yes, this could indeed help me ignore my other burning need.

Without telling the yelling vampires where we were headed, we ran out into the June night. The moon was barely a sliver as it rose in the sky, and Alice ran ahead of me, laughing at the joy of the run.

We ran away from the Cullens and headed Northeast, into the wilderness near the mountains. The solitude was once again refreshing. I followed my mate to one of the endless hidden spots that could be found amid the trunks of the ancient trees here. It was not a true reprieve from the need that now haunted my every thought, but I would take any relief I could get. Alice pulled me down into the soft floor of the forest, and talked to me of future plans that I could not focus on.

"What about Las Vegas?" she finally asked. That got my attention. "We could go before school starts. It would be a lot of fun to have Edward there."

"Have they been before?" I asked to keep her speaking.

"No. Can you believe it? Edward reads minds for Pete's sake. It would be so easy to go and have fun in Vegas and they never even considered it. They assumed it was too sunny to even try. Isn't that silly? Nothing important happens in Vegas while the sun is up."

"I would have thought that Emmett would be a regular," I said. Las Vegas was made for men like Emmett.

"Can't you just see him there? Of course, he does have the potential to get into trouble like no other vampire I know, but it would be fun to try."

"Fun. Yep, it would definitely be that."

"What is that supposed to mean?" she said with her hands on her hips. I smiled at her. She looked so cute that way.

"It means that I would love to watch Emmett's reaction to Las Vegas, so long as I don't have to deal with the aftermath." I wondered if I could get him to try drinking with me. Whiskey and venom made for some wonderful fun when spit out and lit on fire. We would need to get away from our mates somehow, but the idea had potential.

"What are you thinking about?" Alice asked me with a smile. She must have felt my amusement.

"Emmett, Las Vegas and fireworks," I said truthfully.

She twisted seductively onto my lap. Her chest pressed against mine and her legs wrapped tightly around me. I smelled leather.

She ran her finger over my lips and I ran my hand down her shirt. Leather strings were indeed tied underneath.

"Speaking of fireworks…" she said as she kissed me.

I would have stayed in the forest until Tuesday, but Alice saw a group of loggers heading our way and there was no way that I could safely be around beating human hearts. Even as we dressed, I could hear the distant rumble and rattle of logging trucks as they lurched their way down rough trails, and even that nearness made me turn my head and instinctively taste the air for the scent of them.

A sudden swoosh and a devious giggle were the only warning I got as Alice ran off with my boots. I yelled in fearful protest, and crashed through the woods after my evil mate, the trucks and their humans forgotten for the moment.

She ran in a twisting path that edged us ever closer to the Cullen home. Her squeals of delight mocked me as I tried to catch her. I ran focused solely on her, and the endangered footwear she held. Yet, I wasn't nearly focused enough.

A light movement off to my left caught my eye as we neared Eugene. It was nothing, really, and any other day I would have ignored it. This day, I could not.

Winding their way slowly down a recently harvested hill were three migrant workers in an ancient truck. No one else was around in the waning light of a Sunday evening. Without conscious thought, I was racing towards them, too fast for any of my prey to see me. I heard a sound that should have stopped me in my tracks, but the monster was now in control, and my mate's voice didn't make any difference. All I knew was the red heat of the hunt and the aching void that was about to be filled.

The driver fed me first while the other two screamed in terror. The truck careened down the hill, tossing the body of the first around as I drained the second. The third leapt from the cab, but I was on him before he hit the ground. I heard Alice pleading. I heard the crash of metal hitting wood. I felt the terror of my victims rip me apart while the void was filled and the beast satiated.

And then I realized what I had done, without even a single coherent thought. I looked up into Alice's sad eyes, crimson into gold, and screamed.

She did not follow me this time as I ran.

I was surprised it was Rosalie. Of all the Cullens, she was the last one I suspected would want to find me here, unless of course it was to confront me. She came at me slowly, which was wise, circling first before stepping through the trees. She did not enter timidly, but rather looked straight into my crimson eyes.

"I wasn't who you were expecting, was I?" she said with a smile.

"Nope. I knew Alice would send someone, but I never thought it would be you. Mighty big risk you're takin'."

"Not really," she smiled again. "I have reinforcements. If Alice sees anything, Edward and Emmett will be here."

"Why you?"

"I don't know. Alice saw that you wouldn't run if it was me. I believe it's because I have a lot in common with you. It is rather annoying that Alice's visions never tell her _why_ something will happen."

I shook my head at her. "What do I have in common with you? Do you often lose control and kill without thinking?"

"No, I've always thought my kills through very carefully," she said with a smile as cold as ice. "Does that surprise you?"

I raised an eyebrow. She didn't look like the murderous type, though she did feel like it.

"I have another surprise for you. I've never tasted blood. Not once," she laughed. It was a cracking sound more like shattering glass than a voice. I was stabbed with a ripping pain that cut through me so quickly I gasped.

She cocked her head to the side and I stared at her, wondering how she kept that hidden.

"Oh, that's right," she nodded to herself. "I'll try to keep it inside."

I looked at her, still reeling from the hurt and sheer rage emanating from her. I tried to give her peace and happiness, though I did not feel them myself. Her emotions were too much like mine, festering sores that caused constant pain. I could not let her suffer when I could stop it. I had once been a better man than that.

Her eyes grew wide and then she looked away. "Thank you," she said.

I nodded, though I knew she didn't see.

"As I was saying, we are alike, I think."

"How so?" I knew, though. I had felt those very things within me.

"We both hate ourselves because we know exactly how evil we truly are. We both were changed because of what we could give to our makers, and not because our makers cared for us," she said, bitterness clipping her words.

"If you've never tasted blood, you aren't anything like me."

"No? I think I am." She moved over to a space under the starlight and looked up at it. "I killed the men who killed me by torturing them to death. I was very careful and never broke their skin. It was like a game for me. I broke their bones and laughed as they screamed. I enjoyed it, and I would do it a thousand times over."

"What men killed you?" I asked, not understanding her words, but knowing all too well each emotion she felt.

"I was engaged to be married a man named _Royce_." She hissed out his name like a curse word. "I barely knew him, but he had what I wanted: money and the ability to give me a house filled with children. One night I ran into him and his friends. They had been drinking. It was dark and cold, and no one was around to hear me scream."

I looked at her face. She was more beautiful than any other of our kind, and as she looked at the stars, she was lovely. Lovely and hollow. The pain raged through her again, and I stilled it as best I could.

"Thank you," she smiled a bit, but didn't turn to me. "Carlisle came and took me from the street. He tried to save me, but when he realized he couldn't, he changed me thinking it was for the best. It was for _his _best, not mine." She turned her hard eyes to me. "Do you know why I wanted to be wealthy? It's because I was pretty. I was prettier than anyone else, and my parents instilled in me that I should have wealth because of my beauty. I had to be perfect every day, and I loved the attention that they gave me. I wasn't just their daughter; I was their key to the good life and high social standing. I was a thing to be used. No one ever asked what I wanted, because my desires didn't matter. The sad thing is that I was fine with it, proud of it even. I thought I deserved it all.

"I was violated because I was pretty. That's why Royce liked me, and that's why he let those men touch me. I was pretty, and I was a thing to them, too: a toy to be played with and then destroyed.

"Carlisle found me and brought me home because I was pretty. He wanted a mate for Edward, someone to make Edward happy like him and Esme and keep him from leaving them again. He condemned me to this hell because of my beauty." Her voice became nothing more than a whisper on the night wind.

"You were changed because you had something someone wanted, too. You were changed because you benefited another. Do you hate your gift, Jasper?"

"Sometimes, but I would rather have it than not. I hate what my gift made me do. I hate that it led me to this life, but I don't hate what it is," I said, trying to make sense of it.

"My face and body were my blessing, and yet they were also my curse. No one ever asked me what I wanted to be. Never. Not even Carlisle. They all just used me. In the end, none of it mattered. I can never have a home full of children, and Edward and I can barely stand each other.

"Do you know why I dislike Edward? It's because he was the first one _not_ to want me for my face. He knew my every thought and desire, and as I lay burning, he rejected me. He refused to love me."

"I'm sorry for your pain," I said, and I was. "I didn't realize where all that anger and hate came from."

"You're still trying to make it better, aren't you?"

"Yes'm. Do you want me to stop?" I asked.

She shook her head and looked at the stars again and relaxed. I began to feel other things from her. Familiar things.

"You remind me of my grandmother," I said. She looked at me curiously, but said nothing. "My grandmother had been hurt all her life because of her physical appearance. She was very tall, and large, and not comely whatsoever. She grew strong under the constant strain of whispers and stares. You have that strength too."

A small smile played on her lips. "Thank you... that may be the kindest thing anyone has ever said to me."

"It takes a special woman to endure what you did and still find a way to live and be happy." She beamed at me, and for a moment, I could see the young woman who wanted a simple life and a happy family. Just as quickly as the smile came, it dropped from her face.

"Do you want to know why I feel so much hate?" she asked sadly.

"Isn't it because of what those men did to you?"

"No, it's because of what I did to me," her eyes looked at the horizon, but saw only her past. "I was ready to achieve all my dreams, to have everything I wanted, but because of my beauty, it was all taken away. Royce attacked me and left me for dead. Carlisle bit me and then apologized while I lay screaming. Over and over, he said he was sorry and that I should try to remember my past. They told me to focus on the faces of my family, but all I could see were the faces of the men who violated me. I replayed that horrid memory and took refuge in my justified rage. I stoked the hatred I felt until it was as hot as the fire in my veins. I hated those men. I hated Carlisle and Esme and Edward. I hated the beauty that had cursed my life, and when I awoke, all that anger was frozen into me. The truly sad thing is that I knew what I was doing when I did it. I wanted to feel anger. I had a right to it."

"If you hate the Cullens so much, how do you live with them?"

"At first, I was an outsider. I tried to hurt them, to punish them for what they did to me. Esme and Carlisle are hard to hate, though, and their love finally broke through to me. I have learned to love them in my own way. Edward and I are getting along as well as we can."

She took a deep breath and looked at me. "Do you want to know the worst part? Every time I see my reflection, I feel happy. It's sad, if I think about it. The thing I should hate the most still makes me happy. My parents did a good job of teaching me to be vain, didn't they?"

"You have to live like that forever?" I asked, but it came out sounding more like a statement.

"It was horrid at first, but once I found Emmett, it got better. I don't think about it anymore. Not really. I just look at my reflection and my mate and stay happy with what I see." She smiled contentedly. "The only thing that gave me joy before Emmett came was killing my attackers. Nothing has ever felt so wonderful to me, and I wish every day that I still had a few more to kill. It wasn't the need for blood, though, that gave me so much joy; it was deeper than that. Hearing them scream gave me the most exquisite feeling I have ever known. It was total euphoria, and for a moment, I was in heaven. Every day, I wish I could get that feeling back. You know what it's like to need that feeling, don't you?"

I nodded, astounded that this beautiful creature was indeed like me. I had been eternally damaged by what I had done, and she by what had been done to her.

"I don't want to kill 'em. I truly don't, but I need the blood so much it hurts more than the burn of venom ever could. I thought nothin' could be as bad as our physical thirst, but it turns out I was wrong. I don't even know if I should try to feed from animals. I feel like I am going against my very nature, and I'm not sure it's worth it."

She looked at me strangely. "It's worth it. It has to be."

I shook my head. "I want to believe that, but I don't know that it's true."

"The worst part of killing those men was when Royce was finally dead. There wasn't anyone else. I knew right there that I would never feel that kind of euphoria again. The only time I've tried to cry in this life was when I realized I had no one left tokill. I still want it, that feeling." She turned her beautiful, cold eyes to me. "I guess it's a good thing my parents taught me not to care about more than my looks. If I thought too much about what I am, I think I would be much more dangerous."

I didn't answer her, because I was sure she wasn't talking with me any longer. Finally, she stirred and said, "You are very lucky, Jasper. You aren't frozen like me. You think you are, but you can overcome these feelings. I know you can, because you've already overcome so much in the two weeks we've known you. All of us know what it feels like to need blood; it's what we all are. No one blames you.

"You need to know, it's worth it. I've only met a few other vampires, but I know that being free from the need to kill is worth it all," she said fervently.

We stood looking at each other for a moment. "I don't want you to leave us Jasper. Carlisle says we need each other, and I think he's right. As much as I don't want to admit it, you make me feel better. When you are with us, you make us happier."

Most people would have given up in her place. They would have killed for the pleasure of it and taken their revenge on everyone. Yet she lived in this family and built a life for herself despite all that pain. If she could do it, perhaps I could as well.

"Rosalie, you may be the strongest woman I have ever met, and I'm glad I make you happier."

She beamed at me. "You know, I don't think I would mind you being my brother. You do look like me. We could be siblings, but you have to be a Hale. I refuse to use another name."

Something about the way she said that made me proud, like I was somehow good enough for her.

She smiled at me, and walked silently back to the others. The forest was vacant except for Alice. She was there, loving me as always. The one thing I wouldn't ever deserve was the one thing that I never had to doubt.

"It worked," I called into the night. "You did good."

She appeared at the end of the dark woods, glowing beautifully in the starlight. She was unsure of herself.

"I will be all right," I said, and for the first time in a long time, I believed the words.

She smiled and slowly approached me. Even after committing murder, she adored me. Rosalie said it was worth it. Living free of the binding power of blood was worth it.

I knew, right then and there, why marrying my mate was so important. Carlisle was right. It wasn't just for her, but it was for me as well. I had turned my back on anything that would bind me. I had lived as the selfish monster until I met Alice. Those vows only meant something if I accepted them as binding. Accepting those fragile words as my life's promise and purpose weren't just a gift to Alice; they were also a promise to me. A promise that I would finally accept her love for me.

"It was only a mistake, Jasper," she said as she stepped into my embrace. "They aren't angry, and neither am I."

"I know," I whispered into her hair. "I am sorry. I will try harder."

"Don't try for me, anymore. Please don't do this for me. Do only what _you_ want to do, and be only what _you_ want to be."

I looked down at her, and knew then that I would indeed do now what I wanted to do. I wanted to bind myself to her, so that I could finally fully believe it.

"Don't worry, Beloved. I am right where I want to be, and I'm doin' what I want to do."

Emmett grinned happily as the lightning flashed over the field.

Carlisle and Esme would be back any time, but the thunderstorm today meant that we could play baseball close to the house, and that was something that none of the Cullens wanted to miss. Alice assured us that they would read the note we left and join us here.

I took my position and kept my head down. No one had even mentioned my red eyes since my return yesterday, but I didn't want to face them, nevertheless. I was grateful it was baseball this time because in my current mood, I could not imagine being touched, much less tackled. We began our play with the traditional warm ups, useless but calming.

We would play two on two, with Rosalie pitching, until Carlisle and Esme returned. I was grateful for his absence. They had been told of my mishap and had already forgiven me, but I loathed the idea of seeing them again with red eyes.

If Edward knew of my mindset, he hid it well.

Alice and I took the field. Rosalie's first pitch was a strike, but he hit the second. Alice was in the trees before the bat shattered against the ball. He didn't stand a chance. She got him before he rounded second base.

"Damn it!" he yelled as Alice hit him with the ball hard enough to knock him down. "There has to be a rule against seeing where the ball will go," he roared in frustration.

Alice's merry laugh lilted across the field. "I won't go after it until you actually hit the ball from now on. Better?"

"Not really," he said as he sulked back up to home.

Next up was Edward. I watched as he strode up to bat, much more sure of himself than Emmett because he had the advantage of speed.

Rosalie threw a curve ball, but Edward still made a strong hit. True to her word, Alice waited until the crack of the bat before moving. She shot from the field and easily intercepted the ball just inside the tree line. Edward, however, was coming up on third fast. I ran towards him and she threw me the ball, but I was just a hair too late. He dove for home as I leapt at him. We hit with the sound of canon fire, and he laughed as he rolled on the ground.

"One!" laughed Emmett as he pulled us up from the ground. I tossed aside the ball I had crushed, string billowing in the wind as it sailed overhead.

Emmett smirked as he took the new bat. Rosalie's curve ball was, but he bunted on her speed ball and headed for first.

Alice knew ahead of time, but couldn't move until the bat made contact, then we both raced up for the slowly rolling ball as Emmett sped past the bases. The ball was far too close to snatch before his foot landed on the granite stone we used as home. In desperation, Alice pitched the ball at him again. This time, Emmett easily deflected it with a kick, and the ball split with the force.

Edward hit the ball too high, and I caught it for our second out. We tagged Emmett again for the third out and then it was our turn to bat. I enjoyed the game, and began to forget my red eyes as I joined in the siblings' endless banter.

Alice and I scored twice before my hit went too high and was caught by Edward. I swear he used Alice's vision to get to it.

He smirked at me, confirming my suspicion. Before I could comment, two figures emerged from the trees. Carlisle and Esme came in smiling at us all. Neither their faces nor their emotions bore any resentment towards me.

Carlisle carried a bag of new balls.

"'Bout time," Emmett greeted him with a slap on the back and proceeded to open the bag and dump them in the bag with the others. "Now that you two are here, we can finally stop the cheating duo here." He pointed at Alice and Edward. "Alice, you're pitcher!"

"Always the pitcher, never at bat," she mumbled as she took the mound from Rosalie. As this was our first game with them, her sour mood must have come from a vision.

"I don't care when you're at bat," said Emmett. "I care when you're in the field." He really hated the fact that Alice knew where a ball would go before the hit. I didn't say anything - Emmett had a point about that.

"You may be the pitcher, but I am forever stuck as umpire," Esme said as she took up position as catcher.

"That's because you're the only one we won't argue with," chuckled Edward.

Carlisle took Alice's place without a word and our game resumed.

Carlisle was a good player. He was the most powerful hitter after Emmett. After two more innings, Edward's team was winning by one run, and our ball supply was getting low. Emmett went to dig out yet another ball, but he paused as he brought it out.

He looked at the thing curiously and then called out, "Hey, Jasper, it's yours."

I looked at him in confusion as he hurled the ball at me, but even as it streaked across the field, I could see the words, "For Jasper," written in a strong hand across its surface. It was Carlisle's writing. I caught the thing and turned to look at him.

"I thought you should equate the game with good memories," he said with a smile and a feeling of pride.

I looked at the small ball and realized that the thing had been re-stitched. Something was inside it. I heard Esme take in a breath and felt her joy grow in unbounded leaps.

"It was the only way I could think of to surprise Alice," Carlisle whispered with a small chuckle.

And then I knew.

Their trip to Portland and decision to bring extra balls had been part of a plan. They had done this for her. For me. They had done this for us. I was going to make Alice's secret desire come true.

"You'd better hurry," said Edward with a nod at Alice whose face had just gone blank.

_**Alice**_

I watched curiously as several emotions crossed Jasper's face and tried to figure out why a baseball would cause them. It looked like a normal baseball: white and round. A vision flashed through, showing me that Jasper would rip the thing in half, and again I wondered at the significance of an old baseball. I began to walk towards him, watching as understanding dawned on his face. He looked up at me with wide eyes and a growing smile. My mind filled with him kneeling before me for some reason, and suddenly he was shaking me.

"No, Alice, not this time," he said, his words thick with his drawl. A smile, wide and boyish, had transformed his face.

"Don't look," he pleaded.

"I'll try not to."

He held out the ball and looked at it tenderly before ripping the thing in half. String and filling flung into the wind. I watched the tangled mess stream away and then plummet to the ground in the rain. The rain suddenly came down in torrents, and lightening laced across the sky, putting everything around us in bright contrast.

I looked around into the faces of my family as they moved closer. Emmett and Rosalie were curious. Edward was beaming, as was Carlisle, who held Esme. Esme covered her smiling face with her hands and looked as if she wanted to cry.

I turned back to my mate and tried to hold off the visions that were tugging at my mind. Jasper was joyous, holding up the two halves of the ball like they held a treasure. Jasper's hair plastered itself to his face, and he looked just as he did the first day we met. Lightning flashed again, and something in the wet, matted mess inside the ball shimmered.

Jasper's hand took the shiny thing from the ball in an instant, and there in his hands was a beautiful silver ring arrayed with diamonds. The ones on the sides were smaller than the large circular stone in the middle.

The ring dropped below me, and Jasper was kneeling.

He was proposing.

_He was proposing._

_To me._

Jasper stayed on the ground before me, for once not caring where the others were. His eyes were focused only on me, and I was lost in him. No one else in the world mattered right now. I no longer felt rain or heard thunder, I only knew the beauty of my mate and the ring he held between us.

"My beautiful Alice. Alice, who has no other name. Alice, who has no past," he began, his voice quivering. "Alice, who does things the wrong way so that they come out right. Alice, who loves me though I will never deserve that love. Alice, who is... who is my mate." His voice failed him, but he held up the ring with one hand as he pulled my left hand from my side. The ball I had been holding fell unheeded to the ground. He looked from the ring to me, his face filled with wonder.

"Alice, you are the center of my very life and my sole salvation. You have become my only source of hope and joy. Will you now consent to become my bride and marry me for all eternity?"

I was lost in him. His joy was so utterly complete that I was unable to think for a moment. I only looked at him, caked in mud and drenching wet, and knew that he had knelt for me. He had done this because he loved me.

I was supposed to say something; something wise and wonderful. I commanded my lips to move and tell him what his love and joy had done for me. What it had done to me. But my mouth wouldn't move. My lips parted, and a single, small word came out. "Yes."

It sounded weak and strangled as it tried to escape my clenched throat.

The ring was instantly on my finger, and I was swept up into his arms.

I heard Emmett let out a whoop. I heard the glad shouts of the others. I felt their arms around us. I heard the words they uttered but didn't understand them.

Right now, all I understood was our love, radiating between us and the serene joy of being chosen by him again.

* * *

I need your help. In December, Stephenie Meyer's Twilight Companion will be released. That is when we will all finally know exactly what happened to Alice and when the date of her marriage is. Until then, I want you to help me decide when they get married. The only information she gave about them is that they joined the Cullens in 1950 and were married shortly after that.

So… When do you guys want the wedding to take place? Right away in the fall? Winter? Shall we wait for Spring?

Please let me know your choice in either a review, pm or by contacting me at Kayla_Openhome charter . net (remove the spaces). I look forward to hearing from you.

I will be in Montana on vacation for the next week. If you don't hear from me, that is why.


	22. Chapter 22: Echos of Eternity

_**Thank you all for your incredible patience as I languished over this chapter. I intended to post this mid-September, but my life took a few harsh hits as I was trying to get the mood and tone right. If you follow me on Twitter, you know that my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer, and I had to focus on them.**_

_**In the meantime, YOU GUYS ROCKED MY WORLD by voting We Who Are Left Behind as best all-human love story in the Single Shot Awards. THANKS SO MUCH! **_

My super-beta Remylebeauishot was a huge help and anchor as I tried to focus on getting the wedding right. Thanks so much, Remy! You know I love you!

You all voted, and it came up Winter with Spring as second place. You will see how it all played out in the story. I truly hope this chapter is all it is meant to be.

As always, Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and all its plots and characters. I own all original characters and a dying mini-van. Do I let it die of natural causes, or shoot the darn thing?

* * *

_**Alice**_

Jasper didn't put me down. Even as I held out my hand for my family to see the ring, he held me tight against him.

"That was beautiful," said Rosalie with a soft edge to her normally harsh voice. "But why on earth was there an engagement ring in a baseball?"

"It was my idea," Carlisle said. "Jasper has been wanting to surprise Alice with this for a while, and this was the only way I could think of to let him do it. Alice, I hope the ring is to your liking. Esme designed it and we had it made in Seattle."

"_You _did this? You did this for me?" My voice was squeaking. "It's perfect!" I looked at the ring in new wonder. Jasper had wanted this for me. Carlisle said he had wanted it for a while. Carlisle and Esme snuck around, trying not to decide anything so that it could happen. They had the ring specially made, just for me. I was overwhelmed.

I was also very impressed. Carlisle was much more devious than I had thought. I had seen a vision of Esme at the jewelry store, but I hadn't paid much attention to it. I looked at the ring again and marveled at how perfect it was.

It was made of white gold, and bore a large solitaire in a square placement. It wasn't like most rings, circular and geometric. Rather, it flowed and undulated around in its circle like a vine. The main band was studded with diamonds, and from the main band, leaf shapes burst out. It wasn't a ring as much as a work of art.

"I wanted you to be reminded of life when you looked at it," said Esme with an uncertain smile. "You seemed to love the garden, so I asked them to make it seem alive. If you like it, the wedding band can be made to fit against the band here. They lock together."

"The center solitaire is for you," continued Carlisle, pointing at the ring as he spoke. "Jasper said you were the center of the universe for him, so we wanted a lone solitaire around which other diamonds were set. Esme designed this one so that there are seven diamonds on each side, each representing one of us. The largest of them is next to the solitaire, and it is for Jasper, who should always be closest to you."

"It's all right that they did this for us, isn't it? If I had gotten the ring, you would have known. I know you don't like surprises, but I thought you would be okay with this one," Jasper said softly looking at the ring.

My eyes felt puffy, and there was a strange pressure there. I looked to my family, and wanted to tell them that they had fulfilled my greatest dream. I wanted to tell them how utterly wonderful they were, but I couldn't. My throat was too constricted. I looked to each one, because they had all had a hand in this. I hoped my eyes conveyed what my voice couldn't.

"She says, 'Thank You,'" Edward said for me. I nodded rapidly in agreement.

0~*~0~*~X~*~0~*~0

They decided that a night of dancing was in order, and the family raced back to the house. Even then, Jasper still held me tightly in his grip, and I wrapped my arms around him, kissing his neck and chest as he ran with me. I watched my ring flash in the dappled half-light of the forest. It sparkled, even in the rain. I lay in the arms of my Beloved knowing that the complete joy I felt there came from him.

He had asked for my hand in marriage because _he_ wanted to. It was an incredible thought.

The seven of us ran into the house and headed to our rooms. As soon as the door slammed shut, Jasper pinned me against the wall. He kissed me long and hard on the mouth and then traced sweet kisses down my neck, ripping my blouse as he went. I laughed merrily, not caring who heard me.

"You're so happy," Jasper said smiling at me.

"Of course I'm happy!" I yelled to anyone who could hear. "I'm going to be a bride!" I laughed again, simply to celebrate the wonder of my life.

"And the bride had better come out to dance or we are coming in," yelled Emmett.

Jasper growled in reply, and I giggled. "Don't you want to dance?" I asked, playfully twisting my body against his. He responded by letting his hands roam freely up my wet, ruined shirt.

"Yeah, but not anywhere near them," he mumbled, and he thoroughly kissed me again.

Emmett pounded on the door, again. "You know we can hear you," Emmett said from outside the door. I couldn't help but laugh.

"I don't find it funny," Jasper whispered as he nipped at my ear.

Jasper sighed and released me. I kissed him quickly on the nose and went over to our shower. I didn't close the curtain, and Jasper quickly joined me. This was going to be a blissfully long night, and I couldn't wait to get to it, but first, I wanted to celebrate with my family. At least that's what I told myself as Jasper and I cleaned each other.

Edward was going to need to leave, maybe for a couple of days.

Emmett's laugh was only barely muffled by the water. "Edward just told me what you were thinking," he taunted. "Come on out, or I promise I'm coming in."

"Poor Rosalie is going to need to find another mate," Jasper hissed in my ear as I turned off the water. We dressed in party clothes and headed downstairs where Edward was already playing the piano.

The living room furniture had been completely removed except for a few items against the wall. Esme had brought in candelabras, and the room was now lit with soft, flickering light.

Edward was already playing a waltz. As happy as I was, seeing him sit alone on his piano made my chest ache for him.

Then, Jasper, my unwilling partner, pulled me into a twirl, and we were_ finally_ dancing. He had remembered all I'd taught him, and his hands held me firmly as he led me in the dance. He was smiling the most brilliant smile I'd ever seen. His happiness radiated from him and filled the room.

He was relaxed at last, and the scars of his past seemed to fade. The subtle change in him made him breathtakingly handsome, almost commanding, and when I finally looked into his eyes, I was instantly lost in them. When the song ended, I didn't even realize it. We all clapped, and Edward took a hammed up bow. It was then that I realized we had danced alone.

"May I?" asked Carlisle, stepping up to me. Jasper smiled at him and placed my hand into Carlisle's. Edward began a more upbeat piece, and Carlisle swirled me around the room. He was a brilliant dancer.

"Do you truly like your ring?" he asked, barely speaking.

"It's more perfect than you can ever know," I breathed to him. Carlisle's return smile was so loving, that it made my stomach flutter.

When we turned, I saw Rosalie and Emmett dance. Their movements were grandiose, but the style suited them well. Then I watched as Jasper touched Esme's shoulder. Carlisle's fingers flexed in mine for a moment, and I looked at him. His face showed surprise, but his smile widened as Jasper took Esme out into the floor. When we twirled again, I saw Edward beaming at us all.

Once again, the song ended, and Edward sat alone.

"Alright, little brother, how about something a bit faster for my turn?" Emmett called out. Edward frowned at him, but nodded. He hated it when Emmett called him "little," which Emmett did as often as he could_ because_ Edward hated it.

Edward began a swing piece, and suddenly, Emmett's hands grabbed me from behind and I was twisting in the air. He caught me before I landed and began to dance with me jitterbug style. Jasper watched us carefully, but with a pleasant smile still on his lips. I was so proud of him, because a few weeks ago, seeing Emmett toss me in the air would have resulted in a beheading.

Our dance finished with a fast twirl, and Jasper was at my side again. I jumped up into his arms and kissed him. To my right, Rosalie took the piano from Edward, and he stood hesitantly. I felt Jasper's arms tense. Edward walked towards us.

"May I have the honor of dancing with the bride to be?" he asked, holding his hands behind his back.

Jasper looked at him for a brief second before answering. "Of course you may," he said stiffly but graciously. Once again, he placed my hand into that of a Cullen. Rosalie played another waltz for us, and I danced in the arms of my brother. There was something so sweet in using that word for him.

"Thank you," he whispered. "He loves you. He loves you like no man I've ever seen loves a woman. He wants to marry you just as much as you want to marry him. I just thought you should know that."

I smiled at him. _You really are incredible. You are truly a __**good **__man, and I think you should know that. _

Edward smiled and twirled me around.

And so the night went. We danced with each other, swaying to everything from waltzes to the Charleston, everyone celebrating what the family had worked to accomplish. Sometime very soon, I would be wed, and they had all done their part to make it possible.

The morning light was just beginning to turn the sky pink, when Esme's request for a polka song instantly halted the sporadic conversation.

"Not again," Rosalie whispered loud enough for us all to hear. She dutifully stood and went to a closet with folding doors. Inside was a dizzying array of instruments neatly lining the walls. She snatched up a violin and handed it to Emmett. He looked stoic, which was a very strange look for him, and placed the violin under his chin. Esme just ignored their pained faces and smiled at Carlisle as they went to the center of the room. Rosalie plinked out an old folk song of some kind while Emmett accompanied her with a violin. Esme thoroughly enjoyed the simple dance.

"None of us are willing to even try to play the accordion," Edward whispered to Jasper and I. "I love my mother, but I refuse to stoop that low no matter how much she loves the polka."

I giggled. I didn't blame him.

"Do you play?" he asked us in a more normal voice.

I shook my head. "I love to sing, but I haven't learned to play an instrument. I find the radio suits my needs well."

Edward looked to Jasper, and to my surprise, he nodded. I couldn't believe that in all our time together, I hadn't even bothered to ask him.

"I played harmonica as a boy - we all did. My Pa taught me the fiddle. When I was in Monterey, I learned to play guitar in the Spanish style, but my favorite instrument is the trumpet. I learned that in the Army."

"You play the fiddle?" asked Emmett over the music.

"It's been a while, but I'm a fair fiddler," Jasper said with heavy drawl.

"Well, alright, then!" Emmett said with a nod. He finished the duet with Rosalie and then shoved the violin at Jasper. With an odd twang to his voice, he said, "Let's see what ya' got."

Jasper looked at the instrument and took it from Emmett. He gently fingered the strings and then tucked it gingerly under his chin. He pulled the bow across a few times slowly beginning a tune that sounded part folk song and part jig. As the song progressed, he became more comfortable with it and played with enthusiasm. Rather than ending the first song, he easily transitioned right into another that was quicker and more complex.

Emmett whooped. He began to clap and stomp his foot hard enough that I feared for the floor. He danced around Rosalie, who stood utterly still, glaring at the wall. I heard Esme giggle.

Then Emmett circled us in a kicking style of dance that I'd seen in the hills of Kentucky and Tennessee, still clapping in time to Jasper's song. With the final, high note, Emmett jumped into the air and let a whoop.

Everyone clapped and laughed at him, except Rosalie. Her face was unreadable.

Jasper stood with the violin by his side, grinning and watching Emmett. The bow was nearly hairless after the songs.

"Whoo!" Emmett called out and then began laughing. "I haven't had that much fun in ages. You know how to play the good stuff!"

"_Good _is a relative term," teased Edward. "You play well. Were those songs from your past?"

"My past and a little of my present. I didn't have much spare time when I was with Maria, but I enjoyed playing music. It gave me something worthwhile to do."

"What do you play on the trumpet?" asked Carlisle, handing Jasper the shiny instrument.

"I learned to play it a little in the army, but a newborn named Buddy taught me how to play it right. He was changed during our battles near New Orleans. I learned to love their music."

"Won't you show us?" asked Esme. Jasper looked hesitant, but put the horn to his lips and blew into it. It sounded like a strangled goose.

"It's harder than it looks," he said with an apologetic look. "You have to form a perfect seal around the mouthpiece or it won't work, but our lips tend to bend the metal."

He licked his lips twice, and made an odd kissing motion with them. Then, he put them to the horn and really blew. The notes came out true and loud and shrill. He blew several flourishes and then looked to us.

"She didn't say exercise with it, she said _play _it, man!" encouraged Emmett.

There was a mischievous twinkle to Jasper's eye as he put the horn to his lips again. He took a breath, and let the music fly.

The sound of jazz filled the house. The notes were quick, lively, and undulating. Suddenly, there was an undercurrent of sound, and Edward was at the piano, doing an impromptu duet with Jasper. Emmett and Rosalie began to dance to the music, and soon, Carlisle and Esme were following their lead. I began to sway to it as well, enchanted by the complex notes and the happy feeling they left.

Jasper and Edward watched each other, sending messages through both thought and motion so that the duet was incredibly smooth. After a while, the music turned a little slower, and the mood shifted with it. Jazz became Blues, and the couples held each other as they swayed to the long, sad notes.

I just stared in wonder at my mate. He was transformed. He wasn't Jasper, the weary soldier who was at the mercy of every emotion in the room; he was Jasper who was lost in music. He was totally immersed in the sound and the beat, and I began to realize that music suited him perfectly. Just like him, music had the power to make people_ feel _something, to react with pure emotion.

There was something sensual to the way Jasper played. It wasn't like Edward, who found companionship and peace in the notes. Jasper _was_ the music, and he played what he felt. The soft, seductive notes called to me, sending messages to my mind and body. My skin began to long for his touch as I watched him. I needed to love him.

The final song was sultry, and I knew that our dancing was over. When Jasper looked at me again, it was with eyes that burned with his desire for me. I barely heard the clapping as they ended the impromptu duet. The morning light streamed into the home, and the room changed from soft white to a million dazzling prisms of color. Jasper put the trumpet away and turned to me. He was made of rippling light, and his face was surrounded by gold. I went to him and kissed him, not caring who watched.

"So you didn't know he was a Jazz man?" asked Emmett.

"No," I answered breathlessly. We needed to leave, because I needed my mate in an almost painful way.

"I wanted to surprise you," Jasper said. "I knew you liked Jazz, I was just waiting for the right time.

"Oh, you have surprised me today, my _Jazzy_. You have." I kissed him again, and was swept up into his arms. Within a second, we were in our room. I tried to get a coherent warning to Edward before I was lost in Jasper, but I doubted he was around to hear it. Our love was going to be loud and long.

We didn't come down for four days. We had a lot to celebrate.

0~*~0~*~X~*~0~*~0

I watched the shadows form on the wall as the sun rose. I was safely wrapped in my mate, lazily touching his skin and relishing his touch in return. My thoughts, though, were beginning to focus on the wedding. By the time we were willing to untangle ourselves, my mind was already whirling with ideas.

"What are you thinkin'?" asked Jasper with an amused voice. I looked at him and loved him, my Jasper, my Jazzy. He knew me so well.

"I'm thinking about the wedding, of course," I admitted.

"I kinda wondered how long it would take you to get to that," he said with a deep laugh.

"It's an important day," I purred in his ear. "It has to be absolutely perfect."

"With you as my bride, it will be perfect," he said, nuzzling me.

"There's just so much to work out, so many choices. Oh, Jazzy! I still can't really believe I will _marry_ you!"

"Jazzy?" he asked and cocked his eyebrow at me. The half smile stretched across his face.

"Yes, _Jazzy_. My wonderful, surprising Jazz Man. I can't believe the sad soldier who nearly killed me in a diner played jazz for me."

"I hoped you would like it," he drawled, clearly pleased.

"I find something new to love about you every day," I said, looking at his face in wonder. That feeling of awe was just as potent today as it was two years ago. Soon, I would look on his face as he took me to be his wife, but only if we got to work. "Come on, we have a busy day ahead of us, and a lot of decisions to make."

"Okay," he said lazily, "but you should know that I already made the most important decision. I asked you to marry me, so the rest of them are up to you."

"Don't you want to help make decisions about the wedding?" I asked a little disappointed.

"Not really."

"But don't you want it to be the way you've dreamed it would be?"

"Alice, darlin', please don't take this wrong, but I've never once dreamed about a wedding. Once a man makes the decision to marry a girl, he doesn't really care about anything but the honeymoon night. Everything else that leads up to it is totally superfluous."

"You don't... care?" _How could he not care?_

"I care about marrying you, not the ceremony that leads to it. No man cares. Honestly, we just don't," he said with a grimace.

I opened my mouth to argue, but a thrust of calm hit me so hard that I was nearly dizzy.

"Not fair!" I hissed as he jumped over me and ran into the shower.

I lay back and thought about the wedding. I knew that there would be few people in attendance, but that didn't mean it needed to be a _small_ wedding. I was sure there were Catholic churches in the area. Those might be a bit large, but they were spectacular on the inside, and would make the wedding magnificent.

Of course, many modern weddings were now done outside. I wondered if we dared try that. An outdoor ceremony would allow for almost any theme, and would be quite avant-garde, but we would have to have it at night which would ruin the whole reason for having it outside.

The choices were endless, and my mind filled with ideas for flowers, bride maid's dresses, and my own bridal gown. It was almost too much to take in. Idea flashed after idea until my head was ready to burst. I sighed and went to join my mate in the shower.

He did an excellent job of distracting me.

As I dressed, I decided to focus on the immediate future. I saw clearly that the next few days were going to be a whirlwind of activity. Esme would take me to town to do some shopping, Rosalie and I were going to be sitting surrounded by magazines and drawing paper, and Emmett and Edward would be suddenly very busy with outdoor chores.

Men.

"Don't even think of joining them," I warned Jasper. He had one leg up to shove into his pants, and he looked at me in utter confusion. "You'll know what I mean when it's time, just understand that you shouldn't." I explained. His face went from confused to dumbfounded. I giggled at him and decided not to explain.

I finished getting dressed and hummed happily as I brushed my hair and watched myself in the mirror. The vision of my wedding day was quite clear now, and I could see the tight curls of my hair and the simple, beaded veil that I would wear. I was rather proud of it; it was quite stylish, even for me. I wondered where I would find it.

The earrings and necklace I would wear were a matching set of diamonds and pearls. They were lovely and fitted with the veil well, but they were more Esme's style than mine, and I wondered why I would choose them. Then I saw a vision of Esme placing them around my neck, and I understood.

"Something borrowed," I sang happily. Jazzy looked up from pulling on his boots. He looked worried. I smiled at him and went back to trying to see my dress.

However, as I was trying to get as much detail out of the dress as I could, the darn thing kept changing. There seemed to be two major types, but I could only see brief glimpsed of either one before the scene would shift. I couldn't focus on either one long enough to know which I liked best. Finally, I threw my hairbrush down in frustration.

"What?" he asked, looking at me in cautious confusion.

"I am trying to find out what to look for in my wedding attire, and the dress just won't cooperate," I stormed.

His lips twitched, and he became very busy oiling his boots.

"It's not funny! How on earth am I supposed to get it right if I can't see the stupid dress?"

"What kind of dress do you want?" he asked, not looking up. I could tell from his voice that he was laughing at me.

"How should I know what I want? Do you have any idea how many styles of dresses are out there? How am I supposed to choose without a clear vision?"

He switched to the other boot and rubbed hard enough to start a fire with the friction. "You do realize that other brides don't choose their dresses like this, right? Everyone else has to look at pictures or wear a relative's dress. Looking into the future is kinda like cheatin."

I growled at him.

Then I realized he might be right. We didn't even have a date set yet, so how could I know what kind of dress I wanted. First things first.

"Jazzy?" I purred.

He looked up at me suspiciously.

"When do we want to have the wedding?" I continued, ignoring him.

"How long do engagements usually run?"

"Um, usually between six months and two years," I said. I really wasn't sure, but that seemed about right.

"It takes two years to plan a wedding?" he asked, with a panicked look on his face.

"No, but I can't imagine being able to pull a decent wedding off in less than three months."

"So, at least three months away? September, then." He nodded as if that was it.

"It's not for convenience sake," I said, my hands on my hips. "The time of year should match us. A fall wedding is about home and comfort and food. Nice, but not quite what I want. Besides, autumn colors aren't my best, though they do match our eyes."

"Perhaps Rosalie and Esme could be of some help," he suggested, sounding a bit desperate.

They were going to help me today anyway. "You know, I think you might be right about that," I mused.

"Good," he said quickly, and then he darted out the door calling them.

"Chicken," I said under my breath. He just turned back, shot an eyebrow up, and continued down the stairs.

"What is it, dear?" asked Esme before I got to the bottom step.

Esme looked up at me expectantly as I followed my cowardly mate.

"I am just having trouble deciding when to have the wedding," I explained. Esme smiled knowingly, so I continued. "I want the date to match us; to be something special to us."

"What are your thoughts about the theme?" She asked, sitting at the table with a calendar and a notebook. Jasper went over to stand by Emmett and Edward. The traitor.

Edward looked at me, then Jasper, and then he snorted.

"Perhaps I should ask when you were thinking the date _should _be," she continued, shooting Edward a stern look.

"As soon as possible," Jasper replied.

"A wise choice," teased Emmett. Rosalie smacked him.

"Well, I don't want fall because there isn't much I can do with that season. I'm not sure about summer because it is so sunny, and that might create some problems. So, I was thinking either a spring or winter wedding," I said, waiting for the visions to show if I was right. The two gowns flashed in my mind, one a lovely cap sleeve dress with lace roses covering it, and the second a stunning long sleeved lace dress with embroidery and pearls. I sighed happily. This really was helping.

Edward chuckled, and I glared at him.

_These things are important! The dress is a one-time thing; it just __**has**__ to be right!_

"So… spring or winter then?" asked Esme, looking from Edward to me.

"Yes, I just need to choose which one I like best," I said.

"Which season you like best?" asked Rosalie.

"Not exactly. She's trying to base the wedding on which _dress _she likes best," Edward explained in a rather shaky voice. He thought this was hilarious. "She's choosing when to have the wedding based on the wedding gown."

"You have a dress picked out already?" Rosalie asked, a bit crestfallen.

"No, not at all, but I can see what they will look like, so once I decide which one I like, we can pick the date and then find that dress."

"But what if we find one you like better that you haven't seen in your visions?" she asked, knitting her brows together.

I sighed and tried to explain. "That's both the beauty and the ugly truth about my visions. No matter how hard we look and how many gowns I see, I won't like any as much as the two I see now. I don't know if I'll like them because I saw them in the vision, or just because they are the most perfect gown for me, but now that I've had a firm vision, there really is no reason to consider any other styles. That's what I'll wear because it's what I saw. Understand?"

Rosalie just looked at me. Her mouth opened twice, but nothing came out. Then she snapped it shut and looked helplessly at Edward. He burst out laughing. "Nope, not at all. Even when I see them I don't get it," he said.

I glared at him, and the image of Edward and Emmett running from the house hit me again, only this time Jasper was with them. I turned to glare at my mate.

"What?"

"I warned you about that," I said. Jasper now looked helplessly at Edward for an explanation.

_Don't you dare give him any ideas._

"Oh, no you don't!" he snapped at us both. "I refuse to be the monkey, or mind-reader, in the middle. You two work this out yourselves."

Emmett clapped Jasper on the shoulder. "God help you, brother," he said with a grin.

I looked at my frustrated mate and took a deep breath. This really wasn't fair to him, but I needed him here to help make the decisions. Of course, he probably wouldn't be much help.

"Nope," coughed Edward.

"Fine. I hope you're happy," I spat at him.

Edward grinned and shrugged. "You saw it, not me."

"You can go just as soon as we have a date picked out." I looked at my frustrated mate, and realized how far I was pushing him. "I really do need your input, Jazzy, so if you can wait until then, it would be helpful."

"I didn't even say I wanted to go anywhere," he said, exasperated again.

"You did, just not yet," I said as I sat by Esme. Edward sniggered.

"This is going to be good," Emmett chucked, and leaned back on the counter.

"So, the wedding date depends on the dress you like the most," mused Rosalie. "Well, what do the two dresses look like?"

I took a page from Esme's notebook and began to carefully sketch out the two dresses. It was odd how different they were. They were both breathtaking, but one was truly avant-garde in its design. It was petite and stunning in its simplicity, perfect for today's styles. The dress was tea length, but the skirt was smaller than normal, small enough that it would work with my small frame. It had clean lines and capped sleeves, and was covered in ribbon flowers that stood off the fabric.

The other was a beautiful mix of older styles melded with newer necklines and embroidery design. It was long sleeved and had a floor length skirt that was pleated. Over the tulle skirt were overlays of satin that were embroidered with flowers and beads.

I sighed and looked at both sketches. They were stunning. Each so different, but so perfect for me. I held them up for the girls to see, and realized that Jasper was behind me.

I screeched, and threw my body onto the table over the drawings. "You can't see these!" I screamed.

"If we are basing the date of our wedding on the dresses, and you want my input on the date, then I have to see them," he said slowly, as if he was speaking to a child.

I lay over the table, with my legs hanging over the edge, unsure of what to do. I wanted his input, but there was no way he could see the dress. Jasper just folded his arms and looked at me.

"Alice, I am marrying you, not a piece of clothing. I will marry you any time or any place you choose, but all _I _need is you." His cockeyed smile lit his face. "In fact,_ I_ would prefer you marry me naked, if truth be told. It will save time afterward, and I won't feel so bad shredding a dress."

Rosalie and Emmett crumpled into hysterics. Esme put her hand over her mouth and tried not to laugh.

"All right, that's it," I said, giving into the visions. "You can go out with the boys."

"Nice job, Jazzman!" Emmett said with a thump on Jazzy's back. They happily rushed out the door. I hadn't even sat back onto the chair before Emmett was back. "Edward says Jasper liked the winter one. It reminds him of his human life," he whispered and then he was gone again.

Rosalie took the two drawings from me and examined each. "They are lovely," she began, but then paused before continuing. "I suppose that's always the way, you know. There are only two types of weddings, really: those that take place for the marriage, and those that take place for the wedding. I know because I've had both. So the question is, what kind of wedding do you want? Do you wear the dress because it looks good to you, or do you wear one because it fits the one you love?"

I looked at the two dresses again. When it came down to it, I would have preferred the modern dress, but there was something almost haunting about the other. Something from another time and place. Then I knew. Of course there were two dresses, because I had two clear choices. It wasn't a choice between seasons; it was a choice between a perfect, fashionable wedding and a meaningful one.

I lifted the drawing of the long sleeved winter dress off the table and looked at it.

"That one will need to be made," said Rosalie. "It's one of a kind."

I smiled. Sometimes, the wisdom of my visions was astounding.

"So, winter then," said Esme happily. "I think that a one-of-a-kind dress for a one-of-a-kind couple is perfect. Jasper will do best with a quick wedding anyway. We all will," she mumbled.

She flipped open the calendar and began leafing through it. The whoosh of air and the slight squeak of the door were the only clues we had that Carlisle was trying to sneak out.

"No you don't!" called Esme without looking up. A quiet sigh came from outside.

"I let you hide in your office for the dress discussion, but we need your help, so come in and sit down. Besides, you'd better not leave without a decent kiss," she said playfully.

"I really do need to get to work. I'm covering Dr. Banner's shift."

"You will make it in plenty of time so long as you don't drive like the old man you are." She patted the chair next her, and Carlisle sat at the table looking rather uneasy.

"I'm not good at these things, Esme," he said firmly.

"What date in winter do you think we should choose?" she asked, undaunted. "If we have it after Christmas, we will have more time to work as a family. Otherwise the kids will be in school. What about New Year's Eve?"

Carlisle took the calendar and touched the pages, though he seemed to be looking at something else. "When I was human, we had very special meanings associated with all the days of the year," he began. "One of the greatest was the Winter Solstice. For us, the day after the Solstice was the day of the world's rebirth. For vampires, it is the day of freedom, for the night is longest then. I think it would be a good day for a vampire's wedding, especially one who is trying to live a new life." He looked at me and smiled his gentle smile, and I melted a little.

"The darkest day was the day of re-birth?" I asked. It seemed so strange, but somehow fitting.

"It symbolized the death of the earth, but at the moment of death, life began again. I've always held that day special," he said.

An image of Jasper and I standing in an icy forest under bright stars flashed through my head. The stars were the symbol of his promise. "I would love to be married on the day of re-birth," I said.

"The day of the solstice is December twenty-first. So you should be wed the next day. That would be Friday, December twenty-second. Shall I circle the date?" Esme asked.

I smiled and nodded, pulling the rough drawing to my chest. The date was set. I would be a winter bride.

0~*~0~*~X~*~0~*~0

"The gold and silver will look so nice in the candlelight," sighed Esme as she pulled the wide ribbon from the box. We'd had it special ordered, and when the box came, we just about terrified the poor postal worker with our happy shrieks. Apparently, postmen can't differentiate between happy and hungry sounds when it comes to vampires.

I let the gossamer fabric flow through my hands. It had taken us three weeks, but I found a small, old church twenty miles outside of Eugene that was simply perfect for us. It was small, traditional, and utterly charming with clapboard walls and tall, gothic stained glass windows. It had a clean, white interior, which meant that I could freely decorate as I wanted.

There would be very few people in attendance, so having a smaller church was exactly right. Besides, Jazzy felt much better about the small building than he did about the cavernous Catholic church we'd visited. The old Methodist chapel also reminded him of his youth, when he would sit with his grandmother in the church his grandfather led, and it reminded me of my first home in the belfry of the old church in Nashville. It wasn't the awe inspiring structure I had originally envisioned, instead it was a comforting place, a place that felt like home.

"Is it safe to come in?" called Emmett from the kitchen.

"No," we both yelled. Esme quickly covered the wooden body form that Emmett had carved for me. It was currently holding up the bodice of my dress.

"Okay, now," I called, and the school children entered the study. Edward shot me a dirty look for calling him a child.

"More? You got _more?_" gasped Emmett.

"We wanted a different satin, and the ribbon for the pew decorations finally came in," explained Esme.

Carlisle's poor office was unrecognizable. The wedding was six weeks away, and wedding decorations, sketches, fabric, lace and tulle, lots and lots of tulle, covered every surface of the room.

"What is that scent?" asked Rosalie. "It's heavenly."

"Those are the spices that arrived today. I hope the Denali sisters know what they are doing. It seems like too much, but they insisted that it was what we needed," said Esme, motioning to the heavy wooden box.

I knew what the chapel would look like on the day of the wedding, but I had no idea how it would get that way. The Russian trio and their Spanish companions were coming in a week to help. I had never met them, but when Esme wrote them of the impending winter wedding, they immediately sent a telegram saying that they were coming in November. Three weeks later, a letter arrived with specific instructions about what they needed for decorations, and an offer by Carmen to make the headpiece and veil. The Spanish were known for their lace skills.

I would have been angry at their brash offer, but as Esme read the long list of items, my mind filled with images of what they would do with them. It would be stunning. Crimson and white roses would be offset by the deep green of pine boughs. Hundreds of candles would glow from silver and brass candelabras. Gold and silver ribbon would link it all together.

I had no idea why they needed the spices.

"Why do they need spices?" asked Rosalie. Esme and I both shrugged.

"Why do they need any of it?" mumbled Emmett. "This place is giving me heebie jeebies," he said with a shudder.

"Is it really safe?" asked Jazzy.

"Yes," Esme and I answered in unison, again.

He walked in and I hopped into his arms and kissed him. Emmett chucked something about, "... so dang cute..," but I ignored him. We hadn't seen each other for almost eight hours, and we were entitled to some togetherness.

"How was reading?" I asked after coming up for air.

"Very interesting. I'm enjoying the classical works quite a bit," he answered. "I really like the tactics of the Greeks and the bloodiness of the Romans."

Carlisle had taken Jasper under his wing to give him what he called a "classical" education. The lessons each day were varied, but they mostly followed the path of human history. Jasper had finished the ancient world a month ago, and was now studying Greece and Rome. He had a special affinity for the Spartans.

It was a good thing that he was so distracted, because creating a wedding gown from scratch, and designing Rosalie's next one, took the entire school day. The intricate embroidered floral pattern, set with pearls and crystal beads, was well within my ability, but there was no rushing it. I thanked Myrtle and Hank for teaching me so long ago how to work with fabric.

I also spent my time re-working the Cullen family finances. Carlisle was good with money, but far too conservative for a boom time such as now, and he couldn't see the future. I was able to increase their return nearly ten percent in the first month alone. In a few days, we would be setting up fake businesses and investment firms to hide it all. Taxes were killing us, and we needed to make some of the cash disappear.

To help with all the new financial issues, we created the Whitlock Printing and Graphic Company and bought a set of printers. The ability to forge papers would streamline our business ventures and make it so that the family only needed to see lawyers when we actually wanted to be legal. Laws were such a pain.

"This box came for you, but it was delivered to the post office," said Edward, handing me a shoebox. I looked at it and gasped. The return address was Philadelphia. The box was opened instantly. Inside was a picture of Emily and Ralph with a huge baby. She was smiling happily at the camera. I touched the picture gently. Our lives would never cross again, but I was glad to know she was happy.

"It's my friend Emily," I said as I handed her picture to the curious family around me. "I sent her an invitation."

Under the picture was a simple note. It read:

_Alice, _

_You have no idea how much I want to be there for your wedding, but as you can see I am a little busy now. I hope you like my gift. It isn't anything nearly as grand as a house, but maybe you can use it. It can be your "something blue." _

_I miss you terribly. I hope we can meet again someday._

_Thank you for all you've done for us._

_Love,_

_Emily_

I reached under a layer of tissue paper and pulled out a French lace bra and panty set that was so sheer it was almost invisible. It was baby blue.

"It's done," I whispered. The poem was complete. My gown was new, the garter from Emily's wedding was old, Esme's necklace was borrowed, and this lovely set was blue.

I looked around the room again and realized that except for finding antique candelabras, shoes, and having the wedding bands made, we were almost finished with all the preparations.

"Since you are on that subject," said Edward, "Carlisle said you will be leaving for Seattle on Thursday."

Esme looked up suddenly from the picture of Emily and the baby. She had been staring at the photograph and touching it. "Thursday is perfect," she said tersely, "but it means that you won't be able to come with us."

"Seattle isn't fun when we have errands to run," retorted Rosalie. She was right; this trip wouldn't be much fun for her. We were going to be far too focused on finalizing the wedding.

Jasper and I needed to have the wedding bands made by the jeweler in Seattle. His band would match mine, but the design would be inlaid within the band. More importantly, he wanted to use the silver from the old bands his grandparent's had worn. I was thrilled when he told me. I knew those bands meant something truly special to him; they were his only physical link to his long lost humanity. The fact that he wanted them to be a part of our new wedding bands told me just how much this ceremony meant to him.

"That means we only have two days before we leave to have everything ready for the Denali coven's arrival," fussed Esme. She looked around the house, and all of us cringed.

The home was perfect in every way, except for Carlisle's office, but she would no doubt find _something_ wrong with it, and when she did, we would be put to work. I tried to see what Esme would want us to do, but Jasper nearly wrenched my hand off as he yanked me out of the house. The others were already hiding from Esme in the woods.

_**Jasper**_

I wasn't ready for this, and we all knew it. I hadn't eaten from a human since my mistake in the summer, and that was over four months ago. I ventured into town only occasionally, the watchful eyes of everyone never leaving me. I loathed that. I'd never gone so long. As we gorged ourselves on the useless blood of animals, I promised myself that I would not disappoint Alice again, but I knew how fragile that promise truly was.

The drive to Seattle was lively with each of us sharing stories of our pasts. Carlisle had a surprising array of them, and an excellent sense of timing. It wasn't until we entered the outskirts of the small city that he broached the topic of my weakness.

"Jasper, I know you are trying to keep yourself from feeding from humans, but I need to know if you can interact with the humans without danger of exposing us," he said calmly.

I swallowed and tried to answer honestly, aware of the silence that stifled the car. "I don't know. It's been a long time, but I haven't had many episodes with my memories. I think I can make it... but I'm not sure." The words burned as I said them.

Alice remained silent by my side, which told me more than any words she could say.

Carlisle pulled the car over to the side of the road. Ahead of us was a roadside diner filled with patrons. "Walk with me, please," Carlisle said. I winced, but followed him out of the car.

"You are a part of this _family,_ but you aren't like my other children, Jasper," he said as we drew closer to the brightly lit establishment, "and I don't expect the same discipline from you yet. Everyone, including Alice, makes mistakes; I don't expect you to have their level of discipline. Only a very few of our kind choose this path, and none of them came from a past like yours. It is enough that you try to live as we do, that you are willing to stay with us and attempt it."

"I will not do anything to harm the coven," I said in my defense. He held up a hand and gave me a supportive smile.

"I know you won't," he said. "I'm not condemning you, Jasper. In fact, you amaze me. You have fought against so much to find happiness and bring Alice joy. Don't do this to yourself. Don't push yourself so hard that you make a mistake."

I opened my mouth to reply, but just then the wind shifted, and the smell of human sweat and blood assailed me. Venom flooded my mouth and my muscles clenched in preparation for a kill. I could hear their hearts beating over the noise of the jukebox.

"Jazzy, he's right," Alice said quietly from behind me. "If you try and ignore it, you will make a mistake. I can see a dozen scenarios, and the only safe one is that you hunt first."

I closed my eyes against the disappointment and self-loathing that rushed in on me. I wanted so badly to do this for Alice, but wanting it was never enough. Not ever.

"I don't blame you for this. It will be a slow process, but you have done well, and can continue to improve. You must not push yourself, though." Carlisle spoke the last words as an order.

Another gust of wind brought searing pain to my mouth and throat. I wasn't thirsty, we had eaten right before we left, but being near humans again, after so many long weeks, had made the scent toxic. I was going to kill, and my anger boiled at that fact.

"There are dozens of fishermen who will returned from the sea today. I can see some of them sleeping off a hangover by the wharves," Alice said tonelessly. She hated this as much as I did. "With the yellow in your eyes the red will diffuse, and you can use the amber glasses to hide the color. I'm sorry, Jazzy, but it's the only way."

"When did you know?" I asked in defeat.

"I saw it before we left, but there was still a chance that you might not kill a human. As we drove here, that chance became smaller and smaller. I kicked Carlisle's seat to tell him we needed to stop and check. When the first scent hit you, there was no longer any choice in your future."

Her words seared me. "No choice in your future." It made me sound weak and helpless.

Carlisle gripped my shoulder. "I'm sorry, son. I don't want this any more than you do, but we cannot allow for mistakes. You are still learning, Jasper, give yourself a chance to get used to this lifestyle. If you can make it to Seattle, I will go by the docks where you can fill your need. The jewelry shop is near there."

The remainder of the drive was quiet. Except for a few attempts at conversation, we said nothing more until the car stopped at the edge of the water district. Alice exited silently with me, but I shook my head. She looked as if she was going to say something but simply smiled sadly and returned to the car. They would see the sin in my eyes soon enough, I didn't want her to watch it from here.

"The wharf to your left," she whispered, and then the car was gone. The thick smell of fish hid the humans well in the building, but their drunken breathing led me to them. It only took a few minutes - the descent into Hell always does.

0~*~0~*~X~*~0~*~0

The infusion of human blood did what it needed to, and I walked the streets of Seattle in better control of myself. Still, I held my breath most of the day. Without the human blood filling the need, I would have decimated the jewelry store.

We easily wove between the human shoppers. The sidewalks of Seattle were filled with people, even in the cold drizzle of autumn, but the rain forced their eyes down, and umbrellas hid us from view. No one even noticed the amber glasses. They were surprisingly heavy. Tinted glass and wire didn't weigh much, but the reason for wearing them did.

Alice held my hand, excitement bubbling from her. If she was disappointed in me, I couldn't tell it. We halted in front of a small but elegant jeweler's store.

"Are you sure about this?" she asked, holding up her purse. Inside it were two mangled bands of silver.

I smiled at her. Of the myriad of things that I was uncertain of, this was most definitely not one of them. "I can think of nothing better for those two rings than for them to be a part of our wedding."

Alice smiled and did a small hop up to peck me on the lips. "Okay!"

Carlisle opened the door for us, and I stepped into the human establishment. I sipped air into my already full lungs, and immediately regretted it. The shop was thick with human scent. I forced myself to ignore the burning and focus on our task at hand. I looked to Alice, who went blank for a moment before nodding at me. Unless something went terribly wrong, this should be safe.

"Mrs. Cullen," said a warm voice. An old man wearing jeweler's glasses on his head greeted us. "Ah, I see you've brought others." I heard his heart begin to thump in his chest and immediately calmed him.

"This is the happy couple," Esme said gently. "And this is my husband, Carlisle." We all nodded, and Alice skipped up to the counter.

"You did such a beautiful job on the ring," she said. "We would like to order the matching wedding set."

"Ah, wonderful. Those designs were some of the most unique ones I'd ever seen. I'm glad you like them." He hobbled over to a cluttered desk and immediately found the sketches he wanted. Esme's artistic style was very evident in them. "Will you want them as she drew them?"

I looked at the bands. Alice's would fit perfectly with the engagement ring. Mine was a more normal ring, with a straight edge, and the design was contained within the band. It was the same design, but streamlined, and more masculine. I was relieved.

"Those will be perfect," I said.

"We have a question, though," said Alice. "Is it possible to use the silver from older rings to make the new ones?"

"Yes, we can add that to the alloy." He held out his hand. Alice quickly pulled out the old leather pouch, and dropped the rings into his palm. His eyebrows went up when he saw them.

"How old did you say these were?"

"They came from the early nineteenth century," said Esme easily. "They're family heirlooms."

"I'd say," he chuckled, turning them over in his fingers. "Yes, I can use them in the new bands. The bands will be ready in three weeks." He turned and began to write out a sales slip. Alice gave me a quick hug and an adoring smile. I let out a sigh of relief. This task, at least, didn't end in disaster.

"We only have a short time," Alice said as we left the small shop. "They'll be here early Saturday, and we need to have everything ready for them. Carlisle, take Jasper to the antiques shop. I need as many candelabras as you can find. Esme and I will go look at lace ribbon and shoes."

They ran off down the wet sidewalk, leaving Carlisle and I alone in the rain. "She's going to want them all, isn't she?" he asked grimly.

"Yep. And she'll know if we don't find every single one," I answered just as morosely. We sighed in unison, and Carlisle led me down the road to find antique shops. I didn't know which was worse, that my life was reduced to this, or that I was happy about it.

0~*~0~*~X~*~0~*~0

We stood around in a semicircle outside of the home. Alice saw that they would be here within minutes, and the family gathered in all their excited nervousness. By my side, Alice was ready to rush forward to greet them the second they appeared. We had been told about the coven, of course. The three Russian sisters, all of whom were ancient, had the rather odd habit of loving human men. It was something Emmett and I had spent hours conjecturing on. Even Carlisle, with all his medical prowess, couldn't account for it.

Edward probably knew, but he refused to discuss it. He was such a prude about these things.

Everyone but Rosalie and I were thrilled with their coming. The mated pair were both Spaniards, and the male was gifted in the same way that Maria was. What was worse, he had once served the Volturi, and despite all of the families assurances, I would not trust him easily.

"Now," said Alice, and five shapes materialized from the forest.

The women were breathtaking, even with their hair and clothes disheveled by the run, they were stunning. They approached the family easily, with broad smiles and relaxed stances.

"Carlisle and Esme!" called the lead woman. She walked up and placed her hands on Carlisle's shoulders and kissed him on either cheek. Then she did the same with Esme.

"I'm so happy to have you here at last," Esme replied. "Welcome to our home."

The entire group exchanged pleasantries and kissed. Then Carlisle and Esme turned towards us.

"Katrina, Irina, Tanya, Eleazar and Carmen, may I introduce Alice and Jasper, our newest children," said Esme with a strong wave of pride. Each nodded as they were named, and then Alice stepped forward.

"Thank you so much for coming to help with the wedding," she said.

Irina came forward first and greeted Alice with the same double kiss on each cheek as she had the others. "I am so happy to meet you," she said. "Congratulations on your engagement. I can't wait to help you make your wedding special."

"We would not miss such a wonderful occasion!" gushed Carmen. "Weddings are so rare for our kind. This is truly a pleasure."

I watched as the male, Eleazar, stood back to assess us. Carlisle said his gift was to sense the gifts of others, and by the look on his face, he felt both of us strongly. The four women were in front of us, each beaming widely.

"I cannot wait to hear first hand all of the strange adventures your powerful coven has had, Carlisle," said Eleazar. He had once been a Jesuit priest, and spoke with a soft tone. Eleazar shot Carlisle a strange look, and Edward shifted.

"We have the garage ready for you," Esme said as she opened the doors and showed them the furnished interior. "Why don't you get cleaned up, and we can tell you all about what we've been up to."

The group all had knapsacks, and they strode into the open room and set them down.

"You didn't need to make this for us," said Katrina. "It is very nice, but you went to far too much work."

"It was already like this," Emmett said with a devious smile. "Little Alice over there managed to kick Edward here out of the house. She did it in just a day! We'd been working on it for years, but she arrives, and BAM, _Eddie_ is out on his ear."

Edward looked murderously at his brother.

"Whenever you need a place to stay, you can always find us," purred Tanya. She was serious.

I felt Edward's nervousness prickling me. He would have been blushing had he been human.

"Shall we show you the house?" asked Carlisle a little too quickly. "Esme designed it herself."

"Oh, and I can show you the dress and the supplies for decorating," Alice burst out. "I can't wait to see what you can do with them."

"We have ordered some glass ornaments for the chapel, and we brought you painted beads from Russia," said Tanya. With that, the females were out the door and headed to the house, talking animatedly.

"You know they won't like it," said Eleazar in his quiet voice. Carlisle and I turned to him. "They are more gifted than any others besides Edward. They will not tolerate you having such a powerful array of vampires within your coven."

"Aro doesn't bother with me, old friend," Carlisle said just as softly. "We are a peaceful family, not a coven. They have no reason to disapprove." I went cold inside.

Eleazar looked at me. "You are right to stand in protection over her. Her power is undeniable. It isn't Aro's disapproval that should worry you, though, it's his curiosity."

"He can't use vampires like ourselves, my brother," Carlisle reasoned. "It is the reason both of us left Volterra of our own free will."

Eleazar looked at Carlisle for a moment before conceding the point. "Indeed, we would be of little use." But his eyes remained unsure. "Treasure her," he said in a whisper to me. I understood him perfectly.

0~*~0~*~X~*~0~*~0

"Okay, now all three of you standing sideways and looking down the aisle," droned the photographer. I really wanted to kill him. Or anyone.

I hadn't seen Alice all day. In fact, we hadn't so much as hugged each other for almost a week. And now a human male was ordering me to move and pose with my brothers while my mate was getting dressed.

I hated this suit.

I could smell her here. Her flower scent mingled among the scents of roses and orange blossoms, but it was hers. It was so frustrating to be this close and unable to catch a glimpse of her. Of course, if I tried, I would face all the fury of hell. No, hell wouldn't stand a chance against those seven females.

"Okay," said the sweating human. "That should just about do it." He looked nervously at us and quickly exited the room. I dared not breathe yet, though. There wouldn't be many humans here, but at least ten had responded to the few invitations we'd sent out. I refused to make a mistake today. My bride deserved to marry a yellow eyed beast.

"Relax," said Edward. "She's happily getting ready now. They are just about done with her, and then she will have her photos taken. We only have maybe half an hour."

I heard Alice's feet run across the floor of the lobby and slumped down on a pew.

"Hey, none of that. You have to go out those doors and wait. Edward and I have to usher here in a couple of minutes. Can you handle that?"

I looked up at Emmett and growled. No. Really, I couldn't.

He grinned at me. "Funny how standing in front of a male human wearing a robe can make you nervous, isn't it?"

"I feel like I'm heading into a battle I don't know how to fight."

"You're heading into a life you can't live without," he said.

"How do you do it?" I asked in desperation. "How can you be so happy as one of us?" I hit my chest, and the metallic ring filled the chapel. Emmett pulled me up and took me to the small antechamber that served as the groom's room.

"You really need to relax," he hissed. "Do you want to know how I do it? It's because of my backyard," he said.

"_What?"_

"Where I come from, men don't live very long, and most women die even younger. It don't matter how strong or big you are. If the cave doesn't kill you by falling on you, the black lung will. That or a dozen diseases.

"You see, there were always a lot of McCarty's being born and running around, but there were always more out back. No matter what happened, the ones we buried always outnumbered the ones that lived. For us, it wasn't so much when you would die, but how. We all wanted to go out as heroes," he shrugged. His speech had taken on the deep twang of his home.

"I remember the plots," I said, nodding. Cemeteries were only for war heroes and rich folk. Most people just laid their loved ones to rest under the flower bed in the back yard.

"See, my pa taught me that living meant two things: playin' like a boy and dyin' like a man. He told me to live for the daylight you was in, 'cause that was the only sure gift the Good Lord gave 'ya. I was good at playin' like a boy, I just hadn't got the dyin' like a man part down. It made me kind of stupid when it came to large animals."

"You wanted to die like a man?" I asked.

"Nope, I wanted to die like a hero. I knew that someday soon I was probably going to be in one of them graves, and I wanted it to be on my terms. Most of the men I knew trudged off to the mines until those dark pits ate them alive. I didn't want that. It's hard to walk past the bodies of the dead everyday and not feel death reaching for you. No matter how good or bad you are, or how strong or weak, every one ended up in the ground. But not me. I will never lay with my brothers or father or grandparents. I may never be buried with the McCartys, but I will always live as one. So, I choose to make the best of what I cannot change; I choose to live for this day and be glad for the life I have."

"So you live for each day? That is why your so happy?"

"No, I live for this_ one _day." I looked at him strangely. I could hear cars outside. "Look, I thought I'd died and gone to hell, and then I woke up to an angel and an eternal life. _This_ is my day. All of it. This is the gift the Good Lord gave me, one eternal day. I won't question it. No one promised me an easy life or a hero's death. This life is harder than it would have been if I'd stayed a man, but no one promised me an easy life. This is what I have been given, this is what I accept, no more no less. It's what it is, and I am grateful. I still want to _live _it."

A sharp knock sounded on the door. "Coming," Emmett called out to Edward. "This is your day, Jasper. Live it and don't look back." Then he was gone, and I was left alone in the small antechamber.

I could smell the candles being lit, and heard the shuffling and heartbeats of the humans in the quartet as they set their instruments up, but I focused only on the scents of the wedding, and the joy that permeated my skin. They were all happy. I could feel joy building around me with each passing minute. Even though they didn't know us well, they were joyous. I could hear the musicians warming up, then they began to play a few of the pieces we had chosen. It was beginning.

I would soon stand before them and take Alice as my wife. I recited the vows we had written. We altered the traditional phrasing very little, only just enough to make it more suitable for us. She would pledge herself to me forever by human words in a human ceremony. It should have meant nothing, but instead, it meant everything to me. My mind went back to our first meeting, and then to our first kiss. I let the memories roll through my mind, each bringing its own joy until my emotions overrode that of the people in the church.

Emmett was right, this was indeed my day, and I claimed it as my own.

Pachebel's Canon began to play. I heard the even footfall of Emmett and Rosalie and Edward and Esme. Taking one final deep breath, I opened the door, and looked into a magical place that I hadn't noticed before. The scent was a mixture of us all, but the floral aroma of orange blossom and rose was the most potent. Alice's scent.

Hundreds of flames turned the chapel into a flickering wonderland. The crystal icicles, silver and brass candelabras, and metallic ribbon cast reflections over the entire church. The colors of winter, deep and vibrant, glowed in the soft light.

I looked to my coven, my odd family. Esme smiled gloriously at me. Beside her, Rosalie was beautiful and content. I went and stood by Edward. He seemed to be looking into space, but when he turned his head to me, he looked happy. His feelings, though, were almost hopeless. I couldn't imagine what it was like hearing all our thoughts, feeling all our love and not having it himself. His eye caught mine, and he nodded.

"It's your day," he whispered with a sad smile.

Then the first notes of the Wedding March reverberated through the church. The doors swung open, and Alice appeared on the arm of a jubilant Carlisle. I knew the song played, and the people stood, but I would never remember that. All I could see was Alice. She was more beautiful than I had ever dreamed she would be. Her happiness was so pure that it lit her from within.

She floated to me, adoration billowing off of her. Her eyes were on me as her joy flooded through me. She was everything I'd ever wanted in this life, and nothing I would ever deserve. The minister stepped forward as Carlisle reached us.

"Who gives this woman to be married?"

"I and my family."

Her hand was in mine. Her joy escalated, and the deep fear, her fear that I could not reach, dissipated with my touch. And this day, this life, began for us anew.

_**Alice**_

The day had been a dizzying mix of dismal grey, brief snow showers, and wind. I knew that it would be this way, of course, but my visions still showed me that the stars would shine over us tonight. It was silly how important that fact was, and I knew it, but the stars were the symbol of Jasper's promise, the symbol of our everlasting love, and I needed them to shine over me as I vowed my life to him.

We drove to the old church in a caravan, each car carrying happy vampires and wedding goods. Jasper travelled with Rosalie and Emmett. I was with Esme and Carlisle who wouldn't stop laughing at me as I fidgeted and bounced in the back seat. I had seen this day a thousand times, but I was still a nervous bride.

Even though I knew it would be wonderful, this whole affair had the possibility of becoming the most macabre massacre in the history of Oregon state. This added to my nervousness, though my visions showed nothing more than mildly annoyed or drunk humans shying away from partying vampires.

The hardest part was not being able to see Jasper at all. I missed him, and my mind was shamelessly thinking of him and how to make this night even more special than I had already planned. Of course, it didn't help at all that I could feel gauzy sheerness of the French under things against my skin. Emily's gift was beautiful, and I felt rather bad about what would happen to the lacy bra and panties. My visions showed that they would be shredded within hours of saying "I do."

We arrived at the white chapel by ten, and I was ushered in to the sanctuary where the Denali coven began to set up the decorations we had made. Jasper was already getting dressed with the groomsmen in preparation for the photographer.

I watched mesmerized as Irina, Kate, and Tanya blissfully arranged the pine boughs and flower arrangements. The holly leaves were the perfect back drop for the cluster of heavily scented spices that we had created. Clove, nutmeg, cinnamon and allspice interwove their sharp sweetness with the dried apples, oranges, and vanilla pods. Over it all, the scent of hundreds of roses filled the space. It was so strong that I knew even the humans would be able to smell it. Once the candles were lit, the place would be like heaven.

The crystal icicles hung from the pews amid golden bows and silver ribbon and held more scented clusters of spices. In the candlelight, the place would glow.

"Do you like it?" asked, Tanya, pulling me from my reverie. She had a soft smile and wistful look to her face. I wondered what it must be like, to live for almost a millennium without finding a mate. Once, again, I was filled with gratitude for the beautiful man I would marry in just a few hours.

"I just love it!" I said, beaming at her. "You worked magic in here. I can't imagine anything being more lovely."

Irina laughed as she hung evergreen swags from the lights. "I am so happy you chose to marry him during the winter," she said, hopping down from the ladder. "When we were younger, the winter solstice was a time of great celebration. It was a small way we defied the danger of death that surrounded us. In the midst of cold darkness, we created warm light and beauty. It is a pity that so many humans no longer see the dead of winter as a time to celebrate life."

"I hadn't thought about it that way," I said, amazed again how perfectly it was working out.. "I was almost sad when I realized we would have a winter wedding, but maybe it's perfect for us after all."

"What do you mean?" asked Kate as she placed the vanilla candles in their silver holders.

"It's like us, all of us," I said, smiling now. "We are technically dead, and we are supposed to bring death to others, but here we are, celebrating life."

"That's why I thought this date would fit you so well," Carlisle said from behind me. I turned to see that he was already in his tuxedo. The black suit set off his golden hair, and he glowed in the late afternoon light that poured in through the intricate windows. "Esme sent me to get you and greet the caterers. She doesn't trust Emmett after finding a firework in his pant's pocket," he chuckled. "Are you ready to look like the bride you are?" I looked in his wise eyes and caught my breath. Today was the day. This was it. Why was I nervous?

He laughed at me again and held out his arm, just as he would in three hours. I took it and he led me back to the bride's room, and into the waiting arms of Esme and Rosalie.

They attacked me as only vampires can. Even though I was perfectly clean, Rosalie insisted in washing my hair one last time before curling it tightly and snapping the vinyl bag of the hair dryer over it. While my head baked, Esme examined each toe and finger and then added another bright red coat of polish to each just in case.

Esme sniffed the air as she stroked the last pinky. "She's done," she said. I could catch the faint smell of overheated hair now, too. Rosalie quickly removed the hot cap and touched the tight rollers. Then she sprayed each curl with a new product called Spray Net Hairspray that made my eyelashes stick together before carefully removing the curlers. My hair bounced back into the curl like a retracting spring. Esme coughed at the strong chemical smell.

"We'll tease it right before we put the dress is on," Rosalie announced as she patted the log looking bumps that covered my head. "Make-up time!"

Esme brought over my huge bag of necessities, and pulled out the colors we had chosen. Light blue, dark blue, and white. Black kohl and mascara finished my eyes. Rosalie patted blush on my cheeks and then handed me the lipstick that matched my nail polish. Then she took a comb to the logs that were my hair. She teased and tugged and pulled so hard that she pulled a few hairs out. I was again attacked with the strong smelling hair spray.

Both vampires stepped back to admire their handiwork. I had never been under so much scrutiny in my life. I watched them watch me, and then with a nod of Esme's head, I was pulled to my feet and stood in front of a mirror.

"It's beautiful," I said as I looked at the subtle shading of the make-up. My hair was curled in tame puffs along my head, waiting for the corona style band and veil that Carmen had made. Even in blue lacy undies, I could see that the look was coming together well. Jasper would indeed love these undergarments, at least for a moment or two.

Rosalie laid out a sheet and placed the dress over it. I leapt into the middle of yards of tulle and lace and satin and held my breath. Rosalie and Esme pulled the dress up onto my shoulders and began to rapidly button up the back. When they were done, Esme latched her necklace behind my neck and hung the earrings from my ears. Like magic, my vision came true. I stood, looking in the mirror of an old church on a cold winter's day, and saw the future I'd longed for.

The dress looked just as it should. The scalloped lace and embroidered beads of the off-the-shoulder- neckline drew attention up to my face. The satin, buttoned sleeves elongated my arms. Having the skirt loosely pleated rather than gathered suited my body, and the long skirt, with it's intricate embroidered flowers helped to give me height. The satin overskirt, was triangular and added an elegant and old touch that I knew Jasper would love. It was a one of a kind dress that gave honor to both the past and the present. It was perfect for us.

Esme and Rosalie both sighed, and Esme hugged me. Like a snapshot, the vision I had seen so long ago was complete.

A quiet knock drew me from the mirror, and Carmen came in with the headband and veil. She had worked wonders with it. The beading matched the antique necklace that Esme let me borrow.

"Oh, my," she gasped. "You are beautiful. What a perfect bride you are," she almost purred the words. "The photographer wants to have you go outside. The trees are frosting over, and the light is almost gone. He says that taking a picture now will make you look like you are in a world made of crystal."

She walked over and began expertly affixing the band to my head, then she spread out the veil, and all three women sighed happily. I turned and gasped. Jasper would love it.

"Hey, the photographer says it's now or never for the light," Emmett called out.

"Let's go," said Carmen, and they picked up my long gown and began to hurry out the door; three women holding the hem of my dress, and me trapped in the middle of the puffball.

"Shoes!" I squealed from inside my cocoon. A cold hand lifted one leg at a time and shoved a shoe on each of my feet.

"What about the garter?" Rosalie called.

"Leg up," ordered Esme's voice, and I dutifully raised my leg as she shoved the lacy thing up to my knee.

"Oh, for Pete's sake," snapped Rosalie, and another set of hands shoved the thing up much higher.

"Now!" called Emmett again, and we all ran for the exit at the back of the church. Irina rushed forward and gave me the long bouquet of roses just as I slipped through the exit.

Although it didn't register as uncomfortable, the air was frigid. The crimson-nosed photographer was shivering as he set up the camera onto a tripod.

"B-b-by the t-t-rees, please," he said. I went out onto the crisp white sheet of snow as directed, making sure to not track footprints directly there.

Then I turned and saw the beauty around me.

The mist that had blanketed the world as we arrived had created a world covered with fragile diamonds of light. I reached up to the branch beside me and felt the perfect crystals that covered it. Hoar frost, such a horrid word for a magical world.

I smiled, and the camera flashed.

"That was lovely," said the photographer. "Now, turn to me, not all the way, and hold the bouquet in front of you.. Perfect... You are a lovely, bride.. Now..." I obeyed his words in a stupor. I watched the world glisten and glow in the colors of the fading day reflected a million times on every surface.

I only barely noticed when the quartet began to play. I heard a few cars arrive, friends of Carlisle's and a few acquaintances from town.

"Okay, that's it," said the photographer as he hastily pulled up his gear and headed inside. The others joined me and helped me return to the back of the church.

My visions showed me that the vampires would take the back pews, and the humans the front ones. The humans would adore the decorations, and then the wedding. Unfortunately, they would also be surrounded by a ridiculous number of vampires, and even in my visions, I could see them sweat.

Edward and Emmett were acting as ushers for the small crowd. They would be groomsmen as well.

Like most contemporary weddings, we'd decided that the gowns Esme and Rosalie wore would be similar to mine, but the same color as the roses that now hung from my hands.

"You seem a little distracted," Carlisle said calmly by my side. I was grateful for him.

"I just can't believe it's all coming true," I said in a rush. "I saw it, over and over again, but I never really thought it would come true so wonderfully. It just amazes me. You all were a part of it, too. It couldn't have happened without the whole family."

He chuckled and held out his elbow. I took it and looked into his smiling face. I heard the pop of the camera bulb, and we were bathed in light for a split second. I heard the final chords of Pachebel's Canon, and I swear, my heart, my stone dead heart, fluttered.

And then, with the first chords of the wedding march, we were walking on air.

Carlisle's arm was the only thing keeping me on the earth. The chapel simply glowed in the soft light of a thousand candles. The heat from the flames caused the scents of the spices and flowers to intensify and intermingle, and then I understood their careful mixture of scents.. The Denali sisters had made the entire chapel smell like my family. I could detect hints of all of us floating in the air.

I took the next step, and my gaze fell on the raised platform where Jasper waited for me. I almost stopped when I saw his face.

In front of me was the person I had always seen under the scars. He was a boy, wide eyed in wonder. He was a man, standing firm to make an eternal promise. He was a commander, choosing his own path. He was my soul, waiting for me to join him.

He seemed to be lost in a state of wonder as his intense eyes locked on mine. I was lost in him.

"Alice, no running," whispered Carlisle. I realized how hard he held my hand now. I had tried to bolt down the aisle.

I swallowed and breathed in the soothing scents around me. The song seemed to take eternally long to play, and with each step, I grew more impatient. Something else grew in me as well. As I walked towards my destiny, the old fear, the feeling that I was somehow tainted and wrong, welled up against all the thoughts that I knew were the truth.

The fears that were as old as I was tried to destroy my joy until we took our last step.

"Who gives this woman to be married?" asked the minister. He wasn't looking at us.

"I and my family," said Carlisle thickly. I looked at him, and his face was a portrait of love and pride. He smiled at me, and leaned over and kissed me. "You are a beautiful daughter, and I am proud to call you my own," he whispered. "You deserve this happiness." It was as if he had seen the need of my heart, and spoke to it. With those words, the fear stilled.

Then, my hand was in Jasper's, and he pulled me to his side. Jasper's face, and his being, were filled with unimaginable wonder and pride. He was smiling like I had never seen him.

And that smile, that look, forced the fear to lose its ancient grip. I was where I was supposed to be.

I smiled at him, not caring how much of my teeth I showed.

Jasper pulled me forward, and we stood before the minister. We turned, as we had planned, and his hands enveloped mine. Then, while the minister said the ageless words that I could no longer hear, Jasper and I became lost in each other. Had we been alone, we would have been enveloped in colors and feelings. As it was, I could feel them washing over me as I felt my mate and he felt me. He was utterly open. Here, amid humans and vampires, he was willing to drop his guard for me. Touching him, there was no barrier left between us, and his absolute devotion and adoration flooded me. I sent him all I could. The lights around us took on the hues of each emotion.

"Jasper Whitlock, before God and these witnesses, do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife, to live in the holy state of matrimony? Will you love her, honor her, comfort and cherish her from this day forward, forsaking all others and keeping only unto her for as long as you both shall live?" The preacher asked the words as he had a thousand times, but for me, this was the first and last time they would ever be important.

"I do," he said. It was a whisper that trembled through my very bones.

"Do you have the ring?" he asked, and Edward handed Jasper the small band that would unite us for all to see. The ring sparkled as he held it just above my finger.

"Repeat after me, 'I Jasper Whitlock.'"

"I, Jasper Whitlock." My mind went to the meadow on my first day of life. He was the sun to me then, my only guidance. His name was sacred to me, and it made me shiver to hear him say it.

"'Take thee, Alice Cullen, to be my beloved wife.'"

He swallowed, and joy filled the chapel. "Take thee, Alice Cullen, to be my_ Beloved _wife." The words were said with a gentleness that I never knew existed. That gentleness, in its wonderful caress, drove the ancient fear further away.

"'To have and to hold from this day forward.'"

"To have and to hold from this day forward." The words echoed through eternity and all that the years would bring.

"'For better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sorrow and in joy.'"

"For better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sorrow and in joy." Something very deep moved in is amber eyes. It touched my soul, and the last of that fear lost its grip on me.

"'To love, honor and cherish for as long as we both shall live."

Jasper didn't speak for a moment. He looked at me, and his chest trembled in a sob. His eyes poured their love into mine. "I have endured hell to say this to you, my Beloved," he finally choked out in the softest of whispers. Then, his cracked voice rang out loud. "To love honor and cherish for as long as we both shall live. With this ring, I thee wed." The ring was on my finger in an instant, fitting with the other as smoothly as our lives did. I caught my breath, waiting for something, but there was nothing new. Then I breathed, fully and freely. His words, the everlasting promise he'd given me, freed me. There was no fear, no visions, nothing. I was united with Jasper, and I was whole.

I stared at the two rings, and yelled out a happy "Yes!" Then I jumped up and kissed my husband.

Giggles brought me back to myself. Jasper's adoring eyes were jubilant.

The minister cleared his throat, but his eyes sparkled. "It's your turn. Shall we continue?"

"Um, yes. Sorry." The minister cracked a smile and then asked me the questions that would cement a bond that was already stronger than anything else that existed.

"Do you, Alice Cullen, take Jasper as your lawfully wedded husband, to live in the holy state of matrimony? Will you love him, honor him, comfort and cherish him from this day forward, forsaking all others and keeping only unto him for as long as you both shall live?"

How could two small words carry enough power to alter a world?

"I do." I gave myself to Jasper. Freely and forever, I was utterly his.

"Do you have the ring?" he asked, and Esme handed me a ring that was of the past, united us in the present and sealed our future.

"Repeat after me, 'I Alice Cullen.'"

I was shaking, but the words came out strongly. "I, Alice Cullen." _Who has loved this man every moment of my life._

"'Take thee, Jasper Whitlock, to be my beloved husband.'"

"Take thee, Jasper Whitlock to be my Beloved husband." _Not just mate. Husband. The one who healed me. The only one who could ease the pain of my gift and protect me._

"'To have and to hold from this day forward.'"

"To have and to hold from this day forward." For the second time, the words resounded in the chapel and wove their way through time.

"'For better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sorrow and in joy, to love, honor and cherish for as long as we both shall live.'"

This was it. This was the moment I endured every minute of loneliness for twenty-eight years to reach. I couldn't speak. I couldn't think or breathe or move. And then, like the soft starlight above us, I was calm. This was right. There were no visions, no fears, no hurt. This moment in time was just as it should be.

My voice rang out firm and clear. "For better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sorrow and in joy, to love, honor and cherish for as long as we both shall live." I slipped the ring over his finger. "With this ring, I thee_ finally_ wed."

And then Jasper was holding me in shaking arms and kissing me.

I heard the hushed giggles of the witnesses. The minister cleared his throat, chuckled, and said. "Yes, that's the next part." Jasper exhaled and kissed me a little longer before he released my mouth. We turned to look at the smiling cleric.

"Now that you have been thoroughly kissed," he looked at me, "I would like to pronounce you man and wife. I am happy to introduce Mr. And Mrs. Jasper Whitlock."

Jasper laughed and scooped me up. Emmett whooped as he carried me back down the aisle.

I turned back and saw Emmett and Rosalie holding hands and walking behind us.

Then I saw Edward and Esme. She was by him, waiting for him to take her arm, but he stood utterly still staring at us with longing. His looked completely lost and utterly alone.

**April 6, 1951**

I looked up at the stars and felt the love of my mate and the bond of eternity again. They shone over us just as they had the night we married. Jazzy slipped his hand in mine, understanding my feelings.

I looked into his loving face. "Soon."

"You're sure they will take this route?" he asked. I nodded.

We turned to look west across the valley of trees on the edge of the White Mountains. Then we heard them. The family burst out laughing at some joke Emmett had told. And then, just as my visions had once shown me, my family joined me in my mountain home. They rushed up to us, and we were swept into their happy embraces. There was no hesitation, no fear. This was just as it should be.

"Are you ready to end your honeymoon?" asked Esme with a smile.

"Is that cabin of yours still standing?" teased Emmett. "Or are you two a bit too timid to destroy a building yet?"

"Unlike you, we save the destruction for other people's buildings," said Jazzy. He wasn't kidding about that. "The cabin is well fitted to withstand our kind. We've reinforced your room with steal, though, just in case you get sloppy." He wasn't kidding about that, either.

Emmett laughed. "Really? We'll just have to see about that!" He said, rubbing his hands together.

"Throwing things doesn't count," growled Edward, who looked like he'd had enough of Emmett for one decade. "You have no idea," he hissed at me.

"I'll just get creative, then," said Emmett wickedly. Edward made a retching noise, and Jazzy laughed.

"I wouldn't laugh, if I were you," warned a rather ill looking Edward. "He's thinking of bringing in livestock."

"Emmett," snapped Carlisle and Esme in unison.

"It's not for me! It's for Edward. He needs _something _to keep him happy!" The last words were yelled as he bolted down the path to the cabin chased by an enraged Edward. We all broke into laughter and followed after them.

It was my vision. Somehow, through the most meandering and twisting way possible, the future turned out just as it should.

* * *

Just a few notes.

You can see pictures of Coalescence at http : /s585 . Photobucket . Com / albums/ss299/ Openhome_photo / Coalescence/ **(remove the spaces)**. The dress, rings, and other such goodies are there.

The story continues, hopefully soon, and has five more chapters and an epilogue. I am praying for a calmer life and healthy fingers so that I can do the story justice.

I am on Twitter as KaylaOpenhome.

_Recommendations:_

intellectualthicket

Hopereborn


	23. Chapter 23: Claiming a Place of My Own

Hello my wonderful readers! Thank you for your patience again. I am participating in NaNoWriMo along with every other author in the fandom. It's a blast, and very educational, but my fingers are swollen with all the typing. NaNoWriMo is an online contest to write a 50,000 word novel in one month. I'll let you know if I actually do it.

So, Alice is in her happy place, in the next two chapters we get Jasper there as well. Or at least as close to happy as he can possibly be right now. His HEA comes at the end of Breaking Dawn.

To my wonderful beta's Remylebeauishot and Mistral123, thanks so much for all the work you have done. Mistral123 has been a lifesaver with the more technical aspects of this, and she truly saved this chapter from ruin.

**There is an important note at the end of the chapter, so please read it.**

Stephenie Meyer... oh never mind, you know. I only own a teensy bit of this that is original. I do own an ice pack that is sitting by the computer for my poor hands.

* * *

_**Jasper**_

_**September, 1951**_

I hadn't done much in my second life to be proud of. I struggled with my need for human blood. I struggled with my past and with making sense of my future. But as I looked at the stack of perfectly composed documents, I felt a surge of pride in my accomplishment.

That was probably a bad thing, but I didn't care.

The thick stack of prepared papers, full of legal terms and redundant pronouns, were absolutely the most un-vampire-like thing I had ever done, and yet I was incredibly happy with them. It took me almost three months of research and writing to get everything right, but it was worth it to feel the gratitude coming from my family.

"I think they look perfect, Jasper," Carlisle said as he read through the last of them. "You seem to have quite a talent for these things."

Alice was beaming at me from the other side of the stacks. My lovely bride was radiating pride from every crystal in her body. She had helped to organize the finances of the businesses, but I had been the one to meticulously craft them all. There was something very rewarding about being so thorough and precise.

"Once the firms are in place," I explained, "it will be easy to set up trusts and disperse the money oversees."

"With enough cover from fake corporations and oversees accounts, we will be able to hide our wealth, and still be able to easily retrieve it," Alice said happily. This was her area of expertise.

"We will see the lawyer on Friday afternoon, so there will be plenty of time to shop afterwards," Carlisle said with a glance at Alice. This was our first foray into Seattle since the wedding, and Alice was beside herself with joy.

"It will go well," said Alice matter-of-factly. "You will want to let Jasper take lead, though. His orange eyes may actually come in handy," she looked at me and tilted her head. Then she giggled.

"What does that mean?" asked Emmett.

"It just means that Jasper may be able to work a better bargain that either Edward or Carlisle," she said sweetly. I hated it when she was cryptic.

"Alice," I growled in exasperation.

"Don't worry, Jazz," she said with the same smile playing on her lips. "It will all work out."

I looked to Edward for help, but he only rolled his eyes. All I knew for certain was that we were meeting with an attorney, and it was going to be interesting.

8X8X8X8X8X8X8

To ensure the success of our trip, it was decided that my diet would be mixed. I had gone four long months without human blood, but this was the first time since the wedding that I would be close to humans. We couldn't take any chances, so just as before, I took a human life to save others.

I hid both my eyes and my shame behind thick rimmed sun glasses.

Walking into the small office made me glad of the human blood in my veins. The place was closed, stuffy, and reeked of humans. I had to immediately sooth the anxious receptionist upon entering. Her jaw dropped and heart thundered when she saw us walk in, and she vacillated wildly between attraction and terror. Three male vampires in the small waiting room was enough to fluster anyone, but this poor girl was a wreck within seconds of our arrival.

"P-please have a seat," she said with wide eyes. She stumbled as she turned to knock on Thompson's door. He opened it immediately and welcomed us in with a smile. We brushed passed the shaking female into the office of Carlisle's attorney.

I didn't like him. Any human who could smile so widely as he ushered three vampires into his office couldn't be trusted. He welcomed Carlisle with fabricated warmth and then got right to work.

"What kinds of businesses do you want to start up?" Thompson asked, licking his lips and motioning for us to sit. Carlisle took the seat across from the desk, and Edward and I sat in armchairs by the far wall. We looked at each other knowingly. This man was up to something.

"Four different types," said Carlisle brusquely. "We would like to create an investment firm, a medical research company, an aerospace firm, and my wife Esme wants to have an architectural design firm. We currently have a printing business, but that is just on the side."

Thompson chuckled, still very much at ease. _"All _of my clients have printing businesses on the side. It comes in handy at times. Will these be corporations or sole proprietorships?"

"The architectural firm will be a sole proprietorship, but will operate under a trade name. The other businesses will be incorporated." Carlisle handed Thompson the thick files that Alice and I had put together. "These files include the business names as well as the investors." Thompson began to nod appreciatively as he turned the pages.

"You've thought this through," he said. "Having each business located in different states is brilliant. Do you own all these properties?"

"Yes," Carlisle stated. "They are properties my family has owned for quite some time. They are all former residences whose areas have become commercialized. Now is the right time to change them over and utilize them in a more profitable way."

Thompson eyed him and licked his lips again. He was far too bold. Then I felt it. The twisted emotions of a lie flowed from Thompson like a river. The man was making his play.

"I appreciate all the work you've done, but there is a lot you left out. I will need to re-create some of these documents so that the businesses look legit. I have to warn you, this is going to be very expensive. Hiding your wealth behind corporate walls is wise, but the penalty for doing this is rather harsh. It will cost you fifty-thousand per business," he said. His mood was triumphant, and mine was murderous.

"That seems a bit steep," countered Carlisle. Edward and I each stood. We both knew exactly what was happening.

"That is the cost of doing business," said the fat man with a shrug. His heart was racing, and sweat had appeared on his upper lip, betraying the confidence he tried to exhibit.

I focused anxiety at him. Carlisle shifted in his chair, and I saw him glance at me, but my eyes were on the human. I felt Edward's approval.

"I would remind you that my family has done business with your firm since your father was proprietor," Carlisle stated flatly. "I would hate to be forced to take our business elsewhere."

I focused on Thompson's emotions, trying to find his weakness. He had a strong desire to win, but a weak will, and I could easily handle him if Carlisle let me.

"I understand that we have had a long and profitable relationship," he said smoothly, but his eyes stayed too long on Carlisle's face. His eyes darted to Edward and I, and I shifted my head so that I looked at him from above my amber lenses. His eyes widened when he saw the color of mine. Good. Let him get a little suspicious. It could work in our favor.

"How - however," he continued, tensing a bit, "these are different times. The government has many ways to uncover businesses like yours, so they need to be set up and maintained perfectly. You really won't find someone as easy to work with or as skilled as myself. Also, I'm afraid, if you try to take your business to someone else, certain things might leak out about you."

I felt a wave of anger from Carlisle. Thompson's threat was about to put us in a very bad position. "Mr. Thompson, I assure you…" began Carlisle. He stopped when I put my hand on his shoulder.

"Let me handle this, Carlisle," I said smoothly.

"Jasper will do quite well in this situation," Edward hinted, toolow for the human to hear.

Carlisle eyed me warily. "We need him. Alive," he hissed so quickly the human would have missed it.

"Oh, he'll stay alive," I said loudly. Carlisle looked at me for a moment and handed me the briefcase of cash he had brought.

"I'll leave it to you, then," he said slowly. He nodded at Thompson. "Good day, sir." He and Edward were out the door in an instant.

I turned on the human, looking every bit the vampire I was. He instantly backed up out of his chair, licking his trembling lips repeatedly.

"People know me and will retaliate if anything happens to me," he stuttered. I flooded the room with fear. The receptionist from the front room let out a cry.

"I haven't threatened you… yet," I said with a dark chuckle. I probably shouldn't have enjoyed this as much as I was.

"You need to understand that you are not dealing with a quiet doctor and his odd family any longer," I said, my voice a growl. Thompson's eyes became saucers of weak milk. "You are dealing with me." I hit him with a wave of fear and loathing. He began to tremble so badly that his legs gave way, and he thudded heavily against the edge of his windowsill.

"Your little threat is more than enough reason for me to end your life this very moment. There will be _no _repercussions, because there will be _no _evidence left behind. I assure you, if you so much as breathe a word of our existence to another person, you and your family will cease to exist within a day." I picked up a thick tome from his shelf, and thrust my hand through it. It was melodramatic, but not too un-human, and it got my point across. A small wet spot appeared on Thompson's leg. It was very satisfying to watch it spread.

I stepped back and motioned to the papers on his desk. "I set those businesses up myself. There is not much for you to do other than submit the paper work in such a way that they appear legitimate. That is a ten thousand dollar job at most, and I am being generous. Now, do we have an understanding?"

Thompson was hyperventilating. His lips were blue and he had an unhealthy amount of sweat staining the collar of his shirt. I rolled my eyes at him. I really didn't need to have Carlisle have to come back in to treat him. I went to him and picked him up by his wet shirt. "Hold your breath," I ordered. He slumped to the floor and began to cry.

The man was a weasel, and a cowardly one at that.

He began to hiccup. I couldn't suppress my smile any longer. Damn, I'd forgotten how much fun this was.

"Do we have an understanding?" I asked the puddle of Jello that had once looked like an attorney.

"Y-y-yesss," he finally managed to gurgle.

I placed the money on the table. "Forty-thousand, and the businesses must be set up perfectly. After that, your take will be two percent of net profits plus any extra fees for taxes. Do you understand?" He nodded quickly enough that his eyes continued moving when his head had stopped.

"From now on, you will deal with me exclusively." I looked at the quivering form and hoped I hadn't pushed him too far. "We will be having several more issues with money in the future." He whimpered, and I sighed. "Our dealings will be well funded and profitable, so long as you keep up your end of the deal _perfectly_." I sent out a feeling of peace and safety, and Thompson's heartbeat returned to normal. After a few moments, he stood and straightened out his rumpled clothing.

"I pride myself on my work," he whispered hoarsely, a look of defiance on his face.

"That's good to know, Mr. Thompson, because so do I," I said with a nod. The man would need watching, but if he was as good as Carlisle said, we would be able to use him for years. With any luck, the child his wife carried would also go into the family business, and this relationship could continue for decades. It was so much easier to deal with one family than to break in a new human every few decades.

I placed a handful of bills on the desk along with the money for the businesses. "Consider it a tip," I said. The human's eyes lit up, and he licked his lips again. Good, no harm done. I strode out of the office.

On the street, Edward was nearly doubled over from laughter.

"He heard the whole thing, I suppose," I said, unnerved how normal his powerful gift now seemed.

"Obviously," nodded a grinning Carlisle. "He's quite jealous of you , I believe. I have to agree with Alice, you will do well with this aspect of our existence. I'll gladly hand the reigns to you, then." He smiled at me and his pride in me radiated from him. I'd done it. I'd made a place for myself in the family.

OXOXOXOXOXXO

_**October 1952**_

We all went out for the last hunt of fall, and for the first time, I was fine with the idea of joyless eating. Carlisle's acceptance of my most obvious weakness, and his suggestion that we modify the feeding pattern, had relieved me of a crushing weight. I would eat with them, trying again to taste the difference between the animals. I still slipped frequently, everyone knew it, and they accepted me anyway. Such a weakness would have gotten me killed in any other coven. If I was careful, one day I would stop making mistakes, and would one day be the type of husband Alice could be proud of.

Just as last time, we went to the wilderness between the old volcanoes, only this time, we were in a vibrant and ever shifting whirlwind of colors as leaves fell like snowflakes around us. We didn't bring the sporting equipment because we wouldn't have time. We were here to eat bears before they went into hibernation, and that was a deadline none of them wanted to miss.

By Sunday, we were all full to the point of bursting, and it was time for fun.

"You up for Hide and Pounce?" called Emmett as he and Rosalie returned to our meeting spot. I swear, I heard him sloshing as he sauntered over.

"I assume that is like Hide and Seek?"

"Yeah, only more fun. Each Seeker has one person to find, but if you miss the Hider, and they get you from behind, they win."

"There are seven of us," I said, wondering how to make the numbers work.

"I never get to play," said Edward dryly.

"This time, I thought we could have Edward and Alice be the seekers, and they could find us all. It will be fun to test our hiding ability against their gifts," explained Emmett excitedly.

"_That _will work well," mumbled Rosalie. Her lack of an overt gift was a sore spot for her.

"Actually, the game is hard for me to see," said Alice. She was as excited as Emmett. "This might be fun!"

"Emmett, I think you may have a good idea," agreed Carlisle. "To keep it fair, we'll say no one crosses any roads. When a killing blow is simulated, return here."

"Give us a three minute start," Emmett commanded with a huge grin.

I looked to Alice, who cocked her eyebrow at me and smiled mischievously. I scrapped my first plan and filled my head with Homer's Odyssey, smiled at my mate, and shot out into the forest.

As I ran, I kept my mind and options open, carefully not choosing a path or destination.

I came by a small stream, and instinctively leapt up over it and into the trees. There was no way to hide from Edward in the silence of the forest, so I would need to attack him first. I relished the task of planning my strategy. This was the only part of battle that I truly enjoyed.

Up ahead, I saw my vantage point. A sheer cliff held several crags that could be used to my advantage. One in particular held an eagle's nest, and without thinking, I scaled the wall. Once in position, I had a full view of the forest. All I needed to do was watch and wait.

Suddenly, two female shrieks sounded in the forest, and Esme's laughing voice drifted to me. Alice got her. I cleared my head again, trying to react on instinct alone.

A thunderous crash sounded to my east, and I made out two trees fall in the far distance. Amid more tree fells, I could hear the sound of growling carried on the wind. I wondered who Edward had caught until Emmet's frustrated voice called out, "You are too a cheater!"

Despite myself, I chuckled.

The area that Edward had caught Emmett was almost three miles away, close to where I had crossed the stream. I would be next. I waited for the sounds or signs that showed me Edward's approach. Once I had his location, I would move on him.

The slightest bend in branches showed me that he had my scent. I quickly laid out the battle plan, and stilled my mind to wait. When I guessed that he was a mile away, which was his limit for louder thoughts, I scrambled up the escarpment, keeping in the crags and cracks, and then headed down the other side to take him from behind. I thought of nothing, and reduced my consciousness to no more than the basest instincts. He would probably know I was coming, but I would do my best to give him no hint.

I felt him, and I knew that he would hear the echo in my mind, but I now had his location. With all the speed I could muster, I ran at him, thinking only of the run and my prey. He turned in time to stop me, but just barely. The tactic had worked, which was good to know.

I spun on him, growling and grinning at the same time. He roared in pleasure and attacked using his speed as his weapon. But I was used to speed. I laughed and used a twisting move to drop him to the ground. He rolled out of the way, hissing. I went for him, but used too much thought, and the cheater easily grabbed my hands and threw me into a tree, which toppled on me, obscuring my vision for a moment.

Then I heard a noise that chilled me to the bone. The roar of another vampire sounded in front of me, and I heard the metallic sound of vampire flesh colliding. I jumped from the mangled branches to see Edward flying back into a pine tree, and a blur racing to meet him there. There was another form coming, and I shoved it aside to make it to Edward in time. The blur reached Edward at the same moment as my hands shoved the second one away. I whirled on them, ready to strike and kill. Suddenly, a very small blur with very happy feelings stopped between us.

"Okay, boys, don't get carried away," she said to Edward and I. Then she turned and said in her annoyingly perky way, "Oh, I'm so happy you're here. It will make the day so much more perfect!"

I looked past her to see the startled face of Peter. Charlotte stood by him, her head cocked to the side in confusion.

"This is Edward, our coven brother. Edward, Peter and Charlotte," she said, playing the perfect hostess. "Come say hello."

"Oh, boy," mumbled Edward who stood slowly and raised his hands.

"Don't worry about that, by tonight, we'll be playing football," said Alice gleefully to Peter and Charlotte. She skipped over to the dumbfounded pair and hugged them.

_Only Alice_, I thought.

"You are so right," hissed Edward. He cautiously moved forward, and I stayed by his side.

"Major," Peter said with a nod. "I see you found the yellow eyed vampires."

I took his hand and he firmly shook mine. "Edward, Peter and Charlotte are my closest friends. These are the ones who helped me leave Maria."

Edward came forward, nodded, but didn't try to touch them.

"It's a pleasure to meet you," Charlotte said with a smile.

"I can't believe I didn't see you coming," Alice said with a slight frown. "But I'm so glad you're here! We have so much to show you. I can't wait to show you the wedding album."

"Wedding?" asked Peter. He shot me a warning glance, and beside me Edward failed miserably to suppress his grin.

Alice held up her left hand for them to see the ring. Charlotte fairly screamed and wrapped her in a tight hug. Peter glared at me again, and Edward coughed.

"So, you two were..."

"Playing a game," I explained, not really wanting to go into further detail. I felt several people come towards us. "Our fam- coven is coming," I warned Peter. The word coven no longer truly fit us. "It's alright, they're friends," I called to the others. Peter shifted a little, he didn't like crowds.

"They are going to be so happy to see you," Alice said as she came to my side.

"Isn't it wonderful, dear? He asked her to _marry_ him, and they had a wedding!" Charlotte was beaming. "Alice has an album and everything. Perhaps we can even go shopping later."

"I'm not sure we'll be staying that long," Peter said gently. The others were close now, and he stiffened in response to their scents.

"Yes, you are," said Alice brightly. She got a far off look, and then smiled at him again. "Oh, yes, you both will enjoy it. Besides, Charlotte looks simply breathtaking in the Organza dress we found, and you... wait,_ Las Vegas_?" She turned to look at me with an accusing glare, but just then, the others reached us and she was distracted.

Las Vegas, though, was a great idea.

Peter shot in front of Charlotte taking a defensive stance.

Emmett and Carlisle came out of the trees first, followed closely by their mates. I wistfully wished Alice would do that. I went to stand between Peter and the family.

"Carlisle Cullen, this is Peter and Charlotte, the friends I told you about. Peter and Charlotte, this is the Cullen... um, family. Esme, Emmett, Rosalie, and you've already met Edward." This whole scenario felt very strange, even to me. I was already soothing as many people as I could, but there was no way to make this situation feel normal.

Everyone nodded, and dead silence followed.

"What brings you out into the forests?" Alice finally asked.

"We've been searching for you two for the last nine months. We found your scents outside of a small town and followed them here," answered Charlotte. There was something in her mood that shifted, a sense of urgency poured from her.

"What is it?" I asked.

"Last January, we ran into a group led by Hernandez. Maria had sent them out to search for you," Peter said. Venom flooded my mouth and my stomach clenched at the news. I was enjoying my new life. I did not want to think about her again.

"_Why?_" I growled. Fury boiled in me.

"She hasn't done well since you left, and she wants you back. After he lost a battle to you, one of Carlos's soldiers went to Maria for protection. He told her that you were in New York and had joined that coven to defeat Carlos. Jasper, he told Maria that you had found a mate."

The roar was out of my mouth before I even realized it. Fury and panic flooded me. She was searching for me. She wanted me to come back to that hell of a life. She knew about Alice.

"Where are they?" I asked in a voice more animal than human. My vision was crimson with rage.

"We met them in Chicago," Peter continued. "They found out that you were no longer in New York, so they were searching all the large cities. We sent them back east to Washington D.C."

"Thank you for coming to find us," Carlisle's voice and calm demeanor broke through my rage. "You have risked a great deal to help us. Please, do us the honor of joining us and return with us to our home. We will need to discuss this further."

"We do not want to intrude," said Charlotte.

"It's no intrusion at all," said Esme in her most gracious voice.

"Besides, you really do stay," said Alice, undeterred by the news. "You come over to look at the album, do some shopping, and then we all go to Las Vegas for some reason. I don't see Maria in our future yet."

"Please come," I said, my voice back to normal. "I owe you my life several times over. The least I can do it offer you the peace and safety of our home."

Peter looked at the large coven before him. I felt his uncertainty, and tried to soothe it.

"Please, dear," said Charlotte quietly. I knew he could never refuse her. He nodded once.

"Do you want to finish your game first?" he asked.

"No," said Emmett with a shrug. "They found most of us already."

"Found?"

"We were playing a version of Hide and Seek," explained Emmett.

Peter's jaw dropped and he looked at me incredulously. I just grimaced and shrugged. Vampires playing games like Hide and Seek were not a part of his world. Yet. The poor man wouldn't know what hit him once he got to know the Cullens.

I glanced at Edward, but he remained utterly stoic. That was never a good sign. I didn't know if it was because he was upset at our bringing danger to his family, or if he was simply trying not to laugh.

We had run this time rather than taking the Jeeps, and Carlisle led the way, followed by Edward, who shared with him all he'd heard.

I ran between the Cullens and Charlotte who was busy chatting with Alice about dresses of all things. Even with the news that Peter brought, Alice was focused only on being a friend.

"She's a bad influence," chuckled Peter. "I love your little mate, but she is a very bad influence."

I smiled at him, but my mind was far too busy to be bothered by his teasing.

After so long, Maria's claws reached up from the horror of my past and latched onto me. I was numb with the possibilities of what she could do.

I thought about the last month I'd spent with Maria, and reeled from the possibility that she would come after me. If she found out about Alice or Edward, she would stop at nothing to get them. I began to clearly think of the danger, trying to get the message to Edward. At least he would understand numbing fear clearly.

Edward dropped back to run by me. "I got it," he said. "Carlisle is taking it very seriously. I know that she is a threat, but Carlisle has been with the Volturi. He is already thinking of ways to protect us. Between the two of you, and our combined gifts, we should be able to handle her."

"I wish I had your confidence," I said. I could feel an undercurrent of excitement coming from him. He was looking forward to a confrontation, just as every member of our kind did. Edward smiled at me and returned to Carlisle's side.

"So, what do you do with your time, now, Major?" asked Peter after several minutes of silence. His curiosity had been eating at him for a while.

I wasn't entirely sure how to answer him.

"I have been learning, mostly," I began honestly. Peter and Charlotte were nomads, and they would not have a clue how to relate to my very comfortable life.

"Learning what?"

"History, politics, forging, the normal stuff," I said with a shrug.

"Normal for who, exactly?" Peter had a vicious looking smile. Between him and Emmett, this was going to be a long few days.

"The Cullens are a settled coven, and the children all go to school as part of their ruse. The next time we move, Alice will join them. I prefer to study on my own, so Carlisle is helping me," I said with a nod in Carlisle's direction.

"Wait, you're _serious_?"

I swallowed a lungful of air and pride. "I always wanted to go to school, but the war came along, and then Maria destroyed all hope of learning. Carlisle is three centuries old, and a physician. He helps me learn." It seemed so very trite, saying it like that. Carlisle had helped me live almost as much as Alice. For the briefest moment, I began to realize that each of the Cullens - the odd, playful, irritating Cullens - had done their part to welcome and change me.

"What exactly do you intend to do with an education, Major?" asked Peter, looking at me curiously. He wasn't teasing this time.

"Some day, I want to join my wife at school. I would like to have a degree from a college, too, but for now, I am learning about law and business and forging so that we can hide ourselves." He looked impressed.

"Peter, they were married in the winter!" Charlotte squealed as Carlisle ran us far south of Eugene. "Isn't that just simply romantic?"

"I will get you for this," hissed Peter as we ran. Edward chuckled. Yes, this was going to be an interesting night.

X3X3X3X3X

Peter just kept staring at Carlisle as the family brought the couple up to speed on our very unusual lives. He was an absolute nomad, uneasy with any large groups. Yet, sitting here in the living room of a vampire family, he was able to let his guard down a bit. Of course, I helped, but only a little. The couple's anxiety couldn't withstand the playful remarks of Emmett and the loving hospitality of Esme. Mixed with my gift, and the effervescence of Alice, they were totally at the mercy of the family within the hour.

It was kind of funny to watch an ex-assassin become befuddled by kindness.

"So you, all of you, refrain from humans?" asked Charlotte still unbelieving the truth behind the yellow eyes that looked at her.

"We try to," answered Emmett. "We haven't exactly perfected it yet, except Carlisle and Rosalie, of course."

"Of course," said Charlotte weakly. She ran her hands down the sides of the photo albums that Alice had animatedly shown her.

"Now that you have been thoroughly debriefed by every tale our family has to tell," said Carlisle with a look at Alice, "why don't you tell us again how you came about learning of Maria's plans." Alice immediately understood, and her face went blank for a moment. She shook her head, indicating nothing new.

"It's mostly what I told you, Major," said Peter as he looked at me. "She hasn't won many battles since you left, and she hasn't seemed to have found another vampire as gifted in training and war. She wants you back, and when she found out that Carlos had been defeated by you, she decided to try and win you back."

"_Win_ me back?" I asked, bitterness tainting every word.

"Those were the words Hernandez used. You and I both know that once she sets her mind to something, she will do anything to get it," Peter said. His eyes looked to the floor. Everyone knew what he meant.

"You are sure she knows about Alice?" asked Carlisle quietly.

"She knows that Jasper is mated. I don't think she knows Alice is so gifted. She will be mad with envy once she knows. Once you are discovered, she will come for you herself. She will do anything to have your gift back, Major, and now with Alice..." Peter stopped and shook his head. He didn't need to finish. "Together, you two would be unstoppable, and she will do anything for that. _Anything._" He said the words truthfully and simply, but they fell on us with a heavy silence. I knew exactly what she would do if she thought she could get us to join her.

"So, we let her find us," shrugged Emmett. "How hard can it be to kill her?"

"She is older than Carlisle," I said, my voice sounded hollow even to me. "She has survived attack after attack. She has outmaneuvered the Volturi and is the most powerful seeker I know. If she comes near us, she will know of all our gifts, even though she may not understand what they are, she will know."

"Your family mustn't fight her," said Charlotte fiercely. "She is a monster. She has no conscience at all, and will do anything to achieve her goals." Her eyes looked feral as she remembered her short past and near death in Maria's ranks.

"I have no intention of fighting her," said Carlisle calmly. He looked at me, and for a moment I feared that he'd finally had enough of us. Any normal coven would have forced us to leave immediately, but, of course, Carlisle was anything but normal. "I will, however, protect my family at all costs. Can you teach us what to do when she comes? Peter, you and Jasper are our best chance at keeping my family safe."

I nodded my affirmation while my head whirled. There was no doubt or hesitation in Carlisle; we were a part of this family. Carlisle hadn't even considered asking us to leave. He wanted us here, even with the danger we posed.

"We know how to fight her, but you need to understand, she is treacherous, more devious than any other vampire I've ever met. She will not attack you in the way you've prepared for," warned Peter.

"We are a surprisingly resourceful group," Carlisle said with a sly smile. "She may find that we are harder to fight than she realizes."

The old man was already up to something. I heard Edward whistle. Whatever it was, it was going to be good. I hoped it was good enough.

"Does this mean we get to finally crack some bodies?" asked Emmett excitedly.

"I hope not, but we will be ready for it if it comes to that," said Carlisle.

Emmett gave a whoop and then turned to his father. "It's about time we finally were trained well."

"If it comes to a fight, training won't help you," said Charlotte quietly. "It is difficult to train for treachery and madness."

"I have some experience with treachery," said Carlisle in reply. "Madness is another matter entirely. However, your help has already been invaluable. Sending the searchers away has given us precious time. For that alone, we are in your debt."

"We would be glad to stay and help," said Charlotte quickly. Alice put her arms around her and beamed at her.

"I can't guarantee how long we will stay, but we won't leave you without a way to protect yourselves," said Peter, with a sharp look at his mate. Alice really had rubbed off on the timid female.

"You will stay long enough for some descent clothing and a warm bath, at least," said Alice. She smiled at me and winked. Nothing more dangerous than overloading our cars with a massive shopping trip was emanate in our near future.

We showed Peter and Charlotte to the guest house, we had given up on the whole garage idea for the most part, and Alice settled them into our shower. While she and Esme planned a shopping expedition, I sought out Carlisle.

"In here," called Edward from the office. Of course they would be.

"I'm truly sorry," I said as I entered.

"Edward told me how guilty you feel, and that you thought we would not want you to stay. Jasper, you and Alice are my children. I didn't create you, but I did choose you. I will never allow harm to come to any of you," he said fervently. "At least not as long as I can prevent it."

"You may not be able to fight her," I said in all honesty. "If we try, we will most likely lose someone." Fear for my mate's safety flooded me, and I fought to contain it.

"She is a worthy opponent," agreed Edward. "All of them have memories of her cruelty and cleverness. I honestly don't think she is entirely sane."

"So, what is her strength?" asked Carlisle.

"Peter can help with this," I said, "but it is her devious creativity that is hard to fight. Her gift is like Eleazar's, though it isn't as specific. She does seems to know exactly how strong an opponent is. She has centuries of fighting experience, and she will stop at nothing to get what she wants. She is the most dangerous opponent I know."

Carlisle took it all in silently. I could feel his unease over what I was saying.

"Will she come herself, or will she send others to do her bidding?" he asked.

"Most likely, one of the search parties will find us first, and then she will come herself," I said.

"Alice can see that, right?" asked Emmett.

"That's the trouble," I admitted. "Maria has learned to flow with the moment. She rarely ever makes decisions in advance. She can sense when a battle isn't going her way, or when a human is a good catch, and she acts instantly. Planning and making the decisions was my specialty."

"But she will have to choose to come north," said Carlisle, "or her soldiers will simply choose to battle us. Either way, Alice should be able to give us a few days warning at least. If we keep Edward's gift as hidden as possible, perhaps even hide him, than we can have an advantage."

I looked around the room, Emmett was smiling and nodding, Edward was more serious, but also hopeful. Carlisle's mood was grim, but determined. It was too much.

"I can't let you do this," I stated flatly. "I won't let you kill yourselves for us. Maria isn't an opponent you can face without loss, and I won't let you die for us."

Carlisle's hands were heavy on my shoulders before I even finished. "Son," he said quietly, "don't you understand yet? There isn't a 'you' and 'us.' You are my child, and there is only the family. We face this together. When or if she comes, we stand together. I fully believe that this family is stronger than any opponent Maria has ever fought. You both are worth our sacrifice."

I couldn't take my eyes off of him. He had been my leader, my teacher, and was becoming my friend, but the feelings from him and the look on his face were so much more than any of those. He was unfailing in his belief. To him, I was his son.

From the doorway, a myriad of emotions flowed into me. I turned and saw Peter and Charlotte staring at us. The look on their faces was unreadable. Our kind did not say such things. As I watched him, Peter's face set in determination.

"We will make sure your family is prepared," he said quietly. "We won't leave you until you are prepared for her. I promise."

"Thank you," said Carlisle solemnly. "Our family is in your debt."

"Yes," hissed Emmett. "Fighting and football. This day just isn't going to get any better."

"Football?" asked Carlisle.

"Don't look at me, Alice said it," Emmett said, his hands up in defense.

"She also said something about shopping," said Charlotte with a shy smile.

"And Las Vegas," added Peter with a huge smile.

They were fitting right in.

||O||O||O||O||

The couple in front of me was perfect for what I wanted to do. They were drunk, but only to the point where they no longer had inhibitions. The fact that they were touching like that in public attested to their lack of social mores. They would have been arrested anywhere else, but here they were simply an obstacle to stumble over.

I turned from the roulette table where Alice was slowly building her wealth and focused my attention on the two in front of me. I'd been working on this for a long time, but still, it was hard to block out all the other feelings in the room and simply feel the amorous lovers in front of me. I sent them a subtle feeling of anger. The people around me shifted, but didn't seem to alter their moods. However, the woman in front of me shoved the man away.

I felt rather proud of myself.

I sent them lust, and the man's hands immediately began to grope the woman. I shifted in my seat to get a better look. I waited for a moment before sending shame.

They both blushed deeply and scooted away from each other, looking around nervously. This was going to be fun. I felt Alice shift beside me, and I caught her curious gaze. I smiled pleasantly back, and she cocked an eyebrow. I wondered what she saw, but since she wasn't stopping me, it must not be too bad. I settled back on the stool and went back to playing. The couple was just returning to each other's arms, so I helped them out a bit. Once they were again entangled, I decided to try more complex emotions.

Just as their tongues were busy in each other's mouths, I shoved disgust into them both. The man next to me swallowed hard and looked around, but I continued the onslaught until the couple was once again disentangled and looking at each other as if they were refuse. The woman went so far as to sniff at the man. I chuckled out loud and Alice elbowed me.

"What?' I hissed.

"Stop that!" she hissed back.

"Will it cause trouble?" I whispered. I didn't need to make a mistake now.

"No, it's just rude," she answered, and then turned to place her bet.

"They were rude before I was," I said in my defense. "Besides, drunk people are so much fun to play with. I'll be careful." Alice sighed and nodded. I scooted off the seat and got closer to my newfound toys.

Another strong mood of lust was all it took to get the two of them going again. Then, just as their tongues were back at it, I sent rage and hate. The woman bit down hard. Everyone turned to look at the couple when the man screamed. This was so much better than poker. I heard and felt Edward come up behind me.

"You're right," he sniggered, "this is much more fun."

"Got a little bored?"

"Emmett wants to do it on his own. Peter and Charlotte are at Black Jack, but all they can think about is each other and that hotel room Alice chose for them." He sounded disgusted. My own mind wandered to the images we saw in the huge mirror on the ceiling of our room. That was a brilliant idea. I wondered if Esme would consider...

Edward moaned.

"Sorry," I said, quickly wiping the image from my mind. "What should we do with them now?" I asked, pointing to the arguing couple.

"Anxiety."

Immediately, the couple stopped their heated discussion, and looked at each other warily. I bumped the feeling up to fear, and the couple backed away from each other. Looking around the room, they pressed their backs against the wall, scanning the room for the threat.

"How fast do they get back together?" Edward asked.

I noted a few humans watching the strange behavior, and decided to give them a show.

Raw lust filled the room.

"Jasper," complained Edward.

"Sorry."

I refocused and sent the couple the potent emotion. Within a minute, the couple was back in each other's arms.

"This really is fun. I had no idea you were that good," said Edward.

"Thanks, I've been working on it." He looked at me curiously, and I sent him a mental image of Rosalie and Emmett.

"So that's how they broke the bed," he chuckled.

"Emmett asked me to do it. Whatever you do, don't tell Rosie."

I turned my attention back to the couple and thought about sending shame again. but Edward's sudden jerk made me stop.

"No, lust," he hissed, "lots of lust."

I did so immediately. Before I could ask why, I felt a bolt of rage so strong that it shot through the room like a lightning bolt. I turned and saw a man at the edge of the little crowd. He was shaking and purple with anger.

I sent the couple anxiety and then added to the rage in the room. That tipped the scale, and the enraged husband threw himself at the man.

"Oh, this _will_ be good," said Alice from my side. Just then, a woman rushed in on the scene and began pulling the hair of the female.

"Very nice," said Emmett appreciatively. He and Rosalie had followed Alice. "Did you do this?"

"Not all of it." I should have felt bad about this, but the fighting humans were hilarious.

"_Again?_" Carlisle's exasperated hiss came from behind us.

"It was him this time," Emmett said as he pointed directly at me.

"How exactly does this fit into 'low profile?'" Esme asked. Her mouth twitched up as a large woman tackled a very drunk younger man.

I sent aggression again, and the fight between them got worse. The girls were swinging each other by the hair, and the men were trying to punch each other. One backswing went awry, and hit a bystander on the nose. He immediately entered the fray. The two women stopped fighting to attack the third man. Then the third man's wife got into it. With one more blast of aggression, the majority of the humans joined the fight. Emmett began to laugh loudly.

A human threw a punch at him, and we all heard the bones break as the fist hit Emmett's jaw.

"Security!" Alice's warning was all it took. We walked quickly away, but I looked back one last time to send more anger, pride and panic into the room. Security was going to have quite a night.

xX8X8X8X8X8X8Xx

Edward and Alice took Peter and Charlotte for one last run in the casinos while we gathered our necessary items. Edward and Alice were also setting up ways to use this most corrupt of cities as a way to launder Cullen income. If we were going to play here, we might as work here too. It was truly the perfect vampire vacation spot.

I knew Alice wasn't happy about our plan, but everyone else seemed to enjoy the idea. Carlisle and Esme, who enjoyed the musical shows more than gambling, both were rather stoic about the whole thing.

Emmett and I had scoured the city, buying crates of the most potent booze we could find. That, along with the home brew that Emmett had concocted from his grandmother's recipe would create hours of enjoyment.

By the time midnight rolled around, we were heading into the hills around the Las Vegas oasis with cars so fully loaded with incendiary materials they were nothing short of bombs.

This was going to be great fun.

We chose a mesa that overlooked the city on one side and a deep canyon on the other. After unpacking the liquor and lighters, Peter and I showed how it worked.

"This is dangerous, but I think you will all enjoy it," I began. The trick is to force all the venom and alcohol out at the same time. If you dribble even a little, your clothes may catch fire."

"Or worse, your hair," interjected Peter. "There is nothing more horrible than going through eternity with burnt hair. Or bald."

Rosalie gasped.

"Are you sure about this?" asked Esme worriedly. Her hair was tightly up and covered with a miners cap, as were all our heads, but still, the thought of eternally burnt hair had her terrified.

"So long as you take deep breaths, and regurgitate rather than spit, it will be fine," soothed Peter.

"Wait," Rosalie put both hands up. "Did you just say the word regurgitate? _Regurgitate! _ I have to _throw up_ to make a fire stream?" She was furious.

"It's more like burping, really hard burping," answered Peter.

"It's perfect for me," said Emmett as he stepped up to the bottles of his home brew.

"Each combination of alcohol, mixed with our venom, will make a different colored flame. Once you pu-, er, burp it out with enough force, it can shoot for hundreds of feet. I'll demonstrate," Peter said with the authority of a second in command. He chose a large vodka bottle. Poured it down his throat in a steady stream, and jumped twice. Then he began pulling in huge gulps of air.

"The air makes the liquid even more volatile and jumping mixes the brew," I explained to the wide eyed Cullens.

With one swift movement, Peter's stomach constricted, and his hand flew up with the lighter. His heaving belch was drowned out by the roar of the flame as it erupted from him. The canyon walls glowed blue and purple with the brightly colored flames.

There was silence.

"That doesn't really look safe," whispered Esme in shock.

At that moment, both Edward and Emmett were suddenly chugging booze. I handed them lighters as they bounced up and down and sucked down air, then they copied Peter's move to create a double arc of flaming color. The night sky turned bright orange and green, and Emmett's loud whoop echoed off the canyon walls.

Within thirty minutes, we were all making fire dance across the sky. Esme even learned to make simple words.

The newspaper that Alice grabbed on our way out of town held several reports of UFO sightings in the area. Sometimes, it wasn't such a bad thing to be a vampire.

* * *

So... this is the next to last chapter of Coalescence. Please don't shoot me.

I truly hate it when a story goes on too long, and this is one of those times when I was about to do just that. You see, the story arc of Coalescence is nearly complete, and Alice and Jasper are where they need to be. Adding on much more to this story simply won't work. I tried, I really did, but this isn't the place where the Twilight Saga belongs. It simply won't fit.

That isn't a bad thing because that means that I can take more time with the Cullens before and during the Saga. Jasper and Alice need to tell their parts of the Twilight tale and need their own place to do it.

I will be continuing the story of their lives together in a new story that I plan to call Rogue. It will be a mix of Jasper's past and his experience during Twilight. I will also FINALLY begin writing the rest of We Who Are Not Alone. Both stories will be novelettes rather than the huge monsters I created here, and will both begin posting in December (assuming I survive NaNoWriMo).

Remylebouishot found a very promising canon fic called Rosalie's Revenge. The author has the same name. It is chilling, but quite good, and I heartily recommend it.

Could you do me a favor? I am now the administrator of a website that features only PG rated canon and AU fics only. It is called Twilight Fanfiction and Fanart: An Exclusive Archive. If you know of any authors or artists whose work is excellent and canon, would you mind giving me their names? I would love to contact them, especially those that are less well known, and offer them a spot in our archive.

Thanks!


	24. Chapter 24: Some Might Call It Home

It is always a strange feeling to push the complete button. It is both sad and exciting in a way that is difficult to explain. I will miss this story, but it is time for it to come to its end. To those wonderful people who have taken the time to review, thank you SO much! You are the reason I continue to write!

My beta readers, Remylebeauishot, Mistral123 and Vanessa James, have been my stalwart companions and best critics, and I cannot thank them enough. Truly, if this story was worth your time, it is because of these beautiful ladies.

Thank you, Stephenie Meyer, for letting me play with Alice. She's all yours, but I had fun with her for a while.

_

* * *

_

_**August, 1956**_

I waited until we were well into Canada before finally bringing it up. I didn't want to be rude, so mentioning it in the state of Alaska seemed inappropriate. Of course, I wasn't sure where it would be appropriate.

"I simply _don't _understand their choices," I finally said. Eleazar was the only member of the Denali coven for whom the decision made any sense at all. Of course, he had been a priest, so the choice to abstain from humans was perfectly logical. His mate, the soft spoken Carmen, would have followed her mate's lead just as I followed Alice's.

But the sisters were a mystery. A rather risqué one.

Edward shrugged and slowed, letting the girls run ahead of us as they excitedly discussed stopping in Chicago for more school shopping.

"They're lonely, that's all," he said quietly. He shot me a warning glance, but it was too late.

"That's not all," hissed Emmett, "and you know it. You know exactly _how_ they manage it. Now 'fess up!" Emmett had been far less subtle about his curiosity. In fact, his constant comments about their lifestyle had nearly driven Carlisle and Esme to the point of murder.

I'd found them hilarious.

Edward looked from me to his brother. His face would have been crimson with embarrassment and anger, had he been able to blush.

"They want companionship and look to human males to give it to them," he said yet again. "Stop that Emmett!" he growled at the huge man.

"Don't give me that," said Emmett with an evil grin. "If they wanted companionship, they wouldn't have all those smaller homes by the hot springs. They have huge fireplaces, and the biggest beds I've ever seen. I just need the facts, 'cause my imagination is probably worse than the reality of it. I can keep going with these thoughts all night."

Edward looked murderously at his brother. "Knock that off before I try to take a body part from you. They really are lonely. The rest of it is simply not up for discussion."

I'd heard of vampires that were drawn to humans. In all truth, that had been Carlisle and Esme's story. They had fallen for each other when she was a young teen, but being Carlisle, he had fled rather than change the girl. Whether or not that had proven to be a good idea was something I often wondered; I think we all did, but no one brought the subject up. No one wanted to cause either of them pain.

Rosalie had done the same for Emmett, seeing something in him that told her he was her mate, poor man.

But the Denali women were nothing but a mystery.

They preferred to love human men and leave them human. At first, I thought they loved them as pets, little warm things that they could stroke and cuddle with. Their relationships with their men, however, were anything but platonic.

"I don't care about the _why_," glowered Emmett, unwilling to drop the subject. "I care about the_ how_. It's just not natural."

"Trust me, you don't want to know the how," Edward snapped. Emmett looked as if he was going to say something, but Carlisle's voice rang out a little too loudly.

"Ah, here we are," he said as we exited the woods overlooking our hotel. It was more of a resort than hotel, situated on Puget Sound. Instead of rooms, the place had small cabins that were distant enough to give us all some privacy. We also used it because it was a good place to park our cars while we ran north; it took far too long to drive to Alaska. We would clean up here, and then continue our journey to our new home in Anne Arbor, Michigan after spending a day shopping in our old stomping grounds. School would start in a week, and Alice simply had to get the outfits right. From the girl's discussion, we would be stopping in Chicago as well, but there we would stay in Edward's home.

Carlisle shot a stern look at Emmett, which stopped any more conversation. However, we all knew this discussion was going to pop up again soon.

Once Carlisle and Esme had gone to their cabin, Emmett popped his head back out of his and Rosalie's. He looked over at Edward who was still glaring at him and hissed out, "This isn't over. Not by a long shot."

Edward's shoulders slumped a bit, and he slammed the door a bit too hard. Emmett then looked over at Alice and me and grinned. "We'll wear him down, trust me," he said with another huge grin. I nodded but decided to let the subject drop.

Alice burst out laughing.

"That bad?" I asked, pulling her through the door of our cabin.

"It will be," she laughed.

"Will I be there?"

"Oh, I hope so. It will be so much better if you are." She reached up and placed her arms around my neck, pressing her body against mine in the most pleasant way. "You are a filthy man," she purred as she kissed my lips.

"Yes, Ma'am, I am. I may be in need of your expert help tonight." My hands traced down her back and ripped her trousers from her. I knew she was going to throw them out anyway.

In an instant, my own shirt was on the floor, and her fingers were tracing hot lines on my cold scars. Within moments, we were shredding the rest of our clothes and stepping into a hot shower. I let my kisses trail down her neck with the hot water.

And then the memory of the Denali clan's homes by the hot springs, which smelled heavily of human males, rushed in.

"What's wrong? Why did you shudder?" Alice asked.

"It's nothin', Beloved," I assured her as I damned Emmett to the hell he deserved.

I pushed all thoughts of the strange women and their odd habits down deep into my mind. Alice looked at me curiously, and I began to use her soap to ease her mind. Her skin, under the slick coat of soap, had the most exquisite feeling to it.

After using up the entire bar of soap on my wife's body, we exited the shower and moved to more traditional positions. We hadn't been alone for several weeks, and having her to myself was almost magical. I laid her small form on the bed, and remembered the massive beds the sisters used. They were the size of the whole cabin we now inhabited. Unmated vampires usually didn't need beds that size. They didn't need beds at all.

I froze, trying to get the memory, and all the imaginary images that came with it, out of my mind. I would somehow make Emmett suffer for this.

"Jasper." Alice looked at me with a knowing glance.

"I'm tryin', Love, really I am, but between those women and their hobbies and our over-sexed brother have messed with my mind."

She just snorted at me and wriggled out from under me. "I thought as much." She hopped over to our suitcase and pulled out a long bamboo tube.

"Do you have any idea how much I love you?" I asked, already focused on her perfect body and the scroll she was unrolling.

"Oh, yes I do, but I think you need to prove it to me," she said as her eyebrow shot up. "Fifty-two, or shall we try sixty-seven?" She brought the scroll over.

"If we bend just right, we could combine them. We will need floor space though. I intend to thoroughly prove to you how much I adore you, my wife." I still loved that word. Even after five years, it never lost its wonder to me.

She easily shoved the chairs and coffee table out of the way while I pulled the blankets down on the floor. Outside, I think I heard Edward's feet running away.

I ignored them. In fact, right now, I tried to pretend that the whole damn family no longer existed, and that I'd never met those Russian sisters.

oxxOoXoOxxo

It was in the middle of Chicago's busy downtown shopping area that Emmett chose to bring up the subject again. He did so without embarrassment. In fact, the only hint I had that he was going to bring up vampire sexuality in public was Edward's horrified face.

We all sat under umbrellas waiting for our mates, looking just like all the other dejected men who would rather sit in the constant drizzle than face the torture of yet another dress shop.

"Why humans?" was all he said, and the three of us tensed.

"This is hardly the place," hissed Carlisle.

"That's why I chose it," said Emmett. "You can answer me honestly, and this stays quiet, or you can keep dodging the questions, and it gets really loud." Emmett was quite proud of himself. I was rather impressed as well. I glanced at Carlisle who looked angrily at Emmett. I hadn't seen him look angry at anyone. He couldn't pull it off well, and Emmett only grinned wider.

Edward was rubbing his temples. "I don't need these images right now, thank you," he hissed at them both. "Emmett, most of what you are thinking isn't possible."

"So, Carlisle can set me straight." The large vampire shrugged, not put off in the least.

"I honestly don't know how they complete the task," Carlisle said, glancing nervously around. "I know they do, but I cannot fathom for the life of me how it occurs."

"Wait, you don't _know_? How can you not know? You've been a doctor for over two centuries." Emmett was far too loud, and we all cringed as several humans looked up at us.

In unison, we all turned our attention to Edward.

"No."

"Like I said, little brother, I'm not giving up," Emmett taunted. "I've waited fifteen years for the answer to that question, and I refuse to wait any longer. So 'fess up now."

"He's serious," I said.

"Oh, I know he is," snapped Edward. He ran a hand through his hair.

"He isn't going to stop this time, is he?" asked Carlisle, a tone of resignation thick in his voice.

"No," we both answered at once. Emmett beamed at us. He was really good at this.

Carlisle stood up and walked briskly to an alleyway. Once down the passage, he leapt up a fire escape and disappeared over the edge of a roof.

"Where is he going?" asked Emmett.

"Where they won't see us when we rip you to shreds," growled Edward, and then he copied his father's ascent.

"He's not serious, is he?" Emmett looked at me uncertainly, and I laughed.

"I think he wants privacy," I said. Carlisle, for all his propriety, was just as curious as Emmett and I.

We found the two of them under a veranda of some penthouse restaurant. It was far too early in the day for patrons, and there were rather comfortable chairs under the shelter.

We sat down, and the space between us filled with awkward silence. Finally, Carlisle cleared his throat. Edward looked like he was ready to bolt.

"As you both know, the ladies of the coven are very old. They are from a world in which women were often shamefully used, and beautiful women more so than others. They were part of a culture that allowed powerful men to take advantage of them, and that is what happened. Because of this, they never knew love, and now they crave it."

"I know that," said Emmett. "I know the why, and I'm okay with it. But we are made of cold stone. And humans are, well, warm, soft and juicy. How can a human man, even in the throes of passion, not notice that a few things are wrong?"

Edward made a retching noise but continued to stare into the distance.

"I believe alcohol has a great deal to do with it," said Carlisle.

"I don't care how drunk a human is, they are still going to notice a few things. Besides they live in Alaska. Our bodies are the temperature of the air. How do they not freeze the guys', um, parts off?"

Edward coughed.

"Temperature is always an issue, but if you remember, they live in an area of volcanic activity. The hot springs in their home help with that, I believe," Carlisle said, focusing on the same gray spot Edward looked at.

"That makes sense," I said, impressed by their choice of location. There were plenty of large animals near their log home, and the hot springs in the smaller homes were very enjoyable. All of us but Edward had used them. Our bodies had heated within an hour's time. Taking a very drunk male into such a hot spring would not only aid his libido, but hide our ambient temperature. Handy.

"Oh, okay," Emmett mumbled, nodding. "That helps, 'cause, you know that when the temp outside is too cold, they could accidentally freeze a few things and snap the poor guy in half."

Edward laughed nervously. Emmett cocked an eyebrow at him and leaned over. "Care to share, little bro?"

Edward's mouth twitched. "That has actually happened. Siberia is a very cold place."

Emmett just stared at him. "Really? Oh, man! The poor guy."

"Yes, I suppose it would be the similar to a human sticking their tongue to a freezing flagpole," nodded Carlisle.

I grimaced. That was not a mental image I ever wanted to have.

"It's so much worse than you know," said Edward to us all.

"How... many... times?" asked Emmett in horror. "I mean, I had a little experience before I was changed, and that whole area is a... tender subject."

Carlisle sniggered, and I grinned at him. For Emmett, this discussion was personal.

"It took them almost two hundred years to stop killing the men," Edward offered.

"Do you mean to stop eating from them, or..." Emmett never finished. The options ran through my head against my will.

"Or," Edward stated flatly.

Emmett looked at Edward and swallowed.

"How did they die?" Emmett's voice trembled.

"Blood loss," Edward and Carlisle replied together. Emmett and I instinctively brought our legs together in the universal empathetic motion of all males.

"Crushing injuries would result in massive hemorrhaging, certainly," said Carlisle in his clinical voice.

"What a terrible way to go," moaned Emmett.

"I can't think of much worse," I said, fighting the images that flooded my head.

"They didn't waste the blood," said Edward, like that would make it all better. A whole new series of images came to me. No wonder Edward didn't want to talk about this.

"The poor bastards," whispered Emmett with a shudder. "But how do they even get... together? I mean, stone doesn't open for soft flesh easily." I swear that Emmett would have been blushing if he could. I would have, too, truth be told.

Edward said nothing, but Carlisle cleared his throat. "Perhaps with a great deal of... experience - of practicing the art, so to speak, stone might... become more... malleable." The vampire was nearly stuttering. "Also, there are other orifices which might be used." The final words were spoken so quickly I almost didn't catch them.

"That's a hell of a lot of practice," stated Emmett.

"They've been doing this for hundreds of years," Edward reminded him. "Hundreds."

"Before they mastered the art," I said carefully, "there would have been mass casualties."

"Carnage." Edward said it with a shudder.

"Wait," began Emmett, his eyes growing large. "Wait. Other ora-? But we have teeth! And suction! I can suck a bull moose dry in under a minute! What happened when -?"

"Don't!" Edward choked out. He was rubbing his eyes as if he was trying to scrub away some memory. Then he pinched the bridge of his nose and squeezed his eyes shut. "For the love of all that is holy, just stop!"

Emmett snapped his knees shut once again, and I found myself doing the same.

"That could conceivably disembowel the poor - "

"Carlisle!" Edward growled. He looked positively ill.

"I'm sorry, Edward, just thinking out loud."

"I know!"

"No wonder you wanted to keep all this to yourself," Emmett said. He almost moaned the words. "This is worse than I ever thought it could be."

Edward nodded and returned to stare at the monotonous gray of the sky. Try as I might, I couldn't stop my own mind from drawing some very inappropriate conclusions.

I needed Alice.

"Finding the girls would be a brilliant idea," said Edward thickly.

"Yes, yes it would," said Emmett as he stood. "I really need my very sturdy, stone mate right now. None of that warm soft stuff for me. I need something with some staying power to it."

X8X8X8X8X8X

Her arms held me as the room became lighter. Colors shifted and shadows formed, but she didn't move. She had been anxious about this day for a long time, both in good and bad ways. Now that it was here, she vacillated wildly between emotions. Or maybe that was me.

I took firm hold of my emotions and tried to comfort my mate.

"You will be fine there," I whispered into her shoulder. I kissed it as I spoke.

"I don't want to go," she whimpered.

I had to chuckle. I could dimly remember uttering those very same words when I was a boy. It was a strange memory to keep.

"Alice, no one wants to go," I said. "None of the others do, and I can guarantee that the human children feel the same way." Alice buried her face in my chest. "It will be fine, Beloved," I cooed. "I wish I could go with you." My chest constricted painfully as I held back the raw emotions I felt. I couldn't imagine letting her go, but there was no way I could join her. Alice and Edward were able to catch me most of the time, but to my shame I'd killed eight times in the last six years.

I would now be alone with Esme on school days because my own weakness kept me from joining her.

I couldn't even stand outside the school, at least not yet. The mistakes I made were totally spontaneous, and there seemed to be no mitigating factor but one; times of intense emotion made me more likely to attack. I couldn't tell when one whiff of wind or the beat of a single heart would pull the monster to the surface, and that made me very dangerous.

Today, my weakness would cost me my mate. I buried my feelings deep within me and sent her peace I could not feel.

"You should get ready," I said softly. "There is no reason to waste a perfectly good outfit."

"Liar."

"Well, yes, but I'm pretty good at it," I said, forcing a chuckle.

She lifted her small body off of mine, and I immediately regretted every slip, every moment of weakness, I had ever had. She paused, letting her chest dangle tantalizingly against me. Then she wiggled.

"That's not fair," I groaned.

"Just a little promise of what will come tonight," she said with an evil grin. This was going to be a long day.

I walked over to my dresser as she bathed and pulled out the small wooden box I'd carved for her. Inside, lying perfectly in the center, was the small ring that would replace the wedding bands that currently encircled her finger. It was a small gold ring that held within its alloy the final shards of my grandparent's bands. I'd had it made for Alice before our move to Ann Arbor.

Here, she was Emmett's little sister, and I was Jasper Hale. Alice and Edward would become freshmen today, Emmett would be a sophomore, and Rosalie would be a college student. No one was happy this morning, and the mood permeated the walls and air of the home.

I felt Alice walk up behind me. She wrapped her arms around me, the heat of the water leaving her slightly warm to me.

"I've been dreading this part," she whispered. I turned and looked at her beautiful naked body, caught for a moment in the wonder of her. I hung on to that feeling as I pulled out the ring and took her hand. I kissed the wedding bands.

"Me too, Beloved," I said. A wave of sadness filled me, but I fought it as I slowly removed the wedding bands and replaced them with the small promise ring. I hated myself for needing to send her away from me with nothing more than a small gold band on her finger. I should have been strong enough to stand beside her with my fingers entwined in hers to show that she was mine.

She smiled up at me, sadness tugged at her eyes. "It really is beautiful, Jazzy," she said.

"It isn't enough," I whimpered into her as I held her close.

"It is all I need," she said, and she turned and began to dress herself for the day.

I stood still and tried not to wallow in my own pity. It was just high school. She would be there with Edward and Emmett. It would be perfectly fine.

I hated my life.

xXOXx

I was right. No one was particularly happy about the day. I was an utter wreck, but next to me, Rosalie was the most worried, and Emmett was the most miserable. This time, going to school meant time away from each other. After twenty-six years of this life, Rosalie would go to college for the first time to earn a medical degree. Despite Alice's assurances, it was a risky maneuver even for her, but one that would benefit both her and Carlisle. Edward had earned his first medical degree in 1948.

Emmett's mood soured as Rosalie turned and drove off in her new Pontiac. He was absolutely sullen as Carlisle drove the "children" to school. I tried to lift the spirits of those in the car, but I failed miserably. By the time we reached the city, we were a carload of cranky killers.

The wall of emotion hit me when Carlisle turned onto the street that the school was on. Even though the building was still distant, the emotions projecting from the place struck me with the force of an explosion.

Edward and I moaned at the same moment. "That is so much worse," he growled. "Hearing their thoughts is bad enough, but feeling all of that is nauseating. Thank God you won't be with us."

He was right; I was about to gag. The emotional environment was suffocating me.

"Do they always feel so much?" I asked. I took a huge breath and held it. With this much emotion, it wouldn't take much for me to make another mistake.

"It's like this every day," said Edward flatly. He was also straining under the emotional avalanche. "I only have to hear it, though. I can't imagine feeling it every day." His eyes were closed, and he rubbed them and then ran his hand down his face a few times. I did the same and tried to block the rising angst as we drove closer to the school. By the time Carlisle parked, both of us had our heads in our hands, and Alice was rubbing my back.

High school, if I ever got there, would be my personal hell.

A group of close knit girls wandered past us, and I shuddered. "_How_ can they feel all of that at once? They are less human than I am." I hissed.

Carlisle cast a worried glance around the car. Emmett sat next to him looking murderous, Edward and I sat in the back writhing in emotional agony, and Alice sat beside me trying to ease my pain, but looking decidedly pale.

"Perhaps we should wait a few days," he ventured.

"No, let's just get this over with," grumbled Emmett, and he grabbed his school supplies and exited the car. He stalked up to the entrance of the building and looked back at us expectantly. The humans had instinctively made a wide passage for him and were now staring at us like we were from outer space.

"It will be fine," said Alice with a rather strained voice. It sounded more like a question than a statement.

"Just go, and come back to me quickly," I pleaded with her. Edward was already out of the car and walking to the building. A new set of emotions hit me like a wall. Lust and desire flowed from the females around the campus.

Suddenly, the small promise ring on Alice's finger wasn't nearly enough. When she exited the car, the lust redoubled now coming from the males, as did the constant undercurrent of jealousy. That emotion burned itself off the females around her. I roared in rage, and Carlisle's hands were around my arm.

"Jasper!" His voice reached through my fog of anger and frustration. I felt the car pull me away from the storm of emotion that was the school. I looked back at the school and saw my face reflected in the rear window looking at me with broken sadness.

It would be a very long time before I could endure this most normal of human events.

xxXxxOxxXxx

_**December, 1957**_

I watched out the window. I always ended up looking out the window this time of day. Esme was busy flipping through her latest copy of "Architectural Digest," but I could feel her worry beginning to grow. It was the same thing every day, and as bad as it was for me, I knew it was worse for Edward and Emmett. They had three more years to go in High School, and already they were nearly bored to death. Or so they wished.

The only two who were still enjoying their time here were Alice and Rosalie. However, they were both dreading our next move in four years, and their next stint in school. We would be moving to West Virginia, and it would be Edward's turn to attend college and receive his next degree.

I would be left at home. There was no time in the future that Alice could yet foresee when I would be able to join my mate at school. Even then, I would try the smaller classes of a college first. I still couldn't stomach the emotions that dripped like sewage from the high school.

Carlisle came to stand behind me. "They will be home soon, son," he said. I heard the paper crinkle under his arm as he shifted. I turned and looked at him curiously. If he brought a paper out, there was a reason for it.

"We need to discuss the issue with Southeast Asia today," he said.

"Alice says it can still go either way," I reminded him.

"I know, but my experience with human war is that it never gets better until is has reached the worst case scenario."

I nodded. My studies in history, led by Carlisle, had pointed to that conclusion as well. The use of the atomic bomb, and the current nuclear standoff, were evidence of that.

"I believe that they will begin pushing the draft again," Carlisle said.

"That would be a bad thing," I said, finally understanding his concern. Of all the dangers in living as a human, the draft was the most problematic.

"During World War II, Edward was legally in his forties, and Emmett was dead. Now, however, I have three sons within the legal age."

"I'm a little too old, according to my papers, and we could always kill off Edward and Emmett," I suggested.

"I need to die first," said Carlisle. "Esme and I are legally in our fifties. Besides, Emmett has been working on it for months now. I would hate to disappoint him."

I smiled, thinking of the elaborate plan and huge Molotov cocktail that Emmett and I had designed. We had created it as a possible weapon, but had decided it would only prove a good distraction should the family be attacked. When we were ready to leave here, we planned to use it to stage a fiery auto accident in which Carlisle and Esme would die. We children would then be shipped off to West Virginia to live with relatives. We even had the will ready.

"Rosalie will also be angry if she doesn't get to faint like she's been planning," I said.

"She likes to do things over the top," nodded Carlisle. Rosalie was going to be working at the hospital, since she was finishing up her first round of clinicals. She had the entire scene all planned out and had even practiced it should we need to leave sooner than we planned. None of us dared tell her how melodramatic she was.

Esme chuckled behind us. She was rather excited about the whole event. Deaths were rare, but necessary so that no one, especially not the tax man, was the wiser.

"Anyway," said Carlisle, pulling out the paper and showing me the headline about more troops being sent as peacekeepers to the small and inconsequential country of Vietnam, "we need to discuss a possible move to Canada. If I take a position there, it will be much easier to create new lives and avoid a possible draft if needed."

"That could be fun," mused Esme. "I've never lived in another country before."

"Living in Canada will only protect us for so long," I said. That was already an issue with many humans.

"If the conflict becomes too large, we can go on an extended family vacation," said Esme. "Alice and Jasper haven't seen Isle Esme, and I would love to tour the tropics again."

"We can make all the plans tonight. I just want to make sure we have everything ready in case we need to leave the United States due to legal issues," said Carlisle thoughtfully. "My hope is that it never comes to that."

I looked at him, and understood. We had a dozen such plans. Should there be an accident, we could easily move within a day. Should another coven come in, each of us knew our parts and how to protect ourselves. Should a legal issue arise, we had documents ready to start new lives in several locations. If we were threatened, we had a battle plan. Being a Cullen meant being prepared for anything.

Carlisle looked at me and nodded to the door. We walked out into the cool day. The cloud cover overhead was thinning, and strips of blue could be seen between the gray. Alice had again called it perfectly.

We stood, looking up at a sky that was as endless as our lives. Behind the widening blue, we could see the dim light of stars that lay hidden to the humans.

"Has Alice seen anything?" Carlisle asked, never taking his eyes from the December sky. The snow was late this year, and the clicking of the barren tree limbs sounded around us like distant gunfire.

For a moment, I was again transported to another time, when I and another had looked into the distance. Then, it was gunfire that we heard.

The hills of southern Texas rose around us. I could see them only dimly in my human memory, and I could not make out the face of the man next to me. I knew, though I could not clearly remember it, that I was on a horse, and that the saddle was a comforting place.

I did remember that the air smelled of gun oil and black powder.

"We goin' to Galveston, Major?" said the ghost of a voice.

My deeper voice drifted out of the memory, startling me. "Yes, we are, private. Tomorrow." I believe I had laughed at the thought.

"We gonna finally see a gunfight, then?" The voice beside me seemed too young.

"Naw. They need us to evacuate the city." My voice sounded disgusted.

"Don't worry, Major," the too young voice said beside me. "Them bastards'll let us see real gunplay soon. I just know it, sir. You will get your chance to prove yerself, sir. I just know it."

"You a fortune teller, now?" I asked him.

"I just have a feelin' that things is about to change, sir."

The memory faded, and I continued to look at the sky. Things had definitely changed. I wondered if the boy beside me had survived the night at Galveston. I wondered if perhaps he was one the boys I'd killed. I would never know.

"Jasper," Carlisle said softly, pulling me to the present. He always seemed to know when I was lost in my past.

"She hasn't seen anything at all. Your deaths will go remarkably smoothly, and the house Esme has found will look lovely in a cream color." I turned and grinned at Carlisle. "Don't tell Esme, but there is a good chance that turquoise shutters are in her future."

"How _does _Alice manage that?" he asked with a wry smile.

I shrugged. "She doesn't know, but she does it."

He chuckled softly and looked back into the house. "I can't wait to see it all pan out. I'd have never thought such a thing was possible."

"I know how you feel," I said. Ten years ago, I was a murderous monster who felt nothing and didn't care if I lived or died. Today, I stood outside my home with my yellow-eyed coven leader who felt more like a father to me than I wanted to admit. Today, I was waiting for my mate to return from high school so that I could be healed. Today, I wanted to play basketball with my siblings. Today, I was safe and loved and a member of a family that for some reason called me their own. It was my life, but it shouldn't have been.

"There it goes," said Carlisle, his eyes following a dim, white spot. The humans also followed it, when they could see it. Of course, they could only see it at night.

"Such a little thing to cause so much fuss," I commented. I watched it disappear behind a wisp of a cloud. The sun would indeed be out soon.

"It's a huge step for them," Carlisle responded. "When Sputnik left the earth, the humans left with it, in a way. Unless they destroy themselves, there will be no going back. I think the men on the earth are changing again."

"Do they ever really change?" I wondered out loud.

Carlisle laughed softly. "I used to not think so, but you've changed my mind. If someone like you can change, then there might just be hope for the humans after all." He chuckled, remembering with fondness the day we'd arrived and scared the poor coven to death.

I watched the tiny, white dot flit between clouds again. He was right. If something like me could change, anything was possible.

I heard the low rumble of the car at the same moment that I felt her return to me. The pain that I didn't know I'd been feeling disappeared, and I turned to meet my mate.

The car rounded the corner, and I saw my mate's smile spread across her face. The magical thrill of seeing her again, the feeling of being found at last, rushed through me. I was home and whole at last.

* * *

_My dearest readers,_

_Thank you all so much for allowing me to take you on this journey! Your time is precious to you, and it is a gift you have given to me every time you read this story. _

_If you would be so kind, please do me the honor of letting me know you read Coalescence and push the review button to say hello. I would love to hear from each and every person who had spent their time with my stories._

_Below is an excerpt from my next work, Rogue. Rogue will be a combination of a look at glimpses of Jasper's past life as he and Alice continue their lives with the Cullens. Rogue will take their story up through Breaking Dawn. I hope you enjoy the excerpt and will consider joining me again for the next installment of their lives!_

_Thank you again for reading my story._

_Kayla_

_**An excerpt from the continuation of Coalescence called Rogue**_

_**Fall, 1851**_

The heavy set older man hobbled among the boulders that were strewn about the gully as though they had once been marbles tossed by a wayward giant. Though he limped badly, he made his way amongst the maze of rock and water surely, for he knew the way to his hidden pool by heart. The limp was caused by injuries that were sustained long ago, and though he was unsteady, he compensated for it well.

Ahead of him, a lanky boy waited impatiently. Normally, the youth would have been running ahead or leaping from boulder to boulder, but today his shoulders slumped under the bamboo rods, and his bare feet kicked divots in the sand.

To Reverend Whitlock, the man-child looked utterly defeated.

Even the dogs that loped along side of them were dispirited by the boy.

"I'm a comin' boy," he huffed. "Dese ole legs have a hard time in dese places." After decades of being far from the bayou, the cadence of Louisiana played through the deep Texas drawl.

"T'sallrigh, Pappaw," the boy said, almost too quietly to be heard. "I ain't got nowhere t' be teday, anyhoo."

The Reverend reached the lad and clasped his shoulder with a strong hand. "Don't let 'em getcha down, boy," he said, his deep voice echoing off the rocks and filling the gully. Two of the dogs nuzzled the boy, almost as if they had been affected by the old man and were now, too, trying to lift his spirits. "You lost a fight. T'ain't a grand matter. We all lose 'em from time ta time."

"It'll be a grand matter to Pa," spat out the boy. He looked down at the older man, for he was almost a head taller, and then looked away quickly.

Reverend Whitlock knew the boy was right, the boy's father would see the his loss as a sign of weakness, and he did not take kindly to weakness.

"Tell me, son, why did ya' fight 'em? Couldn't ya tell how it was a goin'?"

The boy walked silently beside him for a while, and the Reverend didn't push. Talking openly about Jasper's emotional frailty wasn't an easy thing.

They came up to the small bend in the river that hid the pool. It was a secret spot, hard to get to, but worth it.

Surrounded by rocks and high cattails, the pool lay completely hidden from the world. It was a place of solitude, and the Reverend, who loved people, sometimes needed solitude.

The dogs rushed ahead through the cattails but didn't disturb the water. Much.

They wove around through the giant bushes until they came to a flat rock. The place was beautiful in its utter stillness.

The river flowed through the pool so that muck and slime had no real chance to gain a foothold, but the surface of the water remained as smooth as glass. The deep blue sky and bright white clouds reflected perfectly in the water. Both the man and the boy sighed when they saw it.

They set to work with the bamboo poles and soon had a pair of skewered worms in the water. When they were both seated, watching the sunlight dance across the odd wave, the Reverend brought up the fight again.

"Boy, you knew it wouldn't end right, didn'tcha?" he asked. The dogs came near him. He was trying to soothe his grandson, and the dogs always wanted to be near him when he tried to ease the pain of another.

Jasper shrugged against him. "I thought they'd listen to me. I thought I could stop 'em, then I got mad, and thought I could whip 'em."

"People ain't horses, boy. You can't always make 'em do what ya' want. In fact, you shouldn't try," he said softly to the boy. He looked at his own dogs. He and his son, and now his grandson, were all good with animals, but Jasper was the best of them all. The boy had learned to ride at age four, and there wasn't a horse standing that wouldn't take him now.

"Pa thinks I should be able to," Jasper said, his voice hard. "He says I need t' learn t' lead men, jus' like he does. I want ta! Lord knows I want t' do what he does. Only, I can't ken it. I don' know how t' do it."

The Reverend took a deep breath. Not only was this a sore point for his grandson, but it was the source of the rift between himself and his own son.

"Ya' know I don't agree wit' yer Pa," he said, thinking hard about his next words. "He's right that a boy wit' yer spirit can sway a crowd once ya learn it. What ya do with dem horses is clear evidence of it." He made his voice soft now, trying both to soothe his grandson and make him see a point. "Leading men isn't about forcing them to bend t' yer will. It's about showing them de right path. You can move a cow by pushing it, but it'll move da wrong way. Or you can lead a cow by showing it da path, and it will follow ya without a fuss. Both ways work, I suppose, but I reckon it's much easier t' pull a cow wit' a handful of hay, than push the other end and step in manure."

Jasper chuckled. The Reverend put his arm around the young lad and felt the boy relax under him.

"Time's a comin' when ya have ta choose, Jasper. Yer Pa, he chose ta lead men, but not ta help 'em. Nope, he leads 'em fer the sake of bein' the leader. He leads 'em fer pride's sake. I lead 'em, but I hope it's fer a different reason. Yer Meemaw and I, we want to be a blessin' to the folks around us.

"It's yer time, now, boy. It's yer time ta choose. I pray ya choose it well." The Reverend looked at the boy. The few waves in the pond sent ripples of light across his face. He knew, as he always knew, that the boy was torn inside. Jasper had a natural ability to lead, but he also had the desire to control those he led, just as he controlled the horses.

His son was almost cruel in his relations with others, caring only about how they might add to his own power and prestige. Jasper was in danger of following that lonely, hurtful path.

The Reverend indeed prayed that the boy would choose well. Such a gift could be a blessing or a curse, and if he was right about the boy, Jasper could bring about great pain and sorrow if he chose the wrong path.

_**April 22, 1966**_

I looked out at the still pool. The sun's light, filtering through the trees, reflected off the few waves that rippled the surface. The river to my right rushed on its way through the hills and rocks around me. The scent of the cattails called a memory to the surface that I simply couldn't see clearly. The memory was one from my human years, one I'd kept and treasured, but it was so very dim.

A pond, surrounded by cattails and rocks. My grandfather, fish, and perhaps animals of some kind swirled unfocused in my mind. He had placed his arm around my shoulder. There was something important there, but I could no better grasp it than I could leap to the moon.

I never knew why memories tugged at me. There was some reason, I was sure, and sometimes the link was easy to make. This foggy one gave me a sense of peace, but there was an urgency to it today.

The sun reflected off the water and my skin again, and the hidden space filled with light. I paused a bit longer to enjoy it. The others would not be returning from school yet, and I was done eating, so there was time to enjoy the play of the light and the strange restfulness that the place brought me. Besides, tonight would be stressful enough. We were going into town to see a movie, and I would be on guard against myself all night.

I probed the memory, trying to find why it felt urgent now, but no reason came to me. All that I knew was the pool of water, the peace I felt here, and the feel of my grandfather's arm across my shoulders.

A small breeze disturbed the mirror surface of the pond. I watched the pattern of the waves on the water and took in the tangy smell of pine.

And turned to hot ice.

Barely detectable, but definitely there, another scent tainted the forest's smell. I sucked in air, pulling it over my tongue to be sure. The scent was both known and unknown to me. Two scents, then.

Other memories crashed in on me. Screams, heady incense, death. They flooded in, eradicating the peace.

Hernandez's scent, weak but recognizable, tainted the clean wind. Maria's right hand man had been in these woods.

I crouched, instinct taking over my thoughts, and began to search for the path. It took a while, but I finally realized they used my favorite trick of taking to the trees. His scent and that of another assailed me. They had crossed my path more than a half hour before I came here. Had I not paused by the pool, I would have never detected it.

My growls rose as I tracked both ends of the path. I couldn't focus on anything more than the fear and hatred that engulfed me.

Alice was not with me.

Alice was on her way home.

Enemies were here.

I gripped a trunk and splintered the tree. I had to get control of myself.

Carefully now, I traced the path.

The ice melted in the heat of venom. They had come from town and were heading deeper into the woods. They were heading for home.

My roar echoed off the hills around me. I had no idea of where my mate was. I had no idea if they had found her. All I knew was that Maria was about to bring her curse down upon the Cullens.

Everything I was pulled me to the city, to find my mate, but I couldn't do it. I could not go. The scents didn't lead to the city; they led towards home. Emmett, Rosalie and Edward were with her. I had to trust them to keep her safe, but I'd never felt so helpless in that trust.

I closed my eyes against the panic and turned towards the home. I'd left Esme there. Carlisle, if he was still alive, wouldn't have returned home from the hospital yet.

They were heading towards Esme, and she was alone.


End file.
